Let go and move on. And shut up.

Today is October 4th. The day my father passed away 4 years ago. As the years pass by, I find it easier to deal with my loss but I still struggle on and around this day. I become cranky, withdrawn and introspective. I try to find a connection with my dad by doing a "havan" on the morning of October 4th, and by making his favorite food for dinner. I try not to miss him, his soft laugh and rough touch. I try to remember what he taught me and how much he loved me. I try to bring up a picture of him in my mind – that disarming smile, thick black/grey hair, broad forehead. Sometimes, instead, I see the image of him standing next to my mom, withered and tired – this was when he visited me for the first time after he had just recovered from a stroke. My mind wanders on to the painful fact that I listened to him and did not go to India when he was hospitalized for his surgery. I could at least have met him, touched him, and talked to him one last time. He told me to stay home because M needed me. That he will be fine and back home in no time. I was a fool to listen to him.

This is also the day when I feel the loneliest on the planet even though I have J with me and he stays home to do the havan with me. Human mind is such that it always craves the unattainable. That "unattainable" thing for me is a phone call from my family to let me know that they are thinking of me, even though I am so far from them, while they have all gotten together to pay homage to my dad. I call them on the evening of the 3rd, when it is already the morning of 4th at their end. They are usually getting ready to do a havan themselves - cleaning, getting ready, setting things up. We chat briefly and then hang up amidst promises of them calling me the next morning when it is the 4th at my end.

On the morning of the 4th, J and I get ready, clean out the place where we are going to do the havan (usually the garage because it has been raining on this day for the last three years), drop the girls off at school, come back and get everything ready - all the while keeping an ear open for the phone, hoping that it will ring sometime soon. That it will be my mother or brother calling to let me know that even though I might be physically alone, thousands of miles away from them, they are with me in thought and spirit. The call never comes. That is one thing I can count on – that I will never receive that one call on this particular day, when I need it the most. I must learn to cope on my own.

A few friends, to whom I vented about this, consoled me by saying they perhaps “freeze up” at the thought of making this call, it must hurt so much. I can understand that, and at the same time I don’t. I understand that it can hurt terribly, that their grief probably paralyzes them. But, I can’t understand why someone would not think of a loved one’s hurt and keep his (or her) own hurt aside for a few minutes. Can it be that difficult? If my daughter told me how it hurts that I don’t call her on the one day that she feels utterly lonely, I think I WOULD remember to call her from then on even if my own grief was killing me.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of it unnecessarily. I should count my blessings. My mom loves me dearly, and so does my brother. I have spent the entire day today reminding myself of this. If my mom didn't love me, she wouldn't close down her own home for 4 months to come live with me. If my brother didn't love me, his face wouldn't light up when we meet. People can love you and still be thoughtless sometimes. I have to learn to accept that. I should just let it go and move on. But moving on is such a hard thing to do! There should be an app for that.

Cheating in relationships

At what point, do you think, cheating starts? Suppose you meet someone and you begin liking him/her. You slowly become good friends. You begin liking the person quite a lot, then start flirting with him/her, then start fantasizing about him/her. Maybe one thing leads to another, you kiss each other and one day you end up in bed with him/her. In all this, when would you say you actually start cheating on your spouse/ significant other? When you started flirting? Fantasizing? Or when you actually kissed or slept with this person?

I was of the opinion that it is cheating if you even cheat in thought. But when I had a conversation about this with my brother, he said all a man would care about is if you kissed or slept with another man. Which is rather simple and leaves a lot of room for flirting :) Today, while watching a TV program, J said something similar. In the TV program, a woman's (let's call her K) boyfriend tells her he had been with another woman in their apartment and almost slept with her but in the end didn't do so because he couldn't bear the thought of not having K in his life. K, at this point, storms off saying he should have thought about it before cheating on her. J immediately said "But he didn't cheat on her!!" while I was thinking "Really? Didn't he?"

