What do you do if

the best friend you want to share everything with IS the same friend you are throwing a surprise birthday party for? I have been DYING to share this with my best friend. I'll blog about it instead.

J turns 40 tomorrow, April 11th. I have planned a surprise party for him with a few close friends. Nothing too elaborate - just how he'd like it (I hope!) - 5 close friends and their families, all his favorite food, a few decorations, a cake and a lot of fun and laughter. Oh, and I am gifting him a "flight experience" - half an hour in a private plane. The pilot might even agree to fly the plane over our house (says so on their website :P) By the time this post gets published, we will be in the thick of it - the party, I mean.

To get him out of the house, so I can prepare for the party, I am gifting him two movie tickets to "Fast and Furious". I have enlisted help from a friend of his who will pick him up, take him to the movies and then for happy hour in a nearby bar and then bring him home when everyone has arrived. There the surprise will register and end pretty quickly because he is bound to figure everything out when he sees all those cars in our driveway. But it should be an interesting moment :)

The menu comprises of dishes he likes. Falafel, chholey tikiya, papdi chaat, dahi bade, daal kachori, matar (peas) samosas, shrikhand and baklava. Falalfel and baklava have been ordered from a restaurant he likes them from. Everything else will be made by yours truly. Well, except the cake. That responsibility has been handed over to another good friend who will order it from a bakery in NJ. A very haphazard menu but I hope he'll like it. I asked him what his favorite chaat items are and he thinks I am going to make them for him on his birthday for LUNCH! I have asked him to take us out for dinner :D I hope he doesn't know about the surprise and isn't just playing me along.

Well, I'll post an update on how it all goes. Till then, wish me luck!!

Update: It is 12.38 AM on April 11th. I have already gifted him the movie tickets and told him this is so he can get 2 hours without the three bhootnis who constantly badger him in this house :D I have told him that I am preparing so much food because I want to make his favorite food items ALL WEEK LONG. I don't know if he bought it. He did laugh and say "I'll see if it goes beyond 2 days" (That's because I am "famous" for changing the weekly menu umpteen times at the drop of a hat..... Well many hats)

More thoughts out loud

I wrote a post about a month back, about how I would be disappointed if S decided to go into a non-technical field professionally. It was more about my struggle with my preconceived notions than a comment on a particular field of profession. I got some interesting comments that served to widen my perspective but I got distracted by the Learning Disabilities posts and couldn't reply to these comments in time. So I decided to devote a post to these comments. I am extremely sorry for the delay in replying. Maybe you guys weren't expecting any (given my lax behavior in the past) but not being able to reply to comments always nags on my mind. My replies are in italics.

asaaan said...

I dont really care what she does in school as long she doesnt get married till she is in her(at least) late twenties.
Is that bad of me to want her to not be like me(didnt finish college, married at 20,first child at 22.)

Ohh I didnt know you had to chose electives in middle school. Ashwina will be going to 5th this fall and middle school fall 10.

Me: I don't know about it being bad (of you to want her to be not like you) but I think that isn't actually what you want. All you want is for her to not make the mistakes you made. And I am not saying here that you made mistakes - you do love your life the way it is now, don't you? Maybe you think she should make different choices because the choices you made wouldn't be right for her?

I didn't know about the elective either. This was new for us.

the mad momma said...

i understand. i'd be terribly disappointed if my kids were scienceys. i am very artisitic and you love to know that they share that link with you. would i deal with it? totally. its my prob, not theirs.

Me: Glad to have you on this side then! Yeah - I'd deal with it and not burden them with it.

roop said...

u got urself corrected towards the end. so no brickbats!! :P

u'll make the right decision when it's time. we have full faith in you. :)

Me: Thanks for the vote of confidence Roop :) And thanks for not throwing those brickbats too!

Subhashree said...

Yeah, I wouldn't mind if my kids chose whatever profession they want. But if it is in the same line as the husband and I am in, it'd be easier to guide them. Well, I don't even know if they'd want any guidance, but still I'd like to be prepared.

Me: Yeah - it isn't even about guidance I think. Is it probably the thought that by following in your field they are validating your choice of profession? Though why would I be looking for validation for my choice of profession in my children's actions is beyond me :P I think I am muddled in my mind. Don't really know why I would want her to be a techie. I just would!

dipali said...

What a sensible mother you are, Cee. We just muddled through, I think!

Me: Sensible?? I haven't heard the words "sensible" and "Cee" in the same sentence Dipali. Ever!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. I agree with tearsanddreams. I think its a very subtle distinction (being disappointed in her because you think its an inferior option and being disappointed because you lose a link to her). The danger is that your daughter may pick up on the disappointment and not on the reasons behind the disappointment, which as I said are very nuanced. And being well-behaved, one danger is that she may be very very subtly pushed into choosing a technology/science career which would make her happy but not terrifically happy.

otoh, I'm sure you've got it all sorted out and its good that you can see those differences and acknowledge them.

And I'm not sure I'd want to guide my daughter in a particular career, but I'd like to guide her about HOW to choose good work that would interest and excite her.

n!

Me: Maybe you are right. But I like to think that the communication between her and me is clear enough for me to be able to make her understand that I will stand by, and fully support, her choice of profession.

lumi said...

Each child is imbued with his or her own set of talents even though they were knit from our DNA. The beauty of education in America is that you can study and be whatever you want to be and don't have to have a predetermined idea of what it is you want to do in school before you get there.

Encourage your daughter to take as many different kinds of classes as possible. Obviously there is a need to have a solid foundation in math, science, and writing. The balance of her courses should be left up to her. There's nothing wrong with being a non-technically oriented professional. If she has a passion and talent to do something it should be cultivated.

Mini-me is a budding environmentalist but has a gifted eye behind the camera, plays the violin with joy, and could out draw me by the time she was five. I'm proud of her for pursuing her interests and talents.

