Mother-daughter moments - 1

Ever since my parents left, our mornings haven't been the same. When mom and dad were here, I used to wake up at 7:30, proceed to get ready leisurely, remind S to get ready fast a few times, give her breakfast, pack our lunch bags and leave, sometimes scrambling - by 8:40. We'd get to the bus stop just a few minutes before the bus got there and I'd start off for work as soon as S got on the bus.

Now we get up by 6:30 or 6:45, play with the baby a little if she is up (or catch another shut-eye for a few more minutes - you know how precious those minutes are!), dress her up, wake S, go downstairs, start making breakfast (dosa, omelet or cereal), pack lunch bags, pack M's diaper bag with the milk bottles and so on. M sits on the floor on a comforter all this while, playing with her Teletubby or drums and occasionally raising her arms to whoever is passing by in the hopes of being picked up by them.

By 7:30 S is downstairs, her breakfast ready. I feed M her breakfast (cereal with formula) at the same time so the sisters can eat together. We usually leave home by 8:10, drop M off at the daycare and get to the bus stop by 8:25 or 8:30. S' bus arrives between 8:51 to 8:55. So we have about 25-30 minutes during which we chat with each other or listen to our favorite songs.

I have come to cherish these moments alone with my older one a lot. We are having conversations we never had the time for. And I feel like I am opening the windows into my mind for her, showing her how I think, what kind of a person I am etc.

The first time we spent this time together, I brought up something that had been nagging at me for quite some time. I didn't know how to broach that subject with S but that day it just seemed like the right occasion. About a year ago, S had commented at how her dad's return from office used to be her favorite time of the day when she was 4-5 years old. Why? Because mommy dearest used to take a nap in the afternoon, leaving S to play with her toys in her room. And S, while playing alone, eagerly waited for daddy to return so she wouldn't be alone anymore. Now, that nap was usually 30-40 minutes and it wasn't like I never talked to S or played with her. But I was depressed during those years and running around all day drained me out completely. Besides, she has been comfortable being alone from the beginning and doesn't mind playing/reading by herself. She never hounds me, like some of her friends hound their moms, saying "I am bored, what should I do?" She finds stuff to do by herself. But this statement from her made me look at things in different light. And I felt pangs of guilt. So I brought this up. I asked her if she still remembered the time. She said yes. I asked her if she thought that made me a bad mommy. She said "No" (Thank heavens!!) I told her if she had told me she was lonely at that time, I would never have left her alone like that. And I said sorry to her. I told her I never meant for her to feel like that. I just wasn't aware of how she felt. And that it didn't mean I didn't love her. I loved her with all my might. After that conversation, my heart is more at peace now.

Then there was the occasion two days ago when we discussed about being kind/nice to people even when we don't like them too much. The day before, I had gone to S' school just talk to her class teacher on how she was doing academically and socially. her teacher said she was doing great academically. She is very good at math (ever notice how I can NEVER let go of a chance to boast about it? :P), her writing skills are very good and most impressively, S was the only one to get a question right in an assessment they had taken that very day on reading skills. Socially? "Well, she is doing good socially. Its only that she is kind of impatient with kids she doesn't like. She may be more curt in answering them or when I ask her to help someone out she lets out a sigh if she doesn't like that person too much. She does help them though". This is what I brought up the next day on the bus stop.

I wasn't upset with her. I guess this is a trait she has picked up from me. I am not like that anymore. But I used to be. So I decided to come clean with her, and tell her a few things so that she would have the opportunity to learn from my experiences. This happened back when I had just finished my Master's and was back in Jodhpur with my parents. I landed a job within the first week of being back and started as an instructor with a Computer training institute. Now a little more background is needed in this context.

