Using my words

So I have had hundreds of ideas for a post but when I sit down to write, they all evaporate. I have been too busy to write them down somewhere to help my memory but I think it is more than just a memory issue. When I do get online, and I still remember what I wanted to write about, I still don't feel like doing it. There are a few reasons for that. I have realized that many of my earlier posts had kinda "holier than thou" elements to them. "I am awesome because I do things this way and you should too, then you will be awesome too". I have lost patience for those kind of posts - mine or from someone else. I don't feel like writing about my kids because, again, if I write about how awesome they are (they are, they are!) am I not just bragging about my parenting skills? My friends still love me - well the ones who keep in touch do. The ones who fell out of touch because they were counting how much I don't call them, never cared anyway. So what DO I write about? There are certain things that I feel about deeply, but then I have not mastered the art of baring my soul yet. It makes me feel too vulnerable. I feel like I have lost my words.

Well, one thing I CAN write about is - how much I have to be thankful for. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and, like we have been doing for the last 9 years, we have 4 friends and their families coming over for dinner. These friends love us enough to set aside an entire evening for us on a long weekend. Earlier this year J and I both lost our jobs within 2 months of each other. It was a stressful time. Before my notice period ended, an opening in the same company for the same position, but in a different business unit, came up. My soon-to-be-ex boss gave me high recommendation and I got the job. My commute increased from 24 miles a day to a whopping 160 miles a day! It helped that I loved my job and enjoyed it. Things have been hectic but I have gotten a satisfaction out of my job that not everyone does. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for friends who supported us during that tough time.

J & I have been married for 19 years this December (the 3rd, in case someone wants to wish us a happy anniversary :D). We have been through an inter-continental move, infertility, a failed pregnancy, 2 child-births, 2 depressions, 3 job losses, one recession, death of my father, and numerous other challenges. I have come to realize what kind of a support J is. He is my rock. He didn't leave me when even I would have left me if I had been in his place. I am thankful for him.

Our daughters are growing up into beautiful, confident, smart women. S will be off to college in a couple of years. Everyday she amazes me with her clarity of thought and maturity. I recently had the "sex and drugs" talk with her. Her response? "I have too much to lose if I can't get in college, so these things are not on my agenda" (I am paraphrasing but this is essentially what she said) She plays volleyball with a dedication that wants me to borrow from my retirement account to let her play on a travel team she got chosen to but cannot accept because we don't have the money. Last night, when I told her that we won't be able to do the travel team because of the expenses, she cried. She was heartbroken, and I was too. But absent were tantrums and accusations. Actually the absence of tantrums and accusations was what made it more heartbreaking. I am thankful for my precious daughter who is so mature and understanding but still has a resilient streak in her that makes me so proud of her. Keep your stubbornness honey. You'll need it. The world can be mean sometimes.

I am thankful for the ray of sunshine in our lives that we call M. It has been a blink of an eye and she is already 7. She loves to do what her didi likes to do. Plays violin and does Kumon with a dedication because, yes, didi does it too! She is an "excellent student but a bit chatty" in her teacher's words. Very helpful and kind. Last year, during a thunderstorm, she helped a scared friend by holding her through the storm and telling her not to be afraid. She is the only one in the family who keeps her room clean consistently :) She knows her mind and oh how she knows it! I love that in her. There is nothing you can make her do if she doesn't want to do it. Stay this way baby! And thank you for coming into our lives and enriching them beyond our imagination.

My mom! I am thankful for the fact that my mom spends her money and time to stay the summer with us every year. She is always a great help when she is here - I don't have to worry about meals and the house. I don't have to bear the guilt that my kids can't stay at home even during their summer break because I have to go to work. This year her help was extra appreciated with my long commute and increased traveling for work. I wouldn't have survived the summer without her and my aunt, who came to visit us with her. They both gave us all a memorable summer. I am thankful for both of them.

There are times when I get depressed thinking about things that are still not right for us. But then I remind myself about what I do have. I have so much to be thankful for! Here is my wish for you for the Holidays -

May the positives always outweigh the negatives in your life! Happy Holidays!

