What's in a hug?

You know, when life sucker-punched you in the face and everything that could go wrong, did?
There’s a hug for that.

When you just get beat down with one problem after another and can’t get a moment to catch your breath?
There’s a hug for that.

When you are so tired from the constant juggling and running and managing of schedules that dropping dead seems like an appealing solution?
There’s a hug for that.

When life plonks you smack-dab in the middle of a hopeless situation and you see no way out?
Yeah, there’s a hug for that.

When your worries are dragging you down, inch by inch, away from the happy perch that you earlier clawed yourself up to?
There’s a hug for that too.

When people you depended on or trusted, are no longer dependable or trustable?
There better be a hug for that!

But best of all – when you just want a hug, and nothing but a hug?
There IS a hug for that!


I came across the “Free Hugs Campaign” quite accidentally – I don’t remember where or how. But it drives home the truth that doesn’t normally register on our minds – a simple hug carries such a therapeutic power in it. Have you ever had a day when you just craved for a tender human touch? For a friend to give you a squeeze and say “It’s gonna be alright”? Or for someone to just fold you into their arms and hold you for a while? I have had many of those days in the past few months. I am lucky to have a few very special people in my life who dole out hugs on a regular basis as well as on special demand. But there are occasions when I need a hug and still don’t want to have to ask for it. (What? A girl is allowed that!!) On those days I wish

a) My loved ones had “Cee needs a hug” sensors, OR
b) Someone was running a Free Hugs campaign in my neighborhood.

Yeah I am silly like that. And I pay for it by not getting hugs when I most need them.

This is how I feel at times

I grew up in a "hug-less" environment but I knew I was loved. My parents didn’t show their affection in physical ways but they never missed an opportunity to let me and my brother know that they loved us very much. So, it was very late in life that I realized the power that a simple hug carries in it. But, I still can’t bring myself to hug people randomly, no matter how close I am to them. J and the girls are an exception – I think I must suffocate them with the hugs I bestow upon them. I have hugged my best friend of 11 years on occasions that I can count on the fingers of one hand. We joke about it. I wish I could just reach out and hug her when we meet or when we leave after meeting but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I often wonder why I am this way, but haven’t been able to figure it out.

It could be my fear of rejection (yes I have that) but that is silly, isn’t it? How would someone reject a hug? Especially someone who, I know, cares about me. Beats me. Who can figure out the ways of a Crazy Cee? At least not a Cee. Do you have any insights?

So, coming to the original question – what’s in a hug? A hug can be a means to show that you care. It has therapeutic powers, no doubt.  But also some apprehension, self-doubt and fear of rejection apparently (for me). Oh, and according to some articles I found online, some signals, innuendos, opportunities etc. too :)

Note: When I was searching for answers to my question "What's in a hug?", I came across a post bearing the same title by another blogger. Since I had already typed my whole post out, I didn't change the title of mine. Do read this post - very well written.

But you said...

“But you said…”

“Yes, I know. But things have changed”

“But you promised!”

“I know darling! But, you know, things are different now”

“All I know is that you PROMISED!”

“Listen, I… See. I can’t, anymore…”

“I thought you’d keep your word”

“I always do. It’s just…”

“No you don’t! You aren’t keeping it NOW!”

“You HAVE to understand. Please understand”

“I understand. But still, you promised. Wasn’t it you who taught me to 

Say what I mean and mean what I say?”

“Yes, and now I want you to

Do as I say and not as I do!”

Weight-y matters

Note: I have cross-posted this at Stage Of Life, where I have recently started contributing as a featured writer.


I think there are very few people who are satisfied with their weight. Some want to lose weight while a few others need to gain some. I have seen a lot of articles on the importance of not talking about your weight in front of your kids. The latest was this one. With all due respect to the First Lady, and other parents who think along similar lines, I beg to differ. I'll explain why. 


My first instinct was to write how not talking to kids about weight is wrong. That we shouldn't just sweep all matters regarding weight under the carpet. Instead we should talk about weight, the healthy range of it and healthy habits to maintain it in the healthy range. Then I realized that I was looking at this issue from the other extreme end, similar to these parents. One extreme is not to talk to the kids about weight at all. The other is to overload them with talks about weight and its management.  I then attempted to understand where both opinions originate from.


I have seen and heard about parents who constantly monitor what their kids are eating and how much. One acquaintance often reminds her son, who is just 6 or 7 years old and is at a healthy weight, not to eat too much. Keeps pointing to kids who don't eat too much and telling him to "learn something from them". This kind of behavior is a sure way to eating disorders, or at least to shoddy eating habits once the kid is old enough to move away from the parent's control zone.


On the other end, I know parents who don't try, at all, to cultivate healthy eating habits in their kids. Some might make token efforts to stop their kids from eating unlimited junk food but there is no real, sincere effort to educate the kids about the impact of being overweight on their health or the importance of eating a healthy, balanced diet.


It is okay not to talk to your kids about losing weight if you are at a healthy weight or just slightly over weight. When people can see that you are, at the most, only a few pounds overweight, or in the normal weight range for your height, any whining/ cribbing/ conversation about you wanting to lose weight can only come across as vanity. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but it IS the truth. When I was at a healthy weight, or even slightly overweight and wanted to lose a few pounds, I did not whine or crib about it. I kept at my exercise and sensible eating habits and flaunted any lost weight or inches with new, pretty clothes. But I did not sigh about the 5 pounds I needed to lose or the flabby arms that I needed to tone. I did not obsessively watch every calorie I ate and did not switch over to "I cannot believe it's not butter" from real butter. When my older daughter's pediatrician told us that she ran a higher risk of being an obese adolescent because her weight, at the age of two, was above the 97th percentile on the growth charts, I did not immediately cut off all fats and sugars from her diet. Instead, I started offering her a few healthier options in addition to the junk that all kids are fond of eating - a cookie followed by a tomato, a cucumber along with a small serving of potato chips. I also cut back on her TV time slowly. I did not want her to lose any weight. I just wanted her to develop healthier eating habits and a taste for the healthy foods which, I was sure, would go a long way in helping her stay in a healthy weight range and develop healthy habits for life. I was proven right. She still loves all the junk food in the world, and eats it. But she knows the importance of balancing a junk snack with healthy meals and other healthy snacks through the day. I have dinned into her that moderation is the key. And she understands the importance of physical activity in maintaining a balanced life-style. 


Until three years ago, I never talked to her about my desire to lose weight. I focused and placed emphasis on healthy eating and exercise. Then I underwent four IUI's and two IVF's. The hormones I injected into myself during the IVF cycles made me gain 25 pounds in 2 months. Then pregnancy piled on another 25. This, when I was already slightly overweight. As a result, I am now firmly plonked in the "obese" category, despite having lost almost all the pregnancy weight. The IVF pounds, as I like to call them, love me very much. They don't want to leave me. They cling to me and make me a soft, cuddly, lovable (I wish!) person. 


In late 2008 I was diagnosed with hypertension and have been on blood pressure medication since then. I had Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy and am afraid that if I don't lose the weight, I will be saddled with Type 2 diabetes in just a matter of a few years. I carry a higher risk of stroke, heart disease, cancer and diabetes, among other things, because of my family history and weight. That is why I am trying to lose weight. I watch what I eat (maybe not enough). And I skip family dinners to go to the gym. When my daughter asks me why I don't eat dinner with the rest of the family any more, I tell her "because reaching a healthy weight is a higher priority for me and our family at this moment" and also tell her why this extra weight is not good for me. I list the risks I run by staying at this weight.


