NOW try telling me rapes happen because of how women dress or behave

Many people believe that incidents of rape and sexual harassment happen because of the victim's outfit or behavior. Many of them are people in positions of power which means chances are high that their opinions will influence other people's opinions. That is unfortunate because the fact of the matter is that rape is more about exerting power over the victim than about satisfying a sexual urge generated by titillating outfit or behavior.

Rape is a disgusting display of brutal power and twisted morals. It has nothing to do with the victim, and everything to do with the rapist. But you know what my great country-people believe? That a little, 7th grade girl is to blame when she gets raped by a neighbor who is a grown man with kids of his own. That disgusted me no end. But waitaminnit!! While searching for the news article about that rape, I stumbled across this news article. At first I thought it was news about another rape victim in India, but no! This one happened closer to home - in Springfield, Missouri! I fully expected the sexually repressed Indians to blame the victim. Imagine my horror upon finding out that the people from a developed nation's sexually liberated society think the same way! Difference is, this is a somewhat isolated example here whereas this thinking is prevalent in Indian society. The Western world is not completely free of this mentality though. Last year, a Canadian police officer's suggestion that "women should stop dressing like sluts" to remain safe triggered "Slutwalks" all over the world. So this depravity is not limited to third world countries alone - it is widespread and thriving all over the world.

It is easier to blame the victim in this kind of crimes, than to blame the perpetrator. Why? Who knows? It IS hard work catching the criminals and proving their crime. It is safe to hide behind the traditional thinking. It is easier to control the women when they are made to believe that they are responsible for the harms that befall them when they step outside their "boundaries". It is morally uplifting to believe that the victims got what they had coming to them and we aren't victims because we are purer and/or smarter.


If the moral police were right in their beliefs about the influence of victims' behavior or clothing on a rapist's mind, no 10 month old girls or 80 year old women would get raped. If they were right, we wouldn't come across such news articles (Thanks to Sue for this link - I lifted this from one of her tweets). Go ahead read this and tell me it did not turn your guts inside out.

See that is another thing about rape - it can also be used as a weapon of war. It is never about the victim's attire or behavior. It is always about exerting control and asserting authority. Even when the rapist does rape the victim because she was improperly dressed or drunk, he actually does it to "teach her a lesson". Now go ahead an read the articles that I have linked in the previous paragraph and then tell me if those victims were raped because they were wearing revealing clothes, or because they were behaving inappropriately or simply "asking for it"?

You know why the criminals get away with these excuses? Because WE, the society, let them! We dumbly accept their excuse. Heck we even accept that a rapist should get a reduced sentence because when he committed the crime of rape, he had been away from his family for a long time and hence not in control of his actions. It does not matter that his victim was a 10 month old baby. We accept these excuses because we, despite being intelligent beings with rational thought capacity, still cannot accept sex for what it is - a natural act. And we keep associating it with what it isn't - control, blame, impurity, pleasure-seeking (which, somehow, seems an inferior behavior to our minds), guilty pleasure, selfishness, you-name-it-we-got-it.

Things have GOT to change. We have to assign blame where it is due, not where it is convenient to place.

CSAAM April 2011 - empowering the children

It is pretty surprising that despite having undergone several sexual harassment/ molestation incidents throughout my childhood and young adulthood I have ended up being fairly scar-free of those emotional traumas. I don't know how or why. I definitely had my parents’ unspoken support and that gave me strength. And I read books and articles on the matter like crazy – they made me realize that it was not my fault. But it was brutal going through all that starting from a very young age of (perhaps) 3 and a half or four years. My first memory of such an incident is not visual. It is more related to sounds and touches. The molester was a teenage girl (or probably in her early 20s).

From then on, I was fair game like every other girl in India is, to these beasts. I have lost count of the number of times I was harassed on the streets, molested by people I (or my parents) trusted AND the number of years I believed that all this happened to me because I was promiscuous. I do, still, remember the shame I felt, the fear and the frustration that gripped me and the rage that shook me every time something like this happened. What’s worse was that I had NO ONE to talk to, about all this. The few times I did have to ask for other people's help, I was chastised for having brought it upon myself (never by my parents though).