Grief MUST be followed by joy

Just when I was trying to get over my pain, my friend Dottie, who is more like a sister, was working hard at bringing my much awaited nephew into this world :)

Chip #2, Dot's Bun, Bund(o)t (since Dot loves to bake) is here. Welcome little one! You have brought much joy to a bunch of women who were on pins and needles while you were making you way to this world. We love you, we send our blessings to you and we hope to meet you some day while you are still a squishy little bundle smelling of baby powder and milk (at least I do!).

You came on the day when I was wallowing deep in self-pity, grieving my dad and trying my best to shake off the blues. Your dad, my "best fraand", (Hey BigGeek!!) called me to give me the news and, suddenly, everything started falling right back in place.

I didn't realize it then, but you are my harbinger of spring.

WELCOME LITTLE ONE!!

It probably is too late

but I'll write this anyway.

Happy Anniversary, dear hoosband. You and I have known each other for almost 20 years, loved each other for 19 and been married for 14. We have been through a lot together. Studies, boring lectures, interesting group discussions, tyrant uncles and aunts (well that one I went through alone but you were by my side holding me together), angry parents, controlling parents, financial troubles, secondary infertility, kids' health troubles... And we stood by each other through everything. I am sure we will weather anything life throws our way.

With you, life seems like a Foxtrot. Sometimes an easy pace, sometimes blurs by at a fast clip. But we keep pace with each other, swing together, never miss a beat. Of ocurse it took us a lot of hard work to find this rythm. But we couldn't have done it if you hadn't been willing. Now we are a team. I buckle, you lift me. You slow down, I fill in. Sometimes I don't even need to say what I am thinking because I already know you understand.

I often remember random incidents from the past and they bring a smile to my lips. Remember we rushed through the statistics paper (in 4th sem?) and then went to the "thadi" to have a "cut chai"? God, I HATED that chai. But I loved your company so I pretended to like it :) Remember the first time you bought me a rose? I do! Remember you gave that beggar kid an extra buck because he said "Bhagwan aapki jodi salamat rakhe"? And we weren't even dating then. It proves you had designs on me much before you let it on! :P Remember your first proposal? It broke my heart :( But I am SO GLAD that I made the right decision! I could never have found a better partner than you.

I think I can never say this enough - I love you. I love you like I have never loved anyone, ever. Happy (belated) anniversary dahlin'. Here's to many, MANY more. *clink*

A fleeting moment

...etched in her mind. 

They are walking back from the restaurant, after having had lunch together. She shivers. There is a cold breeze. She has her coat in her hands, but was too lazy to put it on. He chides her for not putting it on, then extends his arm around her shoulder and shields her as best as he can. Who'll say it is soon going to be 14 years?

A fleeting, tender moment.

This is for you, bro!

I am SO VERY proud of you!

The romance is not dead. Yet.

Not when he sneaks off to buy Valentine's day cards for the girls in his life. He only got caught because he bought the cards at a store he has never been to before, so the credit card company flagged the transaction and called in the evening to confirm it wasn't a fraudulent charge. As luck would have it, "she" took the call :)

Not when she slinks off to buy cards under the guise of getting candy for the older daughter to distribute among her classmates on V-day. And gets caught coming in the home with the bag of cards.

Not when they "hide" the bags in front of each other, secure in the knowledge that the other won't peek.

Not when they still enjoy these simple, silly little things in each other's company.

No romance, and more importantly LOVE, is not dead.

Yet. :P

It's been, what? 18 years? They celebrated V-day for the first time in 1991. When they were the best friends. Then came love. And roses. And cards. Then marriage. And kids. They haven't stopped. Don't plan on stopping.

Happy Valentine's day everyone!!

Who, me??

Itchy, Suki, Dottie and Sraikh have honored me with this award. I am speechless honestly, as I only write about mundane stuff (my kids, my life and sometimes my opinions) that I didn't think would interest anyone.

Itchy gave it to me along time back and then Suki and Dottie. And now very recently, Sraikh. The last one is so recent that Sraikh hasn't had a chance to even leave a comment on my blog to inform me :D (I came to know of it through Google link alert). I am extremely sorry ladies, for the delay in accepting it. It isn't that I don't appreciate this thoughtful gesture on your parts. I was busy preparing the acceptance speech but as it turns out, I forgot it once I got to the "stage" :P So, without further ado, I accept it most gratefully and (am supposed to) pass it on to seven others. Now it so happens that the very ladies who presented me this award are among the seven I would have chosen. So I was left with the task of finding four more.

