Last few months have been somewhat tough on me. With M's trysts with diarrhea, lactose intolerance and now ear infection (more on that in another post - it deserves a post of its own), I have been wondering if I should quit my job and stay at home with her. And believe me, however hard it might be for me, I'd do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would set everything right. The latest discussion I had with J on this was last saturday when I just broke down and declared I was quitting on Monday. Believe me - I wanted to call up my boss right then and tell him that I am quitting. But then I and J talked some more about it and he said that though he would leave the ultimate decision on me, he doesn't think M will be any happier if I stayed at home with her. She is a very social baby. She loves it at the daycare - I can see it in the way she bounces and strains to get out of her car seat as soon as we get there. And how she smiles at me when I say "bye" to her and leave. And the way she just leans towards, and gets into the arms of her careproviders. And how she crawls furiously jumps into my arms when I get back from work. She has minimal stranger anxiety (ok - may that hasn't developed yet). That tells me that she is secure and happy at the daycare and also feels loved at home and is happy to be home too. What more can I ask for?
So, I have been going back and forth. Now I have decided that if she falls severely sick even once more, then I am done with my job. And that I am giving ourselves 4 months - during these 4 months, we will try and live within J's salary. If we can do it, I'll consider quitting my work for 6-8 months even if M is not sick.
I have always said that the decision to work outside of home should be the woman's and hers alone. Well, I am officially changing my stance on it. All these months, when I have been contemplating quitting my job, only one thing has made me think 3, 4 and even 10 times about this decision. And that is the strain it would put on J. And on our finances. I think, being an equal partner in this marriage it is my obligation to contribute in whatever way I can. Just like J doesn't have the luxury to contemplate staying at home (at least right now), I don't either. I know it is true just for me and may not apply to anyone else, but this is what I feel is right for my marriage and my life. I still think a woman shouldn't be forced to stay at home just because she is a woman.
Recently, I read a "Dear Abby" letter from a man who said he was working three jobs to make ends meet but his wife refused to work and just wanted to stay at home. That letter brought on this "thinking spree" (and now my knees are hurtin'! :D). I feel in a situation like that one, a wife should get out there and work and help her husband out. My mom did that. When she got married at the age of 19, all she wanted to do was stay at home an take care of her home and family (she told me this many years back). But my dad was under a lot of debt that he had accumulated for his studies, wedding and his sisters' weddings. My mom took up a job to help him out and because they worked like a team all their lives, they are now financially secure. Good marriages are made of this kind of stuff, aren't they?
Well, enough incoherency for one day. I gotta hit the sack now. It is 2 effing AM!
If we looked at relationships as a partnership of equals, rather than a partnership of man/woman then these power equations become redundant. In my case, we're both women and if we ever had a child or if one of us didn't want to work for whatever reason - there would have to be a joint decision made. There'd be no "I'm the woman, so I have the luxury of not working" happening.
ReplyDelete:)
I wish both your kids good health and I wish you loads of wealth so you can have the luxury of not working! :)
Totally with you on this. My mother after having travelled the world as an Air Hostess way back in the 70's decided that bringing us up the way she wanted to, full time, would give her the most pleasure and my father endorsed it wholeheartedly. So she had loads of fun with us as a stay at home mom, got involved in many pioneering volunteer activities until the hard times hit us. My father lost his health and suddenly the mantle of running our home was thrust on her. She quickly asessed her options and got going and today many years later is a very reputed and repected educationist and businesswoman. What I remember most was that there was no whining, no running to her family or my father's for sympathy or assistance.
ReplyDeleteYou do whats best for your family as a whole CeeKay and it will work out to everybody's satisfaction. You'll see.
Totally with you on this. My mother after having travelled the world as an Air Hostess way back in the 70's decided that bringing us up the way she wanted to, full time, would give her the most pleasure and my father endorsed it wholeheartedly. So she had loads of fun with us as a stay at home mom, got involved in many pioneering volunteer activities until the hard times hit us. My father lost his health and suddenly the mantle of running our home was thrust on her. She quickly asessed her options and got going and today many years later is a very reputed and repected educationist and businesswoman. What I remember most was that there was no whining, no running to her family or my father's for sympathy or assistance.
ReplyDeleteYou do whats best for your family as a whole CeeKay and it will work out to everybody's satisfaction. You'll see.
Hi CK,
ReplyDeleteDo what's best for you at this moment. A leave of absence for few months may be just what little M needs till her immune system gets stronger.