What I don't do is that I don't moan about my dress sizes or how I feel I look fat and ugly in anything I wear (yes, I have those days!) I don't starve myself to a thin body. And I definitely do not deprive myself of the foods I love to eat. (I am constantly struggling with portion sizes and getting better at it) Instead, I show her (by example) that I choose to eat a plate of salad before I go for that small piece of cake. And drag my ass to the gym even on days when I would rather lie down and die in the driveway.


I don't think sweeping our weight/health issues under the carpet does our kids any good. Even if we ARE at a healthy weight, how will not talking AT ALL about weight help our kids understand how to stay healthy? How will they know how to manage their weight and health and to avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy habits once they are on their own and not under our watch? Instead, I say, we should focus on talking about weight and health in a way that teaches them how to maintain their health by following an exercise program and a healthy diet. We should teach them the importance of staying healthy.


We all know that talking to our kids about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and contraception (in an age appropriate manner) will help them keep safe when they do become sexually active. Then why do we avoid talking to them about something that is much easier and less embarrassing to talk about and equally important? I do understand why some people believe we should not talk to our kids about weight at all. It is because if we stress on the wrong points, like dress sizes, then that is all they will associate it with.  If we don't talk about the health aspect of maintaining a healthy weight, then all they will equate it with is losing weight to look great . And if we don't tell them that the best way to lose/maintain a healthy weight is by a balanced diet and exercise, they will fall in the traps of senseless diets or eating disorders. But not talking about it is NOT the solution. The solution is to talk to them about why it is important to stay healthy and, sometimes, that might include talking about making efforts to reach a healthier weight.

A good start,

this.


"The Obama Administration announced plans today to hold a Forum on Workplace Flexibility on March 31st at the White House. The President and First Lady will discuss the importance of creating workplace practices that allow America’s working men and women to meet the demands of their jobs without sacrificing the needs of their families." says a press release on the Whitehouse website. 


It is needless to say that a discussion on this is badly needed. That would be a start, not a solution. But to reach a solution, someone needs to start talking about the problem.


I am lucky enough that my current boss understands the need for urgent absences from work to deal with family matters like sickness of a child, among many others. I joined my current job on September 8th, 2009. In less than a month, S developed a severe reaction to antibiotics (Augmentin - from Amoxycilin family) that were prescribed to her to deal with a secondary infection she had developed on the site of an eczema rash. Due to some stupid decision form the doctor who was treating her at the time, the reaction got worse. As a result S spent more than two months suffering terribly from the rash. And I had to leave work on multiple occasions to go administer some medicine or to take her to the doctor's for an emergency visit. If my boss hadn't been sympathetic and understanding, I would definitely have lost the job. After all, my last job had taught me that taking time off for personal reasons, time that I had earned with my hard work, will go against me when it came to measuring performance.


It is no secret that I underwent IVF to conceive the second time. Infertility treatment is an aggressive regimen that requires money, emotional and mental strength and time. I needed to go to the clinic almost every other day for the numerous blood tests and ultrasound scans, which used to be generally scheduled first thing in the morning. But it meant I would be half hour to an hour late for work on those days. I wasn't looking for charity or to be let off easily but my boss at that time wouldn't agree to let me come i an hour late and work until an hour after my usual time on those days. Our offices stayed open till 7.30 pm so it would not have been a great problem for him to allow me to do so. Instead he made me take half a day off every time I needed such a procedure. As a result I had only 5 or so days of paid time off (out of 21) left by the end of September. On more than one occasion, I got a lecture from him on how it was better for him because his wife was home full time so he didn't have to worry about running off at odd times (even though he did!). And that if I had "so many family issues" I should choose between family and work. I should really decide which one is more important for me. I hope no one ever has to make that choice. And then I got an official memo from the HR to explain why I hadn't managed my paid time off properly.


After my maternity leave of three months was up I returned to work. My parents who had come to help me out with the baby left when she was about 7 months old. As soon as the baby started going to the daycare, she started coming down with back to back ear infections. That time was the toughest in our lives. I would often be called from the daycare to come pick her up because she was running a fever. My previous boss had left the company and the new boss was fairly understanding. But the company policies were still the same. I had to apply for special unpaid days given my circumstances. Half of those unpaid days could have been avoided if the company had just had a policy to let its employees work from home. I believe this also became one of the factors in the decision that the company later took to let me go even though I had more than proven my competency to handle the job.


My point behind this rambling is - no matter what kind of job you work in, life happens, emergencies happen. It doesn't have to be only kids. It could be aging parents. The employee's own, or spouse's, health. Usually an employer can find ways to make things a little easier for the employees but most times they don't. I believe making laws to mandate this kind of consideration might backfire in the long run. Instead starting a conversation to understand the issues might help generate, in businesses, the effort to find the balance between demanding efficiency and being considerate towards difficult circumstances that their employees are facing.


I and my husband both work full time. We both juggle our schedules to be able to take care of our kids. I have full support and cooperation of my husband when emergencies need to be dealt with. Even with his support, I sometimes find it difficult to keep all the balls in the air. Imagine how tough it must be for single parents or for those who don't have the convenience of flexible timings. This goes for anyone who is working, not only those who have kids. Many times efforts to create workplace flexibility are met with resistance because single people and those who don't have kids think that those who do (have kids) get off easy just because of that. I think workplace flexibility should be available to everyone because, you know, even people without kids can have emergencies. If you work, it doesn't (and shouldn't) mean that you cease to have life outside of it.

If I knew then what I know now

I would have

1. Ran away

2. Not agreed

3. Not said yes

4. Fought more

1.

I would have ran away and lived in a hostel instead of sucking it up at my uncle and aunt's. It wasn't only mental and emotional torture I went through at their hands. They successfully stopped my career from even taking off by stopping me from following promising opportunities that came my way. I can't blame them though - they only did what I allowed them to do.

2.

I wouldn't have agreed to J's "suggestions" of not getting a job anywhere away from my parents' home because he thought that would help us convince his parents to let us get married. His parents would have agreed no matter what because if he really did want to marry me, he would have stuck to his guns (which he did, BTW). I can't blame him because I did not put my foot down or think it through before agreeing.

3.

I would not have said "yes" to J's dad's condition that I won't work after getting married if I wanted to marry his son. As I said, if J wanted to marry me, he would have stuck to his guns and his parents would have had to agree anyway. I can't blame J's dad because I accepted the condition wholeheartedly. 

4.

I would have fought more with J to go back to study when things were simpler for us and we HAD the money to spare, however little. He thought other things were more important for us or that I should ask my company to pay for the courses I wanted to take. I couldn't make my company do it and then the time for it was gone. Now we don't have the time OR the money. I can't blame J for it though. I knew how important it was for me, J didn't. I should have fought more.

I am struggling heavily with all these demons from my past. Demons of MY bad decisions. Like I told J last night - it is MY life and I am responsible for my decisions. ALL my life I thought of others. Thought of how it would affect my parents if I ran away. Thought of how I should stand by J in trying to convince his parents. I should have had the sense to realize that if it took this much sacrifice from me to convince them, the decision WILL come back to haunt me some day. Why am I writing this down? So, one day, when (or IF) my daughters are ever in a similar situation where they need to make a life altering decision, they'd read this and think a bit more before deciding anything. I hope they grow up to have more sense and awareness than I did.

I think...

...it is time I stopped blaming various elements from my past for ruining my chances at having a decent career and took charge of my future. What say?

But how?

