Use your words

Note: I wrote this post just before I got laid off, and in the excitement (?? :D) of losing my job I forgot to put it up. I debated whether I should put it up now, after more than a month, and decided that I do want to. Even though things are a little different now, this is how I sometimes feel. So here goes...

This is what I say about my husband to friends, family and to J himself:

• He is a loving and responsible father and husband.
• He is my pillar of support. I know I can fall back on him, any day any time.
• He pitches in equally (sometimes more than that) with the kids and other responsibilities around the house.
• He is generous.
• He does not spend on himself even for things we can easily afford.
• He respects me.
• He puts family first.
• He is not at all selfish.

This is what J says about me:

• .......................................

And so it has been for the past 12 and a half years. Now, the wise and sane among you will say (and have said so in the past) that as long as he shows, with his actions, his appreciation, I should not mind. Well, I tried. But I still mind.Why is it so hard for him to give me what I have been asking for? Pleading for? When he KNOWS what I crave? And when I give it to him freely?

I'll tell you what this lack of appreciation has done to me. It has eaten away at my self-esteem, my sense of "worthiness" for my family. I have begun believing that I don't do anything for the family in comparison to what HE does. He brings in the bigger paycheck that pays for all our bills, mortgage, necessities. He loves us girls unconditionally. He carries his responsibilities to his family (us) steadfastly. He doesn't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm his family. He picks up the girls from school/daycare/camp. Takes S to her doctors' appointments.

What do I do? I don't pick up the girls. I don't take S to her doctors' appointments, though I do take M to hers. I bring in a minuscule amount of money that can't even pay for one month's expenses+mortgage. That is how I feel.

I sat down last night to reflect on it. And I realized what I do for our family/us.

• I love my family more than I love myself.
• I put my family's welfare/well being before mine.
• I honor the family budget. I have credit cards and J never questions me on any expenses. I have the freedom to spend. But I don't. J tried to turn this argument around by saying - I have never stopped you from... Well, THAT is not the point here. The point is that I DON't even though I have the means and opportunities to. THAT should count for something, yes?
• Yes, I have expensive tastes. And that is why I don't buy the things on my list of "I want" items. I am willing to wait until we have that kind of money. And if that never happens, it is fine with me too. Here also, J said "I have never said no to buying those things..." Zat is not ze point dear. Ze point is, I show restraint so our family doesn't suffer financial distress. Again, THAT should count for something. Right? Right!
• I make sure my family gets nutritious meals. At the same time I, again, take care of the budget by cooking at home.
• I love him and the girls unconditionally.
• I carry my responsibilities to our family steadfastly.
• I don't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm our family.
• I drop the girls off at school/daycare/camp.
• I take M to her doctors' appointments.

So you see, I am not completely useless in this family. I do carry some responsibilities sincerely.

This is what I told J the last time we argued over this. How this lack of appreciation is making me doubt my worth. It is dragging my morale down. The whole world sees and comments on how involved a parent he is. His mom commented how he was the best husband I could have ever hoped to find because he gifted me exactly what I wanted for my birthday. My parents commented how great he was to have agreed to take care of the girls while I paid a surprise visit to them for my mom's retirement. Coworkers and friends raise their eyebrows and exclaim "How nice!!" when I tell them how much he helps me and how there is nothing, that I do for the girls, that he can't do. I am not contesting any of these praises. I am the first one to accept that I hit a goldmine when I married him. My issue is not with the praise and accolades that he gets. I'd be the first one to tell you that he deserves all of it twice over.

My issue is with the praise I don't get from him or his parents or our friends. And frankly, I don't care about praise from friends and family. All I care about is appreciation from HIM. Because in absence of it, I am left wondering if he thinks I am slacking off, or that I am not pulling my weight in this relationship or if he even notices what I do around here.

A field trip and a few questions

Warning: A jumbled post ahead. Read at the risk of getting a migraine!

S went on a Team building field trip with her class this Monday to the YMCA in a town about 27 miles from here. Parents volunteered to drive the kids to and from there. Most field trips are like that - parents volunteer to chaperon or drive. I got laid off from my job last month so I grabbed this opportunity to go on a field trip with my daughter and get to see her classmates, to see how she interacts with them and to generally be with her.

There were two instructors who led the entire class through some fun games and activities that also help build team spirit. First they played a modified version of tag, then were given a "puzzle" which they solved by brainstorming together. All the while the instructors were driving home the point that things get easier when you work as a team, and that working as a team also means listening to your team. A very important lesson for 9 and 10 year old kids, believe me. Heck, an important lesson for many adults I know.

Then they were led into the woods on the YMCA property for more activities. One was rock climbing. They had a 45 feet tall wall made for rock climbing. The kids were told they will each get one chance to climb it but they had the "right to pass". S' school has this concept of "right to pass" where any child can take a pass on any activity if they don't feel comfortable doing it. I think it is a good idea because it prevents hurt self-esteems of kids who are forced to do something and fail, and it reduces teasing to a great extent. Everyone knows that all kids have the right to pass, so no one gets teased for opting out of an activity. Also, those who try and fail feel better that they at least tried.