Is this really a Mars vs. Venus case? Or is this a case of just different opinions, not necessarily defined or stereotyped by gender? Am I revealing that I I have been living under a rock so far and only crawled out from under it yesterday? What do you think? Would you believe that you cheated as soon as the first fantasy about the other person entered your head? Or would you think it isn't cheating unless you slept with him/her? What if it were your spouse/ significant other flirting/ fantasizing/ kissing/ sleeping with a friend? At what point would their behavior hurt you?

Me? I am still trying to make up my mind.

Why do we do what we are told?

We Indians have a big problem. We do what we are told. Our culture instills in us that people "higher" than us are always right. We are not taught to question authority. Actually any instinct to question authority is quashed right at the beginning as soon as a child starts asking "why". Maybe I am generalizing too much. I definitely know quite a few people who question authority most vocally. But what I am talking about is the ease with which we accept ridiculous rules imposed on us in the name of authority. It doesn't occur to us to ask why we should follow the rule. Or if the rule should even be in place to begin with.

I had a big debate with my husband, cousin and mom at the dinner table last night. It started when my cousin mentioned that a company he knew of, made it mandatory for all its employees to get up from their seats for a few minutes every hour and move around or do some exercises to music piped through speakers throughout the building. While the intention behind imposing this rule might be noble (improving health of employees), my objection was to the  child-like treatment the employees were subjected to.

The argument that my worthy opponents (hehe) put forth was that the company has vested interest in its employees' health. The company could save huge amounts of money in insurance costs and time lost due to sick leaves taken by employees.  In my opinion, a company may put forth incentives for employees to stay healthy or even mandate health checkups regularly and impose a consequence for failing the health checkups. These, though unfair (when the employee's health has no direct bearing on his or her ability to perform his/her job function), would still be something an employee would have a choice over. He or she could choose to let his or her health slide and face the consequences. But saying that everyone HAS to get up at a predetermined time every hour and move around to some music is one short step from total dictatorial rule. Not only that, it also implies that the people who are subjected to that rule are no better than kids and need to be kept in line by rules and regulations. Heck, I wouldn't subject even kids to such diktats.

Second argument in favor of the company was that this rule is similar to companies imposing a no-smoking policy these days. How is it different from a company that tells its employees that they can't smoke in the building or that they have to go to some secluded spot, far removed from the main building, to get their smoke fix? This is how (and why). When a person smokes, he or she puts the health of other people at risk as well. Secondary smoke causes harm and we all know it. When a person chooses not to exercise and lets his or her health slide, he/she is causing harm only to him/herself, and not to others. I believe a company has every right to restrict its employees from smoking INSIDE ITS PREMISES. But a company has no business telling its employees that they can't smoke. Similarly, a company has no legal or ethical right to tell its employees that they have to exercise every hour. Say, a company is allowed to do this. Next thing you know, they'll be setting up limits on how much each person can eat. Where will it stop?

What happens when an employee lets his or her health slide so far that it starts affecting his/her performance at work? The company would have grounds to dismiss the employee for poor performance in that case, but I still wouldn't support a mandate for all employees to exercise. I say we should treat people as the adults that they are. They know exercising is good for them, smoking is bad for them and all other health crap. If they still decide to ignore it and not take care of their health, it is THEIR PROBLEM. You set up a rule saying a person should or should not do a certain thing for his or her own benefit, you are not too far from becoming a police state where you think it is your right to dictate people in other matters too. Like telling the women what to wear, how to behave, where not to go etc. Or telling grown men and women who they can and cannot, should and should not, marry. I think this is how a police state takes form. First someone comes up with a rule for the masses for "their own benefit". Once that is accepted, more rules are created and imposed. Where will it stop? Won't the "chosen few" take it as their right and responsibility to decide what is good for the masses? Will they be right in doing so?

The flip side of this discussion is that yes, adults should know what is good for them and act accordingly. Just because one has the right to live any way he/she wants should not mean that he/she can deliberately do things that are harmful or disrespectful to others.

