My silence
speaks volumes
in the calls I don't make,
conversations I don't carry,
halfhearted smiles I smile.

My silence
speaks volumes
in what I don't say,
thoughts I don't express,
feelings I hide.

My silence
speaks volumes
in tears I don't shed
(but wish I could),
memories I don't dwell in,
regrets I don't hold.

My silence
is sometimes forgotten
and I laugh, smile and even talk.
But then I go back
to my silence
because
my silence
feels so comfortable around me.

Let go and move on. And shut up.

Today is October 4th. The day my father passed away 4 years ago. As the years pass by, I find it easier to deal with my loss but I still struggle on and around this day. I become cranky, withdrawn and introspective. I try to find a connection with my dad by doing a "havan" on the morning of October 4th, and by making his favorite food for dinner. I try not to miss him, his soft laugh and rough touch. I try to remember what he taught me and how much he loved me. I try to bring up a picture of him in my mind – that disarming smile, thick black/grey hair, broad forehead. Sometimes, instead, I see the image of him standing next to my mom, withered and tired – this was when he visited me for the first time after he had just recovered from a stroke. My mind wanders on to the painful fact that I listened to him and did not go to India when he was hospitalized for his surgery. I could at least have met him, touched him, and talked to him one last time. He told me to stay home because M needed me. That he will be fine and back home in no time. I was a fool to listen to him.

This is also the day when I feel the loneliest on the planet even though I have J with me and he stays home to do the havan with me. Human mind is such that it always craves the unattainable. That "unattainable" thing for me is a phone call from my family to let me know that they are thinking of me, even though I am so far from them, while they have all gotten together to pay homage to my dad. I call them on the evening of the 3rd, when it is already the morning of 4th at their end. They are usually getting ready to do a havan themselves - cleaning, getting ready, setting things up. We chat briefly and then hang up amidst promises of them calling me the next morning when it is the 4th at my end.

On the morning of the 4th, J and I get ready, clean out the place where we are going to do the havan (usually the garage because it has been raining on this day for the last three years), drop the girls off at school, come back and get everything ready - all the while keeping an ear open for the phone, hoping that it will ring sometime soon. That it will be my mother or brother calling to let me know that even though I might be physically alone, thousands of miles away from them, they are with me in thought and spirit. The call never comes. That is one thing I can count on – that I will never receive that one call on this particular day, when I need it the most. I must learn to cope on my own.

A few friends, to whom I vented about this, consoled me by saying they perhaps “freeze up” at the thought of making this call, it must hurt so much. I can understand that, and at the same time I don’t. I understand that it can hurt terribly, that their grief probably paralyzes them. But, I can’t understand why someone would not think of a loved one’s hurt and keep his (or her) own hurt aside for a few minutes. Can it be that difficult? If my daughter told me how it hurts that I don’t call her on the one day that she feels utterly lonely, I think I WOULD remember to call her from then on even if my own grief was killing me.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of it unnecessarily. I should count my blessings. My mom loves me dearly, and so does my brother. I have spent the entire day today reminding myself of this. If my mom didn't love me, she wouldn't close down her own home for 4 months to come live with me. If my brother didn't love me, his face wouldn't light up when we meet. People can love you and still be thoughtless sometimes. I have to learn to accept that. I should just let it go and move on. But moving on is such a hard thing to do! There should be an app for that.

What's in a hug?

You know, when life sucker-punched you in the face and everything that could go wrong, did?
There’s a hug for that.

When you just get beat down with one problem after another and can’t get a moment to catch your breath?
There’s a hug for that.

When you are so tired from the constant juggling and running and managing of schedules that dropping dead seems like an appealing solution?
There’s a hug for that.

When life plonks you smack-dab in the middle of a hopeless situation and you see no way out?
Yeah, there’s a hug for that.

When your worries are dragging you down, inch by inch, away from the happy perch that you earlier clawed yourself up to?
There’s a hug for that too.

When people you depended on or trusted, are no longer dependable or trustable?
There better be a hug for that!

But best of all – when you just want a hug, and nothing but a hug?
There IS a hug for that!