Brilliant Weblog is a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design. The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogsphere.

First, here are the rules:

1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back

2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’

4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

5. And then we pass it on!

Now for the seven bloggers who, I think, deserve this award (though I do think I am not brilliant enough to award them):

1. Anurag from DogJournals. He writes brilliantly. He was the person who goaded me into starting my own blog. Encouraged me with his comments on the most boring of my posts. And now has all but disappeared from the blogging world because he is very busy in real life. He has always been brilliant. Always. Was my first best buddy, and still is. The only person, apart from J, I go to when I am extremely depressed. My brilliant little brother.

2. Priya from PriyainSuburbia. Writes brilliantly. Presents her thoughts so coherently that I can never even dream of doing.

3. Roop from RoopScoop. Another brilliant writer and a gem of a person. Her passion for helping the disadvantaged I admire. And her strength amazes me.

4. Rohini from Mamasaysso. A career woman and a hot mama. Someone I hope to learn a lot from. Her poise in expressing her opinion, the clarity of thoughts and the fine balance between career and family life she maintains - I envy he for all that.

5. Lumi from Lumismusings. I have learnt a lot from her, and have a lot to learn still. She gives me clarity of thought when I am confused and provides sound and sane advice when I need it the most.

6. Grail from Just some Grail. She knows how to laugh - at herself AND the world - even when the tides are against her. Her boys are her life and she is the kind of mom I hope I'll become even if for just one day of my life. She inspires me with her optimism.

7. Kiran from Karmickids. She is the kind of mom I hope of becoming. Dedicated, determined and completely devoted to her son. She is the kind of woman I wish I could be - stylish, grounded, well-read, with a great sense of humor.

The best Mother's day, yet feeling a little unloved

This Mother's day was special - my first one with Baby M. And the first one when S remembered it on her own and prepared a card for me ALL BY HERSELF.

Got a lovely rose from M's daycare.

And a card that had her picture in the middle and hand prints on each side. And a beautiful finger-painted card from S. She had painted a bunch of purple grapes with her fingers and written "Love you a bunch" inside. (Don't have a picture to post). And she gifted me a few of her prized possessions - some beautiful colorful stones. These things made this day THE BEST for me.





Something else made me a little sad.





Nothing - NOTHING - from J. Not a card. Not a bunch of roses. He did remember to wish me a happy Mother's day right before he called his mom, and I say GOOD FOR HIM! If he can't remember the mother of is own children, then he deserves the whack on his head that he would have gotten if he'd forgotten. But not receiving a card from him hurt me more than I thought it would. Even though I got the most beautiful cards from the girls, and they are the ones who matter on this day, it did pinch a little that J didn't care enough to get me a card. On Mother's day, we went to a friend's place to celebrate his birthday, and on our way there we stopped at a store to buy a bouquet for him. Even then it didn't occur to J that he should at least get me some flowers too. I went in to buy the flowers and it sure was infuriating to buy those flowers when I knew J didn't remember to buy me anything.





Maybe I am making a huge deal out of nothing. He is a good father and a very good husband. But all through our marriage, there have been such occasions. On my first birthday after we got married, he said he didn't "feel like buying me roses or more than one card" when I asked him if he was getting me any. This from the man who would get me roses for no reason at all when we were dating.





Lately it has been "I didn't get the time". I don't buy that. If I can find the time to buy him a Father's day gift in advance ONE DAY before going to the hospital for my scheduled C-section, if I can drive in snow to buy him a Valentine's day card and gift, if I can take time out from a busy schedule to get him a birthday card and a gift - so can he. He just needs to plan it better. I have been trying to make him understand - and have failed. Even when we were living in Indore with his parents and I was completely dependent on him for shopping (wasn't allowed to go out alone - don't ask), I managed to get him a surprise bouquet of roses every damn year with a friend's help. Heck, I even managed to gift him a surprise bouquet when we came here even though I didn't drive at that time and there were no flower shops within a walking distance.





