Facing my demons

I recently started haunting visiting this site after reading a few articles linked by other bloggers. I liked what I read so I visit this site more often now. Today I read this and it just called out to me. I felt this urge to blog about it and that is strange because it is the most difficult topic for me to discuss at the moment.

I have mentioned my struggles with my weight a few times here. I can no longer take jokes about my weight lightly and get upset at J if he cracks jokes about it. Earlier, when I didn't have a "real" weight problem, it didn't bother me if someone made fun of how "the earth shook when I walked" or how "all oranges in Nagpur fell down from the trees because I jumped down from the train on to the platform in Indore". Yes, now I realize that these jokes were in bad taste even then, but they didn't bother me this much back then. Because I knew they were jokes, not facts.

Recently a friend wrote an email to me after seeing pictures of M's first birthday party. After the first few customary sentences about how pretty the girls were and how nice the house looked, she dropped the bomb. "You have really blown up", she said. She said she knows it is not that easy but I "should make some efforts to get back to normal". It really got my goat. First of all, she doesn't know that I put on a whopping 20+ pounds due to IVF alone. Second, she assumed I am doing nothing about it. And third, she implies I am not "normal" right now. She even had the gall to mention that even though she is not exactly slim and trim "par kahne me kya jaata hai?". Means because she is a bit lighter than me, she can give me any advice? Without going into the details of how and why? I don't know what a correct way of broaching this subject with a friend would be. Or IF there is one. But she could have politely enquired before offering advice.

I wrote back to her saying "As for blowing up, I have had multiple IUIs, two IVFs and a baby in the last two years. What is your excuse?". I think it might hurt her feelings. I hope it does. I am tired of being polite to insensitive people. Of explaining why I didn't breastfeed, why I went in for IVF, why I tried so hard for a second baby, why I couldn't have a normal delivery, why - even though I am obviously so fat - couldn't I breastfeed my daughter (this was back when I had S).... I am tired. And now I don't care if my answer hurts you or leaves you dissatisfied or dumbfounded. You know what? None of your effing business!

So this article that I have linked to, talks about how we pass on our weight issues to our kids. It is true. Not only about weight issues, but also about other health issues. A friend, whose husband is severely diabetic, watches her sons' diets closely - more closely than necessary. They are active, healthy kids. But only she can understand the terror she must have felt when her husband was first diagnosed with diabetes during her first pregnancy. So yes - the health issues that we face do affect how we deal with them in front of, or in context of, our children.

Recently, during the "confession bouts" that S was suffering from, she admitted that she feels embarrassed about my weight. Ashamed is a more correct word. I can't explain how that hit me in the gut. I could hardly speak. I couldn't even be upset at her. I didn't want to saddle her with my sob stories about the IVF and the stress and other things. But I wanted her to understand I was not sitting on my hands, doing nothing about my weight. I wanted her to understand that there is a healthy way to lose weight and an unhealthy way too. I wanted to get it across to her that no matter what weight I was at, I was still the same person inside. How do I get all this across to a 9 year old who was already hugely guilt ridden about this sentiment of hers? I didn't. I do intend to bring it up in conversations every now and then. I have already started doing so.

I have to admit I have, on more than one occasion, wondered about taking the easy route to losing weight - eat what I want and then chuck it all out in the bathroom. Believe me, at my weight, when I am worrying about diabetes, heart disease, cancer and early death, this thought is very easy to come across. And very tempting. But thankfully, MY mom drummed more sense into me regarding this than most moms in her times did. Thanks to her, I have understood from an early age, how important it is to get proper nutrition and to lose weight by exercising and not by starving. I remember the many conversations she had with me over this topic. Never judging or dictating - just listing facts, explaining concepts. I hope to pass on the same knowledge to my daughter. I just hope that I can make as lasting an impression on her as my mom did on me.

One thing is for sure - even though I am not happy with the weight I am at, I am not ashamed of it. For the first time in my life, I have stopped sucking in my belly before walking into a room full of people. I know I am making efforts. I know how tough it is to fit in exercise - specially with the kind of routine and lives we have. But I know I am doing something. I have even made peace with the fact that I might develop diabetes if I don't lose weight in time. You know what? If that happens, unfortunate as it might be, I will deal with it. I will manage it. In the meantime, I am making healthy efforts and am sure I will get there someday.

These days I worry about our upcoming (planned) trip to India. I try to imagine what different frinds and relatives will say to me about my weight. I am dreading our trip for that reason. I am preparing "comebacks". I know it will be mentioned how J and his brother don't ever get "fat" while the two DILs have piled on kilos. I had relatives asking me during my pregnancy how "fat" I'd become. Not "how much weight I'd put on" (not that THAT was any of their business either) but how FAT I had become. I have friends asking me "how much do you weigh now?" when we call them to wish them a happy diwali/holi/birthday/whatever. I really don't understand this excessive obsession Indians have with other people's weight. Here, every time I mention my frustration regarding my weight, my American colleagues reassure me that I will get to a healthy weight in time and not to lose sight of the fact that I did just deliver a baby. I wonder why no one in my family or friend circle realilzes that? I could use a little more support.

Well, I do have support. J fully supports and encourages me. He provides encouragement, not pressure. I am lucky to have that. Some women don't even have that. I have seen men pushing their wives to diet or berate them for their weight. Not J. I don't think I could deal with that. I think God gives us only what we can deal with. In my case I got a husband who understands and respects me. God knows I wouldn't have tolerated a man who didn't.