GOD!! It hurts like hell!

I have been toying with the idea of writing this post for quite some time now. But there are a lot of variables involved. How will my husband feel about my revealing this - and I care a LOT about how he feels (I know you are reading this honey :D), how will I feel later, what if someone in our friend circle, who we haven’t told this yet, finds out, what will they say and so on…

I have always been a proponent of doing your own thing and not caring about what others say. And I really don’t care about what others will say. What I worry about is my fragile, little ego. Yep! THAT ‘e’ word. It was hard enough to accept the facts (hold on! I will write about what is bothering me) but it is going to be harder to be the object of everyone’s sympathy. Specially after I have reconciled myself with the situation. At one point, I did need sympathy (or I thought I did). Now I am trying to forget the pain, put on a brave face and any sympathy at this time might crumble that façade. Why am I blogging about it then, you wonder. Right? I feel secure in the blanket of anonymity that the Internet provides. And besides, its not that I hide the fact. Quite a few of our friends know. Its just that I don’t think some of them even deserve to know (None of their business, I say).

The issue that I and my husband have been struggling with for over 4 years now is that of secondary infertility. We have been trying to have a baby since February of 2001 – no luck yet. At first, it didn’t trigger any alarms. “Maybe next month”, we’d say to ourselves. “We are too tired” or “We are too busy this month”. Well, months turned into years and now it feels like I am running out of time. Yes, we have been through almost all the tests. Yes, there are some minor problems. The most difficult part is finding a healthcare professional whose decisions you can trust.

Then there are occasions like baby showers. Very painful. Nosy friends(?) who want to know why I don’t want to have another baby (your husband wants one, they inform me) – very irritating. Every conversation with these friends ultimately turns to a discussion on why I shouldn’t delay having another baby. No matter how hard I try to steer them in the other direction – they are like ants making a beeline for sweets. My mom told me I should be thankful that at least I have one kid. Well, I am. But that doesn’t take the hurt away. It hurts the most when my daughter says “Mom, I have been praying to God for a baby brother or sister for a long time but He doesn’t listen to me”. It feels like I failed her. I couldn’t give her the only thing she has ever asked for this sincerely. I can barely keep my composure when perfect strangers comment (upon learning my daughter’s age) “It’s time to have another one now”. I feel like screaming at them – IT WAS TIME FOR ME 4 YEARS AGO. HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I CAN’T CONCEIVE? It would probably be some consolation to know that something is wrong with me and that is the reason I cannot conceive. But all my tests turned out good. Everything is normal.

I always wanted three kids. Don’t know why, but I did. And I didn’t want huge age difference between our kids. But we waited because we weren’t financially stable (and I wasn’t emotionally stable because I was so depressed). I and my husband believe that one should bring children into this world only if one is capable of providing well for them (you will be surprised at how many people don’t think so). We still haven’t tried options like IUI and IVF. And I am not sure if we will ever try IVF. Reason? It costs loads of money. I don’t know how much of it will be covered by insurance, but we have other priorities right now – like saving for our daughter’s college education, buying a home. Sounds petty? Maybe. But I am a realist. And we are not millionaires either.

Writing about this has already taken a load off my chest. I was very sad today. Still am – a little. But I really do thank my stars that we have our daughter at least. I hope someday she will understand why she is an only child. I hope she will understand that we didn’t deprive her of a sibling. And I sincerely hope she will find true love in her life so that she isn’t all alone in this world after we are gone.