Note: I wrote this post just before I got laid off, and in the excitement (?? :D) of losing my job I forgot to put it up. I debated whether I should put it up now, after more than a month, and decided that I do want to. Even though things are a little different now, this is how I sometimes feel. So here goes...
This is what I say about my husband to friends, family and to J himself:
- He is a loving and responsible father and husband.
- He is my pillar of support. I know I can fall back on him, any day any time.
- He pitches in equally (sometimes more than that) with the kids and other responsibilities around the house.
- He is generous.
- He does not spend on himself even for things we can easily afford.
- He respects me.
- He puts family first.
- He is not at all selfish.
This is what J says about me:
- .......................................
And so it has been for the past 12 and a half years. Now, the wise and sane among you will say (and have said so in the past) that as long as he shows, with his actions, his appreciation, I should not mind. Well, I tried. But I still mind.Why is it so hard for him to give me what I have been asking for? Pleading for? When he KNOWS what I crave? And when I give it to him freely?
I'll tell you what this lack of appreciation has done to me. It has eaten away at my self-esteem, my sense of "worthiness" for my family. I have begun believing that I don't do anything for the family in comparison to what HE does. He brings in the bigger paycheck that pays for all our bills, mortgage, necessities. He loves us girls unconditionally. He carries his responsibilities to his family (us) steadfastly. He doesn't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm his family. He picks up the girls from school/daycare/camp. Takes S to her doctors' appointments.
What do I do? I don't pick up the girls. I don't take S to her doctors' appointments, though I do take M to hers. I bring in a minuscule amount of money that can't even pay for one month's expenses+mortgage. That is how I feel.
I sat down last night to reflect on it. And I realized what I do for our family/us.
- I love my family more than I love myself.
- I put my family's welfare/well being before mine.
- I honor the family budget. I have credit cards and J never questions me on any expenses. I have the freedom to spend. But I don't. J tried to turn this argument around by saying - I have never stopped you from... Well, THAT is not the point here. The point is that I DON't even though I have the means and opportunities to. THAT should count for something, yes?
- Yes, I have expensive tastes. And that is why I don't buy the things on my list of "I want" items. I am willing to wait until we have that kind of money. And if that never happens, it is fine with me too. Here also, J said "I have never said no to buying those things..." Zat is not ze point dear. Ze point is, I show restraint so our family doesn't suffer financial distress. Again, THAT should count for something. Right? Right!
- I make sure my family gets nutritious meals. At the same time I, again, take care of the budget by cooking at home.
- I love him and the girls unconditionally.
- I carry my responsibilities to our family steadfastly.
- I don't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm our family.
- I drop the girls off at school/daycare/camp.
- I take M to her doctors' appointments.
So you see, I am not completely useless in this family. I do carry some responsibilities sincerely.
This is what I told J the last time we argued over this. How this lack of appreciation is making me doubt my worth. It is dragging my morale down. The whole world sees and comments on how involved a parent he is. His mom commented how he was the best husband I could have ever hoped to find because he gifted me exactly what I wanted for my birthday. My parents commented how great he was to have agreed to take care of the girls while I paid a surprise visit to them for my mom's retirement. Coworkers and friends raise their eyebrows and exclaim "How nice!!" when I tell them how much he helps me and how there is nothing, that I do for the girls, that he can't do. I am not contesting any of these praises. I am the first one to accept that I hit a goldmine when I married him. My issue is not with the praise and accolades that he gets. I'd be the first one to tell you that he deserves all of it twice over.
My issue is with the praise I don't get from him or his parents or our friends. And frankly, I don't care about praise from friends and family. All I care about is appreciation from HIM. Because in absence of it, I am left wondering if he thinks I am slacking off, or that I am not pulling my weight in this relationship or if he even notices what I do around here.
This is the one of the first times I have ever commented on any blog...but what you wrote really struck a chord with me, since I feel exactly the same way.
ReplyDeleteMy hubby also is terrific with our boys and gets duly praised by one and all--from family, friends etc.
