My first official, legal, actual tag (Yipee!!)

Rohini tagged me. My first "legally acquired" tag!! By that I mean the first tag that has been assigned to me without me asking (read begging) for it :D Mahima graciously tagged me when I asked her to, but I haven't completed it yet.

I have been hibernating - sort of. Was going through a LOT at work and at the personal front, and when things get like that, I just withdraw. When Rohini tagged me, my first thought was "Dang!! I gotta do this?" But once I started, it was fun.

OK, without further ado, here we go...

I am thinking about…
The embryo transfer. It is scheduled for Saturday, July 22nd. I hope it gets pushed back to Monday, July 25th because that would mean they are going to “Blastocyst Phase”, which means better quality embryos. That would also mean I can take two days off from work :P

I said…
NO WAY I am going through IVF!! And here I am – already been through the dreadful injections, egg retrieval and now waiting for the transfer. Goes to show how seriously one should take my words :P

I want to…
Sing… Dance… Exercise… Make new friends… Just because. Lately I have been having the feeling that I should do something because life is so damn short. I wanted a gift certificate to dance classes for my birthday (July 26th) this year. But know what? No can do :( Because I will have just gone through the embryo transfer and after that I am not supposed to exert myself.

I wish…
For nothing. Really. Except a baby. I have a wonderful, darling husband, and beautiful daughter, loving parents, a brother who is also my “first best friend” (my husband is my “second best friend” - just because of the order in which these two came into my life. The numbering does NOT have anything to do with the “quality” of these friendships), a house that I can make beautiful, a job that I can make a difference at, a few very good friends who are always there to lend their ears for my sob stories, a sense of humor (that dwindles at times, but still hasn’t gone out) and good health (note to self – start taking care of it NOW!).

I hear…
Ringing in one ear. Really! Have had it for over 6 months now. In light of other things that I am going through, it seems very insignificant – so much so that I haven’t even mentioned it to my parents or my brother (So bro, now you know!) Apart from that, I sometimes hear the sadness in my daughter’s voice when she recounts how someone at school or camp bullied her, I sometimes hear the twinkle in her heart when she is telling me about something funny she did that day, and I always “hear” the love my husband has for me in everything he does for me.

I wonder…
How I got so lucky to get such a gem of a life partner. And right now I am wondering what the traffic on my way back to home is going to be like. I wonder how things used to be in olden times. No, really! Everytime I visit a new place, I try to visualize in my mind what it must have looked like, say, a hundred years back. 300 years? How did people dress? How did they entertain themselves? I sometimes wish I had a time machine that I could use to go back in time to see how things were. I loved reading “Gone With The Wind” mainly for the description of the customs that people followed in those times. (how girls were supposed to behave, what the social structure was like, etc.)

I regret…
My behaviour during the time when, due to depression, I was a total bitch. I didn’t even know that I was depressed. I used to teach at an institute in my hometown. I cringe when I think back to that time – I was strict with my students (which is OK, in my opinion) and I used to yell at a few of them (NOT OK). I sincerely want to find each and every one of them and tell them how sorry I am for having behaved that way. I regret having lost 5 beautiful years to depression after having my daughter. I regret that we delayed going for infertility treatments for so long (5 years!!) I regret losing almost 10 years where I could have built a good career – not out of my own choice, though. I regret a lot of things a lot of times, but I am good at getting over those guilt trips. (Indicates a high self esteem :D)

I am…
More patient now. I am loyal. I am (or try my best to be) honest in all my relationships. I am very independent – do not take very well to someone “fawning” over me – except when it is my husband doing the fawning :D I am also looking forward to 7:30 pm when I can leave work to go back home. And I am tired of one particular friend asking me over and over again if I am pregnant.

I dance…
As best as I can but I don’t know how to. I desperately want to learn to dance. I dance in front of the mirror sometimes and then smack my forehead at how clumsy I look. I dance when I am happy. I like to listen to music and dance to it when I am cooking.

I sing…
Along with the CD Player in my car. I used to sing pretty well but over the years have gotten out of practice. My daughter loves to hear me sing when she goes to bed, so sometimes I sing her a lullaby. At those times I marvel at how, for every kid, his/her parents are THE BEST. I am flattered when my daughter asks me to sing her to sleep. I do not sing as often as I used to, though.

I cry…
Only in front of people that I care about. I CANNOT cry in front of people whom I don’t like or am not comfortable with (is that correct usage of "whom"???). Sometimes, especially in the middle of my IUI/IVF cycle (due to the medicines I am on), I cry at the drop of a hat.

I am not always…
In a “sunny” mood. But even in my darkest of moments, I can find something positive to cling to.

I make with my hands…
My daughter’s future & character (I hope!). A loving home for myself, my husband and my daughter. Food – I love to cook. I love throwing parties. I used to sketch pretty well too – somewhere along the journey of my life, I lost that talent. Or maybe I didn’t lose it – it is just lying buried under some “baggage” that I accumulated along the way. I used to stitch. Not “seriously” but just for fun. And I made a few nice dresses for myself that I got many compliments for.

I write…
On this blog. I used to (there’s that phrase again – “used to”. I don’t like it. Note to self – change this. Somehow!) write poetry. I sometimes write “love notes” to my daughter and tuck them in places she would find later. I write emails to me parents and brother – very irregularly. I love writing – sometimes I just write to “practice”. I have won a few calligraphy competitions in my school days. My handwriting is something I improved by myself. I used to have a spidery scrawl. Then in the summer vacation after grade 6, I decided I wanted to make it better so I started practicing. I had a nice enough handwriting by the end of summer.

I confuse…
Sugar-coated hypocrisy and treachery for friendship sometimes. I am too simple and honest, and I think every one else is too. I have found out, on a number of occasions, how mistaken I am on this count. But the optimist in me still wants to give every one a benefit of doubt. No matter how many times I get “burnt” in friendships, I am always going to trust people until they prove themselves untrustworthy. That’s me.

I need…
Some time away from it all – the Infertility Treatments, the job, the crazy routine. I need to bring some romance back in my married life. I and my husband still love each other from the depths (and widths, and heights, and lengths) of our hearts but sometimes I feel we need some more “oomph” in our relationship. I want to set his heart on fire again. I want to get butterflies in my stomach again. I want to be like a schoolgirl in love for the first time – again.

And finally…
I am off! The day is over. I am going back home. Ciao!!

I suddenly realized I can't think of even 5 bloggers to tag! :-O I, maybe, visit about 5-7 blogs regularly. I need to expand my social circle in the blogworld. Anyway, here are the "tagees" -

Anurag - we need something more than photographs now. We need an insight into his "self".
Mint - She would have some very interesting things to say, I am sure. She always does.
Anumita - She doesn't do tags (I think) but what the heck! Let's give it a try...
Mahima - She has a good style. And she is just back from her trip to Australia, so I am sure she would have a lot to write about.
Ardra - She came back form a vacation and should be ready to go for such an assignment now. Besides, I want to get to know her better.