Ay to Zee of Cee

Added later: Oops! I forgot that Parul had tagged me to do this long time back (well any period of time longer than TWO days is "long time back" for me these days). So, Parul? Here you go. I finally did it!

Now, MadMomma has decided to tag me for this too :) So she gets linked here as well.

OKKKAY!! Looks like DotMom isn't going to let me slack off on the tag she sent my way :D She has been leaving terse comments saying "Tagged!!" for each of my recent posts and I think the number of exclamation marks will keep going up unless I get down to business :P So here goes...

A -Available? For a dinner date? Book club? Bitching sessions about neighbors, co workers et al? Sure!

B-Best friend: J & my brother

C-Cake or Pie? Chocolate cake. Or sponge cake with whipped cream frosting. Yumm!

D-Drink of choice: Water. And tea.

E-Essential thing used everyday: TLC from J and hugs and smiles from M and S :D

F-Favourite colour: Soft Pearly white, turquoise, Rusty-orange. Most pastel shades. I lurrve the colors on DotMom's new template!

G-Gummi bears or worms: None. Have eaten both and don’t care for either of them.

H-Hometown: Mharo pyaro Jodhpur :P (My lovely Jodhpur)

I-Indulgence: An uninterrupted cup of hot tea with the morning newspaper on a Saturday (or Sunday – never both – that would be a miracle :P) morning.

J-January or February: February. The month is shorter :P

K-Kids and names: Two daughters – Mitthi and Ninni. And their wacky names.

L-Life: Norman Vincent Peale said "Live your life and forget your age". On a much lighter note though, this is what I feel sometimes - "Life would be much easier if I had the source code" (Source unknown - found it here)

M-Marriage date: December 3, 1995.

N-Number of siblings: 1. This one.

O-Oranges or apples: Apples. One (almost) every day. But I like Baby Carrots better.

P-Phobias: Numerous. I am “Mr. Monk” :D But otherwise I am quite fearless :P

Q-Quote: The one that I once blogged about – When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

R-Reason to smile: Life. And my silly J and S, and my sweet M.

S-Season: Fall and Early Spring.

T-Tag three people: Neera, Y, LastByte and Chandni. What? That's not three?? Oops!! :D

U-Unknown fact about me: shall remain so forever :P

V-Vegetable you do not like: Celery.

W-Worst habit: Procrastination.

X-x-rays you have had: Dental, back, knee and hand. Probably should have had one for head too – but then one doesn’t need an X-ray to determine I am whacko :P

Y-Your favorite food: Food!!

Z-Zodiac: Leo.

There! All done! You happy now, DotMom and Parul? Now leave me some real comments please :P

Oh these 9 year olds!!

I spent a better part of my morning listening to a 9 year old chant "bon appetit" endlessly. Once every 2 seconds. No amount of explaing that this is not how the word is pronounced stopped her! Oh well! My day can only get bettter from here on. I certainly hope so. She did promise me that she will continue to chant it in the evening when I get back home. I hope she'll forget :D

Updated on Feb 14th: She remembered!

'Coz love isn't bound by special days

I was saving this post for Father's Day. I wanted to write it last year for Father's day and then for my father's birthday, but was extremely busy with a new baby. I am now sorry that I waited for a "special" day instead of just writing what I felt, when I felt it. Now I am rectifying that mistake. So, here's to you dad!

You have been the guiding light in my life. I have learnt life's many lessons from you. I am the person I am today, because of you (and Ma). I am the parent I am todaye, because of you (and Ma). And I hold dear the values that I do today, because of you (and of course, Ma!) Not a day goes by when I don't remember something you taught or said to me. My daughters have you to thank for a mom who yells less and less each day. You don't remember, do you?

It was when S was little - barely a year old. You had seen how I sometimes got impatient with her. You never criticized me but sent me a gentle email recounting your own experiences as a parent. In that email you told me how you sometimes felt bad for the times when you yelled at me or my brother when we were little. You told me how that guilt never leaves one alone. And you urged me to be more patient with S for her sake, and for mine as well. Because you knew the guilt WILL strike one day. I didn't implement on your advice right away, but it set me thinking. And slowly, over the years, I have been trying to improve myself. I try to yell less and understand more. I try to be patient. The turning point came a few years ago when I suddenly realized that in the 35 years of my life, you hadn't shouted at me ONCE. Or hit me, for that matter. Of course, you told me and Ma tells me that you yelled at me when I was little but I have no recollection of it. And that made me realize what S was missing out on. A peaceful childhood. One free of all yelling. THAT made me want to change. I wanted to give my daughter the same childhood I'd had - free of yelling and free of any hitting. You'll be glad to know Pa, that I am trying my hardest to change. I have changed a lot. I do yell sometimes. But it has gotten more infrequent. And if and when I do yell, I apologize to S.

That's another thing I learnt from you. Accepting one's mistakes and taking responsibility for it. It has made me a better person. It has kept my conscience guilt-free. I recently made a mistake at work. I could have easily blamed it on someone else but my conscience didn't allow me to. So, I accepted it and apologized for it. That, I believe, makes me trustworthy in other people's eyes. I don't hesitate in saying sorry to S, or to J (well, you know, not so easily to J but that is another matter :P). I remember many times in my childhood when you would accept that you were wrong and say sorry for that. Easily. Without any ego. Over time I realized not all parents do that. Many parents wouldn't accept their mistake, leave alone saying sorry for that. For many parents, just the fact that they are parents, means they are infallible. For them, parents are always right and it is always the children's fault. Not in our family. Do you know it made me a better person? It did.

Another thing you taught me was to learn from my mistakes. That is a hard lesson to learn Pa, but from you it came effortlessly. Remember that time when I scored a mere 1.5 out of 20 in a class test in Math? You could have ranted and raved, yelled, taken away privileges, even sent me to bed without food. After all, no one in our family had failed so miserably before. But you did none of that. Instead, you sat down with me and went over each question discussing how to solve it and telling me not to repeat that mistake again. It is another matter that, in doing so, we came upon a question that was correct and had not been checked and I ended up with 12 (or 15 - I don't remember) marks out of 20 eventually. What I learned that day was no matter how much you screw up, you can always start afresh and get better by not making the same mistake twice. I try to teach my daughters the same thing. I also vaguely remember that once, when I was in fifth grade I hid my report card because I had failed General Knowledge (that subject, and the way it was taught, never did interest me). You found the report card when you came home. I don't remember how you reacted but I do remember that you were very hurt. That taught me not to do it again. I didn't learn it right then, as I continued to hide random things from you but eventually I did realize that it is easier on my conscience if I don't hide things from you and Ma.

When I was in 9th grade, I mentioned to a friend's dad how we (my brother and I) had fooled you on April Fool's day. He replied he wouldn't stand that kind of behavior from his kids. I was surprised because you had laughed when we did that. This kind of attitude was new to me. And then it struck me - not everyone knows how to laugh at themselves. You do. And it is a very endearing quality. It makes you more loveable. I learnt that from you too - being able to laugh at myself. I am losing that and need to work more on that, and I think I can do that. It is one more thing I want my daughter's to experience.

These are just a few examples of how you have made my life richer. I could go on and on. I have lived almost 38 years after all, and lived 22 of those with you. My life is full of lessons learnt from you (and Ma). I know I am blessed for it. You know you and I butt heads over the smallest of things even now, and that amazes me. I mean, I could never tolerate that from my daughters. But you do and it is not because you are a weak parent. You are tough when the occasion demands it. But you also knew when to let us go, when to give us wings. All my life, I have deeply appreciated the fact that you and Ma never imposed your wish on me or my brother the way many other parents do. Yes, you restricted us from doing many things because you were trying to do what was best for us. But when it came to life's big decisions, you let us decide for ourselves, and you stood by us. We are stronger and more secure in our worlds because of that.

I remember all the sacrifices you made for us too. You had to struggle a lot in life, I know that. But you never let us see even an iota of tough times. You planned everything so well that my brother and I never had to worry about the cost of our studies. I now realize what a blessing it was to be able to study without having to worry about the tuition. I remember how you bought my brother a jacket (which he needed) by cancelling your plans to buy shoes for yourself. We could only afford one and you put his needs before your own without making him feel guilty. I remember how, when I came back after doing my Master's, you gave me your scooter so I could go to work. You rode the bicycle to work every day. You, an Assistant Director in the Board of Technical Education, Rajasthan at that time.

There are so many memories that I could go on and on without ever stopping. Maybe, I'll write another post. And another. Or a book. Because there is no way I can fit all that in one measly post!

Dear Pa, I am sorry for all the trouble and lip I gave you all these years. But I want you to know that I feel blessed to have a father like you.

