Of respect in relationships: Friendship

S has been having some problems with a friend of hers. Some time ago I would have said they are "good" friends but lately I have been questioning that. The said "friend" (lets call her A) tries to boss S around and when she stands up for herself (a relatively new skill for which I am very proud of her), A gets nasty and says hurtful things to S. She also says hurtful and untrue things about S behind her back to other girls. When S steps back from the friendship A apologizes, is nice for a few days (or hours) and then the cycle repeats. S is also getting tired of this routine. I have been trying my best not to dictate what S should do - or what I think S should do, which is to sever all ties with this girl. One day she is all determined to cut the friendship off when she is smarting from the latest insult A has thrown at her, the next day she is feeling sorry for A because she doesn't have any friends. This girl is so obnoxious that she really doesn't have too many friends. And the girls (and boys) who ARE friends with her are subject to the same treatement and are wary of her. One girl's mother has forbidden all contact between the two girls which is feasible for her since the two girls are not in the same class and are going to be in different middle schools next year.

All this while I have been coaching S in what to say and how to stand up for herself without being nasty in return. Now, I have had friends disagree with me on this but I sincerely believe if S can learn the skills to stand up for herself without being nasty or mean, it would be for her own good. She will need those skills when she goes out in the big bad world - where she will definitely need to work with all sorts of people. A little diplomacy in expressing her feelings will go a long way for S then - that is what I feel. I certainly don't want her to be all nice and sweet in all situations - I just want her to resort to nastiness as a last option. I want her to have a backbone and claws but I also want her to keep her claws sheathed until it is absolutely necessary to go on a full frontal attack.

I have had a good friend also disagree with me on whether I should force S to break her friendship with A. I say no, she says yes and she has already told her daughter not to keep any contact with A. She says, as a mom, it is her responsibility to protect her daughter from such "friends" and to make sure she (the daughter) doesn't unnecessarily go through the heartbreak of being in an abusive friendship. I respect her opinion, and respectfully disagree with her too. I feel these are life's little opportunities for S to learn how to stand up for herself and how to work at creating healthy relationships. ALL relationships need hard work. No relationship can survive if the people involved are not putting in a sincere effort. And, in all healthy relationships, respect flows both ways. It should and if it isn't, I would term that relationship as deficient, if not outright abusive. I also feel S should learn when and how to end a relationship. It is a hard thing to learn. I haven't been able to do that yet. I sometimes wonder if it is unreasonable of me to expect a 10 year old to learn what I haven't been able to, in 38+ years. But I believe by giving her an early start, and full understanding and support, I am giving her the chance I never got at learning this.

There is no point behind this post of mine. I am just trying to sort my thoughts on this. A's mom has become a good friend and has helped me a lot on many occasions. I have thought about talking to her about A's behavior towards S but have decided against it for a few reasons.

1. I am a complete chicken.

2. I want S to resolve this on her own, one way or the other. I do not want to step in because I see her learning to deal with such sticky situations herself and I also see her confidence growing.

3. How do you go to a good friend and say "I am sorry but your daughter is obnoxious!!"?

MY concern is how to let S distance herself from A without distancing myself from A's mom? Why am I worried about this friendship? Because I have learnt that children may fight like cats and dogs one day but get along fabulously on another day. And that children grow and change. So I hope A will change a little, or that S will learn how to maintain this friendship without getting bulldozed by A. I do admire many qualities of A's and do feel that both girls can benefit from each other. Also, I believe it is easier to break a relationship than to keep it going and super-difficult to mend it after breaking it. So one should break a relationship if, and only if, one is a 110% sure about doing it.

I have had some friendships that have taken a long time in developing and some are still a little shaky. But I still keep giving them "some more time". Not because I am an undecisive fool, but because I believe a beautiful, life-long friendship could emerge out of these relationships if they get enough time and effort. But I am also strong enough now to not let these relationships hurt me if they don't go the right way. I think I am capable of breaking ties if someone seriously hurts me. In fact, I think I always keep a thin shell aorund me to protect myself from any potential hurts. Just prior experience which resulted into this habit.

One thing that I have noticed is lack of respect in some friendships. Even in adult friendships. People take their friends for granted. Expect favors, but don't return them. Are rude because they CAN. Or under the guise of being their friend's well-wisher. The biggest issue I have seen is lack of appreciation. If someone does something for you, you just shrug it off saying "Oh, I would have done the same thing for him/her".

My father's death has made me take a deeper look within myself for many reasons. One of the reasons was HIS friendships and relationshsips. He, and my mom, have a huge social circle. Pa used to remember everyone's anniversaries, birthdays and other small things like their kids' likes and dislikes. He would email or call people on every little occasion. He was our link to the rest of the family. And because of him, we had so much support after he was gone. In the days after his funeral, I and my brother were surrounded by at least 12 first cousins. They were there because Pa kept everyone in our lives. Ma has played a part in all this too - all my life I have seen my parents house some kid or other while they study in some college/school in Jodhpur. Ma loved feeding people. If friends visited us at lunch or dinner time, they were treated to a sumptuous meal - no matter how last minute their arrival was. Together, Ma and Pa have built such a strong support-net for us. I hope I can leave a similar net for my kids one day. And I believe the first step to that is respecting my friends for what they do for me, and how they love and care for me. At the same time I will remember that I deserve the same respect from them and if I don't get it then maybe it is time to trim that part of my friendship tree.