Long overdue updates

I have been lagging behind in recording all the happenings in Mitthi Mouse and Ninni the Pooh's worlds. Now I have forgotten half of them. I never was the "record-it-all" kind of mother. I rejoice when the milestones are met, mention them to anyone who cares to ask about my two rays of sunshine but almost never remember to head over to my blog and record them. Oh well...

**Randomness alert! The following updates are going to be random - not necessarily in the order they happened. **

M is sitting up unsupported. She has been doing that for quite some time now. And she is pretty good with maintaining her balance. The lazy bum that she is, she still hasn't rolled over :D I guess since we are doing her work for her (in helping her sit up) she is not worried about learning some of the basic skills. Moreover, she still doesn't like tummy time so that might be one reason why she hasn't rolled over yet.

I think I mentioned it in one of my earlier posts that she is also trying her hardest to sit up - but since she hasn't learned to roll over, she just wants to sit up in one go. No "rolling to her side and then slowly propping herself up on her hands" (like S did) for her! This is one dame in a hurry to get things done :P She IS getting strong ab muscles in the process and each day she moves her shoulders a tiny fraction higher than the last time. So I guess she might just sit up one day without any forewarning! I am worried that it might happen in the middle of the night and the only way we will know about it is when we'll hear the "THUD" of her falling off her crib. Yes. Me and my active imagination :D

M is also using her walker like a pro! She has been mobile in it now for quite some time and has gained confidence in maneuvering it in the tightest of spots. It is hilarious to see her follow us around the house. She does this "flapping her hands in the air and pushing with her tummy" to navigate the walker around corners and to turn it around! She learned all this on her own for one reason, and one reason only. She has lazy and cruel parents who just watched and laughed when she got stuck on corners and in tight spaces. We didn't move even a single muscle to go help her out. So she had to learn fast!

With her increased mobility, we have to be on a lookout for potential "slobber alerts". If she sees anything hanging at her eye level, a jacket on the back of a chair for instance, she rushes to it and tries to put it in her mouth WITHOUT USING HER HANDS! I told you she is a lazy bum of a baby. Not an iota of extra effort for anything. Just enough to get things done with the minimum movements of limbs seems to be her goal.

She is also eating 2 meals a day now. She loves the cereal and the carrots and the peas and everything else she can put in her mouth. Green Beans give her gas and make her VERY uncomfortable. So we have decided to re-introduce beans later. I haven't been able to cook much for her though and that thought nags at me. I would love to feed her more home cooked meals. I need to get more organized to do that.

Another thing she has taken up recently is shrieking. If she is tired, or wants something, or if she is just plain bored she'd go "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". Then it is up to us to decipher what exactly is the request here. So a typical scene goes like this-

M: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Grandma: You want me to pick you up? Come here.

M (Now in grandma's arms - clawing at her face): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Grandma: No? You don't want to be held? Do you want to go on your activity mat then?

M (now laying on the activity mat): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Grandma: Do you want a toy?

M (with a toy in her hands): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Grandpa: Maybe she wants a diaper change.

Some one - Grandpa, grandma, mom, dad - checks her diaper after that and changes it if needed. If that was the true reason for the shrieks, M stops. Or sometimes she decides to start shrieking for something else. So we keep on trying different things to stop the d**n shrieking and M keeps upping the volume. Then sometimes J decides enough is enough and grabs her, bundles her up so she can't move her arms or legs and sings her to sleep. Then we realize that she wanted to sleep all along.

Sometimes, instead of shrieking, she grunts. The sound is then "UUUUUUUUUURNNNNNNNNNNNNDTTTTTTTTTTTTT".

Another thing she has just started doing is keeping tabs on everyone and everything that goes on in our house. So no matter what she is doing - drinking her formula, or trying to sleep - she HAS to check out every one that comes into or leaves the room. Last night was J's turn to wake up with her in night and while he was feeding her, she kept turning around to look at the sound-asleep me :) J says that made the task of putting her back to bed extra difficult because she really wanted to make sure that mommy was asleep and not just pretending to sleep! He finally had to do that bundle-her-up-and-don't-let-her-move-an-inch thing again :D All I could hear was a wail getting louder by the minute and daddy's lullabies matching the volume of the wails :P I drifted off to sleep with that "pleasant" sound filling my dreams :D But that did the trick, I am told, and M finally went to sleep.

Diwali happend too and that is when we found out that we have a social animal in the midst of us! M just LOVES company. She had been crying non-stop until we reached a friend's house for our Diwali get-together. We step into their house and all everyone else gets to see is a happy, smiling baby! Not a peep out of her all the time we were there. The moment we left their driveway the crying resumed and didn't stop until I plugged her mouth with a bottle and she went to sleep drinking her formula :D

Now on to the big sister.

S went to her first swim meet this year (not counting the one she went to in April when she participated in just one event) We were excited. J took her to the meet and I followed after completing a few chores. Seems like mommy and daddy were the only people excited about this meet. S spent the whole day with a long face. She was tired, she declared. She really was. Try to picture this - a tired kid doing a 100 m freestyle swim. Watching her do it was like watching one of those slow motion scenes in a Hindi movies where the lead actress is swimming neck to neck with her rival and they are inches away from the finish line. Only, here it was a very tired S and no rival and no neck-to-neck competition happening. I was VERY proud of her when she finished that event - because it is pretty damn difficult to even get going when you are dog-tired, let alone finish. I think it was the fact that she wasn't swimming very fast that was dragging S' spirits down. I tried to explain to her over and over that I DON'T care if she is first or last in an event as long as she is making her best effort and is having fun. Finally I gave up and left her alone. And then I couldn't help wondering if we were unduly pushing our daughter into something she didn't want to do. Agreed she loves swimming and begged us to enroll her in swimming but it was on our insistence that she tried out for the swim team.