The indecisive Kays

In a recent post I mentioned that we have been looking at other daycares and that we like a particular one. We had made up our minds to send M there after two weeks (we wanted to extend the courtesy of a two week notice to the current daycare). I would have gone there and paid the registration fees if I had the time. I was worried that all their spots will fill up and we will miss out on a golden opportunity. Even though the last time I spoke with them they told me they had 6 open spots. Yes, I am impatient like that. But I do have some sense - really I do! And what I lack in that department, is made up for by J. He has loads of it! So that sense directed us to think, think and think before we gave the current daycare the two weeks' notice. And think we did.

We finally decided today that we are not moving M to the new daycare. Even though that daycare is far better as far as facilities, programs and location is concerned. And we are sure their care-providers are all very nice and gentle. They seemed that way when I met them during my visit. So, if this daycare is better in every aspect than the current one, then why aren't we sending M there? Because her current care-providers really, really care for her. What they lack in facilities, they make up for in the "love" department. M's face lights up when she sees them in the morning. They care enough to talk to us for as long as necessary to give us "M updates". They remember to call me and update on her condition if I ask them to. Now, in our opinion, no program, no facility, no gym can compete with that. I just hope we made the right decision. We WILL send M to the other daycare when she is ready to move to the next level (in about 4-6 months, or hopefully before that) because her care providers will change after that anyway. She can go to the next level as soon as she is weaned off of the bottle and can walk. Hopefully the other daycare will still have openings then.

What do you all think? Are we making a mistake? Frank opinions, please!

To "thoo" or not to "thoo"*, that is the question

OKAY, cheesy title I know. But yes, that IS a dilemma I sometimes face. You see, I do not believe in the evil eye or "nazar". My mom managed to bring me and my brother up without having to resort to any means to ward off the evil eye. We actually made fun of the various practices (Quietly, among ourselves. We weren't rude enough to do it in front of the believers). I and my brother grew up to be fairly normal individuals, I believe (though you will probably find plenty of individuals contesting that claim). All I know is - we did fall sick but we didn't need any "special measures" to get over it. Just some TLC and plain old medicines. Actually my mom's favorite remedy for colds and coughs was warm water. It is mine too. And my daughter now automatically asks for a glass of warm water if she feels the sniffles coming on or a tickle in her throat. And for skin problems we relied on the good ol' neem tree in our back (side?) yard. Cloth strips soaked in cold water for high fever and so on. But I never saw my mom muttering under her breath waving a fistful of salt around us. Or do any other such stuff. We were never taken to the "tantrik" to get some "jhad-phoonk" done. We thought the only use for nimbu mirchi was in dal-ka-tadka :) In fact, come to think of it, I never saw anyone else in our colony doing any of this stuff and that is why I found it extremely weird the first time I encountered it at my in-laws' place. I never made fun of it, but I made it known clearly that I didn't believe in that stuff.

So when I had my first daughter, every time her dadi asked me to ward off the evil eye, I asked her to do it herself. Or asked her to tell my husband to do it. I stopped putting a kala-tika on her forhead as soon as I could. I never tied a black thread around her waist. And I believe, despite the various problems she has faced (alopecia, dental stuff), that she is a fairly normal kid with fairly normal problems. I have butted heads with a dear friend a number of times over this. He seriously believes in this stuff. He has asked me a number of times why I don't. And he has even said I should do it as it is my duty as a mother. When I told him to teach my husband, he said it is effective only if the mother (or the lady of the house) does it. [I am not even making this up!] Now I find that concept strange and kind of amusing (now that I seem to have gained some maturity - earlier I would have gone ballistic shouting "gender-discrimination"), to put it very mildly. Why would evil eye discriminate between genders? How does it matter who is casting it off as long as the correct procedure is being followed? Doesn't make sense to me. BUT - not the point of this post so moving on!

So now, as I wrote yesterday - M has been going through repeated bouts of diarrhea. Yesterday J and I were seriously and sincerely discussing if we should do some of the "nazar utarna" stuff! Today she had diarrhea again. I am still of the opinion that it isn't necessary. And I absolutely respect other people's opinions if they believe in this. I just don't want it to be pushed on me. I told J he should do it if he wants to. It does make me wonder sometimes, but I haven't converted yet! And please, don't try to convert me. I'll respect your beliefs if you respect mine.

[*Saying "Thoo-thoo", as if one is spitting, is a simple, quick and efficient way to ward off evil eye followed by many people - even my boss who is not Indian!]

Sunshine state

Well, no. We are not going to Florida for a vacation. And this post is not about Florida either. it is about the state my mind is in today - the "sunshine" state. Even though it is cloudy and grey and cold outside, it is warm and sunny in my mind. Ever have that feeling?

For the last 2-3 weeks Baby M has been having "on again, off again" bouts of diarrhea. She first caught a stomach bug when she started daycare. I wrote about that in my Month seven update. Then, as we were settling down in our new routine after my parents left, she got it again. The last time I took her to the doctor's office, she told us to keep her away from dairy or, if that was not entirely possible, to give her diluted formula. We did that - diluted her formula because that was better than completely starving her. She held that well. So we continued for another 4-5 days and when she had gone 2 days without a watery poop (ughhh! Gross! Click on that X fast!!) and without throwing up for more than 2 days, we decided it was time to switch back to regular consistency for formula. The diarrhea came back within a day. We thought she hadn't gotten over the bug in the first place so we went back to Pedialyte (J calls it Pee-Delite - can you believe it? This man can distort the best of names!) and bananas and diluted formula. After doing two more rounds of that I began to think it was a bacterial infection (because viral infection would eventually go away) that was doing the rounds of her daycare. Almost made up my mind to harass the pediatrician at 12 in the morning. Then thought some more and deduced that if it were a bacterial infection, it would have been accompanied by fever and/or vomiting. And she wouldn't have been the happy, active baby that we were seeing each day despite the diarrhea (yep - she is a trooper). She would have been sicker than she seemed at that time. Then I thought maybe the daycare wasn't following proper hygiene in changing diapers etc. but again that pointed to a bacterial infection which I had just ruled out with my "vast" medical knowledge. And her daycare is clean, if not super clean. I don't believe in sterilizing every single thing anyway - but that is material for another post. The only thing that bugs us is that some parents walk all over the rug that the babies play/crawl/lay/sit on with their shoes on, thus tracking mud/debris/dirt from outside. This IS a potential health risk but Baby M isn't crawling yet. OK - more on this later in the post...

M's daycare providers even mentioned Acid Reflux being a possibility but since she wasn't throwing up everything I put it at the end of my lists of possiblities to consider. I noticed one thing - M would throw up formula but she mostly kept the solids down. Or she would have a watery bowel movement after drinking formula but a normal one after eating solids. That made me suspicious that she might have lactose intolerance. Strangely this time I haven't been on the net researching all these possibilities. It is partly due to the fact that I have "grown up" as a parent and don't freak out like I used to and partly due to the fact that I am soooper busy so had no time.

Today I took her to the pediatricians' to discuss this with them and the doctor agreed with me right away that all symptoms point to it being lactose intolerance. When I asked her why she didn't have these symptoms with diluted formula, she said sometimes our body has tolerance for certain levels of lactose and cannot tolerate anything above those levels. Maybe M's body can tolerate the amount that she was ingesting in the diluted formula. The doctor also said that a stomach bug can sometimes trigger temporary lactose intolerance too. That was something I didn't know. I sure am going to research more on this issue. So, now we are going to start her on soy-based formula and see what happens. If that helps, it is definitely lactose intolerance. If not, we go back with a sample of her stool so more tests can be run. I am keeping fingers, toes and eyes crossed for the first possibility.

Strangely, instead of feeling smug about having made a correct guess, or that the doctor thinks I am correct, all I feel is relief. That is where the sunshine is coming from. The warm, soothing sunshine of relief.

There are a LOT of things to mention. I meant to write a post earlier and started it too, but it is still in drafts because of all that has been going on. I wasn't a mess exactly but every Friday for the last 3 weeks I have been making the decision to "quit my job next week". Once I came to the verge of calling up my boss right then and telling him that I won't be coming in on Monday. And anyone who has read my take on the WOHM issue would know that is a BIG decision for me. I didn't believe that it was happening because I am working but I did believe that I am the only one who can make this (stomach upsets) disappear for good with the kind of care ONLY I can provide. J even made fun of me for this last week :(

OK - now on to more cheerful updates. Baby M is getting ready to crawl!!! She balances herself on her hands and knees and stays that way as if trying to decide which direction to go in. She still doesn't sit up by herself though - lazy bum!! She flips over on to her tummy very easily and very non-chalantly now. Reaches for and grabs and pulls things towards her. About a week or so ago J caught her inspecting her toe closely. She had grabbed it and brought it as close to her eyes as possible and was closely inspecting how it wiggled! She wiggled it and looked at it with fascination as if trying to connect the two things - wiggling and the moving. I noticed her doing the same thing yesterday morning again. And now she "silently" creeps up behind me in her walker when I work in the kitchen and tries to grab my trousers or thigh. She also understands "No" - and chooses to ignore it at times :P

She likes to fip over on her tummy and sleep that way now. But sometimes she isn't comfortable and then I have to turn her back to her side and then she goes back to sleep right away. She also has been trying to grab hold of the side railing on her crib to try and get up. She pushes down the bumper and cranes her neck to see if we are awake and paying attention to her. Strangely, if we are asleep, she goes back to playing and cooing by herself. If she catches one of us looking at her she wants to be picked up immediately.

