But you said...

“But you said…”

“Yes, I know. But things have changed”

“But you promised!”

“I know darling! But, you know, things are different now”

“All I know is that you PROMISED!”

“Listen, I… See. I can’t, anymore…”

“I thought you’d keep your word”

“I always do. It’s just…”

“No you don’t! You aren’t keeping it NOW!”

“You HAVE to understand. Please understand”

“I understand. But still, you promised. Wasn’t it you who taught me to 

Say what I mean and mean what I say?”

“Yes, and now I want you to

Do as I say and not as I do!”

Kids and Social Networking (Cross posted at Stage of Life website)

Note: This has been cross-posted at Stage of Life.

My "protective mother" instinct rears its head as soon as I hear about a preteen being on Facebook. I can't stop myself from expressing my opinions on the topic, knowing fully well that I am NOT the keeper of other people's kids. Their house, their rules. But it grates on me to see how some parents are either unaware of the potential harm of letting their child go unsupervised on the Internet or are too confident that their child is somehow capable of skirting all danger and is, unlike other kids his/her age, is super responsible.

My main concern is two-fold. One, the kids are clearly underage according to FaceBook's written policy on minimum age for members (13 years). This means they will have to lie about their age to open a Facebook account. Which, in turn, means the parents are either encouraging the lying or ignoring it. Both options don't seem too good to me. Where will they stop then? How will they explain to their kids that some lying is okay but otherwise one should never lie?

Two, one can control what they put on their Facebook wall, but they cannot control what others will put on theirs. This increases the risk of a child coming across age-inappropriate material. I once followed a link to a page on violence against women. Some images there shook me and left me unsettled for days. I am 40. How can I expect my 12 year old daughter or 9 year old niece to not be affected by such images?

Granted I cannot protect my kids from every single harm out there but I can at least try! Maybe I am being too conservative but I feel given the form Facebook is taking (one can create pages and groups for anything), there is a high chance that a child will be exposed to inappropriate material.

In addition to all this, how can we guarantee that all the people our kids "friend" on Facebook are actually kids their age or responsible adults? How do we guarantee that one of them is not a pedophile masquerading as a 14 year old cool boy? We have heard enough stories about kids who made online friends and then fell into harm's way when a "friend" lured them someplace and turned out not to be who the kids expected them to be.

I am a big proponent of not suffocating kids with our caution and rules. I strongly believe that parental control must be relaxed gradually as our children grow older. I believe doing so teaches our kids to be responsible and alert for their own safety. But I am also a staunch believer of age-appropriateness of things and I don't think FaceBook, or any other social networking site, that lets adults and kids mingle anonymously (if they so choose) is a good idea for very young kids. Most times, these kids spend unsupervised time on FaceBook/internet.

What do you think? Am I being over-protective or too conservative? What age did you allow your kids to open a Facebook account? Or what age will you allow it at? What age did your kids get their first email IDs. What measures did you take to let them have some freedom but to keep an eye on things at the same time?

Most importantly, how much privacy do you think young kids are entitled to? Facebook and other social networking sites aren't the only danger our kids face online. It is, in fact, a matter of their "online habits" (if you will, for lack of a better term) in general that we need to be more aware of. What safe internet-browsing practices do you have your kids follow? How much control do you exercise on their online activity and how and when will you relax that control?

New post on Women's Web

Note: All is well with the link. It was my office computer's browser that was acting up. *sheepish grin*

I grew up hearing the phrase "aajkal ke bachchey..." (kids these days...). Our parents said it whenever we did something that they were not allowed to do when they were our age. They couldn't talk back to their elders - they got whacked if they did. They didn't talk so much. They listened to their parents. And so on...

I hear the same refrain now, about the new generation - our kids. The "new generation" is fast, they are arrogant, more mature/obnoxious etc. Each generation of parents thinks their kids' generation is getting off easier in discipline matters than they ever did. And I cringe at the phrase "kids today..." I mean - really? Is it only the kids of today's generation? How did they learn all the things, behaviors and attitudes that we moan about, if not from us directly or indirectly? We either teach them these behaviors orpermit them to behave this way. I once wrote "Kids might not always behave the way their parents want them to, but they will ALWAYS behave the way they are allowed to." I still maintain that this is absolutely true.

Read the complete post here

I am not that mother!

Just posted an article on Women's Web. Do check it out. Excerpt below.

I have been watching the furore that Amy Chua's article created in the last month or so. And been trying to decide where I stand on the issue. I see Amy's point in pushing the children for their own good but her own admission of how (much) she pushed her kids left me bewildered. But immediately after reading her article, I read a couple more articles on the topic and one of them mentioned that this article of Amy's is just an excerpt from her book, "The battle hymn of a tiger mother" and that WSJ presented it in the entirely wrong light. I understand it was a tactic on WSJ's behalf, to publicize the book.

What amazed me is our reaction to this article. Many people criticized Amy (understandable), wrote posts about their own parenting style (again, understandable), compared her parenting to their own, establishing the superiority of their own methods (I have to accept - I had the urge too). I am amazed at the insecurity this article has brought out in all of us. Am I as bad a parent as Amy Chua? Are my kids as suppressed as hers? I could almost hear everyone asking themselves these questions. I could remember at least one "Amy-ish" incident which still makes me cringe whenever I think about what kind of a parent I used to be.


 Read more here.

Somebody please save the Indian Male Child

... from becoming a weak, inefficient, non-productive member of the family. From becoming the man who cannot serve himself his food, or wash his clothes or even cook for himself. For his mother definitely won't!

Us Indian mothers have a propensity to mollycoddle our children. So much so that we sometimes feed our 30 year old sons by hand. I have seen plenty of example of sons being pampered by their mothers and aunts. I have firsthand experience too. Once I had a fight with one of my aunts because she suggested that the girls of the family get up earlier (than usual) and do their chores. No such thing was mentioned about the boys so when I asked her what the boys were supposed to do, my aunt said "Why would they do anything?" (my mom and her sisters had gathered at their brother's house during summer break. Us cousins had a great time - we were 5 or 6 girls and 2 boys). Boy! There was a BIG blowout between me and my aunt :P

Recently, we were at a dinner with friends where the kids ranged, in age, from 3 years (M - the youngest) to 11.5 years (S - the oldest). I served food for M and told S to serve herself. Another friend turned to her 10 year old son and said "Let me feed your brother and then I will serve food for you". I was flabbergasted! A 10 year old cannot serve himself some food when it is all laid out on the table?? The same boy once, while standing right next to the refrigerator, told her mom to keep his drink in the fridge, left the drink on the counter-top and walked away. The mom didn't even bat an eyelid! It didn't even occur to her to say "You are standing right next to the fridge - why don't you just open the door and pop it in?" He would have, if she had just said that. He is, otherwise, a quite helpful lad. He notices if someone needs help carrying stuff and offers to help all the time.

