Today, while talking to a friend about the electives that S has chosen for middle school, I said something I am sure she didn't understand. We argued briefly over it then gave up and decided to enjoy the rest of the limited time we had to chat with each other. But what I said is still going around in my head and I am sure I won't be at peace until I put it down somewhere. So, here goes....
I said I will be very disappointed if my daughter chooses arts as a career. Yep. I said that. And now I will wait for the brickbats.
While I don't think I owe any explanation to anyone for my opinion on this matter - except to S, I began thinking of my reasons. The only reason I could think of is that I am a technology-oriented and artistically challenged individual. I understand technology better. I understand the career options in technology better. If my daughter chose something that I couldn't understand or help her with... well that IS the heart of the matter, isn't it? We want to be important in our children's lives. We want to be able to "help" them with the major decisions in their lives. And we want a connection with them through our choices in life. My parents wanted me to opt for science because they were both science/engineering teachers and of course, opting for science meant you were intelligent. I don't subscribe to the latter belief myself - I am just saying how it was then.
But what I think does not matter at all. That is what my friend didn't understand. My opinion doesn't count because it is my daughter's life, hence it should be her decision. I strongly believe in parents letting their children make their own decisions. And as I am learning on this road of parenting, sometimes you even have to let your kids make wrong decisions just so they can learn from them. You have to put your confidence in them, in your own parenting. You have to believe that the foundation of values and ethics that you gave them in their childhood is strong enough to help them make sound decisions later in life. You can and should guide them, but you have to leave the final decision up to them. I certainly DO NOT mean that choosing a career in art would be a wrong decision. I am just saying what MY philosophy about parenting is - let your kids make their own decisions, let them make mistakes, and if they do make mistakes then stand by them without judging them and help them learn from their mistakes and rectify them, if possible. That is all we CAN do as parents. I have seen way too many lives ruined by well-meaning parents interfering in their children's decisions.
So while I would very much like it that S goes into a technology or science related field, if she chooses otherwise, I will still wholeheartedly support her. Yes, I'd be disappointed but NOT because I'd think her choice is inferior. Just because as a parent I'd like that extra link with her. And I won't be disappointed in her. I will try and educate myself more about her choices and maybe that will help me understand and accept them better. Maybe I'll grow up a little more by then and her career choice wouldn't affect me at all - one sure can live in hope.
Hey there,
ReplyDeleteI am not as clear and focused as you. I am not even sure what I'd do but do remember that my own parents were never disappointed in whatever we chose..dad is a CA, I wanted to be one then changed my mind to get into a better college and went for economics...I am not even sure what I would want my daughter to do, she is still too young.
So what made me comment...just a thought, that sometimes Children sense our unspoken disappointment and do things just to please us even when their hearts lie elsewhere..they are unsure and when they see that the parents are unsure too, they just do what their parents are sure about...which is not necessarily bad..I have seen children who wanted to do something different fail and at the same time seen those who did, though half-heartedly, what their parents wanted them to succeed and happy. So who knows...
Sorry, I was thinking out loud too :-)
Tearsndreams: Yes, I don't mean to say that ALL children who follow their parents' wishes are unhappy. Things are never so black and white, right? And yes, children can sense unspoken disappointment IF parents show it. I hope it won't come to that for us because I am already speaking to S about these things. About how I understand technology better but she should keep her options open to all possibilities. In fact, I encouraged her to take arts as her first elective for middle school and dance as third. She wanted to choose computers but I told her she could choose something else because I and J can easily teach her whatever is in the computer curriculum at home. I hope keeping the communication open will do the trick for us :)
ReplyDeleteI dont really care what she does in school as long she doesnt get married till she is in her(at least) late twenties.
ReplyDeleteIs that bad of me to want her to not be like me(didnt finish college, married at 20,first child at 22.)
Ohh I didnt know you had to chose electives in middle school. Ashwina will be going to 5th this fall and middle school fall 10.
i understand. i'd be terribly disappointed if my kids were scienceys. i am very artisitic and you love to know that they share that link with you. would i deal with it? totally. its my prob, not theirs.
ReplyDeleteu got urself corrected towards the end. so no brickbats!! :P
ReplyDeleteu'll make the right decision when it's time. we have full faith in you. :)
Yeah, I wouldn't mind if my kids chose whatever profession they want. But if it is in the same line as the husband and I am in, it'd be easier to guide them. Well, I don't even know if they'd want any guidance, but still I'd like to be prepared.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sensible mother you are, Cee. We just muddled through, I think!
ReplyDeleteHmmm. I agree with tearsanddreams. I think its a very subtle distinction (being disappointed in her because you think its an inferior option and being disappointed because you lose a link to her). The danger is that your daughter may pick up on the disappointment and not on the reasons behind the disappointment, which as I said are very nuanced. And being well-behaved, one danger is that she may be very very subtly pushed into choosing a technology/science career which would make her happy but not terrifically happy.
ReplyDeleteotoh, I'm sure you've got it all sorted out and its good that you can see those differences and acknowledge them.
And I'm not sure I'd want to guide my daughter in a particular career, but I'd like to guide her about HOW to choose good work that would interest and excite her.
n!
Each child is imbued with his or her own set of talents even though they were knit from our DNA. The beauty of education in America is that you can study and be whatever you want to be and don't have to have a predetermined idea of what it is you want to do in school before you get there.
ReplyDeleteEncourage your daughter to take as many different kinds of classes as possible. Obviously there is a need to have a solid foundation in math, science, and writing. The balance of her courses should be left up to her. There's nothing wrong with being a non-technically oriented professional. If she has a passion and talent to do something it should be cultivated.
Mini-me is a budding environmentalist but has a gifted eye behind the camera, plays the violin with joy, and could out draw me by the time she was five. I'm proud of her for pursuing her interests and talents.