Let go and move on. And shut up.

Today is October 4th. The day my father passed away 4 years ago. As the years pass by, I find it easier to deal with my loss but I still struggle on and around this day. I become cranky, withdrawn and introspective. I try to find a connection with my dad by doing a "havan" on the morning of October 4th, and by making his favorite food for dinner. I try not to miss him, his soft laugh and rough touch. I try to remember what he taught me and how much he loved me. I try to bring up a picture of him in my mind – that disarming smile, thick black/grey hair, broad forehead. Sometimes, instead, I see the image of him standing next to my mom, withered and tired – this was when he visited me for the first time after he had just recovered from a stroke. My mind wanders on to the painful fact that I listened to him and did not go to India when he was hospitalized for his surgery. I could at least have met him, touched him, and talked to him one last time. He told me to stay home because M needed me. That he will be fine and back home in no time. I was a fool to listen to him.

This is also the day when I feel the loneliest on the planet even though I have J with me and he stays home to do the havan with me. Human mind is such that it always craves the unattainable. That "unattainable" thing for me is a phone call from my family to let me know that they are thinking of me, even though I am so far from them, while they have all gotten together to pay homage to my dad. I call them on the evening of the 3rd, when it is already the morning of 4th at their end. They are usually getting ready to do a havan themselves - cleaning, getting ready, setting things up. We chat briefly and then hang up amidst promises of them calling me the next morning when it is the 4th at my end.

On the morning of the 4th, J and I get ready, clean out the place where we are going to do the havan (usually the garage because it has been raining on this day for the last three years), drop the girls off at school, come back and get everything ready - all the while keeping an ear open for the phone, hoping that it will ring sometime soon. That it will be my mother or brother calling to let me know that even though I might be physically alone, thousands of miles away from them, they are with me in thought and spirit. The call never comes. That is one thing I can count on – that I will never receive that one call on this particular day, when I need it the most. I must learn to cope on my own.

A few friends, to whom I vented about this, consoled me by saying they perhaps “freeze up” at the thought of making this call, it must hurt so much. I can understand that, and at the same time I don’t. I understand that it can hurt terribly, that their grief probably paralyzes them. But, I can’t understand why someone would not think of a loved one’s hurt and keep his (or her) own hurt aside for a few minutes. Can it be that difficult? If my daughter told me how it hurts that I don’t call her on the one day that she feels utterly lonely, I think I WOULD remember to call her from then on even if my own grief was killing me.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of it unnecessarily. I should count my blessings. My mom loves me dearly, and so does my brother. I have spent the entire day today reminding myself of this. If my mom didn't love me, she wouldn't close down her own home for 4 months to come live with me. If my brother didn't love me, his face wouldn't light up when we meet. People can love you and still be thoughtless sometimes. I have to learn to accept that. I should just let it go and move on. But moving on is such a hard thing to do! There should be an app for that.

Bragging rights!

The much eagerly awaited book written by a talented writer and a dear friend, Kiran Manral, is finally out and on the bookshelves. Go get it!! I get the bragging rights because I NOW KNOW A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!! I haven't been able to get my hands on the book yet but that will be soon rectified. In the meanwhile YOU get the book and tell me how you like it. Go on.

It is available on Flipkart here.

To learn more about the book, visit Kiran's website. 

To learn more about Kiran, visit her many blogs (start from here). This woman simply amazes me. Her drive, her determination is something I can only aspire to. 

Who says you can't go home?

Who says you can't go home? (God, I LOVE that song!!!)

I did. And I had a blast. Met friends and family. Got over a few grudges. Found peace of mind in a few matters. Got sick like a dying dog. Traveled. Learned a few things. Unlearned a few things.

One thing I learned is that "alone" doesn't quite mean alone. When I told people I was traveling alone, the next question out of their mouths used to be "With the kids?" Amazing!! People either don't listen or their idea of a woman traveling alone is that of a woman traveling alone (as in without her husband) with her kids. I am still trying to wrap my head around this.

Some people expressed worry at me leaving my kids "alone" - apparently having their own dad there with them does not count as able supervision. I am still trying to decide if I should take it as an insult over considering my husband incapable of taking care of his own children or just chalk it up to their ignorance. A few women expressed their envy at me being able to do it, and that made me feel sad for those who can not even consider this option, even if a family emergency were to arise.

I found that the two cities that I always visit on my trips to India - Jodhpur and Indore, were cleaner this time. Perhaps due to the government's ban on plastic bags. No more plastic waste, wrapped around all sorts of "other" waste flapping around on the streets. The traffic seemed saner in Indore too - but maybe that was only due to my own limited exposure to it. I was in the city for a mere 2.5 days.