Me: Yes, that is exactly what we did (encourage her to take varied classes). She has elected Arts and Dance as the first and third electives. Technology is second but J or I didn't force her to do that. She liked the content: Graphic designing, publishing, animation etc. We did discuss her reasons for selecting each elective. As for encouraging her non-technical interests - we do that. She plays the violin, loves painting and creating comics, also plays the piano pretty darned well and is taking gymnastics and tennis lessons :) Didn't like being on the swim team so we took her off - no hassles. So she KNOWS we will respect her wishes. By the way, I LOVE the American education system for the reasons you mentioned. I love the flexibility it gives one. I love how you don't get rigidly slotted into a field (arts, commerce or science) the moment you enter 11th grade. I love how you can still go into any field irrespective of the subjects you study in high school. Wish we had that when we were in shcool.

General Note: I never said there was anything wrong with being a non-technically oriented person. I would encourage her in any profession she took up sincerely. I was just talking about my own feelings. I do understand about kids picking up on our unspoken disappointment but I am trying to avoid that with open communication. At least, if she feels I am disappointed about something, she will come and ask me why. I am sure of that. I think! :P

Seventeen years??!

Happy anniversary, darling!

Sheepishly added: It is the anniversary of J proposing to me :P Not an "anniversary" anniversary. But we do celebrate it. With a hug and a kiss :)

Added later: And apparently with a bunch of roses! J just walked in with a dozen roses!!!

Being an advocate for your child

Kiran of KarmicKids came up with the idea ofdedicating March as a "Learning Disabilities Month" in our little corner of the blogworld. I already wrote about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), how it is related to Learning Disabilities and how it is different from them. This post is on how we can help our kids by being their advocates.

Disclaimer: I have put together these posts with help of online research. I am NOT an expert on the matter. These are just my personal views. If you have any concerns that your child might have a learning disorder, please voice them to your child's doctor immediately.

When S was little, she had run ins with a few kids who would bully her. I was too timid at that time to correct the bullies because I thought disciplining other people's kids was not my job or my place. And I sincerely believed that all parents wanted their kids to behave well and so they would stop their kids from bullying others. What a fool I was!! Over time, and with experience, I have learned that is not always the case. I have to discipline other people's kids if they hurt my child and if their own parents are turning a blind eye. I owe it to my kids. If I won't protect them, then who would? And not all parents are as obsessed with good behavior as I am.

I have had a few arguments over this topic with a few friends. One says it is her job to step in to negotiate/manage a situation whenever her child is being bullied/picked on. A few others say they totally believe in teaching their kid to hit back when he/she is bullied. Now I don't agree with any of them. I don't disagree completely either. It is my job to step in until my child is old enough to learn to stand up for herself. And it is my job to help my child learn how to resolve such situations without being mean or nasty. That, I think, is a good life skill to have. And I definitely think every child should know self-defence for extreme situations. I certainly do not think it is appropriate of me to tell my child to hit back everytime she is hit or bulllied. I think that should be reserved for when everything else fails.

I have learned one thing as a mom. That a parent is the only advocate a child has. Everywhere. On the playground. At a party where another kid is subtly picking up on her and the parents of that kid are studiously ignoring their child's behavior. At school.

All of us know that if our child is ever diagnosed to have learning disabilities, he/she will need our staunch support to get through school. All the support we can give him/her, all our understanding and love. All our patience. All our courage - in defending him from well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning teachers. And surprising as it may sound, even if our kid is among the top five in the class, he/she still needs us to be their advocate. I learned that the hard way. And I mean to share my experience here just in case it might help someone else. I will also share a few resources about being an advocate for a child with learning disabilities.

S has always been good at academics. We have always gotten glowing reviews from her teachers, right from pre-school. She has always been ahead of her grade level in reading, writing and math. So one would think that a teacher would recognize that intelligence and recommend her for an advanced program if she qualified, right? Wrong! S' school has an Academically Talented program for kids who are ahead of the rest of the class. I always thought she would get recommended if she was good enough for the program and if she didn't that would mean she doesn't really qualify. That is why I never really worried that she never got a recommendation. But in fourth grade, her teacher raved about how S should be in the AT program and how she didn't understand why she wasn't in it when so many other kids who were, didn't really deserve to be in there. She assured us that she will recommend S when the time came. The time came and went. I assumed in good faith that the teacher will keep her word. She didn't. Then, very conveniently, shrugged it off saying "The deadline is gone". That is when I realized that even if my child is a 120% eligible for something I cannot depend on someone else to help her get it unless I become her vocal and alert advocate. I mean, why would the teacher go out of her way and create more paperwork for herself by recommending a child whose parent doesn't bother to hound her? That was a big lesson learnt. I am sure M is going to benefit more because by the time she gets to kindergarten I will be a pro at this advocacy thing :P

A child with learning disabilities needs an advocate more than anyone else. Teachers and caretakers would just as easily recommend the child be pumped full of drugs to make him/her more manageable instead of putting in time and effort to manage his behavior. I am sorry for this harsh judgment because I know there are still many dedicated teachers and caretakers out there who wouldn't take this route. But it is because of those who take the easy way out instead of working with the child that I have formed this opinion.

As this article mentions it isn't always with malicious reasons that your child may be deprived of the help and support he/she needs. It may be because there aren't enough resources or maybe he/she fell through the cracks because the teacher was overwhelmed with other high-maintenance kids. We have to make sure that our child gets the help he/she needs when it is required. No matter how many times we have to send that reminder, no matter that we have to make a pest of ourselves in front of school administration by insisting our child be evaluated/helped a zillion times, no matter what else.

Another thing I have learnt in the past few years is assertiveness. Assertiveness is a quality one needs in HUGE doses to be an advocate to one's kids. Again, I learnt this from personal experience. Here is an article that talks about how to be assertive. I think this can help ANYBODY, whether or not they have children with LDs. Assertiveness is a good quality to have in any situation.

And finally, here is another article that talks about why we need to be advocates for our kids and how we can do it.

