Pro-Choice: In a different sense

When it comes to a mother's working outside of home or staying at home, I am strictly pro-choice. I believe it should be the woman's choice, and hers alone. After all, it is she who will be juggling home and career and family more than anyone else in the family because, unfortunately, even today our social system is male friendly and doesn't put the responsibility for "balancing" things on men. But that is matter for another post. I shouldn't digress.

Another thing - I never say "Working Moms" because I firmly believe ALL moms work (I have mentioned this in another post of mine - I think). I always say "Working Outside of Home Moms". That's just me :)

For me there never was a question. I grew up watching my mom balance work with home perfectly. I learnt from her that it is possible. And she brought me up believing that I MUST have a career. In our family it was a given that both, my brother and I will study, get a job and get married IN THAT ORDER. My parents taught me from the beginning that the most important thing for me to do was to be financially independent. If I ever showed signs of not taking my studies seriously, my mom would threaten me that she'd marry me off :D And it worked! I took my studies and persuit for a career seriously.

For reasons I have discussed in another post, my career stalled when I got married. But that didn't change my views on this matter. I still believed that a woman should work outside of home even after having children if she wanted to.

I have discussed my views on this in another post on the same debate. But that was in response to a post by MadMomma which, in turn, was in response to a comment of mine (and other similar comments). This time, I will just list my reasons for my choice without getting defensive or offensive. And my views in this matter are solely based on my personal experience and observations.

I work outside of home because I want to. And because I am not stay-at-home material. I believe a happy mother makes a happy family. For a long time I was not a happy mother. Because I had to stay at home. Not by choice. I have seen the effect a woman's unhappiness can have on her entire family - firsthand. I was that woman. There is a marked difference in my home's environment since I started working. But that is a choice that works for me and my family. My husband and I make it work. We work really hard at it so that my working outside of home affects S (and now M) in the least possible way. Because he knows how important it is for me.

I work for intellectual fulfillment. Yes. I need it. I want it. Nothing wrong in that. (I remember reading another post where the tone insinuated it is). When I was home with my daughter, I could feel my intellect stagnating. It doesn't happen to everyone. It happened to me because we were new to this country, with no friends. And later the friends that I did make were moms of my daughter's preschool buddies. We connected because our kids liked each other. There was no other reason. No other connection at an intellectual level. I am not saying that these moms weren't capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. They were. Many of them were very accomplished in their own fields. But when we met, our conversations revolved around our kids and their needs and our dreams for them and such. I wanted a break from that.

I wanted to work outside of home because I wanted to utilize my skills for something extra. I wasn't content just teaching my child math, and colors and alphabet. I didn't need the whole day to do that. I still teach her a million things in the time that I do get with her. I desparately wanted to be "needed" for my skills. And now, when I am on my maternity leave, I can tell from personal experience that it is a good feeling. When I get calls from my colleagues asking me to help them fix things that no one else can, I feel validated. I feel satisfied that I am making a difference that reaches far outside my home.

I wanted to work outside of home because I firmly believe that will make my daughters more confident and self-dependent. No - I take that back. I am not working to achieve this, but I am sure as a result of my working outside of home, this will happen. Working moms need every family member to pitch in to keep every thing going smoothly. The more things my daughters tackle in their day-to-day routine, the more independent they get, and confident too.

I work to bring in the extra paycheck. Because, like every other parent, I want to give my daughters a better life. I don't want them to have to take out loans to study. Granted it is easy to get student loans in this country but I am an old-fashioned Indian that way. I'll pay for my kids' education like my parents did for me. When I was in college, it was really a comfort to know that my parents would pay for my studies as long as I wanted to continue. On the other hand, J had to work full-time to put himself through graduate school. He would leave for work at 9:30 in the morning and return at 11 in night after classes. I believe he could have worked much harder at his studies if he didn't need to work full time to pay for it. And we are both sure we don't want to put our children through that kind of struggle.

I work outside of home because I worked very hard to get to this point. I didn't bear shitty behaviour from my uncle and aunt (yes I did) and still continue my studies for three long years to sit at home. I did it because I wanted to get somewhere. I went through that hardship to make a career for myself.

I don't believe that my kids will miss out on life if I work out of home. I don't think they will come to harm either. Of course, if I am going to work, I am going to make sure that I find good care for them. It will be criminal on my part if I don't do that. I will make sure that the care available to them is the best possible and will keep an eye on things to make sure everything remains the way I want it to.