I met a bunch of highschool classmates in Jodhpur. We had a 23-year reunion. 15 of us made it, 3 of us alone and the rest with families. It was wonderful to see how all of us have changed and grown and also to meet the spouses and kids. I particularly appreciated the spouses who made it to the reunion. J had one for his high school last year and if I could go (I couldn't - didn't have enough vacation time) I probably would have opted out. I am kinda shy and uncomfortable in gatherings where I don't know most of the people. That is really strange because I don't have problems making friends with strangers - I am just uncomfortable in gatherings.

I also benefited from the motherly hovering, caring and pampering that my mom bestowed on me :) This is exactly what I had been missing, and wishing for. The last few years haven't exactly been easy on me and I had been grappling with a lot of self-doubt and angst. This trip resolved a lot of that. Being with my mother eased some of the hurt that had crept in seeing her feel miserable and lonely in my home when she visited us last in 2010. She'd had to cut her visit short due to the loneliness and I took it as a personal failure, somehow. I just wish I could have spent more time with her in Jodhpur. She flew to Delhi to see me off back to US but I couldn't really spend much time with her that day as I was sick and spent most of the day sleeping. My youngest aunt came to Jodhpur to meet me as well, and so did my maternal uncle and aunt and one of their daughters with her son. I was moved that so many people considered it worth their time and effort to come meet me after traveling for hours.

Next stop was Hyderabad where I met The Ro, The Maggie, The Sue and The Dipali. The K and The EvesLungs were supposed to join us too but K cancelled early on during the planning phase due to some clashing family plans and EL had to change plans at the last minute. Both were tremendously missed. The 2 days that I spent in Hyderabad were wonderful despite the cough and the fever that I developed on my way there from Jodhpur. Ro and her husband, Jai, are awesome hosts. And don't believe Ro when she complains about her "brats" - I didn't see better behaved kids on my entire trip that took me through 5 cities and 7 airports (a couple of them multiple times).

I bought my anniversary gift from J in Hyderabad - two pearl sets! I didn't do much shopping - most of everything that I brought back from India was gifted to me. All I had to do was pay the extra baggage fee at EVERY. SINGLE. PORT!! But the new and improved me didn't mind the extra fee or the overweight baggage - instead I loved my friends and family for the love they showed me.

Next I visited my brother and his wife in Pune. 2.5 days again. 2.5 days full of rest, relaxation, shopping, chatting, laughing, arguing - something I hadn't done with them in a long, LONG time. This probably was the most memorable part of my trip - made me realize how much I had been missing my brother. He was my first "best friend" - someone I could share everything and anything with. I was glad to find out that things are still the same. We went out for coffee and I ended up spilling my emotions in front of him about a lot of things that had been bothering me for some time. And a few tears. He is still one of VERY FEW people I can cry in front of. He took it all like he always has - with patience and understanding like only a best friend could. Bonded with my sister in law over cups of tea and her reprimands to my brother about taking better care of me while I was visiting them :) She is another perfect hostess who makes sure you are comfortable in her home without making you feel awkward about the care being dispensed. And she has decorated her home beautifully!!

From Pune I went to Indore to visit my in-laws for 2.5 days. Turned out to be the best trip I have ever had to Indore. No pressure, easy conversations, fun and laughter. Lots of love from my nephew and niece. A lot of pampering from my brother in law and his wife. Some happy conversations with my father and mother in law. All in all, a happy trip. From there it was back to Delhi and then to US. I had been sick ever since I left Jodhpur but that did not stop me from enjoying myself. Towards the end though, my energy depleted and I almost crashed in Delhi. I managed to bring myself home despite an upset stomach, cough, fever and high blood pressure from all the travel related stress (and an inefficient medication - but more on that later).

So, you see, I did manage to go home and then come back to where my home is now.

Grief MUST be followed by joy

Just when I was trying to get over my pain, my friend Dottie, who is more like a sister, was working hard at bringing my much awaited nephew into this world :)

Chip #2, Dot's Bun, Bund(o)t (since Dot loves to bake) is here. Welcome little one! You have brought much joy to a bunch of women who were on pins and needles while you were making you way to this world. We love you, we send our blessings to you and we hope to meet you some day while you are still a squishy little bundle smelling of baby powder and milk (at least I do!).

You came on the day when I was wallowing deep in self-pity, grieving my dad and trying my best to shake off the blues. Your dad, my "best fraand", (Hey BigGeek!!) called me to give me the news and, suddenly, everything started falling right back in place.

I didn't realize it then, but you are my harbinger of spring.

WELCOME LITTLE ONE!!

Is there an app for that?

You ever been in a situation where grief just piled up inside you and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't find the release button? Where the frustration is so bad you want to cry, and a good cry is exactly what you need, but the tears just won't come?

I'm there.

