GOD!! It hurts like hell!

I have been toying with the idea of writing this post for quite some time now. But there are a lot of variables involved. How will my husband feel about my revealing this - and I care a LOT about how he feels (I know you are reading this honey :D), how will I feel later, what if someone in our friend circle, who we haven’t told this yet, finds out, what will they say and so on…

I have always been a proponent of doing your own thing and not caring about what others say. And I really don’t care about what others will say. What I worry about is my fragile, little ego. Yep! THAT ‘e’ word. It was hard enough to accept the facts (hold on! I will write about what is bothering me) but it is going to be harder to be the object of everyone’s sympathy. Specially after I have reconciled myself with the situation. At one point, I did need sympathy (or I thought I did). Now I am trying to forget the pain, put on a brave face and any sympathy at this time might crumble that façade. Why am I blogging about it then, you wonder. Right? I feel secure in the blanket of anonymity that the Internet provides. And besides, its not that I hide the fact. Quite a few of our friends know. Its just that I don’t think some of them even deserve to know (None of their business, I say).

The issue that I and my husband have been struggling with for over 4 years now is that of secondary infertility. We have been trying to have a baby since February of 2001 – no luck yet. At first, it didn’t trigger any alarms. “Maybe next month”, we’d say to ourselves. “We are too tired” or “We are too busy this month”. Well, months turned into years and now it feels like I am running out of time. Yes, we have been through almost all the tests. Yes, there are some minor problems. The most difficult part is finding a healthcare professional whose decisions you can trust.

Then there are occasions like baby showers. Very painful. Nosy friends(?) who want to know why I don’t want to have another baby (your husband wants one, they inform me) – very irritating. Every conversation with these friends ultimately turns to a discussion on why I shouldn’t delay having another baby. No matter how hard I try to steer them in the other direction – they are like ants making a beeline for sweets. My mom told me I should be thankful that at least I have one kid. Well, I am. But that doesn’t take the hurt away. It hurts the most when my daughter says “Mom, I have been praying to God for a baby brother or sister for a long time but He doesn’t listen to me”. It feels like I failed her. I couldn’t give her the only thing she has ever asked for this sincerely. I can barely keep my composure when perfect strangers comment (upon learning my daughter’s age) “It’s time to have another one now”. I feel like screaming at them – IT WAS TIME FOR ME 4 YEARS AGO. HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I CAN’T CONCEIVE? It would probably be some consolation to know that something is wrong with me and that is the reason I cannot conceive. But all my tests turned out good. Everything is normal.

I always wanted three kids. Don’t know why, but I did. And I didn’t want huge age difference between our kids. But we waited because we weren’t financially stable (and I wasn’t emotionally stable because I was so depressed). I and my husband believe that one should bring children into this world only if one is capable of providing well for them (you will be surprised at how many people don’t think so). We still haven’t tried options like IUI and IVF. And I am not sure if we will ever try IVF. Reason? It costs loads of money. I don’t know how much of it will be covered by insurance, but we have other priorities right now – like saving for our daughter’s college education, buying a home. Sounds petty? Maybe. But I am a realist. And we are not millionaires either.

Writing about this has already taken a load off my chest. I was very sad today. Still am – a little. But I really do thank my stars that we have our daughter at least. I hope someday she will understand why she is an only child. I hope she will understand that we didn’t deprive her of a sibling. And I sincerely hope she will find true love in her life so that she isn’t all alone in this world after we are gone.

55 Words - No more, no less.

She checked her mailbox when she got home. Nothing. “No one writes to me”, she said to herself. “Maybe if I wrote to people, they’d reply” – so she sat down and wrote letters to her parents, brother, friends. Even a few to first and second cousins. Two weeks later, she checked her mailbox again – Nothing!

A little bit of this, a little bit of that...

I haven't blogged in a long while because I have been sooooooooo busy. I have been checking my favorite blogs regularly - not very religiously though.

A couple of weeks back, we went to Gloucester, MA for Whale-Watching. On the way I drew this. If you look closely in the left hand corner of the car, you'll see a person's head. It was so perfectly round and shiny, and the ears were so pointy that they stood out clearly even at that distance. I had to draw it!
















Our trip was fun. We saw many whales and had a nice time.

Last friday, I and my parents went to New York City. They loved the SkyRide at the Empire State Building. We are going back this friday. There are way too many attractions to visit in one day. And we're not going to be able to visit them all this time either.

Today I was giddy with happiness. Why? I have this little black skirt - not very little though - that I wore to the office for the first time. And I got soooooooo many compliments! I have owned this skirt for 5 months now but never wore it to office. Reason? Most of the time I am SO bloated that if I wore it, it would look like I am 7 months pregnant :P Today was that rare occasion when I wasn't bloated and the weather was just right for a black dress and I was in just the right mood! I think a lot of ladies will identify with what I am saying. Those of you who don't, DO NOT GLOAT!! The bloating is painful enough without having to go through "No, it doesn't happen to me!!" Now I am just waiting to get home so my husband can also see me in this sexy little number :P

Today was fun in other ways too. One major task I had on hand was to implement a group policy in our domain that would force a password protected screen saver to activate on a user's screen if the computer remained inactive for over a minute. It isn't MAJOR major, but I haven't worked that much with Active Directory, so it took me a little while. The fun started when the policy took effect **evil laughter** I realize that a minute is too short, but I was only following orders. Oh, it was fun to see people go "Huh??".

