Where do I fit?

As far as hard-core feminists go, I probably am not a contender to be one. I agreed to my father-in-law's condition that I stay at home in order to marry his son. That is, I agreed not to work outside of home. I took my husband's last name. I stayed at home after my first daughter was born. Because I wanted to. I like to cook and "keep house". And, *gasp* I wear a bra!! Okay, the last one was my feeble attempt at humor.

But the fact is, if you look at my actions and decisions in the last decade and a half, I don't come across as a feminist. Yes, I made one choice that I regret - gave in to an unreasonable demand that I won't work outside of home. Apart from that, I don't regret any other decisions I made. Yet I believe that I AM a feminist.

You see, I believe feminism is not about working outside of home, or about keeping your name. It isn't even about not letting men open doors for you or giving up a seat for you in the bus. I think feminism is about choice. Being able to choose. As simple as that.

So I can choose to stay at home to look after my kids while my husband goes out to earn, because I believe that is the best thing for my family. Or I can choose to work and to send my kids to a daycare, if I believe that is what will benefit me and my family. Or I can stay home because I HAVE to - maybe the finances don't permit me to send the kids to the daycare or due to some medical condition my kid has due to which I am not comfortable sending her to daycare. As long as the decision is mine. As long as it is not imposed upon me. As long as I don't stay home because "that is what daughters in law of this family do". Sometimes these decisions cannot, and should not, be taken in isolation. Both partners have to make a joint decision. But as long as one partner's wish is not being imposed on the other, it should be fine.

Yet, I have seen so many males proudly proclaiming that they are very "open minded and forward thinking" because they insist their wife work outside of home. Or women admitting proudly they don't do anything around the house because, well because they are "educated" and "not like those women who stay home". I have a second cousin who refused to marry into a family because she did not want to do any house chores and they couldn't afford a full-time maid. I have seen people proudly say "Oh, we will let our daughter-in-law work outside the house if she wants to". I agree that it is pretty mature of them to do so, keeping in mind that there are countless others who stifle their daughters in law for the sake of their false pride. But is it really being "open minded"? That you "allow" your daughter in law to work? Isn't assuming that you can allow, or disallow an adult, quite contrary to being open minded and forward thinking??

And then, it gets tricky in my mind. You see, I also know and accept that the sexes are not biologically equal. Does that make me anti-feminism? That I accept my gender's limitations? I am not saying my gender should be discriminated against on this basis. So just because women are the (physically) weaker sex, doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed in mines or on battlefields or aboard spaceships. Equality of sexes, to me, means both sexes should be given an equal opportunity to try things. So, yes, a woman should be given a chance to opt for Mining as her major in engineering college. AND a man should be give an opportunity to be a stay-at-home dad if he wants to. Equality means both sexes should have same legal, financial and political rights. You get paid according to the effort you put in. You get a job if you can prove you are capable of doing it.

And no one, NO ONE, has the right to judge you on the basis of the choices you made.

A pretty confused, and confusing, post as has been the norm lately. I started out with a different train of thoughts and ended up with this. This has left me dissatisfied with the outcome but I will post it anyway.

Use your words

Note: I wrote this post just before I got laid off, and in the excitement (?? :D) of losing my job I forgot to put it up. I debated whether I should put it up now, after more than a month, and decided that I do want to. Even though things are a little different now, this is how I sometimes feel. So here goes...

This is what I say about my husband to friends, family and to J himself:

• He is a loving and responsible father and husband.
• He is my pillar of support. I know I can fall back on him, any day any time.
• He pitches in equally (sometimes more than that) with the kids and other responsibilities around the house.
• He is generous.
• He does not spend on himself even for things we can easily afford.
• He respects me.
• He puts family first.
• He is not at all selfish.

This is what J says about me:

• .......................................

And so it has been for the past 12 and a half years. Now, the wise and sane among you will say (and have said so in the past) that as long as he shows, with his actions, his appreciation, I should not mind. Well, I tried. But I still mind.Why is it so hard for him to give me what I have been asking for? Pleading for? When he KNOWS what I crave? And when I give it to him freely?

I'll tell you what this lack of appreciation has done to me. It has eaten away at my self-esteem, my sense of "worthiness" for my family. I have begun believing that I don't do anything for the family in comparison to what HE does. He brings in the bigger paycheck that pays for all our bills, mortgage, necessities. He loves us girls unconditionally. He carries his responsibilities to his family (us) steadfastly. He doesn't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm his family. He picks up the girls from school/daycare/camp. Takes S to her doctors' appointments.

What do I do? I don't pick up the girls. I don't take S to her doctors' appointments, though I do take M to hers. I bring in a minuscule amount of money that can't even pay for one month's expenses+mortgage. That is how I feel.

I sat down last night to reflect on it. And I realized what I do for our family/us.

• I love my family more than I love myself.
• I put my family's welfare/well being before mine.
• I honor the family budget. I have credit cards and J never questions me on any expenses. I have the freedom to spend. But I don't. J tried to turn this argument around by saying - I have never stopped you from... Well, THAT is not the point here. The point is that I DON't even though I have the means and opportunities to. THAT should count for something, yes?
• Yes, I have expensive tastes. And that is why I don't buy the things on my list of "I want" items. I am willing to wait until we have that kind of money. And if that never happens, it is fine with me too. Here also, J said "I have never said no to buying those things..." Zat is not ze point dear. Ze point is, I show restraint so our family doesn't suffer financial distress. Again, THAT should count for something. Right? Right!
• I make sure my family gets nutritious meals. At the same time I, again, take care of the budget by cooking at home.
• I love him and the girls unconditionally.
• I carry my responsibilities to our family steadfastly.
• I don't drink, gamble or otherwise engage in ANY hobby/habit that could harm our family.
• I drop the girls off at school/daycare/camp.
• I take M to her doctors' appointments.

So you see, I am not completely useless in this family. I do carry some responsibilities sincerely.

This is what I told J the last time we argued over this. How this lack of appreciation is making me doubt my worth. It is dragging my morale down. The whole world sees and comments on how involved a parent he is. His mom commented how he was the best husband I could have ever hoped to find because he gifted me exactly what I wanted for my birthday. My parents commented how great he was to have agreed to take care of the girls while I paid a surprise visit to them for my mom's retirement. Coworkers and friends raise their eyebrows and exclaim "How nice!!" when I tell them how much he helps me and how there is nothing, that I do for the girls, that he can't do. I am not contesting any of these praises. I am the first one to accept that I hit a goldmine when I married him. My issue is not with the praise and accolades that he gets. I'd be the first one to tell you that he deserves all of it twice over.

