Now, some funny/cute Hindi-speak

because it comes from the mouth of children who are growing up in an American environment speaking a language (English) that does not have many sounds that Hindi does. Since kids learn languages better at a younger age, it is a good idea to expose them to as many languages as possible (on a regular basis for them to be able to pick up the languages). But that also brings a drawback with it. Kids can learn the language but (I believe) they pick up the accent that they primarily hear.

For example, S and M both speak and understand Hindi but their exposure to spoken English is far more than that to spoken Hindi (8+ hours at school/daycare vs. 4-5 at home) Plus, once your ears become attuned to the sounds of one language you start "speaking" other languages in that language. At least that is what S does. So she has a hard time pronouncing Hindi words that have the composite sounds containing the "hh/th/gh" etc. sounds in them. Like "haathi" (elephant - हाथी ) becomes हाती. (haati)  घर (Ghar = house) is pronounced as गर (Gar = no meaning).

She also has problem saying the "ड़" sound which cannot be compared to ANY sound in English. So she pronounces that as "र" ("r"). "पापर" (पापड़), "दौर" (दौड़) and "बरा" (बड़ा) is how she says the words containing this sound. I have been trying to train her to say these words properly by having her repeat this sounds in rapid succession like "ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़ ड़" and she does say it correctly when I have her do this. But when it comes to speaking fluently, she reverts to the "English-y" accent.

I don't fret about this too much because I think she is doing great - at least she doesn't feel ashamed in speaking her mother tongue - unlike some kids I have seen in our friend circle.

Then there are some words that S mispronounced by replacing letters which resulted in some funny mistakes. I loved those and keep reminding her of those mistakes just to keep those memories alive. She once asked me if I could make some "मकोड़े" (Makodey = ants) for snacks when she actually wanted to eat "पकोड़े"  (Pakodey = a savory snack made by dipping assorted vegetables in a chickpea flour batter and deepfried) :D Once she complained that I make too much "कुत्तपम" (Kuttapam = not a word really but "kutta" means "dog" in Hindi). She was actually complaining about "उत्तपम" (Uttapam) :)

There are many other words that S mispronounces and to my ears they sound cute and funny and sweet - because she is at least making an effort. (I am looking forward to similarly hilarious times with M :D)

Pleading "Not Guilty"

Note: I had been planning this post for a long time but now seemed like a good time to post it because I came across the The Women's Web 'Mommy Guilt' Contest. Mommy Guilt is omnipresent, but it doesn't have to consume us!

I often joke that the only trips I take are the Guilt Trips that the states of being a mother, daughter, wife and friend induce. I am way too familiar with the feeling of guilt. The pensiveness, the tension. The nagging feeling that you are responsible for someone else's unhappiness or misfortune. Oddly tough, the guilt I suffer the least is Mommy Guilt. I guess I have been through too much to have already realized that NOTHING is under your control as a parent. 

I had no problem conceiving my first child. It seemed like we decided to have kids, started trying and Boom! I was pregnant. Well, not right away. It took us two tries because the first month we were so tired we fell asleep during the baby making process. (Yeah mom!! That's what happened and it IS funny so don't run away now. Read the entire post :P You too, bro! :D) Then, 3 years later, we decided to bring another child into this world and started trying. And kept trying. And trying. And trying. For four years. And then a bulb went "Ping!" in our brains! WE NEEDED HELP!! So then began the trips to Infertility specialists and clinics and various labs. And the Guilt Monster raised its ugly head - maybe I hadn't been taking good care of myself, maybe I was too fat, maybe I had waited too long and my biological clock was all ticked out. The nice specialists we met slowly, but surely debunked all my maybe's. Women heavier than me got pregnant all the time and the test results showed nothing was wrong with me or J. At 35, my biological clock was fine too. Ours was "Idiopathic Infertility". I define it as "A condition where idiots, who have already conceived once, fail to conceive". I have found that humor is great for dissipating guilt :D 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs later, M came along. Now I look at M and tell myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty any more!"

Working-Mommy-Guilt has been the easiest to deal with. I grew up watching my mom juggle a job with family and housework and saw how she did it all. She actually made it look easy and fun AND fulfilling. So I always knew where I stood in this regard. In the "want to work outside of home" camp. Thankfully, with flexi-time and the good (albeit expensive) childcare options available to us here, it has been manageable AND fulfilling so far. What could be wrong in providing my kids with a secure financial future AND providing them with a happy and content mom? I see no reason to feel guilty there.

I have already written about how I realized that, as a parent, I can't really control everything my child does (or goes through). AT the age of 5, S developed Alopecia Areata. For days, even months and probably years, I tried to find reasons to blame myself. Maybe I didn't give her proper nutrition. Maybe I stressed her out with my discipline or over-scheduled her. Or, maybe, I gave her defective genes. Maybe my house was not clean enough or I was too anal about the cleanliness. ANYTHING that would give me a reason why my daughter was suffering from such an emotionally traumatic condition. Unfortunately, all the doctors we met slowly and methodically destructed all my reasons. Alopecia does not have a known cause, they told me. Then they proceeded to prove it with the umpteen tests they ordered - each test came back normal. Nothing was wrong with my child - except that she had lost 99% of her hair. 

Those were tough days. J and I would sweep up bags full of S' hair from the carpet,  and the vacuum would still clog up and whine in rage with the hair still left behind on the carpet. We painstakingly gathered all the hair that WAS left on S' scalp and tried to cover her head with it so the bald patches wouldn't show. We tried not to discuss how torn we were, in front of S. To her we presented an optimistic facade - that everything will be alright. That she will get all her hair back one day soon and this would be a nightmare left behind, never to be remembered again. She did get her hair back, but the nightmare hasn't been forgotten. She still gets bald patches here and there on her scalp but it isn't as bad either - we no longer fill bags after bags with her hair. 

It used to break my heart to see her try to cover a bald spot or to have her request me to fill out her missing eyebrow with an eyeliner. It is becoming easier to see her figure out ways to hide those bald spots and still look stunning. No that is not my mommy-pride speaking. Her self-confidence makes her shine. I know she still struggles internally with the condition. Still curses it. Hates the way her newly grown hair sticks out from between the rest of the hair. It is a constant battle between her hair and the gel she applies to keep the stray strands down. But I also see a strong woman emerging from within her. A girl who has gone through, and is still struggling with, Alopecia Areata. A girl who, just last year, had an allergic reaction so bad it would have had a grown man howling and is still struggling with the newly developed allergies that she didn't have before now, is now turning into a confident, still kind and loving (despite all the struggle) woman who makes her parents proud each and every moment of their lives. A girl whose teachers write emails to her parents singing praises of how she is the most loving and polite student they have ever met. A girl whose teachers/ school administrators stop me in the school office to joke how they wishe she would get at least one B grade because it just isn't possible for anyone to get all A's. (And I can't tell you how proud that makes me because she got those A's WHILE she was struggling with her severe allergic reactions and outbreaks). She has been the answer to my mommy-guilt. I see her and I see how she has turned out despite all the hardships she has faced, and I say to myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty for THAT!"




Edited to add: This post was considered a "notable entry" in the contest here.

To my "Little Women"

Previously posted on Desicritics. org.


Dear M and S,

Yesterday was International Women's day. I wanted to write this for you then, but better (a day) late than never, right? 

You, my beautiful little ladies, are the reason your dad and I find each day worth living to our fullest. Before you came into our lives, we had no idea that we lacked something (or two special someones) in our lives. But now we cannot imagine not having you in our lives. I shudder at the thought of sending you to college. I will probably be the helicopter mom personified, literally hovering over your dormitories and classrooms. I have no qualms about embarrassing you, my darlings. See, that is what we are saving for - your respective therapies that will be needed just for the fact that you have been subjected to your dad and me :)

That apart, here is something I want you never to forget. You are going to grow up into beautiful, confident women. Your dad and I will make sure of that. The world and its uncle will try to tell you how a woman should behave, think, dress or live. Before they get to you, I want to imprint a few things on your minds.

1. You DON'T have to please everyone all the time. You DON'T have to please ANYONE at all, if you don't feel like it. Sure, nice people sometimes do some things for others that make them (others) feel good. I am all for such niceties. But remember - NEVER be forced into doing something, anything for someone if your heart, gut or mind says no. Listen to your "self". I am not condoning selfishness. I am just saying that do not give in to someone's "Good girls make sure their parents/husbands/boyfriends/friends/God/whoever are happy". Remember, a happy and contented self is much better than a happy anyone-else. But diplomacy sure does make life easier - remember that!