I know I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He loves me more than anyone else in the world and that should be enough for me. I am not even mad about the damn roses or the gifts. In fact I asked him not to get me anything for my birthday this year because I want to buy a laptop next year. I am mad about the excuses. I am mad about how he makes it sound like he did remember but he is soooo busy that he couldn't step out to buy a card. It would be fine if he just accepted that he forgot/couldn't buy and said "sorry". That wouldn't be too hard now, would it? I would understand and maybe even laugh it off. But to say "You know how busy I am. How could I go?" insults me. You listening J?





Anyhoo. So, we fought over it and made up (Well, kinda. If we had truly made up, I wouldn't be writing this post, would I?). I decided that J WILL buy me flowers, whether he wanted to or not. So, on my next trip to the grocery store, I bought these for myself - from J.

And I coolly informed him that he is going to buy me flowers like this every 2 weeks. For ever. :)

For some reason, these flowers stank so bad that we spent a good half hour looking for a stinky diaper under the sofas and behind doors until it struck me that I had smelled that smell while I was grocery shopping too! Sure enough - we got a generous whiff of the "stinky diaper" smell when we performed a nasal investigation on the flowers!

It is time for me to go grocery shopping again. Will post a picture of the new flowers soon!

Belated Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

Dear J,

You are the pillar of support I lean on whenever I feel weak. You are the shoulder I seek when I need to cry. I look for you when I need a laugh and I come rushing home when I have a funny story to share. You are the ONLY person I trust completely to look out for me and the only person on this earth I have any expectations from - because I KNOW you will come through!

It's been, what? 17.5 years now, since we have known each other? And 16 years since you gave me this song on a tape and said "Call me after you have listened to this". Even after 16 years this song makes my heart jump and melt and overflow with emotions with the same intensity it did the first time. Your smile still makes me go weak in the knees. My ears still strain to hear your laughter. My heart still aches whenever we have to separate even for 2 days (I'll miss you baby, this next week). I still remember how you took Lalit's (?) help in creating that card you gave to me (remember the card?). I had to leave that, and everything else that I cherished, behind when I came here with you. But having you is all I care about.

S wonders out loud at least once every week why you and I fight so much :) I don't know about you, but I don't mind these fights at all. I feel so comfortable with you that everything, even fighting and the making up afterwards, seems natural. I know you are the best dad these girls could have. And you are the best husband I could have ever hoped to find. But above all, you are my BEST FRIEND even after all these years.

Happy Birthday, Dahlin'.

And today, it is my turn to say "Call me after you have listened to this"!

Update: I told J to go to my blog and see this post. He did. He listened to the whole song with a smile. Then he asked me to get his cell phone - I thought he was calling a friend we had been talking about. A few moments later, my cell phone rang. It was J. He simply said "I heard the song and I love you too" and hung up. Right in front of my eyes! :D

What did I do to deserve THIS?

The weekend was tough. I was sick - cough, cold, fever. The whole enchilada. For the first time in my life I wished we could ask someone to come over and take care of the baby so both J and I could rest a little. But J soldiered on, let me rest through the fever and by Sunday evening I was back on my feet. Even managed to clean the first level of the house! Dusting, sweeping of the floors - everything!! There is something about Monday morning deadlines that forces a person to shape up :D

Tuesday morning couldn't have gotten any more crappier for me. M had a appointment with her pediatrician for the 9 month checkup and she was supposed to get her shots. J was supposed to take her but at the last minute an emergency arose for him at work. I had an urgent meeting but his emergency trumped my urgency so I had to take M to the doctor's. Wasn't a big deal though - just had to email my boss that I'll be in late. That is the thing about such situations - you feel more guilty when everybody understands the situation you are in and doesn't say anything. Anyway. What do we learn when we get to the doctor's? That despite being on her THIRD round of antibiotics (Amox, Augmentin, now Vantin - I didn't know there WERE so many antibiotics :P) for SIX days, M still has an infection in her right ear. So now we are going to see an ENT specialist and see what he says.

But this is SO not the point of this post. When I got to my office, I popped in my boss' office and said "Sorry for the short notice" and what does he say? "No problem. Don't worry about it".

