Using my words

So I have had hundreds of ideas for a post but when I sit down to write, they all evaporate. I have been too busy to write them down somewhere to help my memory but I think it is more than just a memory issue. When I do get online, and I still remember what I wanted to write about, I still don't feel like doing it. There are a few reasons for that. I have realized that many of my earlier posts had kinda "holier than thou" elements to them. "I am awesome because I do things this way and you should too, then you will be awesome too". I have lost patience for those kind of posts - mine or from someone else. I don't feel like writing about my kids because, again, if I write about how awesome they are (they are, they are!) am I not just bragging about my parenting skills? My friends still love me - well the ones who keep in touch do. The ones who fell out of touch because they were counting how much I don't call them, never cared anyway. So what DO I write about? There are certain things that I feel about deeply, but then I have not mastered the art of baring my soul yet. It makes me feel too vulnerable. I feel like I have lost my words.

Well, one thing I CAN write about is - how much I have to be thankful for. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and, like we have been doing for the last 9 years, we have 4 friends and their families coming over for dinner. These friends love us enough to set aside an entire evening for us on a long weekend. Earlier this year J and I both lost our jobs within 2 months of each other. It was a stressful time. Before my notice period ended, an opening in the same company for the same position, but in a different business unit, came up. My soon-to-be-ex boss gave me high recommendation and I got the job. My commute increased from 24 miles a day to a whopping 160 miles a day! It helped that I loved my job and enjoyed it. Things have been hectic but I have gotten a satisfaction out of my job that not everyone does. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for friends who supported us during that tough time.

J & I have been married for 19 years this December (the 3rd, in case someone wants to wish us a happy anniversary :D). We have been through an inter-continental move, infertility, a failed pregnancy, 2 child-births, 2 depressions, 3 job losses, one recession, death of my father, and numerous other challenges. I have come to realize what kind of a support J is. He is my rock. He didn't leave me when even I would have left me if I had been in his place. I am thankful for him.

Our daughters are growing up into beautiful, confident, smart women. S will be off to college in a couple of years. Everyday she amazes me with her clarity of thought and maturity. I recently had the "sex and drugs" talk with her. Her response? "I have too much to lose if I can't get in college, so these things are not on my agenda" (I am paraphrasing but this is essentially what she said) She plays volleyball with a dedication that wants me to borrow from my retirement account to let her play on a travel team she got chosen to but cannot accept because we don't have the money. Last night, when I told her that we won't be able to do the travel team because of the expenses, she cried. She was heartbroken, and I was too. But absent were tantrums and accusations. Actually the absence of tantrums and accusations was what made it more heartbreaking. I am thankful for my precious daughter who is so mature and understanding but still has a resilient streak in her that makes me so proud of her. Keep your stubbornness honey. You'll need it. The world can be mean sometimes.

I am thankful for the ray of sunshine in our lives that we call M. It has been a blink of an eye and she is already 7. She loves to do what her didi likes to do. Plays violin and does Kumon with a dedication because, yes, didi does it too! She is an "excellent student but a bit chatty" in her teacher's words. Very helpful and kind. Last year, during a thunderstorm, she helped a scared friend by holding her through the storm and telling her not to be afraid. She is the only one in the family who keeps her room clean consistently :) She knows her mind and oh how she knows it! I love that in her. There is nothing you can make her do if she doesn't want to do it. Stay this way baby! And thank you for coming into our lives and enriching them beyond our imagination.

My mom! I am thankful for the fact that my mom spends her money and time to stay the summer with us every year. She is always a great help when she is here - I don't have to worry about meals and the house. I don't have to bear the guilt that my kids can't stay at home even during their summer break because I have to go to work. This year her help was extra appreciated with my long commute and increased traveling for work. I wouldn't have survived the summer without her and my aunt, who came to visit us with her. They both gave us all a memorable summer. I am thankful for both of them.

There are times when I get depressed thinking about things that are still not right for us. But then I remind myself about what I do have. I have so much to be thankful for! Here is my wish for you for the Holidays -

May the positives always outweigh the negatives in your life! Happy Holidays!

A true global integration

is when Indians celebrate Thanksgiving (an American Holiday) by getting together and eating Chinese food!

Yep - the menu for this year's Thanksgiving Dinner hosted by the Kays is:

Appetizers: Sweet corn soup, spring rolls.

Main Course: Veg Fried rice, Chow Mein, Veg Manchurian and Chili Paneer

Dessert: Cheesecake

Happy Thanksgiving all!!

