It probably is too late

but I'll write this anyway.

Happy Anniversary, dear hoosband. You and I have known each other for almost 20 years, loved each other for 19 and been married for 14. We have been through a lot together. Studies, boring lectures, interesting group discussions, tyrant uncles and aunts (well that one I went through alone but you were by my side holding me together), angry parents, controlling parents, financial troubles, secondary infertility, kids' health troubles... And we stood by each other through everything. I am sure we will weather anything life throws our way.

With you, life seems like a Foxtrot. Sometimes an easy pace, sometimes blurs by at a fast clip. But we keep pace with each other, swing together, never miss a beat. Of ocurse it took us a lot of hard work to find this rythm. But we couldn't have done it if you hadn't been willing. Now we are a team. I buckle, you lift me. You slow down, I fill in. Sometimes I don't even need to say what I am thinking because I already know you understand.

I often remember random incidents from the past and they bring a smile to my lips. Remember we rushed through the statistics paper (in 4th sem?) and then went to the "thadi" to have a "cut chai"? God, I HATED that chai. But I loved your company so I pretended to like it :) Remember the first time you bought me a rose? I do! Remember you gave that beggar kid an extra buck because he said "Bhagwan aapki jodi salamat rakhe"? And we weren't even dating then. It proves you had designs on me much before you let it on! :P Remember your first proposal? It broke my heart :( But I am SO GLAD that I made the right decision! I could never have found a better partner than you.

I think I can never say this enough - I love you. I love you like I have never loved anyone, ever. Happy (belated) anniversary dahlin'. Here's to many, MANY more. *clink*

What do you do?

When someone won't listen to you?

You are, say, putting up a "car port" (tent) with them for one of your cars. Your region has some really unpredictable weather patterns. You are worried that some day the tent will just get blown away by the strong winds that sometimes invade with all ferocity. Your concerns are pooh-poohed away. Support is sought from your mom and the BOTH of them shoot down your suggestion to nail down the pegs of the tent.

Then, say, one day a strong wind does blow the tent 20 feet into a tree. What do you do?

You help them pull the tent back in the blistering winds. Then you say "I told you so!" Over and over. Then come inside and blog about it.

That's what you do :D (And then you even email them this post :P:P)

A fleeting moment

...etched in her mind. 

They are walking back from the restaurant, after having had lunch together. She shivers. There is a cold breeze. She has her coat in her hands, but was too lazy to put it on. He chides her for not putting it on, then extends his arm around her shoulder and shields her as best as he can. Who'll say it is soon going to be 14 years?

A fleeting, tender moment.

What do you do if

the best friend you want to share everything with IS the same friend you are throwing a surprise birthday party for? I have been DYING to share this with my best friend. I'll blog about it instead.

J turns 40 tomorrow, April 11th. I have planned a surprise party for him with a few close friends. Nothing too elaborate - just how he'd like it (I hope!) - 5 close friends and their families, all his favorite food, a few decorations, a cake and a lot of fun and laughter. Oh, and I am gifting him a "flight experience" - half an hour in a private plane. The pilot might even agree to fly the plane over our house (says so on their website :P) By the time this post gets published, we will be in the thick of it - the party, I mean.

To get him out of the house, so I can prepare for the party, I am gifting him two movie tickets to "Fast and Furious". I have enlisted help from a friend of his who will pick him up, take him to the movies and then for happy hour in a nearby bar and then bring him home when everyone has arrived. There the surprise will register and end pretty quickly because he is bound to figure everything out when he sees all those cars in our driveway. But it should be an interesting moment :)

The menu comprises of dishes he likes. Falafel, chholey tikiya, papdi chaat, dahi bade, daal kachori, matar (peas) samosas, shrikhand and baklava. Falalfel and baklava have been ordered from a restaurant he likes them from. Everything else will be made by yours truly. Well, except the cake. That responsibility has been handed over to another good friend who will order it from a bakery in NJ. A very haphazard menu but I hope he'll like it. I asked him what his favorite chaat items are and he thinks I am going to make them for him on his birthday for LUNCH! I have asked him to take us out for dinner :D I hope he doesn't know about the surprise and isn't just playing me along.

Well, I'll post an update on how it all goes. Till then, wish me luck!!

Update: It is 12.38 AM on April 11th. I have already gifted him the movie tickets and told him this is so he can get 2 hours without the three bhootnis who constantly badger him in this house :D I have told him that I am preparing so much food because I want to make his favorite food items ALL WEEK LONG. I don't know if he bought it. He did laugh and say "I'll see if it goes beyond 2 days" (That's because I am "famous" for changing the weekly menu umpteen times at the drop of a hat..... Well many hats)

Seventeen years??!

Happy anniversary, darling!

