Fair is fair...

I like for things to be in a balance. Maybe it is another OCD of mine! I just did a post on judging others. Now I am going on the other side of the fence and writing down what I admire in others. I always try to find something to admire in everyone - even in people I dislike.

1. I admire people who can stand up for themselves. Over the past three years, I have had the chance to work with a few women who know how to demand respect and who stand up for themselves. I've learnt a lot from them.

2. I admire men who respect their wives for their capabilities. I admire men who treat women as their equals. It is sad that I have to admire men for being the way they should be anyways, but seeing as how few of them there are, I admire those who stand apart.

3. I admire parents who have more patience than I do :D

4. I admire people who can say "I was wrong. I am sorry". It takes a lot of courage to do that.

5. I admire people who stand up for others. It is very easy to defend your own rights but very difficult to stick your neck out for others.

6. I admire those who can conduct an argument without yelling or uttering obscenities. It takes a lot of restraint I think :)

7. I admire those who can stick to their convictions/opinions even if the whole world turns against them. It takes a special kind of perseverance.

8. I admire parents who can accept their mistakes in front of their kids. I admire parents who help their kids be independent even if it means making an occasional wrong choice. Being a parent I know how tough it is to watch your kids make mistakes but I also know how important it is to give them the chance to do so and learn life's important lessons through them.

Now I tag my fellow judges to come on to this side of the fence and write about the people/traits they admire. MadMomma, Gauri, Kiran, Rohini, Tharini, Kodi's Mom, SS, Grail, Lumi, MintChutney, OJ, Boo, Poppins, Trishna, Itchingtowrite, ArtNavy, SM, Anisha, Orchid, Broom and HiphopGMom - Tag! You're ALL "it". Anyone else who wants to pick it up - please do!

Judgment Day: The verdict is out!

I emotionally blackmailed MadMomma into tagging me for this. I am to confess how judgmental I am of other people. Broom started this tag and after reading her post I was forced to do some soul searching. I found out I am not as non-judgmental as I'd like to think. On the bright side though, I am less so now than before. I do have strong opinions on many matters but I think there is a fine line between "strong opinions" and "judging". So I deeply analyzed my beliefs and came up with this list. The rest of the things I criticize? Honey, I am just expressing a "strong opinion" then :P

1. I judge people who have different standards/expectations for boys and girls. I judge gender stereotyping. I have an opinion about dressing them in pink and blue but that I can live with. It’s the bigger issues like education, marriage, work that get my goat (and cow, and sheep and all other livestock!! :D) A friend once said (when his wife was pregnant with their first one) “If it is a girl, we will go back to India because girls need to stay close to family and learn about love and respect”. WTF?? Don’t boys need to learn that too? And who says you can only do that when you live close to them?

2. I judge people (and I have said that in my comment on Mad Momma’s post) who send their kids to India, or to another city if they themselves live in India, to be raised by grandparents. Having the grandparents help out temporarily might be fine (I am waaaaaaaay too judgmental on this, you can tell) but when you have gotten your act together, PLEASE go get your children back. I am not talking about people who do that out of necessity. I am talking about those who send their 2-3 year olds (even younger) to India because they don't want the American culture to influence them (I HAVE seen this!) or just so the wife can go out to work too (seen that too and much as I am an advocate of WOHMs, I draw the line at this. I would stay at home if I had no where to send my kids except to a different city/country to live with my parents) Kids should ALWAYS stay with their parent(s) (except in abusive relationships). No one can care for a child more than the parents. Just for the record – I love my parents deeply and get along very well with them. I know they will take good care of my daughters, but still I think only I can take better care of them. (overconfidence, I know!)

3. I judge men who don’t treat their wives with respect. Men who think their wives are capable of nothing except cooking and taking care of their homes. I judge men who treat women with disrespect just because they are women, and hence “lower in intelligence than them”. I judge women who think men are superior to them. I judge women who cannot stand up to their husbands’ atrocious behaviors. I judge women who cannot stand up for themselves. For some time, right after getting married, I was one of those women. So I judge myself – harshly. But I overcame that and learnt to stand up for myself. So can others.

4. I judge non-parents. These are parents who do not control/discipline their kids and let them run amok anywhere and everywhere. These non-parents don’t teach their kids to respect other people, their feelings or properties. These non-parents always say “What can I do? He/She doesn’t even listen to me!” I always say to them – remember who the parent is and parenting becomes easier.

5. I judge people who are not kind and polite to other people who might be lower in social status than them. Everyone knows how to be polite to their peers and superiors. It is people who are polite to even the disadvantaged around them who earn my respect. I judge people who are disrespectful towards their elders. If I see a kid under the age of 5 (because after that they should know better) being disrespectful, I judge their parents for not teaching them the right values.

6. I judge managers who don’t treat their subordinates with respect. I have been that kind of manager and I judge myself harshly. I am a better person for it but I still regret ever having been like that.

7. I judge people who do not take any steps/actions to improve their status in life – spiritually or financially or any other way possible. I judge them when they complain about their lives but make no effort to improve it.

8. I judge people who don’t wash their hands. Yes! This one habit can protect you and those around you, from numerous colds and other infections. I judge those who don’t maintain hygiene. I don’t mind messy, but dirty I can’t stand.

9. I judge religious fanatics who try to impose their beliefs on others. I respect all religions and religious choices. But I want an equal respect for mine.

10. I judge those who cannot bear to see other people’s progress. Or their new house. Or the pool in their backyard :D I judge those who are so insecure that other people’s success irritates them. I judge people who, because of their insecurities, consider themselves better than others. Let’s face it – no one is better than others in ALL aspects. We all have our weaknesses and strengths.

11. I judge people who are not comfortable in their own skins.

12. I judge pessimists. People who only see the grey or black, or think only about why something shouldn’t be done or could fail. I am a glass-half-full kind of gal myself.

Now I tag my "judging peers" - Kiran, Grail, SS, Anumita, MintChutney, Anisha, Something To Say, Lumi, Ardra , Boo, and OJ. And everyone else who would like to do this tag.

How could I forget this???

In my last post I absolutely forgot the best part - how J proposed to me. I started writing the post because I wanted to share and record that and by the time I got to the end, it completely slipped my mind! Given my swiss chesse memory, its not surprising. A lot of post worthy ideas have been boiling in my mind but either I don't ge the time or by the time I sit down to blog, they vanish.

Lionel Richie's "Hello" is my favorite song. Why? Because....

In April'92 when J finally decided to propose again, this is what he did. He recorded an audio
cassette for me (we used to do that a lot - record audio cassettes for each other as gifts) and gave it to me with the explicit instruction of calling him once I'd listened to the first song. So I popped the cassette in the cassette player as soon as I got home and this is the song that played. "Hello". Even now, when I listen to this song, I get goose bumps. Especially when I get to the part "I can see it in your eyes... I can see it in your smile... You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide..."

I did call him as soon as the song finished. I don't remember what he asked or what my reply was but it must have been "yes" because its been over 15 years and we are still together. And still in love...