2. Stand up for yourself. Because no one else will, if you don't. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to. If you think what you are offering someone is reasonable and fair, it probably is. If they don't agree, negotiate. But DO. NOT. BE. BULLIED. INTO. SUBMISSION!! It is possible to be pleasant and yet stand your ground. At the same time, never be hesitant in unsheathing your claws when you have to. Sometimes you HAVE to show people what you are really made of in order for them to take you seriously.

3. Remember good men don't hit women. They don't terrorize women, humiliate them or coerce them into doing something they don't want to do. There are plenty of good men around. You DON'T have to settle for anyone less than "good". Not even for "good enough". It is better to spend life alone than to put up with an abuser just because "Good" didn't come along. Have the confidence to go on your way alone and I am sure you will find someone who is just right for you. Even if you don't, remember YOU are perfect for you! Remember how your dad loves and respects me. Always remember - you deserve such a partner too. Never settle for anything less.

4. Be financially independent. No matter how loving a husband/partner you have and even if you are well taken care of, make sure you have at least one UPDATED skill that can get you gainful employment whenever you need. You never know what curveball life will throw at you next year, next month or next moment. Be prepared. If you WANT to work, never let anyone tell you that good wives or mothers don't. Never let another person dictate whether or not you should work, or where for that matter. There is no blessing greater in this world than to be able to do what you want to do in life. And don't let any idealist tell you that working to "earn money" is inferior to any other goal. Don't let money be your be all, end all. But do make some money. You will realize a healthy bank balance brings along mental peace and allows you to focus on the more important things in life - like family. Don't undervalue money, but don't overvalue it either.

5. Take good care of yourselves. Take time out for yourself, no matter how crazy life is and no matter how many responsibilities you have. Even if you are with someone, make sure you take out time for YOU. Alone. Very important for your "self" AND for any relationship. Eat healthy, exercise, be active. Have some hobbies that take you outdoors and allow you to be physically active. Mental agility is good too. Try and strike the balance between the two.

6. Be cautious. In unknown locations, uncertain situations and around unknown people. ALWAYS be on your guard! Safety should be a habit, not a "hobby". I cannot stress this enough.

7. Learn everything there is to learn to survive AND to live comfortably. Learn what it takes to progress in your professional fields, learn to cook, to sew, to change a flat tire, change a light bulb, repair a fuse, fix a toilet. In short - anything that you might need to do one day. Or earn enough to be able to pay others to do all this for you. But I'd still say knowing how to do all these things is a good idea - then you will know if someone is trying to rip you off by charging, say, 50 bucks to fix a fuse.

8. Don't hold regrets and grudges. They poison minds, hearts and relationships. It is a difficult thing to learn. I am still learning it. But I hope you will do a better job of it than me. Talk things out. Don't let a little disagreement fester into a big one. Learn to apologize when it is your fault, but don't be apologetic all the time. Learn when to say "I understand you feel this way, but I think I am right".

9. Take a long time to make friends and even longer to end friendships. Remember it is hard to undo the hurt of a mean word or gesture. But also know when to let a relationship go. If it is preying on your mind and being, but going nowhere, you are probably best OUT of it than in.

10. Be competitive. Healthy competition builds character. Don't let the pacifists tell you that participation is good enough. Participation is good but winning, or trying to win, is better. I don't mean to tell you that your efforts are worthless if you don't win. What I mean to tell you is put in your 100% efforts and then some more. If you win, good, if not at least you know you tried your best.

11. Love each other unconditionally. A sister (sibling) is our first and ever lasting best friend. Sure you will have differences. Who doesn't? But learn to resolve those differences amicably. In the end, when your dad and I are gone, you will only have each other to lean on.

There! 11 things - one for each year that I have been a mother. There are many more things I want to tell you, teach you. More later!

Happy Birthday mah dahlin'

11 years ago, at this moment (in India) I was in the labor room. Eagerly straining waiting to see if I'll get my wish - a baby girl. I did!

Happy birthday darling. May you live to be... a hundred and three... and many more, many more....

Time matters

We have been struggling with teaching S to manage her time properly. She is a daydreamer, this girl. And likes to chat. Loves her little sister to bits too. So before you know it, a 15 minute homework has stretched to over 45 minutes because she was day dreaming and then started telling me about something funny that happened at school and HAD to respond to the sweet "didi, didi!" calls of her little monster sister.

I talked to her teacher about it and she reassured me that S is one of the most organized students she has. Always finishes her tasks on time. I think that is because there is no one nagging reminding her to hurry up every half hour. She knows she has to deliver and knows the consequences of not delivering. Well, it is definitely not the same at home so I have been wondering how to handle this. 

There was a time when mornings in Kay household used to be scream fests. "BRUSH YOUR TEETH FAST!!", "HOW MUCH LONGER?", "GET OUT OF THE SHOWER NOW!!" etc. used to be the oft screamed sentences. Then I got a hold of myself one day and decided not to scream any more. I found that was more effective. Things got better for S' ears and my lungs. And mornings became kind of peaceful. Lately, the chaos has been returning slowly. S is taking longer in mornings. And takes forever to get ready for bed. Her official bed time is 9.30 pm. But she never manages to get in before 10. This irritates me no end. I give stern talkings to. I glare. I hiss. I pout. I sometimes yell too. Last night I got exasperated and decided to try out a new way.

S has been told that starting today, we will not remind her to do ANYTHING. She knows she has to do her homework and chores, and her bedtime is 9.30. If she gets to bed by that time, well and good. Otherwise she can get in bed at whatever time she does. We will wake her up at 7 every morning. And if she manages to get ready in time to catch the bus, I will drop her off at the bus stop. If not, she will miss school and stay home. I will do my job - wake her up, get lunch and dinner ready in time, get her to appointments and classes and love her. She will have to do her job - do her homework, chores and get to bed in time. If she can, very well. If not, we won't lose our patience at her or yell at her. We refuse to make her lack of time management skills our problem. Let's see how this goes.

Update: Day 1 - she got one reminder from me to look at the time. Got in bed by 9.45 pm, which wasn't bad but could have been better. But it was infinitely better because I didn't spend the evening hissing "Look at the time and hurry up!!" Day 2 - she caught the bus! With just one reminder from me to keep an eye on the time, she was ready in time. INFINITELY better since we didn't have to keep going to the stairs (she uses the bathroom upstairs) to ask her "HOW much longer?" :P We'll see how does the rest of the week go.

Of respect in relationships: Friendship

S has been having some problems with a friend of hers. Some time ago I would have said they are "good" friends but lately I have been questioning that. The said "friend" (lets call her A) tries to boss S around and when she stands up for herself (a relatively new skill for which I am very proud of her), A gets nasty and says hurtful things to S. She also says hurtful and untrue things about S behind her back to other girls. When S steps back from the friendship A apologizes, is nice for a few days (or hours) and then the cycle repeats. S is also getting tired of this routine. I have been trying my best not to dictate what S should do - or what I think S should do, which is to sever all ties with this girl. One day she is all determined to cut the friendship off when she is smarting from the latest insult A has thrown at her, the next day she is feeling sorry for A because she doesn't have any friends. This girl is so obnoxious that she really doesn't have too many friends. And the girls (and boys) who ARE friends with her are subject to the same treatement and are wary of her. One girl's mother has forbidden all contact between the two girls which is feasible for her since the two girls are not in the same class and are going to be in different middle schools next year.

All this while I have been coaching S in what to say and how to stand up for herself without being nasty in return. Now, I have had friends disagree with me on this but I sincerely believe if S can learn the skills to stand up for herself without being nasty or mean, it would be for her own good. She will need those skills when she goes out in the big bad world - where she will definitely need to work with all sorts of people. A little diplomacy in expressing her feelings will go a long way for S then - that is what I feel. I certainly don't want her to be all nice and sweet in all situations - I just want her to resort to nastiness as a last option. I want her to have a backbone and claws but I also want her to keep her claws sheathed until it is absolutely necessary to go on a full frontal attack.

