Here now. Gone forever...

On September 22, in Mumbai, a member of our off-shore support team died of a brain hemorrhage. He was just 23. Most of the people in our company had never met him. No. I think no one had. The Claims team of our company worked with him regularly. They spoke to him every day while working on the reports. They often teased him about silly things like whether he was going to get drunk over the weekend or not. They developed a special bond with him – after all he was their colleague who just happened to be very far away. He hadn’t been feeling well lately and had been away from work for a week or so. One of the Claims Team members, V, said to him “S, you are not forgetting us, are you?” to which he said “No”. Then she said something to him that I am sure she will always remember. She said – “S, you know you are indelible in my heart, don’t you?” And he said “Same here, V. Same here” That was last week (or maybe early this week). And today he is no more…

I am amazed at how people can form so strong bonds of friendship over long distances without even seeing each other. How they begin to mean a little more to us each day. How their absence is sorely missed. Even when they were not with you from the beginning. They were just a voice over the phone and now just a memory in your heart.

Such tragedies remind me how fragile life is. And how unexpected its twists and turns can be. I have been trying to imagine the state his parents must be in. They must be devastated. This was the time for them to plan their son’s wedding, not his funeral. A few of us in the company were talking about him and someone mentioned his age. Each one of us took that in a different context. Our HR director said all she could think was “Oh my God! He was just my daughter’s age!”. One person said she remembered that at age 23 she was living a carefree, happy life. I remembered that at 23 I was madly in love with my husband, then my boyfriend, and planning my future business that I was going to start once I got married. The biggest concern I had at that age was if my husband’s parents would agree to our marriage or decline flatly.

In other news, my brother was here for 2 weeks on a business trip and squeezed out time for us too. I had a great time with him after years – though I am still craving more. And my daughter just didn’t get enough of her “Sonu Mama”. It was crazy with my in-laws and him together in our house because there was so much juggling to do. But we all had a great time. Even went to Mount Washington in New Hampshire again (went there last year too, with my parents). Took the Cog Railway to the peak. Saw two signs in and around their Base station cafeteria. One said “Dinner choices: 1. Take it. 2. Leave it.” I loved it!! It sounds much like my kitchen :D

The other one was this –





Another similar sign I saw in a pet store said “Unattended children will be given a free puppy”! Many parents really do leave their children unattended in places they shouldn’t even take their eyes off of them. I am amazed at this stupidity is all I can say. And I have great respect for businesses that ask parents to look after their own kids (in other words, do their job!) in such funny ways. It takes a lot of restraint not to blurt something out to these parents. I should know – I worked at a Halloween Costume store for 2.5 years.

Am going in for transfer today. Zero Expectations. And the part that I am looking forward to the most is the two-day bed rest that I will be on afterwards!! After retrieval two days ago, my blood pressure was through the roof (184/117!!) It is lower now but not normal yet. I believe it happened due to a combination of stress from running around, the toll that an IVF cycle takes on one and the fact that I was badly bloated due to the medicines. (OK _ here is a half-baked theory. I was bloated, which means my body was retaining fluid. Which means my blood was denser than usual, which ultimately meant higher concentration of sodium. Hence – High Blood Pressure). Let me go and check that out right now. If I am correct, I will come back to say “I told you so”. If you don’t hear from me, assume I was wrong :P

Update: Well, I was partially right! Fluid retention does raise blood pressure. But that does not make the blood dense - it increases its volume. Of course! (smacks her head - twice). The increased vloume raises the blood pressure. Q.E.D.

Point. Click. You're done!

Or Point. Shut eyes TIGHT. Jab. Press. (And don't forget to breathe) That is how I take my shots. I thought that was a perfectly normal way of doing it - until someone pointed out otherwise. Seems like you are supposed to point, push (the needle in) and press (the plunger) - all very calmly and smoothly. Ha! Calm & Smooth? Me?? When I am giving myself a shot??? Dream on, honey!

Today, in a meeting, a co-worker said "Infertility is a disease, while pregnancy is not". I took serious objection to that - the first part of the sentence, not the second. Though there are people who treat pregnant women as if they had a terminal disease and needed a lot of rest & recuperation. Well I wouldn't object to a lot of rest and recuperation if I were preganant, but please don't treat me like I am made of glass, thankyou. I believe infertility is a condition which may, or may not, result from a disease (there is "idiopathic" infertility where everything seems fine but a couple still can't get pregnant). There are certain diseases which may cause infertility, but being infertile is NOT akin to being diseased. Really, people! Think before you speak.

Update: I wanted to update this the next day, but a lot has been going on. In my haste to upload this post, I failed to mention one thing. The comment was made in a meeting where differences between managed care (read insurance) for Infertility vs. Obstetrics were being discussed and someone asked "Well why is there such a lot of follow-up by nurses for infertility while there isn't any for Obstetrics". This, in fact, is true. This comment wasn't made personally to me or for me.

The person who made this comment is a good friend and since then I have told her my views on this. Also, I was on a "Menopur-Bravelle-Lupron" induced PMS. Had already warned DH NOT to contradict me in any thing I said or did. "Cee Kay is ALWAYS right" was the mantra he was supposed to chant whenever he got any urge to contradict me :D Forgot to propogate this to my friends and co-workers :P

TICKED!

Warning – Rant(orama) ahead!

I want to vent, rant and rave. I am not going to use foul language or cause bodily harm to anyone this rant is against. So rest assured.

So you made it this far? Boy, you really must love my rants!