The thing is (I think) his mother doesn't think he should be helping out in the kitchen or it probably doesn't occur to her that he can serve himself food or make himself useful in the kitchen. After all, didn't we all grow up witnessing our brothers being handed their food, milk and water in their hands, not being asked to help around the kitchen AT ALL and not being expected to do anything around the house? It was the girls who were expected to help around the house. Boys just had to loll around and help only when big boxes needed to be carried. Fortunately, I was spared that kind of upbringing. In our family both my brother and I helped out as and when needed. So he could be found serving tea to the guests while I would be lugging their suitcases in.

Another friend feeds her 10 year old by hand if he fusses over the food. My mind boggles. And why is it that I see these moms doing these things only for their sons? The second friend I mentioned also has a 12 year old daughter. The daughter has been taught to serve herself and eat on her own. My sister in-law worries that she might never be able to take a full time job because then who will take care of her kids? Kids who are 9 and 15 years old! They should be able to serve and heat their own food. Or pour themselves milk. Or peel a banana. They shouldn't need a grandmother or a babysitter to hand them a glass of milk. My older daughter was pouring milk and making toasts for herself at 5. I would have taught the same things to a son. M, at 3.5 years of age, helps her sister set up the table, cleans up her toys, wipes up any spilled milk or water (which is a daily occurrence these days) and helps unload the dishwasher if allowed to do so. She would have been doing all this even if she were a "he".

One could say that it isn't really necessary to teach boys/kids to do chores around the house in India, since there are maids to do everything and it isn't really fair to have them do what we don't. It does seem to be a sound argument until we realize that one day these kids will start out on their own and then they might not have maids to do the work for them. At that time they will be better prepared with the training.

Why do these moms cripple their kids so? Don't they realize that they are doing their kids a BIG disservice by not allowing them to become independent individuals? I do feel a little reassured when I hear about a cousin's 7 year old son who rinses the dishes in the sink and loads the dishwasher. Or when I see the said cousin, my husband J, my own brother and a few other men in our friend circle pitching in equally to take care of the children or their houses and kitchens. I saw my father cook, clean, wash and do everything else that my mother did or could do. These men learned. Many do so once they are out of their parents' homes and not the recipients of their mothers' mollycoddling. Mostly, it becomes a matter of "do or die" so they "do". So will the boys of the younger generation. Their mothers can give them a headstart by teaching them now.

Weight-y matters

Note: I have cross-posted this at Stage Of Life, where I have recently started contributing as a featured writer.


I think there are very few people who are satisfied with their weight. Some want to lose weight while a few others need to gain some. I have seen a lot of articles on the importance of not talking about your weight in front of your kids. The latest was this one. With all due respect to the First Lady, and other parents who think along similar lines, I beg to differ. I'll explain why. 


My first instinct was to write how not talking to kids about weight is wrong. That we shouldn't just sweep all matters regarding weight under the carpet. Instead we should talk about weight, the healthy range of it and healthy habits to maintain it in the healthy range. Then I realized that I was looking at this issue from the other extreme end, similar to these parents. One extreme is not to talk to the kids about weight at all. The other is to overload them with talks about weight and its management.  I then attempted to understand where both opinions originate from.


I have seen and heard about parents who constantly monitor what their kids are eating and how much. One acquaintance often reminds her son, who is just 6 or 7 years old and is at a healthy weight, not to eat too much. Keeps pointing to kids who don't eat too much and telling him to "learn something from them". This kind of behavior is a sure way to eating disorders, or at least to shoddy eating habits once the kid is old enough to move away from the parent's control zone.


On the other end, I know parents who don't try, at all, to cultivate healthy eating habits in their kids. Some might make token efforts to stop their kids from eating unlimited junk food but there is no real, sincere effort to educate the kids about the impact of being overweight on their health or the importance of eating a healthy, balanced diet.


It is okay not to talk to your kids about losing weight if you are at a healthy weight or just slightly over weight. When people can see that you are, at the most, only a few pounds overweight, or in the normal weight range for your height, any whining/ cribbing/ conversation about you wanting to lose weight can only come across as vanity. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but it IS the truth. When I was at a healthy weight, or even slightly overweight and wanted to lose a few pounds, I did not whine or crib about it. I kept at my exercise and sensible eating habits and flaunted any lost weight or inches with new, pretty clothes. But I did not sigh about the 5 pounds I needed to lose or the flabby arms that I needed to tone. I did not obsessively watch every calorie I ate and did not switch over to "I cannot believe it's not butter" from real butter. When my older daughter's pediatrician told us that she ran a higher risk of being an obese adolescent because her weight, at the age of two, was above the 97th percentile on the growth charts, I did not immediately cut off all fats and sugars from her diet. Instead, I started offering her a few healthier options in addition to the junk that all kids are fond of eating - a cookie followed by a tomato, a cucumber along with a small serving of potato chips. I also cut back on her TV time slowly. I did not want her to lose any weight. I just wanted her to develop healthier eating habits and a taste for the healthy foods which, I was sure, would go a long way in helping her stay in a healthy weight range and develop healthy habits for life. I was proven right. She still loves all the junk food in the world, and eats it. But she knows the importance of balancing a junk snack with healthy meals and other healthy snacks through the day. I have dinned into her that moderation is the key. And she understands the importance of physical activity in maintaining a balanced life-style. 


Until three years ago, I never talked to her about my desire to lose weight. I focused and placed emphasis on healthy eating and exercise. Then I underwent four IUI's and two IVF's. The hormones I injected into myself during the IVF cycles made me gain 25 pounds in 2 months. Then pregnancy piled on another 25. This, when I was already slightly overweight. As a result, I am now firmly plonked in the "obese" category, despite having lost almost all the pregnancy weight. The IVF pounds, as I like to call them, love me very much. They don't want to leave me. They cling to me and make me a soft, cuddly, lovable (I wish!) person. 


In late 2008 I was diagnosed with hypertension and have been on blood pressure medication since then. I had Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy and am afraid that if I don't lose the weight, I will be saddled with Type 2 diabetes in just a matter of a few years. I carry a higher risk of stroke, heart disease, cancer and diabetes, among other things, because of my family history and weight. That is why I am trying to lose weight. I watch what I eat (maybe not enough). And I skip family dinners to go to the gym. When my daughter asks me why I don't eat dinner with the rest of the family any more, I tell her "because reaching a healthy weight is a higher priority for me and our family at this moment" and also tell her why this extra weight is not good for me. I list the risks I run by staying at this weight.


What I don't do is that I don't moan about my dress sizes or how I feel I look fat and ugly in anything I wear (yes, I have those days!) I don't starve myself to a thin body. And I definitely do not deprive myself of the foods I love to eat. (I am constantly struggling with portion sizes and getting better at it) Instead, I show her (by example) that I choose to eat a plate of salad before I go for that small piece of cake. And drag my ass to the gym even on days when I would rather lie down and die in the driveway.


I don't think sweeping our weight/health issues under the carpet does our kids any good. Even if we ARE at a healthy weight, how will not talking AT ALL about weight help our kids understand how to stay healthy? How will they know how to manage their weight and health and to avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy habits once they are on their own and not under our watch? Instead, I say, we should focus on talking about weight and health in a way that teaches them how to maintain their health by following an exercise program and a healthy diet. We should teach them the importance of staying healthy.


