How much is too much?

J K Rowling, with a simple revelation of Dumbledore’s sexual orientation, has set a lot of parents thinking about how and when to discuss the birds and the bees with their kids. Now - first about the revelation. How does it matter if Dumbledore is gay or straight? Why is it a big deal even if JKR did it for publicity? I, for one, don’t think she did it for publicity though I am in definite minority for thinking this. She was asked if Dumbledore ever fell in love with anyone and at that point JKR said what we know she said that caused such a furore.

Now, I haven’t EVER written a book but I remember reading an interview with an author (I forget the name) where the author discussed how he/she draws out various characters. And the author mentioned that after a while the characters begin taking a life of their own, that one just knows what they are like from that point on and their character just begins to fill out with all the details. It “comes to them” in a way. I found that idea fascinating. I mean, how can someone that YOU created, take life and develop a personality of their own? Isn’t that interesting? And I want to experience that for myself – etch a character and watch him/her develop his or her personality. For that I’ll have to write a book though, no? Well, that’s matter for another post. But coming back to the discussion – I think maybe that is what happened with Dumbledore. JKR created all these characters. Slowly they developed into their personalities and along the way JKR realized that Dumbledore was gay. Or maybe, when the story reached a certain point (by story I mean the WHOLE story in the 7 books) it was just a natural conclusion to draw. I don’t know. And I don’t care.

I don’t care that Dumbledore is gay and I don’t care that JKR declared it now. I don’t care even if she made the declaration for more publicity. See, that is the thing about publicity. One cannot gain it if the public isn’t ready to give it to them. So, JKR’s declaration is having this effect on people ONLY BECAUSE people are making a big deal out of it. That is what I thought about the “Potter Mania” that gripped people when the last book in the series came out and a lot of people complained about it. I don’t think JKR is at fault for this mania. The people who stand in lines outside bookstores for hours at end are responsible. People who rant and rave about Dumbledore’s sexuality, and how that has marred “children’s” literature for ever and how so many parents can never let their 7 year olds read these books now, are responsible. JKR is just a good business woman who has a good marketing team (with regards to “Potter mania” and NOT her declaration – I don’t believe the declaration was a marketing strategy).

Coming to “death of children’s literature” argument - it is NOT. It is not death of children’s literature because it is not children’s literature. Period. So stop moaning about that now. JKR herself said that she started the series with 11 year olds as main characters in her books but over the years, and as subsequent books came out, they have grown older. So the later books are targeted towards an older audience. In my opinion, parents who let their kids read the entire series under the assumption that it was meant for children, are not performing their parental duties. If you let your kids read the entire series knowing what the content was like and because you thought your kids were mature enough to deal with it, that’s a different matter. That is a parent exercising their judgment. In my opinion, parents should ALWAYS keep an eye on what their kids are watching, playing or reading. I never let my daughter deviate from ratings. Every single television program she watches is checked for age-ratings and is checked for appropriateness of content. I don’t summarily rely on the ratings either. I sometimes watch the program myself to see if it is appropriate for her. Or I ask other parents. Or read the information available on it. And I involve my daughter in the entire process by giving her the exact reason I don’t want her to watch/read that particular program/book. That makes it easier for her to accept the decision, even if she is not happy about it. Like she is not happy about my decision that she cannot read books 5-7 in the HP series. Why can’t she read them? Because they get more and more graphic as the series progresses and I am more concerned about my daughter reading about death and torture than I am about her finding out that a character is gay. I have agreed to read the 5th book and decide if she can read that but she can read books 6 & 7 only when she grows a little older (note to self: read all HP books in the next year or so, so that I am in a better position to make a decision). That also covers the complain that now parents cannot let their 7-8 year olds read the books. These parents shouldn’t have let their 7 year olds read the books even before the declaration – so the declaration hasn’t changed ANYTHING.