My issue is with the praise I don't get from him or his parents or our friends. And frankly, I don't care about praise from friends and family. All I care about is appreciation from HIM. Because in absence of it, I am left wondering if he thinks I am slacking off, or that I am not pulling my weight in this relationship or if he even notices what I do around here.

A field trip and a few questions

Warning: A jumbled post ahead. Read at the risk of getting a migraine!

S went on a Team building field trip with her class this Monday to the YMCA in a town about 27 miles from here. Parents volunteered to drive the kids to and from there. Most field trips are like that - parents volunteer to chaperon or drive. I got laid off from my job last month so I grabbed this opportunity to go on a field trip with my daughter and get to see her classmates, to see how she interacts with them and to generally be with her.

There were two instructors who led the entire class through some fun games and activities that also help build team spirit. First they played a modified version of tag, then were given a "puzzle" which they solved by brainstorming together. All the while the instructors were driving home the point that things get easier when you work as a team, and that working as a team also means listening to your team. A very important lesson for 9 and 10 year old kids, believe me. Heck, an important lesson for many adults I know.

Then they were led into the woods on the YMCA property for more activities. One was rock climbing. They had a 45 feet tall wall made for rock climbing. The kids were told they will each get one chance to climb it but they had the "right to pass". S' school has this concept of "right to pass" where any child can take a pass on any activity if they don't feel comfortable doing it. I think it is a good idea because it prevents hurt self-esteems of kids who are forced to do something and fail, and it reduces teasing to a great extent. Everyone knows that all kids have the right to pass, so no one gets teased for opting out of an activity. Also, those who try and fail feel better that they at least tried.

Most of the kids tried, one opted to pass. Then when he saw how much fun it was to be swung down on a rope, he decided to give it a try too. The first kid climbed the ladder (the base of the wall was about 10 feet above ground and they had to use a ladder to get there) and as soon as he grabbed the first rock, he got scared and wanted to come down. No big deal, as these were just 10 year old kids. S went next and she decided she couldn't proceed after climbing 2 or 3 rocks. Down she came. Then the 3rd or 4th kid climbed the wall all the way to top and rang the bell. After that two girls scaled the entire wall. And there were a few other kids from the second group who did it too. The most interesting part of the wall climbing exercise was the reaction of the first boy's (let's call him R) dad, Mr. G. When the first girl climbed the wall to the top, he said out loud "Are you boys going to let a girl beat you?"

Later we proceeded to another activity where there were 5 tyres hanging from a rope tied between two tall trees. The tyres hung at different heights and the challenge was to move from one tyre to the other without touching the ground. If someone got stuck their teammates helped out by swinging into them to push them towards the next tyre. The first kid to reach the last tyre held on to the second-last tyre so they could swing it out to the next person. If someone touched the ground, they started all over again. R couldn't manage to do this one either and he really didn't mind. He was busy having fun, which WAS the ultimate goal. N, the girl who had scaled the wall, did this one fairly easily too. So Mr. G started pushing his son to do it because he couldn't "let a girl win". He was encouraging the girls and complimenting them on the accomplishments too, but he also kept saying "are you going to let a girl beat you?" all the time. I guess he thought he was providing a challenge and encouragement to the boys. He even got upset at his son because his son "is a boy scout and should be able to do such activities easily". The son, at one point, got upset at him for which I really don't blame him. When this had been going on for about 15-20 minutes, one boy turned to Mr. G (right after one of his "Are you gonna let a girl beat you?" remarks) and said "Mr. G, ever heard of being a gentleman?" to which Mr. G replied an enthusiastic "Of course!" The boy turned back and muttered loud enough for all of us to hear "Of course you have!". I gave him a mental high-five. Mr. G went strangely quiet after that, though he still did make sure that his son completed that activity at least ONE time.

What IS it with over-competitive parents? Can't they let their kids be? Just once let them enjoy the ride and not worry about the destination? Someone told me about a mom who was asking another parent about a technology magnet middle school in a nearby town. One of her questions? "How many kids from this school make it to Harvard and MIT?" I mean, come on! You are talking about middle school students. Give them an ambition by all means, but don't go around with a rigid yardstick for measuring success. S is very good at math. She is doing junior high algebra at KUMON while the rest of her class is still struggling with double digit multiplication and long division. While I would like for her to go into technology field (the sole reason being J and I understand technology better than we understand anything else and I know she has a similar aptitude), she has expressed interest in becoming a vet. I know at this age ambitions are not permanent. They can change a million times before they arrive at the point where they actually have to choose a career. But I would never even dream of telling S that one career could be better over something of her choice. Yes, I would like to give her facts, and maybe ask her to weigh her decision carefully (when she is old enough to make such decisions) but I would NEVER tell her what she should do. Then sometimes I think maybe I am doing this all wrong? Maybe I should push her, force her, tell her, impose my wishes a little more on her? I dunno. I sincerely hope I am doing the right thing.

Another thing that struck me at the field trip was the other extreme of this "make every kid feel valued" movement. Know how "all kids are special"? Which translates to "losers are as successful as winner because... well, because ALL of us are special". What IS it with this killing of the competitive spirit? A little, healthy competition can be very good for kids. They learn a lot of things from it - sportsman spirit, the drive to succeed, how to be a graceful loser. When the first kid scaled the climbing wall, S' teacher declared every kid who reached the top of that wall will receive five "school dollars". In S' school, kids receive these fake dollars for good behavior or a good academic performance etc. They can save these dollars and buy anything from the school store (that carries donated, but new, items or things like homework passes etc.) When the teacher declared the award, one kid immediately piped up - "It isn't fair to kids who can't get to the top". That really amused me and also made me a little sad and concerned. We have made our kids so politically correct that they have forgotten (or maybe never learnt) that good performance is awarded with rewards while a less-than-good performance doesn't get anything. That, to get a reward, you need to put in little more effort. It IS sad, isn't it? What also bothered me was that the teacher didn't grab that opportunity to discuss this with the kid(s).