I have had a good friend also disagree with me on whether I should force S to break her friendship with A. I say no, she says yes and she has already told her daughter not to keep any contact with A. She says, as a mom, it is her responsibility to protect her daughter from such "friends" and to make sure she (the daughter) doesn't unnecessarily go through the heartbreak of being in an abusive friendship. I respect her opinion, and respectfully disagree with her too. I feel these are life's little opportunities for S to learn how to stand up for herself and how to work at creating healthy relationships. ALL relationships need hard work. No relationship can survive if the people involved are not putting in a sincere effort. And, in all healthy relationships, respect flows both ways. It should and if it isn't, I would term that relationship as deficient, if not outright abusive. I also feel S should learn when and how to end a relationship. It is a hard thing to learn. I haven't been able to do that yet. I sometimes wonder if it is unreasonable of me to expect a 10 year old to learn what I haven't been able to, in 38+ years. But I believe by giving her an early start, and full understanding and support, I am giving her the chance I never got at learning this.

There is no point behind this post of mine. I am just trying to sort my thoughts on this. A's mom has become a good friend and has helped me a lot on many occasions. I have thought about talking to her about A's behavior towards S but have decided against it for a few reasons.

1. I am a complete chicken.

2. I want S to resolve this on her own, one way or the other. I do not want to step in because I see her learning to deal with such sticky situations herself and I also see her confidence growing.

3. How do you go to a good friend and say "I am sorry but your daughter is obnoxious!!"?

MY concern is how to let S distance herself from A without distancing myself from A's mom? Why am I worried about this friendship? Because I have learnt that children may fight like cats and dogs one day but get along fabulously on another day. And that children grow and change. So I hope A will change a little, or that S will learn how to maintain this friendship without getting bulldozed by A. I do admire many qualities of A's and do feel that both girls can benefit from each other. Also, I believe it is easier to break a relationship than to keep it going and super-difficult to mend it after breaking it. So one should break a relationship if, and only if, one is a 110% sure about doing it.

I have had some friendships that have taken a long time in developing and some are still a little shaky. But I still keep giving them "some more time". Not because I am an undecisive fool, but because I believe a beautiful, life-long friendship could emerge out of these relationships if they get enough time and effort. But I am also strong enough now to not let these relationships hurt me if they don't go the right way. I think I am capable of breaking ties if someone seriously hurts me. In fact, I think I always keep a thin shell aorund me to protect myself from any potential hurts. Just prior experience which resulted into this habit.

One thing that I have noticed is lack of respect in some friendships. Even in adult friendships. People take their friends for granted. Expect favors, but don't return them. Are rude because they CAN. Or under the guise of being their friend's well-wisher. The biggest issue I have seen is lack of appreciation. If someone does something for you, you just shrug it off saying "Oh, I would have done the same thing for him/her".

My father's death has made me take a deeper look within myself for many reasons. One of the reasons was HIS friendships and relationshsips. He, and my mom, have a huge social circle. Pa used to remember everyone's anniversaries, birthdays and other small things like their kids' likes and dislikes. He would email or call people on every little occasion. He was our link to the rest of the family. And because of him, we had so much support after he was gone. In the days after his funeral, I and my brother were surrounded by at least 12 first cousins. They were there because Pa kept everyone in our lives. Ma has played a part in all this too - all my life I have seen my parents house some kid or other while they study in some college/school in Jodhpur. Ma loved feeding people. If friends visited us at lunch or dinner time, they were treated to a sumptuous meal - no matter how last minute their arrival was. Together, Ma and Pa have built such a strong support-net for us. I hope I can leave a similar net for my kids one day. And I believe the first step to that is respecting my friends for what they do for me, and how they love and care for me. At the same time I will remember that I deserve the same respect from them and if I don't get it then maybe it is time to trim that part of my friendship tree.

We lived to tell the tale

Tale of 13 girls and a birthday party. And then 8 girls and their sleepover. Really, if you knew how much cumulative lung power a collection of girls can carry, you'd be ringing us up and asking after our healths right now! Or maybe you'd be emailing us because we have gone deaf with all the shrieking and screaming and can't hear the phone ring now.

S' birthday was on October 31st - as it is every year, in case you didn't know. And we decided to keep it low key - mainly because I wasn't feeling up to a party right after losing my dad. I didn't want to tell her to go without a party this year either (and SHE did suggest it) because frankly, I think this is the time when we NEED all the social interaction we can get. At least I do. It takes my mind off of my loss and brings me out of the self-pity mode.

So, just 3 days before the party I sent out the invitations. A simple email, telling the occasion, date(Friday November 7th) and time(7:30 - 10:30 pm). And mentioning that this will be a Pajama party and the girls could sleep over if they wanted. I wasn't expecting anyone to accept the sleepover invitation, considering the fact that most of the parents didn't know me. But SEVEN out of the 13 girls we invited, decided to sleep over. And 12 accepted the invitation. The 13th girl couldn't come because of a sore throat.

On the day of the party, I almost didn't do anything the whole day. Just cleaned up a little bit here and there. Then started cleaning at 4, and was done by 6 with J and S' help. At 6:10 or so I stepped out to get some party supplies which included popcorn (they were going to watch a movie) and some other snacks, nailpolish, nail files and nailpolish remover for the girls who were going to sleep over (found these cute little bottles in funky colors, which the girls got to take home), an icecream cake and pizza that J had ordered over the phone. I was an epitome of efficiency that day - was back with ALL the supplies by 7:20! It included stopping at the bakery of the supermarket to add S' name to the cake.

All in all, the girls had mega fun. I never knew 10 year old girls could put away so much pizza, cheesy bread and soda/juice. AND bagsful of popcorn after eating all that! But I was well prepared. We didn't run out of food even the next morning when all the girls had breakfast before leaving. For once I was glad that my freezer and pantry are ALWAYS full of food. I didn't even have to run out for milk. Toaster Strudels, waffles, Cheerios and milk - and 8 happy (not so) little (anymore) girls.

The sleepover was fun, even if very tiring. After the others left, I handed out the nail colors and they set out to color each other's nails. Some found a few board games and played while a few others watched TV. NO arguments, NO fights, NO cattiness. The best behaved bunch of girls I have ever seen. At 12 I started sending them to brush their teeth one by one. At 12:20 or so, S oppened her gifts. Then lights out at 1 am. And then multiple reminders to the girls to go to sleep and stop shouting. Then I told them that if they woke the baby with their loud voices, she will be ALL THEIRS till the morning. THAT did the trick :) They still didn't go to sleep right away but talked only in whispers. Finally every last one of them dozed off, and I popped myself some popcorn, surfed the net and then went to sleep at 2:30 am.

All in all - a very exciting night, some good fun and a surge of confidence for mom and dad. We are now planning to have these pajama parties every now and then.

Here are a few pics:

The Cake

Watching the movie:

M settles down with Big Sis to watch the movie:

Dumbing it down

My mind is boggled. I had heard this happens, but never thought it would happen to US! You know how we always assume bad things happen to others but never, once, think about what if they happened to us? Yes, like that. Maybe it isn't all that terrible. Maybe I am over reacting.

Yeah. That's what it is. I AM over reacting. On purpose. To draw you in, create a mysterious air. So that when you are three paragraphs deep into the post and find out it was only about me breaking a leg, you'll say "I've come this far, let me read this to the end". Only, it isn't about me breaking my leg. There. Gotcha!!

Sorry folks. I am in a silly mood today :) Couldn't help but take your trip. What I am really bugged about is the use of calculators in ELEMENTARY schools. Now, if you are one of those who think it's no big deal, please PLEASE do take a minute and leave me a comment with your views on this. I am just not able to comprehend why a 5th grader would need to use a calculator. And I did ask my daughter to show me the problems that she was told by her teacher to use a calculator for.

1.5 x 1,000

4,000 / 1,000

1.5 x 10

I am not kidding. I copied these questions directly from her homework assignment. This, for a kid who is already solving simple linear equations in one variable at KUMON. She is doing JUNIOR HIGH ALGEBRA at KUMON. And she has been told by her class teacher she could use a calculator to solve problems like the ones I have listed above. Now, I accept that the teacher said "could", but anyone who knows how 9 year old kids' minds work will immediately know that for them a "could" uttered by their teacher means "should".

