Of respect in relationships: Friendship

S has been having some problems with a friend of hers. Some time ago I would have said they are "good" friends but lately I have been questioning that. The said "friend" (lets call her A) tries to boss S around and when she stands up for herself (a relatively new skill for which I am very proud of her), A gets nasty and says hurtful things to S. She also says hurtful and untrue things about S behind her back to other girls. When S steps back from the friendship A apologizes, is nice for a few days (or hours) and then the cycle repeats. S is also getting tired of this routine. I have been trying my best not to dictate what S should do - or what I think S should do, which is to sever all ties with this girl. One day she is all determined to cut the friendship off when she is smarting from the latest insult A has thrown at her, the next day she is feeling sorry for A because she doesn't have any friends. This girl is so obnoxious that she really doesn't have too many friends. And the girls (and boys) who ARE friends with her are subject to the same treatement and are wary of her. One girl's mother has forbidden all contact between the two girls which is feasible for her since the two girls are not in the same class and are going to be in different middle schools next year.

All this while I have been coaching S in what to say and how to stand up for herself without being nasty in return. Now, I have had friends disagree with me on this but I sincerely believe if S can learn the skills to stand up for herself without being nasty or mean, it would be for her own good. She will need those skills when she goes out in the big bad world - where she will definitely need to work with all sorts of people. A little diplomacy in expressing her feelings will go a long way for S then - that is what I feel. I certainly don't want her to be all nice and sweet in all situations - I just want her to resort to nastiness as a last option. I want her to have a backbone and claws but I also want her to keep her claws sheathed until it is absolutely necessary to go on a full frontal attack.

I have had a good friend also disagree with me on whether I should force S to break her friendship with A. I say no, she says yes and she has already told her daughter not to keep any contact with A. She says, as a mom, it is her responsibility to protect her daughter from such "friends" and to make sure she (the daughter) doesn't unnecessarily go through the heartbreak of being in an abusive friendship. I respect her opinion, and respectfully disagree with her too. I feel these are life's little opportunities for S to learn how to stand up for herself and how to work at creating healthy relationships. ALL relationships need hard work. No relationship can survive if the people involved are not putting in a sincere effort. And, in all healthy relationships, respect flows both ways. It should and if it isn't, I would term that relationship as deficient, if not outright abusive. I also feel S should learn when and how to end a relationship. It is a hard thing to learn. I haven't been able to do that yet. I sometimes wonder if it is unreasonable of me to expect a 10 year old to learn what I haven't been able to, in 38+ years. But I believe by giving her an early start, and full understanding and support, I am giving her the chance I never got at learning this.

There is no point behind this post of mine. I am just trying to sort my thoughts on this. A's mom has become a good friend and has helped me a lot on many occasions. I have thought about talking to her about A's behavior towards S but have decided against it for a few reasons.

1. I am a complete chicken.

2. I want S to resolve this on her own, one way or the other. I do not want to step in because I see her learning to deal with such sticky situations herself and I also see her confidence growing.

3. How do you go to a good friend and say "I am sorry but your daughter is obnoxious!!"?

MY concern is how to let S distance herself from A without distancing myself from A's mom? Why am I worried about this friendship? Because I have learnt that children may fight like cats and dogs one day but get along fabulously on another day. And that children grow and change. So I hope A will change a little, or that S will learn how to maintain this friendship without getting bulldozed by A. I do admire many qualities of A's and do feel that both girls can benefit from each other. Also, I believe it is easier to break a relationship than to keep it going and super-difficult to mend it after breaking it. So one should break a relationship if, and only if, one is a 110% sure about doing it.

I have had some friendships that have taken a long time in developing and some are still a little shaky. But I still keep giving them "some more time". Not because I am an undecisive fool, but because I believe a beautiful, life-long friendship could emerge out of these relationships if they get enough time and effort. But I am also strong enough now to not let these relationships hurt me if they don't go the right way. I think I am capable of breaking ties if someone seriously hurts me. In fact, I think I always keep a thin shell aorund me to protect myself from any potential hurts. Just prior experience which resulted into this habit.

One thing that I have noticed is lack of respect in some friendships. Even in adult friendships. People take their friends for granted. Expect favors, but don't return them. Are rude because they CAN. Or under the guise of being their friend's well-wisher. The biggest issue I have seen is lack of appreciation. If someone does something for you, you just shrug it off saying "Oh, I would have done the same thing for him/her".

My father's death has made me take a deeper look within myself for many reasons. One of the reasons was HIS friendships and relationshsips. He, and my mom, have a huge social circle. Pa used to remember everyone's anniversaries, birthdays and other small things like their kids' likes and dislikes. He would email or call people on every little occasion. He was our link to the rest of the family. And because of him, we had so much support after he was gone. In the days after his funeral, I and my brother were surrounded by at least 12 first cousins. They were there because Pa kept everyone in our lives. Ma has played a part in all this too - all my life I have seen my parents house some kid or other while they study in some college/school in Jodhpur. Ma loved feeding people. If friends visited us at lunch or dinner time, they were treated to a sumptuous meal - no matter how last minute their arrival was. Together, Ma and Pa have built such a strong support-net for us. I hope I can leave a similar net for my kids one day. And I believe the first step to that is respecting my friends for what they do for me, and how they love and care for me. At the same time I will remember that I deserve the same respect from them and if I don't get it then maybe it is time to trim that part of my friendship tree.

We lived to tell the tale

Tale of 13 girls and a birthday party. And then 8 girls and their sleepover. Really, if you knew how much cumulative lung power a collection of girls can carry, you'd be ringing us up and asking after our healths right now! Or maybe you'd be emailing us because we have gone deaf with all the shrieking and screaming and can't hear the phone ring now.

S' birthday was on October 31st - as it is every year, in case you didn't know. And we decided to keep it low key - mainly because I wasn't feeling up to a party right after losing my dad. I didn't want to tell her to go without a party this year either (and SHE did suggest it) because frankly, I think this is the time when we NEED all the social interaction we can get. At least I do. It takes my mind off of my loss and brings me out of the self-pity mode.

