Do I HAVE to fit the mould?

I have this mega grouse. People expect me to fit a mould of their expectations. They have some preconceived notions of how a woman should look, behave and think. And they want to stuff me in that mould. Even if I don't fit, even if I am much more than just how I look. Then some have another mould ready for me - that of a mother. Being one, I am expected to have certain feelings, behave certain way (again), do certain things. Some well-meaning souls have a set of criteria ready for my older daughter and in time will want to implement it on my younger one too. After all, girls/women/females need guidance, no? They are pretty incapable of thinking for themselves, making good decisions and tend to be foolish.

Just recently, a female coworker told me how I look much better these days - what with my growing hair and resultant feminine looks. Is that all I am? Hair and looks? So, if someone were to see me in short, SHORT hair (as I usually like to keep them), would I look less feminine? Is feminity associated only with long hair?? More importantly, is feminity that important? Suppose you worked with me. Would it change your professional opinion of me if I cut my hair short? Or grew them long?

Dictionary.com defines "feminine" as "having qualities traditionally ascribed to women, as sensitivity or gentleness". I have further issues with this. 1) How does having long hair relate to sensitivity or gentleness? OK - this is just in context of the co worker's comment. Dictionary.com doesn't say this. 2) WHY are they considered feminine traits? Can't men be sensitive or gentle? My man is. Does that mean he is not man enough? Does he have to be aggressive and insensitive to prove himself as a man?

A few months ago I had another argument with another coworker. Not related to the recent "feminine" grouse, but I have been thinking about it and meaning to write about it here. She says I need to be more feminine (wear dresses, wear makeup, wear jewelry) so that my girls can learn it from me. Again - two issues.

1. WHY do I need to do all this (especially since I don't like to) to teach my daughters how to dress beautifully or apply makeup. Granted I don't know how to apply makeup, but they can learn from friends, no? How many of us learnt it from our mothers? I can get them the resources, or maybe even learn along with them - hey, no skill is small.

2. Why do they HAVE to grow up feminine? (This is the argument my coworker gave - they won't grow up feminine if I don't do all this because they won't have a role model). I am perfectly happy - in fact MORE happy - if they grow up to be tomboys. With no hangups about their looks or dresses or tresses. Leads to a simpler and less complicated life methinks.

I wouldn't discourage their choices. I will try to teach them to think for themselves before taking anything up. But if one of my daughters decides she wants to look pretty and all dressed up, I'll be glad that there is at least one female in our family willing to do so. Me? I can't be bothered to try to look feminine. I try to dress well. I like wearing jewelry and makeup occasionally. If I end up looking feminine and pretty, well BONUS! But I have been known to walk out of the house without lipstick and mascara. Or I should say - I have been known to occasionally walk out with lipstick and mascara ON. I usually go without.

So. After all this meaningless rambling, my only question is - why is pseudo-feminity such a big deal? By pseudo-feminity I mean feminity associated ONLY to looks and not the behavioral traits associated with it. What does it matter to you if I have short hair and look like a boy? Isn't it enough that I am kind, gentle and witty (or trying to be) and good at what I do professionally?

Another thing I have often thought about is something I have heard some women say, including my MIL. A girl should be ready to make sacrifices for her brothers or father (or family). By sacrifices they mean small gestures like saving the last piece of a sweet for the brother, or giving the brother/father the best piece and saving the not-so-good or downright unpalatable piece for herself. Giving up the TV remote for them. Or the Sunday comics. Putting them first, not thinking about herself. Or bigger gestures - like not having a mind or opinion of their own. Doing what the father/brother/elders say. Marrying the guy of the family's choice. Or NOT marrying the guy of their own choice. Being "homely". Giving up their own comfort for the comfort of others.

Well, it sounds great and idealistic, innit? Raising selfless daughters so they will spread sunshine and happiness where ever they go. But I am sorry - I ain't gonna do it. I am going to teach my daughters to be selfish. Not selfish as in "I want this and the rest of the world may go to hell". But selfish as in "I feel this is right for me so I am going to stand up for myself even if it might upset someone". Maybe this isn't selfishness. Maybe "headstrong" is the word I am looking for? Or it is just self-respect. When you have it, you know that there are certain things you shouldn't/wouldn't compromise on even if they made someone else upset. THAT is what I want my daughters to learn. I don't want to turn them into doormats.

This thought first entered my mind years ago when I only had S. M hadn't even entered my mind i.e. I hadn't even started planning a second baby. We were going to India to visit with family. The year was 2003. I and J had decided that I and S would first go to Jodhpur, where my brother, his wife and parents were going to meet me. Then after spending a week there, I would head to Indore for two weeks. Then I would visit my parents for one week again, this time in Dhar, M.P. where my mom was then stationed. My parents and brother had agreed to come down to Jodhpur because I wanted to go there - no trip is complete without going to "mharo pyaaro Jodhpur" (My lovely Jodhpur). I thought this was a fair deal. I was spending equal amount of time with both sets of parents, not a day more or less at either place. But my FIL thought otherwise. And he let my parents know this. Then my dad started pressuring me into changing my plan to go to Indore first as I was a bahu first and a daughter second. To cut a long story short, I lost all interest in going to India. I couldn't understand why anyone would have any problems with our plan as

1) J and I agreed upon it completely. In my opinion, if we are in agreement, no one else's opinion matters in this case.

2) We agreed on this plan because this involved least amount of traveling within India which is what you want when you are visiting just for 4 weeks.

Anyway, finally I did what we had planned all along, though not without arguments, debates, anger flare-ups and taunts. During this planning phase I told my mom once - I promise you, I am going to bring my daughter up to be very selfish so she doesn't have to go through all this EVER! Even today, I intend to do that. Well, not raise her to be selfish, but to raise her to be a headstrong woman. Who would be fair but not compromise on things just to make others happy - especially if those compromises make HER unhappy. My sister-in-law - my brother's wife - is one such woman. She is a kind, gentle woman, yet so sure about what she wants. She is headstrong and confident. I told her (and my mother) I want her to be my daughters' role model. Tell me - is there a potion I could give my daughters so they would grow up to be like that?

Livin' it up!

This (not so) hot mama has been livin' it up today. Went bar hopping with a few colleagues today. Had a great time and got a super duper buzz with just two glasses of red wine :P Now I do know when to call it quits - so I did after those two glasses and came back home. But not before buying Creme Caramel Ice Cream cone with a girlfriend from work.

Reason I am so chirpy about the great time I had? This was the first time I went bar hopping. Heck, this was the first time I sat at the bar and ordered a drink! Obviously I have led an oversheltered and overprotected life till now. But not any more. I went to India alone last month, and went bar hopping today. Who knows? I might get to do another thing that's on my list - live in an apartment alone. I hope to be able to do it once the kids leave for college, or at least once the kids are a little older. I don't want to run away. Just want to live in a separate apartment and go out with J in the evenings on mock dates :P Ya think I am asking for too much?

Oh yes - we are so buying a couple of motorcycles once the kids are in college! That has been my "retirement plan" for a long time.

Mad. Hoppin' mad.

I am mad at S' teacher. Its been slowly building up but now I am at a point where I am ready to explode. When S first got assigned to her class, we were happy. We had heard good things about this teacher. On the day of parent orientation, she seemed attentive and courteous enough. She asked each parent what their social and academic goals for their child were and she actually wrote the answers down in a small notebook. I thought "Wow! Here is someone who is not just talk". She even gave us her home phone number and encouraged us to call her in the evenings if we wanted to discuss something with her. And to be fair, she does take calls when we call her, and talks to us.

Even now I am only mad at her for just one thing. Otherwise I think she is a good enough teacher. From what S tells me, she has a sarcastic tongue and rolls her eyes at kids and is too opinionated about certain things - but that I am willing to live with if my child is learning well in her class and isn't being traumatized with all the eye rolling. In fact, S seems to be one of her favorite students so I don't have anything to complain about there.

Now a little background on why I am mad. The Norwalk school system has an "Academically talented" program in which kids who are considered "gifted" or capable of taking more challenges than other kids are instructed on something above and beyond the curriculum. Frankly I never cared if S got in this program or not. I thought she would get in on her own merit if she was good enough. But a few friends convinced me to at least talk to the teacher about it saying sometimes teachers wait for the parents to bring it up. That seemed kind of strange to me because if you have a program that has certain criteria one has to meet in order to get in then one should get in if they met the criteria irrespective of whether their parents talked to the teacher or not. Right? Apparently not so.

