As far as hard-core feminists go, I probably am not a contender to be one. I agreed to my father-in-law's condition that I stay at home in order to marry his son. That is, I agreed not to work outside of home. I took my husband's last name. I stayed at home after my first daughter was born. Because I wanted to. I like to cook and "keep house". And, *gasp* I wear a bra!! Okay, the last one was my feeble attempt at humor.
But the fact is, if you look at my actions and decisions in the last decade and a half, I don't come across as a feminist. Yes, I made one choice that I regret - gave in to an unreasonable demand that I won't work outside of home. Apart from that, I don't regret any other decisions I made. Yet I believe that I AM a feminist.
You see, I believe feminism is not about working outside of home, or about keeping your name. It isn't even about not letting men open doors for you or giving up a seat for you in the bus. I think feminism is about choice. Being able to choose. As simple as that.
So I can choose to stay at home to look after my kids while my husband goes out to earn, because I believe that is the best thing for my family. Or I can choose to work and to send my kids to a daycare, if I believe that is what will benefit me and my family. Or I can stay home because I HAVE to - maybe the finances don't permit me to send the kids to the daycare or due to some medical condition my kid has due to which I am not comfortable sending her to daycare. As long as the decision is mine. As long as it is not imposed upon me. As long as I don't stay home because "that is what daughters in law of this family do". Sometimes these decisions cannot, and should not, be taken in isolation. Both partners have to make a joint decision. But as long as one partner's wish is not being imposed on the other, it should be fine.
Yet, I have seen so many males proudly proclaiming that they are very "open minded and forward thinking" because they insist their wife work outside of home. Or women admitting proudly they don't do anything around the house because, well because they are "educated" and "not like those women who stay home". I have a second cousin who refused to marry into a family because she did not want to do any house chores and they couldn't afford a full-time maid. I have seen people proudly say "Oh, we will let our daughter-in-law work outside the house if she wants to". I agree that it is pretty mature of them to do so, keeping in mind that there are countless others who stifle their daughters in law for the sake of their false pride. But is it really being "open minded"? That you "allow" your daughter in law to work? Isn't assuming that you can allow, or disallow an adult, quite contrary to being open minded and forward thinking??
And then, it gets tricky in my mind. You see, I also know and accept that the sexes are not biologically equal. Does that make me anti-feminism? That I accept my gender's limitations? I am not saying my gender should be discriminated against on this basis. So just because women are the (physically) weaker sex, doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed in mines or on battlefields or aboard spaceships. Equality of sexes, to me, means both sexes should be given an equal opportunity to try things. So, yes, a woman should be given a chance to opt for Mining as her major in engineering college. AND a man should be give an opportunity to be a stay-at-home dad if he wants to. Equality means both sexes should have same legal, financial and political rights. You get paid according to the effort you put in. You get a job if you can prove you are capable of doing it.
And no one, NO ONE, has the right to judge you on the basis of the choices you made.
A pretty confused, and confusing, post as has been the norm lately. I started out with a different train of thoughts and ended up with this. This has left me dissatisfied with the outcome but I will post it anyway.
Cee, you have written word for word about what I think about Feminism. Loved your post.
ReplyDeleteYou speak my mind. I really relate to everything I say. I stayed-at-home for nearly 1 year and a half after marriage just coz I wanted to. Everyone warned me not to be like a servant and become independent and blah blah blah.. but I did not listen and when everyone had given up advising me, I got into college again for a doctorate program. Raised eyebrows and comments. Especially since my husband is a master's degree holder. Many people even advised me that I cannot be more educated than my husband and then there will be ego clashes. I started working and now I get mails asking if I cook or clean the house or do the laundry and stuff like that. I just say I manage as I want to and keep quiet. In all this my husband stood with me. He said do all your heart desires and I'll support you and he does it so well. It drives me crazy at times when others tell me what I should be but I am what I am and that makes me a woman unique like every other and yes that is my feminism
ReplyDeleteI didn't find it confusing at all, I did however, find myself nodding along in agreement while I read!!
ReplyDeleteWell, in that case, I am a feminist too! Because that is exactly what I tell B...it is about having equal oppurtunities and being able to say what you think and be able to make choices(right or wrong is not important) for themselves and for the family too.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, it is not about, dressing up, talking english at the tip of one's tongue, or even refusing to do the daily stuff.
Well said Cee!
That was brilliantly said CK,couldn't agree more. I think it is indeed all about being able to make that choice. Loved this post!
ReplyDeleteAgree with almost every word you have said.
ReplyDeleteI have a similar post in my drafts.
I think people forget that feminism is not about women working but about their right to choose. Forcing a woman to work when she does not want to (through expectations and attitudes) is as bad as not allowing her to work...
ReplyDeleteloved the post.
ReplyDeletenot confusing at all. in fact, it quite wisely puts into words what i would have wanted to say on the topic.
I agree feminism is definitely about having a choice but to me its much more than that. As you say, there are times when you don't have a choice because of circumstances. There are women who have to work whether or not they want to because they cannot afford to stay at home.
ReplyDeleteTo me feminism is also about having the same standards and yardsticks for everyone. Feminism is realizing what is difficult and over whelming for you can be hard for me as well such as adjusting with in-laws, not answering back when some one is being nasty, cooking at the end of a long day etc. There are a lot of things that women are judged more harshly for than men. We still have a long way to go.
Its also about having a say. Some women can choose to do whatever they want to do. They work off and on doing things that don't take up much time. But they don't get a say on big decisions.
Oh and I know plenty of well educated, women who quit their jobs to join their husbands,who make their won decisions but get allowance instead of joint account!!!!!!!
Good post..But some women who say that they will marry only where they can work outside of home are expressing their choice. These things make you more as an individual which is important and women in our country sadly dont get to make too many choices.
ReplyDeleteSo choices that I dont want to work in the house, I will not take my husband's last name in my name are attempts to get your individuality
Nice post, and I agree completely with you:)
ReplyDeleteYou know what you are? (Apart from being a star? And a COPMOM?)
ReplyDeleteYou're a behenji, just like me. ;)
You're also tagged. Do it from a feminist viewpoint.
I thought you were very clear. This is the kind of feminism I believe in:)
ReplyDeleteYou're Cee, na, silly woman?
ReplyDelete...until then, there's WalGreens
ReplyDelete:)
not at all confused or confusing cee kay!
ReplyDeleteCee,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog pretty regularly for sometime now. I read bcoz I relate to what you have gone through and are going through and you put it more coherently that I do. I totally agree with what you wrote about feminism but what bothers me about this view is that it is again somehow conditioned by society or atleast what our family saw as a more balanced/fair view. This might not be good enough for our future generation. We ourselves tend not to measure men and women by the same yardstick. So I also think that Vidya has put up a very good point. Having a choice and not letting one's thinking be influenced by what is so called modern thinking is an important step. Ok I think I am rambling here so will stop.
Do keep writing. :-)
Kiran
Hmmm... very thought provoking as always... and you did have me nodding along to most of things!!
ReplyDeletePS - Can I blogroll you as well?
ReplyDeleteI shall be in a similar situation soon(I guess so).. and yes that does not make me any "less" feminist..
ReplyDelete