Sheepishly added: It is the anniversary of J proposing to me :P Not an "anniversary" anniversary. But we do celebrate it. With a hug and a kiss :)

Added later: And apparently with a bunch of roses! J just walked in with a dozen roses!!!

The romance is not dead. Yet.

Not when he sneaks off to buy Valentine's day cards for the girls in his life. He only got caught because he bought the cards at a store he has never been to before, so the credit card company flagged the transaction and called in the evening to confirm it wasn't a fraudulent charge. As luck would have it, "she" took the call :)

Not when she slinks off to buy cards under the guise of getting candy for the older daughter to distribute among her classmates on V-day. And gets caught coming in the home with the bag of cards.

Not when they "hide" the bags in front of each other, secure in the knowledge that the other won't peek.

Not when they still enjoy these simple, silly little things in each other's company.

No romance, and more importantly LOVE, is not dead.

Yet. :P

It's been, what? 18 years? They celebrated V-day for the first time in 1991. When they were the best friends. Then came love. And roses. And cards. Then marriage. And kids. They haven't stopped. Don't plan on stopping.

Happy Valentine's day everyone!!

Use your words

Note: I wrote this post just before I got laid off, and in the excitement (?? :D) of losing my job I forgot to put it up. I debated whether I should put it up now, after more than a month, and decided that I do want to. Even though things are a little different now, this is how I sometimes feel. So here goes...

This is what I say about my husband to friends, family and to J himself:

• He is a loving and responsible father and husband.
• He is my pillar of support. I know I can fall back on him, any day any time.
• He pitches in equally (sometimes more than that) with the kids and other responsibilities around the house.
• He is generous.
• He does not spend on himself even for things we can easily afford.
• He respects me.
• He puts family first.
• He is not at all selfish.

This is what J says about me:

• .......................................

And so it has been for the past 12 and a half years. Now, the wise and sane among you will say (and have said so in the past) that as long as he shows, with his actions, his appreciation, I should not mind. Well, I tried. But I still mind.Why is it so hard for him to give me what I have been asking for? Pleading for? When he KNOWS what I crave? And when I give it to him freely?

I'll tell you what this lack of appreciation has done to me. It has eaten away at my self-esteem, my sense of "worthiness" for my family. I have begun believing that I don't do anything for the family in comparison to what HE does. He brings in the bigger paycheck that pays for all our bills, mortgage, necessities. He loves us girls unconditionally. He carries his responsibilities to his family (us) steadfastly. He doesn't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm his family. He picks up the girls from school/daycare/camp. Takes S to her doctors' appointments.

What do I do? I don't pick up the girls. I don't take S to her doctors' appointments, though I do take M to hers. I bring in a minuscule amount of money that can't even pay for one month's expenses+mortgage. That is how I feel.

I sat down last night to reflect on it. And I realized what I do for our family/us.

• I love my family more than I love myself.
• I put my family's welfare/well being before mine.
• I honor the family budget. I have credit cards and J never questions me on any expenses. I have the freedom to spend. But I don't. J tried to turn this argument around by saying - I have never stopped you from... Well, THAT is not the point here. The point is that I DON't even though I have the means and opportunities to. THAT should count for something, yes?
• Yes, I have expensive tastes. And that is why I don't buy the things on my list of "I want" items. I am willing to wait until we have that kind of money. And if that never happens, it is fine with me too. Here also, J said "I have never said no to buying those things..." Zat is not ze point dear. Ze point is, I show restraint so our family doesn't suffer financial distress. Again, THAT should count for something. Right? Right!
• I make sure my family gets nutritious meals. At the same time I, again, take care of the budget by cooking at home.
• I love him and the girls unconditionally.
• I carry my responsibilities to our family steadfastly.
• I don't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm our family.
• I drop the girls off at school/daycare/camp.
• I take M to her doctors' appointments.

So you see, I am not completely useless in this family. I do carry some responsibilities sincerely.

This is what I told J the last time we argued over this. How this lack of appreciation is making me doubt my worth. It is dragging my morale down. The whole world sees and comments on how involved a parent he is. His mom commented how he was the best husband I could have ever hoped to find because he gifted me exactly what I wanted for my birthday. My parents commented how great he was to have agreed to take care of the girls while I paid a surprise visit to them for my mom's retirement. Coworkers and friends raise their eyebrows and exclaim "How nice!!" when I tell them how much he helps me and how there is nothing, that I do for the girls, that he can't do. I am not contesting any of these praises. I am the first one to accept that I hit a goldmine when I married him. My issue is not with the praise and accolades that he gets. I'd be the first one to tell you that he deserves all of it twice over.

My issue is with the praise I don't get from him or his parents or our friends. And frankly, I don't care about praise from friends and family. All I care about is appreciation from HIM. Because in absence of it, I am left wondering if he thinks I am slacking off, or that I am not pulling my weight in this relationship or if he even notices what I do around here.