Belated Thanks

Last Thanksgiving was bleak for me. No. It was beyond bleak. It was the deepest, darkest time I have ever had in my life. I still celebrated Thanksgiving with friends like I do every year. I felt that was the exact antidote for my grief. I could cope with my tremendous loss with the help of the warmth from good friends and lovely memories. The Thanksgiving before that, Ma and Pa were with us. So this one was bittersweet - bitter from the loss and sweet with the memories.

I have been meaning to write this post since then. I ALWAYS give thanks. And I feel the true test of that would be to see if I could find something to be thankful about in such bleak times. Well I did.

I am thankful for the time I did get with my father.

I am thankful that HE was my father.

I am thankful for my family - Ma, my brother, his wife who was there for me when I needed her most, her parents, J - my pillar of strength, my darlings S and M.

I am thankful for my friends.

I am thankful that Pa was here to see my second child and enjoyed being with her.

I am thankful that he didn't suffer much.

I am thankful for all the friends and family members - uncles, aunts and cousins, my BIL and SIL, who rallied around us in our darkest hour.

I am also sad and sorry about a few things but I certainly am thankful for all that I have. Lord, please never let me forget that.

What did I do to deserve THIS?

The weekend was tough. I was sick - cough, cold, fever. The whole enchilada. For the first time in my life I wished we could ask someone to come over and take care of the baby so both J and I could rest a little. But J soldiered on, let me rest through the fever and by Sunday evening I was back on my feet. Even managed to clean the first level of the house! Dusting, sweeping of the floors - everything!! There is something about Monday morning deadlines that forces a person to shape up :D

Tuesday morning couldn't have gotten any more crappier for me. M had a appointment with her pediatrician for the 9 month checkup and she was supposed to get her shots. J was supposed to take her but at the last minute an emergency arose for him at work. I had an urgent meeting but his emergency trumped my urgency so I had to take M to the doctor's. Wasn't a big deal though - just had to email my boss that I'll be in late. That is the thing about such situations - you feel more guilty when everybody understands the situation you are in and doesn't say anything. Anyway. What do we learn when we get to the doctor's? That despite being on her THIRD round of antibiotics (Amox, Augmentin, now Vantin - I didn't know there WERE so many antibiotics :P) for SIX days, M still has an infection in her right ear. So now we are going to see an ENT specialist and see what he says.

But this is SO not the point of this post. When I got to my office, I popped in my boss' office and said "Sorry for the short notice" and what does he say? "No problem. Don't worry about it".

Then I bumped into Tharini from Winkiesway on Googletalk. Her reassuring words were like a soothing balm. She offered to send some Saibaba bhabhooti for M. Now I don't believe in all this, but I sure recognize love and caring and kindness when I see it. I really appreciated that offer and accepted it. Told Tharini my true feelings and said I'd try it for her sake and she accepted. I am hoping her faith will tide me through these difficult times.

Next, I see Broom on Googletalk and her status reads "sick". So I pinged her and eventually (pretty quickly, actually) the talk turned to my kids and their health. She offered a shoulder for me to cry/whine on and said she would have babysat for my kids if she were here. She even promised that she would sincerely pretend to "listen" to all my woes so I can IM her to my heart's content :D Now what else can you ask for, huh?

Then I went to our HR director and asked her if there was a way for me to get unpaid time off if I need to (my company doesn't do unpaid time off as a policy) and she told me that even though there isn't a policy, they do evaluate such cases on individual basis and all I have to do is submit a request saying I would like to take unpaid time off for all doctors' visits for the next x number of months. I asked her if, after doing this, I wanted to take paid time off at the end of the year (we are planning a trip to India) would it be frowned upon? She said no.

Then I went back to my boss and told him about my conversation with the HR director and he supported me thoroughly. He even suggested that maybe I should take some time off and keep M at home to help her get better fast. This, despite a BIG project looming ahead.

Later during the day another friend chided me for not telling her about our ordeal because she would definitely have helped (even though she was sick too).

Coming back to my question - what did I do to deserve such kind and compassionate friends and colleagues? It really warms my heart to see that there are so many people who care for us. THANK YOU ALL!!

I Thank Thee, Lord

For giving me two precious gems - S & M.

For the Prince-cut diamond - J.

For my parents, who didn't think twice before dropping everything to come over and help me.

For my brother, who still considers me a good friend. And his wife who apparantly likes me :D

For my ILs who love my daughters from the depths of their hearts. Who probably love me too, in their own way.

For my friends who love me enough to throw me baby showers. Who come to my house from 100 + miles away even when they are going through chemotherapy because they "miss the baby". Who are willing to spend one whole day with me. Who cart my daughter to and from activities sometimes. Who bring me lunch and dinner when I need it. Who cheer me up when I am down in the dumps.