So, just 3 days before the party I sent out the invitations. A simple email, telling the occasion, date(Friday November 7th) and time(7:30 - 10:30 pm). And mentioning that this will be a Pajama party and the girls could sleep over if they wanted. I wasn't expecting anyone to accept the sleepover invitation, considering the fact that most of the parents didn't know me. But SEVEN out of the 13 girls we invited, decided to sleep over. And 12 accepted the invitation. The 13th girl couldn't come because of a sore throat.

On the day of the party, I almost didn't do anything the whole day. Just cleaned up a little bit here and there. Then started cleaning at 4, and was done by 6 with J and S' help. At 6:10 or so I stepped out to get some party supplies which included popcorn (they were going to watch a movie) and some other snacks, nailpolish, nail files and nailpolish remover for the girls who were going to sleep over (found these cute little bottles in funky colors, which the girls got to take home), an icecream cake and pizza that J had ordered over the phone. I was an epitome of efficiency that day - was back with ALL the supplies by 7:20! It included stopping at the bakery of the supermarket to add S' name to the cake.

All in all, the girls had mega fun. I never knew 10 year old girls could put away so much pizza, cheesy bread and soda/juice. AND bagsful of popcorn after eating all that! But I was well prepared. We didn't run out of food even the next morning when all the girls had breakfast before leaving. For once I was glad that my freezer and pantry are ALWAYS full of food. I didn't even have to run out for milk. Toaster Strudels, waffles, Cheerios and milk - and 8 happy (not so) little (anymore) girls.

The sleepover was fun, even if very tiring. After the others left, I handed out the nail colors and they set out to color each other's nails. Some found a few board games and played while a few others watched TV. NO arguments, NO fights, NO cattiness. The best behaved bunch of girls I have ever seen. At 12 I started sending them to brush their teeth one by one. At 12:20 or so, S oppened her gifts. Then lights out at 1 am. And then multiple reminders to the girls to go to sleep and stop shouting. Then I told them that if they woke the baby with their loud voices, she will be ALL THEIRS till the morning. THAT did the trick :) They still didn't go to sleep right away but talked only in whispers. Finally every last one of them dozed off, and I popped myself some popcorn, surfed the net and then went to sleep at 2:30 am.

All in all - a very exciting night, some good fun and a surge of confidence for mom and dad. We are now planning to have these pajama parties every now and then.

Here are a few pics:

The Cake

Watching the movie:

M settles down with Big Sis to watch the movie:

I am a big girl now

In April '08, I flew to India for my mom's retirement party. All alone. No husband to chaperon me, no children to be chaperoned. A cousin arranged a taxi for me to go to Jaipur (from New Delhi), from where I caught a train to Jodhpur. I had never travelled alone in India so this was a big deal for me. I thought I had finally "grown up". I was a Big girl. It seems I was wrong. Turns out one becomes a Big Girl, or a Big Boy, within moments when one loses a parent.

So, I grew up and became a Big Girl on October 4th, 2008. 11:45 pm IST. Pa was in a hospital (one of the best in the region, by the way), awaiting a bypass surgery which was scheduled for Monday, October 6th, when he experienced a massive heart attack. He was taken to the ICU within three minutes, but nothing could save him. Even in his last moments, he did what he had been doing all his life - worried about his wife, my mother. He told the doctors "Meri wife ka dhyaan rakhna, wo bahut jaldi ghabra jaati hain" [take care of my wife, she gets scared easily] And then he left. Just like that.

He experienced angina pains one morning when he was out on his daily walk. He got chest pains, started sweating and then got nauseous. He rested on a bench for a bit and then walked to a nearby nursing home. There, the doctors administered an ECG and determined he was having angina pains. They had someone drop him off at home with the instructions to rest and see a cardiologist as soon as possible. When he saw one, he was advised to get an angiography done for which he and Ma decided to go to Jaipur. We were all hoping that it would turn out be some minor blockage that could be treated/controlled with medication. But against all hopes, it turned out that he had 90% blockage in three arteries. Bypass surgery was required and one was scheduled as soon as enough blood of his blood group (A-) was secured. This was on Saturday evening. Soon after that he suffered the heart attack.

He was in the hospital (in Jaipur) for 4 days. I spoke to him multiple times every day. Even during all this health scare he was his usual jocular self - he told J that all this was his ploy to get Ma to part with the money she received upon retiring. He told Ma that he was having all the heart trouble due to the stress that was caused by Ma constantly breaking all his records in Mahjong. On the morning of October 4th, he told me he was surprised how much food the hospital gave him - which meant he must have been eating very little earlier (he did lose a few kgs in 15 days).

It is beginning to sink in that I will never see him again. I still remember how his big, rough hands made me feel like a little girl. Even at the age of 38. His awkward hugs made my heart melt. That won't happen again. I will never again hear a message from him saying "Haan Cee, mai bol raha hu.....". I will not hear a "Happy Birthday" or a "Happy New Year" from him ever again. What a price to pay for growing up!!

Grief

It has many faces.

It can be constant crying - punctuated by brief hiccups...

It can be a wail - heart rending, twisting the gut into a tangled ball...

It can be a silence - wrapping one's soul, blocking all external stimuli from coming in...

It can even be hope - that the loved one you have lost is in a better place, maybe reunited with the long-lost mother he never knew and his one and only pet whom he loved just as much as, and sometimes more than, his own daughter...

It can be an ache - that you will never see him again. Or hear him. Or receive emails and birthday e-cards. Or touch him...

It can be a fear - that you will forget him, the sound of his voice, his laugh, his touch...

It can be dry eyes - because you just don't know how to release all those emotions...

It can be a comfort - to know that he didn't suffer. He went just as he had always lived. With dignity...

It can be a puzzle - did he think about you in his final moments? (Yes, I know. A very selfish thought)...

It can be a heartbreak - that you could not do anything even though you COULD have. After all, your blood group was the same as his. He needn't have waited one whole stupid day...

It can be a LOT of memories - of your childhood, of learning from him, of laughing with him, or AT him...

It can be a lesson - to live like he did, love like he did...

It can be a role reversal - comforting others who come from far away to pay their respects...

It can be overwhelming.

I lost my dad, very unexpectedly, on October 4th this year. It is beginning to sink in. And it hurts. A LOT.

Dumbing it down

My mind is boggled. I had heard this happens, but never thought it would happen to US! You know how we always assume bad things happen to others but never, once, think about what if they happened to us? Yes, like that. Maybe it isn't all that terrible. Maybe I am over reacting.