We all know that talking to our kids about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and contraception (in an age appropriate manner) will help them keep safe when they do become sexually active. Then why do we avoid talking to them about something that is much easier and less embarrassing to talk about and equally important? I do understand why some people believe we should not talk to our kids about weight at all. It is because if we stress on the wrong points, like dress sizes, then that is all they will associate it with.  If we don't talk about the health aspect of maintaining a healthy weight, then all they will equate it with is losing weight to look great . And if we don't tell them that the best way to lose/maintain a healthy weight is by a balanced diet and exercise, they will fall in the traps of senseless diets or eating disorders. But not talking about it is NOT the solution. The solution is to talk to them about why it is important to stay healthy and, sometimes, that might include talking about making efforts to reach a healthier weight.

Decisions, decisions!

Every disciplinary action of ours depends on the question "whose therapy will cost us more? J's and mine or the kids'?"

As of now, kids' therapy seems affordable. Plus, if we manage to give them a good education, they can find a good job and pay for it themselves. Man!! I am SO smashingly brilliant sometimes!! :D

Oh, the irony, the irony!!

Ro tagged me to write about the little ironies of motherhood. I'll comply. Only, I'd like to register a teeny-tiny objection about the term "ironies" at the very beginning of this post. Ironies? I don't think so. I think these are conspiracies against mothers. The seemingly innocent babies are conspiring against the poor mommies so that they don't get a single shut-eye, can't read a single sentence of ANY book and can't even go to the loo in peace. Don't agree with me? Read on!

1. The kids are busy watching the idiot box, or you are getting ready to go somewhere and the kids are ALL READY, waiting for you outside the house. You slip into the bathroom for that one quick "business" trip and the moment you sit down on the throne the door-banging sessions begin!

2. You tell you friends proudly about how junior has started going poo-poo in the pot and the next day you have a major clean-up operation on your hands. Or you tell you friend she is a good eater and she starts picking out the peas, the tomatoes, the meat the bread... Same goes for the boasts of "Oh she sleeps through" the night" or "She stays up ALL night". The little darlings make sure you are proven a liar in everyone's eyes. Again, and again, and AGAIN!

3. You spend the first 18 years swearing you will kick them out the door as soon as they hit 18 and then the rest of them hoping they'd come back, even if for a week.

4. You are not a homebody. You CANNOT be a stay-at-home mom - it'll kill you! The first day back to work, away from the baby, kills you.

5. You can't wait till you can finish your sentences before being interrupted by yet another "mommy...". When the time comes, your ears strain to hear if they have been calling your name, leaving sentences hanging half-finished in the air.

6. You yell at them, telling them to stop screaming.

7. You mourn the demise of romantic dinners out and then spend an entire dinner date talking about what junior must be doing right now, with the baby sitter.

8. You, who couldn't function without an 8-hour sleep, now buzz around on 4.5 hours' worth. And keep your composure. And are still sweet. You even smile occasionally!

9. You never imagined life with kids. Kept your focus on the straight and narrow path of "life ambitions" and "goals". Now you can't imagine life without them. You don't remember what you filled your days with, before they came along.

10. The more you love them, the more love you have for them.

Ain't life strange??

Pleading "Not Guilty"

Note: I had been planning this post for a long time but now seemed like a good time to post it because I came across the The Women's Web 'Mommy Guilt' Contest. Mommy Guilt is omnipresent, but it doesn't have to consume us!

I often joke that the only trips I take are the Guilt Trips that the states of being a mother, daughter, wife and friend induce. I am way too familiar with the feeling of guilt. The pensiveness, the tension. The nagging feeling that you are responsible for someone else's unhappiness or misfortune. Oddly tough, the guilt I suffer the least is Mommy Guilt. I guess I have been through too much to have already realized that NOTHING is under your control as a parent. 

I had no problem conceiving my first child. It seemed like we decided to have kids, started trying and Boom! I was pregnant. Well, not right away. It took us two tries because the first month we were so tired we fell asleep during the baby making process. (Yeah mom!! That's what happened and it IS funny so don't run away now. Read the entire post :P You too, bro! :D) Then, 3 years later, we decided to bring another child into this world and started trying. And kept trying. And trying. And trying. For four years. And then a bulb went "Ping!" in our brains! WE NEEDED HELP!! So then began the trips to Infertility specialists and clinics and various labs. And the Guilt Monster raised its ugly head - maybe I hadn't been taking good care of myself, maybe I was too fat, maybe I had waited too long and my biological clock was all ticked out. The nice specialists we met slowly, but surely debunked all my maybe's. Women heavier than me got pregnant all the time and the test results showed nothing was wrong with me or J. At 35, my biological clock was fine too. Ours was "Idiopathic Infertility". I define it as "A condition where idiots, who have already conceived once, fail to conceive". I have found that humor is great for dissipating guilt :D 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs later, M came along. Now I look at M and tell myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty any more!"

Working-Mommy-Guilt has been the easiest to deal with. I grew up watching my mom juggle a job with family and housework and saw how she did it all. She actually made it look easy and fun AND fulfilling. So I always knew where I stood in this regard. In the "want to work outside of home" camp. Thankfully, with flexi-time and the good (albeit expensive) childcare options available to us here, it has been manageable AND fulfilling so far. What could be wrong in providing my kids with a secure financial future AND providing them with a happy and content mom? I see no reason to feel guilty there.

I have already written about how I realized that, as a parent, I can't really control everything my child does (or goes through). AT the age of 5, S developed Alopecia Areata. For days, even months and probably years, I tried to find reasons to blame myself. Maybe I didn't give her proper nutrition. Maybe I stressed her out with my discipline or over-scheduled her. Or, maybe, I gave her defective genes. Maybe my house was not clean enough or I was too anal about the cleanliness. ANYTHING that would give me a reason why my daughter was suffering from such an emotionally traumatic condition. Unfortunately, all the doctors we met slowly and methodically destructed all my reasons. Alopecia does not have a known cause, they told me. Then they proceeded to prove it with the umpteen tests they ordered - each test came back normal. Nothing was wrong with my child - except that she had lost 99% of her hair. 

Those were tough days. J and I would sweep up bags full of S' hair from the carpet,  and the vacuum would still clog up and whine in rage with the hair still left behind on the carpet. We painstakingly gathered all the hair that WAS left on S' scalp and tried to cover her head with it so the bald patches wouldn't show. We tried not to discuss how torn we were, in front of S. To her we presented an optimistic facade - that everything will be alright. That she will get all her hair back one day soon and this would be a nightmare left behind, never to be remembered again. She did get her hair back, but the nightmare hasn't been forgotten. She still gets bald patches here and there on her scalp but it isn't as bad either - we no longer fill bags after bags with her hair. 