Ma's birthday is coming up and such occasions just make me miss Pa with an intensity that won't fit any scales. I become a confused jumble of thoughts and emotions. That's where I am. Been trying hard to get away from it. I generally have a hard time crying. And I have a hard time crying in front of others. That has been the main problem so far - I can't find a quiet place to sit with my thoughts and have a good cry. Where does one go for that? Is there an app for that? Let me know.

A decision that I regret to this day

This is difficult to write about, but I think I must - for my own peace of mind. I need to get this load off my mind.

When my father passed away quite unexpectedly a little over two years ago, and I rushed to be by my mother 's side, a little thought loomed large in my mind. I wanted to be as much a part of my father's final rites as my brother would be. I wanted to go to the "shmashan", and not stay at home, like women are supposed to. I wanted to do what girls in our society are not allowed to, normally. I wanted to do at least that much for my dad. I knew I would face comments and resistance from outsiders but I was determined not to pay attention to them. I was determined I will be a part of my father's last rites.

People would have stopped me - but I don't care about them anyway. Their words wouldn't have mattered. My brother didn't mind. His wife, whom I came to love with all my heart during those days, encouraged me and promised me she would defend my right to do so if I wanted to do it. I don't know how my mother would have reacted, because I never asked her. I have a suspicion that my father might have frowned upon it because he was like that - he worried about "society" sometimes. Other family members might have tried to dissuade me from going, but they didn't matter. The only ones who mattered were my brother, his wife and my mother.

When the time came for the funeral procession to proceed, I copped out.

First I said I wanted to be by my mother's side for support. I really did mean it. My brother's wife said she would stay with my mom so I can go. Then I said I didn't want to go because I wouldn't be able to stand seeing my dad going up in flames. Somewhere in my heart, I also dreaded the confrontation that would ensue with all assorted friends and family telling me not to go. They were already trying to dictate what I should or shouldn't do. I was told not to touch anything in the kitchen because I "didn't belong to this family anymore". I was told not to touch the diya that would be lighted in front of my dad's picture in the evening. My sister-in-law stood fast by me and stubbornly had me do everything that I was told not to do. Her point? "No one can ever say that you are not a part of this family. You are as much a part of this family now as you were before you got married". It was then that I truly fell in love with that girl. But that is another post.

Where was I? Ah! Confrontation. Don't get me wrong - I didn't mind the confrontation. I just didn't want to create any more grief for my mother. I was afraid the confrontation would hurt her if she thought I was disrespecting my dad's wishes. My brother and his wife respected my wishes and didn't force me one way or another after that. These days I often wonder if I stayed back because I had a valid reason or because was a chicken. I can't decide. One regret that I do have is that I could have gone with my brother and been a support for him, and I lost that chance. He'd had a knee surgery just days before and could hardly walk, leave alone climb any stairs, which I believe he had to do that day. Our cousins went with him so he wasn't alone. But I still wonder if it would have made any difference for him if I had gone. 

I still regret that decision. It wasn't an earth shattering decision but every time I think about how I have defied the societal norms in many matters, I remember this one occasion when I bowed to them. But I am still confused over whether I should have gone or not. I didn't want to go just to make a point. I am beyond that stage in life where I would want to do something just because society doesn't approve or because I want to show people that women can do whatever they set their minds to. I know I can do whatever I set my mind to and that is enough for me - I don't need to demonstrate that to others.

I made the choice to not go because I had the choice. My brother didn't have a choice. THAT is what bothers me the most. I copped out because I had a choice but I should have sucked it up and been there for my brother who had no choice but to go through the heart wrenching moments on his own. I am sorry for that.

The hurt stays

The pain dulls

Eyes dry up

Your smile comes back,

and the dreams get easier

on your heart too.

You laugh again

and enjoy the festive times.

You forget the what-if's

and even forgive destiny

for taking him away so suddenly,

without giving you a chance to say goodbye.

 You remember him fondly

and recall the funny things he said or did.

You tell your daughters stories

of you and him.

You remember his gentle touch,

rough hands

and the  warm, soft hug,

even the sweet, serene voice.

You take contentment

from the fact that he didn't suffer.

You look at the survivors he left behind -

They seem to be doing fine.

The world is still the same.

People still go to work, children to school

They still eat, laugh, love and have fun.

They still throw parties,

go to the beach, fruit picking and

the movies.

But you have changed.

You might not be sad anymore, the tears have dried up

and the laughter returned.

But the hurt stayed,

and changed you forever.

My inspiration, my ideal...

...my mom.