Updated: GGOP pointed out a huge mistake in my post - I was talking about the Lionel Richie song and put down the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's song. How embarassing is that? Especially when you have just proclaimed that song to be your favorite?! In my defense though - I am really messed up with sleep deprivation. Thanks GGOP!

Must have been the Fates*

Grail said "tell me your engagement story". Well this isn't exactly an engagement story, but this is what led to the engagement.

I always wanted to be a surgeon. A neuro-surgeon at that. And I was pretty serious about that. This was not just a childhood ambition, it was a much thought-out, family-supported, suits-my-temperament-and-talents kind of career choice. Then suddenly, in grade 12 just before finals, I changed my mind. Just like that. No questions, no explanations. Now I wanted to study Electronics/Computers. Go the MCA/MBA route to get a good degree and then a good job - fast. Luckily, my parents never forced their opinions or decisions on me. So even though they were convinced that I was making a mistake, they let me do this. And for this I am eternally grateful to them. I have seen way too many lives messed up because parents tried to live their lives through their kids by forcing their decision upon them. Anyway, I digress...

So, I made a choice and stuck to it. Opted for Mathematics, Electronics and Physics in B.Sc. Wasn't too motivated to study though - B.Sc. was just a necessary evil I had to put up with in order to do MCA or MBA, because both these courses required a bachelor's degree. I studied just enough to score a first division. Then, one day in Dec '89/Jan '90 something happened that would change the course of my life. We didn't get our regular English Newspaper (Times Of India) that day. Instead, the newspaper-wallah threw a copy of Hindustan Times on our porch. And thus started a twist in my fate which would otherwise not have happened.

A little before this, my mother had caught me skipping classes at college to go out with 3 of my friends one of whom was my boyfriend. We had recently had a tiff and were trying to sort that out - the other two friends acting as mediators (it was a big "tiff"). Mom didn't approve of me having a boyfriend, nor did she approve of this particular boyfriend. So, in the evening she had a lengthy discussion with me, during which I told her that I was sure of my choice and wouldn't budge. As I said earlier, my parents never forced their opinions or decisions on me. So Ma grudgingly accepted my decision on one condition - I wouldn't even think about marriage until I finished my studies and had a good job. This is exactly what I had in mind too, so I agreed.

As it happened, the day we received the copy of Hindustan Times, the newspaper ran an ad for a Master's program in Indore, run by Indore University. This was different from other MCA programs - this had both, computer and management subjects. The curriculum looked good. It was a Master's degree program and accredited by some government organization for technical courses. I looked at it and knew that I wanted to do this. There was only one problem - my dad would never let me go out of town, much less out of state, to study. He had always been overprotective of me. And it wasn't like my town had any dearth of good schools. It had reputed medical and engineering colleges. And an MBA program that people from all over the state, and even from other states came to attend. So I chucked the thought of going to Indore to do MCM (Master of Computer Management) out of my mind. Then one day my mom asked me if I had any plans for my future once I completed my Bachelor's. I was in the final year then. I mentioned the MCM program to her and said "Pa isn't going to let me go anyway". To my surprise she said she or my dad would never stop me from going anywhere if it were for further studies. So I applied for the program but never got an application form back from them. I assumed that either the admissions were closed or I had been disqualified. But my cousin, who lived in Indore, followed up with the university and they said I could still appear for the entrance exam because there has been some glitch in sending out the forms. This was barely 2 days before the exam. I took the exam without any preparations and, to my surprise, cleared it!! Then I was called for a group discussion which I cleared too and then for a personal interview. After so many hurdles, I finally got accepted into the program!

Classes started in July '90. On around tenth day, I saw a new face in the library. By then I had made myself comfortable in the department and was being my usual cheerful, loud self - even in the library! So when I saw this new, shy face outside the library, I invited him in saying "Consider this your own library. Come on in!!" Got a shy smile in return. A few days passed. I found out that the "new face" was in my class. His name was J. Gradually we started exchanging hellos. Then we became friends. Exchanged notes, sometimes did our labs together. By September of that year we had become very good friends. We studied together, exchanged notes, did our labs together, exchanged novels and poetry and even sat together in class.

One day, J came in with a long face. Upon much prodding, he blurted out that other students in our class were gossiping about us and that he was very disturbed about it. He said he didn't want my name to be maligned by these gossip mongers so it was best we stopped talking to each other. I was furious! I wasn't going to let a good friend go just because some people couldn't imagine in their petty minds that a boy and a girl could be "just friends"! And besides, I already had a boyfriend. I had already told J about my boyfriend back home. (He wasn't actually "back home". He was in another city, studying engineering) So, we continued our friendship. By the end of that year, we had added 4 others to our group and we were all inseparable - Roopali, Ashish, Nandita, Nikhil, myself and J. By Valentine's day next year, I had a feeling that J, MAYBE, liked me. But I knew he knew about my boyfriend so didn't think much of it.

On April 1st 1991, J handed me a card when I got to college. In it he professed his love for me in the most beautiful words. I was speechless and heartbroken. Because I understood his pain. To love someone and not be reciprocated is the saddest thing. Then J handed me another card - an April Fool's card! And J made fun of me saying he didn't love me. He only said it as an April Fool's joke. We both laughed and our friendship continued as before.

In September, my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend started getting rocky. I finally realized that he didn't respect me or my career choice (he actually made fun of it because I wasn't studying engineering or medicine and isn't that what you're supposed to study if you are really sincere about your career?) So, I broke it off with him. Before doing that I confided in J (we were best friends after all) who tried hard to dissuade me from making this decision. I didn't listen to him. That break-up and its fall-out is in itself material for another post. Life went on as usual.

After about 3-4 months, Ashish - another dear friend of mine, took me aside and asked me if I was aware of J's feelings for me. I said I was. He asked what was keeping me from reciprocating those feelings openly because he knew I cared for him too. I told him I didn't want to make another relationship-mistake so I wanted to take my own time before making a decision. He said he'd wait for it. Some more time went by. By March '92 I was sure I cared deeply for J too and he must have sensed it because on April 7, 1992 he proposed again. This time, I accepted.

*Fates: Fates Greek & Roman Mythology. The three goddesses, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, who control human destiny. Used with the.

Observation...

Wednesdays are bad days to have a headache. You have Thursday and Friday ahead of you. Not to mention, swim practice. For the older one. Who needs to be dropped off at the Y. And guess who's driving?

In fact, ANY day is a bad day to have a headache right now. Especially when the headache seems to be a migraine. And when the baby is screaming her head off in your ear.

Month One...

...went by pretty quickly. And there is so much I want to share. So much I want to record. Somewhere I feel bad that I didn't get to do this for S. But, blogging wasn't around at that time (or if it was, I wasn't aware of it) and I am not much of a scrapbook kind of person. I'll try and remember things about S when she was at a similar stage and record them here. Actually, I don't want to record just Baby M's milestones. I want to record OUR milestones together - as parents, as older sister, as the new baby in the family. I am too lazy, no make that BUSY, to record all these milestones separately.