Anyway. I talked to Mrs. Z, S' teacher. And she gushed about how academically advanced S is and how she cannot imagine why S isn't in the AT program already and how some other kids who have no business being in the program are in there and how she WILL recommend S for the program this year. I told her I was not looking to get my daughter in at all costs, but I was just asking her for her opinion. She asked to look at the standardized test results for S from last year and I sent her a copy. She looked at them and said S indeed had achieved advanced level in math and writing but was on (the upper side of) the goal level (range) for reading and that is why she didn't get in the AT program (a child needs to be placed in advanced level for reading to qualify for the program). I knew that already. I told her I thought that if S had the potential to be in that program, then I thought I owed it to her to help her try and achieve it. If, after trying, she still couldn't get into the program, I'd be OK with the decision - she would have at least tried. If a little help is all she needed to get from goal level to advanced level in reading then I thought I should give her that help. Mrs. Z said she will work with S on her reading skills and she was confident S will improve her reading skills enough to become eligible for the program. She even started working with S on her reading skills initially.

In March, during the parent-teacher conference, Mrs. Z raved about how S' comprehension skills were so much better than most of the other students and how she was the only one to have correctly answered a few questions based on a particular passage while the rest of the class got it completely wrong. She said she was definitely going to recommend S for the AT program. I reminded her again that I wanted S to go into that program only if she was eligible because I definitely don't want her to be in a program which is above her level as that would stress her out more.

So all year long, every time we talked to Mrs. Z, she raved and gushed about how S was doing so well and yes, she was "AT material". Then, when I thought the deadline for recommending students to the AT program much be approaching, I called her and left her a message. She called me back to tell me she was waiting for the standardized test results for this year before she recommends S as she wanted to make absolutely sure that S' grades justified the recommendation. That was the first time I felt a little odd - hadn't she been saying all along that she WILL recommend S for the program? And I knew the results wouldn't be out until May or June by which time the deadline would have gone by. She assured me we would still have time.

Now, two days ago, I learnt that the deadline has indeed passed. So now even if Mrs. Z wanted to, (I am questioning her intentions now) she wouldn't be able to recommend S for the program. I left her a message citing all this (our past conversations and her recent stance on waiting for the results) and asked her why did she lead us to believe that S would be recommended for the program when she didn't want to? She called our home number a couple of hours back (and I am sure she did it on purpose - to avoid talking to me, otherwise she would have called me on my cellphone like she has done in the past for other issues. And I left my cell phone number for her in my message. Its her bad luck that J is at home today and received the call) and told J that she didn't recommend S because "her test results from grade 2 weren't good enough and now it is too late anyway". We already knew that. I'd rather not go into my theory regarding why her results weren't as good as they could have been because that would need another lengthy post. And that IS why we asked her to assess S' performance during THIS year to determine if she could qualify for the program. There IS such a provision in the regulations for doing this so we weren't asking her to go out of her way to do this. We just asked her to follow procedure. Also, I did ask her about the deadline and at that time she said we had sufficient time.

So all this has pissed me off terribly. I am not mad because S didn't get into the program. I was ready for that result. And as I said earlier, if S doesn't qualify for the program, I don't want her to be in it as it will only stress her out. I am mad because the teacher raised false hopes. She should have been straightforward in her stance from the beginning and should have told us she didn't believe S should be in the program. We would have respected her decision. Maybe, she really believed initially that S should be in the program and as the year progressed, realized otherwise. But in that case, she should have told me so during our last conversation on this issue (during the March parent-teacher conference). But her review of S' performance in that parent teacher conference led me to believe that S had improved her reading comprehension skills considerably. I talked to another friend whose daughter is probably better in reading comprehension than S and I found out that Mrs. Z did the same thing to her. I feel cheated. I feel like an ass who has been walking for miles in hope of getting a bite out of that carrot dangling in front of its eyes. That's exactly how I feel.

Old news. Still True.

I came across this in an email forward. I had read it before but today I wanted to inflict the pain on share it with others.

Bill Gates gave a speech at Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, CA in 2004 about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Of gracious hosts and such

I recently went to India for a VERY short trip. 6 days, including 4 days of transit time. The purpose was to surprise my parents for my mother's retirement party. I had told them I couldn't make it as I didn't want to bring the kids along in such heat and leaving them behind would be impossible. It turned out that leaving the kids behind was not all that impossible - J volunteered to take care of them while I visited my parents. So off I went after some hectic planning and involving many nice people to help me in this project. Another post on that later. For now, I just want to thank MadMomma and the OA for their hospitality. MM made space for me in her calendar on a WEEKNIGHT, picked me up from the airport, fed me good food, gave me a very stimulating company, even let the maids take care of the Brat and the Bean so she could keep me company. The gracious OA gave us company occasionally, joined us for dinner and then he and MM drove me to the airport. On our way there, we lost the way and had to stop and ask for directions (due to the darn construction and no detour signs). Poor OA was more worried than I was, of missing the flight. But they did drop me off in time and I had no problems at all boarding my flight.

The kids. What can I write about the kids that everyone doesn't already know? :) They are the sweetest kids I have ever seen. Bean came so willingly into my arms, I was taken aback. She doesn't see the monster in me that most babies see?? And the Brat was cute beyond words! MM, I am not big on words, but please know that if I knew how to use them, I would sing praises of your entire family for ages to come!

Thank you MM and OA, for your gracious hospitality, stimulating conversations, bhookhe ko bhojan and everything else you did to make me feel comfortable. I know I have made friends for life.

The first stanza always makes me cry

One of my mostest favoritest songs

Belated Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

Dear J,

You are the pillar of support I lean on whenever I feel weak. You are the shoulder I seek when I need to cry. I look for you when I need a laugh and I come rushing home when I have a funny story to share. You are the ONLY person I trust completely to look out for me and the only person on this earth I have any expectations from - because I KNOW you will come through!

It's been, what? 17.5 years now, since we have known each other? And 16 years since you gave me this song on a tape and said "Call me after you have listened to this". Even after 16 years this song makes my heart jump and melt and overflow with emotions with the same intensity it did the first time. Your smile still makes me go weak in the knees. My ears still strain to hear your laughter. My heart still aches whenever we have to separate even for 2 days (I'll miss you baby, this next week). I still remember how you took Lalit's (?) help in creating that card you gave to me (remember the card?). I had to leave that, and everything else that I cherished, behind when I came here with you. But having you is all I care about.

S wonders out loud at least once every week why you and I fight so much :) I don't know about you, but I don't mind these fights at all. I feel so comfortable with you that everything, even fighting and the making up afterwards, seems natural. I know you are the best dad these girls could have. And you are the best husband I could have ever hoped to find. But above all, you are my BEST FRIEND even after all these years.

Happy Birthday, Dahlin'.

And today, it is my turn to say "Call me after you have listened to this"!

Update: I told J to go to my blog and see this post. He did. He listened to the whole song with a smile. Then he asked me to get his cell phone - I thought he was calling a friend we had been talking about. A few moments later, my cell phone rang. It was J. He simply said "I heard the song and I love you too" and hung up. Right in front of my eyes! :D

Belated Happy Birthday, Ma!

It was my mom's birthday on April 15th. I am sharing a song here that used to be her favorite while I was growing up. She would ask me to sing it over and over.

Happy Birthday Ma! You know that this song comes straight from my heart, right?

Riddle-me-Ree, who can she be?

Greetings wonderful MTBs!!!
and good work to all of you!
For having solved the riddle before
I give you all this clue.

The letter " R "

Write it down, add it on...
And let's move on to the next little song.

“Her name opens a cave of memories
Her little one is her joy and pride
Little is more, she does believe
When she writes, its a joy ride
She is not a regular
But her wise words are bonafide
Who is she?”

Solve it and you get your lead
Misguess, and you lose your speed
Solve it slow but solve it now
And before you go, take a little bow

Go to 'Comments' and leave me a clue
Tell me which blog you are off to.
Good luck! Good luck! Be on your way.