It used to break my heart to see her try to cover a bald spot or to have her request me to fill out her missing eyebrow with an eyeliner. It is becoming easier to see her figure out ways to hide those bald spots and still look stunning. No that is not my mommy-pride speaking. Her self-confidence makes her shine. I know she still struggles internally with the condition. Still curses it. Hates the way her newly grown hair sticks out from between the rest of the hair. It is a constant battle between her hair and the gel she applies to keep the stray strands down. But I also see a strong woman emerging from within her. A girl who has gone through, and is still struggling with, Alopecia Areata. A girl who, just last year, had an allergic reaction so bad it would have had a grown man howling and is still struggling with the newly developed allergies that she didn't have before now, is now turning into a confident, still kind and loving (despite all the struggle) woman who makes her parents proud each and every moment of their lives. A girl whose teachers write emails to her parents singing praises of how she is the most loving and polite student they have ever met. A girl whose teachers/ school administrators stop me in the school office to joke how they wishe she would get at least one B grade because it just isn't possible for anyone to get all A's. (And I can't tell you how proud that makes me because she got those A's WHILE she was struggling with her severe allergic reactions and outbreaks). She has been the answer to my mommy-guilt. I see her and I see how she has turned out despite all the hardships she has faced, and I say to myself "There is NO WAY I am feeling guilty for THAT!"




Edited to add: This post was considered a "notable entry" in the contest here.

A new discovery!

BOYS!!! From what S tells me, the whole sixth grade gang of girls has discovered them. Only as preteen girls of 11 and 12 can :) Some are "going steady" some have "boyfriends" and some, like S, just like a boy from afar. In her own words - "I only LIKE him. It's not like I LOVE him or anything. Or that I cannot live without him". Well, I am glad to see you still have your head on your shoulders honey :P What makes things more interesting is that T, the boy S likes, is "going out" with D who is one of S' good friends. But S claims that it doesn't bother her because she only likes T and doesn't expect him to like her back. Sigh! I never expected that kind of level-headed thinking from any of MY girls!!

This all came out last night when I mentioned in the passing that I had heard a girl we know, "A" (who is in sixth grade as well), had a boyfriend. I was immediately provided with the intricate details of who is going out with whom, who likes whom and who broke up with whom. After that session I could feel my head swimming. There is no way I can keep up with these preteens' busy social lives!

That also brought a question from S. "What would your reaction be if I told you that I have a boyfriend?" I can't say that I wasn't expecting it. Or I should say I was prepared with an answer - only, I was not expecting it this early. I told S I'd be fine with it as long as she doesn't hide it from me and her dad. I also wanted to tell her that if she feels ashamed or nervous about introducing a boy to us, he probably is not boyfriend material but I thought I'd leave that for later discussions. 

I know some of our friends will probably be shocked at the "westernized" way we are bringing our daughter up. Good Indian girls don't have boyfriends. They don't even know about the birds and the bees until they get married :) Okay, so they are not THAT innocent but going by the reaction of a few parents in our group, to mentions of boyfriends and kissing etc. it is clear that, according to them, Indian girls should maintain their "Indian-ness". They should not blindly follow the western culture. Never mind that they are living in the freaking middle of the said culture. And truthfully, I have come across plenty of American moms who are pretty worried about keeping their girls away from boys. One such mom mentioned to me that she doesn't remind her daughter about a friend (who is a boy, of course) whom she grew up with because, FRANKLY, she doesn't want her thinking about boys yet.

Edited to add: On second thought, maybe some of these friends don't exactly think that an Indian girl should not have a boyfriend. Maybe they, like me, think it is too early at 11/12 to think of boyfriends. But I say you cannot stop them from thinking. You can only control your reaction to it and with it, hopefully, still make your kids secure enough to come and confide in you.

Well, I have news for you mom!! If your daughter is a sixth grader, she IS thinking about boys. She was probably thinking about them in fifth grade too. (I had my first crush at the ripe old age of 10!!) Maybe she still has that innocence and isn't thinking of having a boyfriend yet, but the other girls around her ARE thinking and talking about boys so, believe me, your daughter is too. In that case wouldn't it be better to keep the communication channels open and LET your daughter talk (and think out loud) about boys a little? Just so you can provide a little guidance to her at an age when she needs it the most. Now, I think this American mom is pretty cool and is probably already doing all this. (S thinks she is AWESOME!!!!!! - all the exclamation marks and the bold print intended :P) Maybe she just mentioned it to me as the way of expressing an opinion about such young girls dating. But I do see this attitude in many other parents - specially within our Indian circle. NO boys! NO sex! NO drugs! NO alcohol! Well, I do agree that our kids are better off without the latter three. But I am not naive enough to believe that just because I say no, my child will comply. So I make sure that I say no, I explain why and then I also tell her that she can still come to me if she does slip and make a mistake. I tell her it is okay to talk about ANYTHING with me. I show her that she can talk to me about anything by not having a strong negative reaction to something she tells me, no matter how much it shocks me. By making her feel secure that no matter what she says to me, I will not judge her.

One couple is determined to return to India by the time their older child turns 6 or 7 just because "the Western influence spoils the kids here and then they are no longer under your control". I could argue against this point on so many levels! First - Western influence spoils the kids??! For the record, I have seen enough American kids who have their heads screwed on right, and have the right priorities. I have also seen Indian kids born and brought up in America who make the right choices and have some sense. I know that kids in India are not entirely free of the "Western influence". There are as much drugs and sex problems among teens in India as there are here. Second - WHY would you want your kids under your (absolute) control?? [The friend in question mentioned that in India neighbors and relatives can help you keep an eye on the kids and report everything they do, to you. That IS absolute control in my opinion] Your job as a parent should be to teach them the right values, point them in the right direction and let them find their own path. And be there to support them when they stumble or fall. Your job, as a parent, is NOT to MAKE their path for them. Or to be the sentry on that path, keeping a strict eye and preventing them from making any mistakes. In my opinion, mistakes help us grow as a person, but that is neither here nor there and certainly not the point of this post. Third - do they expect their kids to escape all these influences in India??! And do they think they cannot influence their own kids during their formative years here, in America?? Kids look up to us a lot more than they let on, really.

So, to come back to the post, S and I talked about a lot of things.  At one point she told me about a girl in her class who has already been "through FIVE boyfriends!!" I took that opportunity to explain to S that given their age and inexperience in life in general, it IS a good idea not to bind yourself to or to go steady with just one person. If you don't hang out with a number of friends (who are boys), how WILL you know if the boy you like and want to go steady with, IS your kind of boy? 

I also met with her guidance counselor at school to discuss some recent teasing S had been subjected to. When I told him that S had come to me and told me about the teasing his first comment was "You must be doing a great job if your daughter still comes to you to discuss her problems at this age". It hit me then! Maybe my attempts at keeping the communication channels open ARE working! All I need to do now is KEEP them open. 

Easier said than done!

What about you? How do you keep the communication going between yourself and your children? What would your reaction be if your 11 year old daughter came to you and said she likes a boy? Or if your 12 year old son came and told you he likes a girl? What DO you think about middle school kids and dating? I personally think it is too early at 11 or 12 but I also know that my saying so will not deter them. (Having friends of the opposite sex is okay in my eyes) Share your strategies with me. I am new at this "parenting a preteen" gig!!

To my "Little Women"

Previously posted on Desicritics. org.


Dear M and S,

Yesterday was International Women's day. I wanted to write this for you then, but better (a day) late than never, right? 

