Weight-y matters

Note: I have cross-posted this at Stage Of Life, where I have recently started contributing as a featured writer.


I think there are very few people who are satisfied with their weight. Some want to lose weight while a few others need to gain some. I have seen a lot of articles on the importance of not talking about your weight in front of your kids. The latest was this one. With all due respect to the First Lady, and other parents who think along similar lines, I beg to differ. I'll explain why. 


My first instinct was to write how not talking to kids about weight is wrong. That we shouldn't just sweep all matters regarding weight under the carpet. Instead we should talk about weight, the healthy range of it and healthy habits to maintain it in the healthy range. Then I realized that I was looking at this issue from the other extreme end, similar to these parents. One extreme is not to talk to the kids about weight at all. The other is to overload them with talks about weight and its management.  I then attempted to understand where both opinions originate from.


I have seen and heard about parents who constantly monitor what their kids are eating and how much. One acquaintance often reminds her son, who is just 6 or 7 years old and is at a healthy weight, not to eat too much. Keeps pointing to kids who don't eat too much and telling him to "learn something from them". This kind of behavior is a sure way to eating disorders, or at least to shoddy eating habits once the kid is old enough to move away from the parent's control zone.


On the other end, I know parents who don't try, at all, to cultivate healthy eating habits in their kids. Some might make token efforts to stop their kids from eating unlimited junk food but there is no real, sincere effort to educate the kids about the impact of being overweight on their health or the importance of eating a healthy, balanced diet.


It is okay not to talk to your kids about losing weight if you are at a healthy weight or just slightly over weight. When people can see that you are, at the most, only a few pounds overweight, or in the normal weight range for your height, any whining/ cribbing/ conversation about you wanting to lose weight can only come across as vanity. Forgive me if I sound harsh, but it IS the truth. When I was at a healthy weight, or even slightly overweight and wanted to lose a few pounds, I did not whine or crib about it. I kept at my exercise and sensible eating habits and flaunted any lost weight or inches with new, pretty clothes. But I did not sigh about the 5 pounds I needed to lose or the flabby arms that I needed to tone. I did not obsessively watch every calorie I ate and did not switch over to "I cannot believe it's not butter" from real butter. When my older daughter's pediatrician told us that she ran a higher risk of being an obese adolescent because her weight, at the age of two, was above the 97th percentile on the growth charts, I did not immediately cut off all fats and sugars from her diet. Instead, I started offering her a few healthier options in addition to the junk that all kids are fond of eating - a cookie followed by a tomato, a cucumber along with a small serving of potato chips. I also cut back on her TV time slowly. I did not want her to lose any weight. I just wanted her to develop healthier eating habits and a taste for the healthy foods which, I was sure, would go a long way in helping her stay in a healthy weight range and develop healthy habits for life. I was proven right. She still loves all the junk food in the world, and eats it. But she knows the importance of balancing a junk snack with healthy meals and other healthy snacks through the day. I have dinned into her that moderation is the key. And she understands the importance of physical activity in maintaining a balanced life-style. 


Until three years ago, I never talked to her about my desire to lose weight. I focused and placed emphasis on healthy eating and exercise. Then I underwent four IUI's and two IVF's. The hormones I injected into myself during the IVF cycles made me gain 25 pounds in 2 months. Then pregnancy piled on another 25. This, when I was already slightly overweight. As a result, I am now firmly plonked in the "obese" category, despite having lost almost all the pregnancy weight. The IVF pounds, as I like to call them, love me very much. They don't want to leave me. They cling to me and make me a soft, cuddly, lovable (I wish!) person. 


In late 2008 I was diagnosed with hypertension and have been on blood pressure medication since then. I had Gestational Diabetes during my pregnancy and am afraid that if I don't lose the weight, I will be saddled with Type 2 diabetes in just a matter of a few years. I carry a higher risk of stroke, heart disease, cancer and diabetes, among other things, because of my family history and weight. That is why I am trying to lose weight. I watch what I eat (maybe not enough). And I skip family dinners to go to the gym. When my daughter asks me why I don't eat dinner with the rest of the family any more, I tell her "because reaching a healthy weight is a higher priority for me and our family at this moment" and also tell her why this extra weight is not good for me. I list the risks I run by staying at this weight.


What I don't do is that I don't moan about my dress sizes or how I feel I look fat and ugly in anything I wear (yes, I have those days!) I don't starve myself to a thin body. And I definitely do not deprive myself of the foods I love to eat. (I am constantly struggling with portion sizes and getting better at it) Instead, I show her (by example) that I choose to eat a plate of salad before I go for that small piece of cake. And drag my ass to the gym even on days when I would rather lie down and die in the driveway.