Then I bumped into Tharini from Winkiesway on Googletalk. Her reassuring words were like a soothing balm. She offered to send some Saibaba bhabhooti for M. Now I don't believe in all this, but I sure recognize love and caring and kindness when I see it. I really appreciated that offer and accepted it. Told Tharini my true feelings and said I'd try it for her sake and she accepted. I am hoping her faith will tide me through these difficult times.

Next, I see Broom on Googletalk and her status reads "sick". So I pinged her and eventually (pretty quickly, actually) the talk turned to my kids and their health. She offered a shoulder for me to cry/whine on and said she would have babysat for my kids if she were here. She even promised that she would sincerely pretend to "listen" to all my woes so I can IM her to my heart's content :D Now what else can you ask for, huh?

Then I went to our HR director and asked her if there was a way for me to get unpaid time off if I need to (my company doesn't do unpaid time off as a policy) and she told me that even though there isn't a policy, they do evaluate such cases on individual basis and all I have to do is submit a request saying I would like to take unpaid time off for all doctors' visits for the next x number of months. I asked her if, after doing this, I wanted to take paid time off at the end of the year (we are planning a trip to India) would it be frowned upon? She said no.

Then I went back to my boss and told him about my conversation with the HR director and he supported me thoroughly. He even suggested that maybe I should take some time off and keep M at home to help her get better fast. This, despite a BIG project looming ahead.

Later during the day another friend chided me for not telling her about our ordeal because she would definitely have helped (even though she was sick too).

Coming back to my question - what did I do to deserve such kind and compassionate friends and colleagues? It really warms my heart to see that there are so many people who care for us. THANK YOU ALL!!

This one is for my not-so-little-anymore brother

It is his birthday today. And I have been missing him, and the growing-up-together we did, very poignantly lately. He used to be my best bud. Still is. Only now he shares that title with my husband. But he is one of the ONLY TWO people I can tell everything to. He is non-judgmental, mature (more than MY 37 year old self) and the kindest, gentlest person I have ever known. Oh, and did I forget sooper intelligent? Yes! He is an aeronautical engineer, did his B.Tech from IIT Mumbai, topped his department and won the President's Silver Medal for that. I was actually pissed that he didn't get the gold medal. At the President. My brother absolutely deserved it. TOI ran an article on him when he graduated because he was one of those few graduates who wanted to stay back in India and do something for his country. He plays tennis and runs in Mumbai half marathon. This, despite having a serious back problem. He injured his back during the last semester in college and didn't pay attention to it because he was busy with studies. He was bed-ridden for over two months and has consulted many doctors. He still plays and treks and runs. Seriously, I do not know anyone braver and tougher than he is. In short, he is everything I am not.

Once, when we were still in college, an acquaintence mentioned how I must be jealous of him because he had just gotten into IIT. I couldn't understand that. I was, and still am, proud of him. Jealousy doesn't figure in our relationship. We don't do sibling rivalry either.

There are so many memories that came flooding back with this post. But I am not going to write all of those. They are for me and him to cherish personally. I just wish we could get together for a week and chat endlessly about everything under the sun - just like old days when I used to take a few days off from work whenever he was in town, so we could stay up late at night and chat. Or maybe I will write a post about those memories - just to record those golden days. For now, little brother, just know that I love you and miss you. And I wish you ALL that you ever wanted - on this birthday and forever.

Happy Birthday Tharini!!

Dear Tharini,

Wish you a very happy (belated) birthday and a peaceful life ahead. May all your dreams come true and may you find happiness in every nook and corner of your life.

I am sorry I didn't embed a clue in my greeting for you to figure out my identity. Didn't do that intentionally - just plum forgot!

Forgetfully yours,

Cee Kay
a.k.a. GettingThereNow

They say I'm a Schmoozah!!

Suki and AA's Mom, that's who!

Enough has been written about what the word "schmoozer" means and how this award might apply to the blogs that have received it. At the risk of sounding preachy, I'll say this (heard it at the latest PTO council meeting) - "Define your own success". What I mean to say is - do not go by what the word means, because the word does conjure up a picture of a smooth talking, a** kissing slicker in one's mind. Instead, look at two things - the intentions of the person passing it on to you and your own interpretation of it. I personally never thought I could "network", unless, of course you are talking about networking computers, servers, switches and such - which is what I do for a living. But Suki and AA's Mom think otherwise. I am flattered! I am flattered that they thought enough of plain ol' me to include me on their list. And I interpret the word "schmoozer" to mean "I am easy to talk to" :) Yeah, thats right! So I AM a schmoozer, a'ight!

