Why do we do what we are told?

We Indians have a big problem. We do what we are told. Our culture instills in us that people "higher" than us are always right. We are not taught to question authority. Actually any instinct to question authority is quashed right at the beginning as soon as a child starts asking "why". Maybe I am generalizing too much. I definitely know quite a few people who question authority most vocally. But what I am talking about is the ease with which we accept ridiculous rules imposed on us in the name of authority. It doesn't occur to us to ask why we should follow the rule. Or if the rule should even be in place to begin with.

I had a big debate with my husband, cousin and mom at the dinner table last night. It started when my cousin mentioned that a company he knew of, made it mandatory for all its employees to get up from their seats for a few minutes every hour and move around or do some exercises to music piped through speakers throughout the building. While the intention behind imposing this rule might be noble (improving health of employees), my objection was to the  child-like treatment the employees were subjected to.

The argument that my worthy opponents (hehe) put forth was that the company has vested interest in its employees' health. The company could save huge amounts of money in insurance costs and time lost due to sick leaves taken by employees.  In my opinion, a company may put forth incentives for employees to stay healthy or even mandate health checkups regularly and impose a consequence for failing the health checkups. These, though unfair (when the employee's health has no direct bearing on his or her ability to perform his/her job function), would still be something an employee would have a choice over. He or she could choose to let his or her health slide and face the consequences. But saying that everyone HAS to get up at a predetermined time every hour and move around to some music is one short step from total dictatorial rule. Not only that, it also implies that the people who are subjected to that rule are no better than kids and need to be kept in line by rules and regulations. Heck, I wouldn't subject even kids to such diktats.

Second argument in favor of the company was that this rule is similar to companies imposing a no-smoking policy these days. How is it different from a company that tells its employees that they can't smoke in the building or that they have to go to some secluded spot, far removed from the main building, to get their smoke fix? This is how (and why). When a person smokes, he or she puts the health of other people at risk as well. Secondary smoke causes harm and we all know it. When a person chooses not to exercise and lets his or her health slide, he/she is causing harm only to him/herself, and not to others. I believe a company has every right to restrict its employees from smoking INSIDE ITS PREMISES. But a company has no business telling its employees that they can't smoke. Similarly, a company has no legal or ethical right to tell its employees that they have to exercise every hour. Say, a company is allowed to do this. Next thing you know, they'll be setting up limits on how much each person can eat. Where will it stop?

What happens when an employee lets his or her health slide so far that it starts affecting his/her performance at work? The company would have grounds to dismiss the employee for poor performance in that case, but I still wouldn't support a mandate for all employees to exercise. I say we should treat people as the adults that they are. They know exercising is good for them, smoking is bad for them and all other health crap. If they still decide to ignore it and not take care of their health, it is THEIR PROBLEM. You set up a rule saying a person should or should not do a certain thing for his or her own benefit, you are not too far from becoming a police state where you think it is your right to dictate people in other matters too. Like telling the women what to wear, how to behave, where not to go etc. Or telling grown men and women who they can and cannot, should and should not, marry. I think this is how a police state takes form. First someone comes up with a rule for the masses for "their own benefit". Once that is accepted, more rules are created and imposed. Where will it stop? Won't the "chosen few" take it as their right and responsibility to decide what is good for the masses? Will they be right in doing so?

The flip side of this discussion is that yes, adults should know what is good for them and act accordingly. Just because one has the right to live any way he/she wants should not mean that he/she can deliberately do things that are harmful or disrespectful to others.

Right after this discussion, I came across this article. I am amazed! Where do the schools get off telling parents what to wear and what not to wear? Agreed that parents should have more sense than to just zoom off to drop their kids off in their night clothes, but do the schools really need to go to the extent of "banning" them from entering the building? Really?? I know the "THEIR PREMISE" argument can be used here too but then, these parents are not harming others when they dress up inappropriately, are they? (Except their own reputation as sensible adults who know how to dress properly, maybe)

I know many Indians will not have a problem accepting this rule (or the one that I had a debate on earlier) as "normal" or even "right". I think that is because our culture teaches us that people in positions of authority (elders, employers, power figures etc.) have to be deferred to, respected and that they are always right - even when they are wrong. I think that part of our culture needs rethinking.

What do you think?

Note: I am not naming the company, but it is an American company. I am not commenting on whether Americans (or people from any other country) follow rules blindly or not. I am not qualified to make that observation. My post is based on the readiness I see in my fellow Indians to justify any such rules. Also, I am not implying that I am any better than them. I have the same instinct to "do as I am told". But I am learning to fight that instinct. I am learning to question rules that seem a tad bit (or more) on the ridiculous side. I am also learning to question rules that seem sane and reasonable. What I am actually learning, is that it is healthy to question the state of things. It means you are paying attention (and not just following blindly)

What's in a hug?

You know, when life sucker-punched you in the face and everything that could go wrong, did?
There’s a hug for that.

When you just get beat down with one problem after another and can’t get a moment to catch your breath?
There’s a hug for that.

When you are so tired from the constant juggling and running and managing of schedules that dropping dead seems like an appealing solution?
There’s a hug for that.

When life plonks you smack-dab in the middle of a hopeless situation and you see no way out?
Yeah, there’s a hug for that.

When your worries are dragging you down, inch by inch, away from the happy perch that you earlier clawed yourself up to?
There’s a hug for that too.

When people you depended on or trusted, are no longer dependable or trustable?
There better be a hug for that!

But best of all – when you just want a hug, and nothing but a hug?
There IS a hug for that!


I came across the “Free Hugs Campaign” quite accidentally – I don’t remember where or how. But it drives home the truth that doesn’t normally register on our minds – a simple hug carries such a therapeutic power in it. Have you ever had a day when you just craved for a tender human touch? For a friend to give you a squeeze and say “It’s gonna be alright”? Or for someone to just fold you into their arms and hold you for a while? I have had many of those days in the past few months. I am lucky to have a few very special people in my life who dole out hugs on a regular basis as well as on special demand. But there are occasions when I need a hug and still don’t want to have to ask for it. (What? A girl is allowed that!!) On those days I wish

a) My loved ones had “Cee needs a hug” sensors, OR
b) Someone was running a Free Hugs campaign in my neighborhood.