One incident that stands out in my mind is from when I was 9 or 10, in 5th grade. A family friend's son had moved in with us because his family had to move to some other town and he was waiting for a room to become available in his college's hostel. One day he called me to his room to show me something. I don't remember what it was but while I was looking at it, he placed me in his lap and started grinding himself into me. I ran away from there at the first opportunity I could find. All this happened while my mom was in the next room. I told her what happened and within a few days he was gone. This unspoken support gave me strength but I feel it would have helped me greatly if my mom had talked to me about it, explained how it was not my fault. So, even though my parents showed their support for me by their actions, I grew up believing that every such thing that happened to me happened only because I somehow brought it on myself.

These molesters can be anywhere. I remember how a close friend of my dad, would squeeze my breasts every time he came over (which was often). I was probably 9 at that time. He was bold enough to do it unobtrusively, right in the presence of my parents! I am sure he got that confidence from the fact that the Indian society does not believe in talking about these things openly. So he was confident that the shame and guilt will keep me quiet. It did. I was fortunate that this, and almost all other incidents, didn’t escalate into more serious sexual abuse. Maybe my parents noticed it and avoided situations that could result in a terrible situation but it would definitely have helped if they had also talked to me about it - would have saved me from years of angst and guilt.

These experiences taught me never to trust anyone and never to ask for help. To this day, even though I have overcome the shame, the fear and the frustration, I still cannot bring myself to trust anyone fully. And it still isn't easy for me to ask for help. Small price to pay for being scar-free, I think.

Thankfully, it hasn't made me a paranoid parent. Yes, I worry about my girls' safety, and I am not naive about the dangers lurking out there. But I refuse to let that fear make me restrict them to the point of suffocation. S goes on sleepovers and stays overnight at our friends' places. I am slowly encouraging her to step out on her own and find her footing. I'll be there if she needs help but I will NOT lead the way. I believe she will gain tremendous confidence from finding her own way with me and J by her side, like I did with my parents' help.

These experiences have taught me the importance of keeping an open communication channel with my daughters. I keep the conversation going about how to recognize the signs of sexual harassment, how one should trust their gut instinct in such matters and how it is NOT THE VICTIM'S FAULT. Not even if the victim were dressed in inappropriate clothing.

This last one originated from a comment my older daughter, S, made when I broached this subject right before she left for an overnight field trip. As I explained to her how she should trust her gut instincts and tackle such situations, and how it is NEVER the girl's fault if she is harassed or molested, she turned to me and said "unless she is wearing really inappropriate clothing, right?" I was gobsmacked!! I have NEVER expressed this opinion. I don't subscribe to it. I don't know where or whom she picked it from. But I am glad she mentioned it because then I got a chance to correct her.

I explained to her that even if a girl is dressed highly inappropriately, even if she is running around naked, it is NOT right for anyone to molest her. It would be just like taking, say, a purse from Macy's display just because no one is looking and the purse is very pretty and within easy reach. The law won't excuse you for that. Similarly how can it be okay for someone to harass a woman just because she is within easy reach or an easy target? That is the problem with this entire situation - we (as a society) tend to blame the woman for "inviting it upon herself" instead of blaming the man for not being able to control his animal urges. Isn't that what being an adult (and a civilized being) all about? Controlling urges that could harm others? Why not expect the men to control themselves? Why do we let men off so easily?

I hope S understood what I was trying to say. I hope these conversations help her in some way because I can only imagine how they could have helped me get over the guilt I felt almost my entire childhood. And I hope I can keep these communication channels open to help make my daughters strong enough to deal with such situations.

I know I cannot protect my daughters forever. But I can empower them to handle all kinds of situations. I can remind them, again and again, that they can come to me and their dad if they need help or support. And I will educate them on the matter so they go out in the big, bad world with their eyes and ears open.