That's it. I'll blog again soon - if the users don't kill me first, that is.

What's the plan?

Yesterday, after a long time, I spent some mother-daughter time with my daughter. This was while we were walking home from a park. And we (well she – because I was just listening) charted her whole career in that 15 minute walk. It went like this -

S (My daughter): You know, I don’t want to be a doctor. I want to be a teacher.
I : Well that is a good career choice too.
S: Yes. And being a doctor is such hard-work!
I: Every job requires hard work. Even teachers work very hard.
S: I am going to have a BIG, GIANT house. And I will run my school in it. (After thinking a little) And you know what? My husband can have his office in one of the rooms too.
I (Thinking): Huh? When did HE come into the picture? (Out aloud) Yes!!
S: I think I will teach the Kindergarten class. No! I’ll teach the first graders.
I: That should be loads of fun.
S: What will the kids do when I take a day off?
I: You can have a substitute teacher come in then.
S: Maybe we could call Miss Kelly. (Miss Kelly was her first grade teacher)
I: Can I teach in your school too?
S: You can. But won’t you be dead by then?

You can depend on kids to ask such innocent whammers of questions :) I told her that I plan to be around for a long, long time and that I am not going anywhere till I am a hundred and fifty! But this is what even I worry about many times – what if I am not around to watch my daughter grow up to be a fine woman that I know she will be. That will be the biggest heartbreak for me – if you understand what I am saying.

Pictures!!!!

Our new Honda CR-V! Nice, eh?

Taken from aboard the Maid of the Mist.

The Niagara Falls. This picture doesn't capture the majestic beauty of the falls. I will try and find one that does justice to it. Till then, make do with this...

And now, time's up! It's midnight. Gotta go to bed - goodnight!

Watch out for more pics. Now I have pics saved on my laptop and my laptop is connected to my home network now. Wireless network! Means I can sit anywhere in the apartment and blog away :D

PC Troubleshooting for dummies (By Dummies)

Whew! Just finished replacing a hard drive on a computer. Spent the better part of an hour just trying to take the old one out. I don’t understand why computer manufacturers try to out-do themselves with every new model. It is like they are challenging consumers to “Try and take this out!”. This model had two screws hidden on the base that held the hard drive cage in its place. I had already taken 4 (yes, four!!) screws out, looked into every corner of the computer chassis to try and find a release mechanism or a hidden screw when I finally gave up, decided to call the tech support and put the computer down. By mistake, I put it upside-down. And there they were!! Two shiny screws that almost screwed up my day. Now that the installation of operating system on the new drive is under way, I sat down to vent.

For the last few weeks, or may be more, my best approach to troubleshooting issues on users’ computers has been “Let’s reboot it and see what happens”. I kid you not! This solves more problems than I can logically explain (yes, some problems can be solved by rebooting – much like you can start any Bajaj scooter by tipping it over for a few seconds :D ) I have “solved” many problems like IP address conflicts, crazy computer behavior, hung applications, missing Outlook settings, missing profiles, un-cooperative applications like QuickBooks, Adobe, Microsoft Office, connection problems….. The list could go on and on. I have a suspicion that the users snicker behind my back when I ask them to reboot their machine. I am thinking from now on, I will bring their computers to my office, keep them there for three days while I “troubleshoot” the issue, reboot the machine on the third day and give it back to the user. Smart plan, eh? I even fixed a Xerox WorkCentre by restarting it! So the rest of the equipment is catching up on the “restart” craze, huh? Good for me : )

Had loads to write, but the moment I started typing, everything flew right out of my mind. So this is it!

I'm speechless!

So I decided to blog. Just read on cnn.com that a New Orleans police officer committed suicide because he couldn’t deal with the chaos any longer. What a waste of life! How desperate & frustrated he must have been – a police office who is used to bringing chaotic situations under control – to take his own life. He was just 36!! He lost his own home in the flood.

I must confess, much as I would like to, I haven’t had much exposure to the news regarding New Orleans flood situation. Partly because I have been very busy to even pick up a newspaper or turn on the TV. And let’s face it, reading the newspaper doesn’t do anyone any good because they don’t cover much of non-local news. And now they are even making this out to be a racist issue. Trust the journalists to take the focus away from the real crisis (danger to the lives of so many people) and put it on their own agenda (inefficiency of George W. Bush govt. or racism) because that is what gets people’s attention!

Anyway, I heard that even after a mandatory evacuation order, many people chose to stay back. Maybe fear of loss of property and valuables made them stay back. Many of them must have stayed because they had no means of getting out. But some definitely stayed because they had no plans of leaving. That made me wonder about human nature. How materialistic can we get that even a threat to our lives would make us take such foolish decisions? Why did these people stay back? And now they are blaming the authorities for the “misfortune” that fell on them? I even read that one man refused to evacuate even after a rescue team found him and his family (if it was a “rescue” team, it must have been after the flooding, I am assuming). The rescue teams decided not to take any food or water to any such “victims” in order to force them to evacuate. Can you blame them? I don’t!!