I guess I have never told you so, Ma. I look up to you in everything I do. You showed me it was possible to hold down a job and still care for a family. You showed me a woman could DEMAND respect, and that she DESERVED it. You showed me a parent has to be more stubborn than their kids for the discipline to stick. You showed me one should do whatever they can, for family. You always told me to think from the other person's point of view before judging or arguing with them. You showed me strength in the face of adversity. You have shown me how to bounce back from the worst of tragedies. You taught me to keep my head during times of crises. Above everything else, you always made me feel that I had a safe haven in your arms, should things go wrong for me at any stage of life. I try to follow these examples you set for me through your (and mine) life and hope that, one day, I will be at least half the woman you are.

Happy Mother's day Ma!!

I still miss you,

I just don't talk so much about missing you any more. It has been 1 year, 5 months, a week and a day. It still hurts but the hurt is a part of me. I don't notice it most times.

I am watching "3 Idiots". I laugh at the jokes. Then I think how you would have loved the movie. I miss you.

I am taking a shower. I have the sniffles. I suddenly remember how you used to scold me for taking showers late at night and then falling sick. My tears blend with the water. I miss you.

I just spoke with a friend who just lost her mother. I am crying for her loss. Suddenly I remember MY loss - you. Now I am crying for my loss. I miss you.

I am entertaining guests at home. We are laughing and joking. Someone praises the rice pulao I have made and I remember how you used to make it much, much better. I miss you.

A friend is talking about the vacation she and her husband took with her parents. I remember how I had thought we would go on a tour of Europe together. I miss you.

I call Ma. My calls to her are twice as frequent and half as long. I miss you.

Another friend talks of her "Baba". I remember I had my "special" name for you - "Pa". Not papa. Not pappa. Pa. Nothing unique, but something I called you. I wish I could call you "Baba" - it sounds so much sweeter. I miss you.

I am driving home. I remember the pride with which I drove you and Ma around town when you both visited us for the first time. I miss you.

I am driving (again). I remember the first time you sat with me in your car while I was driving it. I was new at it. I remember how you didn't say a single discouraging word but clutched the door handle tight until we got home :) I miss you.

You know, Ma bought a new car. Sonu was there when she bought it and they both brought it home. On their way, they stopped at the temple. I know you would have too. Ma - the staunch Arya samaji, who never went to temples of her own accord. Not to worship anyway. Sonu, the staunch atheist. They went to the temple. They miss you too.

A true global integration

is when Indians celebrate Thanksgiving (an American Holiday) by getting together and eating Chinese food!

Yep - the menu for this year's Thanksgiving Dinner hosted by the Kays is:

Appetizers: Sweet corn soup, spring rolls.

Main Course: Veg Fried rice, Chow Mein, Veg Manchurian and Chili Paneer

Dessert: Cheesecake

Happy Thanksgiving all!!

I still miss you...

It's been a year, but is there a limit on mourning? Or a way of doing it? I have been quite easy on the mourning rituals. Celebrated some occasions (S' birthday, J's 40th birthday, M's birthday) and didn't celebrate others. I went with what my gut told me - if I felt sad upon thinking of celebrating an occasion, I didn't. Mostly because it was connected to you somehow. Like Diwali and Holi. You enjoyed celebrating them. I didn't feel like celebrating them with you gone. Even now, when the year is up, I am ambiguous about celebrating them. They probably won't be the same now. When you were alive, even with you thousands of miles away, festivals felt like festivals. I have often wondered how, when a loved one leaves us, the whole world seems empty. It didn't matter that you lived thousands of miles away and I got to see you only once every two years. You were here. Now you aren't. And the world seems empty.

On the positive side, I am not so afraid of dying anymore. I believe I will meet you when I do. And any place that you are in, couldn't be scary, right?? So I am not afraid of the other side any more.

I miss you.

This is for you, bro!

I am SO VERY proud of you!

With friends like this...

I got the much needed haircut this past weekend (yay!!!) I go all the way to New Jersey to get the darned haircut. I told GND my plans for the weekend in an email exchange on Friday. She asked me not to tell her if I decide to eat at Khaasiyat or Saravana Bhavan while I am in NJ. I did eat at Saravana Bhavan. Idli, Dosa and yummy Philter Kaapi. Well, since I am such a considerate friend, I won't tell her. 

I'll blog about it here instead.

And leave her a link.

Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!

Of respect in relationships: Friendship

S has been having some problems with a friend of hers. Some time ago I would have said they are "good" friends but lately I have been questioning that. The said "friend" (lets call her A) tries to boss S around and when she stands up for herself (a relatively new skill for which I am very proud of her), A gets nasty and says hurtful things to S. She also says hurtful and untrue things about S behind her back to other girls. When S steps back from the friendship A apologizes, is nice for a few days (or hours) and then the cycle repeats. S is also getting tired of this routine. I have been trying my best not to dictate what S should do - or what I think S should do, which is to sever all ties with this girl. One day she is all determined to cut the friendship off when she is smarting from the latest insult A has thrown at her, the next day she is feeling sorry for A because she doesn't have any friends. This girl is so obnoxious that she really doesn't have too many friends. And the girls (and boys) who ARE friends with her are subject to the same treatement and are wary of her. One girl's mother has forbidden all contact between the two girls which is feasible for her since the two girls are not in the same class and are going to be in different middle schools next year.