So, a BIG "Thank you" again ladies! Your kind words about me are much appreciated. And forgive me, but I am shamelessly going to copy-paste your comments about me here :D

Suki said: "her comments reflect her blogging personality (she meant "Getting There Now") perfectly. Often long, well thought out, sensitive and having a thesis of their own. Makes me want to add them to the post body sometimes! :)"

AA's Mom said: "for her parenting style seems similar to my Mom's and aim to be such a parent."

Almost everyone, and there are so many who deserve this, has already received this award. I'd like to pass on this award to a few who come readily to my mind, for the resons stated.

Sandeepa, IndoSunGod, Asha: For their efforts in setting up "Desi Momz Club" where all desi moms "network".

Asha (AGAIN): She is always there with encouraging words and her experiences to guide us. Most of the time, she is the first one to comment on new posts on Desi Momz Club.

DesiMomzClub: It does take a lot of effort to stay an active part of any group (I should know - I am a slacker!). All the members of this group pitch in to make this club a lively and interesting space.

There are so many others who are real big schmoozers (meant it in the most affectionate way people :D) in the blog world. This award is for all of them.

What a way to cheer up!

Over the weekend, somethings really dragged me down and I wasn't "feeling the love"! Then I ventured over to Rohini's blog while blog-surfing on Monday and what do I see??? She has awarded me the Rockin' Girl Blogger Award!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to thank her first for - for pulling me out of the dumps, for saying that I rock or for perpetuating the myth that I am still a girl? :D

And now I pass it on to -

Lumi: Even during times when she had a lot going on in her life, I never caught even a hint of the "why me?" bitterness.

Broom: The strength she has shown in the past months in recovering from a divorce amazes me.

Dotmom: Her husband had a heart attack recently but when I read her post recounting the event(s), I couldn't help but marvel at her strangth and composure.

Suki: I just started reading her blog and I like the conviction with which she writes.

Megha: I have been a long-time admirer of her sarcastic wit. I wish for my daughters to grow up to have the same wit and the strength to take on all and any trolls that they may come across in their lives.

Thanks Rohini! And I swing this one right back at ya! You rock, girl!!

Finally!!

Finally it happened! Something that I had been praying for and wondering if it would ever happen. This morning, when I went to say "bye" to Baby M (she was in her nani's arms), she stretched out her arms to come to me!! I thought she'd never do that. On occasions I have even felt a little bit of envy for my mom because anytime M sees her, she gets all excited and tries to go to her. I understand why she does that - my mom is her main caregiver these days. And I truly don't mind that at all (that M does this). To me, it means my mom is taking really good care of her. But when M showed no interest in coming to me a few days ago, it touched a raw nerve somewhere! All the things that my MIL once said to me about how S (who was a baby then) would have gotten excited and eager to come into my arms "if only I were nursing her" came to my mind. That is a mean thing to say to a new mom. And you can only imagine how mean when the said mom hears it over and over in her mind when she has another baby EIGHT f**king years later. Yes, I am still having lactation problems. BIG TIME. But I am trying my damndest to get every last drop of milk that I can squeeze out of me into the baby. Anyway, rant aside, that small moment really made my day! My baby recognizes me!! Its another matter that she still doesn't smile at me much :( She does smile readily at my dad when he (tries to) whistle in front of her. The first time he tried to do that, only a whoosh of air came out! Yes, my dad is one of those people who can't whistle :D So, yesterday when he tried again and was successful, we joked that M was smiling because he finally succeeded. LOL!

Sibling revelry

When I was pregnant, S was very worried about the effect a new baby was going to have on her status in the family. She worried that we will get so busy with the baby that we won't pay any attention to her. She is a kid who internalizes all her worries so I am gald she spoke about them this time. I tried to answer all her fears but I also knew no matter how many times I answer her questions, she will only accept my answers once she sees me practising them when the baby arrives. I told her as much.