Oh, a lot of things tick me off. I am/have been/will certainly be ticked off by…

… bosses who, instead of patting me on the back for emergencies well handled, drag me through a Q&A and expect me to use my third eye and sixth sense to handle problems well before a) they arise, or b) are reported.

... colleagues who won't prepare their own purchase requests for items they need and then pester me with "Is it done yet?". No amount of "Do it yourself" hints and direct suggestions will make them understand (or is it that they don't want to understand?? Pretend to be a fool and get your work done - hmmmmm. Good strategy).

... people who try to "help" even when I didn't ask for help, and especially when I have refused offers of help. Buddy, back off!! I'll ask for it when I need it - OK? OK??

... drivers who change lanes or turn without turning on their turn indiactors.

... drivers who give a turn indication as (or after) they take a turn or change lanes. Hello? Just because you turned on the indicator doesn't mean there is space between my car and the one ahead of me!

... people who ask me "but why do you want another child?". Some people are exempt - they can ask such questions, and I will try to explain. But others (read mom whose daughter used to be in the same class as mine in grade one) SHUT UP!! Why did YOU have 2 kids if having more than one kids is so terrible?

... people who comment "Wow! You are lucky!" when I inform them that I will be out of office the next day. DO NOT ASSUME that this day off is for fun. I might be going in to the doctor's office to get medication that will help me miscarry the blighted ovum that my "happy till yesterday" pregnancy has turned out to be.

... people who repeatedly say "Time for another one!". SHUT UP!!

... people who, when I tell them what an angel my daughter was at age two, say "Oh girls are easier to raise". You should have tried raising me at ANY age after birth. I have HIGH regards for my parents' patience. DO NOT try to explain differences in personalities by basing them just on gender.

... friends who start any phone conversation (even if it was I who placed the call) with "Where have you been? Bade busy ho gaye ho? (You've gotten very busy?)". Yes, and I just remembered something I have to do. Click.

... friends who insist we should not have our housewarming party for at least another year because we are such a busy couple. MY house. MY party. I DECIDE! OK?

... friends who insist that I should either let them cook or order food from outside when I invite them to my daughter's birthday party (again because I am "so busy"). WTF??

... people making racial comments implying one race is superior to another or one race has more problems than another just because it is that race.

... poeple comparing siblings to decide who is sweeter, more intelligent, fairer, darker, faster, wittier.... They are TWO DIFFERENT PERSONS. They cannot, and should not, be alike. Comprende?

... friends/relatives commenting how strict we are with our daughter (for the record - we are not. There are just a few non-negotiable points. Apart from those, she can do anything she wants to after she gets permission from one of us)

... friends/relatives warning me to just "wait and see - your daughter will not listen to you (or get out of control, or become mischievious, or whatever) when she grows up". You know what? You have been saying that since she was 18 months old. I am still waiting. I am not saying that there won't be any problems, but don't predict doom just because she listens to her parents more than some other kids do.

... people asking me "How much more do you want to study? I wouldn't want to study this much!". Know what? None of your f---ing business!

... relatives and friends back in India who, when we call them, just want to know how much weight I have gained/lost/am trying to lose etc. Sweetums - I stopped obsessing about my weight looong time ago. Its time you grew up too. I am trying to be healthy and that is all that matters. Right?

Phew!! That felt good. Might do more of it later....

Small Strip, BIG Chuckle

This made me chuckle :-D And anyone who is getting a bigger chuckle out of it, remember one sobering fact – it goes for BOTH sets of in-laws :-D

Hagar the Horrible

This, that and a whole lot...

As one of you already knows and the rest of you must have guessed - the IVF cycle didn't work. I was disappointed but after struggling with infertility for more than 4 years, I am at a point where I go in with zero expectations. I have my defence mechanism firmly in place. I believe in "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". No - I am not a pessimist. I am going in for another IVF cycle next month and I still believe it can work. I just need a safe distance from the raw emotions that the rigors of an IVF cycle can generate.

Well, we got that out of our way. Now on to the other things that have been going on.

The in-laws are here. So, as can be expected, life is HECTIC. Especially, since I want them (read MIL) to relax and have a vacation, I try not to leave a lot of work for her to do (apart from what she absolutely needs to do to keep her from going insane from the inactivity :P). Boy! Is that taking a toll on me or what!! I am perpetually tired and feel a "chronic bad mood" coming on. Well, this too shall pass.

My daughter's school reopened today. And this year... (*Drumroll please*) we remembered to take a camera, made sure the battery was charged and... (*more drumroll please*) REMEBERED TO TAKE SOME PICTURES TOO!!

A lot of things to say - so little time. Gotta go now - was working the 11 am to 7:30 pm shift today. t is 7:22 pm. I do NOT want to stay in this place a minute longer than it is absolutely required of me. So off I go! (YES. It takes me about 15 minutes to shut down my laptop, stuff it in my backpack, gather all my stuff, lock up my office, go down to the parking lot, get in my car, start it and drive away). Oops, I lost another minute there...

BYE!!

My first official, legal, actual tag (Yipee!!)

Rohini tagged me. My first "legally acquired" tag!! By that I mean the first tag that has been assigned to me without me asking (read begging) for it :D Mahima graciously tagged me when I asked her to, but I haven't completed it yet.

I have been hibernating - sort of. Was going through a LOT at work and at the personal front, and when things get like that, I just withdraw. When Rohini tagged me, my first thought was "Dang!! I gotta do this?" But once I started, it was fun.

OK, without further ado, here we go...