So, we somehow got through the meet and then came home. J had already left leaving me with S. On our way back, I talked to S about her behaviour that day. I told her that we didn't want to push her into the swim team if she didn't want it and that she can opt out and go back to regular swimming lessons if she wants. She insisted that she wanted to be on the team and that she enjoyed it. By the time I drove into our driveway I was on the verge of tears and just sat in the car and started crying. I don't know why the tears spilled - it was probably the mad rush that we had been in since morning topped with S' attitude. Seeing my tears S got very upset and tried to console me. I told her that I NEVER wanted to push her into anything EXCEPT in education and matters of health. All I wanted was for her to have fun doing whatever she opted to do. I told her that I didn't mind if she didn't want to stay on the swim team - that she can go back to regular swimming lessons if she finds swim meets very stressful. She assured me that she likes being on the team for the umpteenth time. And she even said "You are a very good mommy. You are not pushing me into anything" or something to that effect. All in all, I and S had a heart-to-heart talk out in our car on the driveway. S promised not to behave that way again in the next swim meet and she kept the promise. In the next swim meet, which was on the weekend before Thanksgiving, she was in a cheerful mood and didn't whine about "having to do it". Another reason for the absence of whining was that I had earlier told S it was her choice - she can easily drop out of the swim team if she doesn't like the early morning swim meets. I guess that made her realize that we are not forcing her into anything and the only way she can continue this is if she wants it. And that no whining on the matter of not being able to sleep in will be tolerated :P

So the first swim meet that S participated in turned out to be very different from what I had always imagined it to be but it still was a good experience.

S has started showing some signs of puberty and I talked to her pediatrician about it. I wanted help on how to discuss puberty with her. I myself entered puberty pretty early (I don't exactly remember but I think I got my first period when I was 10 or 11 years old) and I still remember how scared I was when that happened. It was because my mom had not had a chance to discuss this with me before it happened and even after it did, she just told me the basics very matter-of-factly and the rest I had to figure out by myself. I don't want S to go through that alone. Her pediatrician has recommended that we see a pediatric endocrinologist who can make sure her hormone level is normal and that she doesn't start puberty too early because it would stop her from reaching her full height/growth potential. I didn't know that and I am glad I brought up this issue with the pediatrician. So we are seeing a pediatric endocrinologist on this Friday and I hope she will have some useful information for us.

Academically S is doing wonderful. So says her teacher. We had the first parent-teacher conference on November 1st. For the first time in all these years, S wasn't a nervous wreck before the conference. I hope it is because I have finally been able to get it across that if she fails in a subject, we won't disown her. We will, instead, try to help her understand that subject better. The teacher says S is very good in math (and she said that with a surprise), and her writing skills are very good. That surprised ME because till last year her teachers had been telling us she needs more work in that area. Guess the "more work" has paid off! S got a "C" (for "consistent") or an "O" (for "outstanding") in most skills that she was tested on. Specially in physical fitness, she got mostly "O"s which is good because her teacher told us that the Physical ed teacher didn't hand out many "O"s this year.

We also asked the teacher to help her participate in other activities around the school in order to help her develop a rounded personality and not just become a book worm. The teacher suggested that she can try being on the editorial board. S like the idea too so in January, she will try that out. S has also started going to the Kindergarten classes (another of her teacher's ideas) to read books to the little kids. This is helping her with her reading skills and the little kids love it when an older kid comes to their class to read to them. S enjoys doing that too.

I took M to S' class one day in October after her teacher had sent me many pointed reminders :D S loved being the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in the classroom (because M had eyes only for her and she even got to hold the baby!) and M loved all the attention. Mommy loved all the compliments she got for the beautiful baby and the beautiful big sister :P

S has continued with violin lessons at school this year and with Piano lessons too. She seems to be enjoying both. She cleared another level in math in KUMON and has been in the ASHR (Advanced Student Honor Roll) for quite some time now. Looks like she will make the "G by 5" milestone in Math too. That is when a student completes level G in KUMON math by (or before) 5th grade. S is on level F right now. Ain't I the proud mama? :D And that is so because S has achieved this without any POP (prodding or pushing) from us. In fact sometimes I wonder if she would have done better with some POP but then I remember that it wouldn't have meant anything then. At least not to me.

S surprised me with one thing a few weeks back. She has been learning dance moves to some Bollywood songs with a few friends and they sometimes present those dances in their school's "All School Meetings" where all kids are welcome to perform anything they are good at. The friend who has been co-ordinating these performances at the school signed up all the girls, including S, for a dance performance in a talent show that S' school was going to hold. S came to me in the evening and said she didn't want to participate in the dance because she wanted to share another talent (Piano) and they were allowed to present only one talent. I was surprised at the clarity and determination with which she put her "case" in front of me. For the first time she came out and told me what she wanted in plain terms, without whining. A big achievement, I am telling you! So I talked to the friend who let S off of the obligation and S did present her Piano piece at the Talent show. She chose her pieces, auditioned and prepared for them all on her own. I am very proud of you, S!!

Edited to add (before I completely forget): M has also been pulling herself up into a sitting position and then into standing up by grabbing our fingers. It has been at least a month since she started doing this. And I swear that we don't help her AT ALL (refer to the paragraph about lazy and cruel parents) so SHE has to do all the grabbing and pulling. As a result she is developing a very strong grasp! And shoulders :P

I Thank Thee, Lord

For giving me two precious gems - S & M.

For the Prince-cut diamond - J.

For my parents, who didn't think twice before dropping everything to come over and help me.

For my brother, who still considers me a good friend. And his wife who apparantly likes me :D

For my ILs who love my daughters from the depths of their hearts. Who probably love me too, in their own way.

For my friends who love me enough to throw me baby showers. Who come to my house from 100 + miles away even when they are going through chemotherapy because they "miss the baby". Who are willing to spend one whole day with me. Who cart my daughter to and from activities sometimes. Who bring me lunch and dinner when I need it. Who cheer me up when I am down in the dumps.

For my job because it provides me with the intellectual stimulation that I crave.

For my blog friends who leave caring comments and offers of help when I share my problems on my blog.

I thank Thee, for I am blessed.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Doesn't matter if you celebrate it or not. I wish you happiness on this day and for the rest of your lives.