ADHD and Learning Disabilities

Kiran of KarmicKids came up with the idea of dedicating March as a "Learning Disabilities Month" in our little corner of the blogworld. I am writing about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), how it is related to Learning Disabilities and how it is different from them.

Disclaimer: I have put together this post with help of online research. I am NOT an expert on the matter. These are just my personal views. If you have any concerns that your child might have a learning disorder, please voice them to your child's doctor immediately.

ADHD: What is it?

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) is the name of a group of behaviors found in many children and adults. Kids and adults who have ADHD have trouble paying attention to anything they do and are more impulsive and/or active for what is usual for their age.

ADHD is characterized by presence of one, two or all three groups of behaviors - inattention, hyperactivity and impulsiveness. Based on the symptoms that a child shows, his/her ADHD can be categorized into

1. ADHD, Inattentive type,

2. ADHD, Hyperactive-Impulsive type and

3. ADHD, Combined Type. According to the Learning Disabilities Association of America following are the symptoms and signs of ADHD, and also strategies to help children with ADHD:

Symptoms and signs

1. Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes
2. May have poorly formed letters or words or messy writing
3. Has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
4. Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork or chores
5. Avoids or strongly dislikes tasks (such as schoolwork) that require sustained mental effort
6. Forgetful in daily activities
7. Has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
8. Loses things necessary for tasks or activities (pencils, assignments, tools)
9. Shows difficulty engaging in leisure activities quietly
10. Acts as if “driven by a motor” and cannot remain still
11. Blurts out answers to questions before the questions have been completed, often interrupts others

Strategies

1. Allow a child to change work sites frequently while completing homework or studying
2. Assign tasks involving movement such as passing out papers, running errands, watering plants
3. Use music as a tool for transitioning, song = task
4. Vary tone of voice: loud, soft, whisper
5. Stage assignments and divide work into smaller chunks with frequent breaks
6. Teach students to verbalize a plan before solving problems or undertaking a task
7. Permit a child to do something with hands while engaged in sustained listening: stress ball, worry stone, paper folding, clay
8. Use inconspicuous methods such as a physical cue to signal a child when she or he tunes out
9. Provide opportunities for student to show divergent, creative, imaginary thinking and get peer recognition for originality
10. Employ multi-sensory strategies when directions are given and lessons presented

Another site I recommend for getting more information about ADHD is FamilyDoctor. According to this site, here are the strategies to help a child who has ADHD:

1. Make a schedule.
2. Make simple house rules.
3. Make sure your directions are understood.
4. Reward good behavior.
   
5. Make sure your child is supervised all the time.
6. Watch your child around his or her friends.
7. Set a homework routine.
8. Focus on efforts, not grades.
9. Talk with your child's teachers.
   

Come to think of it, these strategies will help ANY child, won't they? Please visit the above link to see the detailed description of these points. It is easy to confuse ADHD symptoms with the normal childhood behavior. Many children are hyperactive, younger children typically have a shorter attention span and not to act on an impulse is sometimes a learned habit instead of being an inborn trait. So the mere presence of these symptoms is not an indication of ADHD. There are some other criteria for confirming a diagnosis of ADHD, which include (but may not be limited to) the following:

1. The symptoms have been present for at least six months,
   



2. They began before the child was 7 years old, and
   



3. They are causing an impairment in more than one setting, like both at home and in school.
   

Though it is natural for a parent to worry, but in this case dagnosis is best left to a professional. ADHD is NOT a learning disability but it can cause learning problems in a child. It is very important to get a proper diagnosis AND to understand how it can affect a child's learning process.

How is ADHD different from Learning disabilities?

A common misconception about ADHD is that it is a learning disability. The confusion occurs because ADHD can affect learning and as many as 30% of people suffering from ADHD also have a learning disability. There is, however, a difference. A student with a learning disability will be deficient in one or two areas while performing at or above average in other areas. ADHD, on the other hand, affects learning globally and affects all cognitive functions instead of just one or two. A student with ADHD should always be tested for learning disabilities because an undiagnosed learning disability can mimic the symptoms of ADHD. During my research on this I realized there is TONS of material out there. My post is in NO WAY comprehensive on the topic. In fact, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of it. It is aimed at merely creating an awareness. To find more information on it, ask your child's doctor AND Mr. Google. Here are links to the websites I took help from in compiling this post:

Learning Disabilities Association of America
Wikipedia
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
National Institute of Mental Health

Family Doctor


Here are the other posts on this topic around the blogworld -


Kiran wrote how parents can help their child if he/she has Learning Disabilities.


Tharini has written on the different types of Learning disabilities.

Lak wrote about learning disabilities and their impact on a child's self-esteem.

Priya has written about her daughter's struggles with speech and language delay.


Girl Next Door has written about how to treat/manage Learning Disabilities.

That's all it takes

To err is human. To forgive, divine. To realize that one made a mistake and make amends - mature.

Gaurav Chopra apologized for his behavior. With chocolates. It takes guts to do so in person when one has the means to send the chocolates and a note with a courier. That it was delivered in person, makes me believe it was sincere. Good job, man!

Am I alone in feeling this way?

We attended a Holi cultural program on March 14th. It was organized by the Hindu Cultural Center of Connecticut. S had participated in a dance so we were extra eager to attend and see her performance. The performances were wonderful - all participants had put in a great deal of effort and time in preparing their presentations. And for a few hours we felt connected to the land that we had left when we came to the US to set up a new life for us here. M enjoyed all the dance performances and booed at the show presenters when they talked too much before introducing the next item :) Just one thing grated on my nerves real bad.

There were two sets of show presenters. One set comprised of two college going kids - a girl and a boy. I don't know if they were trying to be witty or if they were just annoying, but some incidents and jokes they narrated during the show left a poor taste in my mouth. The girl ranted about Indians being clubbed with all "Asians" and how we Indians are NOT Asians but only Indians and how someone should somehow just pluck India out of Asia and put it somewhere to be a continent by itself. Then she rambled on saying parents should go home tonight and teach there kids that India is NOT in Asia and those kids should go to school next day and tell their teachers that India is not in Asia. I think she was trying to be funny but she failed to tickle my funny bone. Heck she even failed to intrigue my mind enough to think hard on it. I just felt embarrassed and hoped there weren't any "other" Asians watching the show because then they might think that ALL Indian parents teach their kids this kind of narrow-range thinking.