Today I went to S' school to meet with the teacher who runs the Academically Talented (AT) program. A child needs to be placed in "Advanced" level for reading and writing to be recommended for AT. S missed the advanced level in writing by just 5 points (a small margin) and in reading by 15 points (a bigger one). So I know she cannot be recommended for the program, and she understands that too. And frankly, I am not very concerned about it either. In my opinion, the AT program does give them an opportunity to do many interesting things but it doesn't make or break anything for them academically. I just wanted to understand the procedure and requirements for being placed in advance placement classes in middle or high school. During my conversation with the teacher, she mentioned that I can tell S that apart from her actual performance, there are many other "stupid" factors that decide whether a student can be in AT or not. She meant to say - your daughter's lower-than-required score is not her fault. Well, I disagreed with her. My daughter's scores - good or bad - ARE a result of her efforts. Just like she won't credit someone else for a good score, she can't blame someone else for a bad one either.

I have seen and heard of parents covering for their kids bad performances in tests. Moms call professors in their kids' college to "talk" about their scores. I don't know - if my parents ever did that, I would have disowned them for humiliating me so completely. Parents hover over their kids while they do their homework, write their reports for them. This might be considered "good parenting" but I am sure the college professors won't be receiving a phone call from this mom. If my daughter didn't study for an exam, she WILL face the consequences. When will we let our kids take the responsibility for their actions and face the music? The sooner we do that in their lives, the better it is for them. This lesson learnt early in life means there are less costly mistakes further down the line. When will the parents understand that?

Who, me??

Itchy, Suki, Dottie and Sraikh have honored me with this award. I am speechless honestly, as I only write about mundane stuff (my kids, my life and sometimes my opinions) that I didn't think would interest anyone.

Itchy gave it to me along time back and then Suki and Dottie. And now very recently, Sraikh. The last one is so recent that Sraikh hasn't had a chance to even leave a comment on my blog to inform me :D (I came to know of it through Google link alert). I am extremely sorry ladies, for the delay in accepting it. It isn't that I don't appreciate this thoughtful gesture on your parts. I was busy preparing the acceptance speech but as it turns out, I forgot it once I got to the "stage" :P So, without further ado, I accept it most gratefully and (am supposed to) pass it on to seven others. Now it so happens that the very ladies who presented me this award are among the seven I would have chosen. So I was left with the task of finding four more.

Brilliant Weblog is a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design. The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogsphere.

First, here are the rules:

1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back

2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’

4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

5. And then we pass it on!

Now for the seven bloggers who, I think, deserve this award (though I do think I am not brilliant enough to award them):

1. Anurag from DogJournals. He writes brilliantly. He was the person who goaded me into starting my own blog. Encouraged me with his comments on the most boring of my posts. And now has all but disappeared from the blogging world because he is very busy in real life. He has always been brilliant. Always. Was my first best buddy, and still is. The only person, apart from J, I go to when I am extremely depressed. My brilliant little brother.

2. Priya from PriyainSuburbia. Writes brilliantly. Presents her thoughts so coherently that I can never even dream of doing.

3. Roop from RoopScoop. Another brilliant writer and a gem of a person. Her passion for helping the disadvantaged I admire. And her strength amazes me.

4. Rohini from Mamasaysso. A career woman and a hot mama. Someone I hope to learn a lot from. Her poise in expressing her opinion, the clarity of thoughts and the fine balance between career and family life she maintains - I envy he for all that.

5. Lumi from Lumismusings. I have learnt a lot from her, and have a lot to learn still. She gives me clarity of thought when I am confused and provides sound and sane advice when I need it the most.

6. Grail from Just some Grail. She knows how to laugh - at herself AND the world - even when the tides are against her. Her boys are her life and she is the kind of mom I hope I'll become even if for just one day of my life. She inspires me with her optimism.

7. Kiran from Karmickids. She is the kind of mom I hope of becoming. Dedicated, determined and completely devoted to her son. She is the kind of woman I wish I could be - stylish, grounded, well-read, with a great sense of humor.

Am I really??

Catching a movie along with good food and fun friends often beats a wild night out. Why not enjoy a brisk ride in a horse carriage or a fine wine from a good year. You love life and don't feel the need to live it in fast forward. You are really hot because you're already so cool with your life.

Few more "Ninni-isms"

God, I'm getting old! I meant to record all that M has been doing these past few months and I forgot thes two "gems". One - she loves saying "mama". Not because I am her favorite, but becase while saying that, she can blow spit bubbles. So each "mama" comes out slowly and deliberately, with a spit bubble forming and getting bigger. And she does it in all seriousness - not a smile, not a twinge of merriment in her eyes. She gets so engrossed in it that just making a bigger, better bubble seems to be the next stop :) I don't remember when she started doing it - it has been at least 4 months.

And.....

I forgot the other one. AAAAARGH!! Is age really catching up on me? This swiss-cheese memory is driving me nuts! I forget things I was going to say mid-sentence. I am not kidding you! I am glad I don't forget the way to my home!

OH YESSSSSS!!!!! I remember now, what I wanted to record next. (See the NEED to put down these memories on this blog? I'd forget all of them by the next birthday otherwise)

You ask M - "OK??" and she nods her head, smiling. Sometimes, depending on her mood, she might even shake it in a "No", but mostly it is a nod. You don't have to precede the "OK" with a valid question. Just asking "OK?" in a concerned tone is enough to get her response.

And with this, my shabby memory brings up another forgotten incident. Last Sunday I had invited a few friends from work over for lunch. While I was busy cooking in the kitchen, S called out and asked me to come take a look. When I went into the living room, this sight greeted me - M, behind an end table that had a glass vase with some flowers in it, had pushed it out a few feet and was concentrating on pushing it further, maybe she wanted to take it to the next room. Really grunting with the effort. The only thing hindering her path? The darned wall! For a little while we had a little push-war. I, trying to push the table back in its place, and M trying to push it out. Our camera is on the blink and we haven't quite finalized which one we want to buy next, so unfortunately no pictures of that.

But, in the meanwhile, here are a few pics that one of the friends (who came over that day for lunch) took with his camera. Yenjoy!!

More to come....

Oh, and I forgot

That she LOVES trucks! The ride-on kind. So we got her one that can be converted into a wagon later. Its awaiting assembly. And there is this small car that belonged to S. M loves to play with it.