We are celebrating Thanksgiving with loving friends this year too. And this year I have my parents with me to add to the happiness. Menu has been decided, almost half the preparations done. House is still a little messy. Maybe we'll be able to clean it, maybe not. Who cares? Who cares when the company is good and the food delicious? (Even if I say so myself :P)

Thanksgiving menu - desi ishtyle:

Chhole-Tikiya
Muthiye (A gujrati dish made with shredded cabbage, whole wheat flour and other spices - yummy!)
Katori Chaat - Crispy deep fried bowls made with all purpose flour, filled with sprouted lentils, cucumber, shredded cabbage, potatoes etc. topped with yogurt and chutneys)
Moong Dal Ki Kachori
Fruit Cream - Whipped cream loaded with fruits.
Vanilla Icecream topped with chopped nuts

Have a good one, everyone!

Q & A - A proof of why men never could understand women

DotMom never forgets me! (Thanks DotMom!) She tagged me for this one. I was thinking of doing it anyway as I found it funny. So, here goes…

1.How do you feel after a one night stand?

You mean with just one nightstand in my bedroom? No. I want two. I like symmetry.

2. Do you ever get used to wearing a thong?

Nope. Do you?

3. Does it hurt?

Please use complete sentences. Does WHAT hurt? Your stupidity does sometimes hurt my brain. But don’t worry. Rest of the time I can just tune you out like I do my 9 year old :D

4. Do you know when you are acting crazy?

Yes. That’s so I could get down to your level so you’d understand me!

5. Does size really matter?

Does it?

6. When the bill comes are you still a feminist?

Before. After. ALL the time!

7. Why do you take so long to get ready?

Oh well! Being perfect is not easy, honey.

8. Do you watch porn, too?

Yeah. So?

9. Will something from Tiffany's solve everything?

It won’t hurt to try and find out!

10. Are guys as big of a mystery to you as you are to us?

No. But their mothers are!

11. Why do you sometimes think you look fat?

Me? FAT?? **SLAP**!!

12. Why are you always late?

It’s called fashionably late dahlin’! And see my answer for question 7.

13. Does it bother you when we scratch?

No. But I sure wish you’d use more soap. And moisturize.

14. Do you wish you could pee standing up?

Oh no honey! Trust me – it ain’t that special a skill. Besides, I am glad I didn’t spend my childhood doing target practice on Cheerios.

15. Why do so many women cut their hair short as soon as they get married?

Maybe short hair go better with the pants they wear in the family?

16. How often do you think about sex?

Go read my blog!!!! I went through IVF!! There was a reason for it.

17. What do you think of women who sleep with guys on the first date?

Why would I care?

18. Would you?

Would I WHAT?? Use complete sentences, moron!

19. Do you realize every guy wants a girl just like his mom?

Yes. And you know we’d like you to be just like our daddy, right? Right down to the last detail of earning as much as, or more than, him. If you can expect us to cook just like your mom, we can expect you to provide for our every whim and fancy like our dads did. Only fair, right?!

20. Why does every woman think she can change him?

Newsflash – we can!

21. Does it matter what car I drive?

No. But HOW you drive does.

22. Do you ever fart?

No dear. It’s the baby!

This guy really thinks he can figure out women if he gets these questions asnwered??? No wonder he couldn't. Now if his list had questions on sensitivity, friendship, caring, understanding and respect, among other things, I am sure he'd have a shot at understanding women a little bit. Do thongs and porn even feature on our "lists" of things we'd want to be understood about?

Oh, and if his girlfriend answered "yes" to questions 9 and 21, they they both deserve each other, methinks!

Now, I’d like to know what MadMomma, Rohini, Megha and Sunayana think. Get going, girls!

Keep your kids away from this blog!!

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
pain (13x) hurt (9x) sex (7x) hell (6x) knife (4x) murder (3x) slap (2x) suicide (1x)

I would have loved to be a lioness

but I am content being a COUGAR too! Yeah baby!!

What Is Your Animal Personality?

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I was getting way too "reflect-ey" for my own taste and took this quiz to jump out of that. I did answer all the questions quite truthfully though. There were a few questions that had more than one answer that I could have picked. Maybe I'll go back and pick those answers and see what turns up!

Tough times ahead! Again.

God, grant me serenity,

to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage, to change the things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

ॐ भूर्भुव स्वः तत्सः वितुर्वरेण्यम
भर्गो देवस्य धी महि धियो यो नः प्रचोदायत

These two prayers have helped me get through many tough times and I am counting on them this time around too. The toughest thing for a parent to do is watch their child suffer even a little bit. I remember one Vicks Vaporub ad that said - "आपको वही खांसी सबसे ज्यादा सताती है, जो आपके मुन्ने को आती है"। (You are bothered by that cough the most that bothers your son) How true!! If I could meet the person who came up with that line, I'd kiss their hands. And feet. This is the most insightful comment I have EVER heard about parenting.

S' dentist had asked us to take her to an orthodontist because she has some majorly crooked teeth and he wanted us to get started with "preventive maintenance" rather than have to go for something drastic (like surgery) when she grows up. So, we went. In nutshell what the orthodontist told us was this - her upper jaw is weak and not growing as well as her lower jaw has. As a result the lower jaw is slowly thrusting its way out while the upper jaw is going back. Her bite is not as it should be - upper teeth overlapping lower teeth. They meet and if this continues, the lower teeth could overlap the upper ones. This is genetic - something decided by the genes she has. And that's when, for a moment, I thought maybe my and J's match wasn't exactly made in heaven. (I am sorry J - I know you understand. I just meant that something that gives our daughter such a problem to deal with couldn't have been made "in heaven". I am VERY happy with you - for the record, and I wouldn't have married anyone else if I couldn't have married you. You know that, don't you?)

Thankfully, there is a simple fix for this. They will install an "expander" in her upper jaw which will push it outward and give the teeth some more space so they can come in easily. Then she will be given a face mask that will be attached to her teeth in the back, and will help pull her upper jaw outward. All this is going to be very uncomfortable but not painful (according to the orthodontist) And this will hopefully prevent her from needing surgery to fix this later on in her life. It depends on how well her upper jaw grows after this and if her lower jaw doesn't grow faster than the upper one.

