A good start,

this.


"The Obama Administration announced plans today to hold a Forum on Workplace Flexibility on March 31st at the White House. The President and First Lady will discuss the importance of creating workplace practices that allow America’s working men and women to meet the demands of their jobs without sacrificing the needs of their families." says a press release on the Whitehouse website. 


It is needless to say that a discussion on this is badly needed. That would be a start, not a solution. But to reach a solution, someone needs to start talking about the problem.


I am lucky enough that my current boss understands the need for urgent absences from work to deal with family matters like sickness of a child, among many others. I joined my current job on September 8th, 2009. In less than a month, S developed a severe reaction to antibiotics (Augmentin - from Amoxycilin family) that were prescribed to her to deal with a secondary infection she had developed on the site of an eczema rash. Due to some stupid decision form the doctor who was treating her at the time, the reaction got worse. As a result S spent more than two months suffering terribly from the rash. And I had to leave work on multiple occasions to go administer some medicine or to take her to the doctor's for an emergency visit. If my boss hadn't been sympathetic and understanding, I would definitely have lost the job. After all, my last job had taught me that taking time off for personal reasons, time that I had earned with my hard work, will go against me when it came to measuring performance.


It is no secret that I underwent IVF to conceive the second time. Infertility treatment is an aggressive regimen that requires money, emotional and mental strength and time. I needed to go to the clinic almost every other day for the numerous blood tests and ultrasound scans, which used to be generally scheduled first thing in the morning. But it meant I would be half hour to an hour late for work on those days. I wasn't looking for charity or to be let off easily but my boss at that time wouldn't agree to let me come i an hour late and work until an hour after my usual time on those days. Our offices stayed open till 7.30 pm so it would not have been a great problem for him to allow me to do so. Instead he made me take half a day off every time I needed such a procedure. As a result I had only 5 or so days of paid time off (out of 21) left by the end of September. On more than one occasion, I got a lecture from him on how it was better for him because his wife was home full time so he didn't have to worry about running off at odd times (even though he did!). And that if I had "so many family issues" I should choose between family and work. I should really decide which one is more important for me. I hope no one ever has to make that choice. And then I got an official memo from the HR to explain why I hadn't managed my paid time off properly.


After my maternity leave of three months was up I returned to work. My parents who had come to help me out with the baby left when she was about 7 months old. As soon as the baby started going to the daycare, she started coming down with back to back ear infections. That time was the toughest in our lives. I would often be called from the daycare to come pick her up because she was running a fever. My previous boss had left the company and the new boss was fairly understanding. But the company policies were still the same. I had to apply for special unpaid days given my circumstances. Half of those unpaid days could have been avoided if the company had just had a policy to let its employees work from home. I believe this also became one of the factors in the decision that the company later took to let me go even though I had more than proven my competency to handle the job.


My point behind this rambling is - no matter what kind of job you work in, life happens, emergencies happen. It doesn't have to be only kids. It could be aging parents. The employee's own, or spouse's, health. Usually an employer can find ways to make things a little easier for the employees but most times they don't. I believe making laws to mandate this kind of consideration might backfire in the long run. Instead starting a conversation to understand the issues might help generate, in businesses, the effort to find the balance between demanding efficiency and being considerate towards difficult circumstances that their employees are facing.


I and my husband both work full time. We both juggle our schedules to be able to take care of our kids. I have full support and cooperation of my husband when emergencies need to be dealt with. Even with his support, I sometimes find it difficult to keep all the balls in the air. Imagine how tough it must be for single parents or for those who don't have the convenience of flexible timings. This goes for anyone who is working, not only those who have kids. Many times efforts to create workplace flexibility are met with resistance because single people and those who don't have kids think that those who do (have kids) get off easy just because of that. I think workplace flexibility should be available to everyone because, you know, even people without kids can have emergencies. If you work, it doesn't (and shouldn't) mean that you cease to have life outside of it.

Amen!

S and I were working out in the yard last night, taking pictures and making a list of all the stuff that we lost when our basement flooded this weekend (another post on that later) when, somehow, the topic of old age (mine) came up. It happened this way:

S: You must be feeling really bad about losing all these cards and letters that you had saved.

Me: Meh. I figured I hadn't looked at them in the last 5 years so maybe it won't matter to me. I might miss them in my old age when I do have the time to sit and look through such things. But I sure hope that even in old age I will be active and busy enough not to have the time.