M loves bathtime. That has been confirmed. As soon as I finish her massage and go into the bathroom to prepare for her bath, the look on her face changes to that of anticipation. And now she even likes the shower. Doesn't make a fuss even when water runs over her nose and mouth. Just gasps lightly and thats it!

Just two days back, as soon as I entered the driveway of M's daycare, she got excited and started cooing and "singing". It melted away a big piece of the guilt I sometimes nibble at when I am on one of my guilt trips. She is trying to "speak" now too. Last weekend she discovered that she could touch her tongue to the top of her upper gums and produce the "La" sound. We spent the whole day listening to her go "Lalalalalala" :D

What else? What else?

Oh yes! I have been looking at daycares. When M was going through reapeated bouts of diarrhea, I made up my mind to look for another one. A coworker mentioned that her daughter's daycare has a special drop-off section and if parents want to go in the main area, they are required to take their shoes off. I decided to look at other daycares and see if any in our area implemented that policy. Then later as I began thinking this may be a lactose intolerance issue, I thought maybe I should let her stay and not put her through the trauma of adjusting to new place and new people. But in the end we decided I should at least go take a look so today I visited two daycares. I LOVED BOTH OF THEM!! Not only do they have a "no shoes in infant rooms" policy, they have many other features which make them waaay better than the current one. I do like the care-providers at the current daycare and M obviously loves them because she is happy to see them in the morning. But having seen the other daycares, I have realized what we are missing here. One of them, which has IMMEDIATE OPENING, even has a FULL GYM with thick mattresses for the kids to jump on and balance beams for older kids etc.!! OMG - I am soooo excited :P They have a better, structured program even for infants and their facilities are more bright, airy, clean and spacious. And not to forget secure. One of them has locked doors and parents have to be buzzed in while the other one has a front office that every one has to go through in order to get to the rooms where babies/kids stay. So we have to make a decision on that front, and fast!

Oh, and she now plays Peekaboo! She pulls up her blanket over her eyes and waits for a few seconds then slowly lowers it and looks at us with an impish grin. As soon as I say "Peekaboo!!" her grin turns into a W I D E smile. Sometimes when I say "Ninni, Peekaboo karo", she does this as if she understands what I am saying.

So this was how M's 8th month went. She is 8 months old today. Gosh! I don't know where these 8 months went. Do you?

Learning to eat the humble pie is no easy task

Watched two people closely in work-related interactions lately. Person One (PO) was rude, arrogant, over-confident, knows-just-enough-to-cause-trouble kind, childish and a bully to some extent. Person Two (PT) was professional, humble, rational, tolerant, patient, ready to accept own mistakes and willing to learn more from others. PT extended a courteous apology to PO even though what PO accused PT of, was not PT's fault. PO's level in the organization and contacts with people high up the corporate ladder "warranted" it plus the apology prevented a bad situation from escalating to "ugly" (for our team). I have a LOT to learn from PT.

Seen in the fridge in my company's kitchen

People in my office certainly have a good sense of humor :)

Hello everyone,

Mom and Dad are waging a cold war. We just wanted to take the opportunity and broadcast this over the whole Internet because Mom would never do that herself :D Mom is sulking and Dad is fuming. Mom says Dad has been behaving like a 14 year old bully. Of course, Mom can call Dad any name because this is Mom's blog. She says if Dad wants to call her names, he can go get his own blog. We don't know annnnnything about this but it may have something to do with both of them being dead tired. Dad has been running around like crazy - he didn't even get to rest over the weekend. And Mom was nauseous and dizzy with exhaustion yesterday and Dad didn't notice. Hmmmm. Could that be the reason they are cranky?? Mom says her blog will return to regular programming once she has sorted this out (We say she will start blogging much before that. But then you never know because these two were never very good at waging cold wars. They give up too easily, if you ask us!)

OK - now we gotta run! Ciao!!

S and Baby M

Update: Mom and Dad sorted it out. (YAY!!!!) Told ya! They can NEVER continue a cold war for more than a few hours, or maybe half a day at the most. And the "half a day" part is true when one of them is stuck in a meeting and cannot call the other. So anyway, Mom called, left a message for Dad. Dad called back but Mom was busy so she forwarded the call to voicemail. Then Mom called Dad back and that is when they hashed it out :) All's well in the Kay-ville.

You never know until you try

In the new year, I tried something new. Nothing sensational, just something I hadn't tried before. Something I never thought I'd try. I borrowed a Book on CD from our local library and listened to it on my half hour twice daily commute to and from work. The book I listened to was "Memoirs of a Geisha".

I did like the storyline and everyday looked forward to the next opportunity that I could listen to those CDs. I even began to carry the whole case to my office every day so I could listen to them while at work. I stuck to my rule of never bringing the CDs home because I knew then I'd be a total mess ignoring all household work, listening to the CDs. The material was such that I couldn't listen to the CDs with my daughter around. So car and office it was.

It was a BIG change from reading. Though I liked the story, I still haven't made up my mind regarding the medium itself. I love reading. It is the act of reading that I sometimes love more than the book or the story itself. Poring over each word, picturing each scene in my mind, imagining how the characters look, how a particular scene played out, even going back to check and recheck the spellings of some words - particularly names that I stumble upon for the first time. Yes, that is one of my quirks (reminds me - I have a pending tag for that!) - I HAVE to know the correct spelling of each and every place and character's name. And this proved to be problematic while listening to the book on CD. Was it "Kyoto" or "Kioto"? Was it "Sayori" or "Sayuri"? Small details like that. I did manage to find out when I Googled the title of the book and landed on its entry in Wikipedia. And only then did I find peace :P

Overall, I feel I would have enjoyed the story more if I had read the book. But as I don't have time even to read the comics section in the daily newspaper, this was the best I could do to catch up on my "reading". I am reserving comment on whether I like Books on CDs/Tapes or not until I try it once more. Maybe it was the story itself that was not very conducive to listening vs. reading. So, I have put another book on tape on hold in the local library. Now if only I could find the time to go and pick it up.

This one is for my not-so-little-anymore brother

It is his birthday today. And I have been missing him, and the growing-up-together we did, very poignantly lately. He used to be my best bud. Still is. Only now he shares that title with my husband. But he is one of the ONLY TWO people I can tell everything to. He is non-judgmental, mature (more than MY 37 year old self) and the kindest, gentlest person I have ever known. Oh, and did I forget sooper intelligent? Yes! He is an aeronautical engineer, did his B.Tech from IIT Mumbai, topped his department and won the President's Silver Medal for that. I was actually pissed that he didn't get the gold medal. At the President. My brother absolutely deserved it. TOI ran an article on him when he graduated because he was one of those few graduates who wanted to stay back in India and do something for his country. He plays tennis and runs in Mumbai half marathon. This, despite having a serious back problem. He injured his back during the last semester in college and didn't pay attention to it because he was busy with studies. He was bed-ridden for over two months and has consulted many doctors. He still plays and treks and runs. Seriously, I do not know anyone braver and tougher than he is. In short, he is everything I am not.

Once, when we were still in college, an acquaintence mentioned how I must be jealous of him because he had just gotten into IIT. I couldn't understand that. I was, and still am, proud of him. Jealousy doesn't figure in our relationship. We don't do sibling rivalry either.

There are so many memories that came flooding back with this post. But I am not going to write all of those. They are for me and him to cherish personally. I just wish we could get together for a week and chat endlessly about everything under the sun - just like old days when I used to take a few days off from work whenever he was in town, so we could stay up late at night and chat. Or maybe I will write a post about those memories - just to record those golden days. For now, little brother, just know that I love you and miss you. And I wish you ALL that you ever wanted - on this birthday and forever.

Never say 'NO'?

Disclaimer: I am not criticizing any parent (unless they are from the group of NON-parents that I have written about in some posts) But please remember - these are my personal views and I don't mean to impose them on anyone.

