I didn't know I still remembered ALL that!!

I got directed to The Blank Noise Project from Anurag's blog. It touched a nerve. A nerve that I thought was long dead - but I was wrong. It is still raw and throbbing with pain of memories from the years that have gone by. Once it got me thinking, many memories came flooding back and I was amazed at how I had buried those memories away. I guess since I am not living in India anymore, I don't have to live in the fear that my precious daughter will have to go through the very same issues, humiliations and restrictions that I went through when I was a girl. It is a relief in a way to know that she will be spared all that crap from relatives and strangers alike. Maybe, participating in the Blank Noise Project (No, I am not a "registered" participant there - I was too late for the March 7th deadline) with soothe that agitation of feeling violated a little.

Living in India, I went through my share of the street harassment like every other girl. Now it makes me sad to think that we took that as a part of life - like it happens. Of course, I would get mad every time it happened but we had been conditioned to expect it and so never questioned why it had to be like this. As I grew older I began to question the reasoning - girls who dress a certain way invite trouble, girls should not go out alone, girls cannot participate in this or that, applying makeup means you are too "forward" - yeah all that bullshit. Some of it came from well meaning friends and family members. But boy, was it a boat load of crap! No girl should ever be made to believe those things. I didn't take everything lying down though. I fought hard for my "freedom" - freedom of thought, freedom to dress any way I wanted (unfortunately, I had to give that freedom up because there were other important issues that I thought needed my efforts), freedom to go anywhere without having to give my whole "itinerary" to my parents/guardians, freedom to choose my friends - boys or girls, freedom to study hard and make a career for myself (fortunately, I didn't have to struggle much for that because my parents were of the opinion that a girl MUST have a good career to fall back on).

Ironically, it wasn't my parents imposing restrictions on me (well, to be fair, they did impose restrictions but those restrictions melted away with time and as they realized that I needed independence). It was the "society". I remember, when I chose to go to a co-ed college that offered Electronics as a major for my Bachelor's degree, a well-meaning neighbor (son of one of my mom's friends) came to our house to talk to my parents about the "hazards of sending their daughter to a co-ed school". "Ladkiyan haath se nikal jaati hain" he said (Girls get out of control). My mom replied - "That can happen even if you have them under seven locks. We trust our daughter and we don't see any harm in sending her there for her studies". (Did I ever tell you? MY PARENTS ROCK!!) When I decided to marry my husband (then my boyfriend) my parents didn't throw a fit - some other "well-wishers" did. One of my uncles tried to convince my dad to stop me from marrying J because he was not from the same caste.

I know, I know - this is far from street harassment. But I believe it is this kind of mentality that gives the "street romeos" the courage to harass our daughters and sisters. They know most of the people in society will go and blame these girls for what they went through. Probably these slimy elements blame these girls for "provoking" them, too. It is a typical MCP (Male Chauvinist PIG) mentality, I tell you.

Right now there are so many memories that have come rushing back - memories that I buried in the back of my brain long ago because they were uncomfortable or painful.

I am in 12th grade, riding my bike back to home. I come to the University gates and since I am alone and there are hormone-crazy boys roaming in the campus, I decide to take a detour. It is just a rather lonely road that bypasses the university campus. It also means 2 extra kilometers, but I'd rather go those extra kilometers than run into some boys who try to knock me down from my bike. God knows what could happen after that... While I am pedallign furiously on that lonely road, a boy suddenly comes up from behind (I didn't notice him or I would have been alert), grabs my breast and then cycles off. I am left shuddering, repulsed by his touch, crying, blaming myself for taking that route. For MONTHS I tried to wash off his filthy touch from my skin. NO ONE knew about this - until now. I just hid the pain and the shame and went on with a cheerful face because i didn't want to worry my dad and also didn't want to lose the independance I had.

I am 14. I am travelling, with my parents, to some other city by train. It is night time and the whole bogey is silent - people are deep in sleep. So am I. I suddenly wake up because I feel someone picking up my skirt. He lets go, I think it was a dream and drift back into sleep. Suddenly I wake up again to feel him running his hands through my hair. He is standing right in front of me. I wake up with a jerk, slap him in the face and shout out some profanity. He tries to slap me back and then runs away. (A lot of people did wake up and came to ask me what happened). I can't sleep after that because I am sure he is going to come back with his friends and drag me out of there.

A friend of my dad's - his best friend from college, I think - always used to grab my breasts and squeeze them whenever he came over. And he would do that unobtrusively right there in front of my parents! I was barely 10 years old I think and was terrified of telling my parents because somehow I thought it was my fault. I just told me mom a few years ago, I think (or maybe last year, when my parents were visiting us). My husband knows and understands that is why I am extra paranoid when it comes to leaving our daughter alone with our friends.

There are so many other memories that make me sick to the stomach. There are a couple more that I have buried deeper than the others. Like when we lived in Jaipur for a few years when my mom was transferred there, we rented a portion of a house. Our landlord and his wife were the nicest people we ever met (or so we thought). One day, "aunty" (that is what I called the landlady) called me over and asked me to stay at her place while she took a shower, so when the milkman came, I'd be there to take milk from him and put it in the kitchen. "Uncle" (the landlord) was also home. Kids were not home. As soon as aunty went in the bathroom, uncle came up from behind me (I was in one of their kids' rooms, reading a book I think) and tried to grab me and kiss me on the lips. I ran from there (luckily I was able to get away from him) and didn't stop until I was out of their house. Aunty later admonished me for not waiting for the milkman. To this day I wonder if she was in on uncle's scheme and if the "milkman" was just an excuse to get me in there. Again, I never mentioned it to anyone - because somehow I thought it was my fault.

I can't remember the number of times I got wolf-whistles, derogatory comments and winks while walking on a street. Someone even tried to grab my dupatta while I was out walking during the 6th or 7th month of my pregnancy (yes I looked pregnant).

I believe we should teach our daughters self-defence techniques (tae-kwondo, judo maybe) and try to build up their self-esteems. Keep the communication channels open and let them know it is NOT their fault when someone harasses them anywhere. My mom paid attention to me when I did tell her about an incident that happened with another acquaintence and that gave me some confidence. My parents never said "Well, you deserved it" and they never tolerated anyone else telling me so. And if we make street-harassment (or "Eve-teasing, as the authorities like to call it) a criminally punishable offense with some serious jail term, I think we can make a dent. But where do we start? Do we make these laws and then eliminate the corruption, so that no one can get away by the virtue of their "contacts"? Or should it be vice-versa? Until it all falls nicely into place, I think I would be more comfortable knowing that my daughter can kick someone in the balls if they try to harass her and run the hell away from them. And if I ever have a son, I am going to bring him up to respect women as fellow human beings. I am thankful to two women I know who did this job nicely - my mom and my mom-in-law. Both, my brother and my husband, are men who respect women and don't treat them as inferior, second grade citizens. I know my dad and dad-in-law played their part in this upbringing too - so hats off to all four of you!! We need more men and women like them - ASAP!!