I also work outside of home because I worry about the future. If something were to happen to J, I want to be able to provide for my kids without having to depend on anyone - even family. I have thought a lot about what I will do if worse came to worst. What if I cannot pay the mortgage on the house or save for the girls' future? I have even made plans in my mind(like moving to a low-cost-of-living state, or to a smaller house) and we are also looking into Life Insurance to make sure that the girls will be least affected should something happen to either or both of us. Recently a dear friend had emergency surgery and then later found out he has B-cell Lymphoma (cancer of the Lymphatic system). He has already been at home for a month. His wife had to take two weeks off to take care of him. His mom came here from India as soon as she heard about his surgery. This all involved expenses. If they didn't have any savings, they would have been in a serious jam right now. If his wife didn't work, she would have one more worry of finances on top of everything else that is going on. One has to be capable of and preapred for anything that life throws at them. It is easier to think that one can find a job if the need arises than to find an actual job. If, God forbid, the need arises there are going to be a lot of things clamoring for my attention and at that time looking for a job might be impossible for me even if my survival depended on it. In such a situation, I will have to accept the first job that comes my way instead of holding out for one that suits my qualifications and needs better. Of course, this is "galss half empty" kind of mentality but I always believed in hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

This is not a complete list of my reasons to work outside of home in any way. I have too many things going on right now to sit down and compile an exhaustive list. And the haze of sleep deprivation often obscures any rational thought I get in my mind. This is what came to my mind just as I was typing this post. I have been delaying the posting of it because I wanted to complete the list but now I can't think anymore. So... much... thinking... my... head... hurts...

Mama wraps a mean burrito!!

Month Two...

I know. I know. I know it is long overdue. Will post it soon.

:D

Pretty late in the day, but...

Happy Independence day to all my fellow desis!

The parents/in-laws are here. Things are hectic and fun. More later.

Stupidity - a good start to any day

I had to boil water for Baby M's formula. I put a pan on the counter on the edge of the kitchen sink, turned the faucet so it was over the pan, and turned the water on. I know, I know. I could have held the pan or put it in the sink under the tap but for the first choice - I am lazy and I like to multitask, which is not possible if you are standing just holding a pan under a running faucet and for the second option - I don't like to put clean cookware in the sink which is not clean (even when it has been scrubbed, first with dishwashing detergent and then bleach powder. Yeah, I know. OCD!!) in my opinion.

Now the multitasker that I am, I couldn't just stand there and watch the pan fill up, could I? So I went to get the phone to call a friend of mine. No. I didn't forget the pan under the water! I came back with the phone, but the battery was discharged so I went upstairs to get the second handset from our bedroom. That's when I forgot the pan momentarily. When I came downstairs, I found water over the entire counter and running down UNDER THE STOVE!!!! A leisurely morning just turned into a chaotic sweep-fest. Luckily, Baby M decided to go to sleep (she was in her rocker all this time) so I had one less thing to worry about. Pulled the stove out, swept behind and under it, dried the floor, threw away all the gunk, pushed the stove back in (which was no easy task, believe me - more on "why" later), rearranged everything back on the countertop - all the while talking on the phone, first with my friend then with J. Didn't I tell you I am a multitasker?? :P

Now everything is back in place but we are one step closer to that remodelling of our kitchen we have been talking about. You see, when I pulled the stove out, it wasn't a problem. But what I didn't know that the leg on the rear left side had lost its base and is now just a metal peg. When I started to push the stove back in, that metal peg cut into the ugly vinyl flooring (Good!! Now we can get rid of it and get on with that remodelling we have been dreaming about :D) and got stuck. Once I discovered that, it was just a matter of improvising. I did manage to push it back into place but we are now short two plastic lids for our tupperware :P

Anyhoo. Could things get any worse? I think not. I sure HOPE not!!

HumptyDumpty had a great fall...

... and sprained the ankle in her left leg and pulled a muscle in the right calf. Humpty-Dumpty already had a swollen right wrist and a hurting left shoulder. So, now Humpty-Dumpty is certified "disabled" (I believe that is the latest politically correct term :D)

But the thing that Humpty-Dumpty is most thankful about is that Baby M, who was in her left arm at that time, is safe and sound. Maternal instincts, I guess. As Humpty-Dumpty started falling, her right arm went to hold Baby M securely instead of breaking the fall.