S (after a moment of silence): In your old age you will be living with ME. And my kids will keep you busy.

Me (melting into a mush): Awwww! I would LOVE to live with you! But what if your husband says no?

S: I will tell him you are MY mom and that you WILL live with me.

Me: What if he says he wants HIS mom to live with him?

S: We will get a bigger house.

Amen, my darling daughter. Amen!

Note: Later we clarified that "mom" meant BOTH her parents. "Mom" was just figure of speech :)

I still miss you,

I just don't talk so much about missing you any more. It has been 1 year, 5 months, a week and a day. It still hurts but the hurt is a part of me. I don't notice it most times.

I am watching "3 Idiots". I laugh at the jokes. Then I think how you would have loved the movie. I miss you.

I am taking a shower. I have the sniffles. I suddenly remember how you used to scold me for taking showers late at night and then falling sick. My tears blend with the water. I miss you.

I just spoke with a friend who just lost her mother. I am crying for her loss. Suddenly I remember MY loss - you. Now I am crying for my loss. I miss you.

I am entertaining guests at home. We are laughing and joking. Someone praises the rice pulao I have made and I remember how you used to make it much, much better. I miss you.

A friend is talking about the vacation she and her husband took with her parents. I remember how I had thought we would go on a tour of Europe together. I miss you.

I call Ma. My calls to her are twice as frequent and half as long. I miss you.

Another friend talks of her "Baba". I remember I had my "special" name for you - "Pa". Not papa. Not pappa. Pa. Nothing unique, but something I called you. I wish I could call you "Baba" - it sounds so much sweeter. I miss you.

I am driving home. I remember the pride with which I drove you and Ma around town when you both visited us for the first time. I miss you.

I am driving (again). I remember the first time you sat with me in your car while I was driving it. I was new at it. I remember how you didn't say a single discouraging word but clutched the door handle tight until we got home :) I miss you.

You know, Ma bought a new car. Sonu was there when she bought it and they both brought it home. On their way, they stopped at the temple. I know you would have too. Ma - the staunch Arya samaji, who never went to temples of her own accord. Not to worship anyway. Sonu, the staunch atheist. They went to the temple. They miss you too.

To my "Little Women"

Previously posted on Desicritics. org.


Dear M and S,

Yesterday was International Women's day. I wanted to write this for you then, but better (a day) late than never, right? 

You, my beautiful little ladies, are the reason your dad and I find each day worth living to our fullest. Before you came into our lives, we had no idea that we lacked something (or two special someones) in our lives. But now we cannot imagine not having you in our lives. I shudder at the thought of sending you to college. I will probably be the helicopter mom personified, literally hovering over your dormitories and classrooms. I have no qualms about embarrassing you, my darlings. See, that is what we are saving for - your respective therapies that will be needed just for the fact that you have been subjected to your dad and me :)

That apart, here is something I want you never to forget. You are going to grow up into beautiful, confident women. Your dad and I will make sure of that. The world and its uncle will try to tell you how a woman should behave, think, dress or live. Before they get to you, I want to imprint a few things on your minds.

1. You DON'T have to please everyone all the time. You DON'T have to please ANYONE at all, if you don't feel like it. Sure, nice people sometimes do some things for others that make them (others) feel good. I am all for such niceties. But remember - NEVER be forced into doing something, anything for someone if your heart, gut or mind says no. Listen to your "self". I am not condoning selfishness. I am just saying that do not give in to someone's "Good girls make sure their parents/husbands/boyfriends/friends/God/whoever are happy". Remember, a happy and contented self is much better than a happy anyone-else. But diplomacy sure does make life easier - remember that!

2. Stand up for yourself. Because no one else will, if you don't. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to. If you think what you are offering someone is reasonable and fair, it probably is. If they don't agree, negotiate. But DO. NOT. BE. BULLIED. INTO. SUBMISSION!! It is possible to be pleasant and yet stand your ground. At the same time, never be hesitant in unsheathing your claws when you have to. Sometimes you HAVE to show people what you are really made of in order for them to take you seriously.

3. Remember good men don't hit women. They don't terrorize women, humiliate them or coerce them into doing something they don't want to do. There are plenty of good men around. You DON'T have to settle for anyone less than "good". Not even for "good enough". It is better to spend life alone than to put up with an abuser just because "Good" didn't come along. Have the confidence to go on your way alone and I am sure you will find someone who is just right for you. Even if you don't, remember YOU are perfect for you! Remember how your dad loves and respects me. Always remember - you deserve such a partner too. Never settle for anything less.