Sometimes I look at Baby M and realize that I never got to see that stage of S just because when she was born in Indore, I would hardly get her. She was always in someone else's arms. And since I didn't nurse her much, I didn't have even that excuse to keep her with me. Some would call it the benefit of living in a joint family - that there were so many to take care of her. I and J think of it as a drawback. We never got to spend that precious time with our daughter. We wouldn't have minded sharing her, but sometimes I feel like we had to give her up. And the fact is that no one shared the responsibilities - they were all ours. We hardly got any help. Anyway, that's in the past. And material for another post. One that I don't feel inclined to write/revisit anyway.

The first thing we realized as new parents this time was that we were so relaxed. I mean, no relatives clamoring to hold your baby, no unsolicited advices (well, not entirely true - but that is material for another post - hopefully coming up soon), no one trying to implement their parenting techniques behind our backs and no one snatching Baby M from my arms when she cried saying "Give her to me - you are making her cry!". (Yup! That did happen when I had S)

I stayed in the hospital for four nights and was discharged on Saturday. Friday night, as every other night, I sent Baby M to the nursery after feeding her, but then somehow couldn't sleep and got this uneasiness in my chest. Somehow I was certain that Baby M was not doing very well and needed me. So I got out of my bed and went to the nursery just to check. There the nurse told me that her temperature had gone down so low that she had to be put under the warming lamps. She was doing fine by then. I brought her back and kept her with me all night after that - I think (somehow, I can't remember much of the time that I spent in the hospital)

Saturday, we came home and our life as a family of four started. Its been a fast month. Baby M has grown so much, and we have come to know how we have grown since we had S more than 8 years ago. Every day brings some new experiences. And as I was telling a friend of mine - each day also brings confirmation of which "system" of hers is now working :D For example, now we know she has strong lungs because she can scream. About two weeks back, when Baby M stopped crying upon hearing her big sister's voice, it was confirmed that her hearing is fine too! Then last week we knew her eyes are perfect when she started following us around the room with her eyes. Lungs - check. Ears - check. Eyes - check. Apetite - check. Will keep updating the "inventory" as time goes by :D

Baby M has the kind of hair that stands up ALL THE TIME - much like Mad Momma's Grouchy Max :D When I was in the hospital, I thought the nurses were just having some fun trying to shape her hair like a mohawk. But the first time I gave her a bath I realized that her hair does that on its own. Now, S lovingly shapes it into a Mohawk every day!

My first thought when I looked at Baby M was "Oh my Gosh!! I'd forgotten that they come so tiny!!" She was so tiny (6 lbs 6 oz at birth and 5lbs 11 oz when discharged from the hospital) that she would get lost even in Newborn sized clothing! And she just loved to pull her feet up and scrunch up like a ball which often resulted in tangled limbs inside body suits or a bunched up M with the feet of the body suit left hanging limply. And then she would scream at the top of her lungs to be freed from it! Now she has started filling up those newborn sized body suits better. And doesn't look like a "bodysuit on a hanger" anymore.

One thing in which she is exactly like S is that she loves the massages and bath time rituals. She cries her head off when I take the clothes off but once I start massaging or when I pour water on her she just gets quiet and looks around as if saying "Who? Me? No! I wasn't screaming!"

And like S, she likes a good night's sleep. Since the age of about 1 week, she hasn't taken more than one feed during the night. Of course, she goes to bed late at around 1 or 2 am, but she eats only every 4-5 hours which is VERY good for a newborn, I say. Her doctor did tell me not to let her sleep for more than 5 hours without eating but she regularly sleeps for 4-5 hours during night time. During the day she feeds more frequently - about every 2.5 - 3 hours or so. So all is good on that front. S did that too - started sleeping through the night pretty early but being a first-time parent then, I'd wake her up every 2-3 hours and feed her. Then her pediatrician yelled at me (sort of) saying "Moms all around the world are trying to get their babies to sleep longer and you are waking yours up??" :P Never made that mistake again :D

One area where M is different from S is swaddling. S loved it. So much so that she wouldn't go to sleep without being swaddled. It became so much of a problem later that I had to "train" her to sleep without swaddling at three months. But M dislikes it totally. So I let her sleep without swaddling during the day. But at night, when she is very tired but unable to sleep on her own (and keeps hitting herself in the face with her fist :D), I swaddle her tight. She hates it and strains against it to get free but I just hold her legs down gently for a few minutes until she falls asleep.

There is so much more to record - my birthing experience this time, my memories from the first time, the annoying advices and some friends' hospital visits, my on-going struggle with lactation, times when I got frustrated because of that, how we coped being alone at this time, how S is coping etc. So much to write, so little time! Hope I get around to it soon.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

I started a post. Was almost half-way through it.

I saved it as a draft.

I wanted to select all text so I placed the cursor at the beginning of the post and pressed Shift and down arrow together till I reached the end of the post. I pressed down arrow once more by mistake. ALL CONTENT DISAPPEARED! (Stupid, STUPID Blogger!!)

Blogger auto-saved my post (which was now blank) just that instant! (Again - STUPID Blogger!!!)

Blogger sometimes makes me want to tear my hair out!!

PS: And there is no option in the settings to disable the auto-save feature.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!

Information overload!!

Rohini tagged me. I am required to list 8 things about myself that you don't know. So here goes...

1. I didn't have any friends till 7th grade. I was incredibly shy but don't remember feeling lonely. In 7th grade, I morphed into this confident, sociable girl who was popular and had lots of friends. But even now, I am a little shy with new people and perfectly comfortable being alone.

2. I don't mind asking for help if I am stuck with something but I get extremely irritated if someone forces help on me. Not gracious in those moments at all!

3. I used to be very "obsessive compulsive" about a lot of things. Loading the dishes a particular way in the dishwasher, counting things (yes, counting!) like my daughter's building blocks etc. Yes, there was a time when I remembered exactly how many pieces EACH of her toys had! And she had MANY, believe me. Perks of being an only child. Folding laundry was another - it HAD to be folded a particular way or I would re-fold it. All this made it very difficult for J or S to help me out with household chores. Once I started working full time and realized that this behavior was stressing me out, I tried setting priorities and sticking to them. So, getting the dishwasher loaded was a priority, making sure that all the items were lined up by size was not! Well, my OCD hasn't gone away completely (I still like to sort out spoons, forks, knives and such before running the dishwasher :D) but is well under control!

4. A few more "eccentricities" that are borderline OCD - I don't like to keep pens without their caps. If I lose a pen's cap, I throw the pen away. I like full sets of things. So, if I lose say, one spoon out of a whole set of 64 utensils, I start thinking about buying another set. Thankfully, this (and the previously mentioned compulsion of counting things) also means that I rarely lose things. In my 8 years of housekeeping, I have lost one knife (I know where I lost it! It was hundreds of miles away from home in Pennsylvania, otherwise I'd have gone and picked it up from the trash can I accidentally threw it in:P) and one spoon (well - I haven't written that off yet. I am still hoping to find it buried under some stuff). Yes, I still have the set that knife belonged to but I AM buying a new one next year! And the cutlery set used to be the one I used for special occasions (when entertaining guests) but ever since I lost the spoon, I have taken it out for daily use and will be buying a new one soon. I am obsessive compulsive, but I am also VERY concious of our budget - so I plan for buying these things. (The knife set I am looking to buy is $200 and the cutlery set that I would like to buy is somewhere around $100).