Yeah. That's what it is. I AM over reacting. On purpose. To draw you in, create a mysterious air. So that when you are three paragraphs deep into the post and find out it was only about me breaking a leg, you'll say "I've come this far, let me read this to the end". Only, it isn't about me breaking my leg. There. Gotcha!!

Sorry folks. I am in a silly mood today :) Couldn't help but take your trip. What I am really bugged about is the use of calculators in ELEMENTARY schools. Now, if you are one of those who think it's no big deal, please PLEASE do take a minute and leave me a comment with your views on this. I am just not able to comprehend why a 5th grader would need to use a calculator. And I did ask my daughter to show me the problems that she was told by her teacher to use a calculator for.

1.5 x 1,000

4,000 / 1,000

1.5 x 10

I am not kidding. I copied these questions directly from her homework assignment. This, for a kid who is already solving simple linear equations in one variable at KUMON. She is doing JUNIOR HIGH ALGEBRA at KUMON. And she has been told by her class teacher she could use a calculator to solve problems like the ones I have listed above. Now, I accept that the teacher said "could", but anyone who knows how 9 year old kids' minds work will immediately know that for them a "could" uttered by their teacher means "should".

My problem is not how to stop her from using a calculator, and I will list my reasons shortly. My problem is how to make her understand that she doesn't need to. That I am not a parent from hell for making her use her brains. That she is not uncool for not using a calculator. That, in fact, she should be considered super-cool for not needing a calculator for the stupid problems. How, in this screwed-up society where anyone doing good in academics is immediately ostracized for being a nerd, can I protect my daughter from the heartache that she will definitely face sometime in the future for being good at what she is supposed to be doing at school - studies. These are a few of my problems. Another problem is - how do I strike a balance between letting my daughter experience the thrill of finally using a calculator like older kids and making her use her brain for math that comes as easy to her as a tumble in the grass?

Now my reason for not wanting her to use a calculator for such simple math. It will rot her brains. As simple as that. OK - I am being dramatic. But what I mean is, she will lose her mathematical skills if she doesn't use them on a regular basis. Anyone who has studied math (and enjoyed it) would agree that math is all about practice. The more you practice, the better you get. The less you practice, more you forget. So if she starts using a calculator for such problems, she will start forgetting the simples principles and methods. We are not talking about someone who has been multiplying-dividing for a better part of 15 years. If that person starts using a calculator, they don't run the risk of forgetting the basic concepts. Though I can say with surety that they WILL lose some of their speed if they use the calculator long enough (not that it matters - if they are using math just for their day-to-day activities). But if a 9 year old, who has done multiplication-division for only a couple of years, and who still needs practice to keep up with her skills, starts using a calculator, you can be damn sure she is going to forget some concepts. She already did - couldn't figure out where to place the decimal point in the first problem.

I hate this trend of dumbing things down for the sake of those who can't keep up. We don't spend time in bringing the ones struggling up to the par. We push the others, who are doing well, down to their level. J and I didn't use calculators until we reached college. The first time I used a SIMPLE calculator (not a scientific one) was in B.Sc. second year for differential math. We studied trigonometry and probability, among other topics in 12th grade and weren't allowed to use calculators. So forgive me if I scoff at the idea of using a calculator for these stupid math problems.

So J and I explained our reasoning to her. She wasn't happy. She says even though she is sad over our decision, she can "live with it". I did propose a compromise - she can use the calculator occasionally in school, but not for her homework. And we told her we will revisit the issue once the problems they are working upon get more difficult. You see, if the rest of the class uses calculators and she doesn't, she will fall behind on the basis of speed. Which means either the class will have to wait for her or she will miss some problems. So when it becomes she can't keep up with their speed, we will let her use a calculator. But then THAT makes me mad. Why should a child have to use a calculator just because other kids are using it. When she is perfectly capable of doing all that math mentally? I will bring this up during the parent-teacher conferences in November but I don't think I am going to get a satisfactory answer. So I have to find an answer of my own. I have to strike my own balance. Any suggestions?

Where do I fit?

As far as hard-core feminists go, I probably am not a contender to be one. I agreed to my father-in-law's condition that I stay at home in order to marry his son. That is, I agreed not to work outside of home. I took my husband's last name. I stayed at home after my first daughter was born. Because I wanted to. I like to cook and "keep house". And, *gasp* I wear a bra!! Okay, the last one was my feeble attempt at humor.

But the fact is, if you look at my actions and decisions in the last decade and a half, I don't come across as a feminist. Yes, I made one choice that I regret - gave in to an unreasonable demand that I won't work outside of home. Apart from that, I don't regret any other decisions I made. Yet I believe that I AM a feminist.

You see, I believe feminism is not about working outside of home, or about keeping your name. It isn't even about not letting men open doors for you or giving up a seat for you in the bus. I think feminism is about choice. Being able to choose. As simple as that.

So I can choose to stay at home to look after my kids while my husband goes out to earn, because I believe that is the best thing for my family. Or I can choose to work and to send my kids to a daycare, if I believe that is what will benefit me and my family. Or I can stay home because I HAVE to - maybe the finances don't permit me to send the kids to the daycare or due to some medical condition my kid has due to which I am not comfortable sending her to daycare. As long as the decision is mine. As long as it is not imposed upon me. As long as I don't stay home because "that is what daughters in law of this family do". Sometimes these decisions cannot, and should not, be taken in isolation. Both partners have to make a joint decision. But as long as one partner's wish is not being imposed on the other, it should be fine.

Yet, I have seen so many males proudly proclaiming that they are very "open minded and forward thinking" because they insist their wife work outside of home. Or women admitting proudly they don't do anything around the house because, well because they are "educated" and "not like those women who stay home". I have a second cousin who refused to marry into a family because she did not want to do any house chores and they couldn't afford a full-time maid. I have seen people proudly say "Oh, we will let our daughter-in-law work outside the house if she wants to". I agree that it is pretty mature of them to do so, keeping in mind that there are countless others who stifle their daughters in law for the sake of their false pride. But is it really being "open minded"? That you "allow" your daughter in law to work? Isn't assuming that you can allow, or disallow an adult, quite contrary to being open minded and forward thinking??