My contributions are either taken for granted or not acknowledged...good think i have a good sized ego (!) and try and remind myself of all that I do if i've forgotten haha.
Dear Cee you run a well oiled household - your husband and kids look very very happy - men are dumb that way - they don't express their feelings and appreciation in so many words (okay, mine does). I'm sure that although he doesnt say it in so many words , he is proud of you. You are one of the nicest persons I've met in recent times .
ReplyDeleteArggh MEN! Dont put yourself down CK. You do a lot for the girls and your family.
ReplyDeleteHow's the boot camp going?
Are you looking for another job or staying home now?
Did i write this post? Can I copy this post to my blog? hahaha..just kidding. But I guess this is the topic of the season and many women I come across these days have the same issue including me. But I guess we all have to face it. We have no choice. Even if I show this post to my husband, it wouldn't affect him in any way. I guess men are like that.
ReplyDeleteBut each and every word of your post implies to me too...so atleast I feel a li'l relieved that I am not alone.
When I talk about all this to my mom , she says its my duty... and that I should be happy to have got such a nice husband.
But there is one good thing in my life. My mom-in-law compensates for everything. She always appreciates me, be it looks, the work i do..anything. And when she is home with me, I feel much better, than I feel with my husband. It may sound funny..but that's true.
Hello, I am not a lurker, I think I have commented before. but still...I dont delurk often. So to your point, I can relate with you. DA was also like this and still like that. We have had arguments and fights and what not about it. There was a time and there still are days, when I feel that he thinks I am worthless. And BTW all this when he does not even help as much as you said J does.
ReplyDeleteBut now I have stopped thinking about it, I dont care. And since if I said 10 nice things about him, I was expecting atleast one in return, and was getting disappointed, I stopped saying even 1 of those.
It is understood and accepted now that we dont praise each other in words.
BTW DA is also from Indore, could it be something wrong in the air there? :D he he eh
Anon: Good for you! I should take that page out of your book.
ReplyDeleteRuma Mashi (OK if I call you that heer?): See? Your husband expresses his appreciation! Means this is no "males can't do" thing. Thanks for the kind words mashi but the fact remains that you are still in HIS camp. Hmph!! :D
Sorry about missing your blog in my blogroll. I haven't updated it in a long time but will do so now - PROMPTLY!
Asaaan: Boot camp got over in one month. Now I have joined a gym and try to work out at least 3-4 days a week. Trying to build it up to 5 days. I am staying at home for now - will start looking in January after we return from our trip to India.
Aargee: So glad to hear that your MIL appreciates you. And feel free to pick this up and post at your blog :P Mail him a copy after that. Just spoke to J and he was laughing about it and pulling my leg saying I am "husband-bashing" :P
NC: I think I remember that you commented once. I remember you saying your husband is from Indore too. Was that you? Now that I have found your blog, I intend to hang out there as well. As for "Indore ki air", I think hava-pani sabhi kuchh kharab hai :D
I am surprised to see YOU think this way CK. Here I was feeling inadequate each time I read one of your posts, thinking 'Wow, CK does so much for her family!!! I must take inspiration from her.' I hope that makes you feel a little better, honestly I have thought this after reading EACH one of your posts. :)
ReplyDeleteAbout J's silence, I can understand your situation since I am in a similar one myself. My husband is wonderful too ;-) but he's one of those why-do-i-need-to-say-i-love-you? don't-you-know-that-already? types! And I always tell him, yes I know you appreciate me, but I want to HEAR it every other day too. :) My way of making him do this, sulking a little or being unusually silent for a while has worked so far, but we have only been married 3 years now, so I don't know about the future.
I hope J gets the message soon. Since he loves you very much, once he truly understands how you feel, he will surely want to do everything possible to make you feel better. Now to get him to understand... tough job, eh? :)
About family, never mind! I have noticed Indian men are praised to the skies for moving a plate from the dining table to the sink, so... :) I have learned to completely ignore these things now!