I am thinking about…
The embryo transfer. It is scheduled for Saturday, July 22nd. I hope it gets pushed back to Monday, July 25th because that would mean they are going to “Blastocyst Phase”, which means better quality embryos. That would also mean I can take two days off from work :P

I said…
NO WAY I am going through IVF!! And here I am – already been through the dreadful injections, egg retrieval and now waiting for the transfer. Goes to show how seriously one should take my words :P

I want to…
Sing… Dance… Exercise… Make new friends… Just because. Lately I have been having the feeling that I should do something because life is so damn short. I wanted a gift certificate to dance classes for my birthday (July 26th) this year. But know what? No can do :( Because I will have just gone through the embryo transfer and after that I am not supposed to exert myself.

I wish…
For nothing. Really. Except a baby. I have a wonderful, darling husband, and beautiful daughter, loving parents, a brother who is also my “first best friend” (my husband is my “second best friend” - just because of the order in which these two came into my life. The numbering does NOT have anything to do with the “quality” of these friendships), a house that I can make beautiful, a job that I can make a difference at, a few very good friends who are always there to lend their ears for my sob stories, a sense of humor (that dwindles at times, but still hasn’t gone out) and good health (note to self – start taking care of it NOW!).

I hear…
Ringing in one ear. Really! Have had it for over 6 months now. In light of other things that I am going through, it seems very insignificant – so much so that I haven’t even mentioned it to my parents or my brother (So bro, now you know!) Apart from that, I sometimes hear the sadness in my daughter’s voice when she recounts how someone at school or camp bullied her, I sometimes hear the twinkle in her heart when she is telling me about something funny she did that day, and I always “hear” the love my husband has for me in everything he does for me.

I wonder…
How I got so lucky to get such a gem of a life partner. And right now I am wondering what the traffic on my way back to home is going to be like. I wonder how things used to be in olden times. No, really! Everytime I visit a new place, I try to visualize in my mind what it must have looked like, say, a hundred years back. 300 years? How did people dress? How did they entertain themselves? I sometimes wish I had a time machine that I could use to go back in time to see how things were. I loved reading “Gone With The Wind” mainly for the description of the customs that people followed in those times. (how girls were supposed to behave, what the social structure was like, etc.)

I regret…
My behaviour during the time when, due to depression, I was a total bitch. I didn’t even know that I was depressed. I used to teach at an institute in my hometown. I cringe when I think back to that time – I was strict with my students (which is OK, in my opinion) and I used to yell at a few of them (NOT OK). I sincerely want to find each and every one of them and tell them how sorry I am for having behaved that way. I regret having lost 5 beautiful years to depression after having my daughter. I regret that we delayed going for infertility treatments for so long (5 years!!) I regret losing almost 10 years where I could have built a good career – not out of my own choice, though. I regret a lot of things a lot of times, but I am good at getting over those guilt trips. (Indicates a high self esteem :D)

I am…
More patient now. I am loyal. I am (or try my best to be) honest in all my relationships. I am very independent – do not take very well to someone “fawning” over me – except when it is my husband doing the fawning :D I am also looking forward to 7:30 pm when I can leave work to go back home. And I am tired of one particular friend asking me over and over again if I am pregnant.

I dance…
As best as I can but I don’t know how to. I desperately want to learn to dance. I dance in front of the mirror sometimes and then smack my forehead at how clumsy I look. I dance when I am happy. I like to listen to music and dance to it when I am cooking.

I sing…
Along with the CD Player in my car. I used to sing pretty well but over the years have gotten out of practice. My daughter loves to hear me sing when she goes to bed, so sometimes I sing her a lullaby. At those times I marvel at how, for every kid, his/her parents are THE BEST. I am flattered when my daughter asks me to sing her to sleep. I do not sing as often as I used to, though.

I cry…
Only in front of people that I care about. I CANNOT cry in front of people whom I don’t like or am not comfortable with (is that correct usage of "whom"???). Sometimes, especially in the middle of my IUI/IVF cycle (due to the medicines I am on), I cry at the drop of a hat.

I am not always…
In a “sunny” mood. But even in my darkest of moments, I can find something positive to cling to.

I make with my hands…
My daughter’s future & character (I hope!). A loving home for myself, my husband and my daughter. Food – I love to cook. I love throwing parties. I used to sketch pretty well too – somewhere along the journey of my life, I lost that talent. Or maybe I didn’t lose it – it is just lying buried under some “baggage” that I accumulated along the way. I used to stitch. Not “seriously” but just for fun. And I made a few nice dresses for myself that I got many compliments for.

I write…
On this blog. I used to (there’s that phrase again – “used to”. I don’t like it. Note to self – change this. Somehow!) write poetry. I sometimes write “love notes” to my daughter and tuck them in places she would find later. I write emails to me parents and brother – very irregularly. I love writing – sometimes I just write to “practice”. I have won a few calligraphy competitions in my school days. My handwriting is something I improved by myself. I used to have a spidery scrawl. Then in the summer vacation after grade 6, I decided I wanted to make it better so I started practicing. I had a nice enough handwriting by the end of summer.

I confuse…
Sugar-coated hypocrisy and treachery for friendship sometimes. I am too simple and honest, and I think every one else is too. I have found out, on a number of occasions, how mistaken I am on this count. But the optimist in me still wants to give every one a benefit of doubt. No matter how many times I get “burnt” in friendships, I am always going to trust people until they prove themselves untrustworthy. That’s me.

I need…
Some time away from it all – the Infertility Treatments, the job, the crazy routine. I need to bring some romance back in my married life. I and my husband still love each other from the depths (and widths, and heights, and lengths) of our hearts but sometimes I feel we need some more “oomph” in our relationship. I want to set his heart on fire again. I want to get butterflies in my stomach again. I want to be like a schoolgirl in love for the first time – again.