You have your work, cut out for the day!

I finally figured something out

How to feel better about my current (lack of) hairstyle. Normally I keep my hair short. I prefer a boy's cut and believe that it looks infinitely better on me (than the current wild growth on my head) and also takes about 10 years off my age. I haven't been able to get a haircut since M was about 6 weeks old. We had taken her out of the house for the first time to a friend's place in NJ and since that is where my hairstylist has her salon, I got a haircut on that trip too. Haven't been able to get another haircut ever since - it IS a good 100 miles away. I simply haven't had the time or energy. We did go to NJ, but visiting with our friend and my cousin and grocery shopping took up all our time. And I have tried a lot of salons/hairstylists here - no one measures up.

So, anyway. I got this thought while driving to work this morning. I am going to grow my hair some more. And then I will donate it to "Locks of Love". Their website mentions that the hair needs to be at least 10 inches long, so it will be a long wait. My hair is already about 6 inches long (where it is the shortest), but I WILL need about 4 inches on my head too. So that means I need to grow my hair to a length of at least 14 inches. Well, at least now there is a purpose behind my shabbiness.

Why I am not scared of Barbie anymore

When I had my daughter, the older one, I was scared like many other mothers of little girls. Scared of the influence that Barbie was going to have on my little, innocent baby with her unrealistic proportions and the standards of beauty that she projected. My husband and I were also very worried about the influence that "American culture" would have on her if we stayed in this country. We came here with the intention of staying for 7-8 years and then returning to India. I didn't want to (for various unrelated reasons) but I was ready to make that sacrifice for the good of my kid.

American kids call 911 when their parents try to discipline them, we were told. And many other horror stories that involved drugs or sex or both. Statistics on teenage pregnancies and children born out of wedlock. We were adequately terrified of the culture we were stepping into.

Then we gradually met other people, made friends. A few among these had been in the US for a long time. Almost over 20 years. Some had grown kids. Some had teenagers. And when we saw some of these teenage kids, it was a shock to us. They were far better behaved and family oriented than the teenagers we had recently seen back in India! Slowly, after talking to these kids and their parents I realized that it was possible to impart my values to my kids even though the outside influence would be considerable. That is all I gathered. How to accomplish that? I had no idea. But over time I realized that the main key to keeping your child under your influence is communication. Good old "talking at the dinner table". And much much more talking than that. In the car on your way to school or swim practice, at bed time, during bath time, on lazy weekend mornings, and of course when your child wanted to talk to you. But this is just one part. Another is showing them through your actions what your values are. A small example. J & I don't curse. Well, almost never. Neither does S. She picked it up from us.

At first I was so against Barbies and the culture of narcissism they portrayed that I refused to buy any Barbies for S. One day, a friend excitedly told S that she had received a brand new Barbie as a gift. And S innocently asked "What is that?". The mother of her friend looked pityingly at me and said "Oh she doesn't have any?" I felt bad - for S. But I was used to such comments from parents when they'd just assume S didn't have something because we couldn't afford it.

Alert: digression ahead!

Once we went to a party where a lot of kids S' age (she was about 4.5 then) had been invited. She met a boisterous boy about a year younger to her and they got famously along. Here in the US when that happens, a mother's antennae promptly go up "BOING!!" with a "Play date alert". Which means - immediately get friendly with the parent(s) of the little kid your kid is having fun with so that you can setup play dates for them. So the boy's mother and I started talking. Casual conversation about how old is he/she, where was he/she born, does he/she go to preschool etc. During the conversation, the topic of TV viewing came up. I told her that S' TV time was severely restricted to a half hour of viewing every other day and none over the weekends. And that I didn't allow her to watch Cartoon Network or Disney channel. I was only comfortable letting her watch the public television programming for kids which I still feel is much better than these other commercial channels. (A separate post-worthy topic). She said "Oh my son's favorite TV show is 'The Wiggles' ". I knew who the Wiggles were and which channel the show was aired on (Disney) but as I said, I always felt "Dragon Tales" and "Arthur" (her favorite program at that time) were much better than "Teletubbies" or "The Wiggles" etc. Call it reverse snobbery but that is the way I felt. But I never snobbishly aired my views on this matter to other parents - to each her/his own, right? But this mom? She turns to me immediately after she declared what her son's favorite program was and goes "Do you know who the Wiggles are? Oh that's right! You don't get Disney channel!" and promptly turned her back to me and ignored me for the rest part of the party. (Or was it me who ignored her? Hmmmm...)

Needless to say, no play dates with that kid materialized. And I am still fuming, a good five years later, because I didn't get a chance to set the record straight with that mother (that we do get Disney channel, but I don't let my daughter watch it). Thank God for blogs! Therapy would have been costlier.

Digression over.

Anyway, so as I said, many parents just assume(d) that if S isn't allowed to do something it is probably because we can't afford it. I have learnt to tolerate this irrational deduction on their part. But at that time, when the mother wondered if S didn't have any Barbies because we probably couldn't afford to buy her one, it hurt like hell. I came home and discussed it with J. By that time I had cooled down. We decided we didn't want to buy her Barbies just because we were afraid of what people thought of us. So, life went on without Barbies. But not for long.

The "Barbie Home Invasion" began sometime when she was 4. I don't remember who gifted her the first Barbie - it was either J's friend who came visiting and brought a Mermaid Barbie with him or J's parents, brother and SIL who sent a sari-clad Barbie for her. Now I am not the kind who would return a lovingly bought gift if I don't want it. So we kept the dolls and even let S play with them occasionally. I think that was a good decision - S really had fun playing with them and wasn't as hung up on them as she would have been had she been deprived of them (I think). Slowly S started accumulating more Barbies. Gifts for her birthdays, return gifts at birthday parties and one or two purchased by her parents (**GASP**) for her. I felt as if everyone we invited for her birthday party went "Hmmmm. What would a little girl like? I know! BARBIE!!!!!" I wondered if it ever occurred to them that the little girl might also like a board game or two. Or a jump rope, or an Art set. Or books! Why not books? But Barbies it was - for two straight years! She now has about 20 Barbies. All safely tucked away in a carton that we packed them in when we moved to this house two years ago. She hasn't asked for them yet. We WILL bring them out when M is ready to play with them. By the way, when S was about 6 or 7, she officially declared to me "Mommy, I think I am over princesses. I don't like them anymore". Whew!!

It wasn't only Barbies that worried me sick. It was this whole culture of perfect bodies, perfect clothes, "daring" clothes, daring choices that scared me sh**less. Hearing stories about kids demanding expensive clothes, newest gadgets, latest toys and extreme privileges built up a trepidation in my heart about the coming years. "Peer pressure" became a four-letter word. I stressed out about S growing up to be like those other girls who were just preoccupied with themselves and their looks. Living for that next dress, or makeover party. Becoming a self centered kid, then teenager and then adult. What if she realized one day that we really can't make her do everything we want? All this terrified me.

Talking to other parents (of older kids), seeing them in action and seeing their kids kind of clarified things for me. I saw kids I was terrified S would turn into. And I saw kids I aspired for S to become. And I saw their parents. Compared them. I looked at my own childhood and tried to compare things. Tried to remember how my parents handled different things. It wasn't as if I sat down one day and created a spreadsheet. It was a continuous thing - always going on in my head. 24/7.

Slowly I realized there was no fixed answer. All the parents were the same - trying to do their best for their kids. Some just lacked the basic parenting skills. Among them, some were ineffective disciplinarians, some were so conflicted among themselves that their kids caught on to that and played them against each other, some were indulgent (more than they should have been) and some were so strict that their kids suffocated and were bound to rebel to break free one day. Well, how could I make sure I wasn't doing any of this? I couldn't. So there came a time when I chucked all the analyses and decided to -

1) Treat my kids as individuals (I have seen many parents make the mistake of not doing so and that gives rise to discontentment and future problems in the kids) and respect their feelings however trivial or silly they seemed to me

2) Be their parent and NOT their friend. Yes, I had to be friendLY so they wouldn't feel I was out to get them. But my job was to set limits and enforce them. To assign responsibilities and expect them to be carried out. To BE responsible and teach by example.