The best Mother's day, yet feeling a little unloved

This Mother's day was special - my first one with Baby M. And the first one when S remembered it on her own and prepared a card for me ALL BY HERSELF.

Got a lovely rose from M's daycare.

And a card that had her picture in the middle and hand prints on each side. And a beautiful finger-painted card from S. She had painted a bunch of purple grapes with her fingers and written "Love you a bunch" inside. (Don't have a picture to post). And she gifted me a few of her prized possessions - some beautiful colorful stones. These things made this day THE BEST for me.





Something else made me a little sad.





Nothing - NOTHING - from J. Not a card. Not a bunch of roses. He did remember to wish me a happy Mother's day right before he called his mom, and I say GOOD FOR HIM! If he can't remember the mother of is own children, then he deserves the whack on his head that he would have gotten if he'd forgotten. But not receiving a card from him hurt me more than I thought it would. Even though I got the most beautiful cards from the girls, and they are the ones who matter on this day, it did pinch a little that J didn't care enough to get me a card. On Mother's day, we went to a friend's place to celebrate his birthday, and on our way there we stopped at a store to buy a bouquet for him. Even then it didn't occur to J that he should at least get me some flowers too. I went in to buy the flowers and it sure was infuriating to buy those flowers when I knew J didn't remember to buy me anything.





Maybe I am making a huge deal out of nothing. He is a good father and a very good husband. But all through our marriage, there have been such occasions. On my first birthday after we got married, he said he didn't "feel like buying me roses or more than one card" when I asked him if he was getting me any. This from the man who would get me roses for no reason at all when we were dating.





Lately it has been "I didn't get the time". I don't buy that. If I can find the time to buy him a Father's day gift in advance ONE DAY before going to the hospital for my scheduled C-section, if I can drive in snow to buy him a Valentine's day card and gift, if I can take time out from a busy schedule to get him a birthday card and a gift - so can he. He just needs to plan it better. I have been trying to make him understand - and have failed. Even when we were living in Indore with his parents and I was completely dependent on him for shopping (wasn't allowed to go out alone - don't ask), I managed to get him a surprise bouquet of roses every damn year with a friend's help. Heck, I even managed to gift him a surprise bouquet when we came here even though I didn't drive at that time and there were no flower shops within a walking distance.





I know I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He loves me more than anyone else in the world and that should be enough for me. I am not even mad about the damn roses or the gifts. In fact I asked him not to get me anything for my birthday this year because I want to buy a laptop next year. I am mad about the excuses. I am mad about how he makes it sound like he did remember but he is soooo busy that he couldn't step out to buy a card. It would be fine if he just accepted that he forgot/couldn't buy and said "sorry". That wouldn't be too hard now, would it? I would understand and maybe even laugh it off. But to say "You know how busy I am. How could I go?" insults me. You listening J?





Anyhoo. So, we fought over it and made up (Well, kinda. If we had truly made up, I wouldn't be writing this post, would I?). I decided that J WILL buy me flowers, whether he wanted to or not. So, on my next trip to the grocery store, I bought these for myself - from J.

And I coolly informed him that he is going to buy me flowers like this every 2 weeks. For ever. :)

For some reason, these flowers stank so bad that we spent a good half hour looking for a stinky diaper under the sofas and behind doors until it struck me that I had smelled that smell while I was grocery shopping too! Sure enough - we got a generous whiff of the "stinky diaper" smell when we performed a nasal investigation on the flowers!

It is time for me to go grocery shopping again. Will post a picture of the new flowers soon!

Belated Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

Dear J,

You are the pillar of support I lean on whenever I feel weak. You are the shoulder I seek when I need to cry. I look for you when I need a laugh and I come rushing home when I have a funny story to share. You are the ONLY person I trust completely to look out for me and the only person on this earth I have any expectations from - because I KNOW you will come through!

It's been, what? 17.5 years now, since we have known each other? And 16 years since you gave me this song on a tape and said "Call me after you have listened to this". Even after 16 years this song makes my heart jump and melt and overflow with emotions with the same intensity it did the first time. Your smile still makes me go weak in the knees. My ears still strain to hear your laughter. My heart still aches whenever we have to separate even for 2 days (I'll miss you baby, this next week). I still remember how you took Lalit's (?) help in creating that card you gave to me (remember the card?). I had to leave that, and everything else that I cherished, behind when I came here with you. But having you is all I care about.

S wonders out loud at least once every week why you and I fight so much :) I don't know about you, but I don't mind these fights at all. I feel so comfortable with you that everything, even fighting and the making up afterwards, seems natural. I know you are the best dad these girls could have. And you are the best husband I could have ever hoped to find. But above all, you are my BEST FRIEND even after all these years.

Happy Birthday, Dahlin'.