5. I have ZERO interest in fashion. I could care less if the dress I am wearing is from 3 years ago and is no longer in style as long as I am comfortable in it and it looks good on me. Part of it is due to the fact that I DO NOT like to follow others. So, if everyone else is following a trend, guess what will I be doing? That's right! NOT following it :D The only part of my appearance that I am particular about is my hair "style". I like keeping my hair short - very short. If it starts touching my collar at the back of my neck, it is too long! And I am so particular about the cut that I drive 90+ miles to Piscataway, NJ to get my haircut from the owner of one particular salon. I know. C-R-A-Z-Y!!

6. I don't know how to apply make-up. ***GASP***!!!!!! Now the secret is out! The only "makeup" I indulge in is perfume. (I ***Heart*** "Opium" from St. Yves) I do know how to apply lipstick and mascara. But I prefer applying vaseline on my lips and the mascara always runs or I rub it out within two hours of applying it. I do own a few sticks/vials of lipgloss that I use occasionally. I apply nailpolish very occasionally and end up removing it before the week is out.

7. Dishwashing is a comforting activity for me. I like doing it specially when I need some time alone and need to think over something. The soap suds and the warm water soothe my senses and so does the realization that I am CLEANING something (there's another OCD for you!).

8. For all the technical knowledge I possess about computers and other related equipment, I still can't do TWO things online - shop and read a newspaper. I am a shopaholic and like the excitement of trying/touching/seeing things before buying them. And I HATE reading electronic versions of newspapers. Give me the traditional newspaper with a cup of tea please!

There! You know a lot more about me now. Feel better? :D

Here's a bonus tid-bit: I can wait years to buy something that I want if it doesn't fit our budget right then. But I will NEVER ever buy something cheaper just because I want it and can't afford the one I want. Take this fridge for example. I WANT it but am willing to wait another year or so before we buy it. Maybe by then there will be a better product in the market :)

Oh, and I am also required to tag 8 others. Since this tag has been doing the rounds for quite some time now, I don't know anyone who hasn't been tagged except Anurag and Anisha. So, Anu and Anisha? TAG - you're it!

The GODDESS of multi-tasking

Scene 1: Holding Baby M in my left arm, her bottle propped up against my chin, the phone sandwiched between my ear and shoulder, typing on the computer with one hand. I was troubleshooting an issue at work and was talking to the user who reported it over the phone. (Yup - they still call me sometimes when something breaks that only I can fix)

Scene 2: Holding Baby M in my left arm, her bottle propped up against my chin, shampooing S' hair with my right hand. (Why the hurry, you ask? Couldn't it wait? No - because S was being picked up by a friend's mom to go to the movies in the next 15 minutes)

I am SO good at it!!!

:D

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's here!!

Well, I know that everyone knows that she is here - has been here for over 3 weeks now. But I still can't believe that we finally have a baby that we were so desparate for! I call her my "miracle baby". Not because she was conceived with IVF - it is a fairly common procedure these days. But because I had given up all hope and never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would hold another baby in my arms ever again - unless it was someone else's. After the last IVF cycle, my doctor called me to say he didn't have very high hopes of that cycle succeeding either but not to lose hope. He said if this cycle fails we will meet to discuss further options. Given all this, I didn't have any hopes of getting pregnant with that cycle. When the nurse called me on October 10th with the pregnancy test results, I was expecting her to say "I am sorry, you are not pregnant this time either" like she had 4 times before that. So, when she said "You are pregnant" my response was "You sure???". So you see why this one is my miracle baby?

Baby M was born on Tuesday, June 5th at 1:33 pm. When I heard her first sqawk (I swear that is what she sounded like!) I was overcome with emotions. I first congratulated J, who was right by my side, then I started crying. The anaesthesiologist, who was monitoring me constantly, came and wiped my tears with a tissue. That was the sweetest thing and I forgave him for sticking me with a big scary needle in my spine earlier.

I wish I had the time to write about my birthing experience this time (and the first time too - for that matter) but I really don't. I probably will - have been thinking about it for along time - but not right now. Right now, all I can think of is what I have (and not what I have been through) - two beautiful daughters. The reality that I have two kids now to take care of hasn't sunk in yet.

The little one is an angel - when she is not screaming her head off. Yup! She is a screamer :D All I can say for her screaming abilities is that her lungs are getting stronger each day. When she was born, I immediately noticed that she didn't cry as loud as her big sister did when she was born(Remember? "Sqawk"??). But boy! She has more than tripled her screaming and screeching capacity in these 3 weeks!! Feed her and she sleeps like an angel. If she wants to be fed, dillay-dally at your own risk. It is better to jump to attention and do what Her Highness demands!

Things haven't been easy so far. As it happened the first time, this time around too I am having lactation problems. The day I was discharged from the hospital, Baby M went without pooping for almost 20 hours (3 days, as it later turned out) and without wetting a diaper for over 6 hours. That concerned me and the nurse I called for help said I should start supplementing her with formula after every feed.

So I have to supplement her with formula almost after every feed. And pump milk to increase supply. The pumping is killing me - even a 15 minute session leaves me feeling like someone is sucking blood out of me. My breasts and nipples are so sore and swollen they hurt even if I look at them. Yet, I grit my teeth, curl my toes and shut my eyes tight and put her on the breast every 2 hours even though I feel I couldn't go through it another time. All in the hopes that my milk supply will increase enough so I can stop supplementing her. Oh, how I wish I were one of those women who lactate like a cow! I really, truly wanted to nurse exclusively this time. But, as J pointed out one day when I was especially depressed due to this - having Baby M is the most important thing. We never imagined we would have another baby. Lack of lactation just doesn't figure as high on our priority list in the scheme of things. More so because S was on formula from almost the beginning and she turned out fine. In fact, she didn't fall sick as much as other kids I saw around us. I am not disputing breast milk's effect on building up a baby's immunity. It was probably my obsessive compulsion in cleaning and boiling the milk bottles that kept the infections at bay. And anyway, this time at least I am nursing. I didn't get to do that with S at all.

Apart from this, we are managing well. There is so much to write about how we coped those first couple of weeks, how certain friends drove me crazy with their non-stop advice, how the Big sister was excited when the baby got here, how I was scared sh**less (:D I somehow love that experssion) before the C-section and a lot of other things. Maybe later. I have this huge jumble of thoughts in my mind right now that doesn't make any sense through that sleep-deprived haze that I am in.

I am breaking my self-imposed ban on posting any personal pictures of myself or my family and leaving you with a picture of Baby M. I also have one of the two sisters together - will post it as soon as I can get it out of my camera onto my laptop.

Ciao!!

This is how its goin' folks

Thank you very much for your concerned comments to my last post. I will reply to each and every one of them - I promise. But first, here is the latest update on The Peanut's arrival plans.

I know I have already posted some of the following details, but just to give out complete details, I am adding them again. Please bear with me. It was well established in the last post that I CANNOT be brief.