3) Go with the flow. I'd take each parenting challenge as it came and figure out how to deal with it.

I am still figuring things out. But I have found that talking helps (as I mentioned earlier). And saying sorry when I have hurt S' feelings definitely helps. And not yelling helps. Not being judgmental helps. I have noticed she comes and fesses up with me because I give her a fair chance. I never promise I'll not get upset if she tells me what she has done (yes, she has tried getting me to promise!) I just tell her that I will hear her out and then decide how to react. I do promise her that won't yell. Many times it has turned out that I actually didn't need to get upset. At times she had done something that did upset me and she faced the consequences for that (being grounded, having to write sorry notes, having privileges taken away etc.) But even at those times I told her how proud I was of her that even though she knew it would make me upset, she came to me and told me everything. After the first time it happened, I wondered if she would ever come to me again. To my surprise she did. Still does. I guess she is confident that I will hear her out completely before I make up my mind. And I think the thing that scares her the most is if I yell. As I have ruled that out of the consequences, she finds it easier to come to me and confess. I just keep my fingers crossed and hope she will continue to do so as she grows up.

Another thing I have learnt is to choose carefully what I am going to stress about. I have decided I will definitely keep on my toes where issues like drugs, safety, sex and education are concerned. I don't get worked up if she wants to apply lip gloss. I don't like it, but I still allow her. She still isn't allowed to wear it to school but she is allowed to "dress up" if we are going to some one's house. She isn't allowed to carry it with her so once it is gone, she doesn't reapply it (which means she is out there having fun and is not just concerned with how she looks all the time). She asked for bikini style panties once and I absolutely didn't want to let her buy those. She would have followed my "orders" but I let her buy them. She wore them for a few days and declared she didn't really like them because they weren't comfortable. That is what I want to develop in her. She should try things out and then use her head to decide if she wants/ likes it or not instead of following the herd. Well, the "try things out" strategy is definitely NOT for drugs and sex. It is fine for clothes and makeup and fashion trends.

I still worry about peer pressure and I know my only defense against that is to keep MY communication channels open with her. I know I can't be with her all the times. I have stiff competition ahead with her peers, specially as she goes into middle school. I am trying my best to give her the right foundation of values so when the time comes, she is prepared to handle the pressure. And I will keep letting her know that I am right here if she wants to talk, or if something goes wrong or if she just needs a sounding board.

That said, I also believe in teaching kids the age-appropriateness of various things. Like wearing thongs might be OK for me, but it isn't for her. Wearing makeup to work is fine for me, but she can't wear makeup to school. Along with age-appropriateness, I have also tried to teach her that different families have different rules and just because one of her friends is allowed to do something or has been able to buy something doesn't mean she will too. Her request will be evaluated based on our family's rules. (God! I sound so managerial :D)

I also believe in relaxing rules little by little as kids grow older. One example is of eating candies. S was not given any candy till she was 2.5 years old. When she started going to preschool, she discovered candy. Instead of taking it away from her and forbidding her from ever eating it again, I told her that she could eat one if she got permission from me or J first. She was allowed one candy on one day of the weekend. As she grew older, and her (good) eating habits became firmly established, I relaxed that rule little by little. Now she could eat a candy on alternate days IF she followed up by eating something healthy. And so on. These days she knows she can eat candy anytime but she also knows that she can't eat candy for lunch or dinner, and that she still has to follow up with a healthy snack. I never had to lock candies or put them high on a shelf even when S was little. I did put them away when she had friends came over because they didn't have the same level of discipline as S did. Even now, if you walk in our home, you will find candy filled containers on our kitchen counters. I hope I don't ever have to lock the candy away even for M. Because I believe not in restrictng them, but in teaching them to recognize the limits. Candy is just one example. I want this to be the case for every temptation in life they will come across.

There is a lot more to parenting and I am still figuring it out. Over the years I have learnt that kids usually imbibe values from their parents - even if they don't like to admit it. And that is my beacon of hope.

Now I have realized that my child will play with Barbie but she will pick up the subtle messages about a supposedly perfect body that Barbie is sending out only if I train her to listen to those. I didn't. So she doesn't. I have realized that it IS possible to let my daughter play with Barbies but keep her interested in outdoor games, math, science and scrabble. Barbie is just another toy for her - nothing more. So I have made my peace with Barbie, and Ken and other assorted Disney princesses and their respective princes. They can stay in my house and play with my kids, but its still MY house and MY rules!

TaDa!!

One tooth is beginning to peek out! This morning M grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth - right over the emerging tooth. It was as if she gave up waiting for her mom to put a probing finger in her mouth in search of new teeth and decided to declare the new arrival!

S got her first tooth the day she turned 10 months old. M got hers when she turned 10 months and a day. She followed her big sis in at least one thing. If this is any indicator of things to come (M following in S' footsteps) I can start relaxing right now :D My fear is that M is turning out too much like her mother.

Today is a big day for another reason - J and I celebrated our 16th "anniversary of togetherness". Today is the day he said "I love you" to me [for the second time]. Today we completed 16 years of that fabulous event. Yes, we still wish each other a happy anniversary on this day. We are that kind of romantics. We have stopped exchanging gifts. At least for as long as we have to pinch pennies to create a comfortable future.

Today was a whirlwind but I worked non-stop all evening to make sure I can get to bed in time. No such luck. While winding up the kitchen work, I noticed we didn't have warm water. Checked the heater and found out that the furnace wasn't working. That means no hot water, no heat. No can do - specially if the temperatures are still dipping at night. So we called the 24 hr. service number (around 11:15 pm) and they said someone will be over in a couple of hours. Well, it is 11:45 pm and he is already here. I like this kind of service! Will know in a few minutes if we will have heat and hot water for the night or if they are going to need to come back. Never a dull moment around here!

The visit with ENT specialist went well too. He said M still has fluid in her ears but the infection is gone. So, now we will watch her for signs of further infections. He said if she gets another infection within the month, he will talk to me about tubes. I asked him what is the minimum age for a baby to be a candidate for ear-tubes. He said he has put them in babies as little as 5 months old. He also said that for a baby her age, she hasn't had too many ear-infections. In other words, this many ear infections are normal in a baby her age. Well, that's funny because I don't remember S getting even a single ear infection at this age. The first one she had was at the age of 2.5 years (I think) and till date she has had about 2 or 3 maximum. What makes a baby extra vulnerable to ear infections? Just wondering.

This week has started with a bang - M gets her first teeth, we celebrate an anniversary, M goes without an ear infection for the first time in the last month or so (keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed :P I hope I haven't spoken too soon). Rest of the week seems promising too. J goes to NYC again for training from Wednesday to Friday. So I'll be doing The Juggle again. Friday is J's birthday. Looking forward to that even though I haven't a clue what I am going to get for him.

S and I went to the supermarket last weekend. While coming back, during conversation regarding my forgetfulness, S said "You could lie to dad about something and he'd believe you". I said I don't like to because 1) I just don't feel comfortable lying to him. A marriage should be based on trust and 2) if he catches me in a small lie, he might not trust me again for anything. I told her I wouldn't want to lose him over that. She says "You know, I love him more than you do". I said "How could that be possible?" She says (well I helped her in this deduction, but anyway) "I have loved him all my life while you have only loved him half your life". She has a point!

Raising two girls, and a muddle of other thoughts

I wanted my first-born to be a girl. I was very clear about the reasons too - I had seen that women who were first-born (including me) were more independent and more confident. While women who had older brothers were kind of dependent and not that confident about their abilities to survive alone. I can count at least 5 examples of each kind just among close friends and family. Sure there are exceptions, but this is what I have generally observed. Of course it might be my own perceptions that have tainted my view in these matters. It might be a coincidence that I know enough women who fall in both categories or maybe due to the fact that older brothers are protective of their little sisters and hence the girls grow up in their brothers' shadow. And I am not saying one scenario is any better then the other - I just wanted my daughter to be like me. Independent and confident. And there was an added element of the rebel in me wanting to dash the ego of certain members in the family who were confident that the first-born in the Kay family is always a boy :P

I was not very particular about the second one either. A boy would be good, but so would a girl. I actually felt like the person who hasn't had any sleep for 6 days and when he finally gets to sleep, he doesn't care if he is sleeping on a silk sheet or a soft, 850-count Egyptian cotton sheet. I was so starved for a second child that I had absolutley no preference. I and J talked about it once during my pregnancy and both agreed that it would be a nice experience to have a boy this time but a girl would be equally loved and cherished. And now I look at M and cannot even imagine how this family would have looked if she had been a boy. Not too different, I think. But I do feel a twinge of regret. Now I can't show my friends that I would have taught a son to cook and clean. That a son can be as sensitive and caring as a daughter. That a son would listen to me as much as my daughter does - not because of his gender, but because I would raise him that way. All wrong reasons to want a son, I know :P On the other hand, I can show them that I am really happy to have a second daughter. That I am not mourning the birth of a second girl. And that two daughters complete a family as well as a daughter and a son or two sons would. Also, I firmly believe -

"My son's my son, till he got him a wife

My daughter's my daughter all her life"

Don't remember who said that, and couldn't find them on Google either. But these sure are some words of wisdom!