So now The King is pampering Humpty-Dumpty :D

I'm on a roll :P

लालाजी ने केला खाया
केला खा कर मुँह बिचकाया
मुँह बिचका के छिलका फेंका
छिलका फेंक कर कदम बढाया
कदम के नीचे छिलका आया
लालाजी गिरे धडाम!
मुँह से निकला "हाय राम!!"

Remembering childhood

My brother learnt this poem when he was in first grade. I am recording it here in case I lose my mind over the next few years and forget it before I can teach it to my girls :)

सोचा करते हैं हम बच्चे
क्या रखा है बचपन में?
शीघ्र बडे हो जाएँ हम भी
चाह यही रहती मन में

हम भी रोब जमायें सब पर
मूछें रख कर बड़ी बड़ी
ओवर कोट पहन कर घूमें
लिए हाथ मे एक छड़ी

किन्तु बडों की चाह यही है
फिर से बच्चा बन जाएँ
मूंग फली भर कर जेबों में
जहाँ मिले मौका खायें

ये सब गड़बड़ झाला क्या है?
आख़िर कौन बतायेगा?
बच्चे होंगे बडे,
बडों को बच्चा कौन बनाएगा?

Just for the record...

I offered J this space to vent about his in-laws if the need ever arises. He refused saying that he has a lot of capacity to "absorb" (I am sure he meant absorbing whatever in-laws do to drive you crazy!)

I think he just loves his in-laws very much. Don't you?

:D

Yippeeeeeee!

The in-laws are coming to visit us.
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J's in-laws :D

You can send him your emails of sympathy at gettingtherenow at gmail dot com. I'll forward them to him :P

Art? Or Science?

Warning: This is probably going to be one of those posts with an assortment of thoughts just poured out. These thoughts have been bubbling in my mind for quite some time now and it is time they see the light of day or they would surely die in there and no one would ever know that I do get some coherent thoughts during my waking hours.

I have been thinking for quite some time now (Yes. I think.) - is parenting an Art? Or Science? How about a mix of both? Or something totally else? Sometimes I think parenting is a sport - a team sport where the parents have to present a united front to their kids and to the rest of the world.

Whatever it be, there is one thing that it is NOT. Easy. The decision to become a parent may come easy to some. I wasn't one of those lucky ones. In fact, when I and J decided to have children I told him I needed a few more months to get mentally prepared. I didn't want any children for atleast three years after getting married and when the time to make this decision came upon us, we had been married only for two. I wasn't ready. Due to the circumstances (being in a joint family with VERY controlling parents) we hadn't even had any chance to have fun yet! Plus, I had seen how interfering and controlling my in-laws were with the upbringing of my nephew, then 3 years old. I was determined NOT to have children and then be relegated to the background while someone else did the parenting. If I ever had children, I was going to be the parent goddammit!!

I have seen parents who have it all together. All figured out. They don't panic when the baby gets colicky or when sonny boy comes home from school with a note from teacher saying "he jumped off the monkey bars today and could you please talk to him about not banging his head on the wall when his wish is not fulfilled? At least not on the concrete wall?" And they know how to handle these situations. I have also seen self-professed "spreadsheet parents". These have spreadsheets for every possible if-then situation and have read every parenting book there is. Very unimaginative, in my opinion. Then there are some who just swing it. They have no preconceived ideas about how to tackle parenting issues. They just go with the flow. (Don't confuse it with just going along with whatever the kids say - that's not parenting. That is "raising Brats" in my opinion) What I mean by "going with the flow" is that these parents just tackle issues as they come up. They don't have it all charted out as to when will junior go to preschool, when will he start French lessons and when will the Piano lessons follow, which college will he go to and what career will he choose. OK - I know this is extreme but you know what I mean. I belong to this group. Trial-and-Error group. There is a lot of us out there!

No, there was no point to the previous discussion. I told you this is going to be an "assorted" post.