Yeah I am silly like that. And I pay for it by not getting hugs when I most need them.

This is how I feel at times

I grew up in a "hug-less" environment but I knew I was loved. My parents didn’t show their affection in physical ways but they never missed an opportunity to let me and my brother know that they loved us very much. So, it was very late in life that I realized the power that a simple hug carries in it. But, I still can’t bring myself to hug people randomly, no matter how close I am to them. J and the girls are an exception – I think I must suffocate them with the hugs I bestow upon them. I have hugged my best friend of 11 years on occasions that I can count on the fingers of one hand. We joke about it. I wish I could just reach out and hug her when we meet or when we leave after meeting but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I often wonder why I am this way, but haven’t been able to figure it out.

It could be my fear of rejection (yes I have that) but that is silly, isn’t it? How would someone reject a hug? Especially someone who, I know, cares about me. Beats me. Who can figure out the ways of a Crazy Cee? At least not a Cee. Do you have any insights?

So, coming to the original question – what’s in a hug? A hug can be a means to show that you care. It has therapeutic powers, no doubt.  But also some apprehension, self-doubt and fear of rejection apparently (for me). Oh, and according to some articles I found online, some signals, innuendos, opportunities etc. too :)

Note: When I was searching for answers to my question "What's in a hug?", I came across a post bearing the same title by another blogger. Since I had already typed my whole post out, I didn't change the title of mine. Do read this post - very well written.

NOW try telling me rapes happen because of how women dress or behave

Many people believe that incidents of rape and sexual harassment happen because of the victim's outfit or behavior. Many of them are people in positions of power which means chances are high that their opinions will influence other people's opinions. That is unfortunate because the fact of the matter is that rape is more about exerting power over the victim than about satisfying a sexual urge generated by titillating outfit or behavior.

Rape is a disgusting display of brutal power and twisted morals. It has nothing to do with the victim, and everything to do with the rapist. But you know what my great country-people believe? That a little, 7th grade girl is to blame when she gets raped by a neighbor who is a grown man with kids of his own. That disgusted me no end. But waitaminnit!! While searching for the news article about that rape, I stumbled across this news article. At first I thought it was news about another rape victim in India, but no! This one happened closer to home - in Springfield, Missouri! I fully expected the sexually repressed Indians to blame the victim. Imagine my horror upon finding out that the people from a developed nation's sexually liberated society think the same way! Difference is, this is a somewhat isolated example here whereas this thinking is prevalent in Indian society. The Western world is not completely free of this mentality though. Last year, a Canadian police officer's suggestion that "women should stop dressing like sluts" to remain safe triggered "Slutwalks" all over the world. So this depravity is not limited to third world countries alone - it is widespread and thriving all over the world.

It is easier to blame the victim in this kind of crimes, than to blame the perpetrator. Why? Who knows? It IS hard work catching the criminals and proving their crime. It is safe to hide behind the traditional thinking. It is easier to control the women when they are made to believe that they are responsible for the harms that befall them when they step outside their "boundaries". It is morally uplifting to believe that the victims got what they had coming to them and we aren't victims because we are purer and/or smarter.


If the moral police were right in their beliefs about the influence of victims' behavior or clothing on a rapist's mind, no 10 month old girls or 80 year old women would get raped. If they were right, we wouldn't come across such news articles (Thanks to Sue for this link - I lifted this from one of her tweets). Go ahead read this and tell me it did not turn your guts inside out.

See that is another thing about rape - it can also be used as a weapon of war. It is never about the victim's attire or behavior. It is always about exerting control and asserting authority. Even when the rapist does rape the victim because she was improperly dressed or drunk, he actually does it to "teach her a lesson". Now go ahead an read the articles that I have linked in the previous paragraph and then tell me if those victims were raped because they were wearing revealing clothes, or because they were behaving inappropriately or simply "asking for it"?

You know why the criminals get away with these excuses? Because WE, the society, let them! We dumbly accept their excuse. Heck we even accept that a rapist should get a reduced sentence because when he committed the crime of rape, he had been away from his family for a long time and hence not in control of his actions. It does not matter that his victim was a 10 month old baby. We accept these excuses because we, despite being intelligent beings with rational thought capacity, still cannot accept sex for what it is - a natural act. And we keep associating it with what it isn't - control, blame, impurity, pleasure-seeking (which, somehow, seems an inferior behavior to our minds), guilty pleasure, selfishness, you-name-it-we-got-it.

Things have GOT to change. We have to assign blame where it is due, not where it is convenient to place.

An Indian woman's dilemma

I’ve felt the rage

that made me bare my fangs.

I’ve been filled

with love’s bitter pangs.

I’ve been to the end

of despair and back,

and then I saw a door

open just a crack.

I got a glimpse of

what my life could be.

I thought of the loved ones,

and then I thought of me.

They don’t go together,

the thoughts of me and them.

Oh how I wish I were

the selfish kind of fem!

The door that opened

and called out to me,

showed me the dreams

of a long-lost younger me.

I took a step to it,

and another.

Then I remembered I'm a

daughter, wife and mother.

I long for an answer,

whatever it may be.

It would be nice to have

an end to the agony.

But I don’t think I can

take it anymore.

I think I’m just  gonna

have to shut the door.

If there were no consequences

to anything that we do, what would you do?

We all work (most of the times) within the parameters set by the real or perceived consequences of our actions. When we, intentionally or unintentionally, do things without considering the consequences, we face them. Eventually. That, I believe, also works as an effective parenting technique. What better way to teach your child to heed the consequences of their actions than to let them have a brush with a few unpleasant ones?

S once forgot to bring her homework to school despite a few reminders from me. The next day I got a call from her class teacher, asking me to verify that she had indeed, as she was insisting, done her work. I verified that and then requested the teacher to still go ahead and implement the standard consequence for missing homework - make S do the homework in class by making her miss recess. This happened when S was in first grade. She is in eighth grade now and reminding her to take her homework or projects to school is NOT one of my responsibilities. She remembers it herself.