This brings me to the next question that naturally springs up in a parents’ mind. WHEN to discuss this with your children? There is no fixed formula. There is no fixed age. No timetable. Children mature at different rates and only their parents can judge what they are ready for. And these topics cannot be dealt with in a single discussion. One has to keep the communication channels open so that their kids can come to them any time and ask questions that have been bothering their little minds. So my daughter may have asked me “how are babies made” 4 times in the last 5 years and each time my answer would be modified keeping her age in mind. At age 3 she just needed to know that when mommy and daddy love each other very much, they get a baby. Then at age 5 I told her when mommy and daddy love each other, mommy gets a baby in her tummy. This gave rise to another question – how does the baby get out? It was easy for me to answer this truthfully without having to look for age-appropriate answers – “The doctor helped me get the baby out”. This satisfied her for a few months and then came the question “How did the doctor help you?” My answer was “They gave me some medicine to take the pain away and made a slit in my tummy and pulled the baby out”. She has been satisfied with that answer. I even showed her my C-section scar. I secretly hope that the scare of having her tummy slit open will put her off the idea of having sex for her entire life :D The point is, one cannot just have “the” discussion in one shot and hope to enlighten their kids for life. It has to be a series of conversations modified continuously according to the child’s age.

Being truthful while answering these questions is very important in my opinion. If our children know they can rely on us for truthful answers, they will come to us with their questions instead of turning to friends who can dole out potentially harmful information. Take STD (sexually transmitted diseases) for example. Would you want your child to learn from their friends that it is not possible to contract STDs from oral sex? (Completely untrue) Or would you rather they came to you asking “what’s an STD?” and you sat them down and explained what it is and how to avoid getting one? I know being an Indian, having grown up in the kind of environments we did, it is extremely difficult for us to be this open. I still get stressed out thinking how to explain puberty and periods to my daughter who needs to learn about it NOW. But that doesn’t mean I am not going to do it just because it is uncomfortable for me. I am talking to friends, pediatricians and teachers and reading books to see how I can deal with this matter in an age-appropriate way. We HAVE to learn to be open in our conversations with our kids. Communication is THE key. A friend once told me how another friend of hers slips contraceptive pills in her daughter’s milk every day. I think it is disgusting that she thinks it is OK to use the pill to prevent pregnancy but doesn’t have enough courage to talk to her daughter about safe sex. She is doing her daughter a disservice, in my opinion.

This is such a complex topic, and I have so many thoughts bubbling in my mind that I keep digressing. I have clear ideas about it but I just don’t know how to translate them into written words. Anyway, coming to the main question – How much to discuss? What to discuss? When to discuss?

How much? As much as their minds at their age can assimilate. The trick is to start out by giving just a trickle of information and then waiting. If they seem satisfied with the answer that means it was enough for them for now. If they ask you to elaborate further on the answer, let out another trickle. The key is to stop when they seem satisfied. And to never lie. If it is something you feel they shouldn’t know, or if you don’t know how to answer that, ask them for some time to find the answer. Library is a good source to find age-appropriate material dealing with all topics. My daughter heard the word “lesbian” on television on the news. She wanted to know what that meant and I told her when two women love each other and want to marry each other to spend their lives together, they are called lesbians. And when two men love each other and want to spend their lives together, they are gay. She was satisfied with that answer. I didn’t have to go into the details of gay and lesbian sex because that is not what she wanted to know. Did she lose her innocence just by knowing what the word meant? I don’t think so. She still thinks it is YUCKY!!!! when a boy kisses a girl on the lips! I do know that she doesn’t consider the word “lesbian” as something bad or dirty because my answer didn’t portray it as such. The other day she came to me and said “Do you know the word gay has another meaning? It means ‘happy’”. To me that is a sign that she has an open mind and doesn’t associate mere words rigidly with actions or twisted meanings like many people in today’s politically correct world do.

What? Whatever your child brings up. Truthfully. I cannot stress this enough – children know when we are lying or aren’t being completely truthful. There have been occasions when my daughter asked me questions I didn’t have an age-appropriate answer to. I asked her to give me some more time to find out the answer and I remembered to answer her question later because I didn’t want her to think that I was avoiding her either. No question is inappropriate. Only our thinking makes it so. They say “Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. I say “Vulgarity lies in the ears of the listener”. I think we should teach them the correct names of body parts. So while “su su” is a commonly used name for a vagina or a penis in our family, my daughter also knows the correct names to these body parts. She thought the correct name for a penis was “wiener” and I had to correct her on that :P As for her mentioning these names at school in front of others and becoming the butt of everyone’s jokes – I don’t think that is a big deal. Some kids at school will make fun of you no matter what. And anyway, we have taught her that “bathroom words” are spoken in the privacy of one’s home only. And if in the course of a conversation, she does need to mention these body parts, I’d prefer she use the correct names instead of some dumbed down version.