I came across the “Free Hugs Campaign” quite accidentally – I don’t remember where or how. But it drives home the truth that doesn’t normally register on our minds – a simple hug carries such a therapeutic power in it. Have you ever had a day when you just craved for a tender human touch? For a friend to give you a squeeze and say “It’s gonna be alright”? Or for someone to just fold you into their arms and hold you for a while? I have had many of those days in the past few months. I am lucky to have a few very special people in my life who dole out hugs on a regular basis as well as on special demand. But there are occasions when I need a hug and still don’t want to have to ask for it. (What? A girl is allowed that!!) On those days I wish

a) My loved ones had “Cee needs a hug” sensors, OR
b) Someone was running a Free Hugs campaign in my neighborhood.

Yeah I am silly like that. And I pay for it by not getting hugs when I most need them.

This is how I feel at times

I grew up in a "hug-less" environment but I knew I was loved. My parents didn’t show their affection in physical ways but they never missed an opportunity to let me and my brother know that they loved us very much. So, it was very late in life that I realized the power that a simple hug carries in it. But, I still can’t bring myself to hug people randomly, no matter how close I am to them. J and the girls are an exception – I think I must suffocate them with the hugs I bestow upon them. I have hugged my best friend of 11 years on occasions that I can count on the fingers of one hand. We joke about it. I wish I could just reach out and hug her when we meet or when we leave after meeting but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I often wonder why I am this way, but haven’t been able to figure it out.

It could be my fear of rejection (yes I have that) but that is silly, isn’t it? How would someone reject a hug? Especially someone who, I know, cares about me. Beats me. Who can figure out the ways of a Crazy Cee? At least not a Cee. Do you have any insights?

So, coming to the original question – what’s in a hug? A hug can be a means to show that you care. It has therapeutic powers, no doubt.  But also some apprehension, self-doubt and fear of rejection apparently (for me). Oh, and according to some articles I found online, some signals, innuendos, opportunities etc. too :)

Note: When I was searching for answers to my question "What's in a hug?", I came across a post bearing the same title by another blogger. Since I had already typed my whole post out, I didn't change the title of mine. Do read this post - very well written.

An Indian woman's dilemma

I’ve felt the rage

that made me bare my fangs.

I’ve been filled

with love’s bitter pangs.

I’ve been to the end

of despair and back,

and then I saw a door

open just a crack.

I got a glimpse of

what my life could be.

I thought of the loved ones,

and then I thought of me.

They don’t go together,

the thoughts of me and them.

Oh how I wish I were

the selfish kind of fem!

The door that opened

and called out to me,

showed me the dreams

of a long-lost younger me.

I took a step to it,

and another.

Then I remembered I'm a

daughter, wife and mother.

I long for an answer,

whatever it may be.

It would be nice to have

an end to the agony.

But I don’t think I can

take it anymore.

I think I’m just  gonna

have to shut the door.

If there were no consequences

to anything that we do, what would you do?

We all work (most of the times) within the parameters set by the real or perceived consequences of our actions. When we, intentionally or unintentionally, do things without considering the consequences, we face them. Eventually. That, I believe, also works as an effective parenting technique. What better way to teach your child to heed the consequences of their actions than to let them have a brush with a few unpleasant ones?

S once forgot to bring her homework to school despite a few reminders from me. The next day I got a call from her class teacher, asking me to verify that she had indeed, as she was insisting, done her work. I verified that and then requested the teacher to still go ahead and implement the standard consequence for missing homework - make S do the homework in class by making her miss recess. This happened when S was in first grade. She is in eighth grade now and reminding her to take her homework or projects to school is NOT one of my responsibilities. She remembers it herself.

So, coming back to the original question. If you could do anything without having to face any consequences, what would you do? Me? I think it will be pretty meaningless to do anything then. We do things because they carry consequences - pleasant ones. We refrain from doing things that carry unpleasant consequences. But I don't think anyone likes to do anything that doesn't carry any - those are called meaningless tasks, aren't they?

Okay, let's assume we are only eliminating the unpleasant consequences. What would you do then? I can think of a few things right away that I would do. No, murder is not one of them. I don't hate anyone enough to murder them. Not anymore anyway. But then I pause and think again - even if there weren't any (unpleasant) consequences tied to my actions, would I take advantage of that? I would still know what I'd done and that it is wrong (remember, we are talking about removing unpleasant consequences so it must mean that the actions preceding them are wrong). That would be enough to deter me because I do not like not liking myself.

Anyway, I think the mark of an honorable man (and woman) lies in how he/she behaves even in absence of negative consequences. Now, I don't claim to be honorable (though I try to be), but I do think living this way is also easy on one's conscience. Now THAT is something I like!

What about you?