I don't think sweeping our weight/health issues under the carpet does our kids any good. Even if we ARE at a healthy weight, how will not talking AT ALL about weight help our kids understand how to stay healthy? How will they know how to manage their weight and health and to avoid the pitfalls of unhealthy habits once they are on their own and not under our watch? Instead, I say, we should focus on talking about weight and health in a way that teaches them how to maintain their health by following an exercise program and a healthy diet. We should teach them the importance of staying healthy.


We all know that talking to our kids about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and contraception (in an age appropriate manner) will help them keep safe when they do become sexually active. Then why do we avoid talking to them about something that is much easier and less embarrassing to talk about and equally important? I do understand why some people believe we should not talk to our kids about weight at all. It is because if we stress on the wrong points, like dress sizes, then that is all they will associate it with.  If we don't talk about the health aspect of maintaining a healthy weight, then all they will equate it with is losing weight to look great . And if we don't tell them that the best way to lose/maintain a healthy weight is by a balanced diet and exercise, they will fall in the traps of senseless diets or eating disorders. But not talking about it is NOT the solution. The solution is to talk to them about why it is important to stay healthy and, sometimes, that might include talking about making efforts to reach a healthier weight.

What's a few barbs between friends, right?

OK, now I feel like a top order meanie for ranting about my friend's comment regarding my weight :(

I received a reply from her today -

Oops! Look like maine Cee ma’m ka dil dukha diya! Since I saw your picture after M and u were looking terrific the way u used to look in college, I forgot about impact of IVFs,etc. But you are right. Hairs could be a big reason. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve succeeded to reduce my 4 month pregnant tummy to 2 months. I’m working on it to bring it back to size before I had kids but itne samay me jo boya hai usko katne me mahanat+time dono lagta hai. Response is very slow par I’ll keep trying. Umeed par hi to duniya tiki hai!!!!(Wah.Wah!!). My god this juggling is painful. Looks like entire life will go like this. Chalo have some energy and do your best.

This is what I wrote in reply -

Ah! Frankly? I did feel a little bad that you assumed I am doing nothing about my weight. And yes, the IVF was a real bi**h. Went through a whole lot to get this bundle of joy :P I am scared sh**less of needles. And I had to poke myself FOUR times each day for two-three weeks for each IVF cycle. The first time I did it, I broke down and cried - I was so scared :( I developed all sorts of health problems due to the medication too - PUPP, high blood pressure, depression etc. due to all the progesterone and estrogen etc. I am glad the second cycle was successful because I had made the decision to stop the treatment if the second cycle failed.

I have joined a fitness boot camp that has classes three days a week from 5:30 - 6:30 am. And I have replaced one meal with a HUGE salad :P Since I hate salads (for meals, not as side dishes) with all my might, that is something I am immensely proud of :)

I am at a point where I am not happy with my weight but not ashamed of it either. I don't suck in my belly before walking into a room full of people. It is what it is and I know I am working on it. J is a sweetheart and a huge help. He encourages without pressurizing - and that is what works for me. If he had pressurized me, one of us would be dead :D

I am growing my hair so I can donate it to an organization that makes wigs for kids who lose their hair to different medical conditions. For that I need to grow it to about 14 inches. It is about 6 inches long right now. So I have quite a bit of torture in store for me. If you remember, I hate long hair (on me). This idea came because S had lost almost all her hair to Alopecia Areata, but regained it luckily with homeopathy treatment. This is my way of saying thanks for the regained hair.

I am sorry for the "what's your excuse" barb. I know we have such a big struggle ahead of us - all the juggling between work and home and husbands and kids and then we are supposed to keep ourselves healthy too? Can't that come as a reward or something for doing so much?

So that is where we stand now. She is a college time friend and a really good one at that. Maybe I should have shown more understanding and patience? I am confused - I do think I am entitled to these frustrated feelings and I am also a bit ashamed for the knee-jerk reaction. OK - maybe I will find something else to jerk my knee about :) I read this article at Babble.....

Facing my demons

I recently started haunting visiting this site after reading a few articles linked by other bloggers. I liked what I read so I visit this site more often now. Today I read this and it just called out to me. I felt this urge to blog about it and that is strange because it is the most difficult topic for me to discuss at the moment.

I have mentioned my struggles with my weight a few times here. I can no longer take jokes about my weight lightly and get upset at J if he cracks jokes about it. Earlier, when I didn't have a "real" weight problem, it didn't bother me if someone made fun of how "the earth shook when I walked" or how "all oranges in Nagpur fell down from the trees because I jumped down from the train on to the platform in Indore". Yes, now I realize that these jokes were in bad taste even then, but they didn't bother me this much back then. Because I knew they were jokes, not facts.

