A little boy, about 4 years old, is sitting in the kitchen with a glass of milk in front of him on the dining table. His young aunt is sitting there too, with her glass of milk in front of her. They are about to see who can drink their milk fastest. Aunt picks up her glass and starts sipping her milk. The little boy protests "You can't drink faster than me! I want to be first". Aunt replies "So why don't you start drinking your milk?" The boy doesn't want to. Aunt says "You have to drink faster to be first. I am not going to slow down just so you can win." The little boy doesn't get this logic. Till now everyone he has competed with, has lost to him. They have even pretended to cry upon losing. The aunt would have none of that. You either drink fast or you lose. If you sit with your glass of milk in front of you, I'm not going to sit with mine waiting for you to begin! The boy cries. His mom is fuming and eventually tells him "Okay you can defeat me in milk-drinking competition. Let kaki (aunt) drink her milk". Matter ends.
I was that heartless aunt. J's nephew, the little boy. I was trying to teach him that in order to win at something we have to put in our best efforts. Maybe my timing was wrong, or the method needed improvement. I know for sure that I needed more support from the rest of the family in teaching him these things.
Even today, 10 years later, I see parents rushing in trying to make sure their kids excel at everything. Not too long ago, I wrote about a dad's valiant efforts to prevent boys facing defeat from a girl. I saw a parent fretting over their kid's presentation on the school's stage and watch them mouth the kid's lines in a play (isn't it amazing that they took the time to learn ALL the lines? I couldn't be arsed!) to prompt her to do better. What's wrong with that, you say? Well, teaching your kid to say her lines properly is one thing. Sitting in her face, prompting her for every effing line, with actions, while the play is in progress? I am sorry but this is stretching things a bit too far. Let her screw up a few lines for goodness' sake! Let her taste failure, disappointment. Because only then will she get the determination to do better the next time. And who knows? She might surprise you by remembering exactly how to say the lines. She won't gain confidence until she does it all on her own. Be there to help her. Teach her. Learn with her. But when the time comes, let her do what she has to do. Sit back and enjoy the show. Literally. If she messes up, fine! Make note of her mistakes and discuss them later. At home. NON accusingly.
It raises my hackles to see parents and teachers trying to make every kid feel special at any given event. "We all are winners for participating in this event". "There are no losers. Only winners". "You all are winners for making the effort". WTH??? I get it, I do, that kids should be encouraged for merely participating in an event. Winning ain't everything. But what about the poor winner (never thought I'd use the words "poor" and "winner" together) who put in extra efforts, who perhaps practised his/her butt off before the event? Don't put the losers down but at least show some appreciation for the winner(s)! It is this mentality of making everyone special that gets my goat. Yeah everyone is special. I am not denying that. But if someone made an ounce of extra effort and stood out among those special kids, please do make a little bit of song and dance about it. The poor sucker spent time and effort at getting better than other kids at something!
What I am afraid of is that these very kids, whom we are trying to help develop a healthy self esteem, will grow up to be over-confident brats with ginormous, inflated egos who think they can never lose because... well because they are specail! And when life serves them one of its lessons? When they lose out to someone a bit more deserving? Or even someone less deserving? (because that does happen) They will be devastated because failure will be an unkonwn territory for them. They wouldn't know how to overcome something they have never experienced or even dreamt about! THAT is why I think we parents owe it to our kids to let them taste a little bit of failure. We need to make our kids realize that life isn't always fair. Not everyone gets candy and a certificate at the end. And even if failure beats you down, you HAVE to get up. brush off your clothes and get back in the frigging fight!
And it isn't about only winning. It is also about learning from your mistakes. Improvement. If I step in and correct every mistake my child makes, how will she ever learn to check her own work and correct it if needed? At the event I wrote about in the beginning (play, parent mouthing lines), S forgot to bring along a printout of her lines for the play. I told her to figure out what to do. She said she'd ask her teacher if she could take another printout. They did have some time. I thought even if the teacher got upset at S for forgetting her lines, it would be a good lesson for her to learn. The teacher didn't get upset and just printed out the lines for her again (I guess she is more used to such things, being a fifth grade teacher). I think S did learn a little lesson. Two, maybe. One - to remember such things, and two - to figure out a solution instead of panicking.
All around me I see efforts being made to help kids succeed at everything. Nothing's wrong with that. My only grouse is that nobody is teaching them to lose gracefully. Unless you fail at something, you cannot learn to be graceful in the face of defeat. And unless you do so, you can't learn the WHOLE lesson that life has in store for you. If they fail, we rush in to heal their broken ego with kind words, telling them they are a winner for even trying. That winning or losing doesn't matter. All that matters is that one tried. All valid lessons in themselves, really. But not once do we tell them gently "Next time try a little harder and I am sure you'll get better at this thing." We are selling mediocricy so kids' feelings don't get hurt when they are 2nd or 3rd or 15th in the race. What is worse, we are not teaching them that more important than winning or trying is improving oneself. Doesn't matter that you were 12th in the race this time. If you practice, you might be 10th the next time. That will be an improvement. THAT is what matters.