And finally…
I am off! The day is over. I am going back home. Ciao!!

I suddenly realized I can't think of even 5 bloggers to tag! :-O I, maybe, visit about 5-7 blogs regularly. I need to expand my social circle in the blogworld. Anyway, here are the "tagees" -

Anurag - we need something more than photographs now. We need an insight into his "self".
Mint - She would have some very interesting things to say, I am sure. She always does.
Anumita - She doesn't do tags (I think) but what the heck! Let's give it a try...
Mahima - She has a good style. And she is just back from her trip to Australia, so I am sure she would have a lot to write about.
Ardra - She came back form a vacation and should be ready to go for such an assignment now. Besides, I want to get to know her better.

Her body stiffens. An emotion swells up inside her... She tries to push it back in, swallow it, kick it back. For a moment she succeeds. But then the emotion shakes her whole body... she stifles it back. It tries to bubble out of her, reverberates in every nook and cranny of her body... She fights it, chokes it back her throat... It subsides... just for a moment but then it comes roaring back and spills out of her... She can't control herself any longer. She bursts out laughing - her mother is tickling her hard!

Here we go again...

Deep, dark crevices of depression... Huge waves of sadness and weepiness... Dark thoughts... All caused by 2 small pills. Who knew they could be so strong? All alone in the middle of this - who do I turn to, who do I talk to? No one, it seems. So its me, just me...

Ever Wonder...

...why the dumbest users have the BIGGEST egos??

...why the traffic jams up just as you hang up the phone after telling your spouse you should be home in time since the roads are clear?

...why even one out of 20 million sperms can't find the egg?

Actually, I know the answer to the last one - it is because none of the lousy buggers would stop to ask for directions!

Yeah - that's me. Trying to find humor in a situation that is making me miserable. this cycle didn't work either. And yesterday I received the “Third trimester” issue from BabyCenter magazine that I had signed up for when I conceived in November last year, not knowing it was for nothing. I unsubscribed from the electronic newsletter but I guess I forgot to unsubscribe from the magazine. Anyhoo – life goes on. It must.

The In-Laws are arriving June 30th. I am both, looking forward and dreading, the visit. Latter, because I am an intensely private person and wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing the every-day details of infertility treatment with them. I know, the first thought that comes to mind is – “Private person? What the heck is she talking about? She writes about these very details in her blog, for goodness’ sake!” Its true – but you see the blog offers me anonymity AND the choice of whether I want to reveal these details or not. Or when. I usually write when I feel I can handle the emotions – not right then and there. But when you live with someone, and they see your long face and want to know what happened, you don’t get to choose the timing. You either tell, or you don’t. Or you just hide what’s bothering you and go on with your routine. The first option makes me uncomfortable, the second one hurts some one else’s feelings and the third one creates stress for me. Well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. ** Chucks the thought out of her mind until the said bridge looms ahead**

Have a happy weekend, everyone! I will try, too.

Oh, the things we do for our kids...

... even the ones that aren't born yet. I did something that I never thought I'd be able to do. This IUI cycle, I took Clomid (its a drug used to stimulate follicular development) and on the 12th day of my cycle I was supposed to give myself a shot of "Ovidrel" (to time the ovulation). "Not in this life-time" I told my doctor. I am a BIG chicken when it comes to shots. I think I would make a lousy junkie because I am so afraid of needles. It has been a big accomplishment for me just to go to the clinic regularly to get blood-work done 3-5 times a month. So it was UNTHINKABLE that I would give myself a shot. But I did. My husband said he could do it but since I am such a scaredy cat, it made him nervous. Then I called a friend of mine to see if she knows how to give a shot to somebody - she didn't but said she'd do it for me. So I figured if she could do it, I could do it too :P The weird thing is I didn't feel a thing because the needle was so fine but I don't think it will be any easier for me the next time. Keeping my fingers crossed...

On a separate note, which is not related to the title at all - I had an unpleasant experience at the cafeteria in my office building yesterday. It reminded me why I don't buy lunch from there very often. I usually bring my own lunch but yesterday I hadn't, so I went down to the cafe to get myself a sandwich and some fries. The person manning the grill took my order (Cheese and Tomato sandwich, please?), went in and brought out two RAW beef patties, wiped his gloved hands on a terry-towel and started making my sandwich. I asked him incredulously "Aren't you supposed to change your gloves after handling raw meat?". He says "Oh, don't worry. I wiped my hands". Excuse me?!! WTF?? Then he changed his gloves and made me another sandwich. Then he went on to wipe a knife on the terry towel that he had previously wiped his hands on and cut my sandwich with it!! Eeeek!!! I threw the sandwich away and just ate the fries. I also complained to the supervisor of the kitchen staff - but I don't think anything will come out of it. So, next time I need to buy lunch, I am going to "Pizza and Brew" half a mile down the road.

Another such experience recenlty left me shaking my head in amazement at how people who need to practice hygiene for sake of other people's health, don't. A nurse at the infertility clinic that I go to needs a reminder everytime to "please use another guaze - this one has been lying on a contaminated surface" when she draws my blood. The "contaminated surface" is a counter-top around a sink which has obvious water-stains and dirt and God knows what else. Everytime I ask this nurse to change guaze, she looks at my like I am inconveniencing her to the extremes. I wonder why I haven't spoke to her supervisor about it yet - I will do so the next time. I have been working on my "confrontational skills" lately. Another post on that some other time.