She has this cute way of sitting on the raised platform in front of our fireplace - she turns her back to it and then slowly backs into it until her legs touch the platform. Then gently, very lady-like, she lowers herself and them beams at us! And we have caught her trying to sit on other things in a similar fashion - a bottle of Vicks Vaporub, a shoe, a block from her set of blocks. Puts the item on floor, backs into it gingerly and sits down, trying to center her butt perfectly on the teeny item that she is trying to sit on. And the quiet determination with which she does this is hilarious to watch. Our camera is on the blink, so unfortunately, no pics for the moment.

She has discovered a light switch in our family room that she can play with if she climbs on the bed right next to the wall (big sis S helpfully showed her how). J spent one whole Sunday afternoon trying to get her to stay away from it. Then shut the door in frustration. Monday, I heard her giggling in the family room and heard a tick-tock sound. Went in to find she was at it again. I raised one eyebrow, wagged my finger and said "Uh-unh!!" and the little miss backed away! I tried that 4 or 5 more times with the switch playing AND other things and found, to my amusement, that my "Uh-unh" had an immediate effect on her. It stopped her in her tracks! Every time. So I told J when he came home. He tried it next. No result. (Giggle) I tried it - little miss made a fake sad face, cried a fake cry and backed away and then ran away "crying" :P We had fun just for the heck of it a few times more - M going at the switch, I going "Uh-unh" and she backing away with a fake cry and a fake sad face :) It seems to have slipped her mind. But if I know my determined little girl, she is just waiting for her chance!

First Year of M (And us, a family of 4)

She is walking faster, more confidently. She has a temper. She also has a sweet nature, if you can imagine it coexisting with a monstrous temper :D She is naughty, determined and she hasn't been the star of a post on this blog in a long time. She said "milt" clearly yesterday morning, when J placed her in the high chair and she saw her sippy cup of milk. Oh, that reminds me! She has been weaned from the bottle. Completely!!

And she throws really high-quality, best-value-for-money, ring-side-seat worthy, sooper-dooper-jumbo tantrums!! She threw one yesterday. Non-stop screeching, screaming, crying, not-eating, not-drinking-"milt", not-letting-go-of-sippy-cup ONE-FRIGGIN'-HOUR-LONG tantrum. What did I do? Didn't lose my temper for one. And I am mighty proud of it :) I am getting really good with not losing my temper with this one. Only thing that makes me feel guilty is that I did lose my temper with S for lesser/smaller things when she was little. I guess first children lose out in that respect. But they teach an invaluable lesson to their parents. Of tolerance, of tuning oneself out during a whine or a tantrum, of not whacking or not yelling or of not doing whatever the parent might be feeling guilty of doing to the older child. They are the best on-the-job training one can get :)

I have been told by my mom that my father used to whack me one every now and then. "MY father?" I asked incredulously when this information was passed on. I don't remember the whacking. But then my father wrote me a long email once telling me how he feels guilty that he used to occasionally smack me if I were being stubborn. (And for the record, I wouldn't blame him - I WAS that kind of stubborn :P) And he said by the time my younger brother came along, he had learnt to control his anger much better. He advised me to learn to control my temper with S or I would have to field the same guilt one day. He was so right! But on a separate note to my brother - you should be thankful to me buddy, that I "trained" pa!

Anyway, so getting back to the little monster. She turned one and I didn't write about it. She had a birthday party and I didn't write about it. She is being transitioned to the "Toddlers' room" at her daycare and... well, I am writing about it now :P Yesterday's tantrum was probably a result of the stress of being in a new environment and missing her favorite care providers.

Most days she wakes up and keeps playing in her crib on her own until one of us stirs. Not a peep out of her until then. As soon as one of us as much as lets out a slight cough, she is up, holding the crib's railing with one hand, and dragging her blanket up with another, calling out "eh?". And the calls become insistent if we pretend not to hear (which we do sometimes, the meanie parents that we are!) Only occasionally, if she is probably hungry or wants a diaper change RIGHT NOW, does she wake us up by crying. Of course, I know that Murphy's whatever law dictates that tomorrow she WILL wake up crying. So consider it already recorded here.

Her most favorite toy is a plastic kitchen clip inside a transparent plastic container, which she endlessly pulls out and puts back in. Sometimes I give her containers in different shapes, sizes and colors and that just triples the fun you know! Loves going to the dishwasher and smiling at her reflection in the shiny black surface. (Please note my subtle way of telling you that yes! I wipe and clean the dishwasher!!) Loves fruits of all kinds. Her daycare provider tells me that she can't cut up peaches fast enough for M to eat. She loves cherries, strawberries, papayas, mangoes, watermelons and bananas.

She is a social animal as has been demonstrated on many occasions at functions, parties and get-togethers. At her own birthday party, she ate lunch with one of her aunts, played with one of her cousins, went to everyone who would care to look in her direction, blissfully ate all the strawberries she could lay her hands on and didn't go to sleep until the last guest had departed with a cheerful "bye".

She has cut many, many teeth. I haven't counted, and I haven't "explored". And she didn't show many external "signs" of teething either. She'd be a little cranky and stop eating and we'd guess that she must be cutting a tooth.

She has been sick a lot of times during the last 14 months. Has had 5 or 6 ear infections, many stomach upsets, stomach upsets due to lactose intolerance, numerous coughs, colds, fevers and yes, one cut lip too. But all through it she has remained the (half) joy of our life (the other half being S), the laughter in our home (one half of the laughter, the other half being S'), the shine on our faces and the light in our hearts (again, half of each: S completes the other half).

Letter to a spectator

Dear "Uncleji",

You didn't say anything that day on the train, when I slapped that boy because he had been caressing me, touching me and lifting my skirt while I was sleeping. You even looked the other way when I slapped him and yelled at him. You pretended you hadn't heard me. You probably even smirked at me when I sat scared on my berth that he was going to come back with his friends and drag me off the train.

Probably you don't have a mother or a sister at home. Or even a daughter. Or, maybe you do, and you have trained them to keep quiet and not draw any attention to themselves. Maybe they don't even dress "that way" and hence don't go asking for trouble.

Kudos to you, uncleji, for doing such a great job!

Thank you for not speaking up for me that day. That taught me a few lessons. I learnt not to rely on people around me for help. I learnt to be extra careful while traveling on public transport. Most important of all, I learnt how not be.

