Why I am not scared of Barbie anymore

When I had my daughter, the older one, I was scared like many other mothers of little girls. Scared of the influence that Barbie was going to have on my little, innocent baby with her unrealistic proportions and the standards of beauty that she projected. My husband and I were also very worried about the influence that "American culture" would have on her if we stayed in this country. We came here with the intention of staying for 7-8 years and then returning to India. I didn't want to (for various unrelated reasons) but I was ready to make that sacrifice for the good of my kid.

American kids call 911 when their parents try to discipline them, we were told. And many other horror stories that involved drugs or sex or both. Statistics on teenage pregnancies and children born out of wedlock. We were adequately terrified of the culture we were stepping into.

Then we gradually met other people, made friends. A few among these had been in the US for a long time. Almost over 20 years. Some had grown kids. Some had teenagers. And when we saw some of these teenage kids, it was a shock to us. They were far better behaved and family oriented than the teenagers we had recently seen back in India! Slowly, after talking to these kids and their parents I realized that it was possible to impart my values to my kids even though the outside influence would be considerable. That is all I gathered. How to accomplish that? I had no idea. But over time I realized that the main key to keeping your child under your influence is communication. Good old "talking at the dinner table". And much much more talking than that. In the car on your way to school or swim practice, at bed time, during bath time, on lazy weekend mornings, and of course when your child wanted to talk to you. But this is just one part. Another is showing them through your actions what your values are. A small example. J & I don't curse. Well, almost never. Neither does S. She picked it up from us.

At first I was so against Barbies and the culture of narcissism they portrayed that I refused to buy any Barbies for S. One day, a friend excitedly told S that she had received a brand new Barbie as a gift. And S innocently asked "What is that?". The mother of her friend looked pityingly at me and said "Oh she doesn't have any?" I felt bad - for S. But I was used to such comments from parents when they'd just assume S didn't have something because we couldn't afford it.

Alert: digression ahead!

Once we went to a party where a lot of kids S' age (she was about 4.5 then) had been invited. She met a boisterous boy about a year younger to her and they got famously along. Here in the US when that happens, a mother's antennae promptly go up "BOING!!" with a "Play date alert". Which means - immediately get friendly with the parent(s) of the little kid your kid is having fun with so that you can setup play dates for them. So the boy's mother and I started talking. Casual conversation about how old is he/she, where was he/she born, does he/she go to preschool etc. During the conversation, the topic of TV viewing came up. I told her that S' TV time was severely restricted to a half hour of viewing every other day and none over the weekends. And that I didn't allow her to watch Cartoon Network or Disney channel. I was only comfortable letting her watch the public television programming for kids which I still feel is much better than these other commercial channels. (A separate post-worthy topic). She said "Oh my son's favorite TV show is 'The Wiggles' ". I knew who the Wiggles were and which channel the show was aired on (Disney) but as I said, I always felt "Dragon Tales" and "Arthur" (her favorite program at that time) were much better than "Teletubbies" or "The Wiggles" etc. Call it reverse snobbery but that is the way I felt. But I never snobbishly aired my views on this matter to other parents - to each her/his own, right? But this mom? She turns to me immediately after she declared what her son's favorite program was and goes "Do you know who the Wiggles are? Oh that's right! You don't get Disney channel!" and promptly turned her back to me and ignored me for the rest part of the party. (Or was it me who ignored her? Hmmmm...)

Needless to say, no play dates with that kid materialized. And I am still fuming, a good five years later, because I didn't get a chance to set the record straight with that mother (that we do get Disney channel, but I don't let my daughter watch it). Thank God for blogs! Therapy would have been costlier.

Digression over.

Anyway, so as I said, many parents just assume(d) that if S isn't allowed to do something it is probably because we can't afford it. I have learnt to tolerate this irrational deduction on their part. But at that time, when the mother wondered if S didn't have any Barbies because we probably couldn't afford to buy her one, it hurt like hell. I came home and discussed it with J. By that time I had cooled down. We decided we didn't want to buy her Barbies just because we were afraid of what people thought of us. So, life went on without Barbies. But not for long.

The "Barbie Home Invasion" began sometime when she was 4. I don't remember who gifted her the first Barbie - it was either J's friend who came visiting and brought a Mermaid Barbie with him or J's parents, brother and SIL who sent a sari-clad Barbie for her. Now I am not the kind who would return a lovingly bought gift if I don't want it. So we kept the dolls and even let S play with them occasionally. I think that was a good decision - S really had fun playing with them and wasn't as hung up on them as she would have been had she been deprived of them (I think). Slowly S started accumulating more Barbies. Gifts for her birthdays, return gifts at birthday parties and one or two purchased by her parents (**GASP**) for her. I felt as if everyone we invited for her birthday party went "Hmmmm. What would a little girl like? I know! BARBIE!!!!!" I wondered if it ever occurred to them that the little girl might also like a board game or two. Or a jump rope, or an Art set. Or books! Why not books? But Barbies it was - for two straight years! She now has about 20 Barbies. All safely tucked away in a carton that we packed them in when we moved to this house two years ago. She hasn't asked for them yet. We WILL bring them out when M is ready to play with them. By the way, when S was about 6 or 7, she officially declared to me "Mommy, I think I am over princesses. I don't like them anymore". Whew!!

It wasn't only Barbies that worried me sick. It was this whole culture of perfect bodies, perfect clothes, "daring" clothes, daring choices that scared me sh**less. Hearing stories about kids demanding expensive clothes, newest gadgets, latest toys and extreme privileges built up a trepidation in my heart about the coming years. "Peer pressure" became a four-letter word. I stressed out about S growing up to be like those other girls who were just preoccupied with themselves and their looks. Living for that next dress, or makeover party. Becoming a self centered kid, then teenager and then adult. What if she realized one day that we really can't make her do everything we want? All this terrified me.