Recently a friend wrote an email to me after seeing pictures of M's first birthday party. After the first few customary sentences about how pretty the girls were and how nice the house looked, she dropped the bomb. "You have really blown up", she said. She said she knows it is not that easy but I "should make some efforts to get back to normal". It really got my goat. First of all, she doesn't know that I put on a whopping 20+ pounds due to IVF alone. Second, she assumed I am doing nothing about it. And third, she implies I am not "normal" right now. She even had the gall to mention that even though she is not exactly slim and trim "par kahne me kya jaata hai?". Means because she is a bit lighter than me, she can give me any advice? Without going into the details of how and why? I don't know what a correct way of broaching this subject with a friend would be. Or IF there is one. But she could have politely enquired before offering advice.

I wrote back to her saying "As for blowing up, I have had multiple IUIs, two IVFs and a baby in the last two years. What is your excuse?". I think it might hurt her feelings. I hope it does. I am tired of being polite to insensitive people. Of explaining why I didn't breastfeed, why I went in for IVF, why I tried so hard for a second baby, why I couldn't have a normal delivery, why - even though I am obviously so fat - couldn't I breastfeed my daughter (this was back when I had S).... I am tired. And now I don't care if my answer hurts you or leaves you dissatisfied or dumbfounded. You know what? None of your effing business!

So this article that I have linked to, talks about how we pass on our weight issues to our kids. It is true. Not only about weight issues, but also about other health issues. A friend, whose husband is severely diabetic, watches her sons' diets closely - more closely than necessary. They are active, healthy kids. But only she can understand the terror she must have felt when her husband was first diagnosed with diabetes during her first pregnancy. So yes - the health issues that we face do affect how we deal with them in front of, or in context of, our children.

Recently, during the "confession bouts" that S was suffering from, she admitted that she feels embarrassed about my weight. Ashamed is a more correct word. I can't explain how that hit me in the gut. I could hardly speak. I couldn't even be upset at her. I didn't want to saddle her with my sob stories about the IVF and the stress and other things. But I wanted her to understand I was not sitting on my hands, doing nothing about my weight. I wanted her to understand that there is a healthy way to lose weight and an unhealthy way too. I wanted to get it across to her that no matter what weight I was at, I was still the same person inside. How do I get all this across to a 9 year old who was already hugely guilt ridden about this sentiment of hers? I didn't. I do intend to bring it up in conversations every now and then. I have already started doing so.

I have to admit I have, on more than one occasion, wondered about taking the easy route to losing weight - eat what I want and then chuck it all out in the bathroom. Believe me, at my weight, when I am worrying about diabetes, heart disease, cancer and early death, this thought is very easy to come across. And very tempting. But thankfully, MY mom drummed more sense into me regarding this than most moms in her times did. Thanks to her, I have understood from an early age, how important it is to get proper nutrition and to lose weight by exercising and not by starving. I remember the many conversations she had with me over this topic. Never judging or dictating - just listing facts, explaining concepts. I hope to pass on the same knowledge to my daughter. I just hope that I can make as lasting an impression on her as my mom did on me.

One thing is for sure - even though I am not happy with the weight I am at, I am not ashamed of it. For the first time in my life, I have stopped sucking in my belly before walking into a room full of people. I know I am making efforts. I know how tough it is to fit in exercise - specially with the kind of routine and lives we have. But I know I am doing something. I have even made peace with the fact that I might develop diabetes if I don't lose weight in time. You know what? If that happens, unfortunate as it might be, I will deal with it. I will manage it. In the meantime, I am making healthy efforts and am sure I will get there someday.

These days I worry about our upcoming (planned) trip to India. I try to imagine what different frinds and relatives will say to me about my weight. I am dreading our trip for that reason. I am preparing "comebacks". I know it will be mentioned how J and his brother don't ever get "fat" while the two DILs have piled on kilos. I had relatives asking me during my pregnancy how "fat" I'd become. Not "how much weight I'd put on" (not that THAT was any of their business either) but how FAT I had become. I have friends asking me "how much do you weigh now?" when we call them to wish them a happy diwali/holi/birthday/whatever. I really don't understand this excessive obsession Indians have with other people's weight. Here, every time I mention my frustration regarding my weight, my American colleagues reassure me that I will get to a healthy weight in time and not to lose sight of the fact that I did just deliver a baby. I wonder why no one in my family or friend circle realilzes that? I could use a little more support.