The boy went a step further. He told a joke. A joke that made fun of India and the corruption in India. I agree we all tell those jokes. We forward them to our entire contact list in Gmail and even repeat them at parties. But to make fun of India in front of an audience who is there to celebrate an Indian festival? It felt like betrayal. VERY poor taste. I think there is a time and a place for everything and this was neither the time nor the place for such juvenile jokes.

I also think the organizers of the show should have asked the show presenters for a script of their speech before the function and made sure everything in there was appropriate to the occasion. But what I can't get over is that many people in the audience cheered when these bad jokes were made. Don't we have any pride left now? I know we are all fed up of the corruption in India and of the politicians who, instead of leading the nation, are pulling it back into the stone age. But we are still proud of our country, right? I mean all these things - corruption, power cuts, political games, poverty - they can all be conquered if we put our minds and hearts to it. And while we try to fix things bit by bit, we are still proud of our country. Aren't we?

Am I the only one feeling this way? Or are there others who would have identified with my feelings of outrage, embarrassment and betrayal had they been there?

Thinking out loud

Today, while talking to a friend about the electives that S has chosen for middle school, I said something I am sure she didn't understand. We argued briefly over it then gave up and decided to enjoy the rest of the limited time we had to chat with each other. But what I said is still going around in my head and I am sure I won't be at peace until I put it down somewhere. So, here goes....

I said I will be very disappointed if my daughter chooses arts as a career. Yep. I said that. And now I will wait for the brickbats.

While I don't think I owe any explanation to anyone for my opinion on this matter - except to S, I began thinking of my reasons. The only reason I could think of is that I am a technology-oriented and artistically challenged individual. I understand technology better. I understand the career options in technology better. If my daughter chose something that I couldn't understand or help her with... well that IS the heart of the matter, isn't it? We want to be important in our children's lives. We want to be able to "help" them with the major decisions in their lives. And we want a connection with them through our choices in life. My parents wanted me to opt for science because they were both science/engineering teachers and of course, opting for science meant you were intelligent. I don't subscribe to the latter belief myself - I am just saying how it was then.

But what I think does not matter at all. That is what my friend didn't understand. My opinion doesn't count because it is my daughter's life, hence it should be her decision. I strongly believe in parents letting their children make their own decisions. And as I am learning on this road of parenting, sometimes you even have to let your kids make wrong decisions just so they can learn from them. You have to put your confidence in them, in your own parenting. You have to believe that the foundation of values and ethics that you gave them in their childhood is strong enough to help them make sound decisions later in life. You can and should guide them, but you have to leave the final decision up to them. I certainly DO NOT mean that choosing a career in art would be a wrong decision. I am just saying what MY philosophy about parenting is - let your kids make their own decisions, let them make mistakes, and if they do make mistakes then stand by them without judging them and help them learn from their mistakes and rectify them, if possible. That is all we CAN do as parents. I have seen way too many lives ruined by well-meaning parents interfering in their children's decisions.

So while I would very much like it that S goes into a technology or science related field, if she chooses otherwise, I will still wholeheartedly support her. Yes, I'd be disappointed but NOT because I'd think her choice is inferior. Just because as a parent I'd like that extra link with her. And I won't be disappointed in her. I will try and educate myself more about her choices and maybe that will help me understand and accept them better. Maybe I'll grow up a little more by then and her career choice wouldn't affect me at all - one sure can live in hope.

Belated Thanks

Last Thanksgiving was bleak for me. No. It was beyond bleak. It was the deepest, darkest time I have ever had in my life. I still celebrated Thanksgiving with friends like I do every year. I felt that was the exact antidote for my grief. I could cope with my tremendous loss with the help of the warmth from good friends and lovely memories. The Thanksgiving before that, Ma and Pa were with us. So this one was bittersweet - bitter from the loss and sweet with the memories.

I have been meaning to write this post since then. I ALWAYS give thanks. And I feel the true test of that would be to see if I could find something to be thankful about in such bleak times. Well I did.

I am thankful for the time I did get with my father.

I am thankful that HE was my father.

I am thankful for my family - Ma, my brother, his wife who was there for me when I needed her most, her parents, J - my pillar of strength, my darlings S and M.

I am thankful for my friends.

I am thankful that Pa was here to see my second child and enjoyed being with her.

I am thankful that he didn't suffer much.

I am thankful for all the friends and family members - uncles, aunts and cousins, my BIL and SIL, who rallied around us in our darkest hour.

I am also sad and sorry about a few things but I certainly am thankful for all that I have. Lord, please never let me forget that.

Dear Guest

I really like to cook. Cooking is my stress-buster. And I really, really like to entertain. And I like you. Otherwise we wouldn't be inviting you, would we? So, please PLEASE stop doing this - "I will bring idlis for everyone. No? Or I can bring just the batter and you can make the idlis. No? OK, then Vadas. No to that too? Okay, how about sambhar? No? Then I MUST bring the sabudana snack I brought to M's party last time. Everyone loved it!"

I know you are trying to be a considerate guest. But please do take a moment to think - if I am saying no to every offer of yours then wouldn't it be the most considerate to stop insisting? And if you are doing this to showcase your own culinary skills, then it will be best that YOU invite US!

Oh, and next time I call to invite you, PLEASE don't say "Don't invite us now. Now is not the right time for you to have guests over. You need some rest". Let's pretend I know when I need rest and when I need company. Okay? Okay!!