Her biggest fear was that the baby will be very mischievous and will blame her (S) for every mischief and as a result S will get punished by us. For that I told her two things. One - parents have a special sensor for when their kids are lying. So, if the baby tries this, he or she won't get away with it because we will immediately sense (s)he was lying. And that we would like to hear both sides of the story (Baby's and S') before deciding who was at fault (I don't believe in telling the older child to suck it up just because the younger one is small. Young or old, everyone faces the consequences of their actions in Kay household) Two - Haven't we taught S enough not to blame others for her mistakes and to take responsibility for her actions? (And she does that, believe me) What makes her think that we won't teach the younger one same things? She seemed to understand the answers.

Second thing she was worried about was the Baby becoming an instant favorite for us. To this I replied "Parents are not allowed to play favorites with their kids. It is a parent's duty to love all their children equally". This seemed a little hard to digest for her because, unfortunately, she has seen some parents play favorites. After hours and days of trying to convince her, I decided she was going to have to wait to see me practise it. I really do believe this. I know many parents don't. A friend categorically told me it is impossible for parents to love all kids equally. I think it might be hard to love all your kids equally for whatever reasons, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't. I have experienced, first hand, the hurt of favoritsm played by parents (IL's for J and his brother - matter for another post that shall remain unwritten) and I promised myself long ago that I won't put my kids throught that. Ever.

And we went over these two concerns of hers over and over and over. All through the remaining months of my pregnancy (we told her when I completed first trimester). Then I thought I saw a little bit of sibling rivalry building up. S would comment "Don't get this for the baby" if we bought her something small like a book. One day she said since the baby will be an American citizen (which S is not), we shouldn't apply for Indian citizenship for her because she (S) wanted that to be her special "thing". This completely infuriated me even though I knew it was just an 8 year old expressing her concerns in the only way she knew how. So I told S "You have to make up your mind right now and tell me if you even want this baby, otherwise I am going to give her up for adoption. I don't want her to come into a family where she isn't wanted. If she is going to have to face this every day of her life, she is better off growing up where she is wanted and loved". Harsh, I know. But surprisingly that did the trick. That made S realize that this type of behavior will not be tolerated and hopefully handling sibling rivalry will now be a little bit easier since she knows I will not take this nonsense at all. (Keeping my fingers crossed).

Then Baby M arrived. And all our fears, AND S' dissipated. We knew that she loved the baby very much and she saw that her position in the family was still the same - that of a much loved child. Baby M was loved too, but our love for her didn't affect our love for S in any way (of course!). So, my guess about things going back to normal after the baby's arrival was correct. S loves her to bits and is a BIG helper.

For now, it seems like we are just going to sail through all the sibling rivalry issues. But I know once M starts talking and crawling, she will start getting into S' stuff and then new issues might arise. I have already spoke a little about it with her telling her that she has to keep her stuff out of M's reach because we wouldn't be able to say "no" to her for every single thing she grabs. And that all small toys that M can easily put in her mouth have to be out of her reach otherwise they will be thrown out promptly. I know I am the parent from hell :P

S is so enamoured with M right now that sometimes it is on the verge of funny. Like the time when she "invited" her friend, who had come over for a playdate, to come watch mommy change the baby's diaper. My heart melts at how she proudly shows off her new sister. And how, at every tiny little whimper from M, she comes running to us and asks "Do you need any help?" or "Do you want me to sing to/hold her?" All my fears and concerns over the age difference between my two daughters have dissipated because I see S is going to fawn over M and hopefully M will bask in that attention.

A memorable day - in more than one ways

This is what J gave me for my birthday - a gift card to this place. A spa, a spa, A SPA!! I am psyched! And have already decided what I'm getting done. A pedicure and a manicure!! I was always very particular about the state of my feet. I couldn't stand it if my feet got dirty even if it was "just dust". Lately, due to various responsibilities and our hectic schedule, I've become lax and don't take care of my feet as much as I would like to. Now is the chance! And once I have tried the place out (and the service) I might go back for an all-out facial. Really could do with five years off my face and some relaxation.

I need to get an appointment 2 weeks in advance though and picking up the phone for any reason is far from my thoughts right now. I find it highly bothersome to answer the phone on some days because I am too lazy!