Simple. In theory. Take into account that it is a 9 year old who will be going through all this, add to it the extreme discomfort she will have to bear and the pain too, and the fact that this treatment will last ten long months (after which, if both the jaws behave as they should, she will get simple braces) and you'll know why I need the support of prayers. I am on the verge of crying for her, at her discomfort and how my little trooper is going through all this. Yes, she is a little grumpy and yes we have given her the liberty to be so. She had "spacers" put in her teeth so that they will get some space for the metal expander to be put in this Saturday. That is making her extremely uncomfortable. She refused painkillers initially but then came back and asked for them. Which makes her drowsy which, in turn, makes going to school and swim practice and everything else that she has to do so much more difficult. Every sleep-deprived parent will vouch for that.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" has always been my mantra. I have mentioned it before too. My main grievance with God is - why her AGAIN?????

Isn't math fun?!

2 weeks and 6 days till our 12th wedding anniversary. 2 X 6 = 12.

Silly, but fun :D

How much is too much?

J K Rowling, with a simple revelation of Dumbledore’s sexual orientation, has set a lot of parents thinking about how and when to discuss the birds and the bees with their kids. Now - first about the revelation. How does it matter if Dumbledore is gay or straight? Why is it a big deal even if JKR did it for publicity? I, for one, don’t think she did it for publicity though I am in definite minority for thinking this. She was asked if Dumbledore ever fell in love with anyone and at that point JKR said what we know she said that caused such a furore.

Now, I haven’t EVER written a book but I remember reading an interview with an author (I forget the name) where the author discussed how he/she draws out various characters. And the author mentioned that after a while the characters begin taking a life of their own, that one just knows what they are like from that point on and their character just begins to fill out with all the details. It “comes to them” in a way. I found that idea fascinating. I mean, how can someone that YOU created, take life and develop a personality of their own? Isn’t that interesting? And I want to experience that for myself – etch a character and watch him/her develop his or her personality. For that I’ll have to write a book though, no? Well, that’s matter for another post. But coming back to the discussion – I think maybe that is what happened with Dumbledore. JKR created all these characters. Slowly they developed into their personalities and along the way JKR realized that Dumbledore was gay. Or maybe, when the story reached a certain point (by story I mean the WHOLE story in the 7 books) it was just a natural conclusion to draw. I don’t know. And I don’t care.

I don’t care that Dumbledore is gay and I don’t care that JKR declared it now. I don’t care even if she made the declaration for more publicity. See, that is the thing about publicity. One cannot gain it if the public isn’t ready to give it to them. So, JKR’s declaration is having this effect on people ONLY BECAUSE people are making a big deal out of it. That is what I thought about the “Potter Mania” that gripped people when the last book in the series came out and a lot of people complained about it. I don’t think JKR is at fault for this mania. The people who stand in lines outside bookstores for hours at end are responsible. People who rant and rave about Dumbledore’s sexuality, and how that has marred “children’s” literature for ever and how so many parents can never let their 7 year olds read these books now, are responsible. JKR is just a good business woman who has a good marketing team (with regards to “Potter mania” and NOT her declaration – I don’t believe the declaration was a marketing strategy).

Coming to “death of children’s literature” argument - it is NOT. It is not death of children’s literature because it is not children’s literature. Period. So stop moaning about that now. JKR herself said that she started the series with 11 year olds as main characters in her books but over the years, and as subsequent books came out, they have grown older. So the later books are targeted towards an older audience. In my opinion, parents who let their kids read the entire series under the assumption that it was meant for children, are not performing their parental duties. If you let your kids read the entire series knowing what the content was like and because you thought your kids were mature enough to deal with it, that’s a different matter. That is a parent exercising their judgment. In my opinion, parents should ALWAYS keep an eye on what their kids are watching, playing or reading. I never let my daughter deviate from ratings. Every single television program she watches is checked for age-ratings and is checked for appropriateness of content. I don’t summarily rely on the ratings either. I sometimes watch the program myself to see if it is appropriate for her. Or I ask other parents. Or read the information available on it. And I involve my daughter in the entire process by giving her the exact reason I don’t want her to watch/read that particular program/book. That makes it easier for her to accept the decision, even if she is not happy about it. Like she is not happy about my decision that she cannot read books 5-7 in the HP series. Why can’t she read them? Because they get more and more graphic as the series progresses and I am more concerned about my daughter reading about death and torture than I am about her finding out that a character is gay. I have agreed to read the 5th book and decide if she can read that but she can read books 6 & 7 only when she grows a little older (note to self: read all HP books in the next year or so, so that I am in a better position to make a decision). That also covers the complain that now parents cannot let their 7-8 year olds read the books. These parents shouldn’t have let their 7 year olds read the books even before the declaration – so the declaration hasn’t changed ANYTHING.

This brings me to the next question that naturally springs up in a parents’ mind. WHEN to discuss this with your children? There is no fixed formula. There is no fixed age. No timetable. Children mature at different rates and only their parents can judge what they are ready for. And these topics cannot be dealt with in a single discussion. One has to keep the communication channels open so that their kids can come to them any time and ask questions that have been bothering their little minds. So my daughter may have asked me “how are babies made” 4 times in the last 5 years and each time my answer would be modified keeping her age in mind. At age 3 she just needed to know that when mommy and daddy love each other very much, they get a baby. Then at age 5 I told her when mommy and daddy love each other, mommy gets a baby in her tummy. This gave rise to another question – how does the baby get out? It was easy for me to answer this truthfully without having to look for age-appropriate answers – “The doctor helped me get the baby out”. This satisfied her for a few months and then came the question “How did the doctor help you?” My answer was “They gave me some medicine to take the pain away and made a slit in my tummy and pulled the baby out”. She has been satisfied with that answer. I even showed her my C-section scar. I secretly hope that the scare of having her tummy slit open will put her off the idea of having sex for her entire life :D The point is, one cannot just have “the” discussion in one shot and hope to enlighten their kids for life. It has to be a series of conversations modified continuously according to the child’s age.