So, coming back to the original question. If you could do anything without having to face any consequences, what would you do? Me? I think it will be pretty meaningless to do anything then. We do things because they carry consequences - pleasant ones. We refrain from doing things that carry unpleasant consequences. But I don't think anyone likes to do anything that doesn't carry any - those are called meaningless tasks, aren't they?

Okay, let's assume we are only eliminating the unpleasant consequences. What would you do then? I can think of a few things right away that I would do. No, murder is not one of them. I don't hate anyone enough to murder them. Not anymore anyway. But then I pause and think again - even if there weren't any (unpleasant) consequences tied to my actions, would I take advantage of that? I would still know what I'd done and that it is wrong (remember, we are talking about removing unpleasant consequences so it must mean that the actions preceding them are wrong). That would be enough to deter me because I do not like not liking myself.

Anyway, I think the mark of an honorable man (and woman) lies in how he/she behaves even in absence of negative consequences. Now, I don't claim to be honorable (though I try to be), but I do think living this way is also easy on one's conscience. Now THAT is something I like!

What about you?

(Note: Cross-posted here)

Hop over!

My latest post at Women's Web is up.

An excerpt:

I am 40. It took me this many years to learn to stand up for myself.  And even now, I am not fully there yet. I still, sometimes, need to remind myself to think of “me” instead of the other person. My first reaction is still to blame myself if I get in a conflict with someone. I am still too timid to speak up about what I want or things that bother me. And when I catch myself doing that, I wonder why it is so? Why is it easy for men to say “Well, he/she is an a-hole” when they get in a conflict while women say “I must have done or said something to elicit that response from him/her”?

What is it that makes us this way? Our upbringing? Maybe. Our inherent nature? I doubt that. Social conditioning? YES! I cannot remember the number of times I have been told by one particular female relative that, being a woman, it is my supreme duty to a) tolerate everything, b) put others first, c) keep my mouth shut. You subject a woman to years of that sermon, along with taking her independence away by forbidding her from working, making her financially dependent and telling her all the time that she is good only because you are good to her (which implies no matter what she does, her efforts can never be exceptional or applaud-worthy) and what do you get? A broken woman who think she is good for nothing. A woman who takes years to realize that she got the jobs that she got (when she finally went out to work) because she was wanted for her skills and not because the employers were out to do charity.

Kids and Social Networking (Cross posted at Stage of Life website)

Note: This has been cross-posted at Stage of Life.

My "protective mother" instinct rears its head as soon as I hear about a preteen being on Facebook. I can't stop myself from expressing my opinions on the topic, knowing fully well that I am NOT the keeper of other people's kids. Their house, their rules. But it grates on me to see how some parents are either unaware of the potential harm of letting their child go unsupervised on the Internet or are too confident that their child is somehow capable of skirting all danger and is, unlike other kids his/her age, is super responsible.

My main concern is two-fold. One, the kids are clearly underage according to FaceBook's written policy on minimum age for members (13 years). This means they will have to lie about their age to open a Facebook account. Which, in turn, means the parents are either encouraging the lying or ignoring it. Both options don't seem too good to me. Where will they stop then? How will they explain to their kids that some lying is okay but otherwise one should never lie?

Two, one can control what they put on their Facebook wall, but they cannot control what others will put on theirs. This increases the risk of a child coming across age-inappropriate material. I once followed a link to a page on violence against women. Some images there shook me and left me unsettled for days. I am 40. How can I expect my 12 year old daughter or 9 year old niece to not be affected by such images?

Granted I cannot protect my kids from every single harm out there but I can at least try! Maybe I am being too conservative but I feel given the form Facebook is taking (one can create pages and groups for anything), there is a high chance that a child will be exposed to inappropriate material.

In addition to all this, how can we guarantee that all the people our kids "friend" on Facebook are actually kids their age or responsible adults? How do we guarantee that one of them is not a pedophile masquerading as a 14 year old cool boy? We have heard enough stories about kids who made online friends and then fell into harm's way when a "friend" lured them someplace and turned out not to be who the kids expected them to be.

I am a big proponent of not suffocating kids with our caution and rules. I strongly believe that parental control must be relaxed gradually as our children grow older. I believe doing so teaches our kids to be responsible and alert for their own safety. But I am also a staunch believer of age-appropriateness of things and I don't think FaceBook, or any other social networking site, that lets adults and kids mingle anonymously (if they so choose) is a good idea for very young kids. Most times, these kids spend unsupervised time on FaceBook/internet.

What do you think? Am I being over-protective or too conservative? What age did you allow your kids to open a Facebook account? Or what age will you allow it at? What age did your kids get their first email IDs. What measures did you take to let them have some freedom but to keep an eye on things at the same time?

Most importantly, how much privacy do you think young kids are entitled to? Facebook and other social networking sites aren't the only danger our kids face online. It is, in fact, a matter of their "online habits" (if you will, for lack of a better term) in general that we need to be more aware of. What safe internet-browsing practices do you have your kids follow? How much control do you exercise on their online activity and how and when will you relax that control?

CSAAM April 2011 - empowering the children

It is pretty surprising that despite having undergone several sexual harassment/ molestation incidents throughout my childhood and young adulthood I have ended up being fairly scar-free of those emotional traumas. I don't know how or why. I definitely had my parents’ unspoken support and that gave me strength. And I read books and articles on the matter like crazy – they made me realize that it was not my fault. But it was brutal going through all that starting from a very young age of (perhaps) 3 and a half or four years. My first memory of such an incident is not visual. It is more related to sounds and touches. The molester was a teenage girl (or probably in her early 20s).

From then on, I was fair game like every other girl in India is, to these beasts. I have lost count of the number of times I was harassed on the streets, molested by people I (or my parents) trusted AND the number of years I believed that all this happened to me because I was promiscuous. I do, still, remember the shame I felt, the fear and the frustration that gripped me and the rage that shook me every time something like this happened. What’s worse was that I had NO ONE to talk to, about all this. The few times I did have to ask for other people's help, I was chastised for having brought it upon myself (never by my parents though).