I know I need more certifications (due to the lack of professional experience) to beef up my resume. I even attended a training in mid-august after which I could have easily cleared the certification for that technology but right around that time I got a job offer and had to join that job in quite a haste. I just got one week to put my affairs in order - finding childcare being the main one. Now my routine is hectic and I barely get enough time to cook, clean (some) and do some exercise. The exercise, I feel, is the most important and most required part of my routine. I need to get back in shape if I don't want to land with various ailments as I get older. My biggest fear is that I will develop diabetes if I don't lose some weight fast.

This is my general routine:

6.30 am - wake up. Get ready for work. Pack lunches etc.

7.55 am - Out the door. Drop S off at her school then drop M off at her daycare.

8.30 am - Arrive at work.

8.30 am - 5.30 pm - Work, work, work (and exchange a few emails with some friends)

5.30 pm - Leave for home.

6.15 pm - Get home. Start cooking dinner. Make and pack lunches for the next day.

8.00 pm - Go to the gym. This is an iffy part. Some days I can't manage to go.

9.15 pm - Get back from gym. Eat dinner. Watch a TV program (or half). Clean up the kitchen. Make list for the next day - what to pack in whose lunch bag etc.

10.30 pm - Take a shower. Check email. Blog. Clean up a little around the house if I am feeling up to it.

11.30 pm - Get in bed.

Repeat Monday to Friday.

Now the only time I can take out to study is the hour long lunch break that I get at work. Will try that. It is like a vicious circle - I can't get work if I don't study and I can't study if I work. And I can study only if I am earning something to be able to pay the tuition. What a mess!!

Being an advocate for your child

Kiran of KarmicKids came up with the idea ofdedicating March as a "Learning Disabilities Month" in our little corner of the blogworld. I already wrote about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), how it is related to Learning Disabilities and how it is different from them. This post is on how we can help our kids by being their advocates.

Disclaimer: I have put together these posts with help of online research. I am NOT an expert on the matter. These are just my personal views. If you have any concerns that your child might have a learning disorder, please voice them to your child's doctor immediately.

When S was little, she had run ins with a few kids who would bully her. I was too timid at that time to correct the bullies because I thought disciplining other people's kids was not my job or my place. And I sincerely believed that all parents wanted their kids to behave well and so they would stop their kids from bullying others. What a fool I was!! Over time, and with experience, I have learned that is not always the case. I have to discipline other people's kids if they hurt my child and if their own parents are turning a blind eye. I owe it to my kids. If I won't protect them, then who would? And not all parents are as obsessed with good behavior as I am.

I have had a few arguments over this topic with a few friends. One says it is her job to step in to negotiate/manage a situation whenever her child is being bullied/picked on. A few others say they totally believe in teaching their kid to hit back when he/she is bullied. Now I don't agree with any of them. I don't disagree completely either. It is my job to step in until my child is old enough to learn to stand up for herself. And it is my job to help my child learn how to resolve such situations without being mean or nasty. That, I think, is a good life skill to have. And I definitely think every child should know self-defence for extreme situations. I certainly do not think it is appropriate of me to tell my child to hit back everytime she is hit or bulllied. I think that should be reserved for when everything else fails.

I have learned one thing as a mom. That a parent is the only advocate a child has. Everywhere. On the playground. At a party where another kid is subtly picking up on her and the parents of that kid are studiously ignoring their child's behavior. At school.

All of us know that if our child is ever diagnosed to have learning disabilities, he/she will need our staunch support to get through school. All the support we can give him/her, all our understanding and love. All our patience. All our courage - in defending him from well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning teachers. And surprising as it may sound, even if our kid is among the top five in the class, he/she still needs us to be their advocate. I learned that the hard way. And I mean to share my experience here just in case it might help someone else. I will also share a few resources about being an advocate for a child with learning disabilities.

S has always been good at academics. We have always gotten glowing reviews from her teachers, right from pre-school. She has always been ahead of her grade level in reading, writing and math. So one would think that a teacher would recognize that intelligence and recommend her for an advanced program if she qualified, right? Wrong! S' school has an Academically Talented program for kids who are ahead of the rest of the class. I always thought she would get recommended if she was good enough for the program and if she didn't that would mean she doesn't really qualify. That is why I never really worried that she never got a recommendation. But in fourth grade, her teacher raved about how S should be in the AT program and how she didn't understand why she wasn't in it when so many other kids who were, didn't really deserve to be in there. She assured us that she will recommend S when the time came. The time came and went. I assumed in good faith that the teacher will keep her word. She didn't. Then, very conveniently, shrugged it off saying "The deadline is gone". That is when I realized that even if my child is a 120% eligible for something I cannot depend on someone else to help her get it unless I become her vocal and alert advocate. I mean, why would the teacher go out of her way and create more paperwork for herself by recommending a child whose parent doesn't bother to hound her? That was a big lesson learnt. I am sure M is going to benefit more because by the time she gets to kindergarten I will be a pro at this advocacy thing :P

A child with learning disabilities needs an advocate more than anyone else. Teachers and caretakers would just as easily recommend the child be pumped full of drugs to make him/her more manageable instead of putting in time and effort to manage his behavior. I am sorry for this harsh judgment because I know there are still many dedicated teachers and caretakers out there who wouldn't take this route. But it is because of those who take the easy way out instead of working with the child that I have formed this opinion.

As this article mentions it isn't always with malicious reasons that your child may be deprived of the help and support he/she needs. It may be because there aren't enough resources or maybe he/she fell through the cracks because the teacher was overwhelmed with other high-maintenance kids. We have to make sure that our child gets the help he/she needs when it is required. No matter how many times we have to send that reminder, no matter that we have to make a pest of ourselves in front of school administration by insisting our child be evaluated/helped a zillion times, no matter what else.

Another thing I have learnt in the past few years is assertiveness. Assertiveness is a quality one needs in HUGE doses to be an advocate to one's kids. Again, I learnt this from personal experience. Here is an article that talks about how to be assertive. I think this can help ANYBODY, whether or not they have children with LDs. Assertiveness is a good quality to have in any situation.

And finally, here is another article that talks about why we need to be advocates for our kids and how we can do it.

Please don't talk to me

Last night I went to Stop and Shop. They have introduced a new toy gadget for shoppers. You go in, scan your store card and pick up a hand scanner and a few bags. As you go around the store, you pick up things you want to buy, scan them with the hand scanner and put them directly in the bag. When you are done, you go to a checkout counter, which could even be a self checkout counter, scan a bar code that says "End transaction" or something like that, return the hand scanner to a holder, pay and leave with the stuff that you have already bagged. It can be a real time saver when a person gets used to it. The self checkout counters used to be my favorites, but now this little toy is on my "Toys of the Year" list. Oh, but I digress.

Using the hand scanner set me thinking - this is ANOTHER way not to interact with anyone. Time was, one would go to a Mom and Pop store, bring the things they wanted to buy to the person behind the counter and pay for it. While the transaction was taking place, they would chat about the weather, what's happening, what's new and what's not. Then the small stores got replaced by the Super Stores. The checkout clerks got busier but they would still talk to you. Then came the self-checkout counters. Now you just go to one, scan your stuff and pay for it without the help of anyone. You occasionally need help and there are store employees around to help. You see the trend here? We are saving time by not talking to people! We are still doing the shopping, the scanning, the paying. All the saved time comes from not having to talk to anyone. Not that I mind.

S' school system has an inclement weather information system. One can check online, on a TV channel or call a phone number to find out if schools are closed or delayed due to snow. I love the online system. Just open a website and see if the schools are closed or delayed.

Personal banking is going the same way. I can deposit a check, withdraw money, check my balance, deposit cash - ALL from an ATM kiosk of my bank. I can pay bills online and transfer money too. Don't need to talk to no bank teller!