Last month has been pretty hectic - at work as well as at home. Suffice it to say that we were very busy. And the blood sugar that I had been managing so well started getting out of hand every once in a while. So I swallowed my pride (yes, I have loads of it!) and went to my endocrinologist to ask him to put me on insulin. He had been DYING to do that - the only reason he didn't was that I had previously stood up to him and told him I WAS NOT GOING TO TAKE ANY INSULIN AS LONG AS I FELT I WAS CONTROLLING MY BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS WELL and he can go take a long walk if he wants. So as soon as he got the chance, he started me on the lowest dose of insulin (4 units). Now I already told you I have tons of pride, didn't I? I wasn't going down that easy. So what I have been doing is still controlling my diet and take insulin ONLY IF my meal is going to have more carbs than the allowed 45 grams. And I am very happy to inform you that I have been able to control my blood sugar levels well with diet control and exercise (walking and riding my stationary bike) even on the days that I skipped the insulin shot. (Pssssssssst - Don't tell Dr. Siegel, OK?)

As I mentioned in the last post, all seemed to be going well despite the blood sugar monitoring, which I believe I was managing quite well. I was just praying that The Peanut would mind his/her momma's wishes and stay inside at least until June 6th. I desparately needed TWO weekdays off of work (June 1st was my last day at work). Well, what do you know? The Peanut didn't mind but momma dearest had to put in 24 hours of work on Tuesday, May 29th which sent her blood pressure high (150/105 ***GASP***) and worried her OB/GYN that she might be getting preeclampsia. So tests were done and it was decided that if the test results came back positive for preeclampsia, we will bring The Peanut into this world by Friday night (June 1st) or Saturday morning (June 2nd). Thankfully, test results were negative for preeclampsia (Hallelujiah!!) and the blood pressure went down as soon as the crisis at work was resolved and momma got some rest. So now the situation is this -

• Blood pressure under control - so no medications for that.
• No preeclampsia - so no worries.
• Blood sugar under control - pride intact.
• Office work - almost done. (Well yes, I am still winding up a few things - remotely)
• Hospital bag - packed.
• Baby clothes - washed and folded.
• Older sibling - excited.
• Dad - nervous.
• Mom - kicking back and relaxing, spending LOTS of time online.
• House - messy. But who cares?!
• Friends - recruited for help and waiting with bated breaths.
• C-Section - Scheduled for Thursday, June 7th but will be performed on Tuesday June 5th if possible.

So there! You have all the facts now.

Short update on what's going on

I am going to have trouble keeping this update short as A LOT has been going on. But I think I need to hit the sack if I want my blood pressure to behave tomorrow so I WILL have to keep it short.

Been busy at work - first interviewing, then training an intern to take over part of my responsibilities. Then there were three emergencies in the last 10 days or so. The last emergency that occurred on Tuesday (May 29th) had me working from 8 in the morning to 8 at night and then straight THROUGH the night. That resulted in a high blood pressure and the current health crisis. Now my doctor is testing me for pre-eclampsia and has said that he will deliver me immediately if the test results for pre-eclampsia are positive. That is not so terrible given the fact that I am past 37 weeks now and hence "full-term" AND that we are all eager to see the baby now. I was/am scheduled for a C-section on June 12th anyway. BUT - I need more time to get things ready for the baby!! I am keeping my fingers and toes (and eyes) crossed that the baby will give me at least until next wednesday or thursday so I can get everything ready AND enjoy a few days AWAY from work. Things do look good even if I say so myself (without any medical experience :P). My blood work for presence of liver enzymes, which would have indicated pre-eclampsia, came back negative and I don't have any other symptoms to indicate this condition. The 24 hour urine test will give a definite answer and I should get that answer by tomorrow morning, 11 am.

I have also been struggling to keep my blood sugar under check. I had to go in for the 3 hour glucose tolerance test and though the test came back negative for gestational diabetes, one number was high enough to concern my doctor who suggested I keep an eye on my blood glucose levels just to make sure I didn't develop GD later during the pregnancy. And sure enough, I have developed a border-line case! I was initially able to manage it well with diet control and exercise. Then it started getting a little difficult (which I was expecting) so now I am taking a minimum dose of insulin (4 units) before dinner. Just started about 5 days back. Some days, when I am sure that my dinner is going to be well within the acceptable range for carb content, I skip the insulin and am proud to say that it has been GOOD!! I am eating more greens than a rabbit ever could and that, combined with walks/riding my stationary bike after meals is helping in keeping the blood sugar under control too. I even got away with eating RICE!! and TOOR DAL!!!!!!! tonight - I just made sure I loaded up with salad and then did some mild exercise later on.

So all seems to be good so far. I plan on taking my laptop with me to the hospital and will hopefully be able to put up a little post when the baby comes. I can't wait!! But I am not ready yet... Does it even make sense???

Told you I couldn't keep it brief!!

Ego booster!

Yesterday, while I was driving home from work (and was stuck in a miles long traffic jam), I got a call from home. It was J calling to ask me "How do you calculate LCM?" Now, I and J have almost identical academic background (We both did our Bachelor's with Electronics as our major, then Master's in Computer Management from the same university) - except that I have studied more Biology than he has and he has one year of Law school under his belt and an extra Master's degree (which I will rectify as soon as I can do a Ph.D. or an MBA - heh!).

And not to mention that he has a LOT MORE work experience than me (and common sense, patience, maturity, business sense - to name just a few).

So, I explained to him in the most kid-friendly terms so he could, in turn, explain it to S. And then I hummed ALL THE WAY HOME!!!! :D

Happy Mother's Day, Ma!!

And nothing else comes to mind :( I have been planning to put up a "Mother's day" post for a long time to share how and why MY mother is the best. And now I can't think of how to put all these emotions into a post. This is to SHOUT OUT TO THE WORLD that "My mom is special!! She is THE BEST!" I thank God every so often that I was born to MY parents 'coz there couldn't be any better ones out there!

And a special mention goes to S - my darling daughter who, as I explained it to her this morning, deserves all the credit for making this day super special for me because it is due to her that I get celebrated on Mother's day. Thank you darling, for being the most precious gift for me on this day and every other!

Couldn't forget J's mom now, could I? Mummy, I know J loves you very much. He just doesn't know how to put it in words. So I am saying it to you on his behalf - Love you and thank you for doing all that you did for your kids!! And from me? Thank you for giving me this wonderful life partner!

To ALL mothers out there - HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Words fail me!

I read this article on The Times of India yesterday. I almost fell off my chair!! And once I started reading the comments, I was left speechless by most of them. Its not because I didn't expect such comments. Having lived most of my life in India and having seen such MCP mentality abound, this shouldn't have been a surprise to me. But it was. Maybe living in the US for the last 8 years has forced me to lose touch with the reality back home.

Should women work night shifts?
Wednesday, May 02, 2007, 4:26:00 PM

May Day celebrations are typically soporific affairs, marked by long speeches by labour leaders, platitudes by government officials and the weary resignation of a long-suffering work force. But in Bangalore this May Day at a political party function, Karnataka labour minister Iqbal Ansari dropped a bombshell of such intensity that it wouldn't be surprising if he gets blown away by the fallout. He said his government would put in place a law that ensures that women do not work night shifts from July. He believes women should not be at the workplace beyond 8 pm but exempted the IT/BPO sectors and essential services. The ostensible justification for this retrograde step is the increasing incidents of crime against women.