For my job because it provides me with the intellectual stimulation that I crave.

For my blog friends who leave caring comments and offers of help when I share my problems on my blog.

I thank Thee, for I am blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Doesn't matter if you celebrate it or not. I wish you happiness on this day and for the rest of your lives.

We are celebrating Thanksgiving with loving friends this year too. And this year I have my parents with me to add to the happiness. Menu has been decided, almost half the preparations done. House is still a little messy. Maybe we'll be able to clean it, maybe not. Who cares? Who cares when the company is good and the food delicious? (Even if I say so myself :P)

Thanksgiving menu - desi ishtyle:

Chhole-Tikiya
Muthiye (A gujrati dish made with shredded cabbage, whole wheat flour and other spices - yummy!)
Katori Chaat - Crispy deep fried bowls made with all purpose flour, filled with sprouted lentils, cucumber, shredded cabbage, potatoes etc. topped with yogurt and chutneys)
Moong Dal Ki Kachori
Fruit Cream - Whipped cream loaded with fruits.
Vanilla Icecream topped with chopped nuts

Have a good one, everyone!

Giving Thanks

This year we have much to be happy and thankful about. We actually try and find something every year to say thanks for - there is no other way for me. This year has been special in that it has been a combination of highs and lows - chemical pregnancy, new house, difficulty conceiving, house guests, difficulties at the job (yeah, I don't think I have written much about that) and then a few successes too (didn't write about that either), our daughter finally breaking free through the grips of Alopecia Areata....

And now there is even bigger reason for saying thanks - after trying for so long, after going through the highs and lows of drug induced depression, after countless number of shots and medicines and medical procedures....

... I am pregnant again!!!!

This cycle "took". We are still sitting with our fingers and toes (and eyes too, in case that helps) crossed, but I am beginning to be more hopeful. Today I am 10 weeks(!!) pregnant. We have started telling family and friends slowly. My initial reaction to this pregnancy was of disbelief. I had had NO symptoms (which, the nurses told me often is the case in IVF procedures - or maybe they were just trying to ease my nervousness) and was certain this cycle had failed too. Then I learnt that I was indeed pregnant. I still didn't want to believe it because I was afraid if I celebrated this one, it would turn into a chemical pregnancy too (can you say "Superstitious"??) My husband agreed. But then one day I realized I wanted to celebrate even if it turned out to be a short lived happiness. At least I would have been happy during those 6 (or 8 or whatever) weeks - I argued. A pregnancy attained with so much difficulty deserves to be celebrated no matter what the outcome. So we quietly celebrated, the two of us. We went out for dinner and a movie. And we said "congratulations" to each other and we hugged each other tight. We went to all the ultrasounds (4 in total) quietly, without announcing the fact. After the third ultra-sound at 8 weeks, when we heard the heartbeat, we decided to tell our immediate families. We told our daughter last Friday - November 17th, after I completed nine weeks and after we had seen the baby once more on ultra-sound. This Thanksgiving we have invited a few, very close friends and are going to tell them then. I already told my boss last week (I had to - I am showing already!). And we are planning to declare it to the rest of the world after the first trimester is over (around December 5th). Since I am already showing, they might have already figured it out by then! Of course, I am never going to be worry-free until I have my baby safe in my arms (and then I will start worrying about other things). I guess any kind of a failed pregnancy would do that to a woman. At least I won't be able to "relax" during this pregnancy - I will always be worrying.

So there. We have BIG reasons to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. And I want to take this opportunity to thank ALL OF YOU who came to my blog and left me good wishes, positive thoughts and encouragement for this cycle. I makes my eyes turn misty to think that all of you care so much. THANK YOU!!

I was discussing Thanksgiving with a colleague this morning and mentioned that I won't be cooking Turkey so cooking shouldn't take me long. Besides, we are having a pot-luck dinner with friends so none of us has to spend the whole day in the kitchen. She insisted that we had to have turkey (or something that resembles a turkey) for Thanksgiving, otherwise the holiday is "incomplete". That got me thinking - isn't it possible to celebrate Thanksgiving without having Turkey? After all, it is about giving thanks and it does not matter what kind of food you give your thanks over - does it? Maybe thats just me. We never celebrated Thanksgiving until two years ago. And even then I started celebrating it because I wanted to teach my daughter the concept of being thankful for what we have. On the other hand I have always believed that one can, and should, give thanks to the Almighty anyway, anytime and anywhere. It doesn't have to be over a feast. It can be while I am driving, or when I am cooking or even when I am taking a shower. All I have to do is think in my heart "Thankyou God, for such and such. I appreciate having it". That is all - isn't it?