Here we go again...

Deep, dark crevices of depression... Huge waves of sadness and weepiness... Dark thoughts... All caused by 2 small pills. Who knew they could be so strong? All alone in the middle of this - who do I turn to, who do I talk to? No one, it seems. So its me, just me...

Ever Wonder...

...why the dumbest users have the BIGGEST egos??

...why the traffic jams up just as you hang up the phone after telling your spouse you should be home in time since the roads are clear?

...why even one out of 20 million sperms can't find the egg?

Actually, I know the answer to the last one - it is because none of the lousy buggers would stop to ask for directions!

Yeah - that's me. Trying to find humor in a situation that is making me miserable. this cycle didn't work either. And yesterday I received the “Third trimester” issue from BabyCenter magazine that I had signed up for when I conceived in November last year, not knowing it was for nothing. I unsubscribed from the electronic newsletter but I guess I forgot to unsubscribe from the magazine. Anyhoo – life goes on. It must.

The In-Laws are arriving June 30th. I am both, looking forward and dreading, the visit. Latter, because I am an intensely private person and wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing the every-day details of infertility treatment with them. I know, the first thought that comes to mind is – “Private person? What the heck is she talking about? She writes about these very details in her blog, for goodness’ sake!” Its true – but you see the blog offers me anonymity AND the choice of whether I want to reveal these details or not. Or when. I usually write when I feel I can handle the emotions – not right then and there. But when you live with someone, and they see your long face and want to know what happened, you don’t get to choose the timing. You either tell, or you don’t. Or you just hide what’s bothering you and go on with your routine. The first option makes me uncomfortable, the second one hurts some one else’s feelings and the third one creates stress for me. Well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. ** Chucks the thought out of her mind until the said bridge looms ahead**

Have a happy weekend, everyone! I will try, too.

Oh, the things we do for our kids...

... even the ones that aren't born yet. I did something that I never thought I'd be able to do. This IUI cycle, I took Clomid (its a drug used to stimulate follicular development) and on the 12th day of my cycle I was supposed to give myself a shot of "Ovidrel" (to time the ovulation). "Not in this life-time" I told my doctor. I am a BIG chicken when it comes to shots. I think I would make a lousy junkie because I am so afraid of needles. It has been a big accomplishment for me just to go to the clinic regularly to get blood-work done 3-5 times a month. So it was UNTHINKABLE that I would give myself a shot. But I did. My husband said he could do it but since I am such a scaredy cat, it made him nervous. Then I called a friend of mine to see if she knows how to give a shot to somebody - she didn't but said she'd do it for me. So I figured if she could do it, I could do it too :P The weird thing is I didn't feel a thing because the needle was so fine but I don't think it will be any easier for me the next time. Keeping my fingers crossed...

On a separate note, which is not related to the title at all - I had an unpleasant experience at the cafeteria in my office building yesterday. It reminded me why I don't buy lunch from there very often. I usually bring my own lunch but yesterday I hadn't, so I went down to the cafe to get myself a sandwich and some fries. The person manning the grill took my order (Cheese and Tomato sandwich, please?), went in and brought out two RAW beef patties, wiped his gloved hands on a terry-towel and started making my sandwich. I asked him incredulously "Aren't you supposed to change your gloves after handling raw meat?". He says "Oh, don't worry. I wiped my hands". Excuse me?!! WTF?? Then he changed his gloves and made me another sandwich. Then he went on to wipe a knife on the terry towel that he had previously wiped his hands on and cut my sandwich with it!! Eeeek!!! I threw the sandwich away and just ate the fries. I also complained to the supervisor of the kitchen staff - but I don't think anything will come out of it. So, next time I need to buy lunch, I am going to "Pizza and Brew" half a mile down the road.

Another such experience recenlty left me shaking my head in amazement at how people who need to practice hygiene for sake of other people's health, don't. A nurse at the infertility clinic that I go to needs a reminder everytime to "please use another guaze - this one has been lying on a contaminated surface" when she draws my blood. The "contaminated surface" is a counter-top around a sink which has obvious water-stains and dirt and God knows what else. Everytime I ask this nurse to change guaze, she looks at my like I am inconveniencing her to the extremes. I wonder why I haven't spoke to her supervisor about it yet - I will do so the next time. I have been working on my "confrontational skills" lately. Another post on that some other time.

I am so disgusted at the lack of hygiene in people I see around me. One of the female executives in my company just sticks her hand under the faucet for a second after taking care of "major business" in the bathroom. Another one just walks out without so much as wiping her hands. I always remember not to shake hands with these two. My 7 year old daughter knows better than them - she washes her hands everytime she uses the bathroom without any reminders. Properly. I am more concerned about hygiene practices (or lack thereof) of people in food or health industry. These are people whose actions affect lives of other people. And I see so many of my daughter's friends who apparantly haven't been taught the importance of washing hands properly. I don't agree that "they are just kids and will learn in time". My daughter is an example that kids can learn better habits if you just remind them every single time for 7 friggin' years. In my opinion, parents just don't make the effort - and then these kids grow up to be adults with unhygienic habits and then it is not "cute" anymore. In fact, it is not cute at any age.

I have a lot to blog about, but so little time. I hope that someday I will get around to blogging about our new home, about so many emotions swirling inside me about so many things happening around me. All I know is - NOT TODAY. Gotta go!!