Anyway, getting back to "the day". J gave me the first card and the gift at 12 am. S gave me a card the first thing in morning before she got ready and left for camp. Phone calls started coming in from 7:30 am. No. Actually, phone calls started coming in from the previous day. One of J's friends called at 11:30 pm the night before.

The day itself was mostly spent catering to a cranky Baby M. She got her first shots the day before and the second day was the most uncomfortable for her. At one point I got very irritated at her crankiness but then I remembered how I had given up all hopes of ever having a baby to hold and to cuddle. That changed my perspective and my day turned into the best birthday I ever had. Because on this birthday I had what I desired for the most in the last 5 years. By evening though, her crankiness had started rubbing off on me. Even though it was a week-night and S had camp the next day, we decided to go out for dinner.

This was Baby M's first night out for dinner. And she behaved gloriously! Never once did she cry or fuss or make a scene in general that we were so afraid she'd do. Specially because she was hopping mad when we put her in the car seat and took forever to calm down. She did wake up as soon as appetizers were served (those darned sensors of hers that warn her whenever mommy is about to eat/sleep/pee/pump/talk/relax!) I gave her the bottle and she went back to sleep peacefully and we had our dinner in peace after that. S was so tired that she could hardly finish her dinner (chicken tikka masala that she LOVES) and almost went to sleep on the table. But she hasn't been a fussy child anyway. We came back home by 10:30 or 11 (I don't remember), put both kids in bed, finished off our tasks (sterilizing bottles, carrying up all M's stuff that we would need during the night, putting away the doggie bags that we brought home) as fast as we could and were in bed before midnight and believe me you, it is a herculean task these days. No matter how hard I work during the day, or how beautifully I manage my rouitne throughout the day, or how much J helps out, I can never get in bed before 12:30 or even 1 (on good days).

S got a "coupon book for mommies" for my birthday and now gives me a coupon every now and then :) The last one promised I could take a day off and the one before that promised help with grocery shopping and putting away of all the stuff when we get home. Oh, and ALL the cards she got me were signed "From S and M". I have no tension about sibling rivalry at least for now.

We did forget one "tradition" of ours because we were so darned tired that day. On every special occasion (birthdays, anniversaries) we get Tiramisu from the local Shoprite store. They have the BEST Tiramisu we ever tasted. This time we plum forgot. But we remembered it later so J got it on Monday. And I never got roses this time :( But I didn't create a scene (Good girl!!) because I know how tired J gets and that he remembered to get me the gift shows how much he still thinks about me. Next year he is not getting off easy :D

This too shall (unfortunately) pass

For a kid living in the US, and one that mostly converses in english, S is pretty good at hindi too. Her hindi, though a little grammatically wrong and severely limited in vocabulary, is strong enough that she can hold a conversation in hindi interspersed with english words and wrong usage of grammar. I love that! These are the moments that remind me that my S is still a little girl. I cherish this broken hindi!

The other day I was taking S to the swim practice. She was in the back with Baby M and observing her quite intently. Baby M, it seems, was making funny faces (probably trying to push that "ball" of gas out :P) so S says "Aap ganda muh bana rahe ho - mamma se aapko BIG FAT daant milegi" (you are making "bad" face. You will get a big fat scolding from mommy). Then she says to me "Isko BIG FAT daant dena" (give her a BIG FAT scolding)!

My mom still remembers the time when S innocently asked her over the phone "आपके पास रात है? हम के पास दिन है" (She meant "Is it night at your end? Here it is day")

And she routinely gets confused between "Apan" (अपन) and "Hum" (हम). Today she was telling me "अपन कल बीच (beach) जायेंगे " when she actually meant " हम कल बीच जायेंगे ". I love this and am so sad that it is only here for a little while more. My little girl will grow up pretty soon.

Nothing is more irritating than...

... an 8 year old standing in front of the microwave, counting minutes (on its display) go by, while she is waiting for her friend to come over for a play-date :D

Bad, bad, BAD mommy!

Let the nurse poke poor little baby with a needle THREE times! Then pressed cold ice against the poor little baby's boo boo. Also let the doctor interrupt poor little baby's feeding session to poke and press and prod and pull. BAD MOMMY!