In a day and age when women workers are fighting to be treated on a par with their male counterparts, such legislation will put the clock back by years. Women should be able to work when they want and not be subject to such whimsical laws. For instance, women are making their presence felt in the hospitality sector which Mr Ansari, surely, would admit is a 24x7x365 industry. Such stifling laws would demean their right to equality and opportunity at the work place. Even as the rest of the world is moving towards a gender-neutral work environment, Mr Ansari's law will drive a deeper wedge between men and women. If crime is a problem, it has to be tackled at that level, by beefing up the law-enforcement machinery, not through such inane laws. If Mr Ansari thinks he can woo the woman vote with such legislation, he is sadly mistaken.

Should women work night shifts?

Resident Editor, The Times of India, Bangalore
PS: You may also SMS or email your views. Mail us on mytimesmyvoice@timesgroup.com with 'Women' mentioned in the subject line. To SMS, type MTMV, leave a space, type WOM, leave a space, type YES or No along with your name, and sms to 8888.

Comments

What the f*** does Mr. Ansari mean? That the reason crimes against women exist (and abound) in India is because women are working night shifts? Is this the only solution he could come up with for dealing with the crimes and the criminals? And he was OH SO KIND in exempting the women who work in the IT/BPO sectors and essential services. But then, how will he "protect" these women?? And if he can protect these women, can't he protect the others too? Now I am soooooooo confused. And I am sure it is because I am a woman. Oh poor me! I need to be saved from myself!! Someone else needs to pass stupid, meaningless laws to make me safe.

Male. Chauvinist. PIG. That is who I think he is. All the unpleasant memories from my growing up years came flooding back. This post came back to my mind. I am hoppin' mad!! I can't even think straight or put my thoughts into coherent words - I am SO mad. Women need to stay at home to avoid being leched at? They need to cover themselves to avoid generating lecherous thoughts in the minds of the animals prowling the streets who would snatch the dupatta off of their own sisters and mothers? They should not go out after it gets dark because it is not safe. They should not go out alone lest someone should harass them. Why, they shouldn't go out. Period.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!! I am SO mad that words won't come to my mind.

Doesn't this sound familiar though? I grew up reading what a glorious civilization ours was. Women were respected. We weren't ashamed of nudity or of sex. We gave the world Kamasutra for goodness' sake. And then somewhere down the line, people started getting offended by exposed skin. One argument I heard/read was that men started insisting their womenfolk stay covered and in the confines of their homes to protect them from the evil eyes of the invaders. I can understand that. In those times when our country was being constantly raided by outsiders, when it was common for the invading army to destroy our homes, cities and even rape and murder women and children - and when the common man couldn't do anything against them but protect himself and his own by hiding - it would make sense.

But now our country IS NOT under attack from any outsiders. We own our country. What goes on here is now our responsibility. Good, bad or ugly - we are responsible for it. And WE are responsible for eradicating the bad and the ugly. Why is it not obvious to Mr. Ansari, as it is to many others, that stopping women from working night shifts is NOT going to stop crimes against them? Crimes against women take place in broad daylight too. And inside homes as well. To stop the crimes, you need to stop the criminals. Is it that hard to understand?? I think he is just trying to take the easy way out because the real solution to the problem is so much more difficult. That would mean the police will have to do their work. That means he will have to get rid of the corruption which allows criminals to go traipsing about without having to pay for their crimes. That also means he might have to beef up the security around the city or state to ensure everyone's safty - not just women's. That means the politicians will have to pass stronger, sensible laws and make sure they are implemented.

There are other implications to this situation. Suppose the law were passed and implemented. That would be a major blow to the progress we have made in the areas of equal employment opportunities for both sexes. Which company would hire females if there were even a 1% chance that they might need to stay back late at work to finish some project in time? Will female students even opt for subjects that might take them into fields that have uncertain hours? In that case, we will lose half the brain power rigtht there. Will parents allow their daughters to opt for such careers? There are already a lot of restrictions imposed by families that girls have to face when choosing subjects for higher studies. This will add one more restriction. What about the jobs that require travel? Will women traveling for work be considered "on job" if they are on a flight or a train after 8 pm? What if they are out of state at that time? How about positions that require one to take clients out for dinner to finalize/facilitate business deals. What about women running their own businesses? Will they have to shut their doors promptly at 8 just because they happen to have two X chromosomes and possibly lose out to their male competitors who can keep their business open till late and thus provide one more convenience to their clients?

It insults my intelligence, and I am sure every sane person's, that Mr. Ansari believes women are victims of crimes because they work night shifts. It is the same as saying that women are victims of street harassment because of the way they dress or walk or behave. It insults me that someone should think I might be responsible for some beast's crimes against me. Oh no! It is NOT their screwed up moral standards. It is NOT their criminal mentality. It is NOT the result of an impotent "society" looking the other way when such crimes are committed. It is NOT the law enforcement authorities' inability to maintain law and order. It is NOT the corruption that allows murderers and rapists to go free. It is not ineffective or insufficient laws that enable these criminals either. It... is... the... women! And Mr. Ansari, like the well-meaning super-hero he is, has taken it upon himself to deliver all of us from the clutches of evil by deciding to pass a law to MAKE us sit at home at night! Hallelujah!!

Where did THIS come from??

A friend forwarded this to me yesterday -

...About girlfriends

Someone will always be prettier.
Some will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
SO LET IT GO, and love YOU and your circumstances.
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes~~~~might be lonely.
And the word says, "If I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love YOU.
Love who YOU are.
Look in the mirror in the mornings and smile and say,"I am too blessed to
be stressed and too anointed, to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen, while losers allow things happen."

BE "BLESSED" LADIES!!!

And I have since been wondering.... Where the heck did this come from?? This reeks of insecurity. I mean I agree with the message. Love yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone has problems,no matter how happy or contented they look. etc. etc. That is just plain common sense to me. That someone needed to put it down in words and forward it - to me it seems like they themselves might have been struggling with the green eyed monster. Or am I reading too much into this?

I know I sound very judgmental. Maybe I AM being so. I agree, every one of us, at some time or the other, has gone a round or two in the boxing ring with the GEM (Green Eyed Monster). But most of us realize, sooner or later, that the only person being affected by the incessant comparisons is the person we see in the mirror. US! I am no better - there have been occasions when I have sighed inwardly and thought things like "If only I had that". But then I come back to my senses almost immediately. True - I would like to have many things that I see people around me have. But the truth is - I have all that I need. I might not have everything that I want but that is no big deal. Want... Need... BIG difference!

When I was at the lowest point in my life - I desparately wanted another baby but couldn't have one - even then I never, NEVER became jealous of my friends who WERE having babies. I was genuinely happy for them. It was difficult to attend Baby Showers at times - NOT because it was painful seeing the expectant parents be happy but because almost always someone or the other would come to us and say "Now its YOUR turn". Yeah?? How would YOU know?? Anyway, I know I am rambling...