As you mentioned in your post, you might have written this when you had a lot going on in your life and you might be in a better place now, emotionally.
ReplyDeleteDon't sell yourself short. You are an amazing and inspirational mom and a compassionate person. Your kids will grow up to be well-balanced, intelligent and kind because of you ( and your husband ). J can't miss seeing that.
Most guys don't articulate their feeling easily, just like they can't multi-task!! Don't let that get you down. He sounds like he loves you and the girls immensely.
For what it's worth, I truly appreciate the kindness you showed when I needed a friendly ear.
Oops, this is a long comment!
You know, this is all so familiar. Women and their duties and commitment towards their families are always taken for granted. It's like - you're just doing your share of work - and any little thing men do are made a big deal of - it's so frustrating. But men are less vocal and ill communicate their appreciation - but, it's damn frustrating nonetheless. A post straight after my heart.
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for almost a year now, came here when I read about shahi samosa, I am from jodhpur and have been living in Inddore for two years now. And I have a six month old bby. See the similarities, which continue with this post.
But I have to confess after almost four years of bickering the husband is learning :P
awww...cheer up!
ReplyDeletesometimes men really don't get these emotional things..
My suggestion: write this post down like a letter with anyhting else that u might want tosay. Explain how its important for you to know that he appreciates you ad thinks you are an important peg in the wheel....
I think with us, I am in J's place. I have made a concious effort to praise BG - he does a lot of things. He has always complimented me on the dinners I put on the table. Rarely does he say he didn't like when I know the dinner was below par. Or tells me he feels sad for the stuff I want but can't have because finances won't allow it. He praises the way I run the house and work and even takes a minute to appreciate how clean the fridge looks. I rarely notice what he does unless he points out. I think I just got the glimpse of the other side here. Thanks for knocking some sense into this head.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a man thing. I adore my husband, but he's the same where praise is concerned. It's like trying to extract teeth.
ReplyDeleteIs he the tongue tied sort in general?
ReplyDeletePup's the odd one out in this ... He's quite good in appreciating me for the things I do. He has his vices, this is certainly not one of them.
ReplyDeleteFor that matter, I go overboard telling the whole world how great and supportive and caring he is.
The only difference in the way we both say it is he says it to me, and I say it to the world. But we both use our words (YAY, i used your title)
:)
And trust me, I know how much that means...
hey CK...men are engineered a different way..they just CANNOT appreciate...We all go thru this..our parents ,friends,inlaws are convinced that we hit a gold mine..Don`t expect him to praise you..period...u do it yourself!!Love yourself for what you are..and cheer up...men are from mars remember?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I do not accept that men are not capable of appreciation! That's B.S.!!
ReplyDeleteWhat about at work? Don't they appreciate their peers or superiors or sub-ordinates? If that's possible, then why not with the wife??
Don't they appreciate our kids when they so much as sneeze?
And, you're not asking for insincere praises! Just what you rightly deserve!!
Something for you on my blog! :)
ReplyDeleteHope you are feeling better CK!
ReplyDeleteHugs and more hugs to you...
Thanks for putting me on your blogroll...you are the first one ever...so thanks a lot!! :D
ReplyDeleteOne man's gold medal is his wife's basic duty. Ah, such is life. But you, CeeKay, you ain't no wife just fulfilling duties. You are such a terrific mom - a thinking mom. Sometimes, nobody realizes how efficient and important a system is till it actually goes down - so perhaps your family's silence is a testament to your excellent...uh...uptime. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that not getting validated sucks.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your job. The marketplace is so f-ed up these days.
--
Null Pointer
i've been reading everyone's comments here since u posted this ... just didnt know what to add. you know the situation, you know the reasons, you know the solutions, you know it all, you're much smarter than i ... you're merely expressing the frustrations all of us (women) feel at times. so, i had nothin' to add and kept quiet ...
ReplyDeletereason i spoke today is because today he caressed my stomach as i was lying on sofa and he sittin by me talkin to me ...