And then, it gets tricky in my mind. You see, I also know and accept that the sexes are not biologically equal. Does that make me anti-feminism? That I accept my gender's limitations? I am not saying my gender should be discriminated against on this basis. So just because women are the (physically) weaker sex, doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed in mines or on battlefields or aboard spaceships. Equality of sexes, to me, means both sexes should be given an equal opportunity to try things. So, yes, a woman should be given a chance to opt for Mining as her major in engineering college. AND a man should be give an opportunity to be a stay-at-home dad if he wants to. Equality means both sexes should have same legal, financial and political rights. You get paid according to the effort you put in. You get a job if you can prove you are capable of doing it.

And no one, NO ONE, has the right to judge you on the basis of the choices you made.

A pretty confused, and confusing, post as has been the norm lately. I started out with a different train of thoughts and ended up with this. This has left me dissatisfied with the outcome but I will post it anyway.

Use your words

Note: I wrote this post just before I got laid off, and in the excitement (?? :D) of losing my job I forgot to put it up. I debated whether I should put it up now, after more than a month, and decided that I do want to. Even though things are a little different now, this is how I sometimes feel. So here goes...

This is what I say about my husband to friends, family and to J himself:

• He is a loving and responsible father and husband.
• He is my pillar of support. I know I can fall back on him, any day any time.
• He pitches in equally (sometimes more than that) with the kids and other responsibilities around the house.
• He is generous.
• He does not spend on himself even for things we can easily afford.
• He respects me.
• He puts family first.
• He is not at all selfish.

This is what J says about me:

• .......................................

And so it has been for the past 12 and a half years. Now, the wise and sane among you will say (and have said so in the past) that as long as he shows, with his actions, his appreciation, I should not mind. Well, I tried. But I still mind.Why is it so hard for him to give me what I have been asking for? Pleading for? When he KNOWS what I crave? And when I give it to him freely?

I'll tell you what this lack of appreciation has done to me. It has eaten away at my self-esteem, my sense of "worthiness" for my family. I have begun believing that I don't do anything for the family in comparison to what HE does. He brings in the bigger paycheck that pays for all our bills, mortgage, necessities. He loves us girls unconditionally. He carries his responsibilities to his family (us) steadfastly. He doesn't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm his family. He picks up the girls from school/daycare/camp. Takes S to her doctors' appointments.

What do I do? I don't pick up the girls. I don't take S to her doctors' appointments, though I do take M to hers. I bring in a minuscule amount of money that can't even pay for one month's expenses+mortgage. That is how I feel.

I sat down last night to reflect on it. And I realized what I do for our family/us.

• I love my family more than I love myself.
• I put my family's welfare/well being before mine.
• I honor the family budget. I have credit cards and J never questions me on any expenses. I have the freedom to spend. But I don't. J tried to turn this argument around by saying - I have never stopped you from... Well, THAT is not the point here. The point is that I DON't even though I have the means and opportunities to. THAT should count for something, yes?
• Yes, I have expensive tastes. And that is why I don't buy the things on my list of "I want" items. I am willing to wait until we have that kind of money. And if that never happens, it is fine with me too. Here also, J said "I have never said no to buying those things..." Zat is not ze point dear. Ze point is, I show restraint so our family doesn't suffer financial distress. Again, THAT should count for something. Right? Right!
• I make sure my family gets nutritious meals. At the same time I, again, take care of the budget by cooking at home.
• I love him and the girls unconditionally.
• I carry my responsibilities to our family steadfastly.
• I don't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm our family.
• I drop the girls off at school/daycare/camp.
• I take M to her doctors' appointments.

So you see, I am not completely useless in this family. I do carry some responsibilities sincerely.

This is what I told J the last time we argued over this. How this lack of appreciation is making me doubt my worth. It is dragging my morale down. The whole world sees and comments on how involved a parent he is. His mom commented how he was the best husband I could have ever hoped to find because he gifted me exactly what I wanted for my birthday. My parents commented how great he was to have agreed to take care of the girls while I paid a surprise visit to them for my mom's retirement. Coworkers and friends raise their eyebrows and exclaim "How nice!!" when I tell them how much he helps me and how there is nothing, that I do for the girls, that he can't do. I am not contesting any of these praises. I am the first one to accept that I hit a goldmine when I married him. My issue is not with the praise and accolades that he gets. I'd be the first one to tell you that he deserves all of it twice over.

My issue is with the praise I don't get from him or his parents or our friends. And frankly, I don't care about praise from friends and family. All I care about is appreciation from HIM. Because in absence of it, I am left wondering if he thinks I am slacking off, or that I am not pulling my weight in this relationship or if he even notices what I do around here.

A field trip and a few questions

Warning: A jumbled post ahead. Read at the risk of getting a migraine!

S went on a Team building field trip with her class this Monday to the YMCA in a town about 27 miles from here. Parents volunteered to drive the kids to and from there. Most field trips are like that - parents volunteer to chaperon or drive. I got laid off from my job last month so I grabbed this opportunity to go on a field trip with my daughter and get to see her classmates, to see how she interacts with them and to generally be with her.

There were two instructors who led the entire class through some fun games and activities that also help build team spirit. First they played a modified version of tag, then were given a "puzzle" which they solved by brainstorming together. All the while the instructors were driving home the point that things get easier when you work as a team, and that working as a team also means listening to your team. A very important lesson for 9 and 10 year old kids, believe me. Heck, an important lesson for many adults I know.

Then they were led into the woods on the YMCA property for more activities. One was rock climbing. They had a 45 feet tall wall made for rock climbing. The kids were told they will each get one chance to climb it but they had the "right to pass". S' school has this concept of "right to pass" where any child can take a pass on any activity if they don't feel comfortable doing it. I think it is a good idea because it prevents hurt self-esteems of kids who are forced to do something and fail, and it reduces teasing to a great extent. Everyone knows that all kids have the right to pass, so no one gets teased for opting out of an activity. Also, those who try and fail feel better that they at least tried.