Sincerely,

Cee

Note: This post is a participation entry for Blank Noise Spectators Special. Go ahead. Participate!

Let the records show...

That Ninni-The-Pooh is 1 year, 2 months and 3 days old today! Silly numbers! Silly mommy!! :D

Of respect in relationships

S and I are developing a routine where we go to the library every Monday. She is all showered and homeworked when I get home on Mondays. Then we have dinner and then head out to the library around 8. The library stays open late, until 9 pm, on Mondays. S gets two videos/dvds and a few books if she is done reading the current ones. I get a book, or not - depending on my mood and schedule.

Today while coming back from the library, we somehow started talking about relationships - as in boyfriends and husbands. S mentioned she hopes she'd find an Indian guy just like her daddy - who'd be as good a husband to her as her dad is to me (and that J is the best husband anyone could ever have is a fact). I grabbed that chance with both hands to talk to her about something I had been thinking of for a long time. Respect in a relationship. Specially, a husband's respect for his wife. Which, in my opinion, is more or less absent in many relationships I have seen around me. The husbands love their wives alright, care about them and for them too. But they don't hold respect for their wives' opinions on "serious" matters. Some, I have seen, don't even respect their wives - period. For them, respect flows from wife to husband, not the other way round. Sure, equal marriages are on the rise and I have many more friends who will jump in and say their marriage is an equal relationship. And I will agree with them. I am just talking about the relationships I have been observing at close quarters.

So, I got talking to S about respect in a relationship and how she should expect nothing less. This, I think, is what ALL parents need to teach their daughters. EXPECT respect from your partner. If you don't get it, the relationship isn't right for you. I also had this conversation with S because just today I and a few blogger friends were discussing why professionally competent women, beautiful women, successful women stay in abusive relationships. In my opinion it is directly related to their self-esteem and, in some cases, lack of support from parents. I want S to understand that no relationship is bigger than her self-esteem and happiness. That there is, and should always be, a way out from an abusive relationship. Sometimes I worry that she might end up in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical. It can be verbal and emotional too - and that is why I stressed on the "respect" aspect of a relationship. If your partner respects you, he/she will not abuse you in any way. That is my simplistic theory. And I hope S never has/needs to test it.

I have a cousin who is in an abusive marriage. Many family members agree on it - even though they probably wouldn't categorize it as "abusive". And that is not because it isn't so, but because the definition of an "abusive relationship" is very blurred and confusing. Coming back to the cousin - I asked her younger sister why she doesn't walk out on the marriage? Sister says because she wants to give her daughters stability and doesn't want to subject them to a broken home. Also, because she gets almost no support from her dad. Her dad, my uncle, tells her to "adjust". I feel there is only a certain limit to which a person can, and should, adjust. I also think this is the cruelest thing Indian parents (mostly) do to their daughters. Telling them to adjust. How can a person ignore what their daughter is going through and just issue a blanket dictate to "adjust"? My blood boils at it. Parents have the DUTY to cultivate enough self-confidence in their daughters so that they don't stay stuck in an abusive relationship. I, personally, wouldn't even depend on my parents to get me out of an abusive relationship (unless I needed their help in getting out safely). I would end a relationship the minute it started bordering on abuse. And go out and make a life for myself and my kids. Support from my parents would be welcome and appreciated but I wouldn't depend on it. I guess that kind of attitude depends on two factors - a person's temperament and their support system, namely parents and other close family members. If my parents brought me up in a traditional way, I might have had the same mind set. But then the same cousin's sister walked out of her home and declared she was going to report her in-laws to the police for abuse. She had been having issues at her in-law's place too. Just the declaration brought her in-laws (and husband) back to their senses and now she lives with them minus the issues. Real sisters, same parents, same (non-existent) support system. Two different outcomes. So, it really does depend on the person too. This is what I want S to understand. That she will have options. And she will have J's and my support.

I told J about this conversation when we got home (and after S had gone to bed). He agreed that he would encourage S to walk out of a relationship if it got abusive. That we will teach her to place her safety and peace of mind above everything else. I pray that S and M find partners who really love and respect them. Another thought springs into my mind with this sentence. At a recent party, a friend commented that she just hopes her sons (she has two) bring home Indian girls. She meant to say she isn't going to be particular about caste or religion. Another said she just hopes they bring home a girl (she has two sons too). She doesn't care about caste, religion OR nationality. My question is - what if your child comes home and tells you he/she is gay? Personally, I just hope that my daughters find a loving partner. Frankly I'll blow my top if one of my daughters told me she doesn't want to go to college but I won't blink an eye if she informed me that she is a lesbian. Really. I have given it serious thought and I know how I feel. Looking at all the unequal and/or unhappy marriages around me, all I want is for my daughters to find partners who truly care about them. Who would love them, respect them and be their support when I am gone.

And I hope somewhere, someone is teaching their sons (and daughters) about respecting their life-partner too.

While you are at it, don't breathe too hard either

Don't spit. Don't visit your neighbors in pajamas and slippers. Queue up politely. And whatever you do, DO NOT WEAR WHITE SOCKS WITH BLACK LEATHER SHOES!!!

This is what Beijing residents have been told by their government in preparations for the Olympic games. Another advice is "there shouldn't be more than three color groups in your clothes". WTF???? So now visitors will be offended by extremely colorful clothes? And white socks with black leather shoes? How about they tell everyone to stick to only three color group flowers in their garden, and color co-ordinate the flowers with those of their neighbors while they are at it. Don't grow red flowers next to purple - the two colors don't go that well togehter, you know!

I understand the efforts to make a place more beautiful, advising people to be gracious and courteous but this?? Isn't it taking things a little too far? If someone wants to visit my home, they better come prepared for the colors I like to wear. They better get used to whatever eccentricities I might have - as long as they are not harmful to others or extremely rude. If I like to wear red socks with white trousers and black shoes, so be it. If I like to take a round of my garden in my pajamas and slippers, I will. What kind of visitors will take exception to such things anyway?

There is such a thing as making a place more inviting for visitors. Asking people to behave graciously and courteously can be considered as an effort in that direction. Telling them not to spit and establishing laws against that kind of behaviour will be welcome. Cleaning the streets will make the place more inviting and appealing. But asking residents to change their wardrobe? Is that practical or even necessary? There's hospitality. And then there's pure ridiculosity (Yes that is a word).