Right after this discussion, I came across this article. I am amazed! Where do the schools get off telling parents what to wear and what not to wear? Agreed that parents should have more sense than to just zoom off to drop their kids off in their night clothes, but do the schools really need to go to the extent of "banning" them from entering the building? Really?? I know the "THEIR PREMISE" argument can be used here too but then, these parents are not harming others when they dress up inappropriately, are they? (Except their own reputation as sensible adults who know how to dress properly, maybe)

I know many Indians will not have a problem accepting this rule (or the one that I had a debate on earlier) as "normal" or even "right". I think that is because our culture teaches us that people in positions of authority (elders, employers, power figures etc.) have to be deferred to, respected and that they are always right - even when they are wrong. I think that part of our culture needs rethinking.

What do you think?

Note: I am not naming the company, but it is an American company. I am not commenting on whether Americans (or people from any other country) follow rules blindly or not. I am not qualified to make that observation. My post is based on the readiness I see in my fellow Indians to justify any such rules. Also, I am not implying that I am any better than them. I have the same instinct to "do as I am told". But I am learning to fight that instinct. I am learning to question rules that seem a tad bit (or more) on the ridiculous side. I am also learning to question rules that seem sane and reasonable. What I am actually learning, is that it is healthy to question the state of things. It means you are paying attention (and not just following blindly)

What's in a hug?

You know, when life sucker-punched you in the face and everything that could go wrong, did?
There’s a hug for that.

When you just get beat down with one problem after another and can’t get a moment to catch your breath?
There’s a hug for that.

When you are so tired from the constant juggling and running and managing of schedules that dropping dead seems like an appealing solution?
There’s a hug for that.

When life plonks you smack-dab in the middle of a hopeless situation and you see no way out?
Yeah, there’s a hug for that.

When your worries are dragging you down, inch by inch, away from the happy perch that you earlier clawed yourself up to?
There’s a hug for that too.

When people you depended on or trusted, are no longer dependable or trustable?
There better be a hug for that!

But best of all – when you just want a hug, and nothing but a hug?
There IS a hug for that!


I came across the “Free Hugs Campaign” quite accidentally – I don’t remember where or how. But it drives home the truth that doesn’t normally register on our minds – a simple hug carries such a therapeutic power in it. Have you ever had a day when you just craved for a tender human touch? For a friend to give you a squeeze and say “It’s gonna be alright”? Or for someone to just fold you into their arms and hold you for a while? I have had many of those days in the past few months. I am lucky to have a few very special people in my life who dole out hugs on a regular basis as well as on special demand. But there are occasions when I need a hug and still don’t want to have to ask for it. (What? A girl is allowed that!!) On those days I wish

a) My loved ones had “Cee needs a hug” sensors, OR
b) Someone was running a Free Hugs campaign in my neighborhood.

Yeah I am silly like that. And I pay for it by not getting hugs when I most need them.

This is how I feel at times

I grew up in a "hug-less" environment but I knew I was loved. My parents didn’t show their affection in physical ways but they never missed an opportunity to let me and my brother know that they loved us very much. So, it was very late in life that I realized the power that a simple hug carries in it. But, I still can’t bring myself to hug people randomly, no matter how close I am to them. J and the girls are an exception – I think I must suffocate them with the hugs I bestow upon them. I have hugged my best friend of 11 years on occasions that I can count on the fingers of one hand. We joke about it. I wish I could just reach out and hug her when we meet or when we leave after meeting but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I often wonder why I am this way, but haven’t been able to figure it out.

It could be my fear of rejection (yes I have that) but that is silly, isn’t it? How would someone reject a hug? Especially someone who, I know, cares about me. Beats me. Who can figure out the ways of a Crazy Cee? At least not a Cee. Do you have any insights?

So, coming to the original question – what’s in a hug? A hug can be a means to show that you care. It has therapeutic powers, no doubt.  But also some apprehension, self-doubt and fear of rejection apparently (for me). Oh, and according to some articles I found online, some signals, innuendos, opportunities etc. too :)

Note: When I was searching for answers to my question "What's in a hug?", I came across a post bearing the same title by another blogger. Since I had already typed my whole post out, I didn't change the title of mine. Do read this post - very well written.