And today, it is my turn to say "Call me after you have listened to this"!

Update: I told J to go to my blog and see this post. He did. He listened to the whole song with a smile. Then he asked me to get his cell phone - I thought he was calling a friend we had been talking about. A few moments later, my cell phone rang. It was J. He simply said "I heard the song and I love you too" and hung up. Right in front of my eyes! :D

TaDa!!

One tooth is beginning to peek out! This morning M grabbed my finger and put it in her mouth - right over the emerging tooth. It was as if she gave up waiting for her mom to put a probing finger in her mouth in search of new teeth and decided to declare the new arrival!

S got her first tooth the day she turned 10 months old. M got hers when she turned 10 months and a day. She followed her big sis in at least one thing. If this is any indicator of things to come (M following in S' footsteps) I can start relaxing right now :D My fear is that M is turning out too much like her mother.

Today is a big day for another reason - J and I celebrated our 16th "anniversary of togetherness". Today is the day he said "I love you" to me [for the second time]. Today we completed 16 years of that fabulous event. Yes, we still wish each other a happy anniversary on this day. We are that kind of romantics. We have stopped exchanging gifts. At least for as long as we have to pinch pennies to create a comfortable future.

Today was a whirlwind but I worked non-stop all evening to make sure I can get to bed in time. No such luck. While winding up the kitchen work, I noticed we didn't have warm water. Checked the heater and found out that the furnace wasn't working. That means no hot water, no heat. No can do - specially if the temperatures are still dipping at night. So we called the 24 hr. service number (around 11:15 pm) and they said someone will be over in a couple of hours. Well, it is 11:45 pm and he is already here. I like this kind of service! Will know in a few minutes if we will have heat and hot water for the night or if they are going to need to come back. Never a dull moment around here!

The visit with ENT specialist went well too. He said M still has fluid in her ears but the infection is gone. So, now we will watch her for signs of further infections. He said if she gets another infection within the month, he will talk to me about tubes. I asked him what is the minimum age for a baby to be a candidate for ear-tubes. He said he has put them in babies as little as 5 months old. He also said that for a baby her age, she hasn't had too many ear-infections. In other words, this many ear infections are normal in a baby her age. Well, that's funny because I don't remember S getting even a single ear infection at this age. The first one she had was at the age of 2.5 years (I think) and till date she has had about 2 or 3 maximum. What makes a baby extra vulnerable to ear infections? Just wondering.

This week has started with a bang - M gets her first teeth, we celebrate an anniversary, M goes without an ear infection for the first time in the last month or so (keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed :P I hope I haven't spoken too soon). Rest of the week seems promising too. J goes to NYC again for training from Wednesday to Friday. So I'll be doing The Juggle again. Friday is J's birthday. Looking forward to that even though I haven't a clue what I am going to get for him.

S and I went to the supermarket last weekend. While coming back, during conversation regarding my forgetfulness, S said "You could lie to dad about something and he'd believe you". I said I don't like to because 1) I just don't feel comfortable lying to him. A marriage should be based on trust and 2) if he catches me in a small lie, he might not trust me again for anything. I told her I wouldn't want to lose him over that. She says "You know, I love him more than you do". I said "How could that be possible?" She says (well I helped her in this deduction, but anyway) "I have loved him all my life while you have only loved him half your life". She has a point!

Difficult decisions, and a change of mind

Last few months have been somewhat tough on me. With M's trysts with diarrhea, lactose intolerance and now ear infection (more on that in another post - it deserves a post of its own), I have been wondering if I should quit my job and stay at home with her. And believe me, however hard it might be for me, I'd do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would set everything right. The latest discussion I had with J on this was last saturday when I just broke down and declared I was quitting on Monday. Believe me - I wanted to call up my boss right then and tell him that I am quitting. But then I and J talked some more about it and he said that though he would leave the ultimate decision on me, he doesn't think M will be any happier if I stayed at home with her. She is a very social baby. She loves it at the daycare - I can see it in the way she bounces and strains to get out of her car seat as soon as we get there. And how she smiles at me when I say "bye" to her and leave. And the way she just leans towards, and gets into the arms of her careproviders. And how she crawls furiously jumps into my arms when I get back from work. She has minimal stranger anxiety (ok - may that hasn't developed yet). That tells me that she is secure and happy at the daycare and also feels loved at home and is happy to be home too. What more can I ask for?

So, I have been going back and forth. Now I have decided that if she falls severely sick even once more, then I am done with my job. And that I am giving ourselves 4 months - during these 4 months, we will try and live within J's salary. If we can do it, I'll consider quitting my work for 6-8 months even if M is not sick.