You, my beautiful little ladies, are the reason your dad and I find each day worth living to our fullest. Before you came into our lives, we had no idea that we lacked something (or two special someones) in our lives. But now we cannot imagine not having you in our lives. I shudder at the thought of sending you to college. I will probably be the helicopter mom personified, literally hovering over your dormitories and classrooms. I have no qualms about embarrassing you, my darlings. See, that is what we are saving for - your respective therapies that will be needed just for the fact that you have been subjected to your dad and me :)

That apart, here is something I want you never to forget. You are going to grow up into beautiful, confident women. Your dad and I will make sure of that. The world and its uncle will try to tell you how a woman should behave, think, dress or live. Before they get to you, I want to imprint a few things on your minds.

1. You DON'T have to please everyone all the time. You DON'T have to please ANYONE at all, if you don't feel like it. Sure, nice people sometimes do some things for others that make them (others) feel good. I am all for such niceties. But remember - NEVER be forced into doing something, anything for someone if your heart, gut or mind says no. Listen to your "self". I am not condoning selfishness. I am just saying that do not give in to someone's "Good girls make sure their parents/husbands/boyfriends/friends/God/whoever are happy". Remember, a happy and contented self is much better than a happy anyone-else. But diplomacy sure does make life easier - remember that!

2. Stand up for yourself. Because no one else will, if you don't. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to. If you think what you are offering someone is reasonable and fair, it probably is. If they don't agree, negotiate. But DO. NOT. BE. BULLIED. INTO. SUBMISSION!! It is possible to be pleasant and yet stand your ground. At the same time, never be hesitant in unsheathing your claws when you have to. Sometimes you HAVE to show people what you are really made of in order for them to take you seriously.

3. Remember good men don't hit women. They don't terrorize women, humiliate them or coerce them into doing something they don't want to do. There are plenty of good men around. You DON'T have to settle for anyone less than "good". Not even for "good enough". It is better to spend life alone than to put up with an abuser just because "Good" didn't come along. Have the confidence to go on your way alone and I am sure you will find someone who is just right for you. Even if you don't, remember YOU are perfect for you! Remember how your dad loves and respects me. Always remember - you deserve such a partner too. Never settle for anything less.

4. Be financially independent. No matter how loving a husband/partner you have and even if you are well taken care of, make sure you have at least one UPDATED skill that can get you gainful employment whenever you need. You never know what curveball life will throw at you next year, next month or next moment. Be prepared. If you WANT to work, never let anyone tell you that good wives or mothers don't. Never let another person dictate whether or not you should work, or where for that matter. There is no blessing greater in this world than to be able to do what you want to do in life. And don't let any idealist tell you that working to "earn money" is inferior to any other goal. Don't let money be your be all, end all. But do make some money. You will realize a healthy bank balance brings along mental peace and allows you to focus on the more important things in life - like family. Don't undervalue money, but don't overvalue it either.

5. Take good care of yourselves. Take time out for yourself, no matter how crazy life is and no matter how many responsibilities you have. Even if you are with someone, make sure you take out time for YOU. Alone. Very important for your "self" AND for any relationship. Eat healthy, exercise, be active. Have some hobbies that take you outdoors and allow you to be physically active. Mental agility is good too. Try and strike the balance between the two.

6. Be cautious. In unknown locations, uncertain situations and around unknown people. ALWAYS be on your guard! Safety should be a habit, not a "hobby". I cannot stress this enough.

7. Learn everything there is to learn to survive AND to live comfortably. Learn what it takes to progress in your professional fields, learn to cook, to sew, to change a flat tire, change a light bulb, repair a fuse, fix a toilet. In short - anything that you might need to do one day. Or earn enough to be able to pay others to do all this for you. But I'd still say knowing how to do all these things is a good idea - then you will know if someone is trying to rip you off by charging, say, 50 bucks to fix a fuse.

8. Don't hold regrets and grudges. They poison minds, hearts and relationships. It is a difficult thing to learn. I am still learning it. But I hope you will do a better job of it than me. Talk things out. Don't let a little disagreement fester into a big one. Learn to apologize when it is your fault, but don't be apologetic all the time. Learn when to say "I understand you feel this way, but I think I am right".

9. Take a long time to make friends and even longer to end friendships. Remember it is hard to undo the hurt of a mean word or gesture. But also know when to let a relationship go. If it is preying on your mind and being, but going nowhere, you are probably best OUT of it than in.

10. Be competitive. Healthy competition builds character. Don't let the pacifists tell you that participation is good enough. Participation is good but winning, or trying to win, is better. I don't mean to tell you that your efforts are worthless if you don't win. What I mean to tell you is put in your 100% efforts and then some more. If you win, good, if not at least you know you tried your best.

11. Love each other unconditionally. A sister (sibling) is our first and ever lasting best friend. Sure you will have differences. Who doesn't? But learn to resolve those differences amicably. In the end, when your dad and I are gone, you will only have each other to lean on.

There! 11 things - one for each year that I have been a mother. There are many more things I want to tell you, teach you. More later!

Where does "control" figure in your parenting style?

Note: Previously posted on Desicritics


When I first became a parent, I thought I could control all aspects of bringing up my child. Her environment, her influences, her choices, likes and dislikes. Well, I knew I couldn't control her choices, likes and dislikes completely, but I sure hoped I could help shape them. Only thing is - I didn't think of this as "controlling behavior". I sincerely thought of it as "perfect parenting".


11 years down the line, I know one thing. There is no such thing as a "perfect parent". I have worked hard at keeping an open communication channel with my older daughter (the younger one is too young to "communicate") and through various conversations with her I have realized that, maybe, I went overboard in certain things. Things that, when I reconsider my approach, I could have held back on and gotten approximately the same results. In other words, I should have been more picky about choosing my (parenting) battles.


Good thing is - I realized it at all. Given that I have an ego the size of a mammoth, it hasn't been an easy task to realize and accept that I am not *gasp* The Perfect Parent!! I see parents around me who have gone through YEARS of parenting without realizing that the amount of control they want to exert on their kids' lives is not healthy. It is unhealthy for their relationship with their kids and it is probably unhealthy for their kids' self-esteem. Extreme control will, most probably, either make the kids complete pushovers or rebels. It will disrupt their ability to develop a balanced personality. There are very few who have, and will, overcome that kind of influence and go on to develop all-rounded, wholesome personalities.


I understand the need to control your child's environment, influences etc. when he/she is little. But I am a great believer of gradually letting go as the children grow older. My intolerance towards extreme parental control also arises from witnessing, firsthand, how some people try to control even their grown up, adult children. It is difficult to let go when you are not mentally prepared for it. I have seen what kind of bitterness that introduces in the relationship between the parents and children.

So, how much control is acceptable in your opinion?

Are we teaching our kids only half the lesson?

Scene from about 10 years ago:

A little boy, about 4 years old, is sitting in the kitchen with a glass of milk in front of him on the dining table. His young aunt is sitting there too, with her glass of milk in front of her. They are about to see who can drink their milk fastest. Aunt picks up her glass and starts sipping her milk. The little boy protests "You can't drink faster than me! I want to be first". Aunt replies "So why don't you start drinking your milk?" The boy doesn't want to. Aunt says "You have to drink faster to be first. I am not going to slow down just so you can win." The little boy doesn't get this logic. Till now everyone he has competed with, has lost to him. They have even pretended to cry upon losing. The aunt would have none of that. You either drink fast or you lose. If you sit with your glass of milk in front of you, I'm not going to sit with mine waiting for you to begin! The boy cries. His mom is fuming and eventually tells him "Okay you can defeat me in milk-drinking competition. Let kaki (aunt) drink her milk". Matter ends.