Well, I do have support. J fully supports and encourages me. He provides encouragement, not pressure. I am lucky to have that. Some women don't even have that. I have seen men pushing their wives to diet or berate them for their weight. Not J. I don't think I could deal with that. I think God gives us only what we can deal with. In my case I got a husband who understands and respects me. God knows I wouldn't have tolerated a man who didn't.

What did I do to deserve THIS?

The weekend was tough. I was sick - cough, cold, fever. The whole enchilada. For the first time in my life I wished we could ask someone to come over and take care of the baby so both J and I could rest a little. But J soldiered on, let me rest through the fever and by Sunday evening I was back on my feet. Even managed to clean the first level of the house! Dusting, sweeping of the floors - everything!! There is something about Monday morning deadlines that forces a person to shape up :D

Tuesday morning couldn't have gotten any more crappier for me. M had a appointment with her pediatrician for the 9 month checkup and she was supposed to get her shots. J was supposed to take her but at the last minute an emergency arose for him at work. I had an urgent meeting but his emergency trumped my urgency so I had to take M to the doctor's. Wasn't a big deal though - just had to email my boss that I'll be in late. That is the thing about such situations - you feel more guilty when everybody understands the situation you are in and doesn't say anything. Anyway. What do we learn when we get to the doctor's? That despite being on her THIRD round of antibiotics (Amox, Augmentin, now Vantin - I didn't know there WERE so many antibiotics :P) for SIX days, M still has an infection in her right ear. So now we are going to see an ENT specialist and see what he says.

But this is SO not the point of this post. When I got to my office, I popped in my boss' office and said "Sorry for the short notice" and what does he say? "No problem. Don't worry about it".

Then I bumped into Tharini from Winkiesway on Googletalk. Her reassuring words were like a soothing balm. She offered to send some Saibaba bhabhooti for M. Now I don't believe in all this, but I sure recognize love and caring and kindness when I see it. I really appreciated that offer and accepted it. Told Tharini my true feelings and said I'd try it for her sake and she accepted. I am hoping her faith will tide me through these difficult times.

Next, I see Broom on Googletalk and her status reads "sick". So I pinged her and eventually (pretty quickly, actually) the talk turned to my kids and their health. She offered a shoulder for me to cry/whine on and said she would have babysat for my kids if she were here. She even promised that she would sincerely pretend to "listen" to all my woes so I can IM her to my heart's content :D Now what else can you ask for, huh?

Then I went to our HR director and asked her if there was a way for me to get unpaid time off if I need to (my company doesn't do unpaid time off as a policy) and she told me that even though there isn't a policy, they do evaluate such cases on individual basis and all I have to do is submit a request saying I would like to take unpaid time off for all doctors' visits for the next x number of months. I asked her if, after doing this, I wanted to take paid time off at the end of the year (we are planning a trip to India) would it be frowned upon? She said no.

Then I went back to my boss and told him about my conversation with the HR director and he supported me thoroughly. He even suggested that maybe I should take some time off and keep M at home to help her get better fast. This, despite a BIG project looming ahead.

Later during the day another friend chided me for not telling her about our ordeal because she would definitely have helped (even though she was sick too).

Coming back to my question - what did I do to deserve such kind and compassionate friends and colleagues? It really warms my heart to see that there are so many people who care for us. THANK YOU ALL!!

MOTHER of all ear-infections!!

Just as we were beginning to relax about M's health - after her struggles with diarrhea - the E-Monster (Ear infection) struck! One day she came back burning with fever from the daycare and the provider said she had been tugging at her ear. It was so long ago(more than 22 days) so I have forgotten the details. But I remember, we took her to the pediatrician's the next morning and she was prescribed Amoxycilin. A 10-day course as is normal for an ear infection. No big deal, I said. She was supposed to get two doses every day so we gave her one dose at 8 in the morning and the second at 8 pm, just before bed. She responded to the second dose and was back to her regular, happy self. This was the same week that J had to go to NYC for his training. He didn't go away for the whole week, just left at 7 in the morning and came back by 7. But since he was commuting so much, I told him I'd take care of M during nights so he could get some rest. And M co-operated by sleeping through most nights. Still I got only about 5 hours of sleep each night, and sometimes less. No big deal, I said again, as I am used to pulling such "stunts". But I was also dropping off both kids and picking them up too. A friend helped out by having S ride the bus with her kids so I didn't have to drive across town to pick her up - this friend lives very close by. I'd leave work by 4, get home by 4:30, set up my computer and phone to work from home, then go pick M and S up, come back, give M her dinner and work from home till 7. I managed it pretty well too I think, but by Friday I was pooped.

