So I have had hundreds of ideas for a post but when I sit down to write, they all evaporate. I have been too busy to write them down somewhere to help my memory but I think it is more than just a memory issue. When I do get online, and I still remember what I wanted to write about, I still don't feel like doing it. There are a few reasons for that. I have realized that many of my earlier posts had kinda "holier than thou" elements to them. "I am awesome because I do things this way and you should too, then you will be awesome too". I have lost patience for those kind of posts - mine or from someone else. I don't feel like writing about my kids because, again, if I write about how awesome they are (they are, they are!) am I not just bragging about my parenting skills? My friends still love me - well the ones who keep in touch do. The ones who fell out of touch because they were counting how much I don't call them, never cared anyway. So what DO I write about? There are certain things that I feel about deeply, but then I have not mastered the art of baring my soul yet. It makes me feel too vulnerable. I feel like I have lost my words.
Well, one thing I CAN write about is - how much I have to be thankful for. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and, like we have been doing for the last 9 years, we have 4 friends and their families coming over for dinner. These friends love us enough to set aside an entire evening for us on a long weekend. Earlier this year J and I both lost our jobs within 2 months of each other. It was a stressful time. Before my notice period ended, an opening in the same company for the same position, but in a different business unit, came up. My soon-to-be-ex boss gave me high recommendation and I got the job. My commute increased from 24 miles a day to a whopping 160 miles a day! It helped that I loved my job and enjoyed it. Things have been hectic but I have gotten a satisfaction out of my job that not everyone does. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for friends who supported us during that tough time.
J & I have been married for 19 years this December (the 3rd, in case someone wants to wish us a happy anniversary :D). We have been through an inter-continental move, infertility, a failed pregnancy, 2 child-births, 2 depressions, 3 job losses, one recession, death of my father, and numerous other challenges. I have come to realize what kind of a support J is. He is my rock. He didn't leave me when even I would have left me if I had been in his place. I am thankful for him.
Our daughters are growing up into beautiful, confident, smart women. S will be off to college in a couple of years. Everyday she amazes me with her clarity of thought and maturity. I recently had the "sex and drugs" talk with her. Her response? "I have too much to lose if I can't get in college, so these things are not on my agenda" (I am paraphrasing but this is essentially what she said) She plays volleyball with a dedication that wants me to borrow from my retirement account to let her play on a travel team she got chosen to but cannot accept because we don't have the money. Last night, when I told her that we won't be able to do the travel team because of the expenses, she cried. She was heartbroken, and I was too. But absent were tantrums and accusations. Actually the absence of tantrums and accusations was what made it more heartbreaking. I am thankful for my precious daughter who is so mature and understanding but still has a resilient streak in her that makes me so proud of her. Keep your stubbornness honey. You'll need it. The world can be mean sometimes.
I am thankful for the ray of sunshine in our lives that we call M. It has been a blink of an eye and she is already 7. She loves to do what her didi likes to do. Plays violin and does Kumon with a dedication because, yes, didi does it too! She is an "excellent student but a bit chatty" in her teacher's words. Very helpful and kind. Last year, during a thunderstorm, she helped a scared friend by holding her through the storm and telling her not to be afraid. She is the only one in the family who keeps her room clean consistently :) She knows her mind and oh how she knows it! I love that in her. There is nothing you can make her do if she doesn't want to do it. Stay this way baby! And thank you for coming into our lives and enriching them beyond our imagination.
My mom! I am thankful for the fact that my mom spends her money and time to stay the summer with us every year. She is always a great help when she is here - I don't have to worry about meals and the house. I don't have to bear the guilt that my kids can't stay at home even during their summer break because I have to go to work. This year her help was extra appreciated with my long commute and increased traveling for work. I wouldn't have survived the summer without her and my aunt, who came to visit us with her. They both gave us all a memorable summer. I am thankful for both of them.
There are times when I get depressed thinking about things that are still not right for us. But then I remind myself about what I do have. I have so much to be thankful for! Here is my wish for you for the Holidays -
May the positives always outweigh the negatives in your life! Happy Holidays!