We all need to talk about CSA more. Not talking about it openly sends a message to our kids that it is something shameful if you are a victim of it. We need to place the shame where it belongs – on the abuser. We need to create an environment in our homes that will encourage our kids to come talk to us instead of wallowing in shame or hurt. Almost always, abusers get away with their deeds just because the victims stay quiet out of shame or confusion. If we remove the barrier to the victims’ free speech, it will take away the cloak of security from the abuser. THAT is what will empower the children.

CSAAM April 2011 - A great initiative

Child Sexual Abuse is usually swept under the carpet as something too dirty to talk about. The result? Many, many people (myself included) who go through their childhood believing whatever happened to them was their fault. 

A group of bloggers started an initiative to spread awareness about Child Sexual Abuse during the month of April. What happens, how it happens, what can be done to help the victims and to empower the children so they are never victims - everything and anything that can help spread awareness is being covered under this initiative. Do check out their website. Follow them on Twitter or "Like" them on Facebook. Contribute, participate. Spread awareness. 

Justice for Ruchika Petition

Justice for Ruchika Petition

A recipe for disaster

I went to a women's clothing two nights ago. While I was standing at the counter to pay for my purchases, a sales associate returned with a driver's license and "returned" it to me. It belonged to the woman who paid for her purchases before me - she must have applied for their store credit card because that is when they ask for your social security number and driver's license (to complete the application). She had drifted away to look at some other things. Now, if I had even a little bit of criminal tendencies, this was a great chance for me to make away with that driver's license. Instead I refused to take the card saying it didn't belong to me. The woman whom the card belonged to probably didn't realize how lucky she was that I wasn't someone looking for easy money/credit. I could have simply walked away with the card and used it to apply for new credit cards or open new bank accounts or possibly empty out her current ones. I would have been at least one step closer to doing all that.

I always follow one rule when handing out a credit card or an ID card to someone - I keep my wallet open in my hands until I get my card back. It has become a habit now. If I have my wallet open in my hands (while waiting for someone to finish processing some transaction), it means they have my card. Recently this habit saved me from losing my older daughter's Insurance card. I had given it to the receptionist at a doctor's office to copy for their records. She got caught up with other work while I waited and only after I reminded her did she remember to return it to me.

So a little bit of gyaan in today's world full of identity theft risk - never leave your ID card unattended in another person's hands. DO NOT drift away while someone else is taking down your information from it.

Being an advocate for your child

Kiran of KarmicKids came up with the idea ofdedicating March as a "Learning Disabilities Month" in our little corner of the blogworld. I already wrote about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), how it is related to Learning Disabilities and how it is different from them. This post is on how we can help our kids by being their advocates.

Disclaimer: I have put together these posts with help of online research. I am NOT an expert on the matter. These are just my personal views. If you have any concerns that your child might have a learning disorder, please voice them to your child's doctor immediately.

When S was little, she had run ins with a few kids who would bully her. I was too timid at that time to correct the bullies because I thought disciplining other people's kids was not my job or my place. And I sincerely believed that all parents wanted their kids to behave well and so they would stop their kids from bullying others. What a fool I was!! Over time, and with experience, I have learned that is not always the case. I have to discipline other people's kids if they hurt my child and if their own parents are turning a blind eye. I owe it to my kids. If I won't protect them, then who would? And not all parents are as obsessed with good behavior as I am.

I have had a few arguments over this topic with a few friends. One says it is her job to step in to negotiate/manage a situation whenever her child is being bullied/picked on. A few others say they totally believe in teaching their kid to hit back when he/she is bullied. Now I don't agree with any of them. I don't disagree completely either. It is my job to step in until my child is old enough to learn to stand up for herself. And it is my job to help my child learn how to resolve such situations without being mean or nasty. That, I think, is a good life skill to have. And I definitely think every child should know self-defence for extreme situations. I certainly do not think it is appropriate of me to tell my child to hit back everytime she is hit or bulllied. I think that should be reserved for when everything else fails.