One incident that stands out in my mind is from when I was 9 or 10, in 5th grade. A family friend's son had moved in with us because his family had to move to some other town and he was waiting for a room to become available in his college's hostel. One day he called me to his room to show me something. I don't remember what it was but while I was looking at it, he placed me in his lap and started grinding himself into me. I ran away from there at the first opportunity I could find. All this happened while my mom was in the next room. I told her what happened and within a few days he was gone. This unspoken support gave me strength but I feel it would have helped me greatly if my mom had talked to me about it, explained how it was not my fault. So, even though my parents showed their support for me by their actions, I grew up believing that every such thing that happened to me happened only because I somehow brought it on myself.

These molesters can be anywhere. I remember how a close friend of my dad, would squeeze my breasts every time he came over (which was often). I was probably 9 at that time. He was bold enough to do it unobtrusively, right in the presence of my parents! I am sure he got that confidence from the fact that the Indian society does not believe in talking about these things openly. So he was confident that the shame and guilt will keep me quiet. It did. I was fortunate that this, and almost all other incidents, didn’t escalate into more serious sexual abuse. Maybe my parents noticed it and avoided situations that could result in a terrible situation but it would definitely have helped if they had also talked to me about it - would have saved me from years of angst and guilt.

These experiences taught me never to trust anyone and never to ask for help. To this day, even though I have overcome the shame, the fear and the frustration, I still cannot bring myself to trust anyone fully. And it still isn't easy for me to ask for help. Small price to pay for being scar-free, I think.

Thankfully, it hasn't made me a paranoid parent. Yes, I worry about my girls' safety, and I am not naive about the dangers lurking out there. But I refuse to let that fear make me restrict them to the point of suffocation. S goes on sleepovers and stays overnight at our friends' places. I am slowly encouraging her to step out on her own and find her footing. I'll be there if she needs help but I will NOT lead the way. I believe she will gain tremendous confidence from finding her own way with me and J by her side, like I did with my parents' help.

These experiences have taught me the importance of keeping an open communication channel with my daughters. I keep the conversation going about how to recognize the signs of sexual harassment, how one should trust their gut instinct in such matters and how it is NOT THE VICTIM'S FAULT. Not even if the victim were dressed in inappropriate clothing.

This last one originated from a comment my older daughter, S, made when I broached this subject right before she left for an overnight field trip. As I explained to her how she should trust her gut instincts and tackle such situations, and how it is NEVER the girl's fault if she is harassed or molested, she turned to me and said "unless she is wearing really inappropriate clothing, right?" I was gobsmacked!! I have NEVER expressed this opinion. I don't subscribe to it. I don't know where or whom she picked it from. But I am glad she mentioned it because then I got a chance to correct her.

I explained to her that even if a girl is dressed highly inappropriately, even if she is running around naked, it is NOT right for anyone to molest her. It would be just like taking, say, a purse from Macy's display just because no one is looking and the purse is very pretty and within easy reach. The law won't excuse you for that. Similarly how can it be okay for someone to harass a woman just because she is within easy reach or an easy target? That is the problem with this entire situation - we (as a society) tend to blame the woman for "inviting it upon herself" instead of blaming the man for not being able to control his animal urges. Isn't that what being an adult (and a civilized being) all about? Controlling urges that could harm others? Why not expect the men to control themselves? Why do we let men off so easily?

I hope S understood what I was trying to say. I hope these conversations help her in some way because I can only imagine how they could have helped me get over the guilt I felt almost my entire childhood. And I hope I can keep these communication channels open to help make my daughters strong enough to deal with such situations.

I know I cannot protect my daughters forever. But I can empower them to handle all kinds of situations. I can remind them, again and again, that they can come to me and their dad if they need help or support. And I will educate them on the matter so they go out in the big, bad world with their eyes and ears open.

We all need to talk about CSA more. Not talking about it openly sends a message to our kids that it is something shameful if you are a victim of it. We need to place the shame where it belongs – on the abuser. We need to create an environment in our homes that will encourage our kids to come talk to us instead of wallowing in shame or hurt. Almost always, abusers get away with their deeds just because the victims stay quiet out of shame or confusion. If we remove the barrier to the victims’ free speech, it will take away the cloak of security from the abuser. THAT is what will empower the children.

Midlife crisis

I have been feeling a disconnect from everything I cherish in my life. I feel I just go through motions to get through the day, week, month. Have been feeling this way for some time now. Is this midlife crisis? If it is, then it is going to be a long one - because I don't think I am middle aged yet.

This is not fair though. Men get to have affairs and buy motorcycles and women get hot flashes and begin brooding over life's bigger questions? 

It's the same everywhere

There was a girl, S. And a boy N. N wanted S but she didn't reciprocate the feelings. N started harassing S. He'd taunt her when she passed him by on the streets, show off his strength in various ways and even threatened S bodily harm if she didn't accept his proposal. S complained to her friends. One of her friends, U, openly declared his support for S and declared anyone who wished harm to S would have to deal with him first. S even started learning a martial art in the hopes that it would help her defend herself. A few other people just stayed quiet and watched the drama unfold.

Upon seeing this, N created a big ruckus about how S was threatening him and asked S to stop taking martial arts lessons. N's friends C and R declared that they supported him in everything he did. C asked U not to meddle in the matter and R pleaded with S to stop exerting her independence to maintain peace and let N be.

What do you guys think? Does this sound like a probable scene? Would you believe it if someone told you this story? Curse N and his buddies maybe?

Now, if I told you S is South Korea, N is North Korea, R is Russia, C is China and U is USA, what would your thoughts be? The "martial arts" that S is learning and which is bothering N so much is actually South Korea's nuclear program.

I was listening to a radio program and the way the hostess narrated the current situation between the two countries immediately brought this scenario to my mind. And those of you who grew up in India, or still live in India, will have to agree that this is not a far fetched scenario. The only thing that is far fetched in this story is that S even thought of learning a martial art. I mean hilarious, right?! We Indian girls grew up believing that any form of retaliation towards those thugs will only get us in more trouble. We were taught that. If ever we complained about the harassment, this was the first lesson taught to us - don't say anything or he will harass you more. Change the way you dress - maybe your clothes are provocative. Lower your volume - why attract attention? It will only get you in trouble.