Oh, and just to test my mettle, He-who-sits-up-there-and-has-a-wacky-sense-of-humor piled a few more things on my plate. Just for fun. Thursday, I picked up a VERY tired, no exhausted, S and by night she was running a high fever. 103. Gave me the heebie-jeebies. Cold-compressed her forehead. Told my boss I'd be working from home the whole day Friday, lugged both the kids to the doctor's next morning AND actually worked from home. I had a few deadlines to meet, a few meetings to attend (which I just "attended" over the phone) and a few reports to deliver. NOT a walk in the park - working from home with a sick kid and a sick baby, you know. With anxious coworkers "hovering" over for the urgent reports they need. One positive thing - S didn't have the flu or strep throat. It was possibly just some viral infection, most likely Mononucleosis (the doctor said) and passed out of her system in 3 days. She was back to school on Monday.

Friday morning, M completed the anti-biotic course and by evening she had developed fever again. High fever. And was drooling like a broken faucet. At first I thought maybe she was drooling because she was teething and maybe the fever was due to that too. But she was also gagging if she tried to drink/eat anything and threw up an entire bottle of formula on me so I decided to take her to the pediatrician's the next morning. In the meanwhile, I Googled her symptoms and found out that in babies excessive drooling may be a sign of throat infection.

Next morning (Saturday) the pediatrician checked her and found out that the ear-infection had returned. In my concern about the second round of anti-biotic that she was being put on, I forgot to ask him about the throat infection. We gave her one dose as soon as we picked up the medicine from the pharmacy and she promptly threw it up, along with her lunch. Since she had thrown every last bit up, even the Tylenol I'd given her before giving her anything else, I gave her another dose and she managed to keep it down. She was still drooling copiously in the evening and still had high fever so I called the physician on call and talked to her. I asked her about the throat infection and she said though the pediatrician who checked her should have checked her for throat infection and didn't, I had nothing to worry about as the antibiotics that she was on works for ear-infections as well as throat infections. By next morning the drooling had disappeared and M seemed to be on the mend. We also figured out why she was throwing the medicine up every time - it was bitter! So we started mixing it with water and the poor girl could barely ingest that but she made less fuss now. We still needed to grab her arms and force-feed her the medicine, but she kept it down now. By Friday, she had developed a cough. It was dry at first, then got phlegmy. We finished the anti-biotic course on Monday. The same day I got a call from her daycare that she had high fever (101.7) and could we please come an pick her up. I immediately called her pediatrician's office to schedule an appointment as I wanted her to be seen right away. This was at 3:45 pm. They said they'd accommodate her if I could bring her in right away but they close at 5 so I had to hurry. I work at least 40 minutes away from Norwalk, and then I'd have to add the time it will take me to pick her up and bring her to the doctor's office. I could get there by 4:45 pm and even that was iffy. So I asked J to pick her up and take her to the doctor's. The pediatrician who checked her declared her free of ear-infection and said there wasn't any congestion either. We were told to watch her and bring her back if the fever didn't go away. She was supposed to go in on Wednesday for her 9 month checkup and shots (which had been delayed because of the ear-infection). J and I were up most of Monday night/Tuesday early morning tending to her - she threw up 4 times in 12 hours and had trouble falling and staying asleep. By morning she was a little better but we decided to keep her home. I had a conference with S' class teacher at 8:45 am and we woke up at 8:10! I rushed off to the school while J got the girls ready and brought them to school. He dropped off S and handed over M to me. I emailed my boss that I'd work from home again. I am lucky that my boss is a kind, accommodating fellow. M was a little cranky and had low grade fever all day but otherwise she was OK. No throwing up, though she had a reduced appetite. By Wednesday morning, she was running a fever - 102.5 degrees. I gave her Tylenol and then rushed to the pediatrician's appointment. I knew they wouldn't give her the shots because of the fever but I wanted them to take a look at her. We found another ear-infection in the same ear. Third round of anti-biotic. I was getting more concerned by the minute. I had an important meeting to go to, so J took the day off and stayed home with her. We started her on the antibiotics but I made up my mind to go to another doctor for a second opinion. Fortunately our insurance plan allows us to do that without any hassles - we just have to walk in to any doctor's office and don't need any referrals.