So this email forward has had me thinking - are there people who look at others and say/think "Gosh! She has it GOOD! I wish I had her life!" I mean, I know there are some. But I always thought that most of us are sensible, balanced, mature individuals who don't fret about what others have and we don't. And THAT's why I found this email forward so strange...

Your thoughts?

She's growin' up!

I am sitting in front of the idiot box with my daughter right now. It is 1 pm on a Sunday - we are kicking back. Watching "The first Wives Club" on USA - one of my favorite movies. After watching the scene where Diane Keaton's husband tells her he wants a divorce and she finds out he is involved with her therapist, my daughter said in a timid voice "I hope that never happens to you and daddy". Awwwww baby! It won't. Never! Anyhoo, this conversation led to the following being recited by her -

"Cee & J, sitting in a tree,
K I S S I N G
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes a baby in a baby carriage"

She is growing up - my little girl :D I replied with this -

"Cee & J were never in a tree
But there was some K I S S I N G
First came love,
then came marriage,
then came baby S in a baby carriage".

Know what she said? "Good. Now you have to get into a groove to say it!"

HUH?????!! She really IS growing up!

Going it alone

Ever since we declared that we are expecting a baby, the one question that we get the most is "Who are you calling to come over and help you?" And then they are stunned to learn the answer - No one. Almost all desi families here do that. As soon as there is a baby on the way, one set of parents is recruited to come help them when the baby arrives. And I think that is a very good arrangement - if it works for you. That's a BIG if.

9 years ago, when I got pregnant with my daughter, I made the decision to stay with my husband and not go to my parents' place for the delivery, even though that was the tradition in our family. There were a lot of reasons .

1. I didn't want to stay away from my husband. I was still very much in love with him (still am :P) and cried every time I left him to go visit my parents for 2-3 weeks ONCE a year. How could I stay away from him for 2 or more months?? Also, he had just landed a job with a company that was going to train him and then send him to the USA. We had already decided that he will go alone at first, find a project, an apartment and buy a car and then call me and baby over. This would be the best approach because neither of us believed it was good to bring the baby to an uncertain environment until you had at least a job and a place to live. With this, it meant that I would be staying away from him for at least 4 more months. So, the idea of going to my parents' place was scrapped even before it occurred to my in-laws :D
2. My brother-in-law is a doctor and I thought I would be better off in Indore, in case some emergency arose since he would be around and all the doctors in his friend circle would be available too.
3. My dad has hyper-tension and is the kind of person who gets stressed out very easily. I knew it would be difficult for him to stay stress-free during my pregnancy, specially since I was determined not to pay any heed to the superstitious advices one usually gets during this time (eat a lot, don't exert yourself physically, don't eat this or eat that, don't go out etc.) In fact I specially confirmed with my OB/GYN if it was safe for me to drive a scooter and she said yes. I asked her how much weight I could safely pick up/carry and she said upto 10 kgs. So, to spare both of us the tension, I decided to have the delivery in Indore - at my in-laws' home.
4. I was running my own coaching institute at that time and there was no way I was going to close it down just for a pregnancy. I was due on November 9th and I decided to work until October 15th - which I did.

All this history to make a point. I made the decision to stay with my in-laws for the delivery. BIG MISTAKE! I regret that decision to this day. My pregnancy went smoothly but the delivery and post-partum care was another story. That harrowing experience (another post-worthy topic) left me severely depressed for more than 5 years, created a lot of stress in my marriage initially and has left me wary of asking for any help this time around too.

I could ask my parents to come help me. But I feel their help will be more useful when I go back to work. So my parents will come in the last week of August when I get ready to go back to work. They will stay for 3 months (or six - which ever works out for my mom as she is still working and it depends on how much leave she can get). That will help us keep the baby home, away from all potential infections one can catch at a daycare, for atleast 6 months.

So that leaves.... US! J, myself and S. And I am sure with a LOT of planning and some help from good-friends (which we have a lot of) we might just pull it off. It helps that the second time around one has a little bit of experience to help make things better. And we have one eager little helper in form of S too! Even getting through this pregnancy has required a lot of planning in itself what with my full-time job, S and her extra-curricular activities, the various problems I have faced through the months - High Blood Pressure, PUPP and now the constant Blood Sugar monitoring (I know I probably never mentioned the last two - a pregnancy update on these soon). And on top of that this was the year I decided to be more active with my daughter's school PTO (Parent Teacher Organization), the Technology Council at her school and Norwalk's PTO Council. Not to mention having NO house-hold help to clean or cook or do any other big and small chores around the house means MORE juggling and planning.

Our plan is that I will take off from work about 2 weeks before my scheduled C-section (June 12th), get some rest and get the whole place (the house, the nursery...) in order. Then, provided The Peanut doesn't decide to come early like his/her big sister, I will go in for my C-section on June 12th, stay in the hospital for 3 days and come back. J will take 2 weeks off from work to help me. After the first two weeks I should have recovered enough to take care of the baby during the day by myself. I'll sleep when the baby sleeps and all that good stuff. From experience I know it is difficult to do because when the baby sleeps, you have to take care of other stuff like cooking and cleaning. For that we are going to buy a freezer (soon!) and I am going to start cooking extra food and freezing it for those tough days. I am good at that - freezing food items! Manish, a friend of ours doesn't call me the "Freezer Queen" for nothing :D So the frozen meals will take care of J and S. And I will teach J how to cook Dal-Daliya and Khichdi for me. A friend has offered to send in some food to freeze for later too. I am accepting all help that comes my way. I am also planning to call in a cleaning service to come clean my house from top to bottom so when the baby arrives all we will need to do is maintain it (easier said than done though :P)

This time I plan on nursing. The last time I didn't lactate due to all the stress and S didn't latch on due to other factors so she was a formula fed baby even though I did try for TWO months. This time, I am going to put in ALL my energy into nursing the baby. For that I am planning to take help from another "source". We am going to rent a breast pump from the hospital and once we are sure that I am lactating properly, we will buy a pump (good ones are expensive - about 250 - 300 dollars a pop). Expressing and having some extra milk ready will ensure that even S or J can help me feed the baby when I am too tired or have some errands to run. That will also help me continue to nurse when I go back to work.

So this is the crude plan - I am still working the nitty-gritty details out but I think we CAN do it. If things get too out of hand, I plan on hiring a baby-sitter to come in for about 5-6 hours a day, 2-3 days a week, to help me with the baby so I can get some sleep and get some work done too. That should tide us over. I am pretty confident.

Now, all we need is to set up the Nursery AND FIND TWO BABY NAMES!! One for a boy and one for a girl. THAT is the biggest challenge for us right now.

What goes around...

In my younger, leaner days I once made fun of how my mom's belly "laughed with her". I loved the way it jiggled with every laugh. Soon afterwards my mom changed her lifestyle completely by taking up daily exercise and controlling her diet. She lost weight (a LOT of it) and became very fit. I went on to get married, gain 22 pounds in a year, shed it, get pregnant, lose all pregnancy weight but gain it all back and then some, get pregnant again 8 years down the road, gain another 20 ounds during the pregnancy.... you get the picture. The other day my daughter said "Mommy your arms are so jiggly!!!" and kept calling me "jiggly mommy" for the whole week. Life indeed has come a full circle **Sigh**

Well, one thought just struck me - I think life didn't come a full circle. It goes around in the form of a spiral. I made fun of my mom's jiggly belly, my daughter made fun of my jiggly arms and one day her daughter might make fun of some jiggly body part of hers. One can only hope - right? :D

Who Am I?