Updated to add: Tania left me a thought provoking comment for this post. I enjoyed replying to her comment and then I also decided to include her comment and my reply to it in this post. Why? Because I had completely forgotten to include these points, that Tania raised, in my post. And they are very relevant to the subject matter being discussed. Please scroll to the end of this post to see the added comments.

Sometime back I had an argument with a friend. She said one SHOULD say "NO" to kids whenever needed. How else will they learn that life doesn't always give you what you want? How else will you know that you have to deal with disappointments every once in a while? She said hearing "NO" often makes a child realize that that he/she is not the center of the universe and that it prepares them to face real life when they grow up.

I agreed with most of what she said. But I said one should cloak that "NO" in a "YES". I feel that if a child hears "NO" often, he/she learns to tune it out. And that hearing "NO" endlessly through the day is bound to frustrate a child. Agreed that children do things they are not supposed to do one after the other in quick succession. What is a parent to do? We can't just let them do what they want just so they won't have to hear the word "NO" over and over. (Though I have seen many NON-parents do exactly that) But I also believe that instead of saying "NO" over and over like a stuck record, it is better to physically remove the child from the location or distract him/her or take the main temptation away. And it is OK to let them cry for a few minutes if the distraction strategy fails. (Yup! I am heartless)

My friend and I disagreed so much on this issue that we simply agreed to disagree on it and left it at that. I have been thinking of writing on this matter for quite some time and finally today I think the time has come to put down my thoughts on this blog and have the last say in the matter against my friend :D

I absolutley do not mean that one should not say 'no'. I am just saying that sometimes while saying 'no' we should make the child believe we just said 'yes'. How? When S was little, I used to do this all the time. I really feel that how a sentence is interpreted very much depends on how positively (or not) the sentence is said. Take a look at these examples -

Yes, we'll buy that toy some other time.

No, we can't buy that toy right now.

Yes, you can have potato chips as soon as you finish this cucumber.

No you cannot have potato chips. you have to finish this cucumber first.

Yes, we will go to the park as soon as you finish your dinner.

No, we aren't going to the park until you finish your dinner.

Yes, I'll give you candy after you finish your lunch.

No, you cannot have candy. Finish your lunch first!

And more recently -

Yes, we will think about getting you a laptop when you are a little older.

No, you cannot get a laptop until you are a little older.

And,

Yes, an iPod sounds fun, but we'll think about it.

You can't have an iPod for Christmas. We'll have to think about it first.

I don't know about you, but if these sentences were spoken to me, I would defintiely be more receptive to the first sentence each time. In the last two examples, there might be follow-up questions as to what the exact timing for the "think" will be. In that case I wouldn't be vague or untruthful. I would just say I don't know the exact age when that would be allowed but we will definitely revisit the issue in future.

Now there are certain occasions when you just cannot cloak a 'no' in any way, shape or form. A 'no' has to be said and there is no other way around it. I say, go ahead and say it. I never said one should NEVER say 'no'. A child should understand 'no'. But they don't have to hear that frickin' word 138 times a day!

With S, I reserved "NO" for special occasions. When it was absolutley necessary that my "NO" be heard and paid attention to. For I believe that overuse of a thing may make it seem unimportant.

S has always been a manageable child. It is not that I never had to say 'no' to her, but whenever I said it she did listen. Or I made her listen. I remember this incident and I just recounted it to S a few days ago. She was about a year old. We had baby-proofed our apartment adequately but I still kept a watchful eye on her at all times because really, you haven't seen "overactive imagination" until you have seen mine in play, running through thousands of what-if worst case scenarios at any given moment. One day, S managed to pull out the cover of an electrical outlet. She then called me over, gave me a naughty smile and proceeded to insert her finger in one of the holes. I yelled "NO!", gave her a slap and yanked her away from there in a matter of seconds. She never did that again.

I have a few friends who yell 'no' so many times at their kids that frankly, if I were their kid, I would have stopped listening to them a long time ago too. And one funny thing is - the parents who yell "NO" the loudest (barring those who are yelling in panic or in an emergency situation) are the ones who just sit on their asses and yell 'no' to stop a kid who is running wild around the room. It is hard work, but walking (or running - as the case may be) up to your kid, holding his/her hand and firmly, but quietly saying 'no' works better than yelling it from across the room. And it helps if you can back up your 'no' with a valid reason or explanation. Though you have to understand that this approach isn't going to work wonders within minutes. It takes time. And effort.

We were just recently visited by a friend who has a 20 month old son who is used to getting what he wants and when he wants it. We spent the whole day listening to a whiny, crying, screaming toddler. This was the pattern that repeated itself the whole day -

Toddler sees laptop.

Toddler wants to play with laptop.

Toddler hears 'no'.

Toddler starts whining.

Toddler then starts clawing at the said laptop.

The laptop is put away high on the dining table.

Toddler goes up to the dining table and starts crying for the laptop.

Mom goes up to the toddler and says 'no'.

Toddlre starts screaming and stomping his foot.

Now replace the word "laptop" with phone, remote (3 different ones), cellphone (3 different ones), hot tea, car keys (2 sets) and a heavy glass candle holder. (I think I have forgotten a couple more items but that's OK - you get the picture). Repeat the scene for each item with the volume one note higher each time and you can imagine our frayed, insane selves clawing at our ears to make the noise stop. I mean, this kid just does not know the meaning of 'no'. And I don't blame him. It is his parents' job to make him understand. His father proudly proclaimed that at home he gets what he wants ( जो चाहिऐ वो लेकर ही दम लेता है - he stops only after he gets what he wants) We were informed that he created a similar scene for his uncle's phone and his uncle HAD to give up the phone to make him stop crying. I don't know if I'd be proud of something like this but I have seen plenty of parents (even in our own family) who are.

On the other hand, we were visited by a 2 year old and his parents when I was almost full-term pregnant. He wanted to play with the shiny rocks that I had in a candle holder on a table. His parents let him take out 2 rocks, helped him play with them to make sure he didn't break the glass-top table and made him put them back in the candle holder before they left. Now THAT is the kind of parenting that teaches kids their limits, I believe.

I don't care if kids break something while visiting us. I always say - things are meant to be broken and I don't fret about something that I can easily replace. If I own something that I know I can't easily replace, I keep it out of reach of children when they visit us. But I don't believe phones, cellphones, keys and laptops are to be used as toys. S didn't get to play with them. M doesn't get to play with them either. The TV remotes attract her so I am thinking of cleaning up an old remote, that we don't use any more, and giving it to her so she can play with it. But she is NOT getting her grubby little hands on the real remote! She loves to claw on my laptop but I don't let her touch it. The day she throws a tantrum for it, I will keep it firmly out of her reach and demostrate that this is something she is NOT getting.

As a parent it is my job to make my kid understand that a 'no' means no. At the same time, I should also be mindful of the fact that if I were to hear 'no' every time I tried to do something fun (in my opinion) it would irritate me no end. So, I have to find ways of keeping 'no' to a minimum. Or be really good at distracting my kid. And be firm. I can't say enough about the importance of firmness. In peaches and in parenting.

Tania said...

CK

The scenarios that you mention in your YEs context are all "Yes we will do this IF you finish the other" And the big thing here is IF that you are rewarding the child for the regular tasks that he/she needs to do. About getting toys or electronics(it depends on if it is really needed or is it a big no no for his/her age).My daughter talks about getting for us a bigger car since all her friends come in bigger cars.What do you say then?I explain that we are replacing the biggercar with something like a IVY league tuition. And then how do you handle other scenarios where "I need that becuase someone else has it".We get her new things every year and we also make it a point that if she has not played with something for a year/ we donate it.

When she was an infant,I was told to let her explore until situations that are dangerous(the plug point for example)But what do you do with a child that puts a sandwich inside a VCR? And someone who wants a cellphone at 6?

We had a debate about this in a forum that I visit and IMHO saying No is OK if you have explained the reason and not because you are the parent.

My reply...

Tania: Thanks for airing this POV! I totally had forgotten to cover this in the post. As I said, it has been so long since I needed to apply all these strategies (now they are firmly in place and a way of life with us) that I have forgotten most of what I did.

First of all - I DON'T believe in rewarding a child for something they should be doing anyway like eating their food or helping around the house. I don't believe in "paying" kids to get them to help around the house. Maybe a little motivation but NO material rewards. I have a coupon book and I hand out some coupons (e.g. coupons for a BIG BEAR HUG, DINNER OF YOUR CHOICE, PICK THE MOVIE FOR MOVIE NIGHT, AN HOUR PAST BEDTIME etc.) to S every now and then for random reasons.