I took a day off on Thursday and took her to a doctor we used to consult with for S when she was little. He took a look and said "You can give her antibiotics for the ear-infection and cure it, but it will keep coming back if you don't do anything about the congestion that she has". Turns out she had upper and lower respiratory tract congestion. She was prescribed a decongestant. I called her pediatricians back (it is a group) and told the physician-on-call about the second opinion and the decongestant. We agreed to give her one daily dose of the decongestant instead of the prescribed four and continue with the antibiotics. Just one dose of the decongestant worked wonders! Within 20 minutes of taking that, M was screaming at me because she wanted to share my meal. A first in the last 2 weeks! I made a plain dosa for her and she ate most of it! Her appetite is improving though she is very drowsy because of the decongestant and has been sleeping most of the day. But whenever she is up, she is cheerful and not cranky like before. She is even crawling again and running around in the walker. Maybe she feels better now, or maybe she is high!

We have to take her in next Tuesday for a follow-up when, hopefully, she will also get her 9 month shots. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best this time. A lot of women who work with me and have sent their babies to daycare have assured me that this will pass once the flu season goes by and I am trying to keep my hopes up. Have done a little research on ear infections. They are caused when the nose is congested and the nasal congestion drips into the ear canal, fluid accumulates and becomes infected. Many times an ear infection clears up by itself, but doctors don't like to wait for it to clear up in babies under 2 because a severe ear infection can cause a temporary hearing loss which, in turn, can result in impeded speech development in small babies. There are some other reasons too, but I really am not in a mood to go into the details. I was concerned about resistance to antibiotics and the doctors (both, the pediatrician and the one I went to for second opinion) AND the pharmacist told me not to worry about it as M is not being kept on the same anitbiotics for a long period of time. I must have asked them about 23 times. I feel a little reassured.

Oh, and now I have cough, cold and a fever too! Hope April turns out better.

Things to work on...

I don't do New year's resolutions. I feel one shouldn't be bound by the calendar to start something good. So, I usually make resolutions as and when I feel the need. Whether I act upon those resolutions is a different matter and we shall not venture into that discussion.

I can remember only one resolution that I made a few years back and I feel I did a good job with that. But then that may be because it wasn't too tough to begin with. Two (or maybe three) years back I decided I wasn't going to fret about my weight. That didn't mean I wouldn't care about it - just that I wouldn't worry about my weight or shape or size. I still would follow a healthy life style and try to reach/maintain a healthy weight. I just wouldn't worry about or feel bad about my weight or size. I have to say that it was THE BEST decision I ever made. I found it was easier for me to focus on healthy habits if I wasn't constantly worrying about losing weight. I knew if I followed a healthy life-style, weightloss and fitness will automatically (eventually) follow. And that is what happened. Well, at least until I started the IVF cycles - but that is a different story. Not getting into that.

Coming to this year. I haven't made any resolutions. Yet. I liked one on a blogger's list and for the life of me, I CAN'T FIND THEIR POST NOW!!! I have patrolled the blogosphere twice over and still couldn't find the post, so I don't remember the blogger's name. but I do remember one resolution on their list - to reduce clutter. And that fits my state of mind completely right now. I need to reduce clutter form my life. From my mind. From my house. From my office. From my car. So that is one thing I am going to work on starting from today - getting rid of clutter. I won't say "work on it this year" because I want this habit for life. I am still going to actively work on improving my health AND having/maintaining a positive self-image. I want to be around to enjoy MY grandkids.

Spacer Hell (and other tirades)

Again. Much whining and cajoling/ cuddling happening in the Kay household. Next week we will enter "Expander Hell". Will update about how that goes.

In other news, the baby is a lazy bum and isn't making even a tiny bit of effort to turn over or to crawl. Not that I am worried because that means we aren't running after her every single minute of the day. Thanking my stars here!

S has a concert at school today. She has been getting Violin (strings) lessons since last year. There will be two performances - one in the morning for the entire school and one in the evening for the parents of kids who are performing. The letter that came home from her music teachers (yes, she has two - one for the "regular" stuff and one for strings) said the "preferred attire" was black/ dark colored skirt and blouse or a dress (NO trousers). That raised my hackles. Why? Read on.

Last year we purchased THREE dresses for S on her teacher's demand for the various school plays that she participated in with the rest of her class. Now, S has recently lost interest in wearing skirts and dresses and prefers trousers and jeans. As a result, those three dresses are just hanging in her closet, gathering dust. We don't mind buying her clothes but we cannot just buy dresses on demand specially when she doesn't even wear them. These demands for dresses were so specific as to what the dresses should look like that S couldn't use any of her existing dresses for the purpose. And money doesn't grow on the tree for us, you know. For me, to buy three dresses each worth $30 or more, is very difficult financially. That is money we could use on something else. Some moms borrow dresses from friends but I can't do that. I simply cannot borrow clothes from anyone - that's the way I am. Thats the reason I don't shop at consignment stores even though one can find some really beautiful clothes for reasonable prices there. I don't do second hand clothes. I just don't.