My problem is not how to stop her from using a calculator, and I will list my reasons shortly. My problem is how to make her understand that she doesn't need to. That I am not a parent from hell for making her use her brains. That she is not uncool for not using a calculator. That, in fact, she should be considered super-cool for not needing a calculator for the stupid problems. How, in this screwed-up society where anyone doing good in academics is immediately ostracized for being a nerd, can I protect my daughter from the heartache that she will definitely face sometime in the future for being good at what she is supposed to be doing at school - studies. These are a few of my problems. Another problem is - how do I strike a balance between letting my daughter experience the thrill of finally using a calculator like older kids and making her use her brain for math that comes as easy to her as a tumble in the grass?

Now my reason for not wanting her to use a calculator for such simple math. It will rot her brains. As simple as that. OK - I am being dramatic. But what I mean is, she will lose her mathematical skills if she doesn't use them on a regular basis. Anyone who has studied math (and enjoyed it) would agree that math is all about practice. The more you practice, the better you get. The less you practice, more you forget. So if she starts using a calculator for such problems, she will start forgetting the simples principles and methods. We are not talking about someone who has been multiplying-dividing for a better part of 15 years. If that person starts using a calculator, they don't run the risk of forgetting the basic concepts. Though I can say with surety that they WILL lose some of their speed if they use the calculator long enough (not that it matters - if they are using math just for their day-to-day activities). But if a 9 year old, who has done multiplication-division for only a couple of years, and who still needs practice to keep up with her skills, starts using a calculator, you can be damn sure she is going to forget some concepts. She already did - couldn't figure out where to place the decimal point in the first problem.

I hate this trend of dumbing things down for the sake of those who can't keep up. We don't spend time in bringing the ones struggling up to the par. We push the others, who are doing well, down to their level. J and I didn't use calculators until we reached college. The first time I used a SIMPLE calculator (not a scientific one) was in B.Sc. second year for differential math. We studied trigonometry and probability, among other topics in 12th grade and weren't allowed to use calculators. So forgive me if I scoff at the idea of using a calculator for these stupid math problems.

So J and I explained our reasoning to her. She wasn't happy. She says even though she is sad over our decision, she can "live with it". I did propose a compromise - she can use the calculator occasionally in school, but not for her homework. And we told her we will revisit the issue once the problems they are working upon get more difficult. You see, if the rest of the class uses calculators and she doesn't, she will fall behind on the basis of speed. Which means either the class will have to wait for her or she will miss some problems. So when it becomes she can't keep up with their speed, we will let her use a calculator. But then THAT makes me mad. Why should a child have to use a calculator just because other kids are using it. When she is perfectly capable of doing all that math mentally? I will bring this up during the parent-teacher conferences in November but I don't think I am going to get a satisfactory answer. So I have to find an answer of my own. I have to strike my own balance. Any suggestions?

A field trip and a few questions

Warning: A jumbled post ahead. Read at the risk of getting a migraine!

S went on a Team building field trip with her class this Monday to the YMCA in a town about 27 miles from here. Parents volunteered to drive the kids to and from there. Most field trips are like that - parents volunteer to chaperon or drive. I got laid off from my job last month so I grabbed this opportunity to go on a field trip with my daughter and get to see her classmates, to see how she interacts with them and to generally be with her.

There were two instructors who led the entire class through some fun games and activities that also help build team spirit. First they played a modified version of tag, then were given a "puzzle" which they solved by brainstorming together. All the while the instructors were driving home the point that things get easier when you work as a team, and that working as a team also means listening to your team. A very important lesson for 9 and 10 year old kids, believe me. Heck, an important lesson for many adults I know.

Then they were led into the woods on the YMCA property for more activities. One was rock climbing. They had a 45 feet tall wall made for rock climbing. The kids were told they will each get one chance to climb it but they had the "right to pass". S' school has this concept of "right to pass" where any child can take a pass on any activity if they don't feel comfortable doing it. I think it is a good idea because it prevents hurt self-esteems of kids who are forced to do something and fail, and it reduces teasing to a great extent. Everyone knows that all kids have the right to pass, so no one gets teased for opting out of an activity. Also, those who try and fail feel better that they at least tried.

Most of the kids tried, one opted to pass. Then when he saw how much fun it was to be swung down on a rope, he decided to give it a try too. The first kid climbed the ladder (the base of the wall was about 10 feet above ground and they had to use a ladder to get there) and as soon as he grabbed the first rock, he got scared and wanted to come down. No big deal, as these were just 10 year old kids. S went next and she decided she couldn't proceed after climbing 2 or 3 rocks. Down she came. Then the 3rd or 4th kid climbed the wall all the way to top and rang the bell. After that two girls scaled the entire wall. And there were a few other kids from the second group who did it too. The most interesting part of the wall climbing exercise was the reaction of the first boy's (let's call him R) dad, Mr. G. When the first girl climbed the wall to the top, he said out loud "Are you boys going to let a girl beat you?"

Later we proceeded to another activity where there were 5 tyres hanging from a rope tied between two tall trees. The tyres hung at different heights and the challenge was to move from one tyre to the other without touching the ground. If someone got stuck their teammates helped out by swinging into them to push them towards the next tyre. The first kid to reach the last tyre held on to the second-last tyre so they could swing it out to the next person. If someone touched the ground, they started all over again. R couldn't manage to do this one either and he really didn't mind. He was busy having fun, which WAS the ultimate goal. N, the girl who had scaled the wall, did this one fairly easily too. So Mr. G started pushing his son to do it because he couldn't "let a girl win". He was encouraging the girls and complimenting them on the accomplishments too, but he also kept saying "are you going to let a girl beat you?" all the time. I guess he thought he was providing a challenge and encouragement to the boys. He even got upset at his son because his son "is a boy scout and should be able to do such activities easily". The son, at one point, got upset at him for which I really don't blame him. When this had been going on for about 15-20 minutes, one boy turned to Mr. G (right after one of his "Are you gonna let a girl beat you?" remarks) and said "Mr. G, ever heard of being a gentleman?" to which Mr. G replied an enthusiastic "Of course!" The boy turned back and muttered loud enough for all of us to hear "Of course you have!". I gave him a mental high-five. Mr. G went strangely quiet after that, though he still did make sure that his son completed that activity at least ONE time.

What IS it with over-competitive parents? Can't they let their kids be? Just once let them enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination? Someone told me about a mom who was asking another parent about a technology magnet middle school in a nearby town. One of her questions? "How many kids from this school make it to Harvard and MIT?" I mean, come on! You are talking about middle school students. Give them an ambition by all means, but don't go around with a rigid yardstick for measuring success. S is very good at math. She is doing junior high algebra at KUMON while the rest of her class is still struggling with double digit multiplication and long division. While I would like for her to go into technology field (the sole reason being J and I understand technology better than we understand anything else and I know she has a similar aptitude), she has expressed interest in becoming a vet. I know at this age ambitions are not permanent. They can change a million times before they arrive at the point where they actually have to choose a career. But I would never even dream of telling S that one career could be better over something of her choice. Yes, I would like to give her facts, and maybe ask her to weigh her decision carefully (when she is old enough to make such decisions) but I would NEVER tell her what she should do. Then sometimes I think maybe I am doing this all wrong? Maybe I should push her, force her, tell her, impose my wishes a little more on her? I dunno. I sincerely hope I am doing the right thing.

Another thing that struck me at the field trip was the other extreme of this "make every kid feel valued" movement. Know how "all kids are special"? Which translates to "losers are as successful as winner because... well, because ALL of us are special". What IS it with this killing of the competitive spirit? A little, healthy competition can be very good for kids. They learn a lot of things from it - sportsman spirit, the drive to succeed, how to be a graceful loser. When the first kid scaled the climbing wall, S' teacher declared every kid who reached the top of that wall will receive five "school dollars". In S' school, kids receive these fake dollars for good behavior or a good academic performance etc. They can save these dollars and buy anything from the school store (that carries donated, but new, items or things like homework passes etc.) When the teacher declared the award, one kid immediately piped up - "It isn't fair to kids who can't get to the top". That really amused me and also made me a little sad and concerned. We have made our kids so politically correct that they have forgotten (or maybe never learnt) that good performance is awarded with rewards while a less-than-good performance doesn't get anything. That, to get a reward, you need to put in little more effort. It IS sad, isn't it? What also bothered me was that the teacher didn't grab that opportunity to discuss this with the kid(s).

