'Coz love isn't bound by special days

I was saving this post for Father's Day. I wanted to write it last year for Father's day and then for my father's birthday, but was extremely busy with a new baby. I am now sorry that I waited for a "special" day instead of just writing what I felt, when I felt it. Now I am rectifying that mistake. So, here's to you dad!

You have been the guiding light in my life. I have learnt life's many lessons from you. I am the person I am today, because of you (and Ma). I am the parent I am todaye, because of you (and Ma). And I hold dear the values that I do today, because of you (and of course, Ma!) Not a day goes by when I don't remember something you taught or said to me. My daughters have you to thank for a mom who yells less and less each day. You don't remember, do you?

It was when S was little - barely a year old. You had seen how I sometimes got impatient with her. You never criticized me but sent me a gentle email recounting your own experiences as a parent. In that email you told me how you sometimes felt bad for the times when you yelled at me or my brother when we were little. You told me how that guilt never leaves one alone. And you urged me to be more patient with S for her sake, and for mine as well. Because you knew the guilt WILL strike one day. I didn't implement on your advice right away, but it set me thinking. And slowly, over the years, I have been trying to improve myself. I try to yell less and understand more. I try to be patient. The turning point came a few years ago when I suddenly realized that in the 35 years of my life, you hadn't shouted at me ONCE. Or hit me, for that matter. Of course, you told me and Ma tells me that you yelled at me when I was little but I have no recollection of it. And that made me realize what S was missing out on. A peaceful childhood. One free of all yelling. THAT made me want to change. I wanted to give my daughter the same childhood I'd had - free of yelling and free of any hitting. You'll be glad to know Pa, that I am trying my hardest to change. I have changed a lot. I do yell sometimes. But it has gotten more infrequent. And if and when I do yell, I apologize to S.

That's another thing I learnt from you. Accepting one's mistakes and taking responsibility for it. It has made me a better person. It has kept my conscience guilt-free. I recently made a mistake at work. I could have easily blamed it on someone else but my conscience didn't allow me to. So, I accepted it and apologized for it. That, I believe, makes me trustworthy in other people's eyes. I don't hesitate in saying sorry to S, or to J (well, you know, not so easily to J but that is another matter :P). I remember many times in my childhood when you would accept that you were wrong and say sorry for that. Easily. Without any ego. Over time I realized not all parents do that. Many parents wouldn't accept their mistake, leave alone saying sorry for that. For many parents, just the fact that they are parents, means they are infallible. For them, parents are always right and it is always the children's fault. Not in our family. Do you know it made me a better person? It did.

Another thing you taught me was to learn from my mistakes. That is a hard lesson to learn Pa, but from you it came effortlessly. Remember that time when I scored a mere 1.5 out of 20 in a class test in Math? You could have ranted and raved, yelled, taken away privileges, even sent me to bed without food. After all, no one in our family had failed so miserably before. But you did none of that. Instead, you sat down with me and went over each question discussing how to solve it and telling me not to repeat that mistake again. It is another matter that, in doing so, we came upon a question that was correct and had not been checked and I ended up with 12 (or 15 - I don't remember) marks out of 20 eventually. What I learned that day was no matter how much you screw up, you can always start afresh and get better by not making the same mistake twice. I try to teach my daughters the same thing. I also vaguely remember that once, when I was in fifth grade I hid my report card because I had failed General Knowledge (that subject, and the way it was taught, never did interest me). You found the report card when you came home. I don't remember how you reacted but I do remember that you were very hurt. That taught me not to do it again. I didn't learn it right then, as I continued to hide random things from you but eventually I did realize that it is easier on my conscience if I don't hide things from you and Ma.

When I was in 9th grade, I mentioned to a friend's dad how we (my brother and I) had fooled you on April Fool's day. He replied he wouldn't stand that kind of behavior from his kids. I was surprised because you had laughed when we did that. This kind of attitude was new to me. And then it struck me - not everyone knows how to laugh at themselves. You do. And it is a very endearing quality. It makes you more loveable. I learnt that from you too - being able to laugh at myself. I am losing that and need to work more on that, and I think I can do that. It is one more thing I want my daughter's to experience.

These are just a few examples of how you have made my life richer. I could go on and on. I have lived almost 38 years after all, and lived 22 of those with you. My life is full of lessons learnt from you (and Ma). I know I am blessed for it. You know you and I butt heads over the smallest of things even now, and that amazes me. I mean, I could never tolerate that from my daughters. But you do and it is not because you are a weak parent. You are tough when the occasion demands it. But you also knew when to let us go, when to give us wings. All my life, I have deeply appreciated the fact that you and Ma never imposed your wish on me or my brother the way many other parents do. Yes, you restricted us from doing many things because you were trying to do what was best for us. But when it came to life's big decisions, you let us decide for ourselves, and you stood by us. We are stronger and more secure in our worlds because of that.

I remember all the sacrifices you made for us too. You had to struggle a lot in life, I know that. But you never let us see even an iota of tough times. You planned everything so well that my brother and I never had to worry about the cost of our studies. I now realize what a blessing it was to be able to study without having to worry about the tuition. I remember how you bought my brother a jacket (which he needed) by cancelling your plans to buy shoes for yourself. We could only afford one and you put his needs before your own without making him feel guilty. I remember how, when I came back after doing my Master's, you gave me your scooter so I could go to work. You rode the bicycle to work every day. You, an Assistant Director in the Board of Technical Education, Rajasthan at that time.

There are so many memories that I could go on and on without ever stopping. Maybe, I'll write another post. And another. Or a book. Because there is no way I can fit all that in one measly post!

Dear Pa, I am sorry for all the trouble and lip I gave you all these years. But I want you to know that I feel blessed to have a father like you.