Mis(sed) Conception

Yeah, that is about right. We went in for IUI last december, we conceived, we celebrated, we found out it was a blighted ovum, I had to miscarry. That's the story.

It was a dark time for me. And lonely. I had my husband, family and friends rallying around me but I still felt lonely. I recovered slowly - thanks to my husband who has been very supportive and understanding all along and to my friends and family who provided ample sympathy. I needed loads of it in the beginning to bathe in the "why me?" misery. Time passed, I got better and now I can talk about the whole event without shedding a single tear or letting out a sigh. Yeah - I am getting stronger each day. I am so strong now that I have stopped feeling. And I have stopped counting the weeks. I would have been almost 14 weeks pregnant by now - but who's counting anyway? Now I just wonder will I feel bad on September 3rd? That would have been the estimated due date for me if everything had gone well. Will I even remember to feel bad on Sept 3? Well, only time will tell.

I have so many things to write about but i had to get this post out of my way. Had to get it out of my system one last time (that is what I tell myself when I catch myself thinking about what happened).

We have shared this news of our misfortune with our family and friends. The only person who still doesn't know is our daughter. Sometimes I wonder - will she feel bad that we didn't tell her when she finds out? We wanted to spare her the pain so we hid this from her. I hope we made the right decision.

But we are moving on, the troopers that we are! There is some good news to be shared too. We are buying our first home. We are excited. Busy planning the closing, the move, the decorations and the repairs. And in the midst of all that it strikes me again - how would it feel to do all this while being pregnant? Would I have been tired all the time? Or full of energy knowing I had ony a little bit of time to get settled in? Which room would the baby have gotten? Dang!! I can't get it out of my mind. Not yet. Well! At least I haven't broken out into tears this time....