Yes, all the scenarios came out as if I reward good behavior with material rewards. I should have taken my time to think of other examples too. My idea was to show how I helped my daughter develop patience and how I didn't cater to the "right-now" urge that every child has.

Toys/electronics/"things" - We usually buy her big ticket items only twice a year. Once on her birthday, and on Christmas. At all other times, she has to "earn" them. E.g. she can buy a book or a board game when she clears a level in KUMON. And when we do buy her new toys/items (even on birthdays and Christmas), we donate a random number (3,5,8,10 - whatever mommy dearest thinks is an appropriate number for that time) of toys to charity. Or we at least put them away for the baby.

We never catered to "I need that because someone else has it" argument from S and she knows she cannot use it with us. And we lead by example on this one - there are a lot of things many of our friends have that we would love to have - including a bigger, fancier car - but don't buy because we don't need them. Almost all of S' friends have been to Disney world, while we haven't. She has brought it up a few times and we have told her we will go when we can afford to spend the time and money. Same goes for rules - she understands from an early age that her friends may have different rules at their homes and while she may not be allowed to do certain things, her friends may be, and vice versa.

In regards with exploring, I agree with you. Allow them to explore as long as they are not doing something dangerous. As for the sandwich example, I would say make the child sit in one place and eat her meal? S was ALWAYS put in a high chair at meal times - and later always sat at the dining table - and was not allowed to roam around while eating. I always treated mealtime as a time when she needs to focus on eating and not as something she could do while playing. But that is material for another post that deals with developing good eating habits because, in my mind, I would have said No long before my child put the sandwich in the VCR. I would have said No when she tried to walk around with her food. (I did - S has tried doing all those things that any normal, boisterous child would do)

She did ask us for a laptop and an iPod this year (similar to a 6 year old wanting a cell phone, I think) and I said no. Explained my reasons to her too. I never said parents should never say no. Distracting, cloaking No with a Yes, saying No with explanations for the reason behind it and sometimes just saying No (yes there ARE a few such times in every parent's life, I believe) all go together as a SET of strategies. None of them is sufficient by its lonesome self. You have to use different strategies at different times for different kids.

Whew!! What a long comment! Please do let me know if you manage to get through it without falling asleep :D And thanks for bringing these points up.

From the mouth of babes

We spent Christmas afternoon at a good friend's house. She had invited another friend's family over and we exchanged gifts for the kids. All of us have two kids each so we picked two kids (one from each family) and bought gifts for them. The gender distribution worked out well too as one friend has two boys and the other one has a boy and a girl. So, each family bought gifts for one boy and one girl. A good time was had by all, specially the kids.

I sat down with baby M in their living room to give her the bottle. My friend's 4 year old son, Little A, stood by us and watched intently. Then we had the most hilarious conversation. This is how it went -

Little A: This is HER bottle?

I: Yes

Little A: Can I touch HER?

I: Yes, gently.

Little A: Is HER hungry?

I: (With a smile) Yes

So, when he touched M's foot, she gave him a big smile.

Little A: HER is smiling!!

I just laughed till tears rolled down my eyes. His mom is teaching him the difference between saying "him" and "her" these days. I must say he is a quick learner :D

Later Little A went to his mom and whispered in her ear "Can we BUY the baby?" When his mom said "No, we cannot buy the baby!" he thought hard for a minute and then asked "OK. So can we KEEP her then?"

Real smart, buddy!!

Seriously now...

You don't know that you can hit "Enter" right after typing in your username and password and that you don't have to drag your mouse to that "OK" button and click it to log in. You press spacebar when I say "Enter". And you want me to believe that you have spent the last 15 years (or maybe more) in IT? Doing WHAT???

Thank you for indulging me!

A little while back a thought struck me as I stepped off the elevator in front of my office. I translated this thought into the poll above. As you might have already guessed, I had nothing better to do that day. And needless to say, the thought struck me in the first place because I was wearing such a top. It happens to be my favorite top so I continue to wear it even though it either rides up too high for my comfort or revelas too much if I pull it down. (Just for the record, when I first bought it, it fit me perfectly but is struggling to do so now because of the whopping poundage that has crept up :D) While I was pulling it down and then gasping in horror at the resulting cleavage display, I wondered if other women thought like me or if they had other preferences as to what part of their bodies they were more comfortable exposing. Well, as the poll results indicate - neither.

Anyway, my choice was "pull it up". I attribute this choice to the fact that our office has one person whose favorite pastime is to stare at women's chests. At first I thought it was my mistake to assume he does that but then as I spoke to more women in my office about it, the more it became evident that it was not an illusion. And I, of course, take extreme pleasure in denying him that opportunity. But even if not for this little situation, I probably would have chosen this option. And even more interesting is the fact that 2 years ago, I would have chosen the last option - "Wouldn't care". Really. Right now, even though I don't freely admit it, I am very concious of my body. The size and shape that I am in. Yes. I remember my new year's resolution. Why else would people make resolutions to do/achieve something if it were that easily attainable? If you could already do something, you wouldn't be making New Year's resolutions to achieve it.

The most popular choices are interesting to me. 43% people said they wouldn't own it in the first place. 23% said they would throw it away. Only 4 said they wouldn't care. I wish I were one of them but I am not. I am hoping I WILL be in some time. And then God bless anyone who happens to look at my stretch-marked belly or ballooning boobs - they would die of horror, of that I am sure! Or maybe by then I will have a chiseled set of abs and a *ahem* "firm torso" :D [Yeah I know - one person reading this post just went into a coughing, hacking fit of laughter - and that would be J]

Anyway, so this is why this silly little poll originated. I am amazed that 55 (!!) people responded. Thank you, thank you, thank you all! Thank you for indulging this poor little (??) soul!

Close call

Last night, after coming back from work, I gave M her daily massage and bath and left her in the walker while I prepared dinner. J and S were with her in the family room. J had to come into the kitchen to prepare her bed-time bottle of formula just for a couple of minutes and S followed him. J told her she shouldn't leave M alone in a room if we are not around, specially when M is in the walker. We don't leave S to babysit M, but J had left the room thinking S will stay there with M until he came back. So, we were explaining to S why we shouldn't leave M alone in a room when she is in a position to move around (she could pull something heavy over her, take a leaf off of a house plant and put it in her mouth, reach out to something within her reach and put it in her mouth) when J just went in the family room to check on M. She had just plucked a leaf off of a house plant and put it in her mouth and was gagging on it!! I still gives me the shivers to think of what would have happened if J hadn't walked in to check on her. We need to baby-proof our house RIGHT NOW!! By the way, all the various door/cabinet locks and outlet covers have been purchased and are just waiting "implementation". This weekend - I promise!

M is now turning over effortlessly which confirms my belief that she already knew how to do it but just didn't bother. And she is now trying to hold on to things and pull herself up into a standing position. I now believe some people's claim that she will start walking without going through the crawling phase first. This is one gal in a hurry!

Yesterday M took three naps 1 hour and 45 minutes long in total. This is GOOD!! She was napping only for about 15 minutes during the whole day there. This means she is now comfortable and secure enough to take a long nap there. She is already eating and taking the bottle from her care-providers. So now I think she is completely settled in. In fact, she even gave "Miss Carol" a wide, toothless grin this morning when I sat her down in front of a toy and left. This has lifted the cloak of guilt from my heart!

Last week, and the weekend was brutal. I fell sick on Monday, took the day off as I was running a fever. Then returned to work the next day as I could not afford to take any more days off. Just trudged through Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and was looking forward to the weekend. Thursday night, I came home to find that M was sick too. I had passed on my cold to her :( I had to go to a PTO meeting so I left. But I came back as soon as I had presented my report to the members and discovered that M was running a high fever! 102.4!! Panicked thoughts of seizures and frothy mouths and ER visits ran through my mind and called her pediatrician's answering service (it was 10:20 PM). Her pediatrician immediately called me back and told me to give her some Tylenol to bring the temperature down. She was also straining as one does to pass stool when one is constipated (I am not joking) and she continued to do so for good 20-25 minutes. The doctor had no idea why. J had also emailed a friend whom we consult for homeopathy remedies and she emailed us back immediately telling us which remedies to give to M. She even called in a few minutes and when I told her about the straining, she changed the remedy and told me babies sometimes do that if they are having difficulty breathing. As soon as we gave M the remedy my friend suggested, she threw up. We repeated the dose in five minutes and M threw up again. But she seemed much relaxed after throwing up and even stopped straining so we assumed it was a good sign. M's pediatrician called us again at 12:15 am and told us to keep an eye on her and to call him if we noticed any changes for the worse NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF NIGHT IT WAS. I must say - I love the pediatric group we consult for M and S. They are the most professional and kind doctors I have ever met. Even their answering service is kind and professional and believe me when I say this - not every doctor's answering service is like that. My experience says, one can accurately judge a doctor's worth by their answering service and front office staff's attitude.