God! Even thinking about this makes me see red! In a country of billions and a land of 33 crore gods and goddesses, no one saw the idiocy in this stance? Nobody ever asked "why blame the victim here?". More than half the country's population was suppressed by the other (less than) half and they tolerated it?

I know a lot of incidents of the girls' bravery at personal level. Even I have bashed up quite a few boys in my time. But speaking from an overall point of view, we come across as a society of cowards and hypocrites!

Coming back to the "story" - it seems that it is the same everywhere. The powerful want to take away the weak's right to even defend themselves.

The "A" word

Aparna asks, in her post "3 Adjustment Stories", "To what point does one adjust? Should everyone in a new relationship learn to adjust rather than it being expected mostly from one person? How does one decide if it is worth it? And what should be non-negotiable?"

 

The "A" word, “adjustment” is not new for most Indian women. Anything that involves putting up with other people’s whims, fancies, traditions, opinions etc. is covered by the umbrella of “adjustment”.

You get into an argument with your brother over who will read the newspaper first – you need to adjust (and let him, and every other male member of the family read the newspaper before you). You are the last one left to eat dinner (because, of course, the men eat first) and there isn’t much food left. Or maybe your favorite dish is all gone. You need to adjust. Don’t grumble. It is only food! You get engaged - you need to learn to adjust. You get married – you need to adjust with your new family. Your in-laws or husband abuse you – you need to adjust. You must definitely be pissing them off in some way and inviting all those troubles on yourself. You must be answering back or disobeying their rules. You question senseless rituals – education has gone to your head. You haven’t been taught to adjust. Girls shouldn’t be allowed to study too much – they don’t adjust after that. You didn’t grow up in a joint family – you surely wouldn’t know how to adjust. You are younger – you must adjust.

I am as good as a boy/man. I won’t adjust. I have an MBA/B.E/ from a prestigious institution – I won’t adjust. I don’t believe in the boy/girl crap – I believe men and women are equal. I won’t adjust. I spent all my life studying and got this degree. I won’t adjust. I have a good job that brings in mega bucks – I won’t adjust. I am a feminist – I won’t adjust. Why should I be the only one to adjust?

I am sure each one of us can identify with at least one statement in the last two paragraphs, if not more. Truth be told, these are both extremes. The first paragraph speaks of the atrocities girls/women in an Indian society are made to tolerate in name of adjustment. Is that really adjustment? I believe it lies more in the realms of meek submission that is expected of them just because they happen to be females. The second paragraph portrays the picture of a rebellious, strong and independent woman.  But does it really? To me it says this person is shortsighted, selfish, arrogant and immature.

Adjustment is not all that bad. And it isn’t all that good either – depending on the circumstances and the intentions behind the expectation for adjustment. It is another noteworthy fact that all these expectations of adjustment are associated with women in our society. Similarly all the declarations of “I won’t adjust” will be frowned upon by many. The irony is that the same declarations will be meekly accepted if they were to come from a man. In fact, they would be offered on his behalf before he even opens his mouth. Therein lays the crux of the whole matter. Adjustment, on its own, is not a bad word or concept. Tying its expectation with just one gender in the society is. Patriarchy, which is formed on the foundation of all such concepts, is.

Adjustment, in any relationship, is the order of the day. No relationship can survive without it. But when that adjustment comes from one party only, the relationship cannot survive. Or if it does (because one partner is “adjusting”), it will definitely won’t be as fulfilling, as warm and as smooth as it can be. There will be tiny cracks and fractures in the relationship that may not be visible to the naked eye but will be felt by the people living that relationship. When the adjustment in a relationship comes at the cost of one partner’s happiness or contentment, that relationship is doomed. To each of us, there always will be (and should be), a few things that we will never compromise on. We should know where to draw the line in an adjustment game. A healthy relationship will honor those limits. E.g. I know I will adjust with anything in a relationship as long as it doesn’t challenge my core being, as long as I am not expected to let go of the opinions and values that define me. 

The adjustment one makes unwillingly when one is expected or required to do it is not a true adjustment. It is an imposition. It will result in resentment or unhappiness. On the other hand, absence of adjustment also spells disaster for a relationship. No two people can think and feel exactly the same way about everything. There will come a time in their relationship when they will disagree. The success of their relationship will depend on how well they handle disagreements, not on how well they agree with each other on other matters.  

To me, adjustment is not a four-letter word. I have adjusted plenty in my life. Sometimes out of compulsion but most times out of my own free will. So has my husband. We both recognize and appreciate the adjustments we have made to make our relationship stronger. Our relationship IS stronger because, instead of counting who made how many adjustments, we just adjusted when needed. He needed to study further to better his career prospects so he did - even though I wanted to study first to better my chances at landing a job. So I adjusted my dreams (not without protests though) for a short while. Now I am at a point where I can realize my own dreams with his full support. I can’t take much time off from work so he adjusts his work schedule to take care of childcare emergencies. It goes both ways in so many situations. Like the Hindi proverb says “Kabhi naav gadi par to kabhi gadi naav par” [Loosely translated it means “sometimes the boat is on the car and sometimes the car is on the boat”]. That’s adjustment.

Note: I wrote this post as an entry for the contest at Women's Web, 'The Great Adjustment Story'.

 

The Generation F

F, for Forgotten. I belong to it. I know a lot of other friends who do, too. A cousin recently lamented over the same thing - being forgotten. You automatically get included in this generation as soon as you move out of the country, away from all friends and family.

My membership to this exclusive club began in September '99. At first I didn't realize what was going on. Dollar-to-Rupee conversion and vice-versa convinced me that the high rates for phone calls were the reason no one called. Then the rates began dropping. Now, it is a comfortable single digit number per minute. Easily affordable. Still no calls. Most times only email invitations for weddings make their way to us. Sometimes only the information of a wedding trickles back to us. We do get loads of calls on birthdays and anniversaries from loving family members. Sometimes friends too. And for those, we are thankful. Festivals, for some reason, are altogether different.