Most of the kids tried, one opted to pass. Then when he saw how much fun it was to be swung down on a rope, he decided to give it a try too. The first kid climbed the ladder (the base of the wall was about 10 feet above ground and they had to use a ladder to get there) and as soon as he grabbed the first rock, he got scared and wanted to come down. No big deal, as these were just 10 year old kids. S went next and she decided she couldn't proceed after climbing 2 or 3 rocks. Down she came. Then the 3rd or 4th kid climbed the wall all the way to top and rang the bell. After that two girls scaled the entire wall. And there were a few other kids from the second group who did it too. The most interesting part of the wall climbing exercise was the reaction of the first boy's (let's call him R) dad, Mr. G. When the first girl climbed the wall to the top, he said out loud "Are you boys going to let a girl beat you?"

Later we proceeded to another activity where there were 5 tyres hanging from a rope tied between two tall trees. The tyres hung at different heights and the challenge was to move from one tyre to the other without touching the ground. If someone got stuck their teammates helped out by swinging into them to push them towards the next tyre. The first kid to reach the last tyre held on to the second-last tyre so they could swing it out to the next person. If someone touched the ground, they started all over again. R couldn't manage to do this one either and he really didn't mind. He was busy having fun, which WAS the ultimate goal. N, the girl who had scaled the wall, did this one fairly easily too. So Mr. G started pushing his son to do it because he couldn't "let a girl win". He was encouraging the girls and complimenting them on the accomplishments too, but he also kept saying "are you going to let a girl beat you?" all the time. I guess he thought he was providing a challenge and encouragement to the boys. He even got upset at his son because his son "is a boy scout and should be able to do such activities easily". The son, at one point, got upset at him for which I really don't blame him. When this had been going on for about 15-20 minutes, one boy turned to Mr. G (right after one of his "Are you gonna let a girl beat you?" remarks) and said "Mr. G, ever heard of being a gentleman?" to which Mr. G replied an enthusiastic "Of course!" The boy turned back and muttered loud enough for all of us to hear "Of course you have!". I gave him a mental high-five. Mr. G went strangely quiet after that, though he still did make sure that his son completed that activity at least ONE time.

What IS it with over-competitive parents? Can't they let their kids be? Just once let them enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination? Someone told me about a mom who was asking another parent about a technology magnet middle school in a nearby town. One of her questions? "How many kids from this school make it to Harvard and MIT?" I mean, come on! You are talking about middle school students. Give them an ambition by all means, but don't go around with a rigid yardstick for measuring success. S is very good at math. She is doing junior high algebra at KUMON while the rest of her class is still struggling with double digit multiplication and long division. While I would like for her to go into technology field (the sole reason being J and I understand technology better than we understand anything else and I know she has a similar aptitude), she has expressed interest in becoming a vet. I know at this age ambitions are not permanent. They can change a million times before they arrive at the point where they actually have to choose a career. But I would never even dream of telling S that one career could be better over something of her choice. Yes, I would like to give her facts, and maybe ask her to weigh her decision carefully (when she is old enough to make such decisions) but I would NEVER tell her what she should do. Then sometimes I think maybe I am doing this all wrong? Maybe I should push her, force her, tell her, impose my wishes a little more on her? I dunno. I sincerely hope I am doing the right thing.

Another thing that struck me at the field trip was the other extreme of this "make every kid feel valued" movement. Know how "all kids are special"? Which translates to "losers are as successful as winner because... well, because ALL of us are special". What IS it with this killing of the competitive spirit? A little, healthy competition can be very good for kids. They learn a lot of things from it - sportsman spirit, the drive to succeed, how to be a graceful loser. When the first kid scaled the climbing wall, S' teacher declared every kid who reached the top of that wall will receive five "school dollars". In S' school, kids receive these fake dollars for good behavior or a good academic performance etc. They can save these dollars and buy anything from the school store (that carries donated, but new, items or things like homework passes etc.) When the teacher declared the award, one kid immediately piped up - "It isn't fair to kids who can't get to the top". That really amused me and also made me a little sad and concerned. We have made our kids so politically correct that they have forgotten (or maybe never learnt) that good performance is awarded with rewards while a less-than-good performance doesn't get anything. That, to get a reward, you need to put in little more effort. It IS sad, isn't it? What also bothered me was that the teacher didn't grab that opportunity to discuss this with the kid(s).

Today I went to S' school to meet with the teacher who runs the Academically Talented (AT) program. A child needs to be placed in "Advanced" level for reading and writing to be recommended for AT. S missed the advanced level in writing by just 5 points (a small margin) and in reading by 15 points (a bigger one). So I know she cannot be recommended for the program, and she understands that too. And frankly, I am not very concerned about it either. In my opinion, the AT program does give them an opportunity to do many interesting things but it doesn't make or break anything for them academically. I just wanted to understand the procedure and requirements for being placed in advance placement classes in middle or high school. During my conversation with the teacher, she mentioned that I can tell S that apart from her actual performance, there are many other "stupid" factors that decide whether a student can be in AT or not. She meant to say - your daughter's lower-than-required score is not her fault. Well, I disagreed with her. My daughter's scores - good or bad - ARE a result of her efforts. Just like she won't credit someone else for a good score, she can't blame someone else for a bad one either.

I have seen and heard of parents covering for their kids bad performances in tests. Moms call professors in their kids' college to "talk" about their scores. I don't know - if my parents ever did that, I would have disowned them for humiliating me so completely. Parents hover over their kids while they do their homework, write their reports for them. This might be considered "good parenting" but I am sure the college professors won't be receiving a phone call from this mom. If my daughter didn't study for an exam, she WILL face the consequences. When will we let our kids take the responsibility for their actions and face the music? The sooner we do that in their lives, the better it is for them. This lesson learnt early in life means there are less costly mistakes further down the line. When will the parents understand that?

Who, me??

Itchy, Suki, Dottie and Sraikh have honored me with this award. I am speechless honestly, as I only write about mundane stuff (my kids, my life and sometimes my opinions) that I didn't think would interest anyone.

Itchy gave it to me along time back and then Suki and Dottie. And now very recently, Sraikh. The last one is so recent that Sraikh hasn't had a chance to even leave a comment on my blog to inform me :D (I came to know of it through Google link alert). I am extremely sorry ladies, for the delay in accepting it. It isn't that I don't appreciate this thoughtful gesture on your parts. I was busy preparing the acceptance speech but as it turns out, I forgot it once I got to the "stage" :P So, without further ado, I accept it most gratefully and (am supposed to) pass it on to seven others. Now it so happens that the very ladies who presented me this award are among the seven I would have chosen. So I was left with the task of finding four more.