Today I went to S' school to meet with the teacher who runs the Academically Talented (AT) program. A child needs to be placed in "Advanced" level for reading and writing to be recommended for AT. S missed the advanced level in writing by just 5 points (a small margin) and in reading by 15 points (a bigger one). So I know she cannot be recommended for the program, and she understands that too. And frankly, I am not very concerned about it either. In my opinion, the AT program does give them an opportunity to do many interesting things but it doesn't make or break anything for them academically. I just wanted to understand the procedure and requirements for being placed in advance placement classes in middle or high school. During my conversation with the teacher, she mentioned that I can tell S that apart from her actual performance, there are many other "stupid" factors that decide whether a student can be in AT or not. She meant to say - your daughter's lower-than-required score is not her fault. Well, I disagreed with her. My daughter's scores - good or bad - ARE a result of her efforts. Just like she won't credit someone else for a good score, she can't blame someone else for a bad one either.

I have seen and heard of parents covering for their kids bad performances in tests. Moms call professors in their kids' college to "talk" about their scores. I don't know - if my parents ever did that, I would have disowned them for humiliating me so completely. Parents hover over their kids while they do their homework, write their reports for them. This might be considered "good parenting" but I am sure the college professors won't be receiving a phone call from this mom. If my daughter didn't study for an exam, she WILL face the consequences. When will we let our kids take the responsibility for their actions and face the music? The sooner we do that in their lives, the better it is for them. This lesson learnt early in life means there are less costly mistakes further down the line. When will the parents understand that?

Of respect in relationships

S and I are developing a routine where we go to the library every Monday. She is all showered and homeworked when I get home on Mondays. Then we have dinner and then head out to the library around 8. The library stays open late, until 9 pm, on Mondays. S gets two videos/dvds and a few books if she is done reading the current ones. I get a book, or not - depending on my mood and schedule.

Today while coming back from the library, we somehow started talking about relationships - as in boyfriends and husbands. S mentioned she hopes she'd find an Indian guy just like her daddy - who'd be as good a husband to her as her dad is to me (and that J is the best husband anyone could ever have is a fact). I grabbed that chance with both hands to talk to her about something I had been thinking of for a long time. Respect in a relationship. Specially, a husband's respect for his wife. Which, in my opinion, is more or less absent in many relationships I have seen around me. The husbands love their wives alright, care about them and for them too. But they don't hold respect for their wives' opinions on "serious" matters. Some, I have seen, don't even respect their wives - period. For them, respect flows from wife to husband, not the other way round. Sure, equal marriages are on the rise and I have many more friends who will jump in and say their marriage is an equal relationship. And I will agree with them. I am just talking about the relationships I have been observing at close quarters.

So, I got talking to S about respect in a relationship and how she should expect nothing less. This, I think, is what ALL parents need to teach their daughters. EXPECT respect from your partner. If you don't get it, the relationship isn't right for you. I also had this conversation with S because just today I and a few blogger friends were discussing why professionally competent women, beautiful women, successful women stay in abusive relationships. In my opinion it is directly related to their self-esteem and, in some cases, lack of support from parents. I want S to understand that no relationship is bigger than her self-esteem and happiness. That there is, and should always be, a way out from an abusive relationship. Sometimes I worry that she might end up in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical. It can be verbal and emotional too - and that is why I stressed on the "respect" aspect of a relationship. If your partner respects you, he/she will not abuse you in any way. That is my simplistic theory. And I hope S never has/needs to test it.

I have a cousin who is in an abusive marriage. Many family members agree on it - even though they probably wouldn't categorize it as "abusive". And that is not because it isn't so, but because the definition of an "abusive relationship" is very blurred and confusing. Coming back to the cousin - I asked her younger sister why she doesn't walk out on the marriage? Sister says because she wants to give her daughters stability and doesn't want to subject them to a broken home. Also, because she gets almost no support from her dad. Her dad, my uncle, tells her to "adjust". I feel there is only a certain limit to which a person can, and should, adjust. I also think this is the cruelest thing Indian parents (mostly) do to their daughters. Telling them to adjust. How can a person ignore what their daughter is going through and just issue a blanket dictate to "adjust"? My blood boils at it. Parents have the DUTY to cultivate enough self-confidence in their daughters so that they don't stay stuck in an abusive relationship. I, personally, wouldn't even depend on my parents to get me out of an abusive relationship (unless I needed their help in getting out safely). I would end a relationship the minute it started bordering on abuse. And go out and make a life for myself and my kids. Support from my parents would be welcome and appreciated but I wouldn't depend on it. I guess that kind of attitude depends on two factors - a person's temperament and their support system, namely parents and other close family members. If my parents brought me up in a traditional way, I might have had the same mind set. But then the same cousin's sister walked out of her home and declared she was going to report her in-laws to the police for abuse. She had been having issues at her in-law's place too. Just the declaration brought her in-laws (and husband) back to their senses and now she lives with them minus the issues. Real sisters, same parents, same (non-existent) support system. Two different outcomes. So, it really does depend on the person too. This is what I want S to understand. That she will have options. And she will have J's and my support.

I told J about this conversation when we got home (and after S had gone to bed). He agreed that he would encourage S to walk out of a relationship if it got abusive. That we will teach her to place her safety and peace of mind above everything else. I pray that S and M find partners who really love and respect them. Another thought springs into my mind with this sentence. At a recent party, a friend commented that she just hopes her sons (she has two) bring home Indian girls. She meant to say she isn't going to be particular about caste or religion. Another said she just hopes they bring home a girl (she has two sons too). She doesn't care about caste, religion OR nationality. My question is - what if your child comes home and tells you he/she is gay? Personally, I just hope that my daughters find a loving partner. Frankly I'll blow my top if one of my daughters told me she doesn't want to go to college but I won't blink an eye if she informed me that she is a lesbian. Really. I have given it serious thought and I know how I feel. Looking at all the unequal and/or unhappy marriages around me, all I want is for my daughters to find partners who truly care about them. Who would love them, respect them and be their support when I am gone.

And I hope somewhere, someone is teaching their sons (and daughters) about respecting their life-partner too.

Silly Numbers - again

Mitthi Mouse is 9 years and 9 months old today

Update on Tough times never last

So, after having sufficiently freaked out people with my previous post, with what S said and what my job situation looks like, I decided to take a break from blogging. Well, not "decided" as such - a break was forced upon me. By circumstances and my busy schedule.

Anyhoo. I decided I owed all the wonderful people, who left me comments and who called/emailed me after reading the previous post, an update.

S is not grounded any more. After reading Vinita and Dotthought's comments, I forwarded them to my husband and we decided to go with Vinita's suggestion and imposed a "30 minute violin practice" consequence on her. Anon's (n!) comment also helped me put things in perspective from S' side. So the practice requirement was not conveyed as a punishment but more as the consequence she needed to face for her action, along with lots of reassurances that we were/are not upset with her. And I am taking a day off on Monday to spend with her as per Desigirl's suggestion. Will take her out to the movies and lunch.

S and I have been writing in the journal (almost) regularly. Both of us look forward for the other to write in it. I even catch myself thinking of something from my childhood to put in there. She is getting an idea that all kids behave the way she did sometime or the other. I have explained to her that the most important part is what you do after you realize you made a mistake. If, after making a mistake, you keep repeating it, you are no better off than when you made the mistake the first time. But if you rectify your mistake and make sure not to repeat it, you have learned something from it. She still sometimes tells me she feels bad about it and every time I remind her "It happened, it is in the past, done and over with". I think that kind of reassures her.

As for "feel like killing myself" bit - a huge reassurance came to me from my mother in the form of an email. She wrote this -

I came to know about Mitthi's disappointment through your blog. Seems that she is going through some hormonal changes which are responsible for such feelings .Its a transitory phase and will be over soon ,but she needs special attention from both of you at present which you are providing without any dearth.I remember when you were the same age once in the night when i was lying besides you and talking to you affectionately you suddenly told me "mummy some times i feel like jumping in front of a car when i go to school '.And how worried i felt inside need not mention. But instantly i caressed you ,and made you realize that this act of your will shatter me and if you feel like this again pl. think of your ma and pa who won't and can't live without you .And after that i kept a secret watch on you and expressed my love and concern frequently.Afterwards you never uttered or felt like doing it again. This is an experience of a mother who so strongly loves her kids !Your careful handling of the situation will definitely lessen Mitthi's tensions .