I was that heartless aunt. J's nephew, the little boy. I was trying to teach him that in order to win at something we have to put in our best efforts. Maybe my timing was wrong, or the method needed improvement. I know for sure that I needed more support from the rest of the family in teaching him these things.

Even today, 10 years later, I see parents rushing in trying to make sure their kids excel at everything. Not too long ago, I wrote about a dad's valiant efforts to prevent boys facing defeat from a girl. I saw a parent fretting over their kid's presentation on the school's stage and watch them mouth the kid's lines in a play (isn't it amazing that they took the time to learn ALL the lines? I couldn't be arsed!) to prompt her to do better. What's wrong with that, you say? Well, teaching your kid to say her lines properly is one thing. Sitting in her face, prompting her for every effing line, with actions, while the play is in progress? I am sorry but this is stretching things a bit too far. Let her screw up a few lines for goodness' sake! Let her taste failure, disappointment. Because only then will she get the determination to do better the next time. And who knows? She might surprise you by remembering exactly how to say the lines. She won't gain confidence until she does it all on her own. Be there to help her. Teach her. Learn with her. But when the time comes, let her do what she has to do. Sit back and enjoy the show. Literally. If she messes up, fine! Make note of her mistakes and discuss them later. At home. NON accusingly.

It raises my hackles to see parents and teachers trying to make every kid feel special at any given event. "We all are winners for participating in this event". "There are no losers. Only winners". "You all are winners for making the effort". WTH??? I get it, I do, that kids should be encouraged for merely participating in an event. Winning ain't everything. But what about the poor winner (never thought I'd use the words "poor" and "winner" together) who put in extra efforts, who perhaps practised his/her butt off before the event? Don't put the losers down but at least show some appreciation for the winner(s)! It is this mentality of making everyone special that gets my goat. Yeah everyone is special. I am not denying that. But if someone made an ounce of extra effort and stood out among those special kids, please do make a little bit of song and dance about it. The poor sucker spent time and effort at getting better than other kids at something!

What I am afraid of is that these very kids, whom we are trying to help develop a healthy self esteem, will grow up to be over-confident brats with ginormous, inflated egos who think they can never lose because... well because they are specail! And when life serves them one of its lessons? When they lose out to someone a bit more deserving? Or even someone less deserving? (because that does happen) They will be devastated because failure will be an unkonwn territory for them. They wouldn't know how to overcome something they have never experienced or even dreamt about! THAT is why I think we parents owe it to our kids to let them taste a little bit of failure. We need to make our kids realize that life isn't always fair. Not everyone gets candy and a certificate at the end. And even if failure beats you down, you HAVE to get up. brush off your clothes and get back in the frigging fight!

And it isn't about only winning. It is also about learning from your mistakes. Improvement. If I step in and correct every mistake my child makes, how will she ever learn to check her own work and correct it if needed? At the event I wrote about in the beginning (play, parent mouthing lines), S forgot to bring along a printout of her lines for the play. I told her to figure out what to do. She said she'd ask her teacher if she could take another printout. They did have some time. I thought even if the teacher got upset at S for forgetting her lines, it would be a good lesson for her to learn. The teacher didn't get upset and just printed out the lines for her again (I guess she is more used to such things, being a fifth grade teacher). I think S did learn a little lesson. Two, maybe. One - to remember such things, and two - to figure out a solution instead of panicking.

All around me I see efforts being made to help kids succeed at everything. Nothing's wrong with that. My only grouse is that nobody is teaching them to lose gracefully. Unless you fail at something, you cannot learn to be graceful in the face of defeat. And unless you do so, you can't learn the WHOLE lesson that life has in store for you. If they fail, we rush in to heal their broken ego with kind words, telling them they are a winner for even trying. That winning or losing doesn't matter. All that matters is that one tried. All valid lessons in themselves, really. But not once do we tell them gently "Next time try a little harder and I am sure you'll get better at this thing." We are selling mediocricy so kids' feelings don't get hurt when they are 2nd or 3rd or 15th in the race. What is worse, we are not teaching them that more important than winning or trying is improving oneself. Doesn't matter that you were 12th in the race this time. If you practice, you might be 10th the next time. That will be an improvement. THAT is what matters.

Time matters

We have been struggling with teaching S to manage her time properly. She is a daydreamer, this girl. And likes to chat. Loves her little sister to bits too. So before you know it, a 15 minute homework has stretched to over 45 minutes because she was day dreaming and then started telling me about something funny that happened at school and HAD to respond to the sweet "didi, didi!" calls of her little monster sister.

I talked to her teacher about it and she reassured me that S is one of the most organized students she has. Always finishes her tasks on time. I think that is because there is no one nagging reminding her to hurry up every half hour. She knows she has to deliver and knows the consequences of not delivering. Well, it is definitely not the same at home so I have been wondering how to handle this. 

There was a time when mornings in Kay household used to be scream fests. "BRUSH YOUR TEETH FAST!!", "HOW MUCH LONGER?", "GET OUT OF THE SHOWER NOW!!" etc. used to be the oft screamed sentences. Then I got a hold of myself one day and decided not to scream any more. I found that was more effective. Things got better for S' ears and my lungs. And mornings became kind of peaceful. Lately, the chaos has been returning slowly. S is taking longer in mornings. And takes forever to get ready for bed. Her official bed time is 9.30 pm. But she never manages to get in before 10. This irritates me no end. I give stern talkings to. I glare. I hiss. I pout. I sometimes yell too. Last night I got exasperated and decided to try out a new way.

S has been told that starting today, we will not remind her to do ANYTHING. She knows she has to do her homework and chores, and her bedtime is 9.30. If she gets to bed by that time, well and good. Otherwise she can get in bed at whatever time she does. We will wake her up at 7 every morning. And if she manages to get ready in time to catch the bus, I will drop her off at the bus stop. If not, she will miss school and stay home. I will do my job - wake her up, get lunch and dinner ready in time, get her to appointments and classes and love her. She will have to do her job - do her homework, chores and get to bed in time. If she can, very well. If not, we won't lose our patience at her or yell at her. We refuse to make her lack of time management skills our problem. Let's see how this goes.

Update: Day 1 - she got one reminder from me to look at the time. Got in bed by 9.45 pm, which wasn't bad but could have been better. But it was infinitely better because I didn't spend the evening hissing "Look at the time and hurry up!!" Day 2 - she caught the bus! With just one reminder from me to keep an eye on the time, she was ready in time. INFINITELY better since we didn't have to keep going to the stairs (she uses the bathroom upstairs) to ask her "HOW much longer?" :P We'll see how does the rest of the week go.