Being truthful while answering these questions is very important in my opinion. If our children know they can rely on us for truthful answers, they will come to us with their questions instead of turning to friends who can dole out potentially harmful information. Take STD (sexually transmitted diseases) for example. Would you want your child to learn from their friends that it is not possible to contract STDs from oral sex? (Completely untrue) Or would you rather they came to you asking “what’s an STD?” and you sat them down and explained what it is and how to avoid getting one? I know being an Indian, having grown up in the kind of environments we did, it is extremely difficult for us to be this open. I still get stressed out thinking how to explain puberty and periods to my daughter who needs to learn about it NOW. But that doesn’t mean I am not going to do it just because it is uncomfortable for me. I am talking to friends, pediatricians and teachers and reading books to see how I can deal with this matter in an age-appropriate way. We HAVE to learn to be open in our conversations with our kids. Communication is THE key. A friend once told me how another friend of hers slips contraceptive pills in her daughter’s milk every day. I think it is disgusting that she thinks it is OK to use the pill to prevent pregnancy but doesn’t have enough courage to talk to her daughter about safe sex. She is doing her daughter a disservice, in my opinion.

This is such a complex topic, and I have so many thoughts bubbling in my mind that I keep digressing. I have clear ideas about it but I just don’t know how to translate them into written words. Anyway, coming to the main question – How much to discuss? What to discuss? When to discuss?

How much? As much as their minds at their age can assimilate. The trick is to start out by giving just a trickle of information and then waiting. If they seem satisfied with the answer that means it was enough for them for now. If they ask you to elaborate further on the answer, let out another trickle. The key is to stop when they seem satisfied. And to never lie. If it is something you feel they shouldn’t know, or if you don’t know how to answer that, ask them for some time to find the answer. Library is a good source to find age-appropriate material dealing with all topics. My daughter heard the word “lesbian” on television on the news. She wanted to know what that meant and I told her when two women love each other and want to marry each other to spend their lives together, they are called lesbians. And when two men love each other and want to spend their lives together, they are gay. She was satisfied with that answer. I didn’t have to go into the details of gay and lesbian sex because that is not what she wanted to know. Did she lose her innocence just by knowing what the word meant? I don’t think so. She still thinks it is YUCKY!!!! when a boy kisses a girl on the lips! I do know that she doesn’t consider the word “lesbian” as something bad or dirty because my answer didn’t portray it as such. The other day she came to me and said “Do you know the word gay has another meaning? It means ‘happy’”. To me that is a sign that she has an open mind and doesn’t associate mere words rigidly with actions or twisted meanings like many people in today’s politically correct world do.

What? Whatever your child brings up. Truthfully. I cannot stress this enough – children know when we are lying or aren’t being completely truthful. There have been occasions when my daughter asked me questions I didn’t have an age-appropriate answer to. I asked her to give me some more time to find out the answer and I remembered to answer her question later because I didn’t want her to think that I was avoiding her either. No question is inappropriate. Only our thinking makes it so. They say “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. I say “Vulgarity lies in the ears of the listener”. I think we should teach them the correct names of body parts. So while “su su” is a commonly used name for a vagina or a penis in our family, my daughter also knows the correct names to these body parts. She thought the correct name for a penis was “wiener” and I had to correct her on that :P As for her mentioning these names at school in front of others and becoming the butt of everyone’s jokes – I don’t think that is a big deal. Some kids at school will make fun of you no matter what. And anyway, we have taught her that “bathroom words” are spoken in the privacy of one’s home only. And if in the course of a conversation, she does need to mention these body parts, I’d prefer she use the correct names instead of some dumbed down version.

When? Again – whenever they bring it up. Age doesn’t matter. The age-appropriateness of our answers does. So I definitely wouldn’t tell my daughter how exactly a baby gets into the mommy’s tummy until she is old enough. There IS something as taking things to the extreme and I think explaining in great detail to a 5 year old how babies are made is an example. Telling a kid what gay/lesbian means is NO BIG DEAL according to me. In fact, I believe the sooner we tackle these issues, the more chances that they will grow to be tolerant adults. Not only tolerant for gays or lesbians – I mean tolerant for different views and opinions. Sheltering kids from the fact that some families are different from theirs is not wise in my opinion. They should know, and they WILL accept it more easily than an adult would, that some families have only two daddies or two mommies and that it is perfectly normal. Our one chance of making this world a better place lies in our ability to make our children more tolerant of differing opinions, views and choices. If everyone worked on that I can bet that the coming generation will be much happier and calmer than ours.

There are other questions that MadMomma has raised in her recent post.

“Do you throw your kids out when you change?” I don’t. I even take my shower with the bathroom door open (and I always wonder that with such an open door policy why did we still have to go for IVF????) In fact, I start getting stressed out before my parents or ILs are about to visit us because I feel I might someday forget they are here and venture out of the bathroom in my birthday suit!! My older daughter is 9 and I still haven’t shut my doors on her. My husband never got completely nude in front of her but he never changed behind closed doors either. He would just use a towel.

“Have you warned your child about the good touch and bad touch? How? What are the words you use?” I have. I have told her that ANY touch that makes her feel uncomfortable is bad touch. I have educated her on what her “private parts” are. I taught her to clean her private parts when she was about 5 and even if J or I gave her a shower, we let her clean herself. This gave her the idea that it is never OK for ANYONE to touch her there (except if it is her doctor examining her with her mom present – she is not at that age yet though). I have discussed with her how she can come to me anytime if she has any concerns or questions. J still helps shampoo and condition her hair when she is in the shower and the nudity hasn’t bothered her yet. The day she begins getting conscious about that, J will stop. She has asked, and has been allowed, to lock the bathroom door when she is in there. We respect her privacy but do walk in after knocking if we absolutely need to.

Another question raised is “is it better to learn it from one’s peers as we did?” I say – NEVER! Your child could get wrong and potentially harmful information from his or her peers. It is better that you discuss these issues with your child. That serves another purpose besides educating them on whatever is being discussed. It keeps the communication channels open and your kids will feel comfortable coming to you if ever they are in trouble. A hypothetical situation – suppose my daughter were to get pregnant at an early age. Would I want her to go to her friends to find a solution? She could end up on a quack’s table trying to terminate the pregnancy because she is too scared of me to come to me for help. I would NEVER want her to end up in a situation like that but, God forbid, if she does, I would like to be the person she turns to for help. I can only achieve that if I keep the communication going and making it clear to her that no question is taboo. No topic is off limits for discussion. I fumbled my way through these questions in my teenage years and had I not had a good head on my shoulders and luck on my side, I could have very well made a wrong decision that would have ruined my life. I wouldn’t be here in that case. But I feel this journey would have been easier if I had an adult I could trust with my questions and opinions. My mom was a very good parent in this respect – she taught me to be open minded but somehow even she seemed out of reach when I had some doubts. I developed a close relationship with her later, when I was doing my Master’s but it would have been better if we had been that close during the earlier years.