We try to call all friends and family members on festivals. That can take over a week as there are loads of calls to be made but only so many hours during which to make them, due to the time difference. And during those times, sometimes, a poignant realization hits me - we are the only ones making these calls!! It has been extra tough since my dad passed away. Festivals are now a reminder of the days when we used to get a call/email/ecard from him. I try to call my mom and brother the night before (morning of, their time) and on the morning of (evening of that day, their time) - because I know they must be missing him too. And I like to believe that my calls provide them some comfort. But come evening (my time) on the day of, I am left alone to celebrate the occasion and to miss him. It hurts the most on those times. But I am getting used to it. I know I will eventually get to a point where I will be able to give without expecting to receive. That is called growing up, isn't it?

Somebody please save the Indian Male Child

... from becoming a weak, inefficient, non-productive member of the family. From becoming the man who cannot serve himself his food, or wash his clothes or even cook for himself. For his mother definitely won't!

Us Indian mothers have a propensity to mollycoddle our children. So much so that we sometimes feed our 30 year old sons by hand. I have seen plenty of example of sons being pampered by their mothers and aunts. I have firsthand experience too. Once I had a fight with one of my aunts because she suggested that the girls of the family get up earlier (than usual) and do their chores. No such thing was mentioned about the boys so when I asked her what the boys were supposed to do, my aunt said "Why would they do anything?" (my mom and her sisters had gathered at their brother's house during summer break. Us cousins had a great time - we were 5 or 6 girls and 2 boys). Boy! There was a BIG blowout between me and my aunt :P

Recently, we were at a dinner with friends where the kids ranged, in age, from 3 years (M - the youngest) to 11.5 years (S - the oldest). I served food for M and told S to serve herself. Another friend turned to her 10 year old son and said "Let me feed your brother and then I will serve food for you". I was flabbergasted! A 10 year old cannot serve himself some food when it is all laid out on the table?? The same boy once, while standing right next to the refrigerator, told her mom to keep his drink in the fridge, left the drink on the counter-top and walked away. The mom didn't even bat an eyelid! It didn't even occur to her to say "You are standing right next to the fridge - why don't you just open the door and pop it in?" He would have, if she had just said that. He is, otherwise, a quite helpful lad. He notices if someone needs help carrying stuff and offers to help all the time.

The thing is (I think) his mother doesn't think he should be helping out in the kitchen or it probably doesn't occur to her that he can serve himself food or make himself useful in the kitchen. After all, didn't we all grow up witnessing our brothers being handed their food, milk and water in their hands, not being asked to help around the kitchen AT ALL and not being expected to do anything around the house? It was the girls who were expected to help around the house. Boys just had to loll around and help only when big boxes needed to be carried. Fortunately, I was spared that kind of upbringing. In our family both my brother and I helped out as and when needed. So he could be found serving tea to the guests while I would be lugging their suitcases in.

Another friend feeds her 10 year old by hand if he fusses over the food. My mind boggles. And why is it that I see these moms doing these things only for their sons? The second friend I mentioned also has a 12 year old daughter. The daughter has been taught to serve herself and eat on her own. My sister in-law worries that she might never be able to take a full time job because then who will take care of her kids? Kids who are 9 and 15 years old! They should be able to serve and heat their own food. Or pour themselves milk. Or peel a banana. They shouldn't need a grandmother or a babysitter to hand them a glass of milk. My older daughter was pouring milk and making toasts for herself at 5. I would have taught the same things to a son. M, at 3.5 years of age, helps her sister set up the table, cleans up her toys, wipes up any spilled milk or water (which is a daily occurrence these days) and helps unload the dishwasher if allowed to do so. She would have been doing all this even if she were a "he".

One could say that it isn't really necessary to teach boys/kids to do chores around the house in India, since there are maids to do everything and it isn't really fair to have them do what we don't. It does seem to be a sound argument until we realize that one day these kids will start out on their own and then they might not have maids to do the work for them. At that time they will be better prepared with the training.

Why do these moms cripple their kids so? Don't they realize that they are doing their kids a BIG disservice by not allowing them to become independent individuals? I do feel a little reassured when I hear about a cousin's 7 year old son who rinses the dishes in the sink and loads the dishwasher. Or when I see the said cousin, my husband J, my own brother and a few other men in our friend circle pitching in equally to take care of the children or their houses and kitchens. I saw my father cook, clean, wash and do everything else that my mother did or could do. These men learned. Many do so once they are out of their parents' homes and not the recipients of their mothers' mollycoddling. Mostly, it becomes a matter of "do or die" so they "do". So will the boys of the younger generation. Their mothers can give them a headstart by teaching them now.

Weight-y matters

Note: I have cross-posted this at Stage Of Life, where I have recently started contributing as a featured writer.


I think there are very few people who are satisfied with their weight. Some want to lose weight while a few others need to gain some. I have seen a lot of articles on the importance of not talking about your weight in front of your kids. The latest was this one. With all due respect to the First Lady, and other parents who think along similar lines, I beg to differ. I'll explain why. 


My first instinct was to write how not talking to kids about weight is wrong. That we shouldn't just sweep all matters regarding weight under the carpet. Instead we should talk about weight, the healthy range of it and healthy habits to maintain it in the healthy range. Then I realized that I was looking at this issue from the other extreme end, similar to these parents. One extreme is not to talk to the kids about weight at all. The other is to overload them with talks about weight and its management.  I then attempted to understand where both opinions originate from.


I have seen and heard about parents who constantly monitor what their kids are eating and how much. One acquaintance often reminds her son, who is just 6 or 7 years old and is at a healthy weight, not to eat too much. Keeps pointing to kids who don't eat too much and telling him to "learn something from them". This kind of behavior is a sure way to eating disorders, or at least to shoddy eating habits once the kid is old enough to move away from the parent's control zone.