I have always said that the decision to work outside of home should be the woman's and hers alone. Well, I am officially changing my stance on it. All these months, when I have been contemplating quitting my job, only one thing has made me think 3, 4 and even 10 times about this decision. And that is the strain it would put on J. And on our finances. I think, being an equal partner in this marriage it is my obligation to contribute in whatever way I can. Just like J doesn't have the luxury to contemplate staying at home (at least right now), I don't either. I know it is true just for me and may not apply to anyone else, but this is what I feel is right for my marriage and my life. I still think a woman shouldn't be forced to stay at home just because she is a woman.

Recently, I read a "Dear Abby" letter from a man who said he was working three jobs to make ends meet but his wife refused to work and just wanted to stay at home. That letter brought on this "thinking spree" (and now my knees are hurtin'! :D). I feel in a situation like that one, a wife should get out there and work and help her husband out. My mom did that. When she got married at the age of 19, all she wanted to do was stay at home an take care of her home and family (she told me this many years back). But my dad was under a lot of debt that he had accumulated for his studies, wedding and his sisters' weddings. My mom took up a job to help him out and because they worked like a team all their lives, they are now financially secure. Good marriages are made of this kind of stuff, aren't they?

Well, enough incoherency for one day. I gotta hit the sack now. It is 2 effing AM!

Hello everyone,

Mom and Dad are waging a cold war. We just wanted to take the opportunity and broadcast this over the whole Internet because Mom would never do that herself :D Mom is sulking and Dad is fuming. Mom says Dad has been behaving like a 14 year old bully. Of course, Mom can call Dad any name because this is Mom's blog. She says if Dad wants to call her names, he can go get his own blog. We don't know annnnnything about this but it may have something to do with both of them being dead tired. Dad has been running around like crazy - he didn't even get to rest over the weekend. And Mom was nauseous and dizzy with exhaustion yesterday and Dad didn't notice. Hmmmm. Could that be the reason they are cranky?? Mom says her blog will return to regular programming once she has sorted this out (We say she will start blogging much before that. But then you never know because these two were never very good at waging cold wars. They give up too easily, if you ask us!)

OK - now we gotta run! Ciao!!

S and Baby M

Update: Mom and Dad sorted it out. (YAY!!!!) Told ya! They can NEVER continue a cold war for more than a few hours, or maybe half a day at the most. And the "half a day" part is true when one of them is stuck in a meeting and cannot call the other. So anyway, Mom called, left a message for Dad. Dad called back but Mom was busy so she forwarded the call to voicemail. Then Mom called Dad back and that is when they hashed it out :) All's well in the Kay-ville.

Typical conversation in Kays' house - 1

J comes into the living room with a long face.

Cee: Why are you so glum? What happened?
J: Nothing.
Cee: Come on! Did someone say something to you?
J: No. Nothing happened to me.
Cee: Tell me, did the computer say something to you? (He'd been working on the computer before this)
J (still with a long face): No, my wife said something to me.
Cee: What did she say?
J: Where do I begin? She is always saying something or the other :(
Cee: What kind of a wife is she? उसे उठा कर घर के बाहर फेंक दो! [Throw her out of the house]
J (with a longer face): कैसे फेंकू? उठेगी नही! [How can I? I can't pick her up]

[I know, I know - it loses the essence in translation :(]

The benefit of being together for 12 years is...

... that your partner knows which part of the argument has hurt your feelings. Apologies and explanations come faster. And you make up sooner than you would have otherwise.

The downside is that one knows EXACTLY what part of the argument will hurt the most :D

Is it my greed??

I was link hopping today while sipping on a cup of tea and this is where I landed. One article caught my eye because it is relevant to me. It struck a cord! Before going to the hospital for my C-section this year, I asked my husband at least a few times what I was going to get as an appreciation of what I have been (and am going to go) through. He said "The baby!". WRONG answer, buster! That's what I told him and he immediately corrected it to "whatever you want honey". So, off I went, got under the knife, had the baby, stayed in the hospital for 5 days, came back and got on with my life (well, kinda). I forgot about "the gift". Not for long, though. I soon remembered it and immediately felt bad that he had forgotten. Not one to keep my thoughts to myself, I immediately went up to him and accused him of not caring for me (poor man had been cooking, cleaning, driving our older one to and from activities, changing poopy diapers, taking care of the baby when I needed rest, mowing the lawn, doing grocery shopping and a MILLION other things, but that is beside the point, isn't it?) That's when he told me he had set aside $400 for me to buy whatever I wish. I immediately melted into a puddle of goop. I mean, this man is just ADORABLE, isn't he? (And he is MINE :D)

Now, he still has that $400 sitting aside waiting for me to decide what I want to do with it. I am not a girly girl, so no frilly stuff for me, thank you. I would love some diamonds, but I am very conscious of our budget and don't feel comfortable spending money on something frivolous even when I deserve to (oh yes, I do! There is no doubt about that). I wanted to spend it on a class (English literature at the local community college, painting, dance - something like that) but I don't think leaving him alone (or him and my parents) to take care of the baby while I attend a class that is not exactly essential right now would sit right with my conscience. I am now thinking of spending that money on a ballroom dance class for both of us. Which means it won't be in the near future because I don't believe in leaving the kids with a baby sitter just to go do these things. AND that we'll need a few more hundred dollars to pay for it. So, truthfully, I don't think I am going to be using that money for quite some time now. But that's OK. What matters the most to me is that J thought of me by putting that money aside.