All this while I have been coaching S in what to say and how to stand up for herself without being nasty in return. Now, I have had friends disagree with me on this but I sincerely believe if S can learn the skills to stand up for herself without being nasty or mean, it would be for her own good. She will need those skills when she goes out in the big bad world - where she will definitely need to work with all sorts of people. A little diplomacy in expressing her feelings will go a long way for S then - that is what I feel. I certainly don't want her to be all nice and sweet in all situations - I just want her to resort to nastiness as a last option. I want her to have a backbone and claws but I also want her to keep her claws sheathed until it is absolutely necessary to go on a full frontal attack.

I have had a good friend also disagree with me on whether I should force S to break her friendship with A. I say no, she says yes and she has already told her daughter not to keep any contact with A. She says, as a mom, it is her responsibility to protect her daughter from such "friends" and to make sure she (the daughter) doesn't unnecessarily go through the heartbreak of being in an abusive friendship. I respect her opinion, and respectfully disagree with her too. I feel these are life's little opportunities for S to learn how to stand up for herself and how to work at creating healthy relationships. ALL relationships need hard work. No relationship can survive if the people involved are not putting in a sincere effort. And, in all healthy relationships, respect flows both ways. It should and if it isn't, I would term that relationship as deficient, if not outright abusive. I also feel S should learn when and how to end a relationship. It is a hard thing to learn. I haven't been able to do that yet. I sometimes wonder if it is unreasonable of me to expect a 10 year old to learn what I haven't been able to, in 38+ years. But I believe by giving her an early start, and full understanding and support, I am giving her the chance I never got at learning this.

There is no point behind this post of mine. I am just trying to sort my thoughts on this. A's mom has become a good friend and has helped me a lot on many occasions. I have thought about talking to her about A's behavior towards S but have decided against it for a few reasons.

1. I am a complete chicken.

2. I want S to resolve this on her own, one way or the other. I do not want to step in because I see her learning to deal with such sticky situations herself and I also see her confidence growing.

3. How do you go to a good friend and say "I am sorry but your daughter is obnoxious!!"?

MY concern is how to let S distance herself from A without distancing myself from A's mom? Why am I worried about this friendship? Because I have learnt that children may fight like cats and dogs one day but get along fabulously on another day. And that children grow and change. So I hope A will change a little, or that S will learn how to maintain this friendship without getting bulldozed by A. I do admire many qualities of A's and do feel that both girls can benefit from each other. Also, I believe it is easier to break a relationship than to keep it going and super-difficult to mend it after breaking it. So one should break a relationship if, and only if, one is a 110% sure about doing it.

I have had some friendships that have taken a long time in developing and some are still a little shaky. But I still keep giving them "some more time". Not because I am an undecisive fool, but because I believe a beautiful, life-long friendship could emerge out of these relationships if they get enough time and effort. But I am also strong enough now to not let these relationships hurt me if they don't go the right way. I think I am capable of breaking ties if someone seriously hurts me. In fact, I think I always keep a thin shell aorund me to protect myself from any potential hurts. Just prior experience which resulted into this habit.

One thing that I have noticed is lack of respect in some friendships. Even in adult friendships. People take their friends for granted. Expect favors, but don't return them. Are rude because they CAN. Or under the guise of being their friend's well-wisher. The biggest issue I have seen is lack of appreciation. If someone does something for you, you just shrug it off saying "Oh, I would have done the same thing for him/her".

My father's death has made me take a deeper look within myself for many reasons. One of the reasons was HIS friendships and relationshsips. He, and my mom, have a huge social circle. Pa used to remember everyone's anniversaries, birthdays and other small things like their kids' likes and dislikes. He would email or call people on every little occasion. He was our link to the rest of the family. And because of him, we had so much support after he was gone. In the days after his funeral, I and my brother were surrounded by at least 12 first cousins. They were there because Pa kept everyone in our lives. Ma has played a part in all this too - all my life I have seen my parents house some kid or other while they study in some college/school in Jodhpur. Ma loved feeding people. If friends visited us at lunch or dinner time, they were treated to a sumptuous meal - no matter how last minute their arrival was. Together, Ma and Pa have built such a strong support-net for us. I hope I can leave a similar net for my kids one day. And I believe the first step to that is respecting my friends for what they do for me, and how they love and care for me. At the same time I will remember that I deserve the same respect from them and if I don't get it then maybe it is time to trim that part of my friendship tree.