On the other end, I know parents who don't try, at all, to cultivate healthy eating habits in their kids. Some might make token efforts to stop their kids from eating unlimited junk food but there is no real, sincere effort to educate the kids about the impact of being overweight on their health or the importance of eating a healthy, balanced diet.


It is okay not to talk to your kids about losing weight if you are at a healthy weight or just slightly over weight. When people can see that you are, at the most, only a few pounds overweight, or in the normal weight range for your height, any whining/ cribbing/ conversation about you wanting to lose weight can only come across as vanity. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but it IS the truth. When I was at a healthy weight, or even slightly overweight and wanted to lose a few pounds, I did not whine or crib about it. I kept at my exercise and sensible eating habits and flaunted any lost weight or inches with new, pretty clothes. But I did not sigh about the 5 pounds I needed to lose or the flabby arms that I needed to tone. I did not obsessively watch every calorie I ate and did not switch over to "I cannot believe it's not butter" from real butter. When my older daughter's pediatrician told us that she ran a higher risk of being an obese adolescent because her weight, at the age of two, was above the 97th percentile on the growth charts, I did not immediately cut off all fats and sugars from her diet. Instead, I started offering her a few healthier options in addition to the junk that all kids are fond of eating - a cookie followed by a tomato, a cucumber along with a small serving of potato chips. I also cut back on her TV time slowly. I did not want her to lose any weight. I just wanted her to develop healthier eating habits and a taste for the healthy foods which, I was sure, would go a long way in helping her stay in a healthy weight range and develop healthy habits for life. I was proven right. She still loves all the junk food in the world, and eats it. But she knows the importance of balancing a junk snack with healthy meals and other healthy snacks through the day. I have dinned into her that moderation is the key. And she understands the importance of physical activity in maintaining a balanced life-style. 


Until three years ago, I never talked to her about my desire to lose weight. I focused and placed emphasis on healthy eating and exercise. Then I underwent four IUI's and two IVF's. The hormones I injected into myself during the IVF cycles made me gain 25 pounds in 2 months. Then pregnancy piled on another 25. This, when I was already slightly overweight. As a result, I am now firmly plonked in the "obese" category, despite having lost almost all the pregnancy weight. The IVF pounds, as I like to call them, love me very much. They don't want to leave me. They cling to me and make me a soft, cuddly, lovable (I wish!) person. 


In late 2008 I was diagnosed with hypertension and have been on blood pressure medication since then. I had Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy and am afraid that if I don't lose the weight, I will be saddled with Type 2 diabetes in just a matter of a few years. I carry a higher risk of stroke, heart disease, cancer and diabetes, among other things, because of my family history and weight. That is why I am trying to lose weight. I watch what I eat (maybe not enough). And I skip family dinners to go to the gym. When my daughter asks me why I don't eat dinner with the rest of the family any more, I tell her "because reaching a healthy weight is a higher priority for me and our family at this moment" and also tell her why this extra weight is not good for me. I list the risks I run by staying at this weight.


What I don't do is that I don't moan about my dress sizes or how I feel I look fat and ugly in anything I wear (yes, I have those days!) I don't starve myself to a thin body. And I definitely do not deprive myself of the foods I love to eat. (I am constantly struggling with portion sizes and getting better at it) Instead, I show her (by example) that I choose to eat a plate of salad before I go for that small piece of cake. And drag my ass to the gym even on days when I would rather lie down and die in the driveway.


I don't think sweeping our weight/health issues under the carpet does our kids any good. Even if we ARE at a healthy weight, how will not talking AT ALL about weight help our kids understand how to stay healthy? How will they know how to manage their weight and health and to avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy habits once they are on their own and not under our watch? Instead, I say, we should focus on talking about weight and health in a way that teaches them how to maintain their health by following an exercise program and a healthy diet. We should teach them the importance of staying healthy.


We all know that talking to our kids about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and contraception (in an age appropriate manner) will help them keep safe when they do become sexually active. Then why do we avoid talking to them about something that is much easier and less embarrassing to talk about and equally important? I do understand why some people believe we should not talk to our kids about weight at all. It is because if we stress on the wrong points, like dress sizes, then that is all they will associate it with.  If we don't talk about the health aspect of maintaining a healthy weight, then all they will equate it with is losing weight to look great . And if we don't tell them that the best way to lose/maintain a healthy weight is by a balanced diet and exercise, they will fall in the traps of senseless diets or eating disorders. But not talking about it is NOT the solution. The solution is to talk to them about why it is important to stay healthy and, sometimes, that might include talking about making efforts to reach a healthier weight.

It is nice when things work!

Last Friday, as I was coming home from work, I came up behind a city bus that runs the route that our home is on. It is a 30 mph zone and later turns into a 25 mph zone just about a mile from my home. This bus was doing somewhere between 38-41 mph. I followed it at a constant distance to see exactly how fast it was going. I was tempted to call up 911 and report the bus driver for reckless driving. Ours is a residential street, which means there are kids, dog walkers, walkers and runners going up and down the street. We have had our mailbox knocked right off the ground WITH its post and flung 20 meters by a speeding truck/bus (we don't know WHAT struck the mailbox, we just came home one day to find it lying 20 meters from where it was standing). However, I noted the bus number and then looked up the route information on the Transit company's website. From there I also got the Transit District's Administrator's email ID. I sent her (him?) the following email:

Hello L,

I have a concern regarding a Wheels bus, bus# xxx that was traveling on Route x between Walmart (at Route x) and Route y on Friday, August 6 2010 between 6.40 and 6.45 pm. 

This bus was traveling on W Road and I was right behind it starting from Walmart till A street. I felt it was going too fast so I followed it at a constant distance to get an estimate of the speed at which it was traveling. My car's speedometer registered 38 to 41 miles. This is a 25 mph zone. This really worries me as this is a residential street and also has two schools and a daycare on it. Buses traveling at such high speeds on this street pose a hazard to the residents, and specially the kids. I have seen other Wheels buses speed by on this road on other occasions as well.

Kindly consider this my formal complaint and take an action regarding this incident and inform me about what steps were taken to remedy this problem. You can call me at (xxx) xxx-xxxx if you have any further questions.