(Note: Cross-posted here)

A-less

Ernest Vincent Wright, I'm told, wrote one 50,000 word novel without using the letter "e". Impressive, huh? I've decided to try to write 26 posts - every one without one specific letter of the English letter set, going in sequence from beginning to end. Just curious - did you notice so long I've not used the first letter of the "English Letter set"? (Yes I'm permitted to devise my own words or descriptions if I come up short on synonyms)

So, this will be interesting. I wonder how long I'll keep going before I stumble into some letter which I decidedly couldn't do without. E? Some other vowel? I wonder. I'm sure it will be some vowel which will get the better of me. Let's see. Bring it on!! (Obviously I've tons of time but not enough things to do)

Who says you can't go home?

Who says you can't go home? (God, I LOVE that song!!!)

I did. And I had a blast. Met friends and family. Got over a few grudges. Found peace of mind in a few matters. Got sick like a dying dog. Traveled. Learned a few things. Unlearned a few things.

One thing I learned is that "alone" doesn't quite mean alone. When I told people I was traveling alone, the next question out of their mouths used to be "With the kids?" Amazing!! People either don't listen or their idea of a woman traveling alone is that of a woman traveling alone (as in without her husband) with her kids. I am still trying to wrap my head around this.

Some people expressed worry at me leaving my kids "alone" - apparently having their own dad there with them does not count as able supervision. I am still trying to decide if I should take it as an insult over considering my husband incapable of taking care of his own children or just chalk it up to their ignorance. A few women expressed their envy at me being able to do it, and that made me feel sad for those who can not even consider this option, even if a family emergency were to arise.

I found that the two cities that I always visit on my trips to India - Jodhpur and Indore, were cleaner this time. Perhaps due to the government's ban on plastic bags. No more plastic waste, wrapped around all sorts of "other" waste flapping around on the streets. The traffic seemed saner in Indore too - but maybe that was only due to my own limited exposure to it. I was in the city for a mere 2.5 days.

I met a bunch of highschool classmates in Jodhpur. We had a 23-year reunion. 15 of us made it, 3 of us alone and the rest with families. It was wonderful to see how all of us have changed and grown and also to meet the spouses and kids. I particularly appreciated the spouses who made it to the reunion. J had one for his high school last year and if I could go (I couldn't - didn't have enough vacation time) I probably would have opted out. I am kinda shy and uncomfortable in gatherings where I don't know most of the people. That is really strange because I don't have problems making friends with strangers - I am just uncomfortable in gatherings.

I also benefited from the motherly hovering, caring and pampering that my mom bestowed on me :) This is exactly what I had been missing, and wishing for. The last few years haven't exactly been easy on me and I had been grappling with a lot of self-doubt and angst. This trip resolved a lot of that. Being with my mother eased some of the hurt that had crept in seeing her feel miserable and lonely in my home when she visited us last in 2010. She'd had to cut her visit short due to the loneliness and I took it as a personal failure, somehow. I just wish I could have spent more time with her in Jodhpur. She flew to Delhi to see me off back to US but I couldn't really spend much time with her that day as I was sick and spent most of the day sleeping. My youngest aunt came to Jodhpur to meet me as well, and so did my maternal uncle and aunt and one of their daughters with her son. I was moved that so many people considered it worth their time and effort to come meet me after traveling for hours.

Next stop was Hyderabad where I met The Ro, The Maggie, The Sue and The Dipali. The K and The EvesLungs were supposed to join us too but K cancelled early on during the planning phase due to some clashing family plans and EL had to change plans at the last minute. Both were tremendously missed. The 2 days that I spent in Hyderabad were wonderful despite the cough and the fever that I developed on my way there from Jodhpur. Ro and her husband, Jai, are awesome hosts. And don't believe Ro when she complains about her "brats" - I didn't see better behaved kids on my entire trip that took me through 5 cities and 7 airports (a couple of them multiple times).

I bought my anniversary gift from J in Hyderabad - two pearl sets! I didn't do much shopping - most of everything that I brought back from India was gifted to me. All I had to do was pay the extra baggage fee at EVERY. SINGLE. PORT!! But the new and improved me didn't mind the extra fee or the overweight baggage - instead I loved my friends and family for the love they showed me.