I am so disgusted at the lack of hygiene in people I see around me. One of the female executives in my company just sticks her hand under the faucet for a second after taking care of "major business" in the bathroom. Another one just walks out without so much as wiping her hands. I always remember not to shake hands with these two. My 7 year old daughter knows better than them - she washes her hands everytime she uses the bathroom without any reminders. Properly. I am more concerned about hygiene practices (or lack thereof) of people in food or health industry. These are people whose actions affect lives of other people. And I see so many of my daughter's friends who apparantly haven't been taught the importance of washing hands properly. I don't agree that "they are just kids and will learn in time". My daughter is an example that kids can learn better habits if you just remind them every single time for 7 friggin' years. In my opinion, parents just don't make the effort - and then these kids grow up to be adults with unhygienic habits and then it is not "cute" anymore. In fact, it is not cute at any age.

I have a lot to blog about, but so little time. I hope that someday I will get around to blogging about our new home, about so many emotions swirling inside me about so many things happening around me. All I know is - NOT TODAY. Gotta go!!

HUH??

Yesterday, I woke up with a stiff neck. Plus, I was mad at my husband. So I was grumpy. My daughter noticed this and asked me why I was acting that way. I told her "I have a stiff neck and am feeling very uncomfortable". She looked at me very sympathetically and then said "Its good you can still cook!". To that I replied "What would you do if I were to die tomorrow?". After a moment of silence, and thinking over it, she turned to my husband and asked him - "Dad, you can cook, right?".

That girl has got her priorities right!!!

WHAT did I just say????

I called my brother last week. Got no answer on his cell phone so called his office next. "Ravi" picked up and this is how the conversation went-

Me: Hello, this is CeeKay, A's sister, from the US. May I speak with A please?
Ravi: I am sorry, he is out for a run.
Me: No problem. Could you please pass on a message to him, from me?
Ravi: Sure.
Me: Tell him I called and that we will call him again over the weekend.
(Pay special attention to the last sentence please)

Some more conversation, including "Oh, sure" and "Thankyou" followed and then I hung up. Then I realized Ravi must be thinking that I have a multiple-personality disorder :D

He he he....

I didn't know I still remembered ALL that!!

I got directed to The Blank Noise Project from Anurag's blog. It touched a nerve. A nerve that I thought was long dead - but I was wrong. It is still raw and throbbing with pain of memories from the years that have gone by. Once it got me thinking, many memories came flooding back and I was amazed at how I had buried those memories away. I guess since I am not living in India anymore, I don't have to live in the fear that my precious daughter will have to go through the very same issues, humiliations and restrictions that I went through when I was a girl. It is a relief in a way to know that she will be spared all that crap from relatives and strangers alike. Maybe, participating in the Blank Noise Project (No, I am not a "registered" participant there - I was too late for the March 7th deadline) with soothe that agitation of feeling violated a little.

Living in India, I went through my share of the street harassment like every other girl. Now it makes me sad to think that we took that as a part of life - like it happens. Of course, I would get mad every time it happened but we had been conditioned to expect it and so never questioned why it had to be like this. As I grew older I began to question the reasoning - girls who dress a certain way invite trouble, girls should not go out alone, girls cannot participate in this or that, applying makeup means you are too "forward" - yeah all that bullshit. Some of it came from well meaning friends and family members. But boy, was it a boat load of crap! No girl should ever be made to believe those things. I didn't take everything lying down though. I fought hard for my "freedom" - freedom of thought, freedom to dress any way I wanted (unfortunately, I had to give that freedom up because there were other important issues that I thought needed my efforts), freedom to go anywhere without having to give my whole "itinerary" to my parents/guardians, freedom to choose my friends - boys or girls, freedom to study hard and make a career for myself (fortunately, I didn't have to struggle much for that because my parents were of the opinion that a girl MUST have a good career to fall back on).

Ironically, it wasn't my parents imposing restrictions on me (well, to be fair, they did impose restrictions but those restrictions melted away with time and as they realized that I needed independence). It was the "society". I remember, when I chose to go to a co-ed college that offered Electronics as a major for my Bachelor's degree, a well-meaning neighbor (son of one of my mom's friends) came to our house to talk to my parents about the "hazards of sending their daughter to a co-ed school". "Ladkiyan haath se nikal jaati hain" he said (Girls get out of control). My mom replied - "That can happen even if you have them under seven locks. We trust our daughter and we don't see any harm in sending her there for her studies". (Did I ever tell you? MY PARENTS ROCK!!) When I decided to marry my husband (then my boyfriend) my parents didn't throw a fit - some other "well-wishers" did. One of my uncles tried to convince my dad to stop me from marrying J because he was not from the same caste.

I know, I know - this is far from street harassment. But I believe it is this kind of mentality that gives the "street romeos" the courage to harass our daughters and sisters. They know most of the people in society will go and blame these girls for what they went through. Probably these slimy elements blame these girls for "provoking" them, too. It is a typical MCP (Male Chauvinist PIG) mentality, I tell you.

Right now there are so many memories that have come rushing back - memories that I buried in the back of my brain long ago because they were uncomfortable or painful.

I am in 12th grade, riding my bike back to home. I come to the University gates and since I am alone and there are hormone-crazy boys roaming in the campus, I decide to take a detour. It is just a rather lonely road that bypasses the university campus. It also means 2 extra kilometers, but I'd rather go those extra kilometers than run into some boys who try to knock me down from my bike. God knows what could happen after that... While I am pedallign furiously on that lonely road, a boy suddenly comes up from behind (I didn't notice him or I would have been alert), grabs my breast and then cycles off. I am left shuddering, repulsed by his touch, crying, blaming myself for taking that route. For MONTHS I tried to wash off his filthy touch from my skin. NO ONE knew about this - until now. I just hid the pain and the shame and went on with a cheerful face because i didn't want to worry my dad and also didn't want to lose the independance I had.