Next day J and I took the day off. Well, I took the day off because waking up all night with M took its toll on me and pushed me over the edge and I made J take the day off because I didn't feel strong enough to drive m to the doctor's. We took M to the doctor's that morning, and after a checkup we were told that she had no ear-infection (Phew!!) and no chest-congestion (another Phew!!) and it was a viral infection in all probability. No antibiotics were prescribed - and had they even tried, i would have fought vehemently! This is another reason I love this pediatric group so much - all the doctors in this group believe in NOT prescribing too much medicines which agrees completely with my and J's opinion.

All in all, M is fine now. Yesterday her appetite returned. She still has a little bit of cough but slept well last night and was happy this morning.

The last week and the weekend were so bad that I swear I feel like the last week never ended. We just went through a grueling week and stepped into another one without going through the weekend. It was like landing on a "Go to Jail" box or pulling a "Go to Jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200" card in Monopoly.

I had many plans of cleaning and cooking for the entire week during the (last) weekend. And of shopping a bit for essentials. And laundry. We were able to do the shopping but nothing else by end of Saturday. On Sunday, I woke up with the hopes of getting started with all the chores early so I could get everything done and still find time to relax with a cup of tea in the afternoon. Came downstairs to find a glum S. Found out J had discovered lice in her hair which she obviously caught at school. So, there lay our day ahead of us. All planning shot to bits. J went out to get a medicated shampoo to get rid of the lice. I set about gathering EVERY piece of clothing and bedding S had used in the past 2-3 days so I could either seal it up in plastic bags for 2 weeks or wash it in hot water. The whole day went by in a jiffy. I first gave S a much needed haircut - I had been thinking of doing it for a long time. Because of her Alopecia, her hair is growing unevenly and I want to trim the hair to make it look even. Now I wanted to cut it shorter because it would be easier to get rid of the lice. I do have some before and after pictures and will put them up soon but S looks wonderful after the haircut, even if I say so myself! After the haircut and shampoo (even J and I washed our hair with the shampoo because if one person in a family gets lice in their hair, EVERYONE must be treated for it), I was still able to prepare four vegetable dishes for the week. Not bad, I say.

S being S, was VERY upset that she had lice in her hair. I explained to her that it is very common in school age children and is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I had just recently read an article that mentioned lice love a clean head (I did. I swear!) So anyway - she continued to mope around and be generally glum. Then she came to me and asked me if she could Google "lice". I helped her find a kid-friendly article on the hows and whys of getting lice in one's hair and she felt a lot better after reading those articles. In this respect I feel she is like me - I have to have all possible details of any such situation that I might be in. i am glad to report that everyone in the Kay household is lice-free now. And that we will repeat treatment in 7 days just to be sure.

Afterwards, as a courtesy, I called a friend of mine whose daughters ride the bus and play with S, to warn her about the lice and to tell her to make sure her daughters didn't have it. She then told me that she had already treated them TWICE for it and in all probability S caught it from her daughters. It left me wondering if it was too much for me to expect her to call me and inform me so I could take appropriate precautions? I definitely would have appreciated a heads up from her. But anyway - I am sure she didn't hide it on purpose. I think, we Indians associate so much stigma with lice infestations (I remember a friend of mine made fun of me when I caught lice once in my school days) that she felt I will judge her if she told me.

The best question came from my mom when I told her of the "lice saga". She asked "Do you have lice in the US too?" Very innocently. Another funny question I have been asked in the past being - "Have you grown fairer after going to the US?" Upon asking why would that happen, I was told "क्यूंकि अमेरिका में सब गोरे होते हैं" (Because every one in America is fair). I had to remind that person that there are black people in America too :P

Playing Agony Aunt

A friend at work called me to complain about how a task, that used to belong to another colleague ABC, is being assigned to her consistently now. Here is how the conversation went:

Friend: I just wanted to vent. Why to I have to do ABC's job in addition to mine?

Me: Well, what prompted them to assign that task to you at first?

Friend: It happened when ABC made a mistake in carrying out this task and had already left for the day so I was called to help rectify it. You know I ALWAYS send out proper notifications and appropriate phone numbers in case they need further help once I am done with the task. So they like my work, I suppose.

Me: Well, here's an analogy. Suppose I cook a delicious meal for my family one day. What will happen then?

Friend: What?


Me: My family will expect a delicious meal every day for the rest of my life!

Friend: Well, I want this to stop. What should I do?

Me: Stop cooking delicious meals.

Yup - we are wacky like this, my friend and I! Our conversations are wackier.

Mother-daughter moments - 1

Ever since my parents left, our mornings haven't been the same. When mom and dad were here, I used to wake up at 7:30, proceed to get ready leisurely, remind S to get ready fast a few times, give her breakfast, pack our lunch bags and leave, sometimes scrambling - by 8:40. We'd get to the bus stop just a few minutes before the bus got there and I'd start off for work as soon as S got on the bus.

Now we get up by 6:30 or 6:45, play with the baby a little if she is up (or catch another shut-eye for a few more minutes - you know how precious those minutes are!), dress her up, wake S, go downstairs, start making breakfast (dosa, omelet or cereal), pack lunch bags, pack M's diaper bag with the milk bottles and so on. M sits on the floor on a comforter all this while, playing with her Teletubby or drums and occasionally raising her arms to whoever is passing by in the hopes of being picked up by them.

By 7:30 S is downstairs, her breakfast ready. I feed M her breakfast (cereal with formula) at the same time so the sisters can eat together. We usually leave home by 8:10, drop M off at the daycare and get to the bus stop by 8:25 or 8:30. S' bus arrives between 8:51 to 8:55. So we have about 25-30 minutes during which we chat with each other or listen to our favorite songs.

I have come to cherish these moments alone with my older one a lot. We are having conversations we never had the time for. And I feel like I am opening the windows into my mind for her, showing her how I think, what kind of a person I am etc.

The first time we spent this time together, I brought up something that had been nagging at me for quite some time. I didn't know how to broach that subject with S but that day it just seemed like the right occasion. About a year ago, S had commented at how her dad's return from office used to be her favorite time of the day when she was 4-5 years old. Why? Because mommy dearest used to take a nap in the afternoon, leaving S to play with her toys in her room. And S, while playing alone, eagerly waited for daddy to return so she wouldn't be alone anymore. Now, that nap was usually 30-40 minutes and it wasn't like I never talked to S or played with her. But I was depressed during those years and running around all day drained me out completely. Besides, she has been comfortable being alone from the beginning and doesn't mind playing/reading by herself. She never hounds me, like some of her friends hound their moms, saying "I am bored, what should I do?" She finds stuff to do by herself. But this statement from her made me look at things in different light. And I felt pangs of guilt. So I brought this up. I asked her if she still remembered the time. She said yes. I asked her if she thought that made me a bad mommy. She said "No" (Thank heavens!!) I told her if she had told me she was lonely at that time, I would never have left her alone like that. And I said sorry to her. I told her I never meant for her to feel like that. I just wasn't aware of how she felt. And that it didn't mean I didn't love her. I loved her with all my might. After that conversation, my heart is more at peace now.

Then there was the occasion two days ago when we discussed about being kind/nice to people even when we don't like them too much. The day before, I had gone to S' school just talk to her class teacher on how she was doing academically and socially. her teacher said she was doing great academically. She is very good at math (ever notice how I can NEVER let go of a chance to boast about it? :P), her writing skills are very good and most impressively, S was the only one to get a question right in an assessment they had taken that very day on reading skills. Socially? "Well, she is doing good socially. Its only that she is kind of impatient with kids she doesn't like. She may be more curt in answering them or when I ask her to help someone out she lets out a sigh if she doesn't like that person too much. She does help them though". This is what I brought up the next day on the bus stop.

I wasn't upset with her. I guess this is a trait she has picked up from me. I am not like that anymore. But I used to be. So I decided to come clean with her, and tell her a few things so that she would have the opportunity to learn from my experiences. This happened back when I had just finished my Master's and was back in Jodhpur with my parents. I landed a job within the first week of being back and started as an instructor with a Computer training institute. Now a little more background is needed in this context.