The mayor could have put in more efforts to evacuate the city before all this happened. I didn’t hear anyone placing an iota of blame on his administration. He should have known how much of the city’s population will need transportation and help in getting out. Why weren’t people forced to evacuate? I read about visitors flying into the city just before the disaster. Why weren’t they stopped from entering? Preventive efforts like this would have made the after-effects of this calamity less severe.

In my opinion, this situation has two faces to it. On one side is the inefficient local administration who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) evacuate people even after a state of emergency was declared. On the other side are people who refused to heed the evacuation warning. No government or administration can help people if they don’t want to be helped. But, to me, it seems very unfair to place the blame squarely on one person’s administration for all this.

People had adequate prior warning. They could have left before all this started. Many did. Granted, not everyone is well prepared (or even slightly prepared) for a situation like this. But in times of crises one needs to make decisions, and fast! There has to be a priority to everything. In my books, life of my loved ones (and my own – of course) has a priority over everything else – be it money, property, house or anything else.

All said and done, even in the worst of situations, people always have choices. I have been hearing/reading stories about choices people have made all these days. I have been hearing about those who made matters worse for everyone around (rescuers and “rescuees”) by looting, shooting and creating a havoc, in general. What was their motive or reasoning? I dunno. Where will they go with those plasma TVs and loads of jeans they looted?? (For the record, I am not against people who looted food and water to help sustain their families). And then there are people who are still trying their best to help others. Heard a story on today’s news about a man who went around in his boat rescuing people. Amy Henry, the woman who distributed food and water in front of a restaurant after being rescued, and sang in an impromptu church service. These are the stories that lift my spirits up. In my opinion, journalists should stop shouting “Racist!” and highlight the work of these people – if they won’t do anything else to help the victims.

Say what??

I am feeling restless today. I want to pour all my feelings, all my opinions and impressions out. I started this blog with the intentions of doing just that. But then, from the very beginning, I started holding back. Afraid that someone who didn’t like my opinion or what I write about might be offended. And at the same time I advocated “freedom of speech” for other blogs. Talk about hypocrisy!! All this changes NOW. If I don’t like something – you’ll know about it. If something disturbs me, elates me, saddens me, scares me, puzzles me or educates me – you’ll know about it. If something fails to do any of the above, you’ll still know about it – if I have the time to write about it.

Over the years, I have learnt the “art” (?) of diplomacy. I hear everyone’s point of view and rarely voice my own opinion. And no! Talking to you doesn’t count, my dear husband :D I used to be very vociferous where making others aware of my feelings/opinions was concerned. Now I am going to WORK at bringing my previous self back! Watch out world, here I come!! (With my opinions).

My trip to heaven

I meant to post this as soon as we came back from Niagara. Couldn’t find the time, so didn’t.
Our trip was great. This was our 6th trip there. I just love that place. I told my mom - "This is where poor people like us vacation. People who don't have the money to go to Disney Lands and Hawaii and Australia and Europe...." Gosh! Do I sound bitter? Actually, I am not. I am just focused on saving enough for a house, so I don't mind not taking any vacations. Oh, it does hurt like he** when my daughter says "I wish we could go to Hawaii..." or something like that. But I know - this too, shall pass.

We started out later than we planned, but got there in time to take the “Maid of the Mist” tour and caught the fireworks at night. The hotel room was nice – we were staying at HoJo (Howard Johnson) and had booked “Crayola Rooms”. These are rooms that have been decorated by Crayola (the crayon makers) specially for kids. They had art specifically made for kids, bed covers, night lamps, alarm clocks all revolving around a colorful theme, a special table & chair set & an art easel. Our daughter was ecstatic! And I was happy to see her so happy. All in all, a relaxing a happy weekend. We came back from the trip on Sunday morning at 4 o’clock. Slept like logs till 9:30 and then it was just another Sunday – spent preparing for the next week.

I love going to The Falls. The water mesmerizes me. I love the Maid of the Mist tours – doesn’t matter that I have been in them 6 times! This time, since we now have our Green cards, we could have gone to the Canadian side. But we didn’t, because that would have meant leaving my parents alone on this side. Not that they would have been lost or something, but it just didn’t feel right. We'll make another trip to go to the Canadian side.

There is a new aquarium near the falls now. We took a tour through there too. They had a Sea-lion show when we reached there. Caught almost all of that on our camcorder before I ran out of tape. And then toward the end of our trip, the battery in the digital camera died on us. Classic story of our lives :P We did take the charger with us, but where do you suppose we could charge it after checking out of the hotel? But anyway, I am becoming less of a control freak so all our vacations don’t have to have pictorial evidence now :D

The rest of this week was crazy. Had loads of work to do – seems like a lot of problems arose while I was gone. And almost all of them had to be handled by me. I don’t mind that actually – I had been jobless for so long before this one came along, that I actually enjoy my day when it is packed full of emergencies : )

My mom and dad are great help. I don’t let them work in the kitchen much (of course – with my control freak-ish-ness what else would you expect?) but they spend a lot of time with my daughter which is the only thing I ever wished for, from them.

I promise I will post pictures from the trip soon – don’t go away!

First day of school, and a jumble of other thoughts

Note: I wrote this post yesterday when it WAS Wednesday but couldn’t put it up on the site.