So peeps, it runs in the family! The girls in this family are over-dramatic and will go to any lengths to get their parents' attention :D

Tough times never last,...

...tough people do. I have always believed in that. But boy! This business of being tough people is not easy! The past few weeks (or has it been a month already?) have been tough in various ways at various times. I was sick. Very. Then I had to study for an exam. Which I couldn't. Flunked the exam. Not blaming anyone/anything for it. Not making any excuses either. Flunking the exam didn't make or break anything for me - it was a re-certification and I still have time. I am confident I can do it. Will reschedule the exam and this time I will definitely pass it. Or, I promise you, I won't write about flunking it ;)

A couple of weeks ago I learned that my company is probably preparing to lay me off/ fire me along with a few others. I think it is a business/financial reason. I am the kind of person who "hopes for the best and prepares for the worst". So this particular revelation has only helped me. I am not broken-hearted upon learning it though, truthfully, I was pissed in the beginning. I don't believe in doing the kind of petty things one of my former bosses did - he deleted a lot of information regarding his work from the company network before leaving. I don't think it caused any serious damage though it did cause major inconveniences. He left without telling us some major passwords and the company had to shell out some dough (and waste precious time) in getting those passwords reset. I am not that kind of person. So I am not deleting anything I have worked on. But this has left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I have had certain major issues but I have always refrained from blogging about them and will do the same even now. Moving on!

S has been having some emotional issues. Or, I should say, her emotional issues have been emerging lately. Turns out she did experience some sibling rivalry. Her way to get back at the baby? She mixed some regular Vicks Vaporub with the baby's. I and J had a good laugh at it :P For about 3 weeks now, she has been telling me "bad" things she has been doing. Like *GASP* not brushing her teeth properly! Or, eating some candy on the sly. She even didn't wash her hands after going to the bathroom a few times!! Frankly, I found most of her confessions funny. And I felt RELIEF!! Yes, I am not kidding. All these years I have been beating myself up that I have straitjacketed my daughter in rules so tightly that she has forgotten how to behave like a kid. Turns out she didn't. Only, she didn't tell us that she was being a kid :D But I do discuss every "confession" with her to see if she understands why she was required to do/ not do certain things in the first place. And then I let it go with "It's OK. It's done. It's in the past now".

One confession that did get her grounded (with suitable explanations which were completely understood by her) was that she had skipped most of her strings lessons at school to go to the gym. J and I had two issues with it. One - we pay FOUR frickin' HUNDRED dollars a year to rent that violin for her and if she isn't even using it, that's money down the drain. Two (more important) - it is a safety issue. Say, she skips strings class to go to the gym. Strings teacher thinks she isn't in the school. Gym teacher isn't expecting her in the gym. The school catches fire and needs to be evacuated. Will someone miss her and look for her? I know it is a far fetched reason, but please refer to the "hope for the best and prepare for the worst" statement above. So, she has been grounded with "no media, no play dates" for 2 weeks. Media includes TV (of course!), videos, DVDs/CD's, video games and Wii. She cannot fill the time left open by lack of media with books. She has to help around the house during that time. You can send her sympathies for the double-meanie parents she has and I promise I will convey the sympathies to her :D

Now, S says she is extremely sad. All these confessions have made her realize what a terrible kid she is (her words, not mine). Three nights ago she said she sometimes felt like killing herself - she feels that bad. Said she feels like going into the kitchen and stabbing herself with a knife. That wrenched my gut. And stabbed my heart with fear. I don't want to overreact, but I don't want to take it lightly either. I am thinking of talking to her doctor but am afraid of setting off some unnecessary alarm bells in the doctor's head. I asked S if I quit my job and stay at home and spend more time with her, would that make her feel better? She said my job is NOT the issue (again, her words, not mine). J and I are trying to get it across to her that all that she has done is not really terrible. It is just normal stuff that normal kids do. Any other ideas?

I have also borrowed an idea from her fourth grade teacher and implemented it. I have started a "Talk back Journal" with S in which we write letters to each other about random things. S' fourth grade teacher did that with all her students and I saw that those letters allowed kids to express feelings/thoughts that they were normally hesitant in expressing. We have each written about 2 letters to the other by now. In one of my letters I mentioned one goofy thing I did in my younger days. My intention was to tell her that ALL kids do it. I intend to write about a few other things I did that she might identify with. I and J have been continuously telling her that the mere fact that she came to us and owned up to all this has made us proud of her. How many kids do we know who would do something wrong and then go and fess up with their parents? None. Except her. It is a delicate balance we have to keep here - make her understand that all this is not as terrible as she thinks it is, and yet not to make her think that doing all this is OK as all kids do it. The rules were created for some reason, you know.

This, combined with the tension at work, is draining me out. To top it off, I have joined a fitness boot camp. Classes are form 5:30 to 6:30 AM, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. First class was yesterday. I have to wake up at 4:45 am now, to be able to get to the class by 5:20 am. Which means I have to get in bed by 9:30-10 pm. Which is almost impossible given that I get back home by 7 pm, spend some time with the girls (outdoors if the weather is nice, indoors otherwise), cook dinner, feed M (S eats by herself), give M her night-time bottle and put her to bed after J bathes her (J would do it gladly but I want that time with her), help S wash her hair if need be, put S to bed, eat dinner, pack lunches for next day and clean up and get a set of clothes ready for the next day. Doing all this in a short period of two and a half hours? Seems impossible. But I hope to pull it off - with some heavy duty help from J.

So, this is what has kept me from blogging for the past so many weeks. I know I have to write a "One Year" post, and one on the budday party, and another one is lined up about some gems from S. A lot to do. No time to do it :(

**Insert evil laughter here**

S participated in an Olympic Torch Run held by her school yesterday. A very impressive event that I am planning a separate post on. Towards the end of the event, when all the kids were assembled in the field, she stumbled and fell, and sprained her foot. All evening yesterday was spent by mom and dad providing TLC to her and her foot. Cold compresses, followed by hot compresses, anti-inflammatory ointment massages.... We were hoping she'd be better by morning which turned out not to be the case. She went limping to the school. I hardened my heart and let her ride the bus, because I had a nagging suspicion that she was limping more for the effect than because of the hurt (Yeah - MBO. Meanie of the Biggest Order - that's me!).

I did leave a message for her classteacher that she be excused from lap running that they normally are required to do for their health class. I received a call from her a little while ago that I unfortunately missed. She left me a garbled (read whiny) message saying I should talk to Mrs. M and explain something (didn't quite understand what) to her. I sort of panicked thinking Mrs. M was probably trying to get her to run laps because she hadn't checked the voicemail I left her. So I called the school and left my cell phone number requesting to be called back. Mrs. M called and wanted to know what exactly could S do without aggravating her injury. Like jungle gym, swings, running on the field, playing four corners - what? I said nothing - I would rather she sit on a bench and not tax her foot.

Now here is where the evil laughter comes in. I called J right after this and told him about this incident. Then we got to talking about the possibility that S might get mad at not being able to play because, just maybe, she exaggerated the limp to get out of running laps :) I mean she might have thought that she'd get out of running laps but still get to have fun on the swings and the monkey bars. I know how a 9 year old's mind works. And we agreed that if her foot is really hurting then she needs to sit out of all activities. And if it is not really hurting then she REALLY needs to sit out of all the fun to learn that you can't always have your cake and eat it too.

Wot say?

MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mad. Hoppin' mad.

I am mad at S' teacher. Its been slowly building up but now I am at a point where I am ready to explode. When S first got assigned to her class, we were happy. We had heard good things about this teacher. On the day of parent orientation, she seemed attentive and courteous enough. She asked each parent what their social and academic goals for their child were and she actually wrote the answers down in a small notebook. I thought "Wow! Here is someone who is not just talk". She even gave us her home phone number and encouraged us to call her in the evenings if we wanted to discuss something with her. And to be fair, she does take calls when we call her, and talks to us.

Even now I am only mad at her for just one thing. Otherwise I think she is a good enough teacher. From what S tells me, she has a sarcastic tongue and rolls her eyes at kids and is too opinionated about certain things - but that I am willing to live with if my child is learning well in her class and isn't being traumatized with all the eye rolling. In fact, S seems to be one of her favorite students so I don't have anything to complain about there.

