Grief

It has many faces.

It can be constant crying - punctuated by brief hiccups...

It can be a wail - heart rending, twisting the gut into a tangled ball...

It can be a silence - wrapping one's soul, blocking all external stimuli from coming in...

It can even be hope - that the loved one you have lost is in a better place, maybe reunited with the long-lost mother he never knew and his one and only pet whom he loved just as much as, and sometimes more than, his own daughter...

It can be an ache - that you will never see him again. Or hear him. Or receive emails and birthday e-cards. Or touch him...

It can be a fear - that you will forget him, the sound of his voice, his laugh, his touch...

It can be dry eyes - because you just don't know how to release all those emotions...

It can be a comfort - to know that he didn't suffer. He went just as he had always lived. With dignity...

It can be a puzzle - did he think about you in his final moments? (Yes, I know. A very selfish thought)...

It can be a heartbreak - that you could not do anything even though you COULD have. After all, your blood group was the same as his. He needn't have waited one whole stupid day...

It can be a LOT of memories - of your childhood, of learning from him, of laughing with him, or AT him...

It can be a lesson - to live like he did, love like he did...

It can be a role reversal - comforting others who come from far away to pay their respects...

It can be overwhelming.

I lost my dad, very unexpectedly, on October 4th this year. It is beginning to sink in. And it hurts. A LOT.

Dumbing it down

My mind is boggled. I had heard this happens, but never thought it would happen to US! You know how we always assume bad things happen to others but never, once, think about what if they happened to us? Yes, like that. Maybe it isn't all that terrible. Maybe I am over reacting.

Yeah. That's what it is. I AM over reacting. On purpose. To draw you in, create a mysterious air. So that when you are three paragraphs deep into the post and find out it was only about me breaking a leg, you'll say "I've come this far, let me read this to the end". Only, it isn't about me breaking my leg. There. Gotcha!!

Sorry folks. I am in a silly mood today :) Couldn't help but take your trip. What I am really bugged about is the use of calculators in ELEMENTARY schools. Now, if you are one of those who think it's no big deal, please PLEASE do take a minute and leave me a comment with your views on this. I am just not able to comprehend why a 5th grader would need to use a calculator. And I did ask my daughter to show me the problems that she was told by her teacher to use a calculator for.

1.5 x 1,000

4,000 / 1,000

1.5 x 10

I am not kidding. I copied these questions directly from her homework assignment. This, for a kid who is already solving simple linear equations in one variable at KUMON. She is doing JUNIOR HIGH ALGEBRA at KUMON. And she has been told by her class teacher she could use a calculator to solve problems like the ones I have listed above. Now, I accept that the teacher said "could", but anyone who knows how 9 year old kids' minds work will immediately know that for them a "could" uttered by their teacher means "should".

My problem is not how to stop her from using a calculator, and I will list my reasons shortly. My problem is how to make her understand that she doesn't need to. That I am not a parent from hell for making her use her brains. That she is not uncool for not using a calculator. That, in fact, she should be considered super-cool for not needing a calculator for the stupid problems. How, in this screwed-up society where anyone doing good in academics is immediately ostracized for being a nerd, can I protect my daughter from the heartache that she will definitely face sometime in the future for being good at what she is supposed to be doing at school - studies. These are a few of my problems. Another problem is - how do I strike a balance between letting my daughter experience the thrill of finally using a calculator like older kids and making her use her brain for math that comes as easy to her as a tumble in the grass?

Now my reason for not wanting her to use a calculator for such simple math. It will rot her brains. As simple as that. OK - I am being dramatic. But what I mean is, she will lose her mathematical skills if she doesn't use them on a regular basis. Anyone who has studied math (and enjoyed it) would agree that math is all about practice. The more you practice, the better you get. The less you practice, more you forget. So if she starts using a calculator for such problems, she will start forgetting the simples principles and methods. We are not talking about someone who has been multiplying-dividing for a better part of 15 years. If that person starts using a calculator, they don't run the risk of forgetting the basic concepts. Though I can say with surety that they WILL lose some of their speed if they use the calculator long enough (not that it matters - if they are using math just for their day-to-day activities). But if a 9 year old, who has done multiplication-division for only a couple of years, and who still needs practice to keep up with her skills, starts using a calculator, you can be damn sure she is going to forget some concepts. She already did - couldn't figure out where to place the decimal point in the first problem.