NOW try telling me rapes happen because of how women dress or behave

Many people believe that incidents of rape and sexual harassment happen because of the victim's outfit or behavior. Many of them are people in positions of power which means chances are high that their opinions will influence other people's opinions. That is unfortunate because the fact of the matter is that rape is more about exerting power over the victim than about satisfying a sexual urge generated by titillating outfit or behavior.

Rape is a disgusting display of brutal power and twisted morals. It has nothing to do with the victim, and everything to do with the rapist. But you know what my great country-people believe? That a little, 7th grade girl is to blame when she gets raped by a neighbor who is a grown man with kids of his own. That disgusted me no end. But waitaminnit!! While searching for the news article about that rape, I stumbled across this news article. At first I thought it was news about another rape victim in India, but no! This one happened closer to home - in Springfield, Missouri! I fully expected the sexually repressed Indians to blame the victim. Imagine my horror upon finding out that the people from a developed nation's sexually liberated society think the same way! Difference is, this is a somewhat isolated example here whereas this thinking is prevalent in Indian society. The Western world is not completely free of this mentality though. Last year, a Canadian police officer's suggestion that "women should stop dressing like sluts" to remain safe triggered "Slutwalks" all over the world. So this depravity is not limited to third world countries alone - it is widespread and thriving all over the world.

It is easier to blame the victim in this kind of crimes, than to blame the perpetrator. Why? Who knows? It IS hard work catching the criminals and proving their crime. It is safe to hide behind the traditional thinking. It is easier to control the women when they are made to believe that they are responsible for the harms that befall them when they step outside their "boundaries". It is morally uplifting to believe that the victims got what they had coming to them and we aren't victims because we are purer and/or smarter.


If the moral police were right in their beliefs about the influence of victims' behavior or clothing on a rapist's mind, no 10 month old girls or 80 year old women would get raped. If they were right, we wouldn't come across such news articles (Thanks to Sue for this link - I lifted this from one of her tweets). Go ahead read this and tell me it did not turn your guts inside out.

See that is another thing about rape - it can also be used as a weapon of war. It is never about the victim's attire or behavior. It is always about exerting control and asserting authority. Even when the rapist does rape the victim because she was improperly dressed or drunk, he actually does it to "teach her a lesson". Now go ahead an read the articles that I have linked in the previous paragraph and then tell me if those victims were raped because they were wearing revealing clothes, or because they were behaving inappropriately or simply "asking for it"?

You know why the criminals get away with these excuses? Because WE, the society, let them! We dumbly accept their excuse. Heck we even accept that a rapist should get a reduced sentence because when he committed the crime of rape, he had been away from his family for a long time and hence not in control of his actions. It does not matter that his victim was a 10 month old baby. We accept these excuses because we, despite being intelligent beings with rational thought capacity, still cannot accept sex for what it is - a natural act. And we keep associating it with what it isn't - control, blame, impurity, pleasure-seeking (which, somehow, seems an inferior behavior to our minds), guilty pleasure, selfishness, you-name-it-we-got-it.

Things have GOT to change. We have to assign blame where it is due, not where it is convenient to place.

An Indian woman's dilemma

I’ve felt the rage

that made me bare my fangs.

I’ve been filled

with love’s bitter pangs.

I’ve been to the end

of despair and back,

and then I saw a door

open just a crack.

I got a glimpse of

what my life could be.

I thought of the loved ones,

and then I thought of me.

They don’t go together,

the thoughts of me and them.

Oh how I wish I were

the selfish kind of fem!

The door that opened

and called out to me,

showed me the dreams

of a long-lost younger me.

I took a step to it,

and another.

Then I remembered I'm a

daughter, wife and mother.

I long for an answer,

whatever it may be.

It would be nice to have

an end to the agony.

But I don’t think I can

take it anymore.

I think I’m just  gonna

have to shut the door.

If there were no consequences

to anything that we do, what would you do?