Next I visited my brother and his wife in Pune. 2.5 days again. 2.5 days full of rest, relaxation, shopping, chatting, laughing, arguing - something I hadn't done with them in a long, LONG time. This probably was the most memorable part of my trip - made me realize how much I had been missing my brother. He was my first "best friend" - someone I could share everything and anything with. I was glad to find out that things are still the same. We went out for coffee and I ended up spilling my emotions in front of him about a lot of things that had been bothering me for some time. And a few tears. He is still one of VERY FEW people I can cry in front of. He took it all like he always has - with patience and understanding like only a best friend could. Bonded with my sister in law over cups of tea and her reprimands to my brother about taking better care of me while I was visiting them :) She is another perfect hostess who makes sure you are comfortable in her home without making you feel awkward about the care being dispensed. And she has decorated her home beautifully!!

From Pune I went to Indore to visit my in-laws for 2.5 days. Turned out to be the best trip I have ever had to Indore. No pressure, easy conversations, fun and laughter. Lots of love from my nephew and niece. A lot of pampering from my brother in law and his wife. Some happy conversations with my father and mother in law. All in all, a happy trip. From there it was back to Delhi and then to US. I had been sick ever since I left Jodhpur but that did not stop me from enjoying myself. Towards the end though, my energy depleted and I almost crashed in Delhi. I managed to bring myself home despite an upset stomach, cough, fever and high blood pressure from all the travel related stress (and an inefficient medication - but more on that later).

So, you see, I did manage to go home and then come back to where my home is now.

'sup?!

I know I have been AWOL. For a very long time. I tried convincing myself that it was okay because, really! Who really reads my blog anymore? I tried telling myself that I really write only for myself - and that IS true. I am not catering to the readers of my blog. I don't mean that as an insult - all I mean is that I write what I want to write about and do not worry about what will "sell". Maybe I could write on topics that generate discussion to get more readership.

Well, coming back to the topic - I tried telling myself that no one is really reading my blog. But every time I visit my own blog, I see the follower count stuck at 44. I come in expecting to see it going down steadily but am amazed to see it at the same number every time. And that has started making me feel guilty about not posting. So here I am with an update on what's going on with me :)

S turned 13 this year. She has grown taller than me. She is getting better and better at playing her violin and at gymnastics. And she will be going to high school next year. That last bit is giving me panic attacks, but that is not the only thing causing panic. I have gone back to school too. For years I waited to either save enough money to get a MBA degree or to find a company that would help me pay for it. Well, finally I got hired at a company that provides tuition assistance to its employees. I started this fall. Also took the GMAT and stressed out terribly over it, scored a 680 after studying for about a week, submitted my score, transcripts, personal essay and references and waited with bated breath for a decision from the admission committee. Received the acceptance letter two days ago. PHEW!!

M is four and a half now. FOUR AND A HALF!!!! How long has it been since I posted ANY updates on her? I don't remember when I posted about her last. I know that is terrible but I couldn't really do anything about it. Life was just a whirlwind of family visits, get-togethers with friends, school, work and...  well, life.

So that's it. How have you all been? I hope to be more regular here but I don't really know what I will be writing about. Maybe you guys could help me out? Leave me post suggestions in the comments if you can spare a few minutes for that.

Oh and one final update - I have started contributing parenting articles at Mom & Me. Please do visit and check my posts out. I will be posting an article every week (well, hopefully). I do sincerely want to get regular with posting there, Women's Web, Stage of Life and on this blog. Lets hope it works out in addition to school, work, family and our busy social calendar.

But you said...

“But you said…”

“Yes, I know. But things have changed”

“But you promised!”

“I know darling! But, you know, things are different now”

“All I know is that you PROMISED!”

“Listen, I… See. I can’t, anymore…”

“I thought you’d keep your word”

“I always do. It’s just…”

“No you don’t! You aren’t keeping it NOW!”

“You HAVE to understand. Please understand”

“I understand. But still, you promised. Wasn’t it you who taught me to 

Say what I mean and mean what I say?”

“Yes, and now I want you to

Do as I say and not as I do!”

Hop over!

My latest post at Women's Web is up.

An excerpt:

I am 40. It took me this many years to learn to stand up for myself.  And even now, I am not fully there yet. I still, sometimes, need to remind myself to think of “me” instead of the other person. My first reaction is still to blame myself if I get in a conflict with someone. I am still too timid to speak up about what I want or things that bother me. And when I catch myself doing that, I wonder why it is so? Why is it easy for men to say “Well, he/she is an a-hole” when they get in a conflict while women say “I must have done or said something to elicit that response from him/her”?