"your skin is so smooth", he said
... and that actually made me smile and tell him that i really don't feel attractive anymore cuz he never 'tells' me. i mean, i know i'm not unattractive but i want to hear from him. just as we know we're not useless but we want hear our partners say it. he promised he'd be more conscious ... let's see though... :))
Have you seen the film My Fair Lady?
ReplyDeleteWhen Freddy keeps talking of his love, Eliza has had enough of words:
Words!
Words! Words! I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love,
Show me! Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire. If you're on fire,
Show me! Here we are together in the middle of the night!
Don't talk of spring! Just hold me tight!
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that
This is no time for a chat! Haven't your lips
Longed for my touch? Don't say how much,
Show me! Show me! Don't talk of love lasting through time.
Make me no undying vow. Show me now!
Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!
Don't talk of June, Don't talk of fall!
Don't talk at all! Show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word.
There isn't one I haven't heard.
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream;
Say one more word and I'll scream!
Haven't your arms Hungered for mine?
Please don't "expl'ine," Show me! Show me!
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!
Maybe he believes in showing that he loves you rather than telling.
But I love sweet words too, even if I need to demand them at gunpoint:)
Devaki: You flatter me :) yes, trying to get him to remember to compliment IS a tough job. But we are getting there - he complimented me on how hard I worked yesterday :D
ReplyDeleteChips: I am glad I could help you even a little bit, though I sincerely wish I could do more than just "listen". Yes, he does love us but that shouldn't let him off the hooks for compliments, right? :P
Mystic: I seem to have found a big community with this post :)
This is a universal flaw in men, few women are lucky or I can say some modern boys learn the habit of appreciating verbally.
ReplyDeleteBut i will say that he is appreciating you by doing all the things he does, do u think he will do so much if you were not good, then he would be a catankerous husband, not doing anything well. Its ur support only which makes him what he is, and all that praise is partly because of u.
so come on girl, cheer up:) u r as good as u think.
It is good if u can get verbal appreciation, but not getting it is not the end of the world.He is showing it by his deeds, its even better, nobody brings a good gift for a bad wife:)
Well, I do shoulder a majority of the responsibility but I still don't get any appreciation... much worse, that is...
ReplyDeleteCee, I understand. I used to shamelessly ask. Even then, sometimes I'd not get. But slowly he learnt how much it means to me, and has consciously changed his ways. I guess it will take some time for your husband too. Just hang in there!
ReplyDeleteOh hey Cee - C'mon you're such a terrific mom, woman, person, et al. Your hsuband probably thinks his words wont do you justice.
ReplyDeleteIts another thing that the whole world doesnt bat an eyelid if we just did bloody EVERYTHING on our own, it's expected. But the min a man decides to do somehting other than bring home a paycheck (even that sometimes) is regarded as something to crow about.
To me that shows how advanced as a species we women are. Lol.
Is this complacency a man thing? I'm flummoxed because I've been going through the exact same thing in my marriage. The worst is when you have past experiences to compare your present ones with. I mean, when you remember how he used to do all of this appreciating, praising, speaking up bit, it's more frustrating that he doesn't do it anymore. All this while you're giving in still more of yourself to the relationship.
ReplyDeleteBickering, gun-point...nothing worked in my case, so I have stopped expecting it and stopped praising him when he helps with kids or around the house the way I used to since he should understand it too without words ! right? For eg. I don't start praising him when I walk in from work ( when he has a day off) and see the kitcen tidy, house vaccumed and dusted, kids taken to library, park etc...untill....he points it out to me what all he has done, fishing for some appreciating words and THEN I thank him casually. ITs fun to watch him not stop at that point and he goes on showing what other work he has done to ease my work load!! He still doesn't get it that I need to hear some appreciation in words from time to time from him too ! Man, these men!! Aaaargh...