I did my Master's from Indore, and stayed with my Tauji (dad's elder brother) for three years. My Tauji is married to my mom's elder sister, my mausi. Now, my stay with them was far from pleasant. Lets say, I was put through the wringer, and then some. To the extent that when my brother saw how they treated me, he came home to my mom and said "इसको बादाम खिला कर वापस भेजना, नही तो ये मर जायेगी वहाँ". (Feed her almonds [for strength] before you send her back, otherwise she won't survive). He didn't mean it literally, but things WERE very bad. Another post on that some other time. So these three years at their place gave me a gift that keeps on giving. Depression. I sincerely believe that my bouts with depression began back then. I would often wonder what kind of a person I had become (bitter, clingy, arrogant) and really didn't have a very high opinion of myself as a "nice" person. Anyway, this personality came out more prominently when I would teach. I would scream like a shrew when a student made repeated mistakes. I would mete out harsh, sarcastic remarks if I felt that my students weren't putting in their hundred percent efforts. Once I had them all come back for an extra class THE SAME DAY on a hot summer day because I felt they weren't sincere enough in their studies.

There was a boy in one of my classes who didn't really have any aptitude for computers, let alone for programming. I once got very frustrated with him and I yelled at him. He stopped coming from the very next day. I feel bad about him to this day. I still maintain that he was not ready for a computer course, but I think I should have handled him in a kinder way. I could have just pulled him aside and said "I think you need to work harder or take a break from computer coaching until you are ready for it". I narrated this incident to S and told her how much I regret having used harsh words for him. And how, I wish I could go back and say "sorry" to him for being such a mean person. I told her all this to highlight the fact that sometimes the mean things you say or do come back to haunt you and you can't always set them right then. I asked her how she would feel if someone behaved with her the same way she behaved with some of her classmates. I also asked her to imagine how a person would feel if he or she really liked her (S) but she was mean to him/her. I think I gave her a lot to think about that morning. And I hope she will learn from my experiences, and learn to be patient even with people she doesn't like.

Then this morning, we talked about compassion. S told me about a girl who said "Its UGLY" (and then laughed) for a drawing S made last year in the after-school program. That really hurt S' feelings. I had no idea how much until she told me this morning "I still remember that and I want to be mean back to her just to make her pay". This little girl (she was 5 when she said those words) - Amy- has not been mean to S in any other way except that single time. I didn't want to get all preachy on S and say how "she shouldn't be mean" and all that stuff. After all, I can very well identify with the urge to get back at someone who has hurt me in some way. But it doesn't mean we should act upon those urges. Instead, I told her about this incident:

S was maybe 4 or 5 years old. We were going out one day when the lady, who lived across from us in the apartment complex we lived in at that time, called out and said a sweet "Hello" to us. S turned to me and said, quite loudly, "I don't like her". I was mortified and immediately chastised her not to say such things because they could hurt some one's feelings. Later on we became very good friends with that neighbor, and she was one of S' favorite neighbors. I asked S if she really meant she didn't like Susan when she said that on that day. I said what her 5 year old mind probably meant was "Since I don't know this lady, how can I like her?" And I said, this is probably why Amy said her drawing was ugly. She didn't quite like it, but didn't know the correct words to express how she felt. So she said "ugly".

I also recounted another recent incident to S. Ani, a friend of S' told her that her name (the friend's) means "beautiful" to which S said "which you are not" and laughed because she thought she had cracked a big joke. The friend's feelings were very hurt obviously, and she complained to her mother who happens to be a very good friend of mine. Her mother called me to tell me of this incident, not to complain but to sit down and talk to S about how it hurt Ani's feelings. I did, and S apologized to Ani and they are back to being great friends. I reminded S that even though she had laughed after her "joke" Ani hadn't found it funny and maybe the same thing happened when Amy said S' drawing was ugly. Maybe she thought she had said something funny. S then understood that the same incident could be interpreted in several different ways and I hope she has overcome the urge to return the mean remark.

I cherish these moments with her when she shares whatever has been on her mind and I talk to her, not as a mother, but as any other person who is sharing something from her life to give some parallels to compare with. And I cherish the moments when the two of us simply sit silently in the car listening to our favorite songs. I am sure there will be many more.

Pity party

My company outsources the software development and help desk functions to an offshore team in India. At any given time, at least one of their team members is here in the US on a project. The person visiting us now is the reason this post happened.

Lets call him M. His wife had a baby boy just before he came here. She went to her parents' place for the delivery and is now back with his parents. He has been here for at least 2 months and is going to be here for another month or so. When we were speaking about this just casually, his way of speaking told me she didn't have much choice. Back in India, he lives and works in Bangalore while the wife lives in Chennai with his parents. He goes home every month or so. As far as I can tell, NO compassion for his wife who is living away from him. And no plans to have her come live with him.

At my company's holiday party, he and I were at the same table, along with 6 other people. During the course of conversation, I asked everyone what would they spend money on FIRST if they won a million dollars in lottery. Three of us said "go back to school" (including me), one said "buy a house and settle down", one said "go on a world tour", our COO (Chief Operating Officer) who was sitting with us, said he'd retire because a million bucks would gently push his savings into that zone. This man? He says he will send his parents on a world tour. OK. I can understand that. I would too - if I had money to spare after finishing my studies. But no mention of wifey. It didn't bother me that much at that time.

Just a few minutes ago, he and I were talking and he told me he is looking for a diamond. He said he found one on a website and it is half a carat and being sold for about $1,200. He said he is a bit concerned about spending that much money on an online deal because he will be using up all his savings. I asked him if he will have it set in India (he is talking of buying just a diamond, and not a jewelry item). He said "Yes, I'll give it to my mom and she can do whatever she wants with it". Hello!! Ever thought about that woman who left her parents to come live with yours? Your mom has your dad to provide her with such stuff. Who will do this for your wife?? [Oh, shucks!! I forgot - his son will, won't he?] Or, why not buy TWO smaller diamonds and give one to each? THIS is the stuff joint families are made of and THIS is why (among many, many, many other things) I hate the joint family system so much!!

Leading by example. NOT!

Two parents were arrested for sending their kids to a public school in another town. They used a relative’s address to make it appear as if they were living there themselves. On the surface it doesn’t look that serious. I mean, all parents want the best education for their kids and if these parents felt that the education in another town was better than their’s, they just tried to do what was best for their kids. Right?

Well, I said “on the surface” because in reality it does matter. Students here don’t have to pay tuition to study in public schools. That means the government uses tax payers’ money to run the schools. Therefore, how good a town’s school district is decides the prices of homes in that school district. Better the schools, higher the prices. Higher the prices, higher the taxes. So, if you want to pay lower taxes but want to get the benefits that the residents of higher tax areas are getting, it doesn’t seem right. At least not to me. Because I saw firsthand last year how school districts struggle to pay for all their expenses and to provide quality education to the kids. It is a tough balancing act. Since not all residents of a town have school going kids, many of them might not be happy about their higher taxes. I saw this too in last year’s town budget planning meetings. It takes about 10,400 dollars per kid per year to provide education in that town. These parents were sending THREE kids to school there. This means the parents swindled the town out of nearly 31,000 dollars per year. It Is not known how many years they did this.

Another thing that bothered me was how some people, that the news crew interviewed for this story, believed that the parents did nothing wrong. I am an honest and upright citizen. I could never imagine doing something like this. If I wanted to send my kids to a better school, I’d see if I can afford to buy or rent a place in that school district. That is what we did when we bought our house. We were very particular about the school district that we wanted to be in, so we compromised on the house we bought. We could have bought a much newer and grander house for less money in another school district. The values that I and my husband hold dear weren’t inborn. They were given to us by our parents. We saw our parents spend their lives living those values and virtues and that is how we learned them. How will the kids of these parents, who believe it is OK to cheat tax payers out of their money, learn values of honesty? Not by example, I am sure.

Introductory Solids

On my post on Month 4 update, I got many comments to share the food I gave S. I need to remember all that and document it for my reference too. Hence this post.

I don't remember too much from that time - after all, it has been over 8 years. But I do remember some of it. One thing I remember is that I wanted to start S on better eating habits from the beginning. I don't know if I have mentioned this before or not, but I have mostly based my parenting on how two particular kids were raised. One was my cousin's daughter, who lived with her grandparents (nana-nani) for the most part of first three years of her life (she is still living with them for that matter) - I shall call her N for the rest of this post. And the second kid is my nephew - J's elder brother's son. Lets call him S2. N had very good eating habits (she ate everything except peas) while S2 still is very picky and fussy about food. Now I don't know when N was started on solids, but I do know that even as an 18 month old toddler she knew she was supposed to eat whatever was placed in front of her on the dinner table. So, that told me it IS possible to discipline and cultivate good eating habits in an 18 month old and I applied that knowledge to my parenting when S arrived.

Anyway, coming back to the topic of discussion - eating habits. Or rather – developing good ones in kids. I believe it is very important to introduce babies to varied tastes and textures in order to develop good eating habits. At an early stage they don’t know enough to be picky. Or maybe, at an early age they are more open to new things. More eager to try out new things. Till now it was only my personal opinion, but from the comments I received for my earlier post I am beginning to believe that it is correct.