Silly Numbers - again

Mitthi Mouse is 9 years and 9 months old today

Accomplishment of the week

I have been working on teaching M this for a long time.

I ask her "Where's the drama queen?", take her hand and pat it on her chest saying "this, this, this".

Two days ago I did this a few times and then put her in the car seat to drop her off at the daycare. While strapping her in I asked her "Where's the drama queen?" and she obliged by patting herself and giving me a big grin.

And once I asked her "You are the drama queen, yes?". She nodded with a big smile. I wish I had a video of the moment.

Last week (or maybe the week before that), Ms. Gina, her care provider at the daycare wrote this in her daily update that we get from the daycare - "... She is truly the queen of the room now." So we are in agreement - doesn't matter that they didn't write the word "drama". They sure think so!

Long overdue book tag

Amuser tagged me a LONG time ago to:

Pick up the nearest book.

Open to page 123.Find the fifth sentence.

Post the next three sentences.

Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you .

I have been reading the Cisco Exam Certification Guide. I thought I'd share the pain with you. These are the three sentences after the fifth sentence on page 123-

For example, consider 130.4.102.1, with mask 255.255.255.0. Because the third octet of the mask is not a 0 or 255, the third octet is where the interesting part of the shortcut takes place. You create a subnet chart, fill in the address and mask, and draw a box around the third octet as shown in Table 4-26.

There are many more such painful sentences in this book. In fact, the whole book is full of them! Truthfully though, this is my favorite chapter in the whole book. I love binary math. I love subnetting exercises. Because I know I can score a 100% in them. I wish the whole exam was based on just IP addressing and subnetting and route summarization :D But I wouldn't have missed NAT or PAT or Frame Relay and ISDN. Specially the latter two. The thing is, I can remember anything indefinitely once I do it. Just reading theory and memorizing is not my strength. That is why I never liked social sciences or literature. I am a "hands-on" gal. And I would definitely like to get my hands on the person who developed the concept of certification exams!

I am not tagging anyone as I am probably the last person doing this tag.

Life's little intricacies - User Manual 1

How to irritate

How to irritate a pre-teen
1. Start or end each sentence with "...(but) you know Pappu naach nai sakta. Bechara..."
2. Start saying it as soon as you pick the said pre-teen up from camp and keep saying it for 3 more hours.
3. When the said pre-teen comes and repeats the same thing to you, say "I know. Bechara Pappu!!" completely ruining the effect of her delivery.

How to irritate a toddler
1. Start weaning her from the bottle.
2. Run after her screaming "pakdo, pakdo, pakdo...".
3. Works especially well if she is tired or hungry.

How to irritate a tired husband
1. Irritate the pre-teen and the toddler, then disappear into the bathroom for half an hour, leaving him to deal with the irritated duo.


**EVIL CACKLE**

What's a few barbs between friends, right?

OK, now I feel like a top order meanie for ranting about my friend's comment regarding my weight :(

I received a reply from her today -

Oops! Look like maine Cee ma’m ka dil dukha diya! Since I saw your picture after M and u were looking terrific the way u used to look in college, I forgot about impact of IVFs,etc. But you are right. Hairs could be a big reason. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve succeeded to reduce my 4 month pregnant tummy to 2 months. I’m working on it to bring it back to size before I had kids but itne samay me jo boya hai usko katne me mahanat+time dono lagta hai. Response is very slow par I’ll keep trying. Umeed par hi to duniya tiki hai!!!!(Wah.Wah!!). My god this juggling is painful. Looks like entire life will go like this. Chalo have some energy and do your best.

This is what I wrote in reply -

Ah! Frankly? I did feel a little bad that you assumed I am doing nothing about my weight. And yes, the IVF was a real bi**h. Went through a whole lot to get this bundle of joy :P I am scared sh**less of needles. And I had to poke myself FOUR times each day for two-three weeks for each IVF cycle. The first time I did it, I broke down and cried - I was so scared :( I developed all sorts of health problems due to the medication too - PUPP, high blood pressure, depression etc. due to all the progesterone and estrogen etc. I am glad the second cycle was successful because I had made the decision to stop the treatment if the second cycle failed.

I have joined a fitness boot camp that has classes three days a week from 5:30 - 6:30 am. And I have replaced one meal with a HUGE salad :P Since I hate salads (for meals, not as side dishes) with all my might, that is something I am immensely proud of :)

I am at a point where I am not happy with my weight but not ashamed of it either. I don't suck in my belly before walking into a room full of people. It is what it is and I know I am working on it. J is a sweetheart and a huge help. He encourages without pressurizing - and that is what works for me. If he had pressurized me, one of us would be dead :D

I am growing my hair so I can donate it to an organization that makes wigs for kids who lose their hair to different medical conditions. For that I need to grow it to about 14 inches. It is about 6 inches long right now. So I have quite a bit of torture in store for me. If you remember, I hate long hair (on me). This idea came because S had lost almost all her hair to Alopecia Areata, but regained it luckily with homeopathy treatment. This is my way of saying thanks for the regained hair.

I am sorry for the "what's your excuse" barb. I know we have such a big struggle ahead of us - all the juggling between work and home and husbands and kids and then we are supposed to keep ourselves healthy too? Can't that come as a reward or something for doing so much?

So that is where we stand now. She is a college time friend and a really good one at that. Maybe I should have shown more understanding and patience? I am confused - I do think I am entitled to these frustrated feelings and I am also a bit ashamed for the knee-jerk reaction. OK - maybe I will find something else to jerk my knee about :) I read this article at Babble.....

Facing my demons

I recently started haunting visiting this site after reading a few articles linked by other bloggers. I liked what I read so I visit this site more often now. Today I read this and it just called out to me. I felt this urge to blog about it and that is strange because it is the most difficult topic for me to discuss at the moment.

I have mentioned my struggles with my weight a few times here. I can no longer take jokes about my weight lightly and get upset at J if he cracks jokes about it. Earlier, when I didn't have a "real" weight problem, it didn't bother me if someone made fun of how "the earth shook when I walked" or how "all oranges in Nagpur fell down from the trees because I jumped down from the train on to the platform in Indore". Yes, now I realize that these jokes were in bad taste even then, but they didn't bother me this much back then. Because I knew they were jokes, not facts.