We all work (most of the times) within the parameters set by the real or perceived consequences of our actions. When we, intentionally or unintentionally, do things without considering the consequences, we face them. Eventually. That, I believe, also works as an effective parenting technique. What better way to teach your child to heed the consequences of their actions than to let them have a brush with a few unpleasant ones?

S once forgot to bring her homework to school despite a few reminders from me. The next day I got a call from her class teacher, asking me to verify that she had indeed, as she was insisting, done her work. I verified that and then requested the teacher to still go ahead and implement the standard consequence for missing homework - make S do the homework in class by making her miss recess. This happened when S was in first grade. She is in eighth grade now and reminding her to take her homework or projects to school is NOT one of my responsibilities. She remembers it herself.

So, coming back to the original question. If you could do anything without having to face any consequences, what would you do? Me? I think it will be pretty meaningless to do anything then. We do things because they carry consequences - pleasant ones. We refrain from doing things that carry unpleasant consequences. But I don't think anyone likes to do anything that doesn't carry any - those are called meaningless tasks, aren't they?

Okay, let's assume we are only eliminating the unpleasant consequences. What would you do then? I can think of a few things right away that I would do. No, murder is not one of them. I don't hate anyone enough to murder them. Not anymore anyway. But then I pause and think again - even if there weren't any (unpleasant) consequences tied to my actions, would I take advantage of that? I would still know what I'd done and that it is wrong (remember, we are talking about removing unpleasant consequences so it must mean that the actions preceding them are wrong). That would be enough to deter me because I do not like not liking myself.

Anyway, I think the mark of an honorable man (and woman) lies in how he/she behaves even in absence of negative consequences. Now, I don't claim to be honorable (though I try to be), but I do think living this way is also easy on one's conscience. Now THAT is something I like!

What about you?

(Note: Cross-posted here)

A-less

Ernest Vincent Wright, I'm told, wrote one 50,000 word novel without using the letter "e". Impressive, huh? I've decided to try to write 26 posts - every one without one specific letter of the English letter set, going in sequence from beginning to end. Just curious - did you notice so long I've not used the first letter of the "English Letter set"? (Yes I'm permitted to devise my own words or descriptions if I come up short on synonyms)

So, this will be interesting. I wonder how long I'll keep going before I stumble into some letter which I decidedly couldn't do without. E? Some other vowel? I wonder. I'm sure it will be some vowel which will get the better of me. Let's see. Bring it on!! (Obviously I've tons of time but not enough things to do)

Bragging rights!

The much eagerly awaited book written by a talented writer and a dear friend, Kiran Manral, is finally out and on the bookshelves. Go get it!! I get the bragging rights because I NOW KNOW A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!! I haven't been able to get my hands on the book yet but that will be soon rectified. In the meanwhile YOU get the book and tell me how you like it. Go on.

It is available on Flipkart here.

To learn more about the book, visit Kiran's website. 

To learn more about Kiran, visit her many blogs (start from here). This woman simply amazes me. Her drive, her determination is something I can only aspire to. 

Who says you can't go home?

Who says you can't go home? (God, I LOVE that song!!!)

I did. And I had a blast. Met friends and family. Got over a few grudges. Found peace of mind in a few matters. Got sick like a dying dog. Traveled. Learned a few things. Unlearned a few things.

One thing I learned is that "alone" doesn't quite mean alone. When I told people I was traveling alone, the next question out of their mouths used to be "With the kids?" Amazing!! People either don't listen or their idea of a woman traveling alone is that of a woman traveling alone (as in without her husband) with her kids. I am still trying to wrap my head around this.

Some people expressed worry at me leaving my kids "alone" - apparently having their own dad there with them does not count as able supervision. I am still trying to decide if I should take it as an insult over considering my husband incapable of taking care of his own children or just chalk it up to their ignorance. A few women expressed their envy at me being able to do it, and that made me feel sad for those who can not even consider this option, even if a family emergency were to arise.