When we were going on our trip to India in December, I put our mail on hold ONLINE! Imagine! No need to go to the local post office to fill out that little card that you needed to turn in if you wanted your mail to be held. That way you don't have to talk to the nice man behind the counter who would definitely have said "Oh what a beautiful baby you have there!" upon seeing your 18 month old. I did have to call our newspaper company to put our newspaper delivery on hold (Note to self: remind the newspaper to "grow" with the times)

I have tons of online friends too. I exchange emails with them all day long. As I was just telling my mom the other day - I hate talking over the phone. If I call you every other day (mom, you reading this? :P), imagine how much I must love you! Never mind that I don't say it.

So that, in a nutshell, is what is becoming of us. We are turning into anti-social but efficient beings. And I believe I am leading the way. Do remember I love you, but don't call me. Email me!

Of respect in relationships: Friendship

S has been having some problems with a friend of hers. Some time ago I would have said they are "good" friends but lately I have been questioning that. The said "friend" (lets call her A) tries to boss S around and when she stands up for herself (a relatively new skill for which I am very proud of her), A gets nasty and says hurtful things to S. She also says hurtful and untrue things about S behind her back to other girls. When S steps back from the friendship A apologizes, is nice for a few days (or hours) and then the cycle repeats. S is also getting tired of this routine. I have been trying my best not to dictate what S should do - or what I think S should do, which is to sever all ties with this girl. One day she is all determined to cut the friendship off when she is smarting from the latest insult A has thrown at her, the next day she is feeling sorry for A because she doesn't have any friends. This girl is so obnoxious that she really doesn't have too many friends. And the girls (and boys) who ARE friends with her are subject to the same treatement and are wary of her. One girl's mother has forbidden all contact between the two girls which is feasible for her since the two girls are not in the same class and are going to be in different middle schools next year.

All this while I have been coaching S in what to say and how to stand up for herself without being nasty in return. Now, I have had friends disagree with me on this but I sincerely believe if S can learn the skills to stand up for herself without being nasty or mean, it would be for her own good. She will need those skills when she goes out in the big bad world - where she will definitely need to work with all sorts of people. A little diplomacy in expressing her feelings will go a long way for S then - that is what I feel. I certainly don't want her to be all nice and sweet in all situations - I just want her to resort to nastiness as a last option. I want her to have a backbone and claws but I also want her to keep her claws sheathed until it is absolutely necessary to go on a full frontal attack.

I have had a good friend also disagree with me on whether I should force S to break her friendship with A. I say no, she says yes and she has already told her daughter not to keep any contact with A. She says, as a mom, it is her responsibility to protect her daughter from such "friends" and to make sure she (the daughter) doesn't unnecessarily go through the heartbreak of being in an abusive friendship. I respect her opinion, and respectfully disagree with her too. I feel these are life's little opportunities for S to learn how to stand up for herself and how to work at creating healthy relationships. ALL relationships need hard work. No relationship can survive if the people involved are not putting in a sincere effort. And, in all healthy relationships, respect flows both ways. It should and if it isn't, I would term that relationship as deficient, if not outright abusive. I also feel S should learn when and how to end a relationship. It is a hard thing to learn. I haven't been able to do that yet. I sometimes wonder if it is unreasonable of me to expect a 10 year old to learn what I haven't been able to, in 38+ years. But I believe by giving her an early start, and full understanding and support, I am giving her the chance I never got at learning this.

There is no point behind this post of mine. I am just trying to sort my thoughts on this. A's mom has become a good friend and has helped me a lot on many occasions. I have thought about talking to her about A's behavior towards S but have decided against it for a few reasons.

1. I am a complete chicken.

2. I want S to resolve this on her own, one way or the other. I do not want to step in because I see her learning to deal with such sticky situations herself and I also see her confidence growing.

3. How do you go to a good friend and say "I am sorry but your daughter is obnoxious!!"?

MY concern is how to let S distance herself from A without distancing myself from A's mom? Why am I worried about this friendship? Because I have learnt that children may fight like cats and dogs one day but get along fabulously on another day. And that children grow and change. So I hope A will change a little, or that S will learn how to maintain this friendship without getting bulldozed by A. I do admire many qualities of A's and do feel that both girls can benefit from each other. Also, I believe it is easier to break a relationship than to keep it going and super-difficult to mend it after breaking it. So one should break a relationship if, and only if, one is a 110% sure about doing it.

I have had some friendships that have taken a long time in developing and some are still a little shaky. But I still keep giving them "some more time". Not because I am an undecisive fool, but because I believe a beautiful, life-long friendship could emerge out of these relationships if they get enough time and effort. But I am also strong enough now to not let these relationships hurt me if they don't go the right way. I think I am capable of breaking ties if someone seriously hurts me. In fact, I think I always keep a thin shell aorund me to protect myself from any potential hurts. Just prior experience which resulted into this habit.

One thing that I have noticed is lack of respect in some friendships. Even in adult friendships. People take their friends for granted. Expect favors, but don't return them. Are rude because they CAN. Or under the guise of being their friend's well-wisher. The biggest issue I have seen is lack of appreciation. If someone does something for you, you just shrug it off saying "Oh, I would have done the same thing for him/her".

My father's death has made me take a deeper look within myself for many reasons. One of the reasons was HIS friendships and relationshsips. He, and my mom, have a huge social circle. Pa used to remember everyone's anniversaries, birthdays and other small things like their kids' likes and dislikes. He would email or call people on every little occasion. He was our link to the rest of the family. And because of him, we had so much support after he was gone. In the days after his funeral, I and my brother were surrounded by at least 12 first cousins. They were there because Pa kept everyone in our lives. Ma has played a part in all this too - all my life I have seen my parents house some kid or other while they study in some college/school in Jodhpur. Ma loved feeding people. If friends visited us at lunch or dinner time, they were treated to a sumptuous meal - no matter how last minute their arrival was. Together, Ma and Pa have built such a strong support-net for us. I hope I can leave a similar net for my kids one day. And I believe the first step to that is respecting my friends for what they do for me, and how they love and care for me. At the same time I will remember that I deserve the same respect from them and if I don't get it then maybe it is time to trim that part of my friendship tree.

Where do I fit?

As far as hard-core feminists go, I probably am not a contender to be one. I agreed to my father-in-law's condition that I stay at home in order to marry his son. That is, I agreed not to work outside of home. I took my husband's last name. I stayed at home after my first daughter was born. Because I wanted to. I like to cook and "keep house". And, *gasp* I wear a bra!! Okay, the last one was my feeble attempt at humor.

But the fact is, if you look at my actions and decisions in the last decade and a half, I don't come across as a feminist. Yes, I made one choice that I regret - gave in to an unreasonable demand that I won't work outside of home. Apart from that, I don't regret any other decisions I made. Yet I believe that I AM a feminist.

You see, I believe feminism is not about working outside of home, or about keeping your name. It isn't even about not letting men open doors for you or giving up a seat for you in the bus. I think feminism is about choice. Being able to choose. As simple as that.

So I can choose to stay at home to look after my kids while my husband goes out to earn, because I believe that is the best thing for my family. Or I can choose to work and to send my kids to a daycare, if I believe that is what will benefit me and my family. Or I can stay home because I HAVE to - maybe the finances don't permit me to send the kids to the daycare or due to some medical condition my kid has due to which I am not comfortable sending her to daycare. As long as the decision is mine. As long as it is not imposed upon me. As long as I don't stay home because "that is what daughters in law of this family do". Sometimes these decisions cannot, and should not, be taken in isolation. Both partners have to make a joint decision. But as long as one partner's wish is not being imposed on the other, it should be fine.