Recently a friend wrote an email to me after seeing pictures of M's first birthday party. After the first few customary sentences about how pretty the girls were and how nice the house looked, she dropped the bomb. "You have really blown up", she said. She said she knows it is not that easy but I "should make some efforts to get back to normal". It really got my goat. First of all, she doesn't know that I put on a whopping 20+ pounds due to IVF alone. Second, she assumed I am doing nothing about it. And third, she implies I am not "normal" right now. She even had the gall to mention that even though she is not exactly slim and trim "par kahne me kya jaata hai?". Means because she is a bit lighter than me, she can give me any advice? Without going into the details of how and why? I don't know what a correct way of broaching this subject with a friend would be. Or IF there is one. But she could have politely enquired before offering advice.

I wrote back to her saying "As for blowing up, I have had multiple IUIs, two IVFs and a baby in the last two years. What is your excuse?". I think it might hurt her feelings. I hope it does. I am tired of being polite to insensitive people. Of explaining why I didn't breastfeed, why I went in for IVF, why I tried so hard for a second baby, why I couldn't have a normal delivery, why - even though I am obviously so fat - couldn't I breastfeed my daughter (this was back when I had S).... I am tired. And now I don't care if my answer hurts you or leaves you dissatisfied or dumbfounded. You know what? None of your effing business!

So this article that I have linked to, talks about how we pass on our weight issues to our kids. It is true. Not only about weight issues, but also about other health issues. A friend, whose husband is severely diabetic, watches her sons' diets closely - more closely than necessary. They are active, healthy kids. But only she can understand the terror she must have felt when her husband was first diagnosed with diabetes during her first pregnancy. So yes - the health issues that we face do affect how we deal with them in front of, or in context of, our children.

Recently, during the "confession bouts" that S was suffering from, she admitted that she feels embarrassed about my weight. Ashamed is a more correct word. I can't explain how that hit me in the gut. I could hardly speak. I couldn't even be upset at her. I didn't want to saddle her with my sob stories about the IVF and the stress and other things. But I wanted her to understand I was not sitting on my hands, doing nothing about my weight. I wanted her to understand that there is a healthy way to lose weight and an unhealthy way too. I wanted to get it across to her that no matter what weight I was at, I was still the same person inside. How do I get all this across to a 9 year old who was already hugely guilt ridden about this sentiment of hers? I didn't. I do intend to bring it up in conversations every now and then. I have already started doing so.

I have to admit I have, on more than one occasion, wondered about taking the easy route to losing weight - eat what I want and then chuck it all out in the bathroom. Believe me, at my weight, when I am worrying about diabetes, heart disease, cancer and early death, this thought is very easy to come across. And very tempting. But thankfully, MY mom drummed more sense into me regarding this than most moms in her times did. Thanks to her, I have understood from an early age, how important it is to get proper nutrition and to lose weight by exercising and not by starving. I remember the many conversations she had with me over this topic. Never judging or dictating - just listing facts, explaining concepts. I hope to pass on the same knowledge to my daughter. I just hope that I can make as lasting an impression on her as my mom did on me.

One thing is for sure - even though I am not happy with the weight I am at, I am not ashamed of it. For the first time in my life, I have stopped sucking in my belly before walking into a room full of people. I know I am making efforts. I know how tough it is to fit in exercise - specially with the kind of routine and lives we have. But I know I am doing something. I have even made peace with the fact that I might develop diabetes if I don't lose weight in time. You know what? If that happens, unfortunate as it might be, I will deal with it. I will manage it. In the meantime, I am making healthy efforts and am sure I will get there someday.

These days I worry about our upcoming (planned) trip to India. I try to imagine what different frinds and relatives will say to me about my weight. I am dreading our trip for that reason. I am preparing "comebacks". I know it will be mentioned how J and his brother don't ever get "fat" while the two DILs have piled on kilos. I had relatives asking me during my pregnancy how "fat" I'd become. Not "how much weight I'd put on" (not that THAT was any of their business either) but how FAT I had become. I have friends asking me "how much do you weigh now?" when we call them to wish them a happy diwali/holi/birthday/whatever. I really don't understand this excessive obsession Indians have with other people's weight. Here, every time I mention my frustration regarding my weight, my American colleagues reassure me that I will get to a healthy weight in time and not to lose sight of the fact that I did just deliver a baby. I wonder why no one in my family or friend circle realilzes that? I could use a little more support.

Well, I do have support. J fully supports and encourages me. He provides encouragement, not pressure. I am lucky to have that. Some women don't even have that. I have seen men pushing their wives to diet or berate them for their weight. Not J. I don't think I could deal with that. I think God gives us only what we can deal with. In my case I got a husband who understands and respects me. God knows I wouldn't have tolerated a man who didn't.

Update on Tough times never last

So, after having sufficiently freaked out people with my previous post, with what S said and what my job situation looks like, I decided to take a break from blogging. Well, not "decided" as such - a break was forced upon me. By circumstances and my busy schedule.

Anyhoo. I decided I owed all the wonderful people, who left me comments and who called/emailed me after reading the previous post, an update.

S is not grounded any more. After reading Vinita and Dotthought's comments, I forwarded them to my husband and we decided to go with Vinita's suggestion and imposed a "30 minute violin practice" consequence on her. Anon's (n!) comment also helped me put things in perspective from S' side. So the practice requirement was not conveyed as a punishment but more as the consequence she needed to face for her action, along with lots of reassurances that we were/are not upset with her. And I am taking a day off on Monday to spend with her as per Desigirl's suggestion. Will take her out to the movies and lunch.

S and I have been writing in the journal (almost) regularly. Both of us look forward for the other to write in it. I even catch myself thinking of something from my childhood to put in there. She is getting an idea that all kids behave the way she did sometime or the other. I have explained to her that the most important part is what you do after you realize you made a mistake. If, after making a mistake, you keep repeating it, you are no better off than when you made the mistake the first time. But if you rectify your mistake and make sure not to repeat it, you have learned something from it. She still sometimes tells me she feels bad about it and every time I remind her "It happened, it is in the past, done and over with". I think that kind of reassures her.