Brilliant Weblog is a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design. The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogsphere.

First, here are the rules:

1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back

2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’

4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

5. And then we pass it on!

Now for the seven bloggers who, I think, deserve this award (though I do think I am not brilliant enough to award them):

1. Anurag from DogJournals. He writes brilliantly. He was the person who goaded me into starting my own blog. Encouraged me with his comments on the most boring of my posts. And now has all but disappeared from the blogging world because he is very busy in real life. He has always been brilliant. Always. Was my first best buddy, and still is. The only person, apart from J, I go to when I am extremely depressed. My brilliant little brother.

2. Priya from PriyainSuburbia. Writes brilliantly. Presents her thoughts so coherently that I can never even dream of doing.

3. Roop from RoopScoop. Another brilliant writer and a gem of a person. Her passion for helping the disadvantaged I admire. And her strength amazes me.

4. Rohini from Mamasaysso. A career woman and a hot mama. Someone I hope to learn a lot from. Her poise in expressing her opinion, the clarity of thoughts and the fine balance between career and family life she maintains - I envy he for all that.

5. Lumi from Lumismusings. I have learnt a lot from her, and have a lot to learn still. She gives me clarity of thought when I am confused and provides sound and sane advice when I need it the most.

6. Grail from Just some Grail. She knows how to laugh - at herself AND the world - even when the tides are against her. Her boys are her life and she is the kind of mom I hope I'll become even if for just one day of my life. She inspires me with her optimism.

7. Kiran from Karmickids. She is the kind of mom I hope of becoming. Dedicated, determined and completely devoted to her son. She is the kind of woman I wish I could be - stylish, grounded, well-read, with a great sense of humor.

Am I really??

Catching a movie along with good food and fun friends often beats a wild night out. Why not enjoy a brisk ride in a horse carriage or a fine wine from a good year. You love life and don't feel the need to live it in fast forward. You are really hot because you're already so cool with your life.

Few more "Ninni-isms"

God, I'm getting old! I meant to record all that M has been doing these past few months and I forgot thes two "gems". One - she loves saying "mama". Not because I am her favorite, but becase while saying that, she can blow spit bubbles. So each "mama" comes out slowly and deliberately, with a spit bubble forming and getting bigger. And she does it in all seriousness - not a smile, not a twinge of merriment in her eyes. She gets so engrossed in it that just making a bigger, better bubble seems to be the next stop :) I don't remember when she started doing it - it has been at least 4 months.

And.....

I forgot the other one. AAAAARGH!! Is age really catching up on me? This swiss-cheese memory is driving me nuts! I forget things I was going to say mid-sentence. I am not kidding you! I am glad I don't forget the way to my home!

OH YESSSSSS!!!!! I remember now, what I wanted to record next. (See the NEED to put down these memories on this blog? I'd forget all of them by the next birthday otherwise)

You ask M - "OK??" and she nods her head, smiling. Sometimes, depending on her mood, she might even shake it in a "No", but mostly it is a nod. You don't have to precede the "OK" with a valid question. Just asking "OK?" in a concerned tone is enough to get her response.

And with this, my shabby memory brings up another forgotten incident. Last Sunday I had invited a few friends from work over for lunch. While I was busy cooking in the kitchen, S called out and asked me to come take a look. When I went into the living room, this sight greeted me - M, behind an end table that had a glass vase with some flowers in it, had pushed it out a few feet and was concentrating on pushing it further, maybe she wanted to take it to the next room. Really grunting with the effort. The only thing hindering her path? The darned wall! For a little while we had a little push-war. I, trying to push the table back in its place, and M trying to push it out. Our camera is on the blink and we haven't quite finalized which one we want to buy next, so unfortunately no pictures of that.

But, in the meanwhile, here are a few pics that one of the friends (who came over that day for lunch) took with his camera. Yenjoy!!

More to come....

Oh, and I forgot

That she LOVES trucks! The ride-on kind. So we got her one that can be converted into a wagon later. Its awaiting assembly. And there is this small car that belonged to S. M loves to play with it.

She has this cute way of sitting on the raised platform in front of our fireplace - she turns her back to it and then slowly backs into it until her legs touch the platform. Then gently, very lady-like, she lowers herself and them beams at us! And we have caught her trying to sit on other things in a similar fashion - a bottle of Vicks Vaporub, a shoe, a block from her set of blocks. Puts the item on floor, backs into it gingerly and sits down, trying to center her butt perfectly on the teeny item that she is trying to sit on. And the quiet determination with which she does this is hilarious to watch. Our camera is on the blink, so unfortunately, no pics for the moment.

She has discovered a light switch in our family room that she can play with if she climbs on the bed right next to the wall (big sis S helpfully showed her how). J spent one whole Sunday afternoon trying to get her to stay away from it. Then shut the door in frustration. Monday, I heard her giggling in the family room and heard a tick-tock sound. Went in to find she was at it again. I raised one eyebrow, wagged my finger and said "Uh-unh!!" and the little miss backed away! I tried that 4 or 5 more times with the switch playing AND other things and found, to my amusement, that my "Uh-unh" had an immediate effect on her. It stopped her in her tracks! Every time. So I told J when he came home. He tried it next. No result. (Giggle) I tried it - little miss made a fake sad face, cried a fake cry and backed away and then ran away "crying" :P We had fun just for the heck of it a few times more - M going at the switch, I going "Uh-unh" and she backing away with a fake cry and a fake sad face :) It seems to have slipped her mind. But if I know my determined little girl, she is just waiting for her chance!

First Year of M (And us, a family of 4)

She is walking faster, more confidently. She has a temper. She also has a sweet nature, if you can imagine it coexisting with a monstrous temper :D She is naughty, determined and she hasn't been the star of a post on this blog in a long time. She said "milt" clearly yesterday morning, when J placed her in the high chair and she saw her sippy cup of milk. Oh, that reminds me! She has been weaned from the bottle. Completely!!