I did my Master's from Indore, and stayed with my Tauji (dad's elder brother) for three years. My Tauji is married to my mom's elder sister, my mausi. Now, my stay with them was far from pleasant. Lets say, I was put through the wringer, and then some. To the extent that when my brother saw how they treated me, he came home to my mom and said "इसको बादाम खिला कर वापस भेजना, नही तो ये मर जायेगी वहाँ". (Feed her almonds [for strength] before you send her back, otherwise she won't survive). He didn't mean it literally, but things WERE very bad. Another post on that some other time. So these three years at their place gave me a gift that keeps on giving. Depression. I sincerely believe that my bouts with depression began back then. I would often wonder what kind of a person I had become (bitter, clingy, arrogant) and really didn't have a very high opinion of myself as a "nice" person. Anyway, this personality came out more prominently when I would teach. I would scream like a shrew when a student made repeated mistakes. I would mete out harsh, sarcastic remarks if I felt that my students weren't putting in their hundred percent efforts. Once I had them all come back for an extra class THE SAME DAY on a hot summer day because I felt they weren't sincere enough in their studies.

There was a boy in one of my classes who didn't really have any aptitude for computers, let alone for programming. I once got very frustrated with him and I yelled at him. He stopped coming from the very next day. I feel bad about him to this day. I still maintain that he was not ready for a computer course, but I think I should have handled him in a kinder way. I could have just pulled him aside and said "I think you need to work harder or take a break from computer coaching until you are ready for it". I narrated this incident to S and told her how much I regret having used harsh words for him. And how, I wish I could go back and say "sorry" to him for being such a mean person. I told her all this to highlight the fact that sometimes the mean things you say or do come back to haunt you and you can't always set them right then. I asked her how she would feel if someone behaved with her the same way she behaved with some of her classmates. I also asked her to imagine how a person would feel if he or she really liked her (S) but she was mean to him/her. I think I gave her a lot to think about that morning. And I hope she will learn from my experiences, and learn to be patient even with people she doesn't like.

Then this morning, we talked about compassion. S told me about a girl who said "Its UGLY" (and then laughed) for a drawing S made last year in the after-school program. That really hurt S' feelings. I had no idea how much until she told me this morning "I still remember that and I want to be mean back to her just to make her pay". This little girl (she was 5 when she said those words) - Amy- has not been mean to S in any other way except that single time. I didn't want to get all preachy on S and say how "she shouldn't be mean" and all that stuff. After all, I can very well identify with the urge to get back at someone who has hurt me in some way. But it doesn't mean we should act upon those urges. Instead, I told her about this incident:

S was maybe 4 or 5 years old. We were going out one day when the lady, who lived across from us in the apartment complex we lived in at that time, called out and said a sweet "Hello" to us. S turned to me and said, quite loudly, "I don't like her". I was mortified and immediately chastised her not to say such things because they could hurt some one's feelings. Later on we became very good friends with that neighbor, and she was one of S' favorite neighbors. I asked S if she really meant she didn't like Susan when she said that on that day. I said what her 5 year old mind probably meant was "Since I don't know this lady, how can I like her?" And I said, this is probably why Amy said her drawing was ugly. She didn't quite like it, but didn't know the correct words to express how she felt. So she said "ugly".

I also recounted another recent incident to S. Ani, a friend of S' told her that her name (the friend's) means "beautiful" to which S said "which you are not" and laughed because she thought she had cracked a big joke. The friend's feelings were very hurt obviously, and she complained to her mother who happens to be a very good friend of mine. Her mother called me to tell me of this incident, not to complain but to sit down and talk to S about how it hurt Ani's feelings. I did, and S apologized to Ani and they are back to being great friends. I reminded S that even though she had laughed after her "joke" Ani hadn't found it funny and maybe the same thing happened when Amy said S' drawing was ugly. Maybe she thought she had said something funny. S then understood that the same incident could be interpreted in several different ways and I hope she has overcome the urge to return the mean remark.

I cherish these moments with her when she shares whatever has been on her mind and I talk to her, not as a mother, but as any other person who is sharing something from her life to give some parallels to compare with. And I cherish the moments when the two of us simply sit silently in the car listening to our favorite songs. I am sure there will be many more.