When? Again – whenever they bring it up. Age doesn’t matter. The age-appropriateness of our answers does. So I definitely wouldn’t tell my daughter how exactly a baby gets into the mommy’s tummy until she is old enough. There IS something as taking things to the extreme and I think explaining in great detail to a 5 year old how babies are made is an example. Telling a kid what gay/lesbian means is NO BIG DEAL according to me. In fact, I believe the sooner we tackle these issues, the more chances that they will grow to be tolerant adults. Not only tolerant for gays or lesbians – I mean tolerant for different views and opinions. Sheltering kids from the fact that some families are different from theirs is not wise in my opinion. They should know, and they WILL accept it more easily than an adult would, that some families have only two daddies or two mommies and that it is perfectly normal. Our one chance of making this world a better place lies in our ability to make our children more tolerant of differing opinions, views and choices. If everyone worked on that I can bet that the coming generation will be much happier and calmer than ours.

There are other questions that MadMomma has raised in her recent post.

“Do you throw your kids out when you change?” I don’t. I even take my shower with the bathroom door open (and I always wonder that with such an open door policy why did we still have to go for IVF????) In fact, I start getting stressed out before my parents or ILs are about to visit us because I feel I might someday forget they are here and venture out of the bathroom in my birthday suit!! My older daughter is 9 and I still haven’t shut my doors on her. My husband never got completely nude in front of her but he never changed behind closed doors either. He would just use a towel.

“Have you warned your child about the good touch and bad touch? How? What are the words you use?” I have. I have told her that ANY touch that makes her feel uncomfortable is bad touch. I have educated her on what her “private parts” are. I taught her to clean her private parts when she was about 5 and even if J or I gave her a shower, we let her clean herself. This gave her the idea that it is never OK for ANYONE to touch her there (except if it is her doctor examining her with her mom present – she is not at that age yet though). I have discussed with her how she can come to me anytime if she has any concerns or questions. J still helps shampoo and condition her hair when she is in the shower and the nudity hasn’t bothered her yet. The day she begins getting conscious about that, J will stop. She has asked, and has been allowed, to lock the bathroom door when she is in there. We respect her privacy but do walk in after knocking if we absolutely need to.

Another question raised is “is it better to learn it from one’s peers as we did?” I say – NEVER! Your child could get wrong and potentially harmful information from his or her peers. It is better that you discuss these issues with your child. That serves another purpose besides educating them on whatever is being discussed. It keeps the communication channels open and your kids will feel comfortable coming to you if ever they are in trouble. A hypothetical situation – suppose my daughter were to get pregnant at an early age. Would I want her to go to her friends to find a solution? She could end up on a quack’s table trying to terminate the pregnancy because she is too scared of me to come to me for help. I would NEVER want her to end up in a situation like that but, God forbid, if she does, I would like to be the person she turns to for help. I can only achieve that if I keep the communication going and making it clear to her that no question is taboo. No topic is off limits for discussion. I fumbled my way through these questions in my teenage years and had I not had a good head on my shoulders and luck on my side, I could have very well made a wrong decision that would have ruined my life. I wouldn’t be here in that case. But I feel this journey would have been easier if I had an adult I could trust with my questions and opinions. My mom was a very good parent in this respect – she taught me to be open minded but somehow even she seemed out of reach when I had some doubts. I developed a close relationship with her later, when I was doing my Master’s but it would have been better if we had been that close during the earlier years.

“What about privacy between siblings?” Mad momma asks. Well, I grew up like she did. I shared my bedroom with my brother AND my cousin till I completed my Bachelor’s. No issues. I think it is ridiculous when parents nowadays insist on giving separate rooms to their kids of different genders. We knew all about the birds and the bees and we shared our bedrooms with our brothers/sisters. We also knew the sanctity of that relationship. I agree with MadMomma that we have too much sex on our mind. We make this issue so complex.

As for “the” talk – I’ll have that with my children when the time comes. But I am not keeping my relationship with my husband behind closed doors either (that DOES not mean we “do it” in front of the kids :P). Our older daughter has seen us kiss each other ON THE LIPS (YUCK!!!), hug each other and knows that we are really in love with each other. It is indeed a fine line – between being open about things that I think should be “normal” to her, like love and hugs and kisses, saying “I love you” etc. and yet not forcing too much information on her all at once. Till now, I think we are doing just fine. If not – well there’s always therapy!