“What about privacy between siblings?” Mad momma asks. Well, I grew up like she did. I shared my bedroom with my brother AND my cousin till I completed my Bachelor’s. No issues. I think it is ridiculous when parents nowadays insist on giving separate rooms to their kids of different genders. We knew all about the birds and the bees and we shared our bedrooms with our brothers/sisters. We also knew the sanctity of that relationship. I agree with MadMomma that we have too much sex on our mind. We make this issue so complex.

As for “the” talk – I’ll have that with my children when the time comes. But I am not keeping my relationship with my husband behind closed doors either (that DOES not mean we “do it” in front of the kids :P). Our older daughter has seen us kiss each other ON THE LIPS (YUCK!!!), hug each other and knows that we are really in love with each other. It is indeed a fine line – between being open about things that I think should be “normal” to her, like love and hugs and kisses, saying “I love you” etc. and yet not forcing too much information on her all at once. Till now, I think we are doing just fine. If not – well there’s always therapy!

Silly celebrations!

Ninni-the-Pooh is 4 months, 3 weeks and 2 days old today!

Mitthi-Mouse turns 9 in 3 days!

I like AP (arithmetic progression) series and numbers in multiples of each other :D

Look before you speak!

I was walking down the hallway to where my office is and as I passed a colleague's office, I heard him call out "Hello!". So I "helloed" back. Then he asked "Can you help me?". I was in a very chirpy, silly kind of mood so I said "NO!" and then peeked in to smile at him and ask him what it was that he needed help with. That's when I realized that he was talking to someone else on the phone!

Random Thought - 1

If you lie about your age, you better have a good memory and you better be pretty darn good in math!

They say I'm a Schmoozah!!

Suki and AA's Mom, that's who!

Enough has been written about what the word "schmoozer" means and how this award might apply to the blogs that have received it. At the risk of sounding preachy, I'll say this (heard it at the latest PTO council meeting) - "Define your own success". What I mean to say is - do not go by what the word means, because the word does conjure up a picture of a smooth talking, a** kissing slicker in one's mind. Instead, look at two things - the intentions of the person passing it on to you and your own interpretation of it. I personally never thought I could "network", unless, of course you are talking about networking computers, servers, switches and such - which is what I do for a living. But Suki and AA's Mom think otherwise. I am flattered! I am flattered that they thought enough of plain ol' me to include me on their list. And I interpret the word "schmoozer" to mean "I am easy to talk to" :) Yeah, thats right! So I AM a schmoozer, a'ight!

So, a BIG "Thank you" again ladies! Your kind words about me are much appreciated. And forgive me, but I am shamelessly going to copy-paste your comments about me here :D

Suki said: "her comments reflect her blogging personality (she meant "Getting There Now") perfectly. Often long, well thought out, sensitive and having a thesis of their own. Makes me want to add them to the post body sometimes! :)"

AA's Mom said: "for her parenting style seems similar to my Mom's and aim to be such a parent."

Almost everyone, and there are so many who deserve this, has already received this award. I'd like to pass on this award to a few who come readily to my mind, for the resons stated.

Sandeepa, IndoSunGod, Asha: For their efforts in setting up "Desi Momz Club" where all desi moms "network".

Asha (AGAIN): She is always there with encouraging words and her experiences to guide us. Most of the time, she is the first one to comment on new posts on Desi Momz Club.

DesiMomzClub: It does take a lot of effort to stay an active part of any group (I should know - I am a slacker!). All the members of this group pitch in to make this club a lively and interesting space.

There are so many others who are real big schmoozers (meant it in the most affectionate way people :D) in the blog world. This award is for all of them.

KUMON: How and why it works for us

Some time back I wrote a post on how parents sometimes push their kids unnecessarily to achieve academic excellence. In that post, I also mentioned KUMON - a chain of individually owned math and reading learning centers. One reader left a link in the comment section for an article that discusses a few drawbacks of the KUMON way of teaching math. I read that whole article twice - I swear! I agree with parts of it and there are parts (regarding trigonometry and calculus etc.) that we haven't gone through yet so those don't apply to us. Yet. I highly recommend that you read this article if you are thinking about signing up your kid(s) at KUMON. I am not going to discuss the article here. I am merely writing what works for us in the KUMON method. I am not saying it will, or should, work for other parents too. Every kid is different and what works for S might not work even for M, a few years from now. So, please take everything I am going to write with a grain of salt. Research the options out for yourself and then decide.

S started KUMON math program in August 2003, just before she started Kindergarten. I came to know about it through a friend who sent her son to a center for a brief time. S was a quiet kid from the beginning and we thought being good at something, like math, will give her self-esteem a boost. In the long term, we HAVE been proven correct. Also, I had heard that due to various factors, girls here lose interest in math and sience by the time they get to middle school. I was determined to prevent that from happening to my daughter. I wasn't going to let math become a "monster" to be afraid of. So, this is why our KUMON journey started.

Soon after she started, S began struggling with the homeworks. She would do all correctly, but would take 45 minutes or more to complete each homework. We began worrying if we pushed her in it too early because there is no way 45 minutes of homework is going to be good for a 5 year old. Thankfully, the owner of the franchise that S attended agreed with us. She said it should only take a child 5-7 minutes per homework, and no more than 10-12 minutes even if they take too long. So she reduced the number of pages that S was getting per homework. Once the load decreased, S also began taking more interest in doing her homework again. So, it has been this way ever since - we reduce the number of pages in her homework if she starts taking too long to finish and slowly increase it again once she finds a balance.

Another thing we always made sure of was to never push S into finishing a level fast. We let her take her own time and even let her repeat a level if she takes too long in that level's test (the objective is to complete one page in 1-3 minutes). After all, she is the one who will benefit if she masters the concepts at one level before advancing to the next one. Also, having to repeat a level has never been associated with failure in Kay household. It just indicates that some more time is needed to master the concepts. We do, however, try positive reinforcement to keep her motivated. So, every time S completes a level at KUMON, she gets to buy a board game or a book of upto $15 dollars in value. We are very rigid in enforcing the "board game or book" part. No soft toys, no video games or anything of that sort. She really looks forward to these opportunities. She only gets this gift if she has finished the level for good and doesn't have to repeat it. There are no penalties for repeating a level except that she has to wait longer to buy her gift.