Now, coming back to the article. It asks "Isn't a bundle of joy enough?" It says

In a more innocent age, new mothers generally considered their babies to be the greatest gift imaginable. Today, they are likely to want some sort of tangible bonus as well.

Don't get me wrong. I love both my daughters. There is no material thing in life that is worth more to me. Then why did I want J to gift me something as an appreciation for "giving" him the baby? I cannot explain that. There are a lot of emotions and memories intricately meshed together on this subject. This article forced me to think about them and try to clarify everything in my mind. I am trying to sort through the entire mess of emotions so please bear with me. Or you can stop reading the post now :D Probably, by the end of this post, I would still be rambling, unable to find the point to this incoherency.

The first thing that happens whenever I talk/think on this topic is that I go back in time to when S was born. A lot of my illusions were shattered then. One being that people cared for my well-being. Cared for ME. By people, I mean ILs. One example - while driving to the hospital before my delivery, my MIL kept reminding my FIL to drive carefully because I was in pain. While coming back from the hospital after my delivery, when the baby was secure in her arms and I was visibly wincing, tears running down my face (remember I had a C-section and the stitches were still raw) with every jump over every pothole that my FIL could find and drive over - NOT A SINGLE WORD! And all the while MIL was sitting right next to me in the back seat so she can't claim she didn't know I was miserable. That is ONE example. On the first day I came back. Everyday small and big things happened that made me realize that I was cherished only as long as I had the baby in my belly. Or, only BECAUSE I had her in my belly. Just a vessel. I was useless as soon as the baby came out. I said this to J too (see point above regarding me being unable to keep my thoughts to myself) and he said he felt that sometimes too. Imagine the hurt! To feel it is one thing. To have it validated by someone else is totally another. Thankfully, J was, and always has been a pillar of support and I know he never felt that way. That is all I care about. Now. Then it was too difficult to deal with. Anyhoo!

During one of these conversations, J told me that when I was wheeled in for the emergency C-section (we are still talking about S' birth), everyone was worried sick. Then as soon as the nurse brought the baby out, they went to look and coo at the baby forgetting that I was still in the OT and there was no news on how I was doing. Not until I was wheeled out after the operation did J breathe easy. He mentioned it to underline the fact that he too felt that I was important to ILs only until the baby came out safely. This goes into why I feel I deserve a "gift" when I deliver a baby. I didn't then. But after my first delivery, after going through this, and some other crap, I started craving for some sign that I was important too. That people still cared about me. It got so bad that I sometimes wanted to (and maybe did) compete with the baby in gaining J's attention. I am ashamed of that now - a mother competing with her own daughter? For something that the daughter obviously deserves and isn't even aware of? But such was my state of mind. In that house full of relatives, I felt utterly alone. It was a dark time for me and I have never spoken/written about it till now. Hopefully this post will get rid of those feelings once and for all. Puking does make you feel better, doesn't it?

So this time, I warned J that there better be a gift waiting for me once I come back from the hospital or else. But this time is totally different from that time. This time, J was with me in the OR. When the baby was pulled out and had been checked for all vital signs we got to hold her. I cried that we finally were where we had been trying so desperately to get - a family of FOUR! The anaesthesiologist noticed my tears and gently wiped them away with a tissue. That is when I forgave him for poking me in the back with that big, scary needle. Anyone who notices your silent tears and gently wipes them away cannot be that bad, isn't it? Then the nurse declared that she was going to take the baby to the nursery to be cleaned and fed (if M turned out to be hypoglycemic because I had had gestational diabetes - which thankfully she wasn't) She said the new dad can come with the baby if he wanted. J refused! He said he wanted to be by my side even though I pressured him to go (I couldn't bear the thought of our baby being alone with strangers :P) He stayed with me until the doctor stitched me back up and I was wheeled out into the recovery room. Then he went away very briefly to call our families in India and let them know the bundle of joy had arrived and to take a quick peek at the baby. Then he was right back by my side. ALL the time until I was able to wiggle my toes to demonstrate that I was recovering well and was wheeled to my room. Didn't I tell you he is a GEM?! And he is MINE!! :D

Updated to add: The nurse came to me when J was out calling our families and said I was lucky to have him as my husband. Why? He was the first "new dad" she had seen who hadn't run away to be with the baby and had stayed back to be with his wife instead. I still get tears in my eyes every time I remember that!