And she throws really high-quality, best-value-for-money, ring-side-seat worthy, sooper-dooper-jumbo tantrums!! She threw one yesterday. Non-stop screeching, screaming, crying, not-eating, not-drinking-"milt", not-letting-go-of-sippy-cup ONE-FRIGGIN'-HOUR-LONG tantrum. What did I do? Didn't lose my temper for one. And I am mighty proud of it :) I am getting really good with not losing my temper with this one. Only thing that makes me feel guilty is that I did lose my temper with S for lesser/smaller things when she was little. I guess first children lose out in that respect. But they teach an invaluable lesson to their parents. Of tolerance, of tuning oneself out during a whine or a tantrum, of not whacking or not yelling or of not doing whatever the parent might be feeling guilty of doing to the older child. They are the best on-the-job training one can get :)

I have been told by my mom that my father used to whack me one every now and then. "MY father?" I asked incredulously when this information was passed on. I don't remember the whacking. But then my father wrote me a long email once telling me how he feels guilty that he used to occasionally smack me if I were being stubborn. (And for the record, I wouldn't blame him - I WAS that kind of stubborn :P) And he said by the time my younger brother came along, he had learnt to control his anger much better. He advised me to learn to control my temper with S or I would have to field the same guilt one day. He was so right! But on a separate note to my brother - you should be thankful to me buddy, that I "trained" pa!

Anyway, so getting back to the little monster. She turned one and I didn't write about it. She had a birthday party and I didn't write about it. She is being transitioned to the "Toddlers' room" at her daycare and... well, I am writing about it now :P Yesterday's tantrum was probably a result of the stress of being in a new environment and missing her favorite care providers.

Most days she wakes up and keeps playing in her crib on her own until one of us stirs. Not a peep out of her until then. As soon as one of us as much as lets out a slight cough, she is up, holding the crib's railing with one hand, and dragging her blanket up with another, calling out "eh?". And the calls become insistent if we pretend not to hear (which we do sometimes, the meanie parents that we are!) Only occasionally, if she is probably hungry or wants a diaper change RIGHT NOW, does she wake us up by crying. Of course, I know that Murphy's whatever law dictates that tomorrow she WILL wake up crying. So consider it already recorded here.

Her most favorite toy is a plastic kitchen clip inside a transparent plastic container, which she endlessly pulls out and puts back in. Sometimes I give her containers in different shapes, sizes and colors and that just triples the fun you know! Loves going to the dishwasher and smiling at her reflection in the shiny black surface. (Please note my subtle way of telling you that yes! I wipe and clean the dishwasher!!) Loves fruits of all kinds. Her daycare provider tells me that she can't cut up peaches fast enough for M to eat. She loves cherries, strawberries, papayas, mangoes, watermelons and bananas.

She is a social animal as has been demonstrated on many occasions at functions, parties and get-togethers. At her own birthday party, she ate lunch with one of her aunts, played with one of her cousins, went to everyone who would care to look in her direction, blissfully ate all the strawberries she could lay her hands on and didn't go to sleep until the last guest had departed with a cheerful "bye".

She has cut many, many teeth. I haven't counted, and I haven't "explored". And she didn't show many external "signs" of teething either. She'd be a little cranky and stop eating and we'd guess that she must be cutting a tooth.

She has been sick a lot of times during the last 14 months. Has had 5 or 6 ear infections, many stomach upsets, stomach upsets due to lactose intolerance, numerous coughs, colds, fevers and yes, one cut lip too. But all through it she has remained the (half) joy of our life (the other half being S), the laughter in our home (one half of the laughter, the other half being S'), the shine on our faces and the light in our hearts (again, half of each: S completes the other half).

Letter to a spectator

Dear "Uncleji",

You didn't say anything that day on the train, when I slapped that boy because he had been caressing me, touching me and lifting my skirt while I was sleeping. You even looked the other way when I slapped him and yelled at him. You pretended you hadn't heard me. You probably even smirked at me when I sat scared on my berth that he was going to come back with his friends and drag me off the train.

Probably you don't have a mother or a sister at home. Or even a daughter. Or, maybe you do, and you have trained them to keep quiet and not draw any attention to themselves. Maybe they don't even dress "that way" and hence don't go asking for trouble.

Kudos to you, uncleji, for doing such a great job!

Thank you for not speaking up for me that day. That taught me a few lessons. I learnt not to rely on people around me for help. I learnt to be extra careful while traveling on public transport. Most important of all, I learnt how not be.

Sincerely,

Cee

Note: This post is a participation entry for Blank Noise Spectators Special. Go ahead. Participate!

Let the records show...

That Ninni-The-Pooh is 1 year, 2 months and 3 days old today! Silly numbers! Silly mommy!! :D

Of respect in relationships

S and I are developing a routine where we go to the library every Monday. She is all showered and homeworked when I get home on Mondays. Then we have dinner and then head out to the library around 8. The library stays open late, until 9 pm, on Mondays. S gets two videos/dvds and a few books if she is done reading the current ones. I get a book, or not - depending on my mood and schedule.

Today while coming back from the library, we somehow started talking about relationships - as in boyfriends and husbands. S mentioned she hopes she'd find an Indian guy just like her daddy - who'd be as good a husband to her as her dad is to me (and that J is the best husband anyone could ever have is a fact). I grabbed that chance with both hands to talk to her about something I had been thinking of for a long time. Respect in a relationship. Specially, a husband's respect for his wife. Which, in my opinion, is more or less absent in many relationships I have seen around me. The husbands love their wives alright, care about them and for them too. But they don't hold respect for their wives' opinions on "serious" matters. Some, I have seen, don't even respect their wives - period. For them, respect flows from wife to husband, not the other way round. Sure, equal marriages are on the rise and I have many more friends who will jump in and say their marriage is an equal relationship. And I will agree with them. I am just talking about the relationships I have been observing at close quarters.

So, I got talking to S about respect in a relationship and how she should expect nothing less. This, I think, is what ALL parents need to teach their daughters. EXPECT respect from your partner. If you don't get it, the relationship isn't right for you. I also had this conversation with S because just today I and a few blogger friends were discussing why professionally competent women, beautiful women, successful women stay in abusive relationships. In my opinion it is directly related to their self-esteem and, in some cases, lack of support from parents. I want S to understand that no relationship is bigger than her self-esteem and happiness. That there is, and should always be, a way out from an abusive relationship. Sometimes I worry that she might end up in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical. It can be verbal and emotional too - and that is why I stressed on the "respect" aspect of a relationship. If your partner respects you, he/she will not abuse you in any way. That is my simplistic theory. And I hope S never has/needs to test it.