Every year, when we mention that S is in the KUMON math program, her teachers ask us the same questions. How do we keep her interested (because it does tend to get repititive)? And since she is clearly ahead of grade level in math, how do we keep her interested in school work? For the first question, our answer is "Because we never gave her an option. KUMON homeworks are not optional, and she knows that. And, since she can herself see the progress she is making, she willingly does it now." As for the second question, we have noticed that the math that she learns at school is usually complementary to the math she does at KUMON. So, since KUMON math program doesn't really have many word-problems, the school curriculum helps her practice that part. KUMON math does not cover money math concepts while her school curriculum did. And, school curriculum also helps her revise the parts that she did long time ago at KUMON and has forgotten by now. For example, when she was doing multiplication in KUMON, her class teacher was still teaching subtraction. That helped because S was beginning to lose subtraction skills for lack of practice. And this year, she finishes her math classwork and then goes ahead and does extra with her teacher's permission. Which, in my opinion, shows a "will to learn" - a very important ingradient of success.

In my opinion, this is also teaching her a few other things. One - you have to do what you have to do. Meaning, even if you already know multiplication (or any other skill that is currently being taught in class), you have to do it as part of the school curriculum. You CANNOT get out of doing it just because you already know it. Two - never be smug about your math skills because though there are things you are very good at, there are some other skills that you need to work on, just like other kids. (Example - her struggles with money math last year) Three - practice makes perfect. This one she has experienced for herself and now realizes its importance (I hope!)

Almost everyone in our social circle, who has ever sent their kids to KUMON at one time or the other, has mentioned to us how their kids used to get "bored" with math at their school because they were ahead of the rest of their class. Most of them cited "boredom" as a reason for dropping out of the KUMON math program. I don't know why. As I mentioned earlier, it hasn't happened to S. And if it has, she hasn't mentioned to us - which is just as good because we would still have made her do it. "Bored" is a word I don't entertain. No way, no how! I know, I sound like a tyrant. Heck! I am a tyrant when it comes to studies. I know that is THE ONLY TICKET TO SUCCESS my daughters have. S does mention it when KUMON begins to become a burden of sorts. Then we let her take a break for a week or so. Every year, she gets a break form KUMON for one week each in summer and winter. And sometimes an extra week here or there if we feel (or if she says) it is becoming too much for her. That, I guess, prevents it from becoming a huge burden. By now, KUMON is a way of life for her. She remembers to do the homework every day without us having to remind her. I hope this will continue into her middle school and high school years. Because the skills that KUMON is teaching her reach far beyond just success in math. The discipline will definitely help her in other avenues in life. The skill to understand concepts on her own (of course she takes our help when she gest stuck) is going to prove important later in college. The perseverance she is learning in understanding tricky math concepts will pay off later in life.

Coming back to the article - I agree KUMON is not perfect. Nothing is. But we work hard at making it work for us. Like everything else in life. Nothing comes your way custom-made and ready to fit. You have to tuck here, nip there.

The author of the article suggests that parents should do every homework themselves along with the kids. I agree, but not completely. You don't need to do every single homework. You do need to know how to solve those problems and be able to explain to your kid(s) if the need arises. Having solved the problems yourself a few times does come in handy when you have to explain it to someone else.

We had signed S up for KUMON's reading program as well and she attended it for over 3 years. But then we learnt about SCORE's writing program. We liked the program and wanted to try it out. S loved it and even made some remarkable progress in her writing skills. but we had to take her off of the program. There were a few reasons. One - they weren't offering Writing as a stand-alone program. They wanted us to opt for the whole Math-Reading-Writing package. Since we were already very happy with the KUMON math and reading program, we decided not to join SCORE. Two - and this one was a biggie for me, I am not sure if other parents will feel the same way as I do - the SCORE program is COMPLETELY computer based. I mean, even the "writing" that S did was on a computer. Now, call me old-fashioned, but I believe a child should learn how to write well before graduating to typing. And, with all the typing, S was losing her handwriting skills fast. At KUMON, she is required to write everything - math answers as well as answers to the questions in her reading material. I like it that way. As I said - nothing is perfect. You have to work at making things fit you. We tried but we weren't able to compromise on these two issues regarding the SCORE program. I think we might give it another try a few years from now when S is done with KUMON (one can hope, right? :P)

Observations and conclusions - and a whole lot of other updates

Observation: The number of moms attending PTO and PTO Council meetings is greater than the number of dads.

Wrong Conclusion: Dads just aren't as interested in their kids' education as moms are.

Right Conclusion: Moms are here because dads are back home taking care of the kids.

Well, of course, it could be grandparents or uncles or aunts taking care of the kids as well, but I think most of the moms can get away to these meetings because dads agree to stay back and do the baby-duty. I know for sure that a few moms can't make it to the meetings because they don't get similar support from their partners. (Or are they using this just as an excuse not to attend these meeting? Hmmmm... The ever-skeptical me!)

I went to the monthly PTO council meeting yesterday. Apart from being a way of being involved in my daughter's education, it is also a means for me to understand the American school system. It helps to know the ins and outs of the system, I am realizing. And I sometimes regret not becoming a part of it earlier because S had to miss some good opportunities just because we weren't aware they existed. Anyway, no use crying over spilled milk.

In the meeting yesterday, I raised a question regarding the parent-teacher conferences. At the end of the meeting, a parent of a high school kid came to me and said he had been observing parents' participation in these meetings for the last couple of years and felt that the questions I raise are few but always very important. It felt good to get that kind of acknowledgment. This year I have limited my participation because of the baby but I am trying my hardest to do at least this much - two meetings every month. I attend the PTO council meeting every month and then report back on it to my daughter's school at the PTO meeting. Even this little bit is appreciated very much. I really like the way parents here can play an active role in their kids' schools. In India, we have to pay through our noses and still don't get a say in how our kids should be educated. [Please correct me if I am wrong and if things have changed now]

Now on to the "whole lot of other updates"...