I am a big girl now

In April '08, I flew to India for my mom's retirement party. All alone. No husband to chaperon me, no children to be chaperoned. A cousin arranged a taxi for me to go to Jaipur (from New Delhi), from where I caught a train to Jodhpur. I had never travelled alone in India so this was a big deal for me. I thought I had finally "grown up". I was a Big girl. It seems I was wrong. Turns out one becomes a Big Girl, or a Big Boy, within moments when one loses a parent.

So, I grew up and became a Big Girl on October 4th, 2008. 11:45 pm IST. Pa was in a hospital (one of the best in the region, by the way), awaiting a bypass surgery which was scheduled for Monday, October 6th, when he experienced a massive heart attack. He was taken to the ICU within three minutes, but nothing could save him. Even in his last moments, he did what he had been doing all his life - worried about his wife, my mother. He told the doctors "Meri wife ka dhyaan rakhna, wo bahut jaldi ghabra jaati hain" [take care of my wife, she gets scared easily] And then he left. Just like that.

He experienced angina pains one morning when he was out on his daily walk. He got chest pains, started sweating and then got nauseous. He rested on a bench for a bit and then walked to a nearby nursing home. There, the doctors administered an ECG and determined he was having angina pains. They had someone drop him off at home with the instructions to rest and see a cardiologist as soon as possible. When he saw one, he was advised to get an angiography done for which he and Ma decided to go to Jaipur. We were all hoping that it would turn out be some minor blockage that could be treated/controlled with medication. But against all hopes, it turned out that he had 90% blockage in three arteries. Bypass surgery was required and one was scheduled as soon as enough blood of his blood group (A-) was secured. This was on Saturday evening. Soon after that he suffered the heart attack.

He was in the hospital (in Jaipur) for 4 days. I spoke to him multiple times every day. Even during all this health scare he was his usual jocular self - he told J that all this was his ploy to get Ma to part with the money she received upon retiring. He told Ma that he was having all the heart trouble due to the stress that was caused by Ma constantly breaking all his records in Mahjong. On the morning of October 4th, he told me he was surprised how much food the hospital gave him - which meant he must have been eating very little earlier (he did lose a few kgs in 15 days).

It is beginning to sink in that I will never see him again. I still remember how his big, rough hands made me feel like a little girl. Even at the age of 38. His awkward hugs made my heart melt. That won't happen again. I will never again hear a message from him saying "Haan Cee, mai bol raha hu.....". I will not hear a "Happy Birthday" or a "Happy New Year" from him ever again. What a price to pay for growing up!!

Grief

It has many faces.

It can be constant crying - punctuated by brief hiccups...

It can be a wail - heart rending, twisting the gut into a tangled ball...

It can be a silence - wrapping one's soul, blocking all external stimuli from coming in...

It can even be hope - that the loved one you have lost is in a better place, maybe reunited with the long-lost mother he never knew and his one and only pet whom he loved just as much as, and sometimes more than, his own daughter...

It can be an ache - that you will never see him again. Or hear him. Or receive emails and birthday e-cards. Or touch him...

It can be a fear - that you will forget him, the sound of his voice, his laugh, his touch...

It can be dry eyes - because you just don't know how to release all those emotions...

It can be a comfort - to know that he didn't suffer. He went just as he had always lived. With dignity...

It can be a puzzle - did he think about you in his final moments? (Yes, I know. A very selfish thought)...

It can be a heartbreak - that you could not do anything even though you COULD have. After all, your blood group was the same as his. He needn't have waited one whole stupid day...

It can be a LOT of memories - of your childhood, of learning from him, of laughing with him, or AT him...

It can be a lesson - to live like he did, love like he did...

It can be a role reversal - comforting others who come from far away to pay their respects...

It can be overwhelming.

I lost my dad, very unexpectedly, on October 4th this year. It is beginning to sink in. And it hurts. A LOT.

What's a few barbs between friends, right?

OK, now I feel like a top order meanie for ranting about my friend's comment regarding my weight :(

I received a reply from her today -

Oops! Look like maine Cee ma’m ka dil dukha diya! Since I saw your picture after M and u were looking terrific the way u used to look in college, I forgot about impact of IVFs,etc. But you are right. Hairs could be a big reason. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve succeeded to reduce my 4 month pregnant tummy to 2 months. I’m working on it to bring it back to size before I had kids but itne samay me jo boya hai usko katne me mahanat+time dono lagta hai. Response is very slow par I’ll keep trying. Umeed par hi to duniya tiki hai!!!!(Wah.Wah!!). My god this juggling is painful. Looks like entire life will go like this. Chalo have some energy and do your best.