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, there is this 19th century thinking lurking that my daughters would have to leave me when they get married. But then I come back to reality. My parents have a son, but he lives in another state because of his work. J is away from his parents because of his work. In today's times, with the world becoming a global village, people are moving oceans away for work. There is no guarantee that your sons will stay with you when they grow up. And with time, the social taboos of living with a daughter are crumbling - so there is a high possibility that your daughter and son-in-law could come to live with you. Actually, I have already started my evil planning for this :D A few days ago I told S that when she gets married, she and her husband should come live with us.

But I am telling you - this parenting is a heartbreaking business. You invest everything you have - money, emotions, heart, mind - in bringing up your kids. These kids grow up, find someone they love, find a job, get lives of their own. Sure they love you, but they have lives of their own. That is the circle of life. And you are left behind with just memories. Even if you are lucky enough to have your kids close to you, they still are seperate entities now and no longer just an extension of you. How does one get used to that?

Child labor: Is there a solution?

Some time ago, I got a comment from BinaryFootPrints asking if I'd like to help her spread the word about the evils of child labor. "Why, definitely!" I said. But here we are, almost a month later, and no post from moi on the topic. Various reasons have contributed to this tardiness. With everything that has been going around, I haven't had a chance to write about it. Sure I have written long posts on how the baby is and how we are coping and all that meaningless stuff, but this required some thought and effort. So I kept putting it away. Then I realized that I didn't have to research the topic exhaustively to spread word about it! I just had to write how I feel about it. And maybe point the readers to other such posts. Simple, huh? And I am wondering why I couldn't have had this light-bulb moment any sooner :D Anyhoo - without further delay...

First, read this post by BinaryFootprints on the subject. I have read other posts too but don't remember exactly where to find them.

I have heard the argument that it is better to give these kids a cushy job in your house because otherwise they will go find jobs that are more taxing or unhealthy. Well, sorry but I don't buy that argument. If household chores were really that cushy, you would have been doing them yourselves and even would have had your kids doing it. Yes, I know you are pressed for time and so are the kids. So, I understand the need for hiring a maid. But please, PLEASE don't insult my intelligence by saying you are doing these kids a favor when you hire them. You probably hire them because you can pay them less and get away with it. And you can boss them around more than you could boss a grown man or woman around. Maybe, just maybe, you hire them because you couldn't find someone else. In that case, I'd say make time to clean up your own house, wash your own clothes (really how much time does it take to do it with a good washing machine?), assign chores to your family members. I grew up watching my mom get up at 5:30 am, sweep and wipe the floors, wash dishes, cook TWO meals (one for the tiffins and another for "lunch" that we had when we came back from school) and leave for work by 7:30. My dad helped out. We all pitched in. It was never considered by mom's task alone. They washed the clothes on Sundays. Dad would tidy up around the house before leaving for work. He would cook rice or make rotis before leaving if my mom asked him to. So I know it CAN be done. If you really care for these kids, maybe you could sponsor education for one of them. But that would mean giving without getting anything in return, wouldn't it?

I have heard arguments that the kids can be taught to read and write at home while also earning a living. Really? Is reading and writing enough for being "educated"? That is called being literate - not educated. How about math and science and even language? So, again - do not give me these lame excuses for hiring young kids.

Needless to say - I am touchy about this issue. I didn't realize I was this touchy. And at the same time I realize I haven't addressed the real issue yet. I have just ranted on the reasons people give for hiring young kids. And I don't know where to begin on this issue. Hiring kids as domestic help is just a teeny-tiny part of the whole issue. How about shopkeepers and other businessmen who hire them? How about other businesses (and the sweatshops that we hear about)? Well, we have to start from somewhere, right? And in my opinion, the only way to eradicate this is by killing the demand. If there is no demand for child workers, the supply will itself dwindle away. But is it that easy to implement? First of all - not everyone feels it is a wrong thing to do. Second - how about those families that need every member to work in order to survive? We can make any number of laws and this problem still won't go away. There HAVE been laws - what did they accomplish? We can pay these families money so they wouldn't send their kids to work and would send them to school instead. We did it. But that didn't work either.

To the parents who are so poor that they need every hand in the family to earn a living (even though I know they will never read my blog) I'd say don't bring children in this world if you can't afford to feed them and provide them a decent education. Really - we need to spread that message around. Don't procreate if you can't provide. [Heh! Did I just make a slogan?? :P]

Unfortunately, all I can personally do about this (being where I am) is blog about it. When we lived in India with my husband's family, we did hire a young boy who must have hardly been a day over 9 years. I didn't like it but at that time I had no say in such matters. I don't know if I'd have been able to do anything if we had stayed in India but I do know that in 12 years of marriage I'd have finally gathered courage to create a stink about it. Yeah, seems hypocritical then that I am writing this post. But times change a person and now I am not who I was then. If we had been living on our own, I would have definitely never hired a child as domestic help.

For a brief time J's mom hired a maid who used to bring her daughters along to help her. But one special thing I just realized about this mother-daughter trio is that the daughters went to school and helped their mom only after returning from school. I am expecting brickbats for saying this but I'll say it anyway. I think that is commendable on the mother's part that she was atleast sending them to school. That she brought them along to help her lessens her "crime" in my eyes.

I have no idea how to help the kids in sweatshops and quarries. Like Binaryfootprints said - we can start by spreading awareness about it. Maybe that won't eradicate this practice completely, but it would at least make some people rethink. That would be a start, wouldn't it?

So, I think... 40% of the time???

Caught this bug from Suki. It's fun! Try it. Your Thinking is Concrete and Random

You are naturally inquisitive and curious. You're excited by new ideas, and you are a true independent thinker. You are interested in what is possible. You like the process of discovery. You are often experimenting, challenging old ideas, and inventing new concepts. Rules, restrictions, and limit don't really work for you. You have to do things your own way, and you can't be bothered to explain yourself.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

You Are 60% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.

Are You A Lady?

Before the 10th month passes us by...

I have been so preoccupied with everything that has been going on that I missed recording some of the things that M does. And now they have flown out of my mind. But I will try and put down everything I can remember.

M started crawling a long time ago - and I wrote about that, I believe - now she has gained confidence in her skill. So she can crawl faster. And when she does, she looks like a spider scrambling from one rock to another :D Really! Yesterday, S was counting change from her piggy bank on the family room couch. When M saw this, she crawled over so fast that I was left blinking my eyes! As I have said earlier, this is one girl in a big hurry. She has been pulling herself up by grabbing furniture for a long time. She even walks that way. And she has also been trying to balance herself on her feet. So she grabs something to help her stand up, then lets go gently and plops down on her bottom a moment later. Repeats. Ad infinitum. The time between her letting go and plopping down is ssss...l...o...w...l...y increasing.

And she babbles almost non-stop now. Seems like she is teething too - but we won't know for sure until the teeth pop put. Seems like she is going to sprout the pearlies on the top first and that is a constant source of worry for my dad :) He mentioned some ritual that the mama (maternal uncle) has to go through if that happens. Supposedly, he has to come to our house, deliver something (I am not clear on what that is - I think dad said a piece of black cloth) and return without setting foot in the house. So, my dear little brother, get ready to come to the US and return without even drinking a glass of water at my place (**evil laughter**). I have suggested a work-around to my dad. My cousin, who lives in NJ can come over, deliver "the packet" to us, leave, have breakfast at a local Mc D's and then come back as if nothing happened. Do you think that will fool the finicky Gods? I mean, I don't want my cousin from NJ to make that 2.5 hour trip just to go back without even a cup of tea any more than I want my brother to make that Trans-Atlantic trip. Anyway, we are still considering possibilities here. I don't believe in all this stuff so I wouldn't do any of it. But obviously my dad does, so I might do it just for his peace of mind.