Also, it just occurred to me - for the Love of God, please DON'T start cleaning right after dinner. My husband and I would really like to be able to chat with you over a cup of coffee or a tall glass of cold coffee with icecream. No, really! I prefer chatting over coffee to chatting over the sink. AND I am quite particular about how the dishes are piled in the sink, or which containers the left-overs are emptied into. And I am quite a traditionalist when it comes to entertaining. I DON'T want my guests to work. And I would ask for help if I needed it. Honest! Besides, that chunk of ear you see in that jar over the kitchen sink? That belonged to the last guest who "insisted" on helping me clean up. Just kidding!! But you know, every time a guest like you heaps their "help" on me, they are pushing me really close to doing that! Just a friendly reminder, nothing else :D

I would so SO love to see you this Saturday. Come hungry!

Lots of love,

Cee

You DON'T have to be a mother

or a parent to realize how close a call this was. And how terrifying. Nightmare inducing terrifying.

You have to be a decent human being to realize that you made a mistake and apologize. No, you aren't a decent human being when you apologize only after being tracked down and threatened that an FIR will be filed against you. Doesn't matter that you are a (so called) TV star. Fame does not make you "Mr. Always Right". Besides, the way you behaved, Mr. Gaurav Chopra, is how arrogant cowards behave, as Dipali says. Grow up!

Note: After La Vida Loca's comment, I realized you don't have to be a parent to realize that this was a close call. Any decent human being would realize that, parent or no parent. So I changed the title from "You have to be a mother" to "You DON'T have to be a mother".

The romance is not dead. Yet.

Not when he sneaks off to buy Valentine's day cards for the girls in his life. He only got caught because he bought the cards at a store he has never been to before, so the credit card company flagged the transaction and called in the evening to confirm it wasn't a fraudulent charge. As luck would have it, "she" took the call :)

Not when she slinks off to buy cards under the guise of getting candy for the older daughter to distribute among her classmates on V-day. And gets caught coming in the home with the bag of cards.

Not when they "hide" the bags in front of each other, secure in the knowledge that the other won't peek.

Not when they still enjoy these simple, silly little things in each other's company.

No romance, and more importantly LOVE, is not dead.

Yet. :P

It's been, what? 18 years? They celebrated V-day for the first time in 1991. When they were the best friends. Then came love. And roses. And cards. Then marriage. And kids. They haven't stopped. Don't plan on stopping.

Happy Valentine's day everyone!!

What's good for the goose...

...should also be good for the gander. Ideally. But Ms. Barkha Dutt doesn't seem to think so. I am sure by now everyone has either written or read a post on how Ms. Dutt and NDTV sent a legal notice to a blogger Chetanya Kunte for expressing his views on how NDTV and Barkha handled the airing of the Mumbai attacks. He later took the post down and put up another post apologizing for the previous post.

So, coming back to the point. I remember reading somewhere that Ms. Dutt said if anyone doesn't like what is being aired on a channel they simply have to flick the channels and watch something else. Maybe somebody should tell Ms. Dutt that if she doesn't like what a blogger wrote, she should just click the "X" in the top right corner. Easy peasy!

Now, I agreed with Mr. Kunte's observations on shoddy journalism but me being me, I also wanted to know Barkha's stance on them so dug up (Okay, I Googled her name) this article and read through it (an accomplishment for attention-challenged me). And I still agree with Mr. Kunte.

To say we did it because no one stopped us from doing so is no f***ing excuse! Yes, there should have been guidelines and directives from the government on how to handle broadcasts on an issue of such sensitivity. If there weren't any, there should have been an awareness on the broadcasters' part as to what could possibly jeopardize people's lives or the rescue operations further. Other channels and people in media have criticized the way NDTV team covered the event. To bully just one blogger in that case seems to me to be an effort at face-saving. Not that it saved any faces. The outpouring of support for this blogger makes that evident.

Okay, so the family members and friends of the hostages wanted to speak to her. She didn't hound them as the general thought goes. Even then, if the conversation started veering towards something that could jeopardize people's lives or give away their location to the terrorists, measures should have been taken to stop the airing of that part. No? Oh well... And HOW does one justify the live telecast of the actions of the commandoes that were sent to intervene? How can a live telecast of their approach NOT jeopardize their operation?? "Someone" should have thought "Hmmmm.. Maybe we shouldn't telecast how or where the commandoes plan on entering the building?!" But no! Someone was probably more concerned about the shock value of the videos. Of how they would help increase the viewership. Or maybe they innocently, genuinely thought this was journalism at its best - bringing the news AS IT HAPPENS to the public. Don't worry if that hinders a rescue operation. The public has a right to know. Right?? Right!

It is easy to blame others for your messes. It is SO easy to say "But they didn't tell us not to..." But as I say to S, "Where was YOUR brain at that time?" If my 10 year old is old enough to grasp the concept, why aren't these experienced news hounds?

Nothing that Barkha says on her page convinces me that Kunte was in the wrong. He just expressed his opinion on HIS OWN blog. To quote her -

"Viewing preferences are highly subjective and always deeply personal choices, and the most fitting rejection of someone who doesn't appeal to your aesthetics of intelligence, is simply to flick the channel and watch someone else. The viewer, to that extent, is king. "

Barkha should just have clicked the "X".

The Random Me!

I just did this someplace else and thought I should put it up on my blog as well. I have fun doing it! Here I share 25 random facts about me.

1. I love driving.

2. and cooking.

3. I am a "green thumb" wannabe. I grow many vegetables each year, kill a few plants and learn something in the process. One day I WILL keep a plant alive for more than 2 months. Just wait and see!!

4. I detest "brat-enabler" parents. If your child is a brat, I don't blame him/her. I blame YOU. You are a "non-parent" in my books. Don't say "What can I do? He/she doesn't listen to me." Do your job!!

5. I also detest parents who constantly berate their kids. Even if the kid is a brat. There are better ways of disciplining, you know!

6. I am still undecided about life after death. I would LIKE to believe there is life after death but I would like to reserve my decision/comments until after I have tested it.