It is the last Wednesday of August. Significance? Norwalk Public Schools open today. So we drove down to the school with our daughter. She is going into second grade this year. I took two hours off from work, my husband took one. We “bonded” with the teachers and other parents, and with the bus driver on our way to school :) We are sad that some of our daughter’s good friends are not with her this year (the school has a policy to reassign students to different classes each year) but we are glad that some other friends of hers are.

On my way out of the door to drop our daughter off, I remembered to grab the digital camera. And my husband did remember to recharge the battery after we returned from our Niagara trip. BUT he forgot to put it back in the camera!! So, for the second year in a row, we have no “first day of school” pictures :( Last year we forgot to take the camera. What a pair we make :D Oh well! At least we remembered the camera this year. Next year will be even better – we will remember to put the recharged battery back in the camera – I promise!! I have been wondering though – can I cheat? I mean, I can take pictures tomorrow and label them as “first day of school” pictures and no one would know – right?! Hmmmm!!!

Note: I added this today….

MY classes started too – on Monday. It was quite a last-minute thing for me. The class that I actually signed up for was cancelled. I decided I won’t sign up for any other class and will just take the semester off. Then, at the last moment I decided to look up the course catalog and found a course that might help me in my job. Talked to the professor who said I could attend the first class and register later. I like the instructor, like the course and already made a new friend in class!!

Work is slow today. I have a lot to do but am in the middle-of-the-week slump here. Hope to pick up after this post.

Just took a quick look at the news reports about the flood situation in New Orleans. My heart goes out to the people who have lost so much there, who are still stranded there, who are hoping that help will arrive soon. I worry about those who might need medical help but aren’t getting any, babies, mothers, mothers-to-be. There must be so many people who absolutely need to get out of there immediately. Imagine the helplessness they must be feeling!

I remember watching a documentary film at least 5 years ago – it was about New Orleans and how it was like a bowl sitting below sea level. At one point in the film, the commentator said that it is a city waiting for a flooding disaster to happen. And when (not if) such a disaster does happen, there will be little anyone will be able to do. How true that has turned out to be! I have caught myself wondering in the past few days – why didn’t the people who are stranded there listen to the evacuation warnings? Why did they still stick around? I know these questions are not going to help anyone now. I know that maybe they thought they could ride this one out too. My prayers are with them!

I read a few news stories about the looting going on there. Again, I have ambiguous opinion about it. There are some who really need the stuff – like food, water, baby supplies. Then there are the “real” looters – who had the foresight to loot guns before proceeding to loot other stores. They are doing this for the plasma TVs and the drugs. THAT is ugly! How do you stop the latter without stopping the former? It is interesting to observe how different people react under same circumstances.

I also read in a news article (and heard it on the radio too) that shots were fired on rescue helicopters. WHY? Why would someone do that? Did they do it just to have “fun” seeing everyone’s hopes of being rescued dashed to pieces? Or were “they” mad that they weren’t the ones being rescued first – so they shot at the helicopters with the twisted idea that no one will be rescued if they weren’t.

I am so overwhelmed with all my thoughts on the situation that I think I am getting incoherent. I am unable to express what I think clearly. So I’ll stop.

You are fine, how am I?

Yes, my parents are finally here! And we are having a great time, thankyou. One person having the most fun is my daughter. She loves the attention they shower on her. So, all is well on that front.

But this has been a crappy week already (and it is only tuesday today). Yesterday, soon after I arrived at my office, I got a call from my husband. The water heater at home had broke. And who was in the midst of all that chaos? My poor parents!! The water heater, I later learnt, was spewing boiling hot water. And my mom and dad were frantically trying to do something, ANYTHING. Only, they didn't have a clue. My mom turned the fuse off but the water was still gushing out. (I was on the phone with her and could hear the water running in the background). So I told her to send my dad downstairs to unit A. God bless the folks living in unit A, for one of them immediately came upstairs and turned the valve to the heater off. I don't even know their names :( That's life in the US for you - you say "Hi" to everyone, day after day and year after year, but don't know their names. I remember, I once took them some cake from my daughter's b'day party. But I still don't know their names :P

Anyway, so I took off early from work yesterday so I could assess the damage at home. Luckily there wasn't much. Then in the evening we had to go pick our new car (YES! We bought a Honda CR-V SE. Not the Acura MDX though, our dream car :(( ) So we reached the dealership at around 5:30 pm. What time do you think we got our car? 9:30 pm!! Everything that could go wrong in the transaction, did. They typed my name wrong on all the papers for starters. They didn't finish installation of all the features we asked for. They couldn't locate the spare keys. We were DEAD tired when we finally got home. Then we had dinner and went to bed. And then, in the middle of night, we got a call from India. The caller forgot what time it was at our end. Thus went our Monday.

Oh well, tuesday has been slightly better - in that it has been uneventful. And my supervisor gave me a very good review for my co-op. He said he is very happy with my work so far. I am glad - I was so low on self-esteem when I started this job that I never thought I could do a good job in any position.

Friday, we leave for Niagara Falls. Till thursday, I am working an hour extra each day. I offered to do this since I took off in the middle of the day yesterday. That .... is... all. Over, and out!

One down, two more to go...