M loves it if we sing to her. Specially the Alphabet song. If she is cranky or fussy, I start singing the song and nine times out of ten she'd stop crying and smile. Same song if she won't eat her food. Over. And. Over. Or if she creates a scene while getting dressed for daycare. I can sing it in THREE different ways now. Changing the tune grabs her attention sometimes :P She also likes the "Twinkle twinkle little star" song. I guess it is just the tune she likes (both ABC and Twinkle have the same tune, after all).

She HATES a diaper change. Just doesn't want to lie down. Keeps turning over, which is fine in most cases. But when it is number two that you are trying to clean up? After she has been on antibiotics for so long? (The antibiotics have caused slight diarrhea) NOT FUN!! I keep a lot of odds and ends handy for diaper changes - hangers, clips, bottles with colorful caps, paper, books, ribbons, coasters.... She gets those only for as long as the diaper is being changed and I take them away as soon as we are done. She doesn't see those until the next change. So, I guess that keeps the novelty of those things alive.

M LOVES to eat. Not what I prepare for her, but what WE are eating. Even after she has had her dinner. So I sometimes feed her even if it is spicy. She'll get used to the spices that way. I have started giving her yogurt which she loves. And pasta and cheese ravioli. Will start her on egg yolks soon. She loves dosa. And khatta dhokla. Doesn't like idli that much because it gets dry and sticky in her mouth I guess. She loves squash, sweet potatoes and zucchini. J picked out all pea from his plate once and gave them to her. She loved eating those too. And she loves to eat stuff she picks from the floor! But these days, as soon as I see her picking something up from the floor I say "Mujhe de do" (give it to me) and hold out my hand to her. She will either hand it to me or throw it away, depending on the mood she is in.

Bed time is getting easier. [Note: When I say something is getting "easier", please take it with a grain of salt. It is easy as long as she is not sick. And we all know how sick she has been lately. So sometimes she regresses.] After she has had her formula, we just lay her down in the crib (even if she is not asleep) and most times that is it. If she is half (or full) awake, we still put her down in the crib, cover her with her blanket (which she then crawls out from), turn the lights out, lay down on our bed and say "so jao" (go to sleep) to her every few minutes. She just crawls around for a little while and then finds a comfortable position and goes to sleep. Sometimes, she stands up holding the crib rail and howls, in which case we pick her up and try again a little while later. Or just keep saying "haan, mai yahin hu. ab so jao" (yes I am here. now go to sleep) and it works! Once she is asleep, we just cover her with her blanket properly and slip out of the room. She sleeps better when the room is dark, so we keep the lights off. She likes to sleep on her stomach, with her bum in the air! I have to remember to take a picture before she outgrows that habit.

She is sleeping through most of the night. Again, the same disclaimer about her being sick applies here too. She wakes up more frequently if she is sick - which is understandable. But generally, she goes to sleep between 7:30 to 8:30 and doesn't wake up until 5:30 or 6. Sometimes even 6:30 if we are lucky enough! And if she wakes up around 5:30 or 6, she drinks another bottle of formula and goes right back to sleep. Today she was tired but was in a mood to play. I simply put her in the crib. covered her, turned the light out (we keep the curtains drawn so it was dark even at 6:15 am), crawled under my comforter and said "so jao" to her a few times. She stood up and howled. I crawled out of the comforter, put her down on her bed, covered her again, and said "so jao" again. And again. She quietened down. I crawled back into my bed and she was up again! So I just kept saying "so jao, mai yahin hu" (go to sleep, I am here) and she finally drifted off to sleep. Then the little miss slept till 8 when J had to wake her up! My ultimate goal is to lay her down in the crib, smile and say goodnight, turn the lights off and leave the room. I know it is a long way off, but I am sure we will get there. We had trouble creating such a sleep-time routine for S (a post on it later) so now I have started early. And it helps that the daycare follows the same procedure. With uniformity, it has become a little bit easier.

This month, we also saw a budding sibling rivalry - on M's side! It was the weekend and we were just relaxing, finishing weekend tasks at our own pace. J was sitting on the floor and M was crawling/playing around him. S came and sprawled on the floor with her head in J's lap. M immediately came over and climbed all over S to get in J's arms. We found it funny, the cruel parents that we are. But J told S not to move and helped M share the lap with S. Maybe she realized that she doesn't have a sole ownership of the lap because we haven't seen that behavior again. But it is too early to tell anyway.

A funny thing that J taught M - if you bring your forehead close to hers, she will lean her head forward and touch her forehead to yours. Or if you bring your fingers close to (about 2 inches) her forehead, she leans forward and touches her forehead to the fingers. I love doing it again and again and again - until she loses interest and moves on.

She also loves to crawl under the coffee table and an end table in our living room. Doesn't pay heed to the fact that both these tables are very low and she gets stuck when she crawls under them. And S handed over one of her chairs to M. M loves to sit on it. With both her arms on the hand rests and rocking back and forth. And the fascinated/excited expression on her face is worth watching. I have taken pictures - will post them soon. She is even trying to climb the stairs, this little bundle of energy!

We just gave M some of the foam books that we had bought for S long time back. She loves looking at them and S loves to "sing" them to her :) With the warm weather arriving, I am looking forward to going out on walks with both the girls (and their dad of course).

NOTE: J took M to the pediatrician's this morning and called me to tell me that the ear seems to have gotten a lot better. YAY! We have been instructed to continue the antibiotic for 2 more days (in addition to the 10 day course) so it clears out completely. Keeping my fingers (toes and eyes as well) crossed.

What did I do to deserve THIS?

The weekend was tough. I was sick - cough, cold, fever. The whole enchilada. For the first time in my life I wished we could ask someone to come over and take care of the baby so both J and I could rest a little. But J soldiered on, let me rest through the fever and by Sunday evening I was back on my feet. Even managed to clean the first level of the house! Dusting, sweeping of the floors - everything!! There is something about Monday morning deadlines that forces a person to shape up :D

Tuesday morning couldn't have gotten any more crappier for me. M had a appointment with her pediatrician for the 9 month checkup and she was supposed to get her shots. J was supposed to take her but at the last minute an emergency arose for him at work. I had an urgent meeting but his emergency trumped my urgency so I had to take M to the doctor's. Wasn't a big deal though - just had to email my boss that I'll be in late. That is the thing about such situations - you feel more guilty when everybody understands the situation you are in and doesn't say anything. Anyway. What do we learn when we get to the doctor's? That despite being on her THIRD round of antibiotics (Amox, Augmentin, now Vantin - I didn't know there WERE so many antibiotics :P) for SIX days, M still has an infection in her right ear. So now we are going to see an ENT specialist and see what he says.

But this is SO not the point of this post. When I got to my office, I popped in my boss' office and said "Sorry for the short notice" and what does he say? "No problem. Don't worry about it".

Then I bumped into Tharini from Winkiesway on Googletalk. Her reassuring words were like a soothing balm. She offered to send some Saibaba bhabhooti for M. Now I don't believe in all this, but I sure recognize love and caring and kindness when I see it. I really appreciated that offer and accepted it. Told Tharini my true feelings and said I'd try it for her sake and she accepted. I am hoping her faith will tide me through these difficult times.

Next, I see Broom on Googletalk and her status reads "sick". So I pinged her and eventually (pretty quickly, actually) the talk turned to my kids and their health. She offered a shoulder for me to cry/whine on and said she would have babysat for my kids if she were here. She even promised that she would sincerely pretend to "listen" to all my woes so I can IM her to my heart's content :D Now what else can you ask for, huh?