What is it that makes us this way? Our upbringing? Maybe. Our inherent nature? I doubt that. Social conditioning? YES! I cannot remember the number of times I have been told by one particular female relative that, being a woman, it is my supreme duty to a) tolerate everything, b) put others first, c) keep my mouth shut. You subject a woman to years of that sermon, along with taking her independence away by forbidding her from working, making her financially dependent and telling her all the time that she is good only because you are good to her (which implies no matter what she does, her efforts can never be exceptional or applaud-worthy) and what do you get? A broken woman who think she is good for nothing. A woman who takes years to realize that she got the jobs that she got (when she finally went out to work) because she was wanted for her skills and not because the employers were out to do charity.

Midlife crisis

I have been feeling a disconnect from everything I cherish in my life. I feel I just go through motions to get through the day, week, month. Have been feeling this way for some time now. Is this midlife crisis? If it is, then it is going to be a long one - because I don't think I am middle aged yet.

This is not fair though. Men get to have affairs and buy motorcycles and women get hot flashes and begin brooding over life's bigger questions? 

Is there an app for that?

You ever been in a situation where grief just piled up inside you and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't find the release button? Where the frustration is so bad you want to cry, and a good cry is exactly what you need, but the tears just won't come?

I'm there.

Ma's birthday is coming up and such occasions just make me miss Pa with an intensity that won't fit any scales. I become a confused jumble of thoughts and emotions. That's where I am. Been trying hard to get away from it. I generally have a hard time crying. And I have a hard time crying in front of others. That has been the main problem so far - I can't find a quiet place to sit with my thoughts and have a good cry. Where does one go for that? Is there an app for that? Let me know.

The Generation F

F, for Forgotten. I belong to it. I know a lot of other friends who do, too. A cousin recently lamented over the same thing - being forgotten. You automatically get included in this generation as soon as you move out of the country, away from all friends and family.

My membership to this exclusive club began in September '99. At first I didn't realize what was going on. Dollar-to-Rupee conversion and vice-versa convinced me that the high rates for phone calls were the reason no one called. Then the rates began dropping. Now, it is a comfortable single digit number per minute. Easily affordable. Still no calls. Most times only email invitations for weddings make their way to us. Sometimes only the information of a wedding trickles back to us. We do get loads of calls on birthdays and anniversaries from loving family members. Sometimes friends too. And for those, we are thankful. Festivals, for some reason, are altogether different.

We try to call all friends and family members on festivals. That can take over a week as there are loads of calls to be made but only so many hours during which to make them, due to the time difference. And during those times, sometimes, a poignant realization hits me - we are the only ones making these calls!! It has been extra tough since my dad passed away. Festivals are now a reminder of the days when we used to get a call/email/ecard from him. I try to call my mom and brother the night before (morning of, their time) and on the morning of (evening of that day, their time) - because I know they must be missing him too. And I like to believe that my calls provide them some comfort. But come evening (my time) on the day of, I am left alone to celebrate the occasion and to miss him. It hurts the most on those times. But I am getting used to it. I know I will eventually get to a point where I will be able to give without expecting to receive. That is called growing up, isn't it?

Desperate times call for desperate measures

I have been feeling this urge to write a post - ANY post - but didn't have the energy to complete a couple of posts that I started because they need a deeper thought, which the current state of sleep deprivation is incapable of facilitating. So I picked up this tag from Meira's blog.

1. ) When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I know what I didn't want to be - a mom! I mean, I always assumed I would be, one day. But never "actively" looked forward to it! Until 12th grade, I wanted to become a neuro-surgeon. Something changed overnight towards the end of 12th grade and I decided to go into technology.

2.) What’s your favorite poem? (And if you don’t have one, why?)

Be The Best of Whatever You Are - by Douglas Malloch

AND

Leisure - by William Henry Davies

3.) Define “freedom.”

Freedom to be myself. 

4.) What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of your father?

I miss him.

5.) Do you owe an apology to anyone? Why?

Loads and loads of people from my past. Why? Because I was an insufferable bi*** in those days. Even my mom - for putting her through various heartaches by my thoughtless words.

6.) You’ve just been given a million dollars. You are not allowed to keep it or give it to anyone you know personally. What do you do with it and why?

Give some to American Heart Association because I lost my dad to a heart attack. Maybe my money will help in some research that will save someone else's dad.

Give some to the Red Cross. Pa had the heart attack waiting for blood that matched his blood group. They did find it but maybe he could have been saved if they had found the blood earlier and he could have had his surgery sooner. I know this won't bring him back but maybe someone else will get the blood they need, in time.