So, this time I made a tough decision. I decided I was going to ignore the teachers' instructions and dress S in formal black trousers instead of formal black skirt or dress. I can't tell you how terrified that girl was of being yelled at by her teachers! I wrote a letter to the teachers just so S wouldn't have to face their anger. this is how it went:

Hello Mrs. G and Ms. J,

S is dressed in trousers instead of a dress or a skirt because she doesn't
have a black/dark dress or a skirt that's the right size. She asked us to buy
one but we refused because we cannot afford to buy dresses on demand for every
school play or concert she participates in. Last year we had to buy
three!

She is terrified she will be yelled at but I have assured her that you
will see reason. She has taken full care to dress formally in black trousers for
the concert.

Thank you very much for understanding the situation she is in through no
fault of hers.

Sincerely,

Cee Kay
(xxx)xxx-xxxx
Mother of S Kay
Room# XXX

I then called the parent co-ordinator at S' school and talked to her. She agreed that I had done the right thing and that I should bring this issue up at the next PTO meeting if I don't hear back from the teachers. I have heard from other parents how difficult it is for them to come up with new clothes fulfilling these demands. I am surprised that no one has spoken up!

I am waiting to see how they react. S asked me how she should respond if they still yell at her and I told her that she should be respectful and listen to whatever they say (they are her teachers, after all). THEN she needs to come tell me and I'll take it up with them if the need arises. I am optimistic that they won't be upset. We'll see what happens...

Update: I spoke to S when she returned from school and she said her classroom's assistant didn't pass on the letter to the music teacher saying "She has put in so much effort for this concert, let's not give it to her today". WTF?? Who is she to decide when I can communicate with the music teacher and when not?? I left her a slightly annoyed voicemail saying I was a little upset because I did want the music teacher to get my letter today and respond. Another thing that annoys me is that S is so scared of her teachers' reaction (even though they didn't say anything to her at school today) that she has decided to wear another, kind of dull, dress to the concert. She knows that she looks better in the trousers and top that she wore this morning but she still wants to wear that plain dress. A friend at work asked me why didn't I force S to wear the trouser and top. Thats because I want her to make her own decisions. But this decision, I know, she is making because she is terrified of her teachers and I don't want her to base her decisions on her fear for someone else either. Does that make sense?

Tough times ahead! Again.

God, grant me serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage, to change the things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

ॐ भूर्भुव स्वः तत्सः वितुर्वरेण्यम
भर्गो देवस्य धी महि धियो यो नः प्रचोदायत

These two prayers have helped me get through many tough times and I am counting on them this time around too. The toughest thing for a parent to do is watch their child suffer even a little bit. I remember one Vicks Vaporub ad that said - "आपको वही खांसी सबसे ज्यादा सताती है, जो आपके मुन्ने को आती है"। (You are bothered by that cough the most that bothers your son) How true!! If I could meet the person who came up with that line, I'd kiss their hands. And feet. This is the most insightful comment I have EVER heard about parenting.

S' dentist had asked us to take her to an orthodontist because she has some majorly crooked teeth and he wanted us to get started with "preventive maintenance" rather than have to go for something drastic (like surgery) when she grows up. So, we went. In nutshell what the orthodontist told us was this - her upper jaw is weak and not growing as well as her lower jaw has. As a result the lower jaw is slowly thrusting its way out while the upper jaw is going back. Her bite is not as it should be - upper teeth overlapping lower teeth. They meet and if this continues, the lower teeth could overlap the upper ones. This is genetic - something decided by the genes she has. And that's when, for a moment, I thought maybe my and J's match wasn't exactly made in heaven. (I am sorry J - I know you understand. I just meant that something that gives our daughter such a problem to deal with couldn't have been made "in heaven". I am VERY happy with you - for the record, and I wouldn't have married anyone else if I couldn't have married you. You know that, don't you?)

Thankfully, there is a simple fix for this. They will install an "expander" in her upper jaw which will push it outward and give the teeth some more space so they can come in easily. Then she will be given a face mask that will be attached to her teeth in the back, and will help pull her upper jaw outward. All this is going to be very uncomfortable but not painful (according to the orthodontist) And this will hopefully prevent her from needing surgery to fix this later on in her life. It depends on how well her upper jaw grows after this and if her lower jaw doesn't grow faster than the upper one.