Talking to other parents (of older kids), seeing them in action and seeing their kids kind of clarified things for me. I saw kids I was terrified S would turn into. And I saw kids I aspired for S to become. And I saw their parents. Compared them. I looked at my own childhood and tried to compare things. Tried to remember how my parents handled different things. It wasn't as if I sat down one day and created a spreadsheet. It was a continuous thing - always going on in my head. 24/7.

Slowly I realized there was no fixed answer. All the parents were the same - trying to do their best for their kids. Some just lacked the basic parenting skills. Among them, some were ineffective disciplinarians, some were so conflicted among themselves that their kids caught on to that and played them against each other, some were indulgent (more than they should have been) and some were so strict that their kids suffocated and were bound to rebel to break free one day. Well, how could I make sure I wasn't doing any of this? I couldn't. So there came a time when I chucked all the analyses and decided to -

1) Treat my kids as individuals (I have seen many parents make the mistake of not doing so and that gives rise to discontentment and future problems in the kids) and respect their feelings however trivial or silly they seemed to me

2) Be their parent and NOT their friend. Yes, I had to be friendLY so they wouldn't feel I was out to get them. But my job was to set limits and enforce them. To assign responsibilities and expect them to be carried out. To BE responsible and teach by example.

3) Go with the flow. I'd take each parenting challenge as it came and figure out how to deal with it.

I am still figuring things out. But I have found that talking helps (as I mentioned earlier). And saying sorry when I have hurt S' feelings definitely helps. And not yelling helps. Not being judgmental helps. I have noticed she comes and fesses up with me because I give her a fair chance. I never promise I'll not get upset if she tells me what she has done (yes, she has tried getting me to promise!) I just tell her that I will hear her out and then decide how to react. I do promise her that won't yell. Many times it has turned out that I actually didn't need to get upset. At times she had done something that did upset me and she faced the consequences for that (being grounded, having to write sorry notes, having privileges taken away etc.) But even at those times I told her how proud I was of her that even though she knew it would make me upset, she came to me and told me everything. After the first time it happened, I wondered if she would ever come to me again. To my surprise she did. Still does. I guess she is confident that I will hear her out completely before I make up my mind. And I think the thing that scares her the most is if I yell. As I have ruled that out of the consequences, she finds it easier to come to me and confess. I just keep my fingers crossed and hope she will continue to do so as she grows up.

Another thing I have learnt is to choose carefully what I am going to stress about. I have decided I will definitely keep on my toes where issues like drugs, safety, sex and education are concerned. I don't get worked up if she wants to apply lip gloss. I don't like it, but I still allow her. She still isn't allowed to wear it to school but she is allowed to "dress up" if we are going to some one's house. She isn't allowed to carry it with her so once it is gone, she doesn't reapply it (which means she is out there having fun and is not just concerned with how she looks all the time). She asked for bikini style panties once and I absolutely didn't want to let her buy those. She would have followed my "orders" but I let her buy them. She wore them for a few days and declared she didn't really like them because they weren't comfortable. That is what I want to develop in her. She should try things out and then use her head to decide if she wants/ likes it or not instead of following the herd. Well, the "try things out" strategy is definitely NOT for drugs and sex. It is fine for clothes and makeup and fashion trends.

I still worry about peer pressure and I know my only defense against that is to keep MY communication channels open with her. I know I can't be with her all the times. I have stiff competition ahead with her peers, specially as she goes into middle school. I am trying my best to give her the right foundation of values so when the time comes, she is prepared to handle the pressure. And I will keep letting her know that I am right here if she wants to talk, or if something goes wrong or if she just needs a sounding board.

That said, I also believe in teaching kids the age-appropriateness of various things. Like wearing thongs might be OK for me, but it isn't for her. Wearing makeup to work is fine for me, but she can't wear makeup to school. Along with age-appropriateness, I have also tried to teach her that different families have different rules and just because one of her friends is allowed to do something or has been able to buy something doesn't mean she will too. Her request will be evaluated based on our family's rules. (God! I sound so managerial :D)

I also believe in relaxing rules little by little as kids grow older. One example is of eating candies. S was not given any candy till she was 2.5 years old. When she started going to preschool, she discovered candy. Instead of taking it away from her and forbidding her from ever eating it again, I told her that she could eat one if she got permission from me or J first. She was allowed one candy on one day of the weekend. As she grew older, and her (good) eating habits became firmly established, I relaxed that rule little by little. Now she could eat a candy on alternate days IF she followed up by eating something healthy. And so on. These days she knows she can eat candy anytime but she also knows that she can't eat candy for lunch or dinner, and that she still has to follow up with a healthy snack. I never had to lock candies or put them high on a shelf even when S was little. I did put them away when she had friends came over because they didn't have the same level of discipline as S did. Even now, if you walk in our home, you will find candy filled containers on our kitchen counters. I hope I don't ever have to lock the candy away even for M. Because I believe not in restrictng them, but in teaching them to recognize the limits. Candy is just one example. I want this to be the case for every temptation in life they will come across.

There is a lot more to parenting and I am still figuring it out. Over the years I have learnt that kids usually imbibe values from their parents - even if they don't like to admit it. And that is my beacon of hope.

Now I have realized that my child will play with Barbie but she will pick up the subtle messages about a supposedly perfect body that Barbie is sending out only if I train her to listen to those. I didn't. So she doesn't. I have realized that it IS possible to let my daughter play with Barbies but keep her interested in outdoor games, math, science and scrabble. Barbie is just another toy for her - nothing more. So I have made my peace with Barbie, and Ken and other assorted Disney princesses and their respective princes. They can stay in my house and play with my kids, but its still MY house and MY rules!