Give a whole lot to Kiran's "Pavement Schools" (scroll to the end of the page). I know this violates the rule about not giving it to someone you know personally, but to heck with it! It is MY money - I will do as I please with it. I believe she is doing a world of good with this one thing. With others too, but this one I admire and respect immensely.

7.) Japanese lore suggests that if you fold 1,000 paper cranes, your wish will come true. What would your wish be, and what would you be willing to do 1,000 times to get it?

Nothing. I have everything I need. I know how to live without my wants if I can't have them or afford them. Four years ago I would have said "for another baby". 

8.) If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year-old self, what three things would you tell yourself?

1. Don't be too tough on yourself. It wasn't your fault.
2. Be kinder with your words and actions.
3. People who are criticizing you right now are like pesky ants. Ignore them. Focus on your studies. Your knowledge will carry you through life - or at least make your passage easier.

9.) Tell us about your first kiss.

Gave me a bruised lip that I had to explain away as "bumped my face into the corner of a file folder HARD" :D

10.) What are the five best bands you’ve seen play live?

Ummmm.....

11.) What’s your superpower?

I know how to communicate with my preteen daughter :)

12.) What’s your greatest fear?

Of ending up an old, lonely, bitter woman.

13.) If you could take a train journey through any part of the world, where would you go?

Home.

14.) What’s the one food you feel like you couldn't live without? What’s the one food you’d rather die than put in your mouth?

There is no food I couldn't live without. Am already living without many foods I could easily find in India but can't find here.

I don't think I can EVER eat shrimps, lobsters, crabs or the food that they serve on "Fear Factor"!

15.) What was the worst job you ever had?

None. I have enjoyed all the jobs I have held so far. Even if they were stressful.

16.) Do you think it’s ever permissible to cheat?

No. There is no excuse for cheating. You are unhappy with your current partner? Separate and then marry/start dating someone else.

17.) Do something nice for someone today. Then tell us about what you did.

Called a user back to give him a reply to a question he had asked but I had forgotten to answer during our conversation. Help-desk doesn't do that, you know! :P

18.) Perhaps you’ve played this game. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse lets you have one free pass — one special man or woman who is so attractive and out of reach that if circumstances allowed it, your partner would allow you to sleep with that person. Most monogamous couples feel safe with the free pass rule as it’s more theoretical than practical. Sill, if your partner gave you a free pass, would you use it? On who? (Single people can use this prompt however they please.)

No. Would never use that pass. It is equivalent to cheating in my books.

19.) How do you feel about the name given to you at birth?

LOVE it!!

20.) Tell us everything you know about the day you were born.

NOTHING happened on that particular day (in 1970). Bah!! Oh, but I do know what happened on this day this year - I turned FOR-TEE!! I am SO gonna rock this decade, yeah!!

21.) In what ways have you become ‘green’ in the past few years? Do you think that it has made a difference?


I try to minimize the water wastage when I work in the kitchen, I turn off lights in empty rooms. I think it does make a difference, even if in a very small way. I don't leave my car running when I go to drop my kids off - you won't believe how many people do that! I am helping the bumble bee and butterfly population by maintaining a vegetable garden :D I TRY to use organic fertilizers and pesticides. I also conserve energy (mine) by trying not to yell at the kids or the husband for every small thing :D THAT definitely has made a HUGE difference.

22.) What’s the first thing you notice about a man when you meet him? A woman?

Man - His behavior towards his wife if he is married, girlfriend if he isn't and has one. Towards other people around him, including those who are serving him. His parenting style if he has kids.

Woman - about the same. Her behavior towards her husband if she is married, boyfriend if she isn't and has one. Towards other people around her including the ones who are serving her. Her parenting style if she has kids.

There!! Now tell me YOUR answers. Leave me a link here and I will come visit to read your post.

Pleading "Not Guilty"

Note: I had been planning this post for a long time but now seemed like a good time to post it because I came across the The Women's Web 'Mommy Guilt' Contest. Mommy Guilt is omnipresent, but it doesn't have to consume us!

I often joke that the only trips I take are the Guilt Trips that the states of being a mother, daughter, wife and friend induce. I am way too familiar with the feeling of guilt. The pensiveness, the tension. The nagging feeling that you are responsible for someone else's unhappiness or misfortune. Oddly tough, the guilt I suffer the least is Mommy Guilt. I guess I have been through too much to have already realized that NOTHING is under your control as a parent. 