Most of the kids tried, one opted to pass. Then when he saw how much fun it was to be swung down on a rope, he decided to give it a try too. The first kid climbed the ladder (the base of the wall was about 10 feet above ground and they had to use a ladder to get there) and as soon as he grabbed the first rock, he got scared and wanted to come down. No big deal, as these were just 10 year old kids. S went next and she decided she couldn't proceed after climbing 2 or 3 rocks. Down she came. Then the 3rd or 4th kid climbed the wall all the way to top and rang the bell. After that two girls scaled the entire wall. And there were a few other kids from the second group who did it too. The most interesting part of the wall climbing exercise was the reaction of the first boy's (let's call him R) dad, Mr. G. When the first girl climbed the wall to the top, he said out loud "Are you boys going to let a girl beat you?"

Later we proceeded to another activity where there were 5 tyres hanging from a rope tied between two tall trees. The tyres hung at different heights and the challenge was to move from one tyre to the other without touching the ground. If someone got stuck their teammates helped out by swinging into them to push them towards the next tyre. The first kid to reach the last tyre held on to the second-last tyre so they could swing it out to the next person. If someone touched the ground, they started all over again. R couldn't manage to do this one either and he really didn't mind. He was busy having fun, which WAS the ultimate goal. N, the girl who had scaled the wall, did this one fairly easily too. So Mr. G started pushing his son to do it because he couldn't "let a girl win". He was encouraging the girls and complimenting them on the accomplishments too, but he also kept saying "are you going to let a girl beat you?" all the time. I guess he thought he was providing a challenge and encouragement to the boys. He even got upset at his son because his son "is a boy scout and should be able to do such activities easily". The son, at one point, got upset at him for which I really don't blame him. When this had been going on for about 15-20 minutes, one boy turned to Mr. G (right after one of his "Are you gonna let a girl beat you?" remarks) and said "Mr. G, ever heard of being a gentleman?" to which Mr. G replied an enthusiastic "Of course!" The boy turned back and muttered loud enough for all of us to hear "Of course you have!". I gave him a mental high-five. Mr. G went strangely quiet after that, though he still did make sure that his son completed that activity at least ONE time.

What IS it with over-competitive parents? Can't they let their kids be? Just once let them enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination? Someone told me about a mom who was asking another parent about a technology magnet middle school in a nearby town. One of her questions? "How many kids from this school make it to Harvard and MIT?" I mean, come on! You are talking about middle school students. Give them an ambition by all means, but don't go around with a rigid yardstick for measuring success. S is very good at math. She is doing junior high algebra at KUMON while the rest of her class is still struggling with double digit multiplication and long division. While I would like for her to go into technology field (the sole reason being J and I understand technology better than we understand anything else and I know she has a similar aptitude), she has expressed interest in becoming a vet. I know at this age ambitions are not permanent. They can change a million times before they arrive at the point where they actually have to choose a career. But I would never even dream of telling S that one career could be better over something of her choice. Yes, I would like to give her facts, and maybe ask her to weigh her decision carefully (when she is old enough to make such decisions) but I would NEVER tell her what she should do. Then sometimes I think maybe I am doing this all wrong? Maybe I should push her, force her, tell her, impose my wishes a little more on her? I dunno. I sincerely hope I am doing the right thing.

Another thing that struck me at the field trip was the other extreme of this "make every kid feel valued" movement. Know how "all kids are special"? Which translates to "losers are as successful as winner because... well, because ALL of us are special". What IS it with this killing of the competitive spirit? A little, healthy competition can be very good for kids. They learn a lot of things from it - sportsman spirit, the drive to succeed, how to be a graceful loser. When the first kid scaled the climbing wall, S' teacher declared every kid who reached the top of that wall will receive five "school dollars". In S' school, kids receive these fake dollars for good behavior or a good academic performance etc. They can save these dollars and buy anything from the school store (that carries donated, but new, items or things like homework passes etc.) When the teacher declared the award, one kid immediately piped up - "It isn't fair to kids who can't get to the top". That really amused me and also made me a little sad and concerned. We have made our kids so politically correct that they have forgotten (or maybe never learnt) that good performance is awarded with rewards while a less-than-good performance doesn't get anything. That, to get a reward, you need to put in little more effort. It IS sad, isn't it? What also bothered me was that the teacher didn't grab that opportunity to discuss this with the kid(s).

Today I went to S' school to meet with the teacher who runs the Academically Talented (AT) program. A child needs to be placed in "Advanced" level for reading and writing to be recommended for AT. S missed the advanced level in writing by just 5 points (a small margin) and in reading by 15 points (a bigger one). So I know she cannot be recommended for the program, and she understands that too. And frankly, I am not very concerned about it either. In my opinion, the AT program does give them an opportunity to do many interesting things but it doesn't make or break anything for them academically. I just wanted to understand the procedure and requirements for being placed in advance placement classes in middle or high school. During my conversation with the teacher, she mentioned that I can tell S that apart from her actual performance, there are many other "stupid" factors that decide whether a student can be in AT or not. She meant to say - your daughter's lower-than-required score is not her fault. Well, I disagreed with her. My daughter's scores - good or bad - ARE a result of her efforts. Just like she won't credit someone else for a good score, she can't blame someone else for a bad one either.

I have seen and heard of parents covering for their kids bad performances in tests. Moms call professors in their kids' college to "talk" about their scores. I don't know - if my parents ever did that, I would have disowned them for humiliating me so completely. Parents hover over their kids while they do their homework, write their reports for them. This might be considered "good parenting" but I am sure the college professors won't be receiving a phone call from this mom. If my daughter didn't study for an exam, she WILL face the consequences. When will we let our kids take the responsibility for their actions and face the music? The sooner we do that in their lives, the better it is for them. This lesson learnt early in life means there are less costly mistakes further down the line. When will the parents understand that?