Thanks.

A concerned resident,

Cee Kay

Phone: (xxx) xxx-xxxx

This morning, just as I reached my office, I received a call from the Transit District Administrator's assistant. He told me that my complaint has been recorded and that he will talk with the bus driver. This is good!! I wasn't looking for a disciplinary action against the driver anyway. If I wanted that, I could have called 911. But if just a conversation or a warning will make the driver(s) drive more carefully, then that is all I want. I am impressed and happy that my complaint was taken seriously! One more reason for me to like the town that I live in.

Conversation startes

I recently got a friendship request on FB from a guy I studied with in high school. He also sent me a message. This:

"B K PAugust 2, 2010 at 6:57pm Subject: hi hi, b here. tum to moti ho gayi ho yaar.* bye, regards." (I have changed his name for privacy purposes) *Translation: You have grown fat, my friend!

So, no "How are you?" or "Where are you these days?". Instead a comment about a fact  that I am only too aware of. I mean, can you imagine anyone not being aware of their weight, be it under or over the normal range? How, or why is it acceptable to start a conversation with this gem - specially when you are getting back in touch with that person after 22 frigging years?Did you not grow up AT ALL during those 22 years to realize that this is NOT a polite thing to say? Well, he is not alone. I have had a fair share of such rude, nosy people.

Take the uncleji who came to express his condolences to us, 2 days after my dad passed away. I opened the door and the first comment out of his mouth was "Arrey, tum to bahut moti ho gayee ho?!" [Oh! You have grown so fat?!] Forget "I am so sorry for your loss" or "I hope he didn't suffer too long" or any such comment, however half hearted. Nope. His main concern was my weight. And his sister, who came with him, was concerned that I left my 1.5 year old daughter at home with my husband. Poor little girl - I should have brought her with me. And poor J! He had to take care of a toddler AND work full time -something I also do when J goes on business trips or trainings. But it is difficult for the men, you know! And you should NOT leave your kids behind. Usko to saath me laana tha (you should have brought at least her along). I bit my tongue to stop myself from asking her "And how is it YOUR business??"

An auntyji, who lives right across the street from my mom, uttered this when she first met me after I had M, my second daughter:

"Congratulations dear, on birth of your daughter! Don't worry, these days daughters are considered as good as sons". 2.5 years later, I still haven't recovered from the WTF-ness of that comment. I swear I was SMILING my broadest smile when I met her so there could have been NO mistake regarding how I felt about having two daughters. 

This is the same auntyji whose son came over to our house, long back - more than 20 years ago - to give some advise to my PARENTS. My parents were as old as HIS parents (just for perspective before I narrate his "advise"). He advised my parents not to send me to a co-ed college (I was planning to sign up for the Electronics-Math-Physics stream at the local science college which had opened its doors to girls only a few years ago) My dad, I believe, was not around. Only mom met him. She asked him his reasons (yeah, she is a MUCH nicer person than I am!) and he said "Ladkiyan bigad jati hain" [Girls get "spoiled" - yeah, girls are like milk or eggs or tomatoes in case you didn't know] My mom explained to him that girls get "spoiled" even when (and if) they are kept behind seven locked doors - if they so want. She said "We don't think keeping her behind locked doors - or sending her to an all-girls' college would help if she did want to fall into wrong company". She then thanked him for his concern and sent him away. Then she and Pa proceeded to help me fill out forms and go to the co-ed college. Later they helped me go to another co-ed college in another state. The concerned neighbor had probably given up hope on them ever seeing the light so he didn't try to talk them out of that! I don't know what he thought about me choosing my life partner while doing my Master's in Indore. I know for sure that he didn't try to talk my parents out of "allowing" me to marry the man of my choice. Oh, but others did! Just so you know :)

So, now back to what I was venting about. Rude people. Stupid people. People who have a serious I-don't-know-when-or-how-to-shut-up disorder. One of them told me, on more than one occasion, that I should try and lose weight. His friend's wife had! "Dunno what she did, but she stopped eating for a while and lost a lot of weight. Now she really looks very nice" - he said. Then one day he told me I really needed to learn how to keep my house clean. Why? Because the sink was full after we had all had a meal with two veggies and a daal plus a sweet dish. (I didn't have a dishwasher) And I think the counter was also cluttered with all the spices etc. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he is not one of the friends I regularly exchange pleasantries with through email and phone calls.

I even remember an old hag commenting "She is SO FAT and she is still having lactation problems?" after I had my first daughter. As these comments come back to me, I am amazed at how, ALL my life, I have been plagued with idiots. People commenting on my weight, people commenting on my inability to nurse my daughters, people commenting on my inability to conceive the second time around, people commenting on my complexion. An old female relative's reply to my "namaste" when we met after more than 3 years? "She is fairer now!!" Wow! Thank you!! My life's ambition has been fulfilled!

One uncleji said to me, when I showed him photos from my engagement "Ek baat to hai - ladka apni ladki se jyada achchha dikhta hai" [One thing is for sure - the boy looks way better than our girl (yours truly)] My reply was "Just goes to show who is smarter". He was left saying "he he he" for some time. But WHY should I have to defend myself? Or put someone else down to deflect the insult??

Because of these idiots, I suffered from a complex all my life. At 52 kgs I thought I was fat! Now, I regret at having lost all those years to those complexes when I could have enjoyed myself better. Thankfully I don't suffer from those now. I even tell people to take a hike every now and then. Suggest a scenic route that ends right above a beautiful lake full of sharks. And tell them to take a flying leap into that lake.

My reply to that "friend" on FB?

Cee Kay August 2 at 11:33am

Hmmmm...

And your point is??

You find me after, what, 22 years and that is all you could think of saying? Really?! Wow!! Good conversation skills! Way to go!!

I am DONE taking insults! No more Ms. Nice n Smiley.

Note: I am almost scared in asking this, because I know this might bring forth a barrage of unpleasant memories - but do share your experiences in the comments section. Let's cuss these idiots out and vent some anger and frustration in a safe, friendly environment :D