Do I HAVE to fit the mould?

I have this mega grouse. People expect me to fit a mould of their expectations. They have some preconceived notions of how a woman should look, behave and think. And they want to stuff me in that mould. Even if I don't fit, even if I am much more than just how I look. Then some have another mould ready for me - that of a mother. Being one, I am expected to have certain feelings, behave certain way (again), do certain things. Some well-meaning souls have a set of criteria ready for my older daughter and in time will want to implement it on my younger one too. After all, girls/women/females need guidance, no? They are pretty incapable of thinking for themselves, making good decisions and tend to be foolish.

Just recently, a female coworker told me how I look much better these days - what with my growing hair and resultant feminine looks. Is that all I am? Hair and looks? So, if someone were to see me in short, SHORT hair (as I usually like to keep them), would I look less feminine? Is feminity associated only with long hair?? More importantly, is feminity that important? Suppose you worked with me. Would it change your professional opinion of me if I cut my hair short? Or grew them long?

Dictionary.com defines "feminine" as "having qualities traditionally ascribed to women, as sensitivity or gentleness". I have further issues with this. 1) How does having long hair relate to sensitivity or gentleness? OK - this is just in context of the co worker's comment. Dictionary.com doesn't say this. 2) WHY are they considered feminine traits? Can't men be sensitive or gentle? My man is. Does that mean he is not man enough? Does he have to be aggressive and insensitive to prove himself as a man?

A few months ago I had another argument with another coworker. Not related to the recent "feminine" grouse, but I have been thinking about it and meaning to write about it here. She says I need to be more feminine (wear dresses, wear makeup, wear jewelry) so that my girls can learn it from me. Again - two issues.

1. WHY do I need to do all this (especially since I don't like to) to teach my daughters how to dress beautifully or apply makeup. Granted I don't know how to apply makeup, but they can learn from friends, no? How many of us learnt it from our mothers? I can get them the resources, or maybe even learn along with them - hey, no skill is small.

2. Why do they HAVE to grow up feminine? (This is the argument my coworker gave - they won't grow up feminine if I don't do all this because they won't have a role model). I am perfectly happy - in fact MORE happy - if they grow up to be tomboys. With no hangups about their looks or dresses or tresses. Leads to a simpler and less complicated life methinks.

I wouldn't discourage their choices. I will try to teach them to think for themselves before taking anything up. But if one of my daughters decides she wants to look pretty and all dressed up, I'll be glad that there is at least one female in our family willing to do so. Me? I can't be bothered to try to look feminine. I try to dress well. I like wearing jewelry and makeup occasionally. If I end up looking feminine and pretty, well BONUS! But I have been known to walk out of the house without lipstick and mascara. Or I should say - I have been known to occasionally walk out with lipstick and mascara ON. I usually go without.

So. After all this meaningless rambling, my only question is - why is pseudo-feminity such a big deal? By pseudo-feminity I mean feminity associated ONLY to looks and not the behavioral traits associated with it. What does it matter to you if I have short hair and look like a boy? Isn't it enough that I am kind, gentle and witty (or trying to be) and good at what I do professionally?

Another thing I have often thought about is something I have heard some women say, including my MIL. A girl should be ready to make sacrifices for her brothers or father (or family). By sacrifices they mean small gestures like saving the last piece of a sweet for the brother, or giving the brother/father the best piece and saving the not-so-good or downright unpalatable piece for herself. Giving up the TV remote for them. Or the Sunday comics. Putting them first, not thinking about herself. Or bigger gestures - like not having a mind or opinion of their own. Doing what the father/brother/elders say. Marrying the guy of the family's choice. Or NOT marrying the guy of their own choice. Being "homely". Giving up their own comfort for the comfort of others.

Well, it sounds great and idealistic, innit? Raising selfless daughters so they will spread sunshine and happiness where ever they go. But I am sorry - I ain't gonna do it. I am going to teach my daughters to be selfish. Not selfish as in "I want this and the rest of the world may go to hell". But selfish as in "I feel this is right for me so I am going to stand up for myself even if it might upset someone". Maybe this isn't selfishness. Maybe "headstrong" is the word I am looking for? Or it is just self-respect. When you have it, you know that there are certain things you shouldn't/wouldn't compromise on even if they made someone else upset. THAT is what I want my daughters to learn. I don't want to turn them into doormats.

This thought first entered my mind years ago when I only had S. M hadn't even entered my mind i.e. I hadn't even started planning a second baby. We were going to India to visit with family. The year was 2003. I and J had decided that I and S would first go to Jodhpur, where my brother, his wife and parents were going to meet me. Then after spending a week there, I would head to Indore for two weeks. Then I would visit my parents for one week again, this time in Dhar, M.P. where my mom was then stationed. My parents and brother had agreed to come down to Jodhpur because I wanted to go there - no trip is complete without going to "mharo pyaaro Jodhpur" (My lovely Jodhpur). I thought this was a fair deal. I was spending equal amount of time with both sets of parents, not a day more or less at either place. But my FIL thought otherwise. And he let my parents know this. Then my dad started pressuring me into changing my plan to go to Indore first as I was a bahu first and a daughter second. To cut a long story short, I lost all interest in going to India. I couldn't understand why anyone would have any problems with our plan as

1) J and I agreed upon it completely. In my opinion, if we are in agreement, no one else's opinion matters in this case.

2) We agreed on this plan because this involved least amount of traveling within India which is what you want when you are visiting just for 4 weeks.

Anyway, finally I did what we had planned all along, though not without arguments, debates, anger flare-ups and taunts. During this planning phase I told my mom once - I promise you, I am going to bring my daughter up to be very selfish so she doesn't have to go through all this EVER! Even today, I intend to do that. Well, not raise her to be selfish, but to raise her to be a headstrong woman. Who would be fair but not compromise on things just to make others happy - especially if those compromises make HER unhappy. My sister-in-law - my brother's wife - is one such woman. She is a kind, gentle woman, yet so sure about what she wants. She is headstrong and confident. I told her (and my mother) I want her to be my daughters' role model. Tell me - is there a potion I could give my daughters so they would grow up to be like that?