I have learned one thing as a mom. That a parent is the only advocate a child has. Everywhere. On the playground. At a party where another kid is subtly picking up on her and the parents of that kid are studiously ignoring their child's behavior. At school.

All of us know that if our child is ever diagnosed to have learning disabilities, he/she will need our staunch support to get through school. All the support we can give him/her, all our understanding and love. All our patience. All our courage - in defending him from well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning teachers. And surprising as it may sound, even if our kid is among the top five in the class, he/she still needs us to be their advocate. I learned that the hard way. And I mean to share my experience here just in case it might help someone else. I will also share a few resources about being an advocate for a child with learning disabilities.

S has always been good at academics. We have always gotten glowing reviews from her teachers, right from pre-school. She has always been ahead of her grade level in reading, writing and math. So one would think that a teacher would recognize that intelligence and recommend her for an advanced program if she qualified, right? Wrong! S' school has an Academically Talented program for kids who are ahead of the rest of the class. I always thought she would get recommended if she was good enough for the program and if she didn't that would mean she doesn't really qualify. That is why I never really worried that she never got a recommendation. But in fourth grade, her teacher raved about how S should be in the AT program and how she didn't understand why she wasn't in it when so many other kids who were, didn't really deserve to be in there. She assured us that she will recommend S when the time came. The time came and went. I assumed in good faith that the teacher will keep her word. She didn't. Then, very conveniently, shrugged it off saying "The deadline is gone". That is when I realized that even if my child is a 120% eligible for something I cannot depend on someone else to help her get it unless I become her vocal and alert advocate. I mean, why would the teacher go out of her way and create more paperwork for herself by recommending a child whose parent doesn't bother to hound her? That was a big lesson learnt. I am sure M is going to benefit more because by the time she gets to kindergarten I will be a pro at this advocacy thing :P

A child with learning disabilities needs an advocate more than anyone else. Teachers and caretakers would just as easily recommend the child be pumped full of drugs to make him/her more manageable instead of putting in time and effort to manage his behavior. I am sorry for this harsh judgment because I know there are still many dedicated teachers and caretakers out there who wouldn't take this route. But it is because of those who take the easy way out instead of working with the child that I have formed this opinion.

As this article mentions it isn't always with malicious reasons that your child may be deprived of the help and support he/she needs. It may be because there aren't enough resources or maybe he/she fell through the cracks because the teacher was overwhelmed with other high-maintenance kids. We have to make sure that our child gets the help he/she needs when it is required. No matter how many times we have to send that reminder, no matter that we have to make a pest of ourselves in front of school administration by insisting our child be evaluated/helped a zillion times, no matter what else.

Another thing I have learnt in the past few years is assertiveness. Assertiveness is a quality one needs in HUGE doses to be an advocate to one's kids. Again, I learnt this from personal experience. Here is an article that talks about how to be assertive. I think this can help ANYBODY, whether or not they have children with LDs. Assertiveness is a good quality to have in any situation.

And finally, here is another article that talks about why we need to be advocates for our kids and how we can do it.

ADHD and Learning Disabilities

Kiran of KarmicKids came up with the idea of dedicating March as a "Learning Disabilities Month" in our little corner of the blogworld. I am writing about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), how it is related to Learning Disabilities and how it is different from them.

Disclaimer: I have put together this post with help of online research. I am NOT an expert on the matter. These are just my personal views. If you have any concerns that your child might have a learning disorder, please voice them to your child's doctor immediately.

ADHD: What is it?

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) is the name of a group of behaviors found in many children and adults. Kids and adults who have ADHD have trouble paying attention to anything they do and are more impulsive and/or active for what is usual for their age.