Then I went to our HR director and asked her if there was a way for me to get unpaid time off if I need to (my company doesn't do unpaid time off as a policy) and she told me that even though there isn't a policy, they do evaluate such cases on individual basis and all I have to do is submit a request saying I would like to take unpaid time off for all doctors' visits for the next x number of months. I asked her if, after doing this, I wanted to take paid time off at the end of the year (we are planning a trip to India) would it be frowned upon? She said no.

Then I went back to my boss and told him about my conversation with the HR director and he supported me thoroughly. He even suggested that maybe I should take some time off and keep M at home to help her get better fast. This, despite a BIG project looming ahead.

Later during the day another friend chided me for not telling her about our ordeal because she would definitely have helped (even though she was sick too).

Coming back to my question - what did I do to deserve such kind and compassionate friends and colleagues? It really warms my heart to see that there are so many people who care for us. THANK YOU ALL!!

MOTHER of all ear-infections!!

Just as we were beginning to relax about M's health - after her struggles with diarrhea - the E-Monster (Ear infection) struck! One day she came back burning with fever from the daycare and the provider said she had been tugging at her ear. It was so long ago(more than 22 days) so I have forgotten the details. But I remember, we took her to the pediatrician's the next morning and she was prescribed Amoxycilin. A 10-day course as is normal for an ear infection. No big deal, I said. She was supposed to get two doses every day so we gave her one dose at 8 in the morning and the second at 8 pm, just before bed. She responded to the second dose and was back to her regular, happy self. This was the same week that J had to go to NYC for his training. He didn't go away for the whole week, just left at 7 in the morning and came back by 7. But since he was commuting so much, I told him I'd take care of M during nights so he could get some rest. And M co-operated by sleeping through most nights. Still I got only about 5 hours of sleep each night, and sometimes less. No big deal, I said again, as I am used to pulling such "stunts". But I was also dropping off both kids and picking them up too. A friend helped out by having S ride the bus with her kids so I didn't have to drive across town to pick her up - this friend lives very close by. I'd leave work by 4, get home by 4:30, set up my computer and phone to work from home, then go pick M and S up, come back, give M her dinner and work from home till 7. I managed it pretty well too I think, but by Friday I was pooped.

Oh, and just to test my mettle, He-who-sits-up-there-and-has-a-wacky-sense-of-humor piled a few more things on my plate. Just for fun. Thursday, I picked up a VERY tired, no exhausted, S and by night she was running a high fever. 103. Gave me the heebie-jeebies. Cold-compressed her forehead. Told my boss I'd be working from home the whole day Friday, lugged both the kids to the doctor's next morning AND actually worked from home. I had a few deadlines to meet, a few meetings to attend (which I just "attended" over the phone) and a few reports to deliver. NOT a walk in the park - working from home with a sick kid and a sick baby, you know. With anxious coworkers "hovering" over for the urgent reports they need. One positive thing - S didn't have the flu or strep throat. It was possibly just some viral infection, most likely Mononucleosis (the doctor said) and passed out of her system in 3 days. She was back to school on Monday.

Friday morning, M completed the anti-biotic course and by evening she had developed fever again. High fever. And was drooling like a broken faucet. At first I thought maybe she was drooling because she was teething and maybe the fever was due to that too. But she was also gagging if she tried to drink/eat anything and threw up an entire bottle of formula on me so I decided to take her to the pediatrician's the next morning. In the meanwhile, I Googled her symptoms and found out that in babies excessive drooling may be a sign of throat infection.

Next morning (Saturday) the pediatrician checked her and found out that the ear-infection had returned. In my concern about the second round of anti-biotic that she was being put on, I forgot to ask him about the throat infection. We gave her one dose as soon as we picked up the medicine from the pharmacy and she promptly threw it up, along with her lunch. Since she had thrown every last bit up, even the Tylenol I'd given her before giving her anything else, I gave her another dose and she managed to keep it down. She was still drooling copiously in the evening and still had high fever so I called the physician on call and talked to her. I asked her about the throat infection and she said though the pediatrician who checked her should have checked her for throat infection and didn't, I had nothing to worry about as the antibiotics that she was on works for ear-infections as well as throat infections. By next morning the drooling had disappeared and M seemed to be on the mend. We also figured out why she was throwing the medicine up every time - it was bitter! So we started mixing it with water and the poor girl could barely ingest that but she made less fuss now. We still needed to grab her arms and force-feed her the medicine, but she kept it down now. By Friday, she had developed a cough. It was dry at first, then got phlegmy. We finished the anti-biotic course on Monday. The same day I got a call from her daycare that she had high fever (101.7) and could we please come an pick her up. I immediately called her pediatrician's office to schedule an appointment as I wanted her to be seen right away. This was at 3:45 pm. They said they'd accommodate her if I could bring her in right away but they close at 5 so I had to hurry. I work at least 40 minutes away from Norwalk, and then I'd have to add the time it will take me to pick her up and bring her to the doctor's office. I could get there by 4:45 pm and even that was iffy. So I asked J to pick her up and take her to the doctor's. The pediatrician who checked her declared her free of ear-infection and said there wasn't any congestion either. We were told to watch her and bring her back if the fever didn't go away. She was supposed to go in on Wednesday for her 9 month checkup and shots (which had been delayed because of the ear-infection). J and I were up most of Monday night/Tuesday early morning tending to her - she threw up 4 times in 12 hours and had trouble falling and staying asleep. By morning she was a little better but we decided to keep her home. I had a conference with S' class teacher at 8:45 am and we woke up at 8:10! I rushed off to the school while J got the girls ready and brought them to school. He dropped off S and handed over M to me. I emailed my boss that I'd work from home again. I am lucky that my boss is a kind, accommodating fellow. M was a little cranky and had low grade fever all day but otherwise she was OK. No throwing up, though she had a reduced appetite. By Wednesday morning, she was running a fever - 102.5 degrees. I gave her Tylenol and then rushed to the pediatrician's appointment. I knew they wouldn't give her the shots because of the fever but I wanted them to take a look at her. We found another ear-infection in the same ear. Third round of anti-biotic. I was getting more concerned by the minute. I had an important meeting to go to, so J took the day off and stayed home with her. We started her on the antibiotics but I made up my mind to go to another doctor for a second opinion. Fortunately our insurance plan allows us to do that without any hassles - we just have to walk in to any doctor's office and don't need any referrals.

I took a day off on Thursday and took her to a doctor we used to consult with for S when she was little. He took a look and said "You can give her antibiotics for the ear-infection and cure it, but it will keep coming back if you don't do anything about the congestion that she has". Turns out she had upper and lower respiratory tract congestion. She was prescribed a decongestant. I called her pediatricians back (it is a group) and told the physician-on-call about the second opinion and the decongestant. We agreed to give her one daily dose of the decongestant instead of the prescribed four and continue with the antibiotics. Just one dose of the decongestant worked wonders! Within 20 minutes of taking that, M was screaming at me because she wanted to share my meal. A first in the last 2 weeks! I made a plain dosa for her and she ate most of it! Her appetite is improving though she is very drowsy because of the decongestant and has been sleeping most of the day. But whenever she is up, she is cheerful and not cranky like before. She is even crawling again and running around in the walker. Maybe she feels better now, or maybe she is high!

We have to take her in next Tuesday for a follow-up when, hopefully, she will also get her 9 month shots. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best this time. A lot of women who work with me and have sent their babies to daycare have assured me that this will pass once the flu season goes by and I am trying to keep my hopes up. Have done a little research on ear infections. They are caused when the nose is congested and the nasal congestion drips into the ear canal, fluid accumulates and becomes infected. Many times an ear infection clears up by itself, but doctors don't like to wait for it to clear up in babies under 2 because a severe ear infection can cause a temporary hearing loss which, in turn, can result in impeded speech development in small babies. There are some other reasons too, but I really am not in a mood to go into the details. I was concerned about resistance to antibiotics and the doctors (both, the pediatrician and the one I went to for second opinion) AND the pharmacist told me not to worry about it as M is not being kept on the same anitbiotics for a long period of time. I must have asked them about 23 times. I feel a little reassured.

Oh, and now I have cough, cold and a fever too! Hope April turns out better.

निन्नी देवी की आरती

I sing this "aarti" while feeding Ninni, using a spoon full of food as the "aarti thali":D

Sung to the tune of "Om Jai Jagdish Hare".