You see, this time it IS different. Even though I went through a lot more to have this baby. It was me who went through the hundreds of injections, rode the hormone induced roller coaster of emotions, went in for almost daily blood tests, went through the indignity of the hundreds of tests and internal ultra sound exams, carried the unmentioned moniker of "baanjh", ached to have a baby in my arms, tolerated people's comments on how "it was time for another", understood the unsaid "the 'problem' must be with YOU" words and much much more. This time I am more at peace. Strangely, now I don't want that gift either. Now, my bundle of joy IS enough.

Just for the record...

I offered J this space to vent about his in-laws if the need ever arises. He refused saying that he has a lot of capacity to "absorb" (I am sure he meant absorbing whatever in-laws do to drive you crazy!)

I think he just loves his in-laws very much. Don't you?

:D

How could I forget this???

In my last post I absolutely forgot the best part - how J proposed to me. I started writing the post because I wanted to share and record that and by the time I got to the end, it completely slipped my mind! Given my swiss chesse memory, its not surprising. A lot of post worthy ideas have been boiling in my mind but either I don't ge the time or by the time I sit down to blog, they vanish.

Lionel Richie's "Hello" is my favorite song. Why? Because....

In April'92 when J finally decided to propose again, this is what he did. He recorded an audio
cassette for me (we used to do that a lot - record audio cassettes for each other as gifts) and gave it to me with the explicit instruction of calling him once I'd listened to the first song. So I popped the cassette in the cassette player as soon as I got home and this is the song that played. "Hello". Even now, when I listen to this song, I get goose bumps. Especially when I get to the part "I can see it in your eyes... I can see it in your smile... You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide..."

I did call him as soon as the song finished. I don't remember what he asked or what my reply was but it must have been "yes" because its been over 15 years and we are still together. And still in love...

Updated: GGOP pointed out a huge mistake in my post - I was talking about the Lionel Richie song and put down the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's song. How embarassing is that? Especially when you have just proclaimed that song to be your favorite?! In my defense though - I am really messed up with sleep deprivation. Thanks GGOP!

Must have been the Fates*

Grail said "tell me your engagement story". Well this isn't exactly an engagement story, but this is what led to the engagement.

I always wanted to be a surgeon. A neuro-surgeon at that. And I was pretty serious about that. This was not just a childhood ambition, it was a much thought-out, family-supported, suits-my-temperament-and-talents kind of career choice. Then suddenly, in grade 12 just before finals, I changed my mind. Just like that. No questions, no explanations. Now I wanted to study Electronics/Computers. Go the MCA/MBA route to get a good degree and then a good job - fast. Luckily, my parents never forced their opinions or decisions on me. So even though they were convinced that I was making a mistake, they let me do this. And for this I am eternally grateful to them. I have seen way too many lives messed up because parents tried to live their lives through their kids by forcing their decision upon them. Anyway, I digress...

So, I made a choice and stuck to it. Opted for Mathematics, Electronics and Physics in B.Sc. Wasn't too motivated to study though - B.Sc. was just a necessary evil I had to put up with in order to do MCA or MBA, because both these courses required a bachelor's degree. I studied just enough to score a first division. Then, one day in Dec '89/Jan '90 something happened that would change the course of my life. We didn't get our regular English Newspaper (Times Of India) that day. Instead, the newspaper-wallah threw a copy of Hindustan Times on our porch. And thus started a twist in my fate which would otherwise not have happened.

A little before this, my mother had caught me skipping classes at college to go out with 3 of my friends one of whom was my boyfriend. We had recently had a tiff and were trying to sort that out - the other two friends acting as mediators (it was a big "tiff"). Mom didn't approve of me having a boyfriend, nor did she approve of this particular boyfriend. So, in the evening she had a lengthy discussion with me, during which I told her that I was sure of my choice and wouldn't budge. As I said earlier, my parents never forced their opinions or decisions on me. So Ma grudgingly accepted my decision on one condition - I wouldn't even think about marriage until I finished my studies and had a good job. This is exactly what I had in mind too, so I agreed.

As it happened, the day we received the copy of Hindustan Times, the newspaper ran an ad for a Master's program in Indore, run by Indore University. This was different from other MCA programs - this had both, computer and management subjects. The curriculum looked good. It was a Master's degree program and accredited by some government organization for technical courses. I looked at it and knew that I wanted to do this. There was only one problem - my dad would never let me go out of town, much less out of state, to study. He had always been overprotective of me. And it wasn't like my town had any dearth of good schools. It had reputed medical and engineering colleges. And an MBA program that people from all over the state, and even from other states came to attend. So I chucked the thought of going to Indore to do MCM (Master of Computer Management) out of my mind. Then one day my mom asked me if I had any plans for my future once I completed my Bachelor's. I was in the final year then. I mentioned the MCM program to her and said "Pa isn't going to let me go anyway". To my surprise she said she or my dad would never stop me from going anywhere if it were for further studies. So I applied for the program but never got an application form back from them. I assumed that either the admissions were closed or I had been disqualified. But my cousin, who lived in Indore, followed up with the university and they said I could still appear for the entrance exam because there has been some glitch in sending out the forms. This was barely 2 days before the exam. I took the exam without any preparations and, to my surprise, cleared it!! Then I was called for a group discussion which I cleared too and then for a personal interview. After so many hurdles, I finally got accepted into the program!

