The year 2010

I feel a deep change in me this year. I am more at peace, more content, a lot more easy going than I was earlier. I don't know what brought this change. Maybe age (though I doubt it) - I did turn 40 this year. Or the online group of friends I have been hanging out with. They are a varied bunch and they have brought much laughter, sanity and clarity in my life and attitude. Maybe it was my daughters - I have learnt a lot from them. From S I learned perseverance and determination. From M I learnt to stay firm and not to be ashamed of having a mind of my own. Maybe it was J - he teaches me, by example, what devotion and responsibility is.

Whatever it is, it has made me a much happier person. J and I fight less, laugh more and get along better. I think I have become more tolerant. This year also, grudgingly, eased my pain of losing my father a bit. I still miss him but I cry for him less and laugh at his fond memories more. This year I have made a little bit more effort to reach out to my mom and brother and my friends as well.

All in all, this year has seen more ups than downs. I liked this year. It also helps that this year was a multiple of 10 which made my OCD self feel a little better :) 2011 better follow suit and turn out even better. But then, it will be what I make of it, right? So here is hoping that I make the best of 2011. And you do too. Happy New Year!!

It's the same everywhere

There was a girl, S. And a boy N. N wanted S but she didn't reciprocate the feelings. N started harassing S. He'd taunt her when she passed him by on the streets, show off his strength in various ways and even threatened S bodily harm if she didn't accept his proposal. S complained to her friends. One of her friends, U, openly declared his support for S and declared anyone who wished harm to S would have to deal with him first. S even started learning a martial art in the hopes that it would help her defend herself. A few other people just stayed quiet and watched the drama unfold.

Upon seeing this, N created a big ruckus about how S was threatening him and asked S to stop taking martial arts lessons. N's friends C and R declared that they supported him in everything he did. C asked U not to meddle in the matter and R pleaded with S to stop exerting her independence to maintain peace and let N be.

What do you guys think? Does this sound like a probable scene? Would you believe it if someone told you this story? Curse N and his buddies maybe?

Now, if I told you S is South Korea, N is North Korea, R is Russia, C is China and U is USA, what would your thoughts be? The "martial arts" that S is learning and which is bothering N so much is actually South Korea's nuclear program.

I was listening to a radio program and the way the hostess narrated the current situation between the two countries immediately brought this scenario to my mind. And those of you who grew up in India, or still live in India, will have to agree that this is not a far fetched scenario. The only thing that is far fetched in this story is that S even thought of learning a martial art. I mean hilarious, right?! We Indian girls grew up believing that any form of retaliation towards those thugs will only get us in more trouble. We were taught that. If ever we complained about the harassment, this was the first lesson taught to us - don't say anything or he will harass you more. Change the way you dress - maybe your clothes are provocative. Lower your volume - why attract attention? It will only get you in trouble.

God! Even thinking about this makes me see red! In a country of billions and a land of 33 crore gods and goddesses, no one saw the idiocy in this stance? Nobody ever asked "why blame the victim here?". More than half the country's population was suppressed by the other (less than) half and they tolerated it?

I know a lot of incidents of the girls' bravery at personal level. Even I have bashed up quite a few boys in my time. But speaking from an overall point of view, we come across as a society of cowards and hypocrites!

Coming back to the "story" - it seems that it is the same everywhere. The powerful want to take away the weak's right to even defend themselves.

The "A" word

Aparna asks, in her post "3 Adjustment Stories", "To what point does one adjust? Should everyone in a new relationship learn to adjust rather than it being expected mostly from one person? How does one decide if it is worth it? And what should be non-negotiable?"

 

The "A" word, “adjustment” is not new for most Indian women. Anything that involves putting up with other people’s whims, fancies, traditions, opinions etc. is covered by the umbrella of “adjustment”.

You get into an argument with your brother over who will read the newspaper first – you need to adjust (and let him, and every other male member of the family read the newspaper before you). You are the last one left to eat dinner (because, of course, the men eat first) and there isn’t much food left. Or maybe your favorite dish is all gone. You need to adjust. Don’t grumble. It is only food! You get engaged - you need to learn to adjust. You get married – you need to adjust with your new family. Your in-laws or husband abuse you – you need to adjust. You must definitely be pissing them off in some way and inviting all those troubles on yourself. You must be answering back or disobeying their rules. You question senseless rituals – education has gone to your head. You haven’t been taught to adjust. Girls shouldn’t be allowed to study too much – they don’t adjust after that. You didn’t grow up in a joint family – you surely wouldn’t know how to adjust. You are younger – you must adjust.

I am as good as a boy/man. I won’t adjust. I have an MBA/B.E/ from a prestigious institution – I won’t adjust. I don’t believe in the boy/girl crap – I believe men and women are equal. I won’t adjust. I spent all my life studying and got this degree. I won’t adjust. I have a good job that brings in mega bucks – I won’t adjust. I am a feminist – I won’t adjust. Why should I be the only one to adjust?

I am sure each one of us can identify with at least one statement in the last two paragraphs, if not more. Truth be told, these are both extremes. The first paragraph speaks of the atrocities girls/women in an Indian society are made to tolerate in name of adjustment. Is that really adjustment? I believe it lies more in the realms of meek submission that is expected of them just because they happen to be females. The second paragraph portrays the picture of a rebellious, strong and independent woman.  But does it really? To me it says this person is shortsighted, selfish, arrogant and immature.