Yet, I have seen so many males proudly proclaiming that they are very "open minded and forward thinking" because they insist their wife work outside of home. Or women admitting proudly they don't do anything around the house because, well because they are "educated" and "not like those women who stay home". I have a second cousin who refused to marry into a family because she did not want to do any house chores and they couldn't afford a full-time maid. I have seen people proudly say "Oh, we will let our daughter-in-law work outside the house if she wants to". I agree that it is pretty mature of them to do so, keeping in mind that there are countless others who stifle their daughters in law for the sake of their false pride. But is it really being "open minded"? That you "allow" your daughter in law to work? Isn't assuming that you can allow, or disallow an adult, quite contrary to being open minded and forward thinking??

And then, it gets tricky in my mind. You see, I also know and accept that the sexes are not biologically equal. Does that make me anti-feminism? That I accept my gender's limitations? I am not saying my gender should be discriminated against on this basis. So just because women are the (physically) weaker sex, doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed in mines or on battlefields or aboard spaceships. Equality of sexes, to me, means both sexes should be given an equal opportunity to try things. So, yes, a woman should be given a chance to opt for Mining as her major in engineering college. AND a man should be give an opportunity to be a stay-at-home dad if he wants to. Equality means both sexes should have same legal, financial and political rights. You get paid according to the effort you put in. You get a job if you can prove you are capable of doing it.

And no one, NO ONE, has the right to judge you on the basis of the choices you made.

A pretty confused, and confusing, post as has been the norm lately. I started out with a different train of thoughts and ended up with this. This has left me dissatisfied with the outcome but I will post it anyway.

A field trip and a few questions

Warning: A jumbled post ahead. Read at the risk of getting a migraine!

S went on a Team building field trip with her class this Monday to the YMCA in a town about 27 miles from here. Parents volunteered to drive the kids to and from there. Most field trips are like that - parents volunteer to chaperon or drive. I got laid off from my job last month so I grabbed this opportunity to go on a field trip with my daughter and get to see her classmates, to see how she interacts with them and to generally be with her.

There were two instructors who led the entire class through some fun games and activities that also help build team spirit. First they played a modified version of tag, then were given a "puzzle" which they solved by brainstorming together. All the while the instructors were driving home the point that things get easier when you work as a team, and that working as a team also means listening to your team. A very important lesson for 9 and 10 year old kids, believe me. Heck, an important lesson for many adults I know.

Then they were led into the woods on the YMCA property for more activities. One was rock climbing. They had a 45 feet tall wall made for rock climbing. The kids were told they will each get one chance to climb it but they had the "right to pass". S' school has this concept of "right to pass" where any child can take a pass on any activity if they don't feel comfortable doing it. I think it is a good idea because it prevents hurt self-esteems of kids who are forced to do something and fail, and it reduces teasing to a great extent. Everyone knows that all kids have the right to pass, so no one gets teased for opting out of an activity. Also, those who try and fail feel better that they at least tried.

Most of the kids tried, one opted to pass. Then when he saw how much fun it was to be swung down on a rope, he decided to give it a try too. The first kid climbed the ladder (the base of the wall was about 10 feet above ground and they had to use a ladder to get there) and as soon as he grabbed the first rock, he got scared and wanted to come down. No big deal, as these were just 10 year old kids. S went next and she decided she couldn't proceed after climbing 2 or 3 rocks. Down she came. Then the 3rd or 4th kid climbed the wall all the way to top and rang the bell. After that two girls scaled the entire wall. And there were a few other kids from the second group who did it too. The most interesting part of the wall climbing exercise was the reaction of the first boy's (let's call him R) dad, Mr. G. When the first girl climbed the wall to the top, he said out loud "Are you boys going to let a girl beat you?"

Later we proceeded to another activity where there were 5 tyres hanging from a rope tied between two tall trees. The tyres hung at different heights and the challenge was to move from one tyre to the other without touching the ground. If someone got stuck their teammates helped out by swinging into them to push them towards the next tyre. The first kid to reach the last tyre held on to the second-last tyre so they could swing it out to the next person. If someone touched the ground, they started all over again. R couldn't manage to do this one either and he really didn't mind. He was busy having fun, which WAS the ultimate goal. N, the girl who had scaled the wall, did this one fairly easily too. So Mr. G started pushing his son to do it because he couldn't "let a girl win". He was encouraging the girls and complimenting them on the accomplishments too, but he also kept saying "are you going to let a girl beat you?" all the time. I guess he thought he was providing a challenge and encouragement to the boys. He even got upset at his son because his son "is a boy scout and should be able to do such activities easily". The son, at one point, got upset at him for which I really don't blame him. When this had been going on for about 15-20 minutes, one boy turned to Mr. G (right after one of his "Are you gonna let a girl beat you?" remarks) and said "Mr. G, ever heard of being a gentleman?" to which Mr. G replied an enthusiastic "Of course!" The boy turned back and muttered loud enough for all of us to hear "Of course you have!". I gave him a mental high-five. Mr. G went strangely quiet after that, though he still did make sure that his son completed that activity at least ONE time.

What IS it with over-competitive parents? Can't they let their kids be? Just once let them enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination? Someone told me about a mom who was asking another parent about a technology magnet middle school in a nearby town. One of her questions? "How many kids from this school make it to Harvard and MIT?" I mean, come on! You are talking about middle school students. Give them an ambition by all means, but don't go around with a rigid yardstick for measuring success. S is very good at math. She is doing junior high algebra at KUMON while the rest of her class is still struggling with double digit multiplication and long division. While I would like for her to go into technology field (the sole reason being J and I understand technology better than we understand anything else and I know she has a similar aptitude), she has expressed interest in becoming a vet. I know at this age ambitions are not permanent. They can change a million times before they arrive at the point where they actually have to choose a career. But I would never even dream of telling S that one career could be better over something of her choice. Yes, I would like to give her facts, and maybe ask her to weigh her decision carefully (when she is old enough to make such decisions) but I would NEVER tell her what she should do. Then sometimes I think maybe I am doing this all wrong? Maybe I should push her, force her, tell her, impose my wishes a little more on her? I dunno. I sincerely hope I am doing the right thing.

Another thing that struck me at the field trip was the other extreme of this "make every kid feel valued" movement. Know how "all kids are special"? Which translates to "losers are as successful as winner because... well, because ALL of us are special". What IS it with this killing of the competitive spirit? A little, healthy competition can be very good for kids. They learn a lot of things from it - sportsman spirit, the drive to succeed, how to be a graceful loser. When the first kid scaled the climbing wall, S' teacher declared every kid who reached the top of that wall will receive five "school dollars". In S' school, kids receive these fake dollars for good behavior or a good academic performance etc. They can save these dollars and buy anything from the school store (that carries donated, but new, items or things like homework passes etc.) When the teacher declared the award, one kid immediately piped up - "It isn't fair to kids who can't get to the top". That really amused me and also made me a little sad and concerned. We have made our kids so politically correct that they have forgotten (or maybe never learnt) that good performance is awarded with rewards while a less-than-good performance doesn't get anything. That, to get a reward, you need to put in little more effort. It IS sad, isn't it? What also bothered me was that the teacher didn't grab that opportunity to discuss this with the kid(s).