More thoughts out loud

I wrote a post about a month back, about how I would be disappointed if S decided to go into a non-technical field professionally. It was more about my struggle with my preconceived notions than a comment on a particular field of profession. I got some interesting comments that served to widen my perspective but I got distracted by the Learning Disabilities posts and couldn't reply to these comments in time. So I decided to devote a post to these comments. I am extremely sorry for the delay in replying. Maybe you guys weren't expecting any (given my lax behavior in the past) but not being able to reply to comments always nags on my mind. My replies are in italics.

asaaan said...

I dont really care what she does in school as long she doesnt get married till she is in her(at least) late twenties.
Is that bad of me to want her to not be like me(didnt finish college, married at 20,first child at 22.)

Ohh I didnt know you had to chose electives in middle school. Ashwina will be going to 5th this fall and middle school fall 10.

Me: I don't know about it being bad (of you to want her to be not like you) but I think that isn't actually what you want. All you want is for her to not make the mistakes you made. And I am not saying here that you made mistakes - you do love your life the way it is now, don't you? Maybe you think she should make different choices because the choices you made wouldn't be right for her?

I didn't know about the elective either. This was new for us.

the mad momma said...

i understand. i'd be terribly disappointed if my kids were scienceys. i am very artisitic and you love to know that they share that link with you. would i deal with it? totally. its my prob, not theirs.

Me: Glad to have you on this side then! Yeah - I'd deal with it and not burden them with it.

roop said...

u got urself corrected towards the end. so no brickbats!! :P

u'll make the right decision when it's time. we have full faith in you. :)

Me: Thanks for the vote of confidence Roop :) And thanks for not throwing those brickbats too!

Subhashree said...

Yeah, I wouldn't mind if my kids chose whatever profession they want. But if it is in the same line as the husband and I am in, it'd be easier to guide them. Well, I don't even know if they'd want any guidance, but still I'd like to be prepared.

Me: Yeah - it isn't even about guidance I think. Is it probably the thought that by following in your field they are validating your choice of profession? Though why would I be looking for validation for my choice of profession in my children's actions is beyond me :P I think I am muddled in my mind. Don't really know why I would want her to be a techie. I just would!

dipali said...

What a sensible mother you are, Cee. We just muddled through, I think!

Me: Sensible?? I haven't heard the words "sensible" and "Cee" in the same sentence Dipali. Ever!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I agree with tearsanddreams. I think its a very subtle distinction (being disappointed in her because you think its an inferior option and being disappointed because you lose a link to her). The danger is that your daughter may pick up on the disappointment and not on the reasons behind the disappointment, which as I said are very nuanced. And being well-behaved, one danger is that she may be very very subtly pushed into choosing a technology/science career which would make her happy but not terrifically happy.

otoh, I'm sure you've got it all sorted out and its good that you can see those differences and acknowledge them.

And I'm not sure I'd want to guide my daughter in a particular career, but I'd like to guide her about HOW to choose good work that would interest and excite her.

n!

Me: Maybe you are right. But I like to think that the communication between her and me is clear enough for me to be able to make her understand that I will stand by, and fully support, her choice of profession.

lumi said...

Each child is imbued with his or her own set of talents even though they were knit from our DNA. The beauty of education in America is that you can study and be whatever you want to be and don't have to have a predetermined idea of what it is you want to do in school before you get there.

Encourage your daughter to take as many different kinds of classes as possible. Obviously there is a need to have a solid foundation in math, science, and writing. The balance of her courses should be left up to her. There's nothing wrong with being a non-technically oriented professional. If she has a passion and talent to do something it should be cultivated.

Mini-me is a budding environmentalist but has a gifted eye behind the camera, plays the violin with joy, and could out draw me by the time she was five. I'm proud of her for pursuing her interests and talents.

Me: Yes, that is exactly what we did (encourage her to take varied classes). She has elected Arts and Dance as the first and third electives. Technology is second but J or I didn't force her to do that. She liked the content: Graphic designing, publishing, animation etc. We did discuss her reasons for selecting each elective. As for encouraging her non-technical interests - we do that. She plays the violin, loves painting and creating comics, also plays the piano pretty darned well and is taking gymnastics and tennis lessons :) Didn't like being on the swim team so we took her off - no hassles. So she KNOWS we will respect her wishes. By the way, I LOVE the American education system for the reasons you mentioned. I love the flexibility it gives one. I love how you don't get rigidly slotted into a field (arts, commerce or science) the moment you enter 11th grade. I love how you can still go into any field irrespective of the subjects you study in high school. Wish we had that when we were in shcool.

General Note: I never said there was anything wrong with being a non-technically oriented person. I would encourage her in any profession she took up sincerely. I was just talking about my own feelings. I do understand about kids picking up on our unspoken disappointment but I am trying to avoid that with open communication. At least, if she feels I am disappointed about something, she will come and ask me why. I am sure of that. I think! :P

Thinking out loud

Today, while talking to a friend about the electives that S has chosen for middle school, I said something I am sure she didn't understand. We argued briefly over it then gave up and decided to enjoy the rest of the limited time we had to chat with each other. But what I said is still going around in my head and I am sure I won't be at peace until I put it down somewhere. So, here goes....

I said I will be very disappointed if my daughter chooses arts as a career. Yep. I said that. And now I will wait for the brickbats.

While I don't think I owe any explanation to anyone for my opinion on this matter - except to S, I began thinking of my reasons. The only reason I could think of is that I am a technology-oriented and artistically challenged individual. I understand technology better. I understand the career options in technology better. If my daughter chose something that I couldn't understand or help her with... well that IS the heart of the matter, isn't it? We want to be important in our children's lives. We want to be able to "help" them with the major decisions in their lives. And we want a connection with them through our choices in life. My parents wanted me to opt for science because they were both science/engineering teachers and of course, opting for science meant you were intelligent. I don't subscribe to the latter belief myself - I am just saying how it was then.

But what I think does not matter at all. That is what my friend didn't understand. My opinion doesn't count because it is my daughter's life, hence it should be her decision. I strongly believe in parents letting their children make their own decisions. And as I am learning on this road of parenting, sometimes you even have to let your kids make wrong decisions just so they can learn from them. You have to put your confidence in them, in your own parenting. You have to believe that the foundation of values and ethics that you gave them in their childhood is strong enough to help them make sound decisions later in life. You can and should guide them, but you have to leave the final decision up to them. I certainly DO NOT mean that choosing a career in art would be a wrong decision. I am just saying what MY philosophy about parenting is - let your kids make their own decisions, let them make mistakes, and if they do make mistakes then stand by them without judging them and help them learn from their mistakes and rectify them, if possible. That is all we CAN do as parents. I have seen way too many lives ruined by well-meaning parents interfering in their children's decisions.

So while I would very much like it that S goes into a technology or science related field, if she chooses otherwise, I will still wholeheartedly support her. Yes, I'd be disappointed but NOT because I'd think her choice is inferior. Just because as a parent I'd like that extra link with her. And I won't be disappointed in her. I will try and educate myself more about her choices and maybe that will help me understand and accept them better. Maybe I'll grow up a little more by then and her career choice wouldn't affect me at all - one sure can live in hope.