As for "feel like killing myself" bit - a huge reassurance came to me from my mother in the form of an email. She wrote this -

I came to know about Mitthi's disappointment through your blog. Seems that she is going through some hormonal changes which are responsible for such feelings .Its a transitory phase and will be over soon ,but she needs special attention from both of you at present which you are providing without any dearth.I remember when you were the same age once in the night when i was lying besides you and talking to you affectionately you suddenly told me "mummy some times i feel like jumping in front of a car when i go to school '.And how worried i felt inside need not mention. But instantly i caressed you ,and made you realize that this act of your will shatter me and if you feel like this again pl. think of your ma and pa who won't and can't live without you .And after that i kept a secret watch on you and expressed my love and concern frequently.Afterwards you never uttered or felt like doing it again. This is an experience of a mother who so strongly loves her kids !Your careful handling of the situation will definitely lessen Mitthi's tensions .

So peeps, it runs in the family! The girls in this family are over-dramatic and will go to any lengths to get their parents' attention :D

Tough times never last,...

...tough people do. I have always believed in that. But boy! This business of being tough people is not easy! The past few weeks (or has it been a month already?) have been tough in various ways at various times. I was sick. Very. Then I had to study for an exam. Which I couldn't. Flunked the exam. Not blaming anyone/anything for it. Not making any excuses either. Flunking the exam didn't make or break anything for me - it was a re-certification and I still have time. I am confident I can do it. Will reschedule the exam and this time I will definitely pass it. Or, I promise you, I won't write about flunking it ;)

A couple of weeks ago I learned that my company is probably preparing to lay me off/ fire me along with a few others. I think it is a business/financial reason. I am the kind of person who "hopes for the best and prepares for the worst". So this particular revelation has only helped me. I am not broken-hearted upon learning it though, truthfully, I was pissed in the beginning. I don't believe in doing the kind of petty things one of my former bosses did - he deleted a lot of information regarding his work from the company network before leaving. I don't think it caused any serious damage though it did cause major inconveniences. He left without telling us some major passwords and the company had to shell out some dough (and waste precious time) in getting those passwords reset. I am not that kind of person. So I am not deleting anything I have worked on. But this has left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I have had certain major issues but I have always refrained from blogging about them and will do the same even now. Moving on!

S has been having some emotional issues. Or, I should say, her emotional issues have been emerging lately. Turns out she did experience some sibling rivalry. Her way to get back at the baby? She mixed some regular Vicks Vaporub with the baby's. I and J had a good laugh at it :P For about 3 weeks now, she has been telling me "bad" things she has been doing. Like *GASP* not brushing her teeth properly! Or, eating some candy on the sly. She even didn't wash her hands after going to the bathroom a few times!! Frankly, I found most of her confessions funny. And I felt RELIEF!! Yes, I am not kidding. All these years I have been beating myself up that I have straitjacketed my daughter in rules so tightly that she has forgotten how to behave like a kid. Turns out she didn't. Only, she didn't tell us that she was being a kid :D But I do discuss every "confession" with her to see if she understands why she was required to do/ not do certain things in the first place. And then I let it go with "It's OK. It's done. It's in the past now".

One confession that did get her grounded (with suitable explanations which were completely understood by her) was that she had skipped most of her strings lessons at school to go to the gym. J and I had two issues with it. One - we pay FOUR frickin' HUNDRED dollars a year to rent that violin for her and if she isn't even using it, that's money down the drain. Two (more important) - it is a safety issue. Say, she skips strings class to go to the gym. Strings teacher thinks she isn't in the school. Gym teacher isn't expecting her in the gym. The school catches fire and needs to be evacuated. Will someone miss her and look for her? I know it is a far fetched reason, but please refer to the "hope for the best and prepare for the worst" statement above. So, she has been grounded with "no media, no play dates" for 2 weeks. Media includes TV (of course!), videos, DVDs/CD's, video games and Wii. She cannot fill the time left open by lack of media with books. She has to help around the house during that time. You can send her sympathies for the double-meanie parents she has and I promise I will convey the sympathies to her :D

Now, S says she is extremely sad. All these confessions have made her realize what a terrible kid she is (her words, not mine). Three nights ago she said she sometimes felt like killing herself - she feels that bad. Said she feels like going into the kitchen and stabbing herself with a knife. That wrenched my gut. And stabbed my heart with fear. I don't want to overreact, but I don't want to take it lightly either. I am thinking of talking to her doctor but am afraid of setting off some unnecessary alarm bells in the doctor's head. I asked S if I quit my job and stay at home and spend more time with her, would that make her feel better? She said my job is NOT the issue (again, her words, not mine). J and I are trying to get it across to her that all that she has done is not really terrible. It is just normal stuff that normal kids do. Any other ideas?

I have also borrowed an idea from her fourth grade teacher and implemented it. I have started a "Talk back Journal" with S in which we write letters to each other about random things. S' fourth grade teacher did that with all her students and I saw that those letters allowed kids to express feelings/thoughts that they were normally hesitant in expressing. We have each written about 2 letters to the other by now. In one of my letters I mentioned one goofy thing I did in my younger days. My intention was to tell her that ALL kids do it. I intend to write about a few other things I did that she might identify with. I and J have been continuously telling her that the mere fact that she came to us and owned up to all this has made us proud of her. How many kids do we know who would do something wrong and then go and fess up with their parents? None. Except her. It is a delicate balance we have to keep here - make her understand that all this is not as terrible as she thinks it is, and yet not to make her think that doing all this is OK as all kids do it. The rules were created for some reason, you know.

This, combined with the tension at work, is draining me out. To top it off, I have joined a fitness boot camp. Classes are form 5:30 to 6:30 AM, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. First class was yesterday. I have to wake up at 4:45 am now, to be able to get to the class by 5:20 am. Which means I have to get in bed by 9:30-10 pm. Which is almost impossible given that I get back home by 7 pm, spend some time with the girls (outdoors if the weather is nice, indoors otherwise), cook dinner, feed M (S eats by herself), give M her night-time bottle and put her to bed after J bathes her (J would do it gladly but I want that time with her), help S wash her hair if need be, put S to bed, eat dinner, pack lunches for next day and clean up and get a set of clothes ready for the next day. Doing all this in a short period of two and a half hours? Seems impossible. But I hope to pull it off - with some heavy duty help from J.

So, this is what has kept me from blogging for the past so many weeks. I know I have to write a "One Year" post, and one on the budday party, and another one is lined up about some gems from S. A lot to do. No time to do it :(