Days, that is. For what, you ask? Until my parents get here. Yes it is a big deal - to me. This is the first time in more than 7 years that they are visiting me. And the first time since I and my husband set up a home for ourselves. So, we are excited. And we are waiting with bated breath :D

This week was not so bad. Considering we saved ourselves a great deal of money. How much? I'd say about 40-45 grand. How? By not buying a new car :P We decided to buy an Acura MDX. Even took one out for a test ride. Lovvvvvvvved it. Then, two days later, my husband went to the dealership to start the paperwork (for registration, insurance etc.) and then we got cold feet. We calculated that we would be spending over 1000 dollars extra each month. And THAT made us say "Not yet!". It's not that we cannot afford it - but our priorities are different right now. We want to own a house first. We could, even if we bought this car. But this way we can do it sooner. Does that sound very "chicken-y"? I hope this turns out to be a wise decision....

Today is the last day of my daughter's summer camp. I am happy that she will finally get to relax and spend a couple of weeks as one should during one's vacation. I sometimes wish we had enough money and/or support to allow her to stay at home to and do NOTHING to enjoy her vacation. I remember that is how I spent mine. I would just stay in my room the whole hot day, sketch and read like crazy and come out only for food. Nothing else could entice me out from the confines of "my cave". I still miss those carefree days when my biggest worry was "What will I read when this book is over?". Well, the only consolation is - my daughter loves the camp. Maybe she doesn't know any better ;)

Ohhhhhh! This is a VERY long friday. I, and a few colleagues of mine, went out for lunch together. Came back after an hour and a half. And its still 3:30. TWO more hours to go until I can pack my bags and leave for the weekend. My boss is working from home today - smart fellow. Lucky too! I am just counting the loooooooong hours, minutes and seconds. I even warned a colleague "DO NOT mess with me on a Friday!" He got the message. Haven't seen him since.

Can you hear me now? Good!

This well-known line from Verizon totally depicts my relationship with God these days :D He can definitely hear me. I was looking for a job - I found one. I was looking for mental peace - I'm getting there now (and hence my screen name for blogger.com). I desparately wanted my parents to get visa to come visit us - THEY GOT IT!!!! I am excited. I am elated. I am ecstatic. I am euphoric.

Now I am waiting for Him to hear another wish of mine. Will let you know when it is fulfilled. (Don't want to jinx it - do we?!)

This week started on a dismal note. But it is getting better by the day. I am learning to be optimistic again.

I have promised my daughter that today will be a no-yelling day for all of us. We won't yell at her if she listens promptly to us. Wink, wink. Good idea to get your kids to listen to you - innit? And if they don't (listen to you) and you do (yell, I mean) then its because they didn't keep their part of the promise. He he he... I am a genius!!

Now I am under a LOT of stress. Have to straighten out the apartment before my mom gets here and confirms her "lazybones" impression of mine. Have to call a few self-storage companies 'coz we have to find a storage space to dump our stuff to make space for their stuff. I realize we are becoming quite the pack rats. Its not like our apartment is very small - we have two bedrooms and two living rooms. Each bedroom has a wall-to-wall closet (not "walk-in" though), there are three more BIG closets to shove our stuff in and a laundry room too. Not bad for an apartment, really. But over the years we have collected sooooo much stuff, its disgusting. I am hoping my mom will throw most of it out when she gets here. I just have to tell her that I NEED it absolutely ;) Ha!

Anyways, gotta go! Lunch break is over!!

The waiting game

My whole life seems to be about waiting right now. I am waiting for the work-week to be over, waiting for my parents to get their visa so they can come visit us, waiting for my classes to start again (I miss college!!) and waiting to get a phone on my desk at work. The last bit is the most difficult. No, wait! The second part - waiting for my parents. Its killing me :( They were supposed to visit us last year (around the same time) but just a week before my parents' visa interview, my dad had a stroke. Thankfully, ma had the presence of mind ot take him to the hospital immediately so he is alright. (I thank my stars I have a mom who can keep her cool in times such as these - more about my mom and why I admire her in another blog). But the stroke left him with impaired vision in one eye (due to a small blood clot in the brain) and his doctors advised him against long distance travel for quite some time. Then, early this year my parents said they were ready to come visit us again and here we are - waiting for them to get their visa. They have "The Interview" tomorrow morning. I can't wait :((

I am excited! This will be the first time my parents will be visiting MY house (all those times when they visited me at my in-laws' place don't count in my opinion). So, I am under a great deal of pressure to prove to my parents that I am a good housekeeper. Oh, who am I kidding? They know how lazy I am :P Anyway, I am eager to show them the "home" my husband and I have set up for ourselves. Its not big (it's an apartment, and I HATE living in it!) and we don't have a lot of luxury items. But it is warm and cozy (well chilly yet cozy at times - specially when it is a 100 degrees outside) and a place where our daughter has the MOST childhood memories. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying SO HARD for my parents to get their visas.

