Of respect in relationships

S and I are developing a routine where we go to the library every Monday. She is all showered and homeworked when I get home on Mondays. Then we have dinner and then head out to the library around 8. The library stays open late, until 9 pm, on Mondays. S gets two videos/dvds and a few books if she is done reading the current ones. I get a book, or not - depending on my mood and schedule.

Today while coming back from the library, we somehow started talking about relationships - as in boyfriends and husbands. S mentioned she hopes she'd find an Indian guy just like her daddy - who'd be as good a husband to her as her dad is to me (and that J is the best husband anyone could ever have is a fact). I grabbed that chance with both hands to talk to her about something I had been thinking of for a long time. Respect in a relationship. Specially, a husband's respect for his wife. Which, in my opinion, is more or less absent in many relationships I have seen around me. The husbands love their wives alright, care about them and for them too. But they don't hold respect for their wives' opinions on "serious" matters. Some, I have seen, don't even respect their wives - period. For them, respect flows from wife to husband, not the other way round. Sure, equal marriages are on the rise and I have many more friends who will jump in and say their marriage is an equal relationship. And I will agree with them. I am just talking about the relationships I have been observing at close quarters.

So, I got talking to S about respect in a relationship and how she should expect nothing less. This, I think, is what ALL parents need to teach their daughters. EXPECT respect from your partner. If you don't get it, the relationship isn't right for you. I also had this conversation with S because just today I and a few blogger friends were discussing why professionally competent women, beautiful women, successful women stay in abusive relationships. In my opinion it is directly related to their self-esteem and, in some cases, lack of support from parents. I want S to understand that no relationship is bigger than her self-esteem and happiness. That there is, and should always be, a way out from an abusive relationship. Sometimes I worry that she might end up in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical. It can be verbal and emotional too - and that is why I stressed on the "respect" aspect of a relationship. If your partner respects you, he/she will not abuse you in any way. That is my simplistic theory. And I hope S never has/needs to test it.

I have a cousin who is in an abusive marriage. Many family members agree on it - even though they probably wouldn't categorize it as "abusive". And that is not because it isn't so, but because the definition of an "abusive relationship" is very blurred and confusing. Coming back to the cousin - I asked her younger sister why she doesn't walk out on the marriage? Sister says because she wants to give her daughters stability and doesn't want to subject them to a broken home. Also, because she gets almost no support from her dad. Her dad, my uncle, tells her to "adjust". I feel there is only a certain limit to which a person can, and should, adjust. I also think this is the cruelest thing Indian parents (mostly) do to their daughters. Telling them to adjust. How can a person ignore what their daughter is going through and just issue a blanket dictate to "adjust"? My blood boils at it. Parents have the DUTY to cultivate enough self-confidence in their daughters so that they don't stay stuck in an abusive relationship. I, personally, wouldn't even depend on my parents to get me out of an abusive relationship (unless I needed their help in getting out safely). I would end a relationship the minute it started bordering on abuse. And go out and make a life for myself and my kids. Support from my parents would be welcome and appreciated but I wouldn't depend on it. I guess that kind of attitude depends on two factors - a person's temperament and their support system, namely parents and other close family members. If my parents brought me up in a traditional way, I might have had the same mind set. But then the same cousin's sister walked out of her home and declared she was going to report her in-laws to the police for abuse. She had been having issues at her in-law's place too. Just the declaration brought her in-laws (and husband) back to their senses and now she lives with them minus the issues. Real sisters, same parents, same (non-existent) support system. Two different outcomes. So, it really does depend on the person too. This is what I want S to understand. That she will have options. And she will have J's and my support.

I told J about this conversation when we got home (and after S had gone to bed). He agreed that he would encourage S to walk out of a relationship if it got abusive. That we will teach her to place her safety and peace of mind above everything else. I pray that S and M find partners who really love and respect them. Another thought springs into my mind with this sentence. At a recent party, a friend commented that she just hopes her sons (she has two) bring home Indian girls. She meant to say she isn't going to be particular about caste or religion. Another said she just hopes they bring home a girl (she has two sons too). She doesn't care about caste, religion OR nationality. My question is - what if your child comes home and tells you he/she is gay? Personally, I just hope that my daughters find a loving partner. Frankly I'll blow my top if one of my daughters told me she doesn't want to go to college but I won't blink an eye if she informed me that she is a lesbian. Really. I have given it serious thought and I know how I feel. Looking at all the unequal and/or unhappy marriages around me, all I want is for my daughters to find partners who truly care about them. Who would love them, respect them and be their support when I am gone.

And I hope somewhere, someone is teaching their sons (and daughters) about respecting their life-partner too.