Today I went to S' school to meet with the teacher who runs the Academically Talented (AT) program. A child needs to be placed in "Advanced" level for reading and writing to be recommended for AT. S missed the advanced level in writing by just 5 points (a small margin) and in reading by 15 points (a bigger one). So I know she cannot be recommended for the program, and she understands that too. And frankly, I am not very concerned about it either. In my opinion, the AT program does give them an opportunity to do many interesting things but it doesn't make or break anything for them academically. I just wanted to understand the procedure and requirements for being placed in advance placement classes in middle or high school. During my conversation with the teacher, she mentioned that I can tell S that apart from her actual performance, there are many other "stupid" factors that decide whether a student can be in AT or not. She meant to say - your daughter's lower-than-required score is not her fault. Well, I disagreed with her. My daughter's scores - good or bad - ARE a result of her efforts. Just like she won't credit someone else for a good score, she can't blame someone else for a bad one either.

I have seen and heard of parents covering for their kids bad performances in tests. Moms call professors in their kids' college to "talk" about their scores. I don't know - if my parents ever did that, I would have disowned them for humiliating me so completely. Parents hover over their kids while they do their homework, write their reports for them. This might be considered "good parenting" but I am sure the college professors won't be receiving a phone call from this mom. If my daughter didn't study for an exam, she WILL face the consequences. When will we let our kids take the responsibility for their actions and face the music? The sooner we do that in their lives, the better it is for them. This lesson learnt early in life means there are less costly mistakes further down the line. When will the parents understand that?

Of respect in relationships

S and I are developing a routine where we go to the library every Monday. She is all showered and homeworked when I get home on Mondays. Then we have dinner and then head out to the library around 8. The library stays open late, until 9 pm, on Mondays. S gets two videos/dvds and a few books if she is done reading the current ones. I get a book, or not - depending on my mood and schedule.

Today while coming back from the library, we somehow started talking about relationships - as in boyfriends and husbands. S mentioned she hopes she'd find an Indian guy just like her daddy - who'd be as good a husband to her as her dad is to me (and that J is the best husband anyone could ever have is a fact). I grabbed that chance with both hands to talk to her about something I had been thinking of for a long time. Respect in a relationship. Specially, a husband's respect for his wife. Which, in my opinion, is more or less absent in many relationships I have seen around me. The husbands love their wives alright, care about them and for them too. But they don't hold respect for their wives' opinions on "serious" matters. Some, I have seen, don't even respect their wives - period. For them, respect flows from wife to husband, not the other way round. Sure, equal marriages are on the rise and I have many more friends who will jump in and say their marriage is an equal relationship. And I will agree with them. I am just talking about the relationships I have been observing at close quarters.

So, I got talking to S about respect in a relationship and how she should expect nothing less. This, I think, is what ALL parents need to teach their daughters. EXPECT respect from your partner. If you don't get it, the relationship isn't right for you. I also had this conversation with S because just today I and a few blogger friends were discussing why professionally competent women, beautiful women, successful women stay in abusive relationships. In my opinion it is directly related to their self-esteem and, in some cases, lack of support from parents. I want S to understand that no relationship is bigger than her self-esteem and happiness. That there is, and should always be, a way out from an abusive relationship. Sometimes I worry that she might end up in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical. It can be verbal and emotional too - and that is why I stressed on the "respect" aspect of a relationship. If your partner respects you, he/she will not abuse you in any way. That is my simplistic theory. And I hope S never has/needs to test it.

I have a cousin who is in an abusive marriage. Many family members agree on it - even though they probably wouldn't categorize it as "abusive". And that is not because it isn't so, but because the definition of an "abusive relationship" is very blurred and confusing. Coming back to the cousin - I asked her younger sister why she doesn't walk out on the marriage? Sister says because she wants to give her daughters stability and doesn't want to subject them to a broken home. Also, because she gets almost no support from her dad. Her dad, my uncle, tells her to "adjust". I feel there is only a certain limit to which a person can, and should, adjust. I also think this is the cruelest thing Indian parents (mostly) do to their daughters. Telling them to adjust. How can a person ignore what their daughter is going through and just issue a blanket dictate to "adjust"? My blood boils at it. Parents have the DUTY to cultivate enough self-confidence in their daughters so that they don't stay stuck in an abusive relationship. I, personally, wouldn't even depend on my parents to get me out of an abusive relationship (unless I needed their help in getting out safely). I would end a relationship the minute it started bordering on abuse. And go out and make a life for myself and my kids. Support from my parents would be welcome and appreciated but I wouldn't depend on it. I guess that kind of attitude depends on two factors - a person's temperament and their support system, namely parents and other close family members. If my parents brought me up in a traditional way, I might have had the same mind set. But then the same cousin's sister walked out of her home and declared she was going to report her in-laws to the police for abuse. She had been having issues at her in-law's place too. Just the declaration brought her in-laws (and husband) back to their senses and now she lives with them minus the issues. Real sisters, same parents, same (non-existent) support system. Two different outcomes. So, it really does depend on the person too. This is what I want S to understand. That she will have options. And she will have J's and my support.

I told J about this conversation when we got home (and after S had gone to bed). He agreed that he would encourage S to walk out of a relationship if it got abusive. That we will teach her to place her safety and peace of mind above everything else. I pray that S and M find partners who really love and respect them. Another thought springs into my mind with this sentence. At a recent party, a friend commented that she just hopes her sons (she has two) bring home Indian girls. She meant to say she isn't going to be particular about caste or religion. Another said she just hopes they bring home a girl (she has two sons too). She doesn't care about caste, religion OR nationality. My question is - what if your child comes home and tells you he/she is gay? Personally, I just hope that my daughters find a loving partner. Frankly I'll blow my top if one of my daughters told me she doesn't want to go to college but I won't blink an eye if she informed me that she is a lesbian. Really. I have given it serious thought and I know how I feel. Looking at all the unequal and/or unhappy marriages around me, all I want is for my daughters to find partners who truly care about them. Who would love them, respect them and be their support when I am gone.

And I hope somewhere, someone is teaching their sons (and daughters) about respecting their life-partner too.

Update on Tough times never last

So, after having sufficiently freaked out people with my previous post, with what S said and what my job situation looks like, I decided to take a break from blogging. Well, not "decided" as such - a break was forced upon me. By circumstances and my busy schedule.

Anyhoo. I decided I owed all the wonderful people, who left me comments and who called/emailed me after reading the previous post, an update.

S is not grounded any more. After reading Vinita and Dotthought's comments, I forwarded them to my husband and we decided to go with Vinita's suggestion and imposed a "30 minute violin practice" consequence on her. Anon's (n!) comment also helped me put things in perspective from S' side. So the practice requirement was not conveyed as a punishment but more as the consequence she needed to face for her action, along with lots of reassurances that we were/are not upset with her. And I am taking a day off on Monday to spend with her as per Desigirl's suggestion. Will take her out to the movies and lunch.

S and I have been writing in the journal (almost) regularly. Both of us look forward for the other to write in it. I even catch myself thinking of something from my childhood to put in there. She is getting an idea that all kids behave the way she did sometime or the other. I have explained to her that the most important part is what you do after you realize you made a mistake. If, after making a mistake, you keep repeating it, you are no better off than when you made the mistake the first time. But if you rectify your mistake and make sure not to repeat it, you have learned something from it. She still sometimes tells me she feels bad about it and every time I remind her "It happened, it is in the past, done and over with". I think that kind of reassures her.

As for "feel like killing myself" bit - a huge reassurance came to me from my mother in the form of an email. She wrote this -

I came to know about Mitthi's disappointment through your blog. Seems that she is going through some hormonal changes which are responsible for such feelings .Its a transitory phase and will be over soon ,but she needs special attention from both of you at present which you are providing without any dearth.I remember when you were the same age once in the night when i was lying besides you and talking to you affectionately you suddenly told me "mummy some times i feel like jumping in front of a car when i go to school '.And how worried i felt inside need not mention. But instantly i caressed you ,and made you realize that this act of your will shatter me and if you feel like this again pl. think of your ma and pa who won't and can't live without you .And after that i kept a secret watch on you and expressed my love and concern frequently.Afterwards you never uttered or felt like doing it again. This is an experience of a mother who so strongly loves her kids !Your careful handling of the situation will definitely lessen Mitthi's tensions .