ॐ जय निन्नी माता, मैय्या जय निन्नी माता
तुम को निस दिन पूजत, तुम को निस दिन पूजत
दीदी, पिता और माता
ॐ जय निन्नी माता

आलू, मटर व ढोकला सब कुछ है बनाया
मैय्या सब कुछ है बनाया
तुम को वही है खाना - 2
जो तुम्हें है भाता
ॐ जय निन्नी माता

Yup, we are a religious lot!

Difficult decisions, and a change of mind

Last few months have been somewhat tough on me. With M's trysts with diarrhea, lactose intolerance and now ear infection (more on that in another post - it deserves a post of its own), I have been wondering if I should quit my job and stay at home with her. And believe me, however hard it might be for me, I'd do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would set everything right. The latest discussion I had with J on this was last saturday when I just broke down and declared I was quitting on Monday. Believe me - I wanted to call up my boss right then and tell him that I am quitting. But then I and J talked some more about it and he said that though he would leave the ultimate decision on me, he doesn't think M will be any happier if I stayed at home with her. She is a very social baby. She loves it at the daycare - I can see it in the way she bounces and strains to get out of her car seat as soon as we get there. And how she smiles at me when I say "bye" to her and leave. And the way she just leans towards, and gets into the arms of her careproviders. And how she crawls furiously jumps into my arms when I get back from work. She has minimal stranger anxiety (ok - may that hasn't developed yet). That tells me that she is secure and happy at the daycare and also feels loved at home and is happy to be home too. What more can I ask for?

So, I have been going back and forth. Now I have decided that if she falls severely sick even once more, then I am done with my job. And that I am giving ourselves 4 months - during these 4 months, we will try and live within J's salary. If we can do it, I'll consider quitting my work for 6-8 months even if M is not sick.

I have always said that the decision to work outside of home should be the woman's and hers alone. Well, I am officially changing my stance on it. All these months, when I have been contemplating quitting my job, only one thing has made me think 3, 4 and even 10 times about this decision. And that is the strain it would put on J. And on our finances. I think, being an equal partner in this marriage it is my obligation to contribute in whatever way I can. Just like J doesn't have the luxury to contemplate staying at home (at least right now), I don't either. I know it is true just for me and may not apply to anyone else, but this is what I feel is right for my marriage and my life. I still think a woman shouldn't be forced to stay at home just because she is a woman.

Recently, I read a "Dear Abby" letter from a man who said he was working three jobs to make ends meet but his wife refused to work and just wanted to stay at home. That letter brought on this "thinking spree" (and now my knees are hurtin'! :D). I feel in a situation like that one, a wife should get out there and work and help her husband out. My mom did that. When she got married at the age of 19, all she wanted to do was stay at home an take care of her home and family (she told me this many years back). But my dad was under a lot of debt that he had accumulated for his studies, wedding and his sisters' weddings. My mom took up a job to help him out and because they worked like a team all their lives, they are now financially secure. Good marriages are made of this kind of stuff, aren't they?

Well, enough incoherency for one day. I gotta hit the sack now. It is 2 effing AM!

A word from the wise

"Ninni, you have the whole life in front of you. Choose carefully!!"

Sez who?

Little Miss S!

Eeeeek!! My daughter is wiser than I am! :P

You go girl!!

We need more girls like this one. The only thing I find disturbing is that the police made the two parties reconcile and didn't file a complaint. But maybe they did that in their misplaced notion of "helping" the girl (you know, saving her reputation etc.). Anyway, this is my cheer-upper for the weekend. More and more girls with a backbone. You dowry-demanding suckers out there - you better watch out!

So you don't miss me...

...here are a few pictures. Blogging will be very light as I have hundreds of things to deal with. J is going on a 5 day training next week, so I will be the only one doing all the drop offs and pick ups to and from school/daycare. I have this important project at work that I have to focus all my work-energy on (yes, being a mom, I have different kinds of energies - work energy, home energy, friend energy, wake-up-all-night-with-sick-baby energy, wake-up-all-night-with-sick-baby-and-report-for-work-next-day energy... ), I have to recertify for CCNA (the three year certificate-validity period is running out on me), start planning our garden for spring's arrival AND the kitchen garden - lots of tomatoes and other vegetables. Yum! So, blogging has taken a back seat - ONLY TEMPORARILY though. I love writing in this space.

We bought S a dinner set (playset) from IKEA. She washed the dishes and set out a place setting for me like this -

To give you an idea of the actual size -

And here is the plate against a pen.

Next....

GOOP ALERT!!! (Scroll down FAST to the bottom of the page, ye faint of heart!!)

M makes a mess of her food like this when she is sick and not in a mood for eating. Over the months I have learnt that if she is fussy about eating her goop ...er... food, it means she is sick or is going to be sick pretty soon. Nice of her to give me the heads up actually! This time it was an ear infection.

She looks so out of it, doesn't she? She was so tired on this day - hardly slept for an hour (total) in the entire day.

S, with her new haircut. This one doesn't do justice to the haricut actually - it is much better than it looks in this picture. Really.

This is how M looks when she is NOT tired, or hungry, or cranky, or sick....

I'm the naughty one in the family. Any doubts??

The IMP!!

PS: These pictures are from M's 9th month, so I am labeling them as such even though she is in the 10th month currently.

Got this in an email forward today

And since I don't like to spam people on my email list, I decided to spam the readers of this blog instead :)

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

All hail wine!! I'll go fill up my glass again. Hic!

Update: The first battle of wills

Well, the next day Little M saw the tissue box again and started towards it (we were in bed, J and I, and she was sitting between us). Then she remembered something and paused. Then looked at me and started towards the box again but then stopped and looked at me. Did this a couple of times and then reached out for the box....

I said "Uh-Unh" and she pulled her hand back. Then she decided she didn't want to take on mamma in a fight over a silly tissue box so started playing with something else. SCORE ONE FOR MAMMA!!

Then today, I left her sound asleep in our bed and went downstairs to pack lunch boxes etc. A little while later I heard her over the nursery monitor so raced upstairs (she was on our bed and not in her crib. Could have easily crawled off the edge and hurt herself) and found her holding a tissue triumphantly in her hand!

**SIGH**

I never said it will be easy, did I?

The first battle of wills

Baby M loves the tissue box. She loves to pluck a tissue out and tear it apart. We don't let her do it. For one, she puts the pieces in her mouth.

We usually keep a box of tissues in every room (really comes in handy when there is a mucous-filled 9 year old ready to explode in your face). There is even one on our bed, between the pillows, next to the headboard. It is this box that M made a beeline for this morning when I brought her in our bed. As she reached for it, I just blocked her access with my hand and said "No". She tried again from a different angle. I blocked her again and repeated "No". We went at this about 20 times. Usually, I just pick her up and distract her but today she wouldn't be distracted. She kept going back to the tissue box. And it is Saturday. I have all the time in the world (well, not really). So I decided to see if the block-and-say-No strategy took us anywhere. So I kept at it. Gently, but firmly. And in a true stubborn-child-of-stubborn-Cee style M kept at it too. After about the 17th try she started getting the idea. She still tried a few more times. Then she must have realized it wasn't working. So then she sat back and started playing with what I had been distracting her with.

It WORKED! She does understand a "No". Only she chooses to ignore it. But we are getting to the point where I just call out "Uh-unh" and she backs off. We have tried that when she was trying to grab hold of my laptop's adapter. It took a few tries - 5 or 6 maybe - but she did move on to something else and I didn't have to physically remove her from there.

In bargain, I do let her mutilate a few newspapers and glossy fliers (while keeping an eye on her that she doesn't sneak a piece in her mouth) and generally let her make a mess sometimes (like pulling freshly laundered, neatly folded clothes out of a laundry basket, onto the floor). I am trying to keep "No" to a minimum so that when I do say it, it is paid attention to. For now it seems like we are making a headway. Lets see where this strategy takes us. It worked for us with S. I never had to baby proof the apartment with her but then we were living in a one-bedroom apartment and didn't really have much stuff anyway. No coffee table, no dining table or the horde of other tables that we have around the house now. And all these tables have stuff on them - photo albums, candles, flower vases, table lamps, books.... It will be interesting this time around.