I am 14. I am travelling, with my parents, to some other city by train. It is night time and the whole bogey is silent - people are deep in sleep. So am I. I suddenly wake up because I feel someone picking up my skirt. He lets go, I think it was a dream and drift back into sleep. Suddenly I wake up again to feel him running his hands through my hair. He is standing right in front of me. I wake up with a jerk, slap him in the face and shout out some profanity. He tries to slap me back and then runs away. (A lot of people did wake up and came to ask me what happened). I can't sleep after that because I am sure he is going to come back with his friends and drag me out of there.

A friend of my dad's - his best friend from college, I think - always used to grab my breasts and squeeze them whenever he came over. And he would do that unobtrusively right there in front of my parents! I was barely 10 years old I think and was terrified of telling my parents because somehow I thought it was my fault. I just told me mom a few years ago, I think (or maybe last year, when my parents were visiting us). My husband knows and understands that is why I am extra paranoid when it comes to leaving our daughter alone with our friends.

There are so many other memories that make me sick to the stomach. There are a couple more that I have buried deeper than the others. Like when we lived in Jaipur for a few years when my mom was transferred there, we rented a portion of a house. Our landlord and his wife were the nicest people we ever met (or so we thought). One day, "aunty" (that is what I called the landlady) called me over and asked me to stay at her place while she took a shower, so when the milkman came, I'd be there to take milk from him and put it in the kitchen. "Uncle" (the landlord) was also home. Kids were not home. As soon as aunty went in the bathroom, uncle came up from behind me (I was in one of their kids' rooms, reading a book I think) and tried to grab me and kiss me on the lips. I ran from there (luckily I was able to get away from him) and didn't stop until I was out of their house. Aunty later admonished me for not waiting for the milkman. To this day I wonder if she was in on uncle's scheme and if the "milkman" was just an excuse to get me in there. Again, I never mentioned it to anyone - because somehow I thought it was my fault.

I can't remember the number of times I got wolf-whistles, derogatory comments and winks while walking on a street. Someone even tried to grab my dupatta while I was out walking during the 6th or 7th month of my pregnancy (yes I looked pregnant).

I believe we should teach our daughters self-defence techniques (tae-kwondo, judo maybe) and try to build up their self-esteems. Keep the communication channels open and let them know it is NOT their fault when someone harasses them anywhere. My mom paid attention to me when I did tell her about an incident that happened with another acquaintence and that gave me some confidence. My parents never said "Well, you deserved it" and they never tolerated anyone else telling me so. And if we make street-harassment (or "Eve-teasing, as the authorities like to call it) a criminally punishable offense with some serious jail term, I think we can make a dent. But where do we start? Do we make these laws and then eliminate the corruption, so that no one can get away by the virtue of their "contacts"? Or should it be vice-versa? Until it all falls nicely into place, I think I would be more comfortable knowing that my daughter can kick someone in the balls if they try to harass her and run the hell away from them. And if I ever have a son, I am going to bring him up to respect women as fellow human beings. I am thankful to two women I know who did this job nicely - my mom and my mom-in-law. Both, my brother and my husband, are men who respect women and don't treat them as inferior, second grade citizens. I know my dad and dad-in-law played their part in this upbringing too - so hats off to all four of you!! We need more men and women like them - ASAP!!

More Fall colors 2005

Blogger won't let me publish more than a few images at a time. I suspect it is going to take me longer than I expected to upload all the photos I want to share. Anyway, here goes...








We stopped here for lunch. What a beautiful place!! We couldn't get enough of it. Again, the picture doesn't do justice to the actual beauty of the place.













We took a LOT more pictures of this place. I wish I could put all of them up here. It is the most beautiful place so far where I have had lunch.











Well-prepared for Christmas...

This is one of those "Reflections in the still waters of a lake" pictures. Though this would be a lovely scene in bright sunlight, I feel even the clouds and the fog impart it a unique beauty.

Same lake, another angle...

Yep! Same lake again! Different corner... You can see that we love taking this kind of pictures :)

Overall, the trip was a success. We had a great time together, saw some very beautiful places, relaxed, laughed, ate A LOT and did I say we had a great time together? I am already looking forward to this year's trip.

Fall Colors 2005

Last year, when my parents were visiting us, we went to New Hampshire to see the fall colors. We do that every year - around the 2nd week of october, we take off on a road trip to New Hampshire, Vermont or any such place that has an abundance of fall colors. We get some pretty colors in Norwalk, CT too but these trips have almost become a tradition for us. On every trip, I take lots of pictures. I always try to get at least one shot each of a) A sunset, and b) Reflection of trees in the still waters of a lake - any lake. This time, it was cloudy and foggy when we started out on our trip, so no sunsets. but we did manage to get some beautiful pictures. I've been thinking of posting them here but there was so much going on I never got around to doing it. Here they are now.



We started out early. It was not sunny but it was beautiful. I particularly prefer this kind of weather to a bright, hot sun. I attribute it to the fact that I grew up in a desert town and have had enough sun to last me a life time.

Picture take from inside our CRV - going north on CT-15. It is a parkway - one of the most beautiful areas I have seen around here.





The clouds started rolling in fast - but we weren't complaining. It was good to be together. Even in the dull light, the colors looked beautiful.