Our daughter is excited too - I have told her that Nana-Nani will have only two jobs (yupp! EVERYONE in our house has to have a job)

1. Reading to her and teaching her how to read and write Hindi
2. Taking her out for walks

Well I know I cheated a little. I combined two jobs in the first one. You don't think they will notice - do you? I am going to absolutely FORBID my mom from entering the kitchen. She and Pa work very hard as it is, and both of them deserve some rest. Well, they can enter the kitchen when they have rested a little :P Did I tell you my dad makes a killer kabuli? (and poha too) My mom - she is a magician where regular food is concerned. And I am dying to cook for them - specially my "famous" dahibade. I know they will love them. This is the first time after getting married that I will celebrate diwali with them. I know they are looking forward to this trip as much as we are. So, won't you PLEASE pray HARD with me for them to get their visas?

Pretty please??!!

If.... then....?

Been wondering. Suppose there is a trailer truck on a straight highway, going at a certain speed, carrying about 12 cars. Say, all the cars suddenly vanish into the thin air. If everything else remains the same (speed, path, wind direction, force etc.) the truck's speed should increase - innit?

Comments welcome....

Nothing tastes better than a(n) ...

...bowl of Bikaneri Bhujia with a cup of tea.
...cup of hot tea in the morning.
...dosa with coconut chutney and sambhar.
...serving of hot roti sabzi that mom used to cook.
...plate of "Kabuli" that dad cooks.
...a toast with a cup of tea when you are VERY hungry.
..."Pakoras" on a rainy day.
..."Chholey-Chaat" prepared by a 'Khomchewala" standing by the side of the road.
...Idli with coconut chutney.
...plate of poha with Ratlami sev.
..."Shahi Samosa" from "Arora Namkins" in Jodhpur.
...Parle-G "biskuts" with a hot cup of tea.
...glass of sugarcane juice on a hot summer afternoon.
...cold watermelon slice.
...glass of cold cofee with icecream as dessert.
...plate of bread poha.
..."Gujhiya" on Holi day!!!

Update: I didn't realize anyone was reading my blog anymore (except my brother and husband) so didn't care to elaborate on the items mentioned in here. Here is an update describing each item briefly, to my best ability, for those who are interested. Those who aren't can skip this section. They can skip this post entirely as I know it isn't very funny. I treat this space as my "Comment/Thought/Vent Space" and come here just to relax and put down whatever might be running through my head at that time.

Bikaneri Bhujia - Fine, savory, spicey fried noodles made with lentil flour. A speciality of Rajasthan, a state in India - my home state. Bikaner is a city in Rajasthan where this wonderful snack originated.

Dosa - A thin crepe made of a slightly fermented batter consisting of lentil flour and rice flour. Fermentation gives it a distinctive slightly sour taste and a wonderful aroma. Sometimes a vegetable (like dry, stir-fried spicey potatoes) is rolled up in it. But tastes good even by itself - atleast to me.

Coconut chutney - A dipping sauce made of fresh, grated coconut. Has many other ingradients, but coconut is the main one.

Sambhar - A lentil soup with a log of veggies in it. A lot of special spices make it a very distinctive dish.

Roti - Indian flat bread made of whole wheat flour.

Sabzi - Vegetables. Mostly any vegetable cooked with Indian spices and herbs.

Kabuli - A special "rice-pilaf". Very rich (in that it has a lot of dry fruits in it) and very filling. But, oddly, I could never have enougvh of it - even if I were bursting at the seams after having eaten a LOT!

Pakoras - Vegetable fritters. Vegetables (like potatoes sliced very thin, cauliflower, onions, spinach and almost every other vegetable you can think of) are dipped into a batter of roasted chickpea flour (mixed with other spices and herbs, ofcourse!) and deep fried. A rainy day is still a very good excuse to start frying these golden, crispy little nuggets. Go well with a steaming hot cup of tea.

Chholey-Chaat - Chholey : Chickpeas cooked Indian style i.e. with spices and herbs. Chaat: Potato patties, covered with chholey and other spicey and/or sweet-sour condiments. ("Khomchewala") :A street vendor with a small stall along the roadside.

Idli - Small Lentil flour+Rice flour cakes steamed. The batter for these is very similar to that for a Dosa. It is fermented too which gives it a distinct aroma and taste.

Poha- OK, I am having difficulty coming up with a description for this :P "Poha" is just boiled rice grains flattened and dried. Then you just gently wash them and cook them with a blend of spices and herbs. Washing makes them fluffy. A very popular breakfast dish in some parts of Middle India (like Madhya Pradesh - my husband's home state).

Ratlami sev - "Ratlam" is a city in Madhya Pradesh. "Ratlami Sev" are so called because they were first made there (I guess) and to my knowledge, you don't find them outside of Madhya Pradesh. I ALWAYS bring back loads of them from my trip to India. They are spicey, fried noodles made with roasted chickpea flour, much like "Bikaneri Bhujia" mentioned above. but the two are very different in taste in you couldn't replace one with another :D I like both.

Shahi Samosa - "Shahi" means "fit for royalty". Samosa is a savory, deep-fried to a crispiness, snack, made of whole-wheat flat-bread filled with a spicey filling of boiled, mashed potatoes. It is usually triangular in shape. Tastes great on its own or with a sweet condiment like ketchup.