4. Be financially independent. No matter how loving a husband/partner you have and even if you are well taken care of, make sure you have at least one UPDATED skill that can get you gainful employment whenever you need. You never know what curveball life will throw at you next year, next month or next moment. Be prepared. If you WANT to work, never let anyone tell you that good wives or mothers don't. Never let another person dictate whether or not you should work, or where for that matter. There is no blessing greater in this world than to be able to do what you want to do in life. And don't let any idealist tell you that working to "earn money" is inferior to any other goal. Don't let money be your be all, end all. But do make some money. You will realize a healthy bank balance brings along mental peace and allows you to focus on the more important things in life - like family. Don't undervalue money, but don't overvalue it either.

5. Take good care of yourselves. Take time out for yourself, no matter how crazy life is and no matter how many responsibilities you have. Even if you are with someone, make sure you take out time for YOU. Alone. Very important for your "self" AND for any relationship. Eat healthy, exercise, be active. Have some hobbies that take you outdoors and allow you to be physically active. Mental agility is good too. Try and strike the balance between the two.

6. Be cautious. In unknown locations, uncertain situations and around unknown people. ALWAYS be on your guard! Safety should be a habit, not a "hobby". I cannot stress this enough.

7. Learn everything there is to learn to survive AND to live comfortably. Learn what it takes to progress in your professional fields, learn to cook, to sew, to change a flat tire, change a light bulb, repair a fuse, fix a toilet. In short - anything that you might need to do one day. Or earn enough to be able to pay others to do all this for you. But I'd still say knowing how to do all these things is a good idea - then you will know if someone is trying to rip you off by charging, say, 50 bucks to fix a fuse.

8. Don't hold regrets and grudges. They poison minds, hearts and relationships. It is a difficult thing to learn. I am still learning it. But I hope you will do a better job of it than me. Talk things out. Don't let a little disagreement fester into a big one. Learn to apologize when it is your fault, but don't be apologetic all the time. Learn when to say "I understand you feel this way, but I think I am right".

9. Take a long time to make friends and even longer to end friendships. Remember it is hard to undo the hurt of a mean word or gesture. But also know when to let a relationship go. If it is preying on your mind and being, but going nowhere, you are probably best OUT of it than in.

10. Be competitive. Healthy competition builds character. Don't let the pacifists tell you that participation is good enough. Participation is good but winning, or trying to win, is better. I don't mean to tell you that your efforts are worthless if you don't win. What I mean to tell you is put in your 100% efforts and then some more. If you win, good, if not at least you know you tried your best.

11. Love each other unconditionally. A sister (sibling) is our first and ever lasting best friend. Sure you will have differences. Who doesn't? But learn to resolve those differences amicably. In the end, when your dad and I are gone, you will only have each other to lean on.

There! 11 things - one for each year that I have been a mother. There are many more things I want to tell you, teach you. More later!

M's midnight conversations

M is getting chattier by the minute. I believe she hasn't been quiet for even a minute (except when she is sleeping) for the last 4 days AT LEAST. If she is not chatting with us, she is singing or chanting something going around in circles around some coins she has arranged in some specific order on a stool. In short, there is always some sound emanating from her :P

It is tricky to adjust the heat in our house to perfect levels so sometimes the house gets a little too warm at night for comfort. At times like these, M wakes up and immediately starts singing, "reading" her book or, worse, chatting with us. This is how one of those conversations recently went:

M: Mamma, I reading book!! (We leave a book in her crib)

A very sleepy Mamma: Hmmmm

M: Mamma I like play Miss Colleen (Miss Colleen is one of her daycare providers)

A very sleepy Mamma: Hmmmm

M: Mamma, "hmmmm" nahi karo! (Don't say Hmmm)

Now awake mamma: Okay baby. You like playing with Miss Colleen? That's nice. Now go to sleep.

M: Dadda sleeping?

Mamma: Yes, dadda is sleeping baby. Now you go to sleep too.

M: Dadda, wake up!

Sleepy Dadda: Hmmmm

M: Dadda, "hmmm" nahi karo. Dadda, talk karo, dadda!! (Don't say Hmmm dadda. Talk dadda!)

.....

.....

SIGH!! We want to sleeeeeep!! We NEED sleep. Can someone come talk to her at night please, while we catch a shuteye? Pretty please?!!