7. Sometimes I can be butt-lazy.

8. I actually LIKE working out of home. But don't mind staying at home either, like I am doing these days.

9. I admire people who can be assertive for their rights. Me? I am a doormat! The kind that also has foot scrubbers for you to srub your feet on and leave all the gunk behind.

10. I love arguments of any sort. But I argue only on subjects that I know and am confident about. Which means I don't argue much. He he!

11. I would like to get completely drunk once.

12. I think the bravest thing I have ever done is to go through infertility treatment, considering I am scared (to death!!!) of needles.

13. From 12 it follows that I would make a lousy junkie.

14. I can tune out a toddler screeching at the top of her lungs. Doesn't affect me. After a while I can even pretend I am on a Hawaiian beach with waves crashing at my feet :P

15. Nothing grosses me out except vomit. Guess who cleans up throw-ups in our house? :P

16. I am a big fan of CSI - the original one.

17. I HATE almost all the actors in CSI: Miami but still watch it for the mysteries.

18. I can squint with both my eyes. That is LLTT for you!

19. I can scratch my own back. Any point.

20. I have never been able to make a decent dosa or idli batter in my life! Am still trying!

21. Number 20 follows from the fact that I am a die-hard optimist.

22. I have the ability to find at least one good quality in every person I meet. In even the people I don't like.

23. I hate talking on the phone.

24. I love gadgets of any kind. I don't necessarily want to own all of them. But I love "playing" with them.

25. I don't like talking about myself much. You can tell, no? ;)

Please don't talk to me

Last night I went to Stop and Shop. They have introduced a new toy gadget for shoppers. You go in, scan your store card and pick up a hand scanner and a few bags. As you go around the store, you pick up things you want to buy, scan them with the hand scanner and put them directly in the bag. When you are done, you go to a checkout counter, which could even be a self checkout counter, scan a bar code that says "End transaction" or something like that, return the hand scanner to a holder, pay and leave with the stuff that you have already bagged. It can be a real time saver when a person gets used to it. The self checkout counters used to be my favorites, but now this little toy is on my "Toys of the Year" list. Oh, but I digress.

Using the hand scanner set me thinking - this is ANOTHER way not to interact with anyone. Time was, one would go to a Mom and Pop store, bring the things they wanted to buy to the person behind the counter and pay for it. While the transaction was taking place, they would chat about the weather, what's happening, what's new and what's not. Then the small stores got replaced by the Super Stores. The checkout clerks got busier but they would still talk to you. Then came the self-checkout counters. Now you just go to one, scan your stuff and pay for it without the help of anyone. You occasionally need help and there are store employees around to help. You see the trend here? We are saving time by not talking to people! We are still doing the shopping, the scanning, the paying. All the saved time comes from not having to talk to anyone. Not that I mind.

S' school system has an inclement weather information system. One can check online, on a TV channel or call a phone number to find out if schools are closed or delayed due to snow. I love the online system. Just open a website and see if the schools are closed or delayed.

Personal banking is going the same way. I can deposit a check, withdraw money, check my balance, deposit cash - ALL from an ATM kiosk of my bank. I can pay bills online and transfer money too. Don't need to talk to no bank teller!

When we were going on our trip to India in December, I put our mail on hold ONLINE! Imagine! No need to go to the local post office to fill out that little card that you needed to turn in if you wanted your mail to be held. That way you don't have to talk to the nice man behind the counter who would definitely have said "Oh what a beautiful baby you have there!" upon seeing your 18 month old. I did have to call our newspaper company to put our newspaper delivery on hold (Note to self: remind the newspaper to "grow" with the times)

I have tons of online friends too. I exchange emails with them all day long. As I was just telling my mom the other day - I hate talking over the phone. If I call you every other day (mom, you reading this? :P), imagine how much I must love you! Never mind that I don't say it.

So that, in a nutshell, is what is becoming of us. We are turning into anti-social but efficient beings. And I believe I am leading the way. Do remember I love you, but don't call me. Email me!

A mom’s attempt at meditation

My cousin told me meditation works wonders for bringing your blood pressure to normal. I am game for anything non-medicinal that doesn’t require me to huff and puff. The procedure is quite simple, she said. She told me to close my eyes, breathe slowly and focus on just the breathing – in and out, in and out…

So I decide to try it one day. I settle down, in a dining chair. Do I HAVE to sit with my legs crossed? Oh pshaw!! Let’s not harp on ceremonies, shall we?! OK, then I close my eyes, pinch the thumb and index finger of both hands together and start breathing slowly.

In… out… in… out.. hey! I think I can do this! in.... out… in… out… in… out… where is ninni? In… out… I don’t hear her which means she is upto some mischief… in… out… FOCUS Cee!! In… out… in… is she in the guest bedroom?? What if she is digging the diaper rash ointment out of its container?... ouuuuuuuutttt… innnnnnn… ouuuuuuuutttt… innnnnnnn… ouuuuuuu… oh, she is in the family room, which means she is probably only playing with the books there. That’s ok!… uuuutt… innnnn…. ouuuuuuuutttttt… innnnnnn… ouuuuuuu…… oh she is pulling my hand. What does she need now?...uuuttttt…. innnnn…. Hang on a minute baby!...nnnnnn….. ouuuuu…. Should I stop now? … uuuuttttt…. innnnnn… ouuuuuuuuuutttt innnnnnnnn ouuuuuuuuuuttt… I guess that is enough for today innnnnnnn… ouuuuuuuttttttt

WHEW!!! I feel great already!!