Parle-G "biskuts" (Biscuits) - Cookies VERY famous in India. Supposedly very rich in calcium :D I loved them as a kid and my daughther loves them now. Having these cookies with a cup of tea (you dunk them in the tea) on weekend afternoon is a ritual in our family :)

bread poha - See the description for "poha" above. Instead of the rice flakes, you use fresh bread crumbs (not dried) for this. Is an acquired taste I guess - I haven't come across many people who like it. I used to crave this dish when I was pregnant - nothing else! Cooked it at 1 in th morning one time :))

Gujhiya (Holi day) - Ooooooooh! This is my favorite-est!! It is a little bit like empanadas - a semi-circular, deep-fried, crisp sweet filled with a mixture of "mava" (milk boiled and stirred until it dries up into a thick mass that you can no longer stir :D), coconut flakes, sugar, dried fruit flakes (like almonds and cashew nuts) and a whole lot of other goodies. Requires one to be an excellent cook before you can even think of cooking it (in my opinion. There are very few cooks who can cook these to my liking). "Holi Day" is a special festival in India, very close to my heart as I have many fond memories of it, but disliked by many others because it can get very messy and rowdy (well that is a part even i don't like - rowdy I mean). People have fun coloring each other with colors(dry as well as water-based) on this day. This is supposed to be a celebration of the completion of the harvesting season. There are many other meanings associated with it - won't go into them as this post is about FOOD :D

Que Sera Sera, whatever will be will be...

I am in a reflective mood today. An hour and half trip to New Jersey (and another 1 1/2 hrs back) does it to me. I think a lot and that is the time I and my husband talk the most. Maybe because there are no chores or TV programs to distract us. Pathetic, isn't it? :)

Anyway, today I was thinking of (some) things that could have been. Like how I always wanted to be a career woman, and then had to go without a job for over 5 years. And now my career is just starting. How I always wanted three kids, for instance, with very little age difference (maybe 15-18 months apart - I know I wasn't thinking straight when I wished that!). What happened in reality? I have one daughter - 6 1/2. I never thought I and my husband would leave his parents' house (we lived in a joint family) and here we are - in Ummreeca :P I was thinking all this and then this song began playing in my head - "When I was just a little girl..........". Haven't been able to get rid of it since :( I do that a lot - think of the past and of things that could have been. Been trying to get rid of that habit - almmmmmost there!

A couple of weeks back, we went to see "Bunty and Babli". Liked it. But in the beginning I was worried about what message my daughter will pick up from the story. After all, she is only 6. Running away from home and living a fun life might seem fascinating. So, she comes to me today and says "You know? Every movie has a message in it for us!" "Really? What do you think this movie wanted to convey?" (We were listening to songs from "Bunty and Babli"). "Well, I think it says don't lie and don't trick people". Hmmm. I have been thinking - is my daughter seeing someone on the side for "parent advice"? I don't remember discussing this with her!!

So you want to know me a little better, do you?

Mint started it all here. I thought doing this would be fun. Besides, I haven't posted in a long time. Here goes....

1. I don’t smoke.
2. I don’t drink – maybe a glass of wine once every six months, but that’s it.
3. I don’t do drugs. Never have.
4. I wanted to smoke very badly once when I was in college. My husband (then my boyfriend) held me back. And I thank him for it now.
5. I like to read murder mysteries.
6. I like to watch thrillers/action-adventure movies.
7. I hate reality television.
8. I love romantic comedies.
9. “Step Mom” is one of my favorite movies.
10. I loooooooove shopping :)
11. I love driving, too.
12. 12 years after completing my Masters in Computer Management, I am still studying. I don’t think I shall ever stop studying. I enjoy it way too much.
13. I love my husband and my daughter very much.
14. I love and respect my parents very much.
15. My brother was my first, true best friend.
16. My husband is my confidante, best friend, pillar of support.
17. I still miss a lot of friends I lost touch with.
18. I love to cook.
19. I love to cook for people who love to eat.
20. I sometimes worry about my parents’ health, wondering if they will get the pleasure of watching my daughter grow up.
21. I am very career-oriented.
22. I am very loyal to my friends.
23. I like being by myself sometimes.
24. I like being with friends sometimes, too.
25. My idea of a nice evening is to have dinner with some close friends, sit around and talk or maybe play monopoly or scrabble. Oh, and the kids are already in bed!
26. When eating out, I am not an experimentalist – I like to stick with the choices that I have already tried and tasted.
27. I am an experimentalist when I cook.
28. I believe that being a “working-out-of-home” mom will make my daughter more independent.
29. I like to help people.
30. I would like to have a little more money (who wouldn’t?) but money isn’t “be all, end all” thing for me.
31. I was very depressed for over two years after my daughter was born – because of a number of factors. They included poor post-partum care and unemployment among other things.
32. When I was a kid, I was very ashamed of my big feet. With time, I learnt to counter criticism (directed at my feet) with “Tall buildings need big foundations”.
33. I am a survivor.
34. I don’t like participating in organized religion. I have religious beliefs, I am tolerant to others’ beliefs and I expect them to tolerate mine.
35. I don’t like politics so I behave like an ostrich where politics is concerned. Bury my head in sand…
36. For me it is very important that my daughter goes to college and has a good career.
37. I used to be a funny, bubbly person. Now I am just a little funny.
38. I regret not learning any musical instrument.
39. I grew up in a desert town.
40. I used to sketch. Now I don’t.
41. I believe terrible parenting begets terrible kids. A kid has to have one good influence in his/her life.
42. Rudeness leaves me speechless. I come up with a million answers to someone’s rude comment five days later : (
43. I feel I am blessed to have my daughter. She is a great kid.
44. When I was pregnant, I wanted a girl and I wanted her to be born in the month of October. Desparately. Why? I don’t know. Both my wishes came true. (My due date was November 9th and my daughter was born on October 31st).
45. I love spending money on books.
46. I don’t listen to many English songs. Absolutely know nothing about western music and am not ashamed in saying so.
47. I am trying to get more knowledgeable about western music. I already know a LOT of nursery rhymes ;)
48. I love western novels. Specially those authored by Loius La’Amour.
49. I make new friends very slowly and break old friendships slower-ly. (If I have to)
50. I still haven’t told you a lot of things about me!! Maybe next time…