This thought struck me this morning when I had just had a quick conversation on an unrelated topic with the owner of the variety store in our office building. He is Gujarati. In an earlier conversation, I told him I was born and brought up in Rajasthan. A few days back, we were both at the same grill in our building’s cafeteria ordering a veggie omelette.

Today, when I went to his store to buy a box of Ritz crackers, he asked me “You eat omelettes?” I said “Yes” wondering why that was important. His next sentence was “But only here, not in Rajasthan. Right?” Then it occurred to me that he thought I eat omellettes only because I am here, in the US, away from family and wouldn’t have the guts to eat it if I were back in India!! I informed him “Though my parents are Brahmins and don’t even eat onion and garlic, they never stopped my or my brother from eating eggs. My mother wouldn’t cook them for us but she’d let her friends cook them for us and later she even allowed us to cook them at home”.

As I was walking back to my office, one thing struck me. I said “My parents are Brahmins…” I am Brahmin too, but I don’t think it is an important part of who I am. I am NOT from the camp of people who say a girl takes up whatever religion/caste she marries into. My husband’s family is Kutchi. I often joke while introducing myself to new people saying “I am a Kutchi Lohana by marriage and he is a Brahmin by marriage”. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander too – right?

In truth, I never identify myself as a Brahmin or a Kutchi Lohana. My thoughts in this matter are – I am an Indian. I also consider myself a proud Rajasthani – as I was born and brought up there. I love my home state. I am VERY proud to be a Jodhpuri – the city that I grew up in. I LOVE it!! Now that I live in the US, I feel a sense of loyalty towards the country that accepted us and gave us so many opportunities to grow professionally and personally. I am not an American citizen yet, but I do try to contribute to the society as best as I can. I am a woman, I am a Network Administrator, I am a mom, I am a friend, wife, daughter and sister. I am a human being. I am honest, loyal and compassionate. I am a lot of things – not just one pawn in the caste system.

Growing up, I might have been very confused where religion was concerned. I went to a Catholic school till grade 6 and learnt about Christianity through the subject Moral Science that we were taught. I grew up believing that there is only one God. I remember going through a phase where I set up a mandir of my own in my mother’s pantry. It had photos of Jesus, some other Gods and Goddesses and even Shivaji. My mom, though she doesn't believe in Idol worshipping, helped me set this mandir up. I don't know how long this phase lasted but I do know it ended pretty soon. But I had the satisfaction of having tried that. Now, my dad is “Sanatani” (meaning idol worshipper) and my mom is AryaSamaji (menaing – not). I saw them both practice their beliefs without expecting the other to join in. My mom was/is a little more rigid and wouldn’t have anything to do with idol worshipping but I saw my dad participate in every AryaSamaji Havan that my mother did at home or at my maternal grandparents & uncle did (they were/are AryaSamaji too).

I do not consider myself an Arya Samaji since I do not actively participate in the religious activities of the group. I do not believe in Idol worshipping either. In fact, I strongly dislike being associated with any organized religion or faith. Reason being, followers of this faith often become too rigid in their beliefs and that almost always results in religious fanaticism. I believe in God, for this belief carried me through many tough times in my life. My beliefs are simple – 1. There is ONE God. 2. I DO NOT need to go to a temple to profess my faith or to pray – I can do that any where, anytime. 3. God is forgiving if forgiveness is asked for with a pure heart and intentions. 4. “Do not hurt or cheat others” is part of my religious beliefs. 5. God does not care if I eat meat or not, support Gay marriages or not (which I DO support – just for the record), pray every day or not, go to the temple or not etc.

Though I believe in one God, I do not discount other people’s faith that says there are different Gods for different things (like Saraswati for Education, Laxmi for Prosperity etc.). When I was in 9th grade, I found a beautiful explanation that reconciles both these beliefs. My maternal Grandfather had just died of a brain hemorrhage. He and my grandmother were staunch AryaSamajis. So, for thirteen days after his death, instead of having the “Garuda Paath” chanted, we (the whole family) would sit down in the evenings to chant slokas and read their meanings in hindi from the four Vedas that my grandfather owned. These were copies that had hindi translations of each Sloka by Swami Dayanand Saraswati. One night, while chanting these slokas and reading the meanings I realized that the meanings said (any time there was a mention of any God like, say, Indra – the God of Weather and War) that when God performs such and such task, we refer to Him (Her?) as the God for that task. Like, when God gives us wisdom and education, we refer to God as Saraswati. This totally makes sense to me and still allows me to believe that there is only one God.

I guess I learnt it from my parents that religious beliefs should not become an issue in a good relationship. So I am implementing that in my own marriage. I hold on to my beliefs and respect my husband’s and his family’s. I even participate in the poojas that they do. I would like to start doing “Havans” at my home myself, but haven’t done so yet. And when I do, I am sure J will participate in them just as I participate in religious activities that he performs. I would very much like my daughter to be exposed to both sets of beliefs and give her a chance to choose one (or none, or maybe a totally different faith) of them when she grows up. That is the privilege my parents gave me and my brother. I grew up believing in God, but having my own beliefs about how to follow my faith and he grew up to be an atheist. My parents are fine with both choices and I think that is the greatest gifts they gave us – the freedom to be our own persons. I would like to give the same “gift” to my kids. But I would not like them to grow up without faith. They can choose to discard it later in life if they want to. I don’t know if it makes any sense to anyone else.

My parents never tried to impose their religious beliefs on us. They taught me tolerance and I didn’t even realize. The first time I realized what a great thing they had taught me was when it was time to send my daughter to pre-school. From a friend, I learnt about a good Jewish pre-school in our area that was run in a Synagogue. The same friend’s husband initially was reluctant to send his kids there as he did not want them to grow up learning a religion different from theirs. I, on the other hand was eager to try it out as I believed learning about a new religion will open up her mind and ours too. During the two years that she was there, we learnt a lot about Judaism. And surprisingly, I found quite few things that are common in Judaism and Hinduism and even Jainism (and most other religions as well, I am sure). Now all that has faded from memory as it has been more than 4 years since my daughter passed preschool, but I still remember the amazement that I felt upon learning how certain customs were similar to ours, certain values reflected in our too and so on. I even found some parallels in Jewish, Christian and Hindu marriages.

And all this came rushing back to me this morning with that simple conversation. As incoherent as it may seem, this is who I believe I am. My faith is part of me but it alone does not define me. I am an Indian, a Rajasthani, a Jodhpuri and some day I might become an American too. These “labels” alone do not define me either. I am a sum total of my beliefs, my experiences, my mistakes, my accomplishments, my aspirations and a host of other factors not all of which come to my mind right now. That’s who I am. Everything else is just a label.