A field trip and a few questions

Warning: A jumbled post ahead. Read at the risk of getting a migraine!

S went on a Team building field trip with her class this Monday to the YMCA in a town about 27 miles from here. Parents volunteered to drive the kids to and from there. Most field trips are like that - parents volunteer to chaperon or drive. I got laid off from my job last month so I grabbed this opportunity to go on a field trip with my daughter and get to see her classmates, to see how she interacts with them and to generally be with her.

There were two instructors who led the entire class through some fun games and activities that also help build team spirit. First they played a modified version of tag, then were given a "puzzle" which they solved by brainstorming together. All the while the instructors were driving home the point that things get easier when you work as a team, and that working as a team also means listening to your team. A very important lesson for 9 and 10 year old kids, believe me. Heck, an important lesson for many adults I know.

Then they were led into the woods on the YMCA property for more activities. One was rock climbing. They had a 45 feet tall wall made for rock climbing. The kids were told they will each get one chance to climb it but they had the "right to pass". S' school has this concept of "right to pass" where any child can take a pass on any activity if they don't feel comfortable doing it. I think it is a good idea because it prevents hurt self-esteems of kids who are forced to do something and fail, and it reduces teasing to a great extent. Everyone knows that all kids have the right to pass, so no one gets teased for opting out of an activity. Also, those who try and fail feel better that they at least tried.

Most of the kids tried, one opted to pass. Then when he saw how much fun it was to be swung down on a rope, he decided to give it a try too. The first kid climbed the ladder (the base of the wall was about 10 feet above ground and they had to use a ladder to get there) and as soon as he grabbed the first rock, he got scared and wanted to come down. No big deal, as these were just 10 year old kids. S went next and she decided she couldn't proceed after climbing 2 or 3 rocks. Down she came. Then the 3rd or 4th kid climbed the wall all the way to top and rang the bell. After that two girls scaled the entire wall. And there were a few other kids from the second group who did it too. The most interesting part of the wall climbing exercise was the reaction of the first boy's (let's call him R) dad, Mr. G. When the first girl climbed the wall to the top, he said out loud "Are you boys going to let a girl beat you?"

Later we proceeded to another activity where there were 5 tyres hanging from a rope tied between two tall trees. The tyres hung at different heights and the challenge was to move from one tyre to the other without touching the ground. If someone got stuck their teammates helped out by swinging into them to push them towards the next tyre. The first kid to reach the last tyre held on to the second-last tyre so they could swing it out to the next person. If someone touched the ground, they started all over again. R couldn't manage to do this one either and he really didn't mind. He was busy having fun, which WAS the ultimate goal. N, the girl who had scaled the wall, did this one fairly easily too. So Mr. G started pushing his son to do it because he couldn't "let a girl win". He was encouraging the girls and complimenting them on the accomplishments too, but he also kept saying "are you going to let a girl beat you?" all the time. I guess he thought he was providing a challenge and encouragement to the boys. He even got upset at his son because his son "is a boy scout and should be able to do such activities easily". The son, at one point, got upset at him for which I really don't blame him. When this had been going on for about 15-20 minutes, one boy turned to Mr. G (right after one of his "Are you gonna let a girl beat you?" remarks) and said "Mr. G, ever heard of being a gentleman?" to which Mr. G replied an enthusiastic "Of course!" The boy turned back and muttered loud enough for all of us to hear "Of course you have!". I gave him a mental high-five. Mr. G went strangely quiet after that, though he still did make sure that his son completed that activity at least ONE time.

What IS it with over-competitive parents? Can't they let their kids be? Just once let them enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination? Someone told me about a mom who was asking another parent about a technology magnet middle school in a nearby town. One of her questions? "How many kids from this school make it to Harvard and MIT?" I mean, come on! You are talking about middle school students. Give them an ambition by all means, but don't go around with a rigid yardstick for measuring success. S is very good at math. She is doing junior high algebra at KUMON while the rest of her class is still struggling with double digit multiplication and long division. While I would like for her to go into technology field (the sole reason being J and I understand technology better than we understand anything else and I know she has a similar aptitude), she has expressed interest in becoming a vet. I know at this age ambitions are not permanent. They can change a million times before they arrive at the point where they actually have to choose a career. But I would never even dream of telling S that one career could be better over something of her choice. Yes, I would like to give her facts, and maybe ask her to weigh her decision carefully (when she is old enough to make such decisions) but I would NEVER tell her what she should do. Then sometimes I think maybe I am doing this all wrong? Maybe I should push her, force her, tell her, impose my wishes a little more on her? I dunno. I sincerely hope I am doing the right thing.

Another thing that struck me at the field trip was the other extreme of this "make every kid feel valued" movement. Know how "all kids are special"? Which translates to "losers are as successful as winner because... well, because ALL of us are special". What IS it with this killing of the competitive spirit? A little, healthy competition can be very good for kids. They learn a lot of things from it - sportsman spirit, the drive to succeed, how to be a graceful loser. When the first kid scaled the climbing wall, S' teacher declared every kid who reached the top of that wall will receive five "school dollars". In S' school, kids receive these fake dollars for good behavior or a good academic performance etc. They can save these dollars and buy anything from the school store (that carries donated, but new, items or things like homework passes etc.) When the teacher declared the award, one kid immediately piped up - "It isn't fair to kids who can't get to the top". That really amused me and also made me a little sad and concerned. We have made our kids so politically correct that they have forgotten (or maybe never learnt) that good performance is awarded with rewards while a less-than-good performance doesn't get anything. That, to get a reward, you need to put in little more effort. It IS sad, isn't it? What also bothered me was that the teacher didn't grab that opportunity to discuss this with the kid(s).

Today I went to S' school to meet with the teacher who runs the Academically Talented (AT) program. A child needs to be placed in "Advanced" level for reading and writing to be recommended for AT. S missed the advanced level in writing by just 5 points (a small margin) and in reading by 15 points (a bigger one). So I know she cannot be recommended for the program, and she understands that too. And frankly, I am not very concerned about it either. In my opinion, the AT program does give them an opportunity to do many interesting things but it doesn't make or break anything for them academically. I just wanted to understand the procedure and requirements for being placed in advance placement classes in middle or high school. During my conversation with the teacher, she mentioned that I can tell S that apart from her actual performance, there are many other "stupid" factors that decide whether a student can be in AT or not. She meant to say - your daughter's lower-than-required score is not her fault. Well, I disagreed with her. My daughter's scores - good or bad - ARE a result of her efforts. Just like she won't credit someone else for a good score, she can't blame someone else for a bad one either.

I have seen and heard of parents covering for their kids bad performances in tests. Moms call professors in their kids' college to "talk" about their scores. I don't know - if my parents ever did that, I would have disowned them for humiliating me so completely. Parents hover over their kids while they do their homework, write their reports for them. This might be considered "good parenting" but I am sure the college professors won't be receiving a phone call from this mom. If my daughter didn't study for an exam, she WILL face the consequences. When will we let our kids take the responsibility for their actions and face the music? The sooner we do that in their lives, the better it is for them. This lesson learnt early in life means there are less costly mistakes further down the line. When will the parents understand that?