So peeps, it runs in the family! The girls in this family are over-dramatic and will go to any lengths to get their parents' attention :D

Tough times never last,...

...tough people do. I have always believed in that. But boy! This business of being tough people is not easy! The past few weeks (or has it been a month already?) have been tough in various ways at various times. I was sick. Very. Then I had to study for an exam. Which I couldn't. Flunked the exam. Not blaming anyone/anything for it. Not making any excuses either. Flunking the exam didn't make or break anything for me - it was a re-certification and I still have time. I am confident I can do it. Will reschedule the exam and this time I will definitely pass it. Or, I promise you, I won't write about flunking it ;)

A couple of weeks ago I learned that my company is probably preparing to lay me off/ fire me along with a few others. I think it is a business/financial reason. I am the kind of person who "hopes for the best and prepares for the worst". So this particular revelation has only helped me. I am not broken-hearted upon learning it though, truthfully, I was pissed in the beginning. I don't believe in doing the kind of petty things one of my former bosses did - he deleted a lot of information regarding his work from the company network before leaving. I don't think it caused any serious damage though it did cause major inconveniences. He left without telling us some major passwords and the company had to shell out some dough (and waste precious time) in getting those passwords reset. I am not that kind of person. So I am not deleting anything I have worked on. But this has left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I have had certain major issues but I have always refrained from blogging about them and will do the same even now. Moving on!

S has been having some emotional issues. Or, I should say, her emotional issues have been emerging lately. Turns out she did experience some sibling rivalry. Her way to get back at the baby? She mixed some regular Vicks Vaporub with the baby's. I and J had a good laugh at it :P For about 3 weeks now, she has been telling me "bad" things she has been doing. Like *GASP* not brushing her teeth properly! Or, eating some candy on the sly. She even didn't wash her hands after going to the bathroom a few times!! Frankly, I found most of her confessions funny. And I felt RELIEF!! Yes, I am not kidding. All these years I have been beating myself up that I have straitjacketed my daughter in rules so tightly that she has forgotten how to behave like a kid. Turns out she didn't. Only, she didn't tell us that she was being a kid :D But I do discuss every "confession" with her to see if she understands why she was required to do/ not do certain things in the first place. And then I let it go with "It's OK. It's done. It's in the past now".

One confession that did get her grounded (with suitable explanations which were completely understood by her) was that she had skipped most of her strings lessons at school to go to the gym. J and I had two issues with it. One - we pay FOUR frickin' HUNDRED dollars a year to rent that violin for her and if she isn't even using it, that's money down the drain. Two (more important) - it is a safety issue. Say, she skips strings class to go to the gym. Strings teacher thinks she isn't in the school. Gym teacher isn't expecting her in the gym. The school catches fire and needs to be evacuated. Will someone miss her and look for her? I know it is a far fetched reason, but please refer to the "hope for the best and prepare for the worst" statement above. So, she has been grounded with "no media, no play dates" for 2 weeks. Media includes TV (of course!), videos, DVDs/CD's, video games and Wii. She cannot fill the time left open by lack of media with books. She has to help around the house during that time. You can send her sympathies for the double-meanie parents she has and I promise I will convey the sympathies to her :D

Now, S says she is extremely sad. All these confessions have made her realize what a terrible kid she is (her words, not mine). Three nights ago she said she sometimes felt like killing herself - she feels that bad. Said she feels like going into the kitchen and stabbing herself with a knife. That wrenched my gut. And stabbed my heart with fear. I don't want to overreact, but I don't want to take it lightly either. I am thinking of talking to her doctor but am afraid of setting off some unnecessary alarm bells in the doctor's head. I asked S if I quit my job and stay at home and spend more time with her, would that make her feel better? She said my job is NOT the issue (again, her words, not mine). J and I are trying to get it across to her that all that she has done is not really terrible. It is just normal stuff that normal kids do. Any other ideas?

I have also borrowed an idea from her fourth grade teacher and implemented it. I have started a "Talk back Journal" with S in which we write letters to each other about random things. S' fourth grade teacher did that with all her students and I saw that those letters allowed kids to express feelings/thoughts that they were normally hesitant in expressing. We have each written about 2 letters to the other by now. In one of my letters I mentioned one goofy thing I did in my younger days. My intention was to tell her that ALL kids do it. I intend to write about a few other things I did that she might identify with. I and J have been continuously telling her that the mere fact that she came to us and owned up to all this has made us proud of her. How many kids do we know who would do something wrong and then go and fess up with their parents? None. Except her. It is a delicate balance we have to keep here - make her understand that all this is not as terrible as she thinks it is, and yet not to make her think that doing all this is OK as all kids do it. The rules were created for some reason, you know.

This, combined with the tension at work, is draining me out. To top it off, I have joined a fitness boot camp. Classes are form 5:30 to 6:30 AM, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. First class was yesterday. I have to wake up at 4:45 am now, to be able to get to the class by 5:20 am. Which means I have to get in bed by 9:30-10 pm. Which is almost impossible given that I get back home by 7 pm, spend some time with the girls (outdoors if the weather is nice, indoors otherwise), cook dinner, feed M (S eats by herself), give M her night-time bottle and put her to bed after J bathes her (J would do it gladly but I want that time with her), help S wash her hair if need be, put S to bed, eat dinner, pack lunches for next day and clean up and get a set of clothes ready for the next day. Doing all this in a short period of two and a half hours? Seems impossible. But I hope to pull it off - with some heavy duty help from J.

So, this is what has kept me from blogging for the past so many weeks. I know I have to write a "One Year" post, and one on the budday party, and another one is lined up about some gems from S. A lot to do. No time to do it :(

Yup, I did all this!

Dotmom's innocent little post on a book about a working woman's pregnancy triggered a lot of memories for me. Totally unrelated to the topic of being a working, pregnant woman. These memories were more about how any kind of activity on my part elicited a whole slew of patronizing responses from people around me. It irritated me no end. I was advised by many to just let go and do my own thing but I am incapable of letting go. NOT in my nature! If someone gives me a piece of their mind, I am tempted to give it right back to them, with a bigger piece of MY mind.

So, I didn't take it kindly when anyone suggested that I should sit down or eat more or not pick something up. I have countless such memories. And I am going to subject you to all of them :D (**evil laughter**)

I faced the most resistance during my first pregnancy. On the day that I declared my pregnancy, my MIL wanted me to shut down the coaching classes I was running. And I have to mention it here - I had the easiest and healthiest of pregnancy. No morning sickness, no food cravings. I was as active as I ever had been. Yes, I was more tired but that just meant I took more naps. But I still did all the work I had been doing before getting pregnant. That included cooking for a family of 6 adults, one teen house help (one teen can sometimes put away more food than 6 adults, believe me :P) and one toddler. Picky toddler. Not to mention 3 very picky adults. I washed all my clothes, including the towels and bedsheets with my HANDS. Not even a handkerchief left my room to be washed by the maid, much to the consternation of my MIL. About once or twice a week, I would swab the floor of my bedroom when I got disgusted with the level of un-cleanliness of the maid and the house help. I taught classes from 7:30 in the morning till 5:30 in the evening with just three 15 minute breaks in between. J would leave at 8:30 in the mornings for work those days. So I woke up at 5:30, cooked lunch for the whole family and would be ready for my classes by 7:30. Later, I moved one of my classes to 6:30 AM (!) so I could finish the course well in time for my maternity leave. This continued till the end of my pregnancy. I stopped lifting heavy buckets towards the end, but I still washed the clothes. I washed the kitchen and the counter tops and prepared things for the next morning the night I started getting labor pains. I didn't even notice the labor pains until after I'd taken a shower. I had been getting Braxton Hicks contractions for most of the third trimester so I didn't pay heed to the real contractions. When I finally timed them, they were 3 minutes apart.