On Sunday (October 21st) I and Ma went to a 5 mile walk that was raising money for Breast Cancer Research. I had my doubts - I thought I wouldn't be able to keep up with my mom who is in a better physical shape than I am. I knew I will be able to finish it but wasn't sure of the state I'd be in afterwards. My mother, on the other hand, was worried that she might not be able to keep up with me due to her age. I am happy to report that both our worries were unfounded. We both walked the 5 miles in 1 hour and 35 minutes!! This was a teeny bit faster than the 20-minute mile I was estimating and a LOT faster than the 30-minute mile J was predicting :) In fact we finished 25 minutes earlier than the rest of our team (this event was sponsored by my office)! And I wasn't in too much of discomfort afterwards. This walk had such a feel-good factor associated with it that now I want to go on another!

Rest all is well in Kay-ville. S has two swim meets coming up this weekend. And I have to plan her birthday party which is going to be a simple affair this year. S just wants to invite a few of her friends home and have a"Hannah Montana" party. And frankly, that is all I feel up to this year. There are a bunch of Diwali parties coming up too. And then there is the Thanksgiving get-together I have at our house every year. November 18th is scheduled for a math contest S is going to participate in. Halloween is around the corner as well. There is a party in S' school too and I have also signed up to volunteer at an event in her school. We have to go to a wedding right after Thanksgiving. All in all, very busy couple of months for us.

It worked. Really!

The idea of giving M cereal before bedtime so she'd be full and sleep longer? It worked!! I knew it would - but it still feels good to actually see it working :) At the same time we are now feeling bad that we kept her hungry all this time :D

Sunday night I had the longest, uninterrupted sleep in weeks. Whats more - M lovvvves the cereal! She gobbles it all up! Can't wait for me to fill up the spoon and bring it back to her :D And she even loves the water that let her sip on! What more could I ask for? A baby who loves her food and drink and sleeps most of the night - thats all!

Oh, and she is becoming chattier by the day! Last night, she woke up at 11:30 for her last feed of the day and was still wide awake after drinking up the milk and cereal concoction that I gave her, and more milk and a diaper change. And she was singing! She grabbed my chin and "sang" at the top of her voice. I didn't have the heart to interrupt her and waited for the song to finish. But another one started after this one - that is when J stepped in, scooped her up and "lullabied" her to sleep :P A good rest was had by all after that. NOT.

That was a curveball, wasn't it? Here I was raving about how M is sleeping through the night and all of a sudden she is not? Well, you see last night J made her cereal and fed her (I was away at a PTO Council meeting). He forgot that my instructions said "2 ounces of MILK + 2 heaped teaspoonfuls of rice cereal" and mixed 2 heaped teaspoons of rice cereal with water instead. M didn't like it and wanted to have nothing to do with it :P So he ended up giving her cereal from the bottle - which was again mixed with water and not milk. As a result, it wasn't filling enough for her and she woke up in 3 hours! But then we did give her milk+cereal then. She woke up again at 4:45 am and had another bottle of milk and then slept for another 3 hours or so - which is unusual. She wakes up in about 1.5 hours after her early morning feed. But all in all, at least M had a good night's sleep even if we didn't!

This baby of ours...

... is completely testing our limits of endurance.

She had started sleeping through the night pretty early - from 3 months of age. But now she is waking up every three hours after 12 am and WANTS TO PLAY AND TALK!!! Did that last night. Or should I say "this morning"? Poor dad stayed up with her from 3:30 am to 5:30 am. After that I took pity on him and took over :D Put her to bed in 8 minutes flat (yeah, yeah - all you supporters of J WILL say I got her when she was already tired but the fact remains that it was I who soothed her into a sleep :D). She woke up again at 6:30 am. I tell you - she is doing this JUST TO TEST OUR LIMITS!! Anyway, in Kay household these days, nana-nani's shift starts at 6:30 am. So I slept for another half hour after handing her ot my dad. I shudder to think what will become of us once my parents leave.

Before you start bashing me for sleeping soundly while my darling husband deals with the baby, I must tell you that we take turns taking care of her. So one night it's me and the next it is J and so on... Last night happened to be "his night". Hopefully, she will be so tired tonight that she will sleep straight through!

So, anyway - I think she is waking up so often because maybe she is hungry. So, starting this weekend (means tonight), I am going to give her cereal just before bed. Hope that'll hold her for the whole night.

Last night, when J was up with her - or lets say when M was up and J was sleeping with M in his lap, she kept looking at me (I opened my eyes just a "leetal" bit to see who she was speaking with) and calling out to me!! I think she has decided that I will be her playmate during the night. Maybe it is because of that "SuperMom" cape I wear that she thinks I can go without ANY sleep for 3 years in a row! I think I'll hide the cape tonight :D

In my thoughts...

She is going through exactly what I went through last year. Not exactly, but yes, the pain is the same. The reason is the same too.

All those memories have come rushing back. I remember each day of what I went through. I wish no one, who really wanted a child, had to go through this pain.

Heather, I have you and your family in my thoughts. I know you will bounce back - you are a strong woman. And know that I am rooting for you!

Like, dude! Uhhhh... listen up!!

PLEASE lets take a deep breath, speak slowly and leave out all the fillers - "like", "ummm", "err", "uhhh", "you know" - from our sentences.

It is, kinda like... uhhh... very irritating, uhhhh.... to listen to... you know... such a uhhhh... speech, you know?

Get what I'm, like, gettin' at??

Theory of Transference*

...of property.

I just remembered this incidence yesterday. This happened when J & I were doing our Master's from Indore University. The three of us - J, N (a dear friend) and I were sitting on the stairs in front of our department. N started teaseing me about how I was a pauper and J a prince!

N: J has a motorcycle, he has a house and a job. He even has lots of loyal friends. He has a great family and loads of money. What do you have?

[BTW - the last part of N's speech about J having loads of money was a LIE!! :D]

Me: Hmmmm.. I have J!!!

* trans·fer·ence /trænsˈfɜrəns, ˈtrænsfərəns/
–noun
1. the act or process of transferring.
2. the fact of being transferred.

Here you go...