I found that the two cities that I always visit on my trips to India - Jodhpur and Indore, were cleaner this time. Perhaps due to the government's ban on plastic bags. No more plastic waste, wrapped around all sorts of "other" waste flapping around on the streets. The traffic seemed saner in Indore too - but maybe that was only due to my own limited exposure to it. I was in the city for a mere 2.5 days.

I met a bunch of highschool classmates in Jodhpur. We had a 23-year reunion. 15 of us made it, 3 of us alone and the rest with families. It was wonderful to see how all of us have changed and grown and also to meet the spouses and kids. I particularly appreciated the spouses who made it to the reunion. J had one for his high school last year and if I could go (I couldn't - didn't have enough vacation time) I probably would have opted out. I am kinda shy and uncomfortable in gatherings where I don't know most of the people. That is really strange because I don't have problems making friends with strangers - I am just uncomfortable in gatherings.

I also benefited from the motherly hovering, caring and pampering that my mom bestowed on me :) This is exactly what I had been missing, and wishing for. The last few years haven't exactly been easy on me and I had been grappling with a lot of self-doubt and angst. This trip resolved a lot of that. Being with my mother eased some of the hurt that had crept in seeing her feel miserable and lonely in my home when she visited us last in 2010. She'd had to cut her visit short due to the loneliness and I took it as a personal failure, somehow. I just wish I could have spent more time with her in Jodhpur. She flew to Delhi to see me off back to US but I couldn't really spend much time with her that day as I was sick and spent most of the day sleeping. My youngest aunt came to Jodhpur to meet me as well, and so did my maternal uncle and aunt and one of their daughters with her son. I was moved that so many people considered it worth their time and effort to come meet me after traveling for hours.

Next stop was Hyderabad where I met The Ro, The Maggie, The Sue and The Dipali. The K and The EvesLungs were supposed to join us too but K cancelled early on during the planning phase due to some clashing family plans and EL had to change plans at the last minute. Both were tremendously missed. The 2 days that I spent in Hyderabad were wonderful despite the cough and the fever that I developed on my way there from Jodhpur. Ro and her husband, Jai, are awesome hosts. And don't believe Ro when she complains about her "brats" - I didn't see better behaved kids on my entire trip that took me through 5 cities and 7 airports (a couple of them multiple times).

I bought my anniversary gift from J in Hyderabad - two pearl sets! I didn't do much shopping - most of everything that I brought back from India was gifted to me. All I had to do was pay the extra baggage fee at EVERY. SINGLE. PORT!! But the new and improved me didn't mind the extra fee or the overweight baggage - instead I loved my friends and family for the love they showed me.

Next I visited my brother and his wife in Pune. 2.5 days again. 2.5 days full of rest, relaxation, shopping, chatting, laughing, arguing - something I hadn't done with them in a long, LONG time. This probably was the most memorable part of my trip - made me realize how much I had been missing my brother. He was my first "best friend" - someone I could share everything and anything with. I was glad to find out that things are still the same. We went out for coffee and I ended up spilling my emotions in front of him about a lot of things that had been bothering me for some time. And a few tears. He is still one of VERY FEW people I can cry in front of. He took it all like he always has - with patience and understanding like only a best friend could. Bonded with my sister in law over cups of tea and her reprimands to my brother about taking better care of me while I was visiting them :) She is another perfect hostess who makes sure you are comfortable in her home without making you feel awkward about the care being dispensed. And she has decorated her home beautifully!!

From Pune I went to Indore to visit my in-laws for 2.5 days. Turned out to be the best trip I have ever had to Indore. No pressure, easy conversations, fun and laughter. Lots of love from my nephew and niece. A lot of pampering from my brother in law and his wife. Some happy conversations with my father and mother in law. All in all, a happy trip. From there it was back to Delhi and then to US. I had been sick ever since I left Jodhpur but that did not stop me from enjoying myself. Towards the end though, my energy depleted and I almost crashed in Delhi. I managed to bring myself home despite an upset stomach, cough, fever and high blood pressure from all the travel related stress (and an inefficient medication - but more on that later).

So, you see, I did manage to go home and then come back to where my home is now.