ReplyDeleteBut, when he wakes me with a cup of chai and hugs me every morning and tells me that he loves me, I take it as his appreciation cos I know that I won't get anything more out of him, nothing has worked so far and I have been trying for last 12 yrs ;-)
Oh, and when my family starts praising him for all he does for me, I just tell them that I do a lot too in case they haven't noticed.
Ni: Ooooh! Small world, huh? Good that the husband is learning :) Mine learns then forgets and then we go all over it again :)
ReplyDeleteChandni: All my posts get emailed ot him. That is the only way for me to get him to read my blog. For this one he even came to the blog itself - when I told him a few comments were in his favor :D Problem is - he understands and accepts that I need appreciation, but never implements on it. He is learning now.
Dottie: I officially hate you. OKAY?? :) Good that I could make TWO people see sense with one post.
Amuser: LOL! Yes, It IS like trying to extract teeth.
Mumbaigirl: Yes he is - but only when it comes to compliments. Thankfully not in saying "I love you".
GND: I hate you too. :P
My Space: From the comments it seems not all men are engineered this way. Even my father-in-law, who is by self-admittance a selfish person, praises my mother in law frequently. So there hasn't been a lack of examples for him to pick up from. I wanted my man to be from earth. *wail*
ReplyDeleteGND: Yes indeed - a load of B.S. that probablt a man invented to get away from the responsibilities :)
Mystic: Thank you! Will put up a post in the coming week. Sorry for the delay.
Pixie: Yes I am feeling a lot better - especially with all the supportive comments. Thanks for the hugs.
NC: Hey had I known it would make you this happy, I'd have done it sooner :)
Null Pointer: Thanks for the validation! Don't feel sorry about the job situation - I am actually enjoying time at home with my daughters.
Roopie: I SO understand!! Hope he remembers!
Dipali: No I haven't. But amidst all the action, a few words would be nice na? So I will demand them at gunpoint from now on too!
Renu: Yep - I know he loves me. But a little validation wouldn't hurt. You are right though - nobody brings a good gift for a bad wife :)
Rohini: Yes that IS much worse. *HUGS* (Caps lock indicates a TIGHT hug :D)
ReplyDeleteSubha: I have been asking for years now. This was my last resort - to bring it out in the open :(
Nat: Yes - it bugs me too that the things we do in teh normal course become praise-worthy if a man decides to do them. LOL @ the advanced species deduction :)
D: it must be more frustrating if he did it and then stopped. I have been lucky (????) that J never did it to start with. *HUGS* to you too!
2B's Mom: I tried that too - not praising him for anything HE did. But I couldn't stop myself. And then it seemed sad that to make him understand I had to resort to being unappreciative. I did rub it in when I told him what I was doing (*evil laughter*) and that seems to have had some efect too :D I am going to start telling friends and family "I do it too" from now on. Maybe meeting this challenge head-on is the solution.
You don't have to completely hate me, the world still thinks he does it all!!
ReplyDelete(he says all those things only to me, remember?)
:)
instead of starting to tell family and friends that you do it all too, try saying sarcastically that of course J's the ONLY one who does it All...with a sly laugh.
;)
hi CK, if you find the time, please go back and read this post by you 'this is my friend what they call love' posted in Dec 2005
ReplyDeleteGND: Will try that but don't think it'll work on the thick-skinned family :P
ReplyDeletePreeti: I never said he doesn't love me. Only that he doesn't verbally appreciate me. Thanks for digging in the archives though :) I needed something to cheer me and this post did.
Most men are like this. They dont believe in opening up or appreciating it 'verbally'. They have a different way of showing their appreciation and love, which you know how your hubby does..
ReplyDeleteAgree that we sometimes need strong words to get a message across...
ReplyDeleteOn a sorta similar note, you should read a hilarious post by Sraikh where she REALLY gave it to a couple of people!!
How are you doing?
Rings very true...if hubby does something for the family, he gets all the wahs-wahs n praise. Whenever I do something (which is most of the time), then I am just doing something that is expected of me anyway
ReplyDelete