Of respect in relationships: Friendship

S has been having some problems with a friend of hers. Some time ago I would have said they are "good" friends but lately I have been questioning that. The said "friend" (lets call her A) tries to boss S around and when she stands up for herself (a relatively new skill for which I am very proud of her), A gets nasty and says hurtful things to S. She also says hurtful and untrue things about S behind her back to other girls. When S steps back from the friendship A apologizes, is nice for a few days (or hours) and then the cycle repeats. S is also getting tired of this routine. I have been trying my best not to dictate what S should do - or what I think S should do, which is to sever all ties with this girl. One day she is all determined to cut the friendship off when she is smarting from the latest insult A has thrown at her, the next day she is feeling sorry for A because she doesn't have any friends. This girl is so obnoxious that she really doesn't have too many friends. And the girls (and boys) who ARE friends with her are subject to the same treatement and are wary of her. One girl's mother has forbidden all contact between the two girls which is feasible for her since the two girls are not in the same class and are going to be in different middle schools next year.

All this while I have been coaching S in what to say and how to stand up for herself without being nasty in return. Now, I have had friends disagree with me on this but I sincerely believe if S can learn the skills to stand up for herself without being nasty or mean, it would be for her own good. She will need those skills when she goes out in the big bad world - where she will definitely need to work with all sorts of people. A little diplomacy in expressing her feelings will go a long way for S then - that is what I feel. I certainly don't want her to be all nice and sweet in all situations - I just want her to resort to nastiness as a last option. I want her to have a backbone and claws but I also want her to keep her claws sheathed until it is absolutely necessary to go on a full frontal attack.

I have had a good friend also disagree with me on whether I should force S to break her friendship with A. I say no, she says yes and she has already told her daughter not to keep any contact with A. She says, as a mom, it is her responsibility to protect her daughter from such "friends" and to make sure she (the daughter) doesn't unnecessarily go through the heartbreak of being in an abusive friendship. I respect her opinion, and respectfully disagree with her too. I feel these are life's little opportunities for S to learn how to stand up for herself and how to work at creating healthy relationships. ALL relationships need hard work. No relationship can survive if the people involved are not putting in a sincere effort. And, in all healthy relationships, respect flows both ways. It should and if it isn't, I would term that relationship as deficient, if not outright abusive. I also feel S should learn when and how to end a relationship. It is a hard thing to learn. I haven't been able to do that yet. I sometimes wonder if it is unreasonable of me to expect a 10 year old to learn what I haven't been able to, in 38+ years. But I believe by giving her an early start, and full understanding and support, I am giving her the chance I never got at learning this.

There is no point behind this post of mine. I am just trying to sort my thoughts on this. A's mom has become a good friend and has helped me a lot on many occasions. I have thought about talking to her about A's behavior towards S but have decided against it for a few reasons.

1. I am a complete chicken.

2. I want S to resolve this on her own, one way or the other. I do not want to step in because I see her learning to deal with such sticky situations herself and I also see her confidence growing.

3. How do you go to a good friend and say "I am sorry but your daughter is obnoxious!!"?

MY concern is how to let S distance herself from A without distancing myself from A's mom? Why am I worried about this friendship? Because I have learnt that children may fight like cats and dogs one day but get along fabulously on another day. And that children grow and change. So I hope A will change a little, or that S will learn how to maintain this friendship without getting bulldozed by A. I do admire many qualities of A's and do feel that both girls can benefit from each other. Also, I believe it is easier to break a relationship than to keep it going and super-difficult to mend it after breaking it. So one should break a relationship if, and only if, one is a 110% sure about doing it.

I have had some friendships that have taken a long time in developing and some are still a little shaky. But I still keep giving them "some more time". Not because I am an undecisive fool, but because I believe a beautiful, life-long friendship could emerge out of these relationships if they get enough time and effort. But I am also strong enough now to not let these relationships hurt me if they don't go the right way. I think I am capable of breaking ties if someone seriously hurts me. In fact, I think I always keep a thin shell aorund me to protect myself from any potential hurts. Just prior experience which resulted into this habit.

One thing that I have noticed is lack of respect in some friendships. Even in adult friendships. People take their friends for granted. Expect favors, but don't return them. Are rude because they CAN. Or under the guise of being their friend's well-wisher. The biggest issue I have seen is lack of appreciation. If someone does something for you, you just shrug it off saying "Oh, I would have done the same thing for him/her".

My father's death has made me take a deeper look within myself for many reasons. One of the reasons was HIS friendships and relationshsips. He, and my mom, have a huge social circle. Pa used to remember everyone's anniversaries, birthdays and other small things like their kids' likes and dislikes. He would email or call people on every little occasion. He was our link to the rest of the family. And because of him, we had so much support after he was gone. In the days after his funeral, I and my brother were surrounded by at least 12 first cousins. They were there because Pa kept everyone in our lives. Ma has played a part in all this too - all my life I have seen my parents house some kid or other while they study in some college/school in Jodhpur. Ma loved feeding people. If friends visited us at lunch or dinner time, they were treated to a sumptuous meal - no matter how last minute their arrival was. Together, Ma and Pa have built such a strong support-net for us. I hope I can leave a similar net for my kids one day. And I believe the first step to that is respecting my friends for what they do for me, and how they love and care for me. At the same time I will remember that I deserve the same respect from them and if I don't get it then maybe it is time to trim that part of my friendship tree.

We lived to tell the tale

Tale of 13 girls and a birthday party. And then 8 girls and their sleepover. Really, if you knew how much cumulative lung power a collection of girls can carry, you'd be ringing us up and asking after our healths right now! Or maybe you'd be emailing us because we have gone deaf with all the shrieking and screaming and can't hear the phone ring now.

S' birthday was on October 31st - as it is every year, in case you didn't know. And we decided to keep it low key - mainly because I wasn't feeling up to a party right after losing my dad. I didn't want to tell her to go without a party this year either (and SHE did suggest it) because frankly, I think this is the time when we NEED all the social interaction we can get. At least I do. It takes my mind off of my loss and brings me out of the self-pity mode.

So, just 3 days before the party I sent out the invitations. A simple email, telling the occasion, date(Friday November 7th) and time(7:30 - 10:30 pm). And mentioning that this will be a Pajama party and the girls could sleep over if they wanted. I wasn't expecting anyone to accept the sleepover invitation, considering the fact that most of the parents didn't know me. But SEVEN out of the 13 girls we invited, decided to sleep over. And 12 accepted the invitation. The 13th girl couldn't come because of a sore throat.