New job, lay offs and everything in between

Last few weeks have been very eventful. And seems like the next few will be more so. I got a new full-time job. Exactly what I had been looking for. Co-workers are nice and manager is even nicer. On the other hand, my husband's company is in deep trouble and about 50% employees are going to get laid off. We don't know if he will be one of the fortunate ones to stay or not. Just keeping our fingers crossed and our minds stubbornly on the day-to-day matters - strictly off the tension lying ahead.

I have been thanking God the last few days actually. For my job, for our health (my daughter is getting better) and for how much better off we are than many other people. Last year, around the same time, we were VERY tense. My husband's company was in troubled waters (the current situation is actually an extension of last year's problems) and we were in a very vulnerable position. My husbnd was on H1b visa, I didn't have a job and at that time losing his job meant we would have to pack our bags and return to India. The IT market in India wasn't exactly booming at that time. Also, returning meant tough times for our daughter. Back in India, she would have to learn to read and write a whole new language. Here she is at the top of her class, there she would be at the bottom because the learning system is VERY different in both the countries. This year, we have our Green Cards, which means we don't have to return. I have a job, which means we can still get insurance coverage. AND WE DIDN'T BUY THE ACURA MDX THAT WE WERE THINKING OF BUYING!!! I mean, I would hate to pay a car installment at this tense time of our lives :) Things are definitely much better this time......

Work is good. I still am not doing much - just getting the hang of things. I happened to walk in on an emergency on the first day. Things haven't quietened down yet. Our offices will be moving to another nearby city in a month or two - so I don't expect things to quiet down for quite some time to come.

Yesterday, I almost murdered a processor :D One of our computers just died on us. My manager called Dell and since the computer was still under warranty, they sent us a new power supply and a new mother board. My manager told me to rebuild the computer so I started working on it. Well, to make a long story short, I bent the pins on the processor badly out of shape. The best thing I did was, confess to my manager in time. And then I helped him find the right tools to fix it - a safety pin and a pair of tweezers. Poor guy spent almost an hour on straightening the pins and finally was able to put in the processor properly in its place. But has been teasing me mercilessly ever since. Said he's thinking of giving me the "Golden Hammer Award for Installing a Processor" :)) I guess there is no relief in sight until I can rebuild another computer - properly this time. Still, I am relieved that the processor was saved!

Nothing new here, guys...

Funny how mundane can comfort you. Specially, when you have been on your toes for the past many months. Just running from one obligation to another. Meeting deadlines, creating new ones, missing a few but trying to be on time for every meeting, class, school activity, field trip, volunteering work and all last-minute parties that pop up. After all this, the prospect of spending the whole weekend laundering, cleaning, cooking and vacuuming is VERY inviting. That is what I meant by having a “relaxing” weekend and that is what I had. Didn’t even bother to study for the much-dreaded finals looming up ahead. Haven’t submitted a lot of labs at all lately – but didn’t even bother to work on them. This is how good my weekend was :D

OK. Its Monday now and I still haven’t posted this. Weekend, as I wrote earlier, was gooooooooooooood. We went out for dinner. Its an Italian place – Bertucci’s. I wish we had an Olive Garden around here. Heard they were coming to our town because of the increasing demand. Spent the whole Sunday afternoon doing laundry. Boy, did THAT feel good! (To have clean clothes at last :D) Will spend the whole week ironing them now. I know I sound crazy going ga-ga over such boring tasks. But believe me, I have been so busy lately, I look forward to the ironing as that would also give me a chance to
1) Think,
2) Stay in front of the idiot box without feeling guilty, and
3) NOT study (Not that I do anyway, but still….)

Tuesday: So, it will be some time before I can publish this blog since my DSL connection is on the blink. UUUURRRRRRGH!! Just got off the phone after telling my woes to yet another tech support. Told her if this problem is not solved this time, I am going to cable. Lets see if I can actually carry out the threat. Whatever the problems with DSL, I think they don’t try to con me into paying more like cable guys. The cable company is regularly coming up with new ways everyday to line their pockets.

Wednesday: I tried to troubleshoot the connection yesterday and WAS able to get connected but today its down again. Thought I should study a little before blogging and after about 20 minutes of studying the connection went down. I know whenever we get on the phone the DSL somehow gets disconnected. But why? No idea. Have had atleast 4 technician visits and they couldn’t figure it out either. Have another one of these visits scheduled for tomorrow. Meanwhile, life is peaceful here…..