ADHD is characterized by presence of one, two or all three groups of behaviors - inattention, hyperactivity and impulsiveness. Based on the symptoms that a child shows, his/her ADHD can be categorized into

1. ADHD, Inattentive type,

2. ADHD, Hyperactive-Impulsive type and

3. ADHD, Combined Type. According to the Learning Disabilities Association of America following are the symptoms and signs of ADHD, and also strategies to help children with ADHD:

Symptoms and signs

1. Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes
2. May have poorly formed letters or words or messy writing
3. Has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
4. Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork or chores
5. Avoids or strongly dislikes tasks (such as schoolwork) that require sustained mental effort
6. Forgetful in daily activities
7. Has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
8. Loses things necessary for tasks or activities (pencils, assignments, tools)
9. Shows difficulty engaging in leisure activities quietly
10. Acts as if “driven by a motor” and cannot remain still
11. Blurts out answers to questions before the questions have been completed, often interrupts others

Strategies

1. Allow a child to change work sites frequently while completing homework or studying
2. Assign tasks involving movement such as passing out papers, running errands, watering plants
3. Use music as a tool for transitioning, song = task
4. Vary tone of voice: loud, soft, whisper
5. Stage assignments and divide work into smaller chunks with frequent breaks
6. Teach students to verbalize a plan before solving problems or undertaking a task
7. Permit a child to do something with hands while engaged in sustained listening: stress ball, worry stone, paper folding, clay
8. Use inconspicuous methods such as a physical cue to signal a child when she or he tunes out
9. Provide opportunities for student to show divergent, creative, imaginary thinking and get peer recognition for originality
10. Employ multi-sensory strategies when directions are given and lessons presented

Another site I recommend for getting more information about ADHD is FamilyDoctor. According to this site, here are the strategies to help a child who has ADHD:

1. Make a schedule.
2. Make simple house rules.
3. Make sure your directions are understood.
4. Reward good behavior.
   
5. Make sure your child is supervised all the time.
6. Watch your child around his or her friends.
7. Set a homework routine.
8. Focus on efforts, not grades.
9. Talk with your child's teachers.
   

Come to think of it, these strategies will help ANY child, won't they? Please visit the above link to see the detailed description of these points. It is easy to confuse ADHD symptoms with the normal childhood behavior. Many children are hyperactive, younger children typically have a shorter attention span and not to act on an impulse is sometimes a learned habit instead of being an inborn trait. So the mere presence of these symptoms is not an indication of ADHD. There are some other criteria for confirming a diagnosis of ADHD, which include (but may not be limited to) the following:

1. The symptoms have been present for at least six months,
   



2. They began before the child was 7 years old, and
   



3. They are causing an impairment in more than one setting, like both at home and in school.
   

Though it is natural for a parent to worry, but in this case dagnosis is best left to a professional. ADHD is NOT a learning disability but it can cause learning problems in a child. It is very important to get a proper diagnosis AND to understand how it can affect a child's learning process.

How is ADHD different from Learning disabilities?

A common misconception about ADHD is that it is a learning disability. The confusion occurs because ADHD can affect learning and as many as 30% of people suffering from ADHD also have a learning disability. There is, however, a difference. A student with a learning disability will be deficient in one or two areas while performing at or above average in other areas. ADHD, on the other hand, affects learning globally and affects all cognitive functions instead of just one or two. A student with ADHD should always be tested for learning disabilities because an undiagnosed learning disability can mimic the symptoms of ADHD. During my research on this I realized there is TONS of material out there. My post is in NO WAY comprehensive on the topic. In fact, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of it. It is aimed at merely creating an awareness. To find more information on it, ask your child's doctor AND Mr. Google. Here are links to the websites I took help from in compiling this post:

Learning Disabilities Association of America
Wikipedia
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
National Institute of Mental Health

Family Doctor


Here are the other posts on this topic around the blogworld -


Kiran wrote how parents can help their child if he/she has Learning Disabilities.


Tharini has written on the different types of Learning disabilities.

Lak wrote about learning disabilities and their impact on a child's self-esteem.

Priya has written about her daughter's struggles with speech and language delay.


Girl Next Door has written about how to treat/manage Learning Disabilities.