I have a cousin who is in an abusive marriage. Many family members agree on it - even though they probably wouldn't categorize it as "abusive". And that is not because it isn't so, but because the definition of an "abusive relationship" is very blurred and confusing. Coming back to the cousin - I asked her younger sister why she doesn't walk out on the marriage? Sister says because she wants to give her daughters stability and doesn't want to subject them to a broken home. Also, because she gets almost no support from her dad. Her dad, my uncle, tells her to "adjust". I feel there is only a certain limit to which a person can, and should, adjust. I also think this is the cruelest thing Indian parents (mostly) do to their daughters. Telling them to adjust. How can a person ignore what their daughter is going through and just issue a blanket dictate to "adjust"? My blood boils at it. Parents have the DUTY to cultivate enough self-confidence in their daughters so that they don't stay stuck in an abusive relationship. I, personally, wouldn't even depend on my parents to get me out of an abusive relationship (unless I needed their help in getting out safely). I would end a relationship the minute it started bordering on abuse. And go out and make a life for myself and my kids. Support from my parents would be welcome and appreciated but I wouldn't depend on it. I guess that kind of attitude depends on two factors - a person's temperament and their support system, namely parents and other close family members. If my parents brought me up in a traditional way, I might have had the same mind set. But then the same cousin's sister walked out of her home and declared she was going to report her in-laws to the police for abuse. She had been having issues at her in-law's place too. Just the declaration brought her in-laws (and husband) back to their senses and now she lives with them minus the issues. Real sisters, same parents, same (non-existent) support system. Two different outcomes. So, it really does depend on the person too. This is what I want S to understand. That she will have options. And she will have J's and my support.

I told J about this conversation when we got home (and after S had gone to bed). He agreed that he would encourage S to walk out of a relationship if it got abusive. That we will teach her to place her safety and peace of mind above everything else. I pray that S and M find partners who really love and respect them. Another thought springs into my mind with this sentence. At a recent party, a friend commented that she just hopes her sons (she has two) bring home Indian girls. She meant to say she isn't going to be particular about caste or religion. Another said she just hopes they bring home a girl (she has two sons too). She doesn't care about caste, religion OR nationality. My question is - what if your child comes home and tells you he/she is gay? Personally, I just hope that my daughters find a loving partner. Frankly I'll blow my top if one of my daughters told me she doesn't want to go to college but I won't blink an eye if she informed me that she is a lesbian. Really. I have given it serious thought and I know how I feel. Looking at all the unequal and/or unhappy marriages around me, all I want is for my daughters to find partners who truly care about them. Who would love them, respect them and be their support when I am gone.

And I hope somewhere, someone is teaching their sons (and daughters) about respecting their life-partner too.

While you are at it, don't breathe too hard either

Don't spit. Don't visit your neighbors in pajamas and slippers. Queue up politely. And whatever you do, DO NOT WEAR WHITE SOCKS WITH BLACK LEATHER SHOES!!!

This is what Beijing residents have been told by their government in preparations for the Olympic games. Another advice is "there shouldn't be more than three color groups in your clothes". WTF???? So now visitors will be offended by extremely colorful clothes? And white socks with black leather shoes? How about they tell everyone to stick to only three color group flowers in their garden, and color co-ordinate the flowers with those of their neighbors while they are at it. Don't grow red flowers next to purple - the two colors don't go that well togehter, you know!

I understand the efforts to make a place more beautiful, advising people to be gracious and courteous but this?? Isn't it taking things a little too far? If someone wants to visit my home, they better come prepared for the colors I like to wear. They better get used to whatever eccentricities I might have - as long as they are not harmful to others or extremely rude. If I like to wear red socks with white trousers and black shoes, so be it. If I like to take a round of my garden in my pajamas and slippers, I will. What kind of visitors will take exception to such things anyway?

There is such a thing as making a place more inviting for visitors. Asking people to behave graciously and courteously can be considered as an effort in that direction. Telling them not to spit and establishing laws against that kind of behaviour will be welcome. Cleaning the streets will make the place more inviting and appealing. But asking residents to change their wardrobe? Is that practical or even necessary? There's hospitality. And then there's pure ridiculosity (Yes that is a word).

Silly Numbers - again

Mitthi Mouse is 9 years and 9 months old today

Accomplishment of the week

I have been working on teaching M this for a long time.

I ask her "Where's the drama queen?", take her hand and pat it on her chest saying "this, this, this".

Two days ago I did this a few times and then put her in the car seat to drop her off at the daycare. While strapping her in I asked her "Where's the drama queen?" and she obliged by patting herself and giving me a big grin.

And once I asked her "You are the drama queen, yes?". She nodded with a big smile. I wish I had a video of the moment.

Last week (or maybe the week before that), Ms. Gina, her care provider at the daycare wrote this in her daily update that we get from the daycare - "... She is truly the queen of the room now." So we are in agreement - doesn't matter that they didn't write the word "drama". They sure think so!

Long overdue book tag

Amuser tagged me a LONG time ago to:

Pick up the nearest book.

Open to page 123.Find the fifth sentence.

Post the next three sentences.

Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you .

I have been reading the Cisco Exam Certification Guide. I thought I'd share the pain with you. These are the three sentences after the fifth sentence on page 123-

For example, consider 130.4.102.1, with mask 255.255.255.0. Because the third octet of the mask is not a 0 or 255, the third octet is where the interesting part of the shortcut takes place. You create a subnet chart, fill in the address and mask, and draw a box around the third octet as shown in Table 4-26.

There are many more such painful sentences in this book. In fact, the whole book is full of them! Truthfully though, this is my favorite chapter in the whole book. I love binary math. I love subnetting exercises. Because I know I can score a 100% in them. I wish the whole exam was based on just IP addressing and subnetting and route summarization :D But I wouldn't have missed NAT or PAT or Frame Relay and ISDN. Specially the latter two. The thing is, I can remember anything indefinitely once I do it. Just reading theory and memorizing is not my strength. That is why I never liked social sciences or literature. I am a "hands-on" gal. And I would definitely like to get my hands on the person who developed the concept of certification exams!

I am not tagging anyone as I am probably the last person doing this tag.