Simple. In theory. Take into account that it is a 9 year old who will be going through all this, add to it the extreme discomfort she will have to bear and the pain too, and the fact that this treatment will last ten long months (after which, if both the jaws behave as they should, she will get simple braces) and you'll know why I need the support of prayers. I am on the verge of crying for her, at her discomfort and how my little trooper is going through all this. Yes, she is a little grumpy and yes we have given her the liberty to be so. She had "spacers" put in her teeth so that they will get some space for the metal expander to be put in this Saturday. That is making her extremely uncomfortable. She refused painkillers initially but then came back and asked for them. Which makes her drowsy which, in turn, makes going to school and swim practice and everything else that she has to do so much more difficult. Every sleep-deprived parent will vouch for that.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" has always been my mantra. I have mentioned it before too. My main grievance with God is - why her AGAIN?????

HumptyDumpty had a great fall...

... and sprained the ankle in her left leg and pulled a muscle in the right calf. Humpty-Dumpty already had a swollen right wrist and a hurting left shoulder. So, now Humpty-Dumpty is certified "disabled" (I believe that is the latest politically correct term :D)

But the thing that Humpty-Dumpty is most thankful about is that Baby M, who was in her left arm at that time, is safe and sound. Maternal instincts, I guess. As Humpty-Dumpty started falling, her right arm went to hold Baby M securely instead of breaking the fall.

So now The King is pampering Humpty-Dumpty :D

If you cannot go to the gym...

...make the gym come to you!

We bought this over the weekend. A treadmill! We had been contemplating buying one since I got gestational diabetes and didn't buy one just because we were unwilling to spend all that money. But now it was becoming apparent that I needed desparate help in shedding those pounds that I accumulated during my IVF treatments and then during the pregnancy. Even now I am at a weight that I have never been at even at the peak of my last pregnancy. A whopping 181 pounds!! There. I said it. I am kind of ashamed of my weight right now, though I don't know why. It wasn't as if I could avoid gaining it. I gained only 20 pounds during my pregnancy, and my OB/GYN and edocrinologist were very happy with that fact (and it took a lot of effort to limit the weight gain to 20, believe me) But I gained over 20 pounds in the year before I conceived and while I should have adopted an exercise regimen (rather, maintained the one I had), it was next to impossible with so many balls in the air to juggle. A full-time job, IVF treatments, a new home, in-laws (and the accompanying stress :D) and a family to take care of. The biggest one was my commitment to my daughter's school PTO - I was her school's rep for the Norwalk PTO committee and had to attend monthly meetings. As a rep I also had to attend vendor fairs and other events organized by the committe, report back to the school's PTO about what was discussed at the PTO committee, was part of her school's Technology committee, took an active part in voicing school-parents' concerns in front of the Board of ed and the superintendent, and also voiced our concerns at the town's budget hearings because they were thinking of making cuts to the school board's budget. Some of these meetings ran till 10 or 11 and I had one meeting every week on an average (sometimes more). All this went on practically till the end of school year (June) which means that I was doing all this almost till the end of my pregnancy.

Anyhoo. So here we are now - at 181 lbs. At least 50 pounds to lose. An added incentive is the endocrinologist's warning. If I don't lose the weight, my chances of getting diabetes are 50%. If I do manage to lose even some of the weight, my chances go down to 5%. Simple, isn't it?! Not quite. For now, between the constant feeding, nursing and pumping sessions, not to mention other house chores, I have to fit in an exercise program. And blogging :D And I am going back to work in 4 weeks. Sssssssscary!

One glimmer of hope - the arrival of my parents on August 16th. I am eagerly waiting for them. Hopefully their arrival will give me and J the much needed respite from our grueling schedules. Not that we are planning to dump all work on them. But we will have them to take care of Baby M if, say, we have to mow the lawn or trim the bushes (yup! we have to do that too!), or do one of the 1000 other jobs around the house that lie ignored right now. I am also looking forward to leaving the kids with them one night and going out for a quiet movie and a dinner with J. Been a long time since we did that. Almost a year - the last time we did that was when J's parents were visiting us last year. One thing that I am looking forward to the most is spending some time with my parents. The last time they visited us, I had school 4 nights of the week in addition to my full-time job. This time too I considered signing up for a class since they will be here to help but decided against it. The class will have to wait even though it does have the potential of giving my career a much-needed boost. This time, I'll get about 15 days with them at home before I go to work and this time around I am much more disciplined and efficient so I am hoping we will get more time together on week-nights and weekends.

So, now the treadmill awaits me! I am looking forward to making its acquaintence tonight. Which means I have to get off my big fat butt RIGHT NOW and prepare dinner while Baby M is sleeping. Ciao!