I took hundreds of picture like this one. They never come out as beautiful as the scenary is but I take them anyway. Dunno why. In my opinion no camera, however sophisticated, can imitate the human eye in the way it (the eye) captures the scene, the colors and the images. If you personally witness a beautiful scene and capture it on the lens, you'll find that there is always something lacking. The beauty doesn't quite translate that well on paper (or on the screen in case of a digital camera).









There was something about this tree - half naked with some colors and some green still left in it that caught our eye.

Mis(sed) Conception

Yeah, that is about right. We went in for IUI last december, we conceived, we celebrated, we found out it was a blighted ovum, I had to miscarry. That's the story.

It was a dark time for me. And lonely. I had my husband, family and friends rallying around me but I still felt lonely. I recovered slowly - thanks to my husband who has been very supportive and understanding all along and to my friends and family who provided ample sympathy. I needed loads of it in the beginning to bathe in the "why me?" misery. Time passed, I got better and now I can talk about the whole event without shedding a single tear or letting out a sigh. Yeah - I am getting stronger each day. I am so strong now that I have stopped feeling. And I have stopped counting the weeks. I would have been almost 14 weeks pregnant by now - but who's counting anyway? Now I just wonder will I feel bad on September 3rd? That would have been the estimated due date for me if everything had gone well. Will I even remember to feel bad on Sept 3? Well, only time will tell.

I have so many things to write about but i had to get this post out of my way. Had to get it out of my system one last time (that is what I tell myself when I catch myself thinking about what happened).

We have shared this news of our misfortune with our family and friends. The only person who still doesn't know is our daughter. Sometimes I wonder - will she feel bad that we didn't tell her when she finds out? We wanted to spare her the pain so we hid this from her. I hope we made the right decision.

But we are moving on, the troopers that we are! There is some good news to be shared too. We are buying our first home. We are excited. Busy planning the closing, the move, the decorations and the repairs. And in the midst of all that it strikes me again - how would it feel to do all this while being pregnant? Would I have been tired all the time? Or full of energy knowing I had ony a little bit of time to get settled in? Which room would the baby have gotten? Dang!! I can't get it out of my mind. Not yet. Well! At least I haven't broken out into tears this time....

This, my friend, is what they call LOVE

I am falling in love!

I am falling in love with my husband!!

I am falling in love with my husband all over again!!!

Long time ago, I realized that "my best friend" loves me dearly - and that it is not platonic any more. Very recently, I realized I still love him as much - or maybe more - even after 10 years of being married.

I know staying married for 10 (or more) years is nothing outstanding. Many others have done it. For much longer. What fascinates me is how close we have become over the years. We were such great friends from the beginning, I always thought we couldn't be any closer. Well, I was wrong.

Now, you must be wondering why I am ranting over something as simple as our love for each other. Something happened. Something that made me realize what a lucky woman I am to have him as my life partner. He loves me like I want to be loved, he takes care of me like I need to be taken care of and he respects my career aspirations as they deserve to be respected (after years of waiting). Soon after our 10th wedding anniversary, I brought up the question that had been nagging at me - even though his company is in deep trouble, he isn't looking for a new job. Why? Know what he said? He said he wants to give me the opportunity to pursue my career dreams and since both of us cannot do it and take proper care of our daughter, he would stick where he is (even though he isn't very satisfied there) while I can take my shot at success. He said he'd give me a year to get a few certifications and to get a better job. I am overwhelmed! Because he is willing to put his career on hold for mine. THAT, methinks, is the best kind of love, understanding and respect there is!

Now, we just wait...

Today was the day. I went in for my first cycle of Artificial Insemination (in other words – IUI). Now we just wait and watch (and die from anxiety in the mean while). We’ll know on December 30th.

I would say one thing about the whole process though – the other way of making babies is much, MUCH nicer, easier, pleasant and fun! Take it from someone who has tried it both ways!

Nothing more to say today - just waiting with a bated breaths. Wish us luck people!

Back on the radar!

A LOT has been going on while I dropped off the face of earth for the last couple of months. My parents were here for about 3 months – and while I enjoyed their company tremendously, my stress levels rocketed eventually with all the running around I was doing. I was working a new, full-time, job and we were in the process of moving our offices from one city to another. It was also the time around Diwali, Halloween and my daughter’s birthday (which means parties, parties and.. well – Parties!). On top of all that, we were going out shopping/sight-seeing almost every weekend. I had high BP, constant headaches and could even feel my heart pounding a few times – and that was NOT because I had seen my Prince Charming. Besides, after my last post, I really didn’t feel like blogging.

Anyway, here I am – again. Getting back to normal. Beginning to miss my parents again. And with a lot of things to share.

We started Infertility treatments this month. I know I wrote in my last post that I don’t want to go through it but obviously we changed our minds. Main reason being the two occasions when our daughter burst out in tears telling us how lonely she felt being an only child. Ofcourse, I was expecting that. But not this early. I always thought that she would probably be a teenager when she’d come and unload her loneliness on me and how I would talk to her about how hard we tried and how I understand her pain. But it suddenly hit me one day that I CAN’T understand her pain. I had a brother who would wait for me at the door when I came back from school. So we are undergoing treatment for infertility, hoping next year we can give our daughter the biggest gift of her life – a sibling (even though she might regret asking for one later :))

Just a little over 5 months after joining my company, I got a performance bonus AND a raise! It was totally unexpected (I wasn’t expecting any until I completed a year) and felt good to be recognized for all the hard work I put in during these 5-6 months.