This is what I wrote in reply -

Ah! Frankly? I did feel a little bad that you assumed I am doing nothing about my weight. And yes, the IVF was a real bi**h. Went through a whole lot to get this bundle of joy :P I am scared sh**less of needles. And I had to poke myself FOUR times each day for two-three weeks for each IVF cycle. The first time I did it, I broke down and cried - I was so scared :( I developed all sorts of health problems due to the medication too - PUPP, high blood pressure, depression etc. due to all the progesterone and estrogen etc. I am glad the second cycle was successful because I had made the decision to stop the treatment if the second cycle failed.

I have joined a fitness boot camp that has classes three days a week from 5:30 - 6:30 am. And I have replaced one meal with a HUGE salad :P Since I hate salads (for meals, not as side dishes) with all my might, that is something I am immensely proud of :)

I am at a point where I am not happy with my weight but not ashamed of it either. I don't suck in my belly before walking into a room full of people. It is what it is and I know I am working on it. J is a sweetheart and a huge help. He encourages without pressurizing - and that is what works for me. If he had pressurized me, one of us would be dead :D

I am growing my hair so I can donate it to an organization that makes wigs for kids who lose their hair to different medical conditions. For that I need to grow it to about 14 inches. It is about 6 inches long right now. So I have quite a bit of torture in store for me. If you remember, I hate long hair (on me). This idea came because S had lost almost all her hair to Alopecia Areata, but regained it luckily with homeopathy treatment. This is my way of saying thanks for the regained hair.

I am sorry for the "what's your excuse" barb. I know we have such a big struggle ahead of us - all the juggling between work and home and husbands and kids and then we are supposed to keep ourselves healthy too? Can't that come as a reward or something for doing so much?

So that is where we stand now. She is a college time friend and a really good one at that. Maybe I should have shown more understanding and patience? I am confused - I do think I am entitled to these frustrated feelings and I am also a bit ashamed for the knee-jerk reaction. OK - maybe I will find something else to jerk my knee about :) I read this article at Babble.....

Of gracious hosts and such

I recently went to India for a VERY short trip. 6 days, including 4 days of transit time. The purpose was to surprise my parents for my mother's retirement party. I had told them I couldn't make it as I didn't want to bring the kids along in such heat and leaving them behind would be impossible. It turned out that leaving the kids behind was not all that impossible - J volunteered to take care of them while I visited my parents. So off I went after some hectic planning and involving many nice people to help me in this project. Another post on that later. For now, I just want to thank MadMomma and the OA for their hospitality. MM made space for me in her calendar on a WEEKNIGHT, picked me up from the airport, fed me good food, gave me a very stimulating company, even let the maids take care of the Brat and the Bean so she could keep me company. The gracious OA gave us company occasionally, joined us for dinner and then he and MM drove me to the airport. On our way there, we lost the way and had to stop and ask for directions (due to the darn construction and no detour signs). Poor OA was more worried than I was, of missing the flight. But they did drop me off in time and I had no problems at all boarding my flight.

The kids. What can I write about the kids that everyone doesn't already know? :) They are the sweetest kids I have ever seen. Bean came so willingly into my arms, I was taken aback. She doesn't see the monster in me that most babies see?? And the Brat was cute beyond words! MM, I am not big on words, but please know that if I knew how to use them, I would sing praises of your entire family for ages to come!

Thank you MM and OA, for your gracious hospitality, stimulating conversations, bhookhe ko bhojan and everything else you did to make me feel comfortable. I know I have made friends for life.

Belated Happy Birthday, Ma!

It was my mom's birthday on April 15th. I am sharing a song here that used to be her favorite while I was growing up. She would ask me to sing it over and over.

Happy Birthday Ma! You know that this song comes straight from my heart, right?

'Coz love isn't bound by special days

I was saving this post for Father's Day. I wanted to write it last year for Father's day and then for my father's birthday, but was extremely busy with a new baby. I am now sorry that I waited for a "special" day instead of just writing what I felt, when I felt it. Now I am rectifying that mistake. So, here's to you dad!

You have been the guiding light in my life. I have learnt life's many lessons from you. I am the person I am today, because of you (and Ma). I am the parent I am todaye, because of you (and Ma). And I hold dear the values that I do today, because of you (and of course, Ma!) Not a day goes by when I don't remember something you taught or said to me. My daughters have you to thank for a mom who yells less and less each day. You don't remember, do you?