When I started S on solids, I kept a few things in mind –

1. The food had to be easy on a delicate stomach. If I had any doubts, I started it at a later age.

2. No sugar, no salt and of course, no other spices. Reason for not adding salt is very specific – at an early age, the babies’ kidneys are not fully equipped to handle it. No ghee or any other fats for similar reasons (digestive system is not fully developed to handle them).

3. I stuck with one food for two to three days to make sure S wasn’t having any adverse reaction to it.

4. No refined flour until the age of 8-9 months. That means nothing made out of maida.

5. I started fruits later – after 5 months.

6. No fruit juice until 1 year of age and only 2-3 ounces even after that.

7. ABSOLUTELY NO CANDY/CHOCOLATE.

8. I started giving her water (boiled and cooled) pretty early – from 3 months of age or so. I used to give her a few sips of water after every feed of formula. Despite pressure from my ILs to give her sweetened water, I didn’t budge and gave her only plain water. As a result she is a good “water drinker”. She prefers water to soda and juice. She does like juice but doesn’t like soda at all.

Now, on to the food that I cooked for her.

Lentil Soup: Took a handful of lentils (red – Masoor Dhuli or yellow – Moong Dhuli) and boiled them in lots of water (about 8 times by volume) until it was thoroughly cooked. Then I would just pour out the water into a bowl and feed it to S. This was when I had just started her on the soups. Later, as her digestive system became stronger, I reduced the amount of water and slowly started giving her the lentils along with the water they were cooked in. I didn’t add any salt or other spices until she was 8 months old or so. You can delay adding these a little more if you want.

Rice water: Same recipe as that for lentil soup. Though later, I never gave S plain rice. I made a very thin “khichdi” with one part rice and 3 parts lentils added to 6 (or maybe more) parts of water. Again, no salt or fat or other spices for at least 8 months.

Upma: Actually – not really! I just dry-roasted some semolina and then cooked it with water to a thin consistency. Not exactly the recipe for a mouth-watering upma :P This time with M, I roast the sooji and take it off the stove. While it is still hot, I add warm formula to it so it cooks and softens. I add enough formula to make it into a running consistency.

Boiled vegetables: started with one vegetable at a time. Then as her digestive system grew stronger, moved up to two or more veggies boiled and mashed together. Some “popular” items were – Lauki (bottle gourd/ white squash), carrots, peas, “turai” (I don’t know what is the English name for this), potatoes and later various combinations of these (and I also added tomatoes then). This time I intend to try out zucchini, spinach (added to other veggies, not alone. And later – maybe after 6 months or so), green beans (boiled, mashed and strained to filter out the fibrous material). One item S particularly liked later on was potatoes and tomatoes boiled and mashed together (the thin skin of tomatoes removed) with a little bit of ghee and salt.

Fuits: Early on, at about 5 or 6 months of age, I gave S only 2 fruits. Mashed bananas, and apples that were peeled, cored, sliced and boiled with a little milk (to soften them up) and mashed. Later I also started giving her Chikoo and Mangoes, mainly in thin milk-shake form and sometimes as purees. This was when she had turned about 7 months old. This time I will also try peaches and nectarines. And maybe some other fruits as M grows older. I would hopefully have introduced most of the fruits before she turns one year old. And I will definitely introduce juices after I have introduced at least some fruits.

Two more items S enjoyed as breakfast were: 1) Semolina toasts soaked in milk and pureed, and 2) plain corn flakes (no sugar variety) soaked in warm milk and pureed. I used to rotate between these two items and a mashed banana or mango for breakfast. As a result she ate different breakfast every day without having to repeat it for at least 4 days. Same thing happened with the rest of her food – with so many choices available, she hardly ate the same food the next day. As she grew older, choices increased and it became easier to give her varied foods.

This time I have a few other options available as well – eggs, cheerios, oatmeal etc. (when M grows older)

Judging from a couple of emails that I have exchanged with a few bloggers, I think I should get this post out on my blog as soon as possible. So I am going to post it as is, and will put up a follow-up post if I think of something else. I do have some ideas already which I think I will add in the next post. Hope this helps someone. I’d like to add one “disclaimer” – whatever I did or think of doing now is NOT absolute. It is based on MY kids’ tastes and preferences (I have already found out that M’s preferences differ from those of S). You can, and should make changes to the recipes according to your baby’s taste and preferences. No one knows them better than you do.

Month 7 - Catching up 2

Month 7 came and went. So did months 1 to 6, for that matter. And it happened in a blink. I didn't even notice the 7th month whizzing by. It was also my parents' last month with us here. A month when M started daycare. A lot happened, but it is all a blur.

In short - my parents are back in India, M has started daycare and we have settled into our new routine. Our lives are hectic-er. But I also derive a pleasure from being able to handle it. I am not a morning person, but getting up early helps me get everywhere in time and I love it. I and S drop M off at the daycare at around 8:10 am. Then get to the bus stop by 8:25 and wait for the bus there. That gives us about 20 minutes to chat and listen to our favorite songs. WAIT!! This post was supposed to be about M!

So, she got THE WORST stomach bug as her Christmas gift from the daycare. She started going there on Monday, December 17th. Tuesday and Wednesday went fine. Thursday, she threw up the squash my mom fed her in the evening. But she kept the milk down, so we didn't think much about it. Friday, she threw up her lunch and dinner. And had severe diarrhea. But she wasn't throwing up, wasn't running a fever, was not dehydrated and was active and happy so we didn't worry about it much. But it got worse before it got better. Her diarrhea worsened but we got through those days with the help of Pedialyte and my friend Y's homeopathy remedies. She has lost a lot of weight but I am sure we can build her up again :) Oh, she is up to three solid meals a day now. And one of the care providers at her daycare told J that we should start giving M the toddler crackers because picking that up will build up her hand-eye co-ordination and also teach her to chew. She loves eating so it all works out for us!

This was the month when M cried to see me leave for work for the first time. It happened a mere 4 days before the day she started daycare. She even cried the first few days at the daycare but now she doesn't. She eats and drinks her milk there. But she doesn't (or can't) sleep there probably because she has been thoroughly spoiled and is used to sleeping in pin-drop silence. But I am sure she will learn to sleep with babies crying all around her when she is tired enough. Until then, mom and dad are enjoying full night's sleep every night. She goes to bed at 8 and doesn't wake up until 5:30 or 6 am! (There! I am sure I have jinxed it now :P)

And she is still a lazy bum. She turned over today while I was dressing her in the morning. So I know she can do it. But she doesn't want to. Oh well. Who am I to complain? It is easier for me - I don't have to run after her. Counting my blessings here! She has started toppling over in an effort to reach for things though. I think she might be getting ready to try to crawl. We need to baby proof the house before she does.

She even saw her first snow this month. And she sat mesmerized in her walker in front of the window. It was a funny sight! Unfortunately, I was rushing out the door so couldn't click a picture. But I'll always remember that scene. I'll always have that memory.

You have to be pre-tty damn secure in your relationship...

...when you can tell your husband that a girlfriend at work proposed to you. (In jest, IN JEST people!!)

Things to work on...

I don't do New year's resolutions. I feel one shouldn't be bound by the calendar to start something good. So, I usually make resolutions as and when I feel the need. Whether I act upon those resolutions is a different matter and we shall not venture into that discussion.

I can remember only one resolution that I made a few years back and I feel I did a good job with that. But then that may be because it wasn't too tough to begin with. Two (or maybe three) years back I decided I wasn't going to fret about my weight. That didn't mean I wouldn't care about it - just that I wouldn't worry about my weight or shape or size. I still would follow a healthy life style and try to reach/maintain a healthy weight. I just wouldn't worry about or feel bad about my weight or size. I have to say that it was THE BEST decision I ever made. I found it was easier for me to focus on healthy habits if I wasn't constantly worrying about losing weight. I knew if I followed a healthy life-style, weightloss and fitness will automatically (eventually) follow. And that is what happened. Well, at least until I started the IVF cycles - but that is a different story. Not getting into that.

Coming to this year. I haven't made any resolutions. Yet. I liked one on a blogger's list and for the life of me, I CAN'T FIND THEIR POST NOW!!! I have patrolled the blogosphere twice over and still couldn't find the post, so I don't remember the blogger's name. but I do remember one resolution on their list - to reduce clutter. And that fits my state of mind completely right now. I need to reduce clutter form my life. From my mind. From my house. From my office. From my car. So that is one thing I am going to work on starting from today - getting rid of clutter. I won't say "work on it this year" because I want this habit for life. I am still going to actively work on improving my health AND having/maintaining a positive self-image. I want to be around to enjoy MY grandkids.