On the day of the party, I almost didn't do anything the whole day. Just cleaned up a little bit here and there. Then started cleaning at 4, and was done by 6 with J and S' help. At 6:10 or so I stepped out to get some party supplies which included popcorn (they were going to watch a movie) and some other snacks, nailpolish, nail files and nailpolish remover for the girls who were going to sleep over (found these cute little bottles in funky colors, which the girls got to take home), an icecream cake and pizza that J had ordered over the phone. I was an epitome of efficiency that day - was back with ALL the supplies by 7:20! It included stopping at the bakery of the supermarket to add S' name to the cake.

All in all, the girls had mega fun. I never knew 10 year old girls could put away so much pizza, cheesy bread and soda/juice. AND bagsful of popcorn after eating all that! But I was well prepared. We didn't run out of food even the next morning when all the girls had breakfast before leaving. For once I was glad that my freezer and pantry are ALWAYS full of food. I didn't even have to run out for milk. Toaster Strudels, waffles, Cheerios and milk - and 8 happy (not so) little (anymore) girls.

The sleepover was fun, even if very tiring. After the others left, I handed out the nail colors and they set out to color each other's nails. Some found a few board games and played while a few others watched TV. NO arguments, NO fights, NO cattiness. The best behaved bunch of girls I have ever seen. At 12 I started sending them to brush their teeth one by one. At 12:20 or so, S oppened her gifts. Then lights out at 1 am. And then multiple reminders to the girls to go to sleep and stop shouting. Then I told them that if they woke the baby with their loud voices, she will be ALL THEIRS till the morning. THAT did the trick :) They still didn't go to sleep right away but talked only in whispers. Finally every last one of them dozed off, and I popped myself some popcorn, surfed the net and then went to sleep at 2:30 am.

All in all - a very exciting night, some good fun and a surge of confidence for mom and dad. We are now planning to have these pajama parties every now and then.

Here are a few pics:

The Cake

Watching the movie:

M settles down with Big Sis to watch the movie:

I am a big girl now

In April '08, I flew to India for my mom's retirement party. All alone. No husband to chaperon me, no children to be chaperoned. A cousin arranged a taxi for me to go to Jaipur (from New Delhi), from where I caught a train to Jodhpur. I had never travelled alone in India so this was a big deal for me. I thought I had finally "grown up". I was a Big girl. It seems I was wrong. Turns out one becomes a Big Girl, or a Big Boy, within moments when one loses a parent.

So, I grew up and became a Big Girl on October 4th, 2008. 11:45 pm IST. Pa was in a hospital (one of the best in the region, by the way), awaiting a bypass surgery which was scheduled for Monday, October 6th, when he experienced a massive heart attack. He was taken to the ICU within three minutes, but nothing could save him. Even in his last moments, he did what he had been doing all his life - worried about his wife, my mother. He told the doctors "Meri wife ka dhyaan rakhna, wo bahut jaldi ghabra jaati hain" [take care of my wife, she gets scared easily] And then he left. Just like that.

He experienced angina pains one morning when he was out on his daily walk. He got chest pains, started sweating and then got nauseous. He rested on a bench for a bit and then walked to a nearby nursing home. There, the doctors administered an ECG and determined he was having angina pains. They had someone drop him off at home with the instructions to rest and see a cardiologist as soon as possible. When he saw one, he was advised to get an angiography done for which he and Ma decided to go to Jaipur. We were all hoping that it would turn out be some minor blockage that could be treated/controlled with medication. But against all hopes, it turned out that he had 90% blockage in three arteries. Bypass surgery was required and one was scheduled as soon as enough blood of his blood group (A-) was secured. This was on Saturday evening. Soon after that he suffered the heart attack.

He was in the hospital (in Jaipur) for 4 days. I spoke to him multiple times every day. Even during all this health scare he was his usual jocular self - he told J that all this was his ploy to get Ma to part with the money she received upon retiring. He told Ma that he was having all the heart trouble due to the stress that was caused by Ma constantly breaking all his records in Mahjong. On the morning of October 4th, he told me he was surprised how much food the hospital gave him - which meant he must have been eating very little earlier (he did lose a few kgs in 15 days).

It is beginning to sink in that I will never see him again. I still remember how his big, rough hands made me feel like a little girl. Even at the age of 38. His awkward hugs made my heart melt. That won't happen again. I will never again hear a message from him saying "Haan Cee, mai bol raha hu.....". I will not hear a "Happy Birthday" or a "Happy New Year" from him ever again. What a price to pay for growing up!!

Grief

It has many faces.

It can be constant crying - punctuated by brief hiccups...

It can be a wail - heart rending, twisting the gut into a tangled ball...

It can be a silence - wrapping one's soul, blocking all external stimuli from coming in...

It can even be hope - that the loved one you have lost is in a better place, maybe reunited with the long-lost mother he never knew and his one and only pet whom he loved just as much as, and sometimes more than, his own daughter...

It can be an ache - that you will never see him again. Or hear him. Or receive emails and birthday e-cards. Or touch him...

It can be a fear - that you will forget him, the sound of his voice, his laugh, his touch...

It can be dry eyes - because you just don't know how to release all those emotions...

It can be a comfort - to know that he didn't suffer. He went just as he had always lived. With dignity...

It can be a puzzle - did he think about you in his final moments? (Yes, I know. A very selfish thought)...

It can be a heartbreak - that you could not do anything even though you COULD have. After all, your blood group was the same as his. He needn't have waited one whole stupid day...

It can be a LOT of memories - of your childhood, of learning from him, of laughing with him, or AT him...

It can be a lesson - to live like he did, love like he did...

It can be a role reversal - comforting others who come from far away to pay their respects...

It can be overwhelming.

I lost my dad, very unexpectedly, on October 4th this year. It is beginning to sink in. And it hurts. A LOT.