Adjustment is not all that bad. And it isn’t all that good either – depending on the circumstances and the intentions behind the expectation for adjustment. It is another noteworthy fact that all these expectations of adjustment are associated with women in our society. Similarly all the declarations of “I won’t adjust” will be frowned upon by many. The irony is that the same declarations will be meekly accepted if they were to come from a man. In fact, they would be offered on his behalf before he even opens his mouth. Therein lays the crux of the whole matter. Adjustment, on its own, is not a bad word or concept. Tying its expectation with just one gender in the society is. Patriarchy, which is formed on the foundation of all such concepts, is.

Adjustment, in any relationship, is the order of the day. No relationship can survive without it. But when that adjustment comes from one party only, the relationship cannot survive. Or if it does (because one partner is “adjusting”), it will definitely won’t be as fulfilling, as warm and as smooth as it can be. There will be tiny cracks and fractures in the relationship that may not be visible to the naked eye but will be felt by the people living that relationship. When the adjustment in a relationship comes at the cost of one partner’s happiness or contentment, that relationship is doomed. To each of us, there always will be (and should be), a few things that we will never compromise on. We should know where to draw the line in an adjustment game. A healthy relationship will honor those limits. E.g. I know I will adjust with anything in a relationship as long as it doesn’t challenge my core being, as long as I am not expected to let go of the opinions and values that define me. 

The adjustment one makes unwillingly when one is expected or required to do it is not a true adjustment. It is an imposition. It will result in resentment or unhappiness. On the other hand, absence of adjustment also spells disaster for a relationship. No two people can think and feel exactly the same way about everything. There will come a time in their relationship when they will disagree. The success of their relationship will depend on how well they handle disagreements, not on how well they agree with each other on other matters.  

To me, adjustment is not a four-letter word. I have adjusted plenty in my life. Sometimes out of compulsion but most times out of my own free will. So has my husband. We both recognize and appreciate the adjustments we have made to make our relationship stronger. Our relationship IS stronger because, instead of counting who made how many adjustments, we just adjusted when needed. He needed to study further to better his career prospects so he did - even though I wanted to study first to better my chances at landing a job. So I adjusted my dreams (not without protests though) for a short while. Now I am at a point where I can realize my own dreams with his full support. I can’t take much time off from work so he adjusts his work schedule to take care of childcare emergencies. It goes both ways in so many situations. Like the Hindi proverb says “Kabhi naav gadi par to kabhi gadi naav par” [Loosely translated it means “sometimes the boat is on the car and sometimes the car is on the boat”]. That’s adjustment.

Note: I wrote this post as an entry for the contest at Women's Web, 'The Great Adjustment Story'.

 

A decision that I regret to this day

This is difficult to write about, but I think I must - for my own peace of mind. I need to get this load off my mind.

When my father passed away quite unexpectedly a little over two years ago, and I rushed to be by my mother 's side, a little thought loomed large in my mind. I wanted to be as much a part of my father's final rites as my brother would be. I wanted to go to the "shmashan", and not stay at home, like women are supposed to. I wanted to do what girls in our society are not allowed to, normally. I wanted to do at least that much for my dad. I knew I would face comments and resistance from outsiders but I was determined not to pay attention to them. I was determined I will be a part of my father's last rites.

People would have stopped me - but I don't care about them anyway. Their words wouldn't have mattered. My brother didn't mind. His wife, whom I came to love with all my heart during those days, encouraged me and promised me she would defend my right to do so if I wanted to do it. I don't know how my mother would have reacted, because I never asked her. I have a suspicion that my father might have frowned upon it because he was like that - he worried about "society" sometimes. Other family members might have tried to dissuade me from going, but they didn't matter. The only ones who mattered were my brother, his wife and my mother.

When the time came for the funeral procession to proceed, I copped out.

First I said I wanted to be by my mother's side for support. I really did mean it. My brother's wife said she would stay with my mom so I can go. Then I said I didn't want to go because I wouldn't be able to stand seeing my dad going up in flames. Somewhere in my heart, I also dreaded the confrontation that would ensue with all assorted friends and family telling me not to go. They were already trying to dictate what I should or shouldn't do. I was told not to touch anything in the kitchen because I "didn't belong to this family anymore". I was told not to touch the diya that would be lighted in front of my dad's picture in the evening. My sister-in-law stood fast by me and stubbornly had me do everything that I was told not to do. Her point? "No one can ever say that you are not a part of this family. You are as much a part of this family now as you were before you got married". It was then that I truly fell in love with that girl. But that is another post.

Where was I? Ah! Confrontation. Don't get me wrong - I didn't mind the confrontation. I just didn't want to create any more grief for my mother. I was afraid the confrontation would hurt her if she thought I was disrespecting my dad's wishes. My brother and his wife respected my wishes and didn't force me one way or another after that. These days I often wonder if I stayed back because I had a valid reason or because was a chicken. I can't decide. One regret that I do have is that I could have gone with my brother and been a support for him, and I lost that chance. He'd had a knee surgery just days before and could hardly walk, leave alone climb any stairs, which I believe he had to do that day. Our cousins went with him so he wasn't alone. But I still wonder if it would have made any difference for him if I had gone. 

I still regret that decision. It wasn't an earth shattering decision but every time I think about how I have defied the societal norms in many matters, I remember this one occasion when I bowed to them. But I am still confused over whether I should have gone or not. I didn't want to go just to make a point. I am beyond that stage in life where I would want to do something just because society doesn't approve or because I want to show people that women can do whatever they set their minds to. I know I can do whatever I set my mind to and that is enough for me - I don't need to demonstrate that to others.

I made the choice to not go because I had the choice. My brother didn't have a choice. THAT is what bothers me the most. I copped out because I had a choice but I should have sucked it up and been there for my brother who had no choice but to go through the heart wrenching moments on his own. I am sorry for that.