Now a little background on why I am mad. The Norwalk school system has an "Academically talented" program in which kids who are considered "gifted" or capable of taking more challenges than other kids are instructed on something above and beyond the curriculum. Frankly I never cared if S got in this program or not. I thought she would get in on her own merit if she was good enough. But a few friends convinced me to at least talk to the teacher about it saying sometimes teachers wait for the parents to bring it up. That seemed kind of strange to me because if you have a program that has certain criteria one has to meet in order to get in then one should get in if they met the criteria irrespective of whether their parents talked to the teacher or not. Right? Apparently not so.

Anyway. I talked to Mrs. Z, S' teacher. And she gushed about how academically advanced S is and how she cannot imagine why S isn't in the AT program already and how some other kids who have no business being in the program are in there and how she WILL recommend S for the program this year. I told her I was not looking to get my daughter in at all costs, but I was just asking her for her opinion. She asked to look at the standardized test results for S from last year and I sent her a copy. She looked at them and said S indeed had achieved advanced level in math and writing but was on (the upper side of) the goal level (range) for reading and that is why she didn't get in the AT program (a child needs to be placed in advanced level for reading to qualify for the program). I knew that already. I told her I thought that if S had the potential to be in that program, then I thought I owed it to her to help her try and achieve it. If, after trying, she still couldn't get into the program, I'd be OK with the decision - she would have at least tried. If a little help is all she needed to get from goal level to advanced level in reading then I thought I should give her that help. Mrs. Z said she will work with S on her reading skills and she was confident S will improve her reading skills enough to become eligible for the program. She even started working with S on her reading skills initially.

In March, during the parent-teacher conference, Mrs. Z raved about how S' comprehension skills were so much better than most of the other students and how she was the only one to have correctly answered a few questions based on a particular passage while the rest of the class got it completely wrong. She said she was definitely going to recommend S for the AT program. I reminded her again that I wanted S to go into that program only if she was eligible because I definitely don't want her to be in a program which is above her level as that would stress her out more.

So all year long, every time we talked to Mrs. Z, she raved and gushed about how S was doing so well and yes, she was "AT material". Then, when I thought the deadline for recommending students to the AT program much be approaching, I called her and left her a message. She called me back to tell me she was waiting for the standardized test results for this year before she recommends S as she wanted to make absolutely sure that S' grades justified the recommendation. That was the first time I felt a little odd - hadn't she been saying all along that she WILL recommend S for the program? And I knew the results wouldn't be out until May or June by which time the deadline would have gone by. She assured me we would still have time.

Now, two days ago, I learnt that the deadline has indeed passed. So now even if Mrs. Z wanted to, (I am questioning her intentions now) she wouldn't be able to recommend S for the program. I left her a message citing all this (our past conversations and her recent stance on waiting for the results) and asked her why did she lead us to believe that S would be recommended for the program when she didn't want to? She called our home number a couple of hours back (and I am sure she did it on purpose - to avoid talking to me, otherwise she would have called me on my cellphone like she has done in the past for other issues. And I left my cell phone number for her in my message. Its her bad luck that J is at home today and received the call) and told J that she didn't recommend S because "her test results from grade 2 weren't good enough and now it is too late anyway". We already knew that. I'd rather not go into my theory regarding why her results weren't as good as they could have been because that would need another lengthy post. And that IS why we asked her to assess S' performance during THIS year to determine if she could qualify for the program. There IS such a provision in the regulations for doing this so we weren't asking her to go out of her way to do this. We just asked her to follow procedure. Also, I did ask her about the deadline and at that time she said we had sufficient time.

So all this has pissed me off terribly. I am not mad because S didn't get into the program. I was ready for that result. And as I said earlier, if S doesn't qualify for the program, I don't want her to be in it as it will only stress her out. I am mad because the teacher raised false hopes. She should have been straightforward in her stance from the beginning and should have told us she didn't believe S should be in the program. We would have respected her decision. Maybe, she really believed initially that S should be in the program and as the year progressed, realized otherwise. But in that case, she should have told me so during our last conversation on this issue (during the March parent-teacher conference). But her review of S' performance in that parent teacher conference led me to believe that S had improved her reading comprehension skills considerably. I talked to another friend whose daughter is probably better in reading comprehension than S and I found out that Mrs. Z did the same thing to her. I feel cheated. I feel like an ass who has been walking for miles in hope of getting a bite out of that carrot dangling in front of its eyes. That's exactly how I feel.

TaDa!!

One tooth is beginning to peek out! This morning M grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth - right over the emerging tooth. It was as if she gave up waiting for her mom to put a probing finger in her mouth in search of new teeth and decided to declare the new arrival!

S got her first tooth the day she turned 10 months old. M got hers when she turned 10 months and a day. She followed her big sis in at least one thing. If this is any indicator of things to come (M following in S' footsteps) I can start relaxing right now :D My fear is that M is turning out too much like her mother.

Today is a big day for another reason - J and I celebrated our 16th "anniversary of togetherness". Today is the day he said "I love you" to me [for the second time]. Today we completed 16 years of that fabulous event. Yes, we still wish each other a happy anniversary on this day. We are that kind of romantics. We have stopped exchanging gifts. At least for as long as we have to pinch pennies to create a comfortable future.

Today was a whirlwind but I worked non-stop all evening to make sure I can get to bed in time. No such luck. While winding up the kitchen work, I noticed we didn't have warm water. Checked the heater and found out that the furnace wasn't working. That means no hot water, no heat. No can do - specially if the temperatures are still dipping at night. So we called the 24 hr. service number (around 11:15 pm) and they said someone will be over in a couple of hours. Well, it is 11:45 pm and he is already here. I like this kind of service! Will know in a few minutes if we will have heat and hot water for the night or if they are going to need to come back. Never a dull moment around here!

The visit with ENT specialist went well too. He said M still has fluid in her ears but the infection is gone. So, now we will watch her for signs of further infections. He said if she gets another infection within the month, he will talk to me about tubes. I asked him what is the minimum age for a baby to be a candidate for ear-tubes. He said he has put them in babies as little as 5 months old. He also said that for a baby her age, she hasn't had too many ear-infections. In other words, this many ear infections are normal in a baby her age. Well, that's funny because I don't remember S getting even a single ear infection at this age. The first one she had was at the age of 2.5 years (I think) and till date she has had about 2 or 3 maximum. What makes a baby extra vulnerable to ear infections? Just wondering.

This week has started with a bang - M gets her first teeth, we celebrate an anniversary, M goes without an ear infection for the first time in the last month or so (keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed :P I hope I haven't spoken too soon). Rest of the week seems promising too. J goes to NYC again for training from Wednesday to Friday. So I'll be doing The Juggle again. Friday is J's birthday. Looking forward to that even though I haven't a clue what I am going to get for him.

S and I went to the supermarket last weekend. While coming back, during conversation regarding my forgetfulness, S said "You could lie to dad about something and he'd believe you". I said I don't like to because 1) I just don't feel comfortable lying to him. A marriage should be based on trust and 2) if he catches me in a small lie, he might not trust me again for anything. I told her I wouldn't want to lose him over that. She says "You know, I love him more than you do". I said "How could that be possible?" She says (well I helped her in this deduction, but anyway) "I have loved him all my life while you have only loved him half your life". She has a point!

MOTHER of all ear-infections!!

Just as we were beginning to relax about M's health - after her struggles with diarrhea - the E-Monster (Ear infection) struck! One day she came back burning with fever from the daycare and the provider said she had been tugging at her ear. It was so long ago(more than 22 days) so I have forgotten the details. But I remember, we took her to the pediatrician's the next morning and she was prescribed Amoxycilin. A 10-day course as is normal for an ear infection. No big deal, I said. She was supposed to get two doses every day so we gave her one dose at 8 in the morning and the second at 8 pm, just before bed. She responded to the second dose and was back to her regular, happy self. This was the same week that J had to go to NYC for his training. He didn't go away for the whole week, just left at 7 in the morning and came back by 7. But since he was commuting so much, I told him I'd take care of M during nights so he could get some rest. And M co-operated by sleeping through most nights. Still I got only about 5 hours of sleep each night, and sometimes less. No big deal, I said again, as I am used to pulling such "stunts". But I was also dropping off both kids and picking them up too. A friend helped out by having S ride the bus with her kids so I didn't have to drive across town to pick her up - this friend lives very close by. I'd leave work by 4, get home by 4:30, set up my computer and phone to work from home, then go pick M and S up, come back, give M her dinner and work from home till 7. I managed it pretty well too I think, but by Friday I was pooped.