Classes started in July '90. On around tenth day, I saw a new face in the library. By then I had made myself comfortable in the department and was being my usual cheerful, loud self - even in the library! So when I saw this new, shy face outside the library, I invited him in saying "Consider this your own library. Come on in!!" Got a shy smile in return. A few days passed. I found out that the "new face" was in my class. His name was J. Gradually we started exchanging hellos. Then we became friends. Exchanged notes, sometimes did our labs together. By September of that year we had become very good friends. We studied together, exchanged notes, did our labs together, exchanged novels and poetry and even sat together in class.

One day, J came in with a long face. Upon much prodding, he blurted out that other students in our class were gossiping about us and that he was very disturbed about it. He said he didn't want my name to be maligned by these gossip mongers so it was best we stopped talking to each other. I was furious! I wasn't going to let a good friend go just because some people couldn't imagine in their petty minds that a boy and a girl could be "just friends"! And besides, I already had a boyfriend. I had already told J about my boyfriend back home. (He wasn't actually "back home". He was in another city, studying engineering) So, we continued our friendship. By the end of that year, we had added 4 others to our group and we were all inseparable - Roopali, Ashish, Nandita, Nikhil, myself and J. By Valentine's day next year, I had a feeling that J, MAYBE, liked me. But I knew he knew about my boyfriend so didn't think much of it.

On April 1st 1991, J handed me a card when I got to college. In it he professed his love for me in the most beautiful words. I was speechless and heartbroken. Because I understood his pain. To love someone and not be reciprocated is the saddest thing. Then J handed me another card - an April Fool's card! And J made fun of me saying he didn't love me. He only said it as an April Fool's joke. We both laughed and our friendship continued as before.

In September, my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend started getting rocky. I finally realized that he didn't respect me or my career choice (he actually made fun of it because I wasn't studying engineering or medicine and isn't that what you're supposed to study if you are really sincere about your career?) So, I broke it off with him. Before doing that I confided in J (we were best friends after all) who tried hard to dissuade me from making this decision. I didn't listen to him. That break-up and its fall-out is in itself material for another post. Life went on as usual.

After about 3-4 months, Ashish - another dear friend of mine, took me aside and asked me if I was aware of J's feelings for me. I said I was. He asked what was keeping me from reciprocating those feelings openly because he knew I cared for him too. I told him I didn't want to make another relationship-mistake so I wanted to take my own time before making a decision. He said he'd wait for it. Some more time went by. By March '92 I was sure I cared deeply for J too and he must have sensed it because on April 7, 1992 he proposed again. This time, I accepted.

*Fates: Fates Greek & Roman Mythology. The three goddesses, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, who control human destiny. Used with the.

Challenge...

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything better than you!
Husband: Really??
Me: Yes. Really!!
Husband: Well, then touch your toes!
Me: .........................

This, my friend, is what they call LOVE

I am falling in love!

I am falling in love with my husband!!

I am falling in love with my husband all over again!!!

Long time ago, I realized that "my best friend" loves me dearly - and that it is not platonic any more. Very recently, I realized I still love him as much - or maybe more - even after 10 years of being married.

I know staying married for 10 (or more) years is nothing outstanding. Many others have done it. For much longer. What fascinates me is how close we have become over the years. We were such great friends from the beginning, I always thought we couldn't be any closer. Well, I was wrong.

Now, you must be wondering why I am ranting over something as simple as our love for each other. Something happened. Something that made me realize what a lucky woman I am to have him as my life partner. He loves me like I want to be loved, he takes care of me like I need to be taken care of and he respects my career aspirations as they deserve to be respected (after years of waiting). Soon after our 10th wedding anniversary, I brought up the question that had been nagging at me - even though his company is in deep trouble, he isn't looking for a new job. Why? Know what he said? He said he wants to give me the opportunity to pursue my career dreams and since both of us cannot do it and take proper care of our daughter, he would stick where he is (even though he isn't very satisfied there) while I can take my shot at success. He said he'd give me a year to get a few certifications and to get a better job. I am overwhelmed! Because he is willing to put his career on hold for mine. THAT, methinks, is the best kind of love, understanding and respect there is!