OKAY! Back on track. During my first pregnancy, one gem of an advice that stands out in my memory came from my dear MIL. I was frying puris and placed about 10 of them on a steel plate and turned around to serve it to MIL and FIL who were having their lunch right then. MIL went "Itna sab mat utha!!" (Don't pick all that!!). Ticked me off no end. I guess I should have looked at the concern and felt good that she worried about me, right? But as I said - not in my nature :P Yup - I am a b***h of the first order.

Every morning I used to go downstairs (five floors down) with J to see him off to work. And I would then climb the stairs - all five floors. One auntyji who lived in our building commented to MIL that I probably shouldn't be doing that. I could understand it coming from an uneducated old lady but was most astonished when an OBGYN admonished me for taking two walks each day! Thankfully this wasn't my regular OBGYN otherwise I'd have switched doctors before you could say "Wha??". My own OBGYN was on the same page as me regarding activity levels during pregnancy. She even advised me to swab floors every day for a fit pregnancy. She said I could safely drive a two wheeler provided I didn't have to kick start it. So I zoomed around on a Kinetic Honda when I went to my parents' for two months during my second trimester. I even dragged J to a trip to Mount Abu because I desperately wanted one more trip with him without a baby. Someone in my mom's colony said I shouldn't walk so fast when pregnant. Someone else said I shouldn't sit cross legged. WTH???

The stupidest "honey don't do" was when I was told not to eat Jamuns. Apparently eating them makes the baby's skin darker. I foolishly gave in (because I didn't want any more battles than I could handle - definitely NOT because I believed in it too) and regret it till date. Now I don't think I will ever get to eat Jamuns as they are not available here in the US and I don't see a summer trip to India in our foreseeable future. I was also advised not to watch the horror shows and movies that I was so addicted to in those days. By none other than my dear FIL :P When I didn't budge, help was sought from J to make me understand. I still didn't budge and continued to watch those "comedy" shows ("Zee horror show", "Aahat" on Sony TV couldn't be anything but). Even watched "The Poltergeist" and some other Hollywood horror flicks. Everyone lived in terror believing the baby will be born deformed from all those ghastly images I was looking at. S was as beautiful as a baby could ever be - she sure showed them! And she had an even more beautiful temperament. So it really disproved the theory that the TV shows I was watching would affect the baby's appearance or personality. Oh, and I was asked not to drink tea the way I like it - tea leaves steeped in hot water for a minute and with sugar and a touch of milk (2 teaspoons EXACTLY measured). The baby would get a dark skin, it seemed. I was advised to drink tea with loads of milk in it. I opted for a darker skinned baby instead.

I was even asked to read Ramayan or BhagvadGita every day. Now, I am not against reading them but just because I was pregnant? In lieu of the murder mysteries and thrillers I was so hooked on? Thanks but no thanks! In retrospect I think I was the most difficult pregnant DIL to ever live with. I had a mind of my own and didn't hesitate in using it.

The second pregnancy was a bit better because we were here in the US, away from the meddling auntyjis and concerned relatives. But friends carried out some of the responsibilities dutifully. I invited some friends for dinner on Thanksgiving and that is when we declared that I was pregnant (I don't get the "we are pregnant" thing. We were expecting, but I was pregnant). As soon as I declared my pregnancy a friend started admonishing me for having cooked so much all by myself when I was pregnant. I humored her for a while but when it became too much to bear I snapped "I am pregnant, not an bedridden". That did the trick. I had no idea at that time how many times I would have to use this sentence in my entire pregnancy.

Friends kept insisting at gatherings that I should sit down and eat first and rest. I humored some, and blasted some. Then a friend threw me a baby shower. We planned it together and decided the shower would be a women-only shower. Since we had a friend coming in from NJ and another cousin of mine flying in from Chicago, I decided to have a post-baby-shower party at my place. I planned a simple menu that could be prepared with minimal efforts. Dahi Bade, Veg Biryani, Moong Dal Pakode, some other chaat items and a sweet dish (I forget what it was). I prepared everything before leaving for the shower in the afternoon so that I wouldn't have to do anything when I came back. We had about 5 or 6 families (including ours) gathered. When I got back from the baby shower, I found J in a foul mood. I immediately thought it was because we were late but he told me that he was ticked off because a friend had been insisting that we order food from outside. Even after J told him that all the food was ready. When we came back, this friend again started telling his wife to disregard what I was saying and order up some idli-dosa from a local restaurant. That's when I lost my cool and yelled "What about the food I have already cooked? And why are you treating me like an invalid?" This is a very dear friend and I really appreciate the concern he and his wife show for us all the time, but I guess I was completely fed up with the mollycoddling by then. He understood after that and backed off, I made a deal with his wife that I will let her serve the food and I'll "rest" and everything ended on a happier note after that. I did feel sorry (and still do) for having yelled at him but I believe he left me no choice.

I once mentioned to a colleague that I was still carrying computers and servers at my job to which I promptly received a concerned reprimand. I told her I was careful and did all the lifting with my arms (I have strong arms, back and shoulders from years of working out with weights and from carrying big water buckets to water plants during my younger days). I really was careful, but there was no way I was going to give all work up just because I was pregnant. I even stayed back at work till 3 AM for a phone server repair project during my last trimester. I liked the way my boss showed his concern. He didn't tell me not to do it. He kept calling me every hour after end of business until I left for home. His concern really touched me because he showed faith in my professional abilities yet showed his concern for my personal safety.

I even planted my vegetable garden during my last trimester, almost 8 months pregnant. It was Mother's Day weekend and I dug up the bed with a shovel, turned the soil and planted all the plants I'd gotten for the garden. J helped by dumping bags of soil in the bed, but after that I was on my own to spread it out and do the rest. This is what I love about J. He trusts my judgment. He never admonished me for anything I did during my pregnancy if I told him I was OK doing it. He showed a complete trust in my abilities. And maybe because of that trust I WAS able to do all that.

I had a grueling schedule all through my pregnancy. I changed my office time to 7:30 am to 4 pm. I would pick up S from after-school program and take her to all her after-school activities (at that time she had swim practice twice a week and was taking tennis lessons), came home, cooked dinner and even attended a zillion Board of Ed/ PTO council/ PTO/ Norwalk Budget meetings. I often came home from these meetings after 10 pm - at least 2 days a week. AND I managed to ride the stationary bike for at least 40 minutes each day to keep my blood sugar under control. I am sure I wouldn't have been able to do even half of it if we had my or J's parents living with us. They would have been too stressed out to let me do it.

The week leading to my delivery was a completely different story. I had a crisis at work, which required me to pull an allnighter (from home). As a result, I developed high blood pressure by next morning. Since I was already past the 36 week mark in my pregnancy, my OBGYN said he would prefer doing the c-section early than wait on pin and needles to make sure the baby wasn't harmed by the high blood pressure. So he rescheduled my c-section and upped it by one week. That gave me absolutely no time to rest, relax and reorganize as I had planned. But you've gotta do what you've gotta do. So I had the c-section on June 5th (instead of June 12th as planned) and the rest, as the cliche' goes, is history.