I had no problem conceiving my first child. It seemed like we decided to have kids, started trying and Boom! I was pregnant. Well, not right away. It took us two tries because the first month we were so tired we fell asleep during the baby making process. (Yeah mom!! That's what happened and it IS funny so don't run away now. Read the entire post :P You too, bro! :D) Then, 3 years later, we decided to bring another child into this world and started trying. And kept trying. And trying. And trying. For four years. And then a bulb went "Ping!" in our brains! WE NEEDED HELP!! So then began the trips to Infertility specialists and clinics and various labs. And the Guilt Monster raised its ugly head - maybe I hadn't been taking good care of myself, maybe I was too fat, maybe I had waited too long and my biological clock was all ticked out. The nice specialists we met slowly, but surely debunked all my maybe's. Women heavier than me got pregnant all the time and the test results showed nothing was wrong with me or J. At 35, my biological clock was fine too. Ours was "Idiopathic Infertility". I define it as "A condition where idiots, who have already conceived once, fail to conceive". I have found that humor is great for dissipating guilt :D 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs later, M came along. Now I look at M and tell myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty any more!"

Working-Mommy-Guilt has been the easiest to deal with. I grew up watching my mom juggle a job with family and housework and saw how she did it all. She actually made it look easy and fun AND fulfilling. So I always knew where I stood in this regard. In the "want to work outside of home" camp. Thankfully, with flexi-time and the good (albeit expensive) childcare options available to us here, it has been manageable AND fulfilling so far. What could be wrong in providing my kids with a secure financial future AND providing them with a happy and content mom? I see no reason to feel guilty there.

I have already written about how I realized that, as a parent, I can't really control everything my child does (or goes through). AT the age of 5, S developed Alopecia Areata. For days, even months and probably years, I tried to find reasons to blame myself. Maybe I didn't give her proper nutrition. Maybe I stressed her out with my discipline or over-scheduled her. Or, maybe, I gave her defective genes. Maybe my house was not clean enough or I was too anal about the cleanliness. ANYTHING that would give me a reason why my daughter was suffering from such an emotionally traumatic condition. Unfortunately, all the doctors we met slowly and methodically destructed all my reasons. Alopecia does not have a known cause, they told me. Then they proceeded to prove it with the umpteen tests they ordered - each test came back normal. Nothing was wrong with my child - except that she had lost 99% of her hair. 

Those were tough days. J and I would sweep up bags full of S' hair from the carpet,  and the vacuum would still clog up and whine in rage with the hair still left behind on the carpet. We painstakingly gathered all the hair that WAS left on S' scalp and tried to cover her head with it so the bald patches wouldn't show. We tried not to discuss how torn we were, in front of S. To her we presented an optimistic facade - that everything will be alright. That she will get all her hair back one day soon and this would be a nightmare left behind, never to be remembered again. She did get her hair back, but the nightmare hasn't been forgotten. She still gets bald patches here and there on her scalp but it isn't as bad either - we no longer fill bags after bags with her hair. 

It used to break my heart to see her try to cover a bald spot or to have her request me to fill out her missing eyebrow with an eyeliner. It is becoming easier to see her figure out ways to hide those bald spots and still look stunning. No that is not my mommy-pride speaking. Her self-confidence makes her shine. I know she still struggles internally with the condition. Still curses it. Hates the way her newly grown hair sticks out from between the rest of the hair. It is a constant battle between her hair and the gel she applies to keep the stray strands down. But I also see a strong woman emerging from within her. A girl who has gone through, and is still struggling with, Alopecia Areata. A girl who, just last year, had an allergic reaction so bad it would have had a grown man howling and is still struggling with the newly developed allergies that she didn't have before now, is now turning into a confident, still kind and loving (despite all the struggle) woman who makes her parents proud each and every moment of their lives. A girl whose teachers write emails to her parents singing praises of how she is the most loving and polite student they have ever met. A girl whose teachers/ school administrators stop me in the school office to joke how they wishe she would get at least one B grade because it just isn't possible for anyone to get all A's. (And I can't tell you how proud that makes me because she got those A's WHILE she was struggling with her severe allergic reactions and outbreaks). She has been the answer to my mommy-guilt. I see her and I see how she has turned out despite all the hardships she has faced, and I say to myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty for THAT!"




Edited to add: This post was considered a "notable entry" in the contest here.