I hate this trend of dumbing things down for the sake of those who can't keep up. We don't spend time in bringing the ones struggling up to the par. We push the others, who are doing well, down to their level. J and I didn't use calculators until we reached college. The first time I used a SIMPLE calculator (not a scientific one) was in B.Sc. second year for differential math. We studied trigonometry and probability, among other topics in 12th grade and weren't allowed to use calculators. So forgive me if I scoff at the idea of using a calculator for these stupid math problems.

So J and I explained our reasoning to her. She wasn't happy. She says even though she is sad over our decision, she can "live with it". I did propose a compromise - she can use the calculator occasionally in school, but not for her homework. And we told her we will revisit the issue once the problems they are working upon get more difficult. You see, if the rest of the class uses calculators and she doesn't, she will fall behind on the basis of speed. Which means either the class will have to wait for her or she will miss some problems. So when it becomes she can't keep up with their speed, we will let her use a calculator. But then THAT makes me mad. Why should a child have to use a calculator just because other kids are using it. When she is perfectly capable of doing all that math mentally? I will bring this up during the parent-teacher conferences in November but I don't think I am going to get a satisfactory answer. So I have to find an answer of my own. I have to strike my own balance. Any suggestions?

Where do I fit?

As far as hard-core feminists go, I probably am not a contender to be one. I agreed to my father-in-law's condition that I stay at home in order to marry his son. That is, I agreed not to work outside of home. I took my husband's last name. I stayed at home after my first daughter was born. Because I wanted to. I like to cook and "keep house". And, *gasp* I wear a bra!! Okay, the last one was my feeble attempt at humor.

But the fact is, if you look at my actions and decisions in the last decade and a half, I don't come across as a feminist. Yes, I made one choice that I regret - gave in to an unreasonable demand that I won't work outside of home. Apart from that, I don't regret any other decisions I made. Yet I believe that I AM a feminist.

You see, I believe feminism is not about working outside of home, or about keeping your name. It isn't even about not letting men open doors for you or giving up a seat for you in the bus. I think feminism is about choice. Being able to choose. As simple as that.

So I can choose to stay at home to look after my kids while my husband goes out to earn, because I believe that is the best thing for my family. Or I can choose to work and to send my kids to a daycare, if I believe that is what will benefit me and my family. Or I can stay home because I HAVE to - maybe the finances don't permit me to send the kids to the daycare or due to some medical condition my kid has due to which I am not comfortable sending her to daycare. As long as the decision is mine. As long as it is not imposed upon me. As long as I don't stay home because "that is what daughters in law of this family do". Sometimes these decisions cannot, and should not, be taken in isolation. Both partners have to make a joint decision. But as long as one partner's wish is not being imposed on the other, it should be fine.

Yet, I have seen so many males proudly proclaiming that they are very "open minded and forward thinking" because they insist their wife work outside of home. Or women admitting proudly they don't do anything around the house because, well because they are "educated" and "not like those women who stay home". I have a second cousin who refused to marry into a family because she did not want to do any house chores and they couldn't afford a full-time maid. I have seen people proudly say "Oh, we will let our daughter-in-law work outside the house if she wants to". I agree that it is pretty mature of them to do so, keeping in mind that there are countless others who stifle their daughters in law for the sake of their false pride. But is it really being "open minded"? That you "allow" your daughter in law to work? Isn't assuming that you can allow, or disallow an adult, quite contrary to being open minded and forward thinking??

And then, it gets tricky in my mind. You see, I also know and accept that the sexes are not biologically equal. Does that make me anti-feminism? That I accept my gender's limitations? I am not saying my gender should be discriminated against on this basis. So just because women are the (physically) weaker sex, doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed in mines or on battlefields or aboard spaceships. Equality of sexes, to me, means both sexes should be given an equal opportunity to try things. So, yes, a woman should be given a chance to opt for Mining as her major in engineering college. AND a man should be give an opportunity to be a stay-at-home dad if he wants to. Equality means both sexes should have same legal, financial and political rights. You get paid according to the effort you put in. You get a job if you can prove you are capable of doing it.

And no one, NO ONE, has the right to judge you on the basis of the choices you made.

A pretty confused, and confusing, post as has been the norm lately. I started out with a different train of thoughts and ended up with this. This has left me dissatisfied with the outcome but I will post it anyway.