It was when S was little - barely a year old. You had seen how I sometimes got impatient with her. You never criticized me but sent me a gentle email recounting your own experiences as a parent. In that email you told me how you sometimes felt bad for the times when you yelled at me or my brother when we were little. You told me how that guilt never leaves one alone. And you urged me to be more patient with S for her sake, and for mine as well. Because you knew the guilt WILL strike one day. I didn't implement on your advice right away, but it set me thinking. And slowly, over the years, I have been trying to improve myself. I try to yell less and understand more. I try to be patient. The turning point came a few years ago when I suddenly realized that in the 35 years of my life, you hadn't shouted at me ONCE. Or hit me, for that matter. Of course, you told me and Ma tells me that you yelled at me when I was little but I have no recollection of it. And that made me realize what S was missing out on. A peaceful childhood. One free of all yelling. THAT made me want to change. I wanted to give my daughter the same childhood I'd had - free of yelling and free of any hitting. You'll be glad to know Pa, that I am trying my hardest to change. I have changed a lot. I do yell sometimes. But it has gotten more infrequent. And if and when I do yell, I apologize to S.

That's another thing I learnt from you. Accepting one's mistakes and taking responsibility for it. It has made me a better person. It has kept my conscience guilt-free. I recently made a mistake at work. I could have easily blamed it on someone else but my conscience didn't allow me to. So, I accepted it and apologized for it. That, I believe, makes me trustworthy in other people's eyes. I don't hesitate in saying sorry to S, or to J (well, you know, not so easily to J but that is another matter :P). I remember many times in my childhood when you would accept that you were wrong and say sorry for that. Easily. Without any ego. Over time I realized not all parents do that. Many parents wouldn't accept their mistake, leave alone saying sorry for that. For many parents, just the fact that they are parents, means they are infallible. For them, parents are always right and it is always the children's fault. Not in our family. Do you know it made me a better person? It did.

Another thing you taught me was to learn from my mistakes. That is a hard lesson to learn Pa, but from you it came effortlessly. Remember that time when I scored a mere 1.5 out of 20 in a class test in Math? You could have ranted and raved, yelled, taken away privileges, even sent me to bed without food. After all, no one in our family had failed so miserably before. But you did none of that. Instead, you sat down with me and went over each question discussing how to solve it and telling me not to repeat that mistake again. It is another matter that, in doing so, we came upon a question that was correct and had not been checked and I ended up with 12 (or 15 - I don't remember) marks out of 20 eventually. What I learned that day was no matter how much you screw up, you can always start afresh and get better by not making the same mistake twice. I try to teach my daughters the same thing. I also vaguely remember that once, when I was in fifth grade I hid my report card because I had failed General Knowledge (that subject, and the way it was taught, never did interest me). You found the report card when you came home. I don't remember how you reacted but I do remember that you were very hurt. That taught me not to do it again. I didn't learn it right then, as I continued to hide random things from you but eventually I did realize that it is easier on my conscience if I don't hide things from you and Ma.

When I was in 9th grade, I mentioned to a friend's dad how we (my brother and I) had fooled you on April Fool's day. He replied he wouldn't stand that kind of behavior from his kids. I was surprised because you had laughed when we did that. This kind of attitude was new to me. And then it struck me - not everyone knows how to laugh at themselves. You do. And it is a very endearing quality. It makes you more loveable. I learnt that from you too - being able to laugh at myself. I am losing that and need to work more on that, and I think I can do that. It is one more thing I want my daughter's to experience.

These are just a few examples of how you have made my life richer. I could go on and on. I have lived almost 38 years after all, and lived 22 of those with you. My life is full of lessons learnt from you (and Ma). I know I am blessed for it. You know you and I butt heads over the smallest of things even now, and that amazes me. I mean, I could never tolerate that from my daughters. But you do and it is not because you are a weak parent. You are tough when the occasion demands it. But you also knew when to let us go, when to give us wings. All my life, I have deeply appreciated the fact that you and Ma never imposed your wish on me or my brother the way many other parents do. Yes, you restricted us from doing many things because you were trying to do what was best for us. But when it came to life's big decisions, you let us decide for ourselves, and you stood by us. We are stronger and more secure in our worlds because of that.

I remember all the sacrifices you made for us too. You had to struggle a lot in life, I know that. But you never let us see even an iota of tough times. You planned everything so well that my brother and I never had to worry about the cost of our studies. I now realize what a blessing it was to be able to study without having to worry about the tuition. I remember how you bought my brother a jacket (which he needed) by cancelling your plans to buy shoes for yourself. We could only afford one and you put his needs before your own without making him feel guilty. I remember how, when I came back after doing my Master's, you gave me your scooter so I could go to work. You rode the bicycle to work every day. You, an Assistant Director in the Board of Technical Education, Rajasthan at that time.

There are so many memories that I could go on and on without ever stopping. Maybe, I'll write another post. And another. Or a book. Because there is no way I can fit all that in one measly post!

Dear Pa, I am sorry for all the trouble and lip I gave you all these years. But I want you to know that I feel blessed to have a father like you.