You may be bored out of your tree though :)
Good luck, everything will work out for the best since you are prepared either way.
This trial period of living within J's income for four months sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteIs some kind of part-time work an option for you?
It is a tough call. But I'm sure things will work out alright.
Take care.
Broom: I had never thought of it from your angle! But yes, if everyone were to treat marriage as an equal partnership, I guess many issues would become pointless. On a tangent - I HATE it when husbands behave as if their wives are someone they need to "protect" - like a teenager. I have seen such men (one is a dear friend).
ReplyDeleteUnmana: I am more at peace after having decided upon the 4 month trial period. Thanks for the good luck wishes.
Deepa: This is one perspective I wanted to hear - that of a child whose stay-at-home mother had to go to work for some reasons. I mean my main concern (after financial strain) is what would be the long term effect on my kids. My mom worked full time and I was/am very proud of the fact. But sometimes I feel that I am not able to balance things as well as she did.
GGOP: I LOVE my work. That is why it is such a tough decision. Unfortunately, my company doesn't do unpaid leave, or "leave of absence". I can only use my paid-time-off and I don't have enough to last me for a month, leave along 6-8 months. If I were confident that I could find a good job easily whenever I wanted/needed to go back to work, I'd quit in a second. But the market being what it is right now, I don't see that happening.
Dipali: I am not sure I can find anything part-time in my field (networking). As it is, mine is a 24/7 job - I work 40 hours a week, but I need to be available 24/7 for emergencies. Some of the maintenance work I need to do/get done can only be done in off-business hours so there have been occasions when I have worked during after-business hours until 3-4 in the morning. And this is going to be the same across most of the companies that I might find work at. I am going to look around for part-time opportunities though.
Broom: Forgot to add this - thanks for the wish! Having enough wealth so I have the luxury to choose (or not) to work is good :) Though I am sure even then I would choose to work. I love my work. It is just the guilt that is the driving force behind this dilemma.
ReplyDeletetough call alright. i totally agree with the equal partnership thing. i think that's prevalent attitude today though, isn't it?
ReplyDeletemy mom had to go back to work after my dad's first heart attack, and she did so much as a whine.
we didn't mind much, as kids, you don't think much of it - we never laid any guilt on her for not being there when we got home from work and all that. when things got better, she quit again and everything was dadny again.
things will fall into place for you too. hang in there.
*hugs*
Been said before by the rest, but am totally in sync with what you said. I struggled with this while coming back to work but we had made a joint decision to buy a house which was based on the assumption that both our incomes would be available. Having bought the house, I just didn't feel I could bail on my husband by letting him shoulder the financial responsibility of household expenses as well as the loan repayment. At a stretch, it could have been done but it would have been a life of stress and stretch and would not, I feel, have made anyone happier than we are today.
ReplyDeleteCeeKay,
ReplyDeleteI am sure things will get better in 4 months time as M will be almost one by then.
Also if you are working in the company for long ask if you can do reduced work hours. I know it is difficult if you are in network admin, but say you ask for 4 day work week.
Again the economy going down, employers are not happy with such requests but you can try
sandeepa
follow your heart!
ReplyDeleteand even if u do decide to quit, you could do it for a bit like a break and come back to the working world!!!
Ouch this is the hardest decision to make! The 4 month trial sounds good, but how do you plan to get back to work afterwards (esp if as you say the company doesn't give you long leave?)
ReplyDeleteOk I think I should send you an email instead..
Totally with you on what you wrote. It is a tough decision, surving on one salary after getting used to two incomes is not easy. I have done that and am now back into work force(part time this time) cos since both the kids had started school, I was free during the school hours and as I wrote in one of the posts that D had to work longer hours to compensate for my salary to some extent so that we could still maintain the same lifestyle. But making sure that both of them were well settled in school was first priority. But now, since I have 9-3 free time, I considered to pitch in to play some part in bringing some income home so that the burden is a little less on D. Fortunately, I found one such job pretty quickly where I can still pick and drop of the kids and take them to their extracurricular activities without getting too tired or irritable at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteI think its a good decision to first give yourselves a few months to see how it goes with single income. Just one suggestion, if you are thinking of staying at home for just 8-9 months, then why don't you try and reduce your work hours for those months instead. AS you said, the little one enjoys day care too....so it just might work out and then you can go back to full time once you feel that you are ready for it.
I know you didn't ask for advise or suggestions, so, hope you won't get offended by some suggestions as I have been on both sides of the fence.