I and my husband celebrated our 10th anniversary this year. I am sooooo excited though I don’t know why. I always thought we would do something “special” (maybe go on a cruise or for a vacation) on our 10th anniversary. But we didn’t. The same day, our daughter had the first practice session for the basketball program that we signed her up for. So we stayed home. Until noon. Then we went out for shopping and then dinner. But we did have a good time together. I and my husband are closer and much better friends and much more in love with each other than ever before. This hit home more poignantly upon our first visit to the Infertility specialist. I was telling him that I had been very depressed for quite some time after our daughter’s birth. He asked us if my depression ever caused either one of us stray (“Did either of you ever have an affair?” is what he meant). And I was SO SURE that my husband NEVER even thought about it – EVER! All through those tough years, when I was depressed and we were constantly fighting, I never had to worry about him leaving me for someone else. Do I ever worry about it? Yes, sometimes – probably when I am just having an anxiety attack. Do I think it will EVER happen? Nope! (Well, only time will tell :) - right Honey?)

On the day of our anniversary, my daughter did some calculation. And then she confronted me with the facts. “Mom? You got married in December, right? And I was born in October. Does that mean I was born before you got married mom?” “Ah, um….. ahem….. er… No dear. You see, we got married in December of 95 and you were born in October of 98. So….” “Oooooooooooowwhhhhhhhhhh!!” Her “OH” went up and down and all around suggesting that she hadn’t actually taken the years into account :D

I spent one full paycheck on clothes, shoes and accessories. OHHHHH!! Did that feel good! Let’s see – I bought a suit from Anne Klein for my company’s holiday party, a pair of trousers, a t-shirt and two jackets. At Liz Claiborne, I bought two pairs of trousers and a t-shirt. At Ann Taylor, I grabbed another jacket and a shirt. Bought me knee-high boots from Rockport and then 3 more pairs from another store and a purse that matches my suit for the holiday party. I am a shopaholic – I can shop all day long and still not feel tired. But till now I have had my addiction under check – I do it only once or twice a year (Though my husband might disagree on the statistics :P)

OK Now - back to work. Shoo! I have a 1000 things to do and only 2 hours to do them.

GOD!! It hurts like hell!

I have been toying with the idea of writing this post for quite some time now. But there are a lot of variables involved. How will my husband feel about my revealing this - and I care a LOT about how he feels (I know you are reading this honey :D), how will I feel later, what if someone in our friend circle, who we haven’t told this yet, finds out, what will they say and so on…

I have always been a proponent of doing your own thing and not caring about what others say. And I really don’t care about what others will say. What I worry about is my fragile, little ego. Yep! THAT ‘e’ word. It was hard enough to accept the facts (hold on! I will write about what is bothering me) but it is going to be harder to be the object of everyone’s sympathy. Specially after I have reconciled myself with the situation. At one point, I did need sympathy (or I thought I did). Now I am trying to forget the pain, put on a brave face and any sympathy at this time might crumble that façade. Why am I blogging about it then, you wonder. Right? I feel secure in the blanket of anonymity that the Internet provides. And besides, its not that I hide the fact. Quite a few of our friends know. Its just that I don’t think some of them even deserve to know (None of their business, I say).

The issue that I and my husband have been struggling with for over 4 years now is that of secondary infertility. We have been trying to have a baby since February of 2001 – no luck yet. At first, it didn’t trigger any alarms. “Maybe next month”, we’d say to ourselves. “We are too tired” or “We are too busy this month”. Well, months turned into years and now it feels like I am running out of time. Yes, we have been through almost all the tests. Yes, there are some minor problems. The most difficult part is finding a healthcare professional whose decisions you can trust.

Then there are occasions like baby showers. Very painful. Nosy friends(?) who want to know why I don’t want to have another baby (your husband wants one, they inform me) – very irritating. Every conversation with these friends ultimately turns to a discussion on why I shouldn’t delay having another baby. No matter how hard I try to steer them in the other direction – they are like ants making a beeline for sweets. My mom told me I should be thankful that at least I have one kid. Well, I am. But that doesn’t take the hurt away. It hurts the most when my daughter says “Mom, I have been praying to God for a baby brother or sister for a long time but He doesn’t listen to me”. It feels like I failed her. I couldn’t give her the only thing she has ever asked for this sincerely. I can barely keep my composure when perfect strangers comment (upon learning my daughter’s age) “It’s time to have another one now”. I feel like screaming at them – IT WAS TIME FOR ME 4 YEARS AGO. HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I CAN’T CONCEIVE? It would probably be some consolation to know that something is wrong with me and that is the reason I cannot conceive. But all my tests turned out good. Everything is normal.

I always wanted three kids. Don’t know why, but I did. And I didn’t want huge age difference between our kids. But we waited because we weren’t financially stable (and I wasn’t emotionally stable because I was so depressed). I and my husband believe that one should bring children into this world only if one is capable of providing well for them (you will be surprised at how many people don’t think so). We still haven’t tried options like IUI and IVF. And I am not sure if we will ever try IVF. Reason? It costs loads of money. I don’t know how much of it will be covered by insurance, but we have other priorities right now – like saving for our daughter’s college education, buying a home. Sounds petty? Maybe. But I am a realist. And we are not millionaires either.

Writing about this has already taken a load off my chest. I was very sad today. Still am – a little. But I really do thank my stars that we have our daughter at least. I hope someday she will understand why she is an only child. I hope she will understand that we didn’t deprive her of a sibling. And I sincerely hope she will find true love in her life so that she isn’t all alone in this world after we are gone.