Oh, and just to test my mettle, He-who-sits-up-there-and-has-a-wacky-sense-of-humor piled a few more things on my plate. Just for fun. Thursday, I picked up a VERY tired, no exhausted, S and by night she was running a high fever. 103. Gave me the heebie-jeebies. Cold-compressed her forehead. Told my boss I'd be working from home the whole day Friday, lugged both the kids to the doctor's next morning AND actually worked from home. I had a few deadlines to meet, a few meetings to attend (which I just "attended" over the phone) and a few reports to deliver. NOT a walk in the park - working from home with a sick kid and a sick baby, you know. With anxious coworkers "hovering" over for the urgent reports they need. One positive thing - S didn't have the flu or strep throat. It was possibly just some viral infection, most likely Mononucleosis (the doctor said) and passed out of her system in 3 days. She was back to school on Monday.

Friday morning, M completed the anti-biotic course and by evening she had developed fever again. High fever. And was drooling like a broken faucet. At first I thought maybe she was drooling because she was teething and maybe the fever was due to that too. But she was also gagging if she tried to drink/eat anything and threw up an entire bottle of formula on me so I decided to take her to the pediatrician's the next morning. In the meanwhile, I Googled her symptoms and found out that in babies excessive drooling may be a sign of throat infection.

Next morning (Saturday) the pediatrician checked her and found out that the ear-infection had returned. In my concern about the second round of anti-biotic that she was being put on, I forgot to ask him about the throat infection. We gave her one dose as soon as we picked up the medicine from the pharmacy and she promptly threw it up, along with her lunch. Since she had thrown every last bit up, even the Tylenol I'd given her before giving her anything else, I gave her another dose and she managed to keep it down. She was still drooling copiously in the evening and still had high fever so I called the physician on call and talked to her. I asked her about the throat infection and she said though the pediatrician who checked her should have checked her for throat infection and didn't, I had nothing to worry about as the antibiotics that she was on works for ear-infections as well as throat infections. By next morning the drooling had disappeared and M seemed to be on the mend. We also figured out why she was throwing the medicine up every time - it was bitter! So we started mixing it with water and the poor girl could barely ingest that but she made less fuss now. We still needed to grab her arms and force-feed her the medicine, but she kept it down now. By Friday, she had developed a cough. It was dry at first, then got phlegmy. We finished the anti-biotic course on Monday. The same day I got a call from her daycare that she had high fever (101.7) and could we please come an pick her up. I immediately called her pediatrician's office to schedule an appointment as I wanted her to be seen right away. This was at 3:45 pm. They said they'd accommodate her if I could bring her in right away but they close at 5 so I had to hurry. I work at least 40 minutes away from Norwalk, and then I'd have to add the time it will take me to pick her up and bring her to the doctor's office. I could get there by 4:45 pm and even that was iffy. So I asked J to pick her up and take her to the doctor's. The pediatrician who checked her declared her free of ear-infection and said there wasn't any congestion either. We were told to watch her and bring her back if the fever didn't go away. She was supposed to go in on Wednesday for her 9 month checkup and shots (which had been delayed because of the ear-infection). J and I were up most of Monday night/Tuesday early morning tending to her - she threw up 4 times in 12 hours and had trouble falling and staying asleep. By morning she was a little better but we decided to keep her home. I had a conference with S' class teacher at 8:45 am and we woke up at 8:10! I rushed off to the school while J got the girls ready and brought them to school. He dropped off S and handed over M to me. I emailed my boss that I'd work from home again. I am lucky that my boss is a kind, accommodating fellow. M was a little cranky and had low grade fever all day but otherwise she was OK. No throwing up, though she had a reduced appetite. By Wednesday morning, she was running a fever - 102.5 degrees. I gave her Tylenol and then rushed to the pediatrician's appointment. I knew they wouldn't give her the shots because of the fever but I wanted them to take a look at her. We found another ear-infection in the same ear. Third round of anti-biotic. I was getting more concerned by the minute. I had an important meeting to go to, so J took the day off and stayed home with her. We started her on the antibiotics but I made up my mind to go to another doctor for a second opinion. Fortunately our insurance plan allows us to do that without any hassles - we just have to walk in to any doctor's office and don't need any referrals.

I took a day off on Thursday and took her to a doctor we used to consult with for S when she was little. He took a look and said "You can give her antibiotics for the ear-infection and cure it, but it will keep coming back if you don't do anything about the congestion that she has". Turns out she had upper and lower respiratory tract congestion. She was prescribed a decongestant. I called her pediatricians back (it is a group) and told the physician-on-call about the second opinion and the decongestant. We agreed to give her one daily dose of the decongestant instead of the prescribed four and continue with the antibiotics. Just one dose of the decongestant worked wonders! Within 20 minutes of taking that, M was screaming at me because she wanted to share my meal. A first in the last 2 weeks! I made a plain dosa for her and she ate most of it! Her appetite is improving though she is very drowsy because of the decongestant and has been sleeping most of the day. But whenever she is up, she is cheerful and not cranky like before. She is even crawling again and running around in the walker. Maybe she feels better now, or maybe she is high!

We have to take her in next Tuesday for a follow-up when, hopefully, she will also get her 9 month shots. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best this time. A lot of women who work with me and have sent their babies to daycare have assured me that this will pass once the flu season goes by and I am trying to keep my hopes up. Have done a little research on ear infections. They are caused when the nose is congested and the nasal congestion drips into the ear canal, fluid accumulates and becomes infected. Many times an ear infection clears up by itself, but doctors don't like to wait for it to clear up in babies under 2 because a severe ear infection can cause a temporary hearing loss which, in turn, can result in impeded speech development in small babies. There are some other reasons too, but I really am not in a mood to go into the details. I was concerned about resistance to antibiotics and the doctors (both, the pediatrician and the one I went to for second opinion) AND the pharmacist told me not to worry about it as M is not being kept on the same anitbiotics for a long period of time. I must have asked them about 23 times. I feel a little reassured.

Oh, and now I have cough, cold and a fever too! Hope April turns out better.

A word from the wise

"Ninni, you have the whole life in front of you. Choose carefully!!"

Sez who?

Little Miss S!

Eeeeek!! My daughter is wiser than I am! :P

So you don't miss me...

...here are a few pictures. Blogging will be very light as I have hundreds of things to deal with. J is going on a 5 day training next week, so I will be the only one doing all the drop offs and pick ups to and from school/daycare. I have this important project at work that I have to focus all my work-energy on (yes, being a mom, I have different kinds of energies - work energy, home energy, friend energy, wake-up-all-night-with-sick-baby energy, wake-up-all-night-with-sick-baby-and-report-for-work-next-day energy... ), I have to recertify for CCNA (the three year certificate-validity period is running out on me), start planning our garden for spring's arrival AND the kitchen garden - lots of tomatoes and other vegetables. Yum! So, blogging has taken a back seat - ONLY TEMPORARILY though. I love writing in this space.

We bought S a dinner set (playset) from IKEA. She washed the dishes and set out a place setting for me like this -

To give you an idea of the actual size -

And here is the plate against a pen.

Next....

GOOP ALERT!!! (Scroll down FAST to the bottom of the page, ye faint of heart!!)

M makes a mess of her food like this when she is sick and not in a mood for eating. Over the months I have learnt that if she is fussy about eating her goop ...er... food, it means she is sick or is going to be sick pretty soon. Nice of her to give me the heads up actually! This time it was an ear infection.

She looks so out of it, doesn't she? She was so tired on this day - hardly slept for an hour (total) in the entire day.

S, with her new haircut. This one doesn't do justice to the haricut actually - it is much better than it looks in this picture. Really.

This is how M looks when she is NOT tired, or hungry, or cranky, or sick....

I'm the naughty one in the family. Any doubts??

The IMP!!

PS: These pictures are from M's 9th month, so I am labeling them as such even though she is in the 10th month currently.