One thing I have noticed is the thankyou notes we get from kids whose birthday party S attends. Specifically Indian kids. The Thank You notes are written by the parents! Or typed and printed by them. They don't even make the kids sign the notes. Even if the kid just turned, say, 8. In my opinion, you won't get a better chance to teach your kids to be thankful for what they got. And to teach them how to say thanks. Or that they should. No wonder the kids today are growing up to feel that they are entitled to everything they get. Effort does not mean anything to them. Nor does gratitude. I think these parents are doing their kids a disservice by not teaching them the responsibility of writing the thankyou notes themselves. And I think this training should start early. When S turned 4, she had just learned how to write her name at the pre-school. After her birthday party was over, I wrote all the Thankyou notes but made her sign each one of them. And she did it excitedly because Wow! Thank you notes! Fun!! That is what I made it out to be. Next year, when she was in Kindergarten, I wrote out the Thankyou message on a sheet of paper, leaving the space for name of the gift blank and she copied the matter into each thankyou note adding the name of the friend and the gift they gave her from a list I had prepared. Of course we didn't do this in one day. It took her the better part of a week to finish all the notes. But I made her do it. Not because I am that cruel mommy who can't be bothered to do these small things on my child's behalf. But because I want her to learn these basic manners and skills. Because I want her to grow up to be an independent adult who takes responsibility for her own actions. And these small lessons go a long way, in my opinion. The next year, when she turned 6, she wrote out each message herself, only asking for my help with spelling. Last year she reminded me that she needed Thank You cards so she could send them to everyone who came to her birthday party. And she wrote out all the messages herself - modifying each one to fit the gift and the giver. She even reminded me that she needs to send thank you notes to people who got her "Big Sister" gifts in my Baby Shower.

A friend of mine argued that at least they are sending the thankyou notes. I agree. But the purpose of a thankyou note is for both, sender and receiver. It makes the receiver happy that their gift was appreciated and it makes the sender (read kids) aware that they are not the center of the universe and there are others who need appreciation as well.

Another thing that amazes me is how many Indian parents sit down and feed even their 5-6 year olds! I see the point if someone says they feed their 2 year old because at that age he/she doesn't know to finish their food. Kids that age (and younger) will just stop eating as soon as they are a little full. I fed my daughter till she was almost three. I would probably have continued (because it was more convenient than sitting at the dining table with her for one hour reminding her to finish her food) if she hadn't gone to pre-school. I took that as an opportunity to teach her to eat on her own. I figured she will learn faster if she saw other kids her age doing it too. I signed her up for the lunch program that the pre-school offered. They charged extra for it because it involved 2 extra hours of lunch and then some arts and craft. Unfortunately she didn't learn it right away. She routinely came back with her lunch box half full (I asked her teachers not to throw away the leftovers so I would know how much she ate). So we set up a rule. If she didn't eat her lunch on any day, she won't be able to watch TV that day (she was allowed to watch two half hour programs every other day). TV days fell on the same days as "school" days. That went well.

A cousin's wife (they live here in the US) mentioned that she had requested her son'd pre-school teacher to feed him because he didn't know how to eat on his own. That, instead of taking this opportunity to teach her son learn something new she just took the easy way out to maintain his current habit is what amazed me. And that the pre-school teacher agreed shocked me. My daughter's preschool teacher would have told me not to worry and that S will eventually learn to eat and wouldn't die of hunger. :D

Again, my issue is NOT with parents feeding their children. My main issue is with the parents' unwillingness to teach their children new skills. I have a friend who feeds her 6 year old son while he runs around playing with toys. She does make him sit down with other kids first but soon joins them and feeds him herself. And she is not the only one I have seen doing it.

This tendency to do everything for their kids, or to "help" them with everything, extends into other areas as well. Homework for example. When S started getting homework in first grade (Norwalk schools have no-homework policy for kindergarteners), she would sit at the dining table (or sometimes in the kitchen) and do her homework. She came to me, or called me, only if she needed help. I or J never hovered over her, or sat with her to help her do her homework. Homework is for reiterating skills learned at school. It is given with the child's grade level in mind. If they did it at school, they can easily do it at home unless they weren't paying attention in class. In that case, they should be made to work harder and should not receive any help in my opinion (Yes, I qualify for the "parent from hell" award). They have to learn to face the music. S had to. When she was in first grade, she once forgot to do her homework even after I reminded her 2-3 times. I didn't remind her after that. Next day her teacher called me at work to tell me that S hadn't done her homework. She thought there must have been a valid reason and in my opinion was looking for reasons to excuse S as she was one of her favorite students. I told the teacher to go right ahead and give her the punishment due someone who doesn't turn in their homework (which was missing the recess and completing their work then). Result? S never forgot to do her homework after that. Had I made an excuse for her or sat down with her the previous day to complete the homework, would she have learnt that responsibility? Nope.

For years my sister-in-law sat down everynight with her son to make him do his homework. During exam time she would study with him as if it were she who was appearing for the exams. If he had to miss classes due to some reason, she would go to his classmates' houses to get notes on what he missed. As a result he scored very good marks but never developed any self-discipline. For years I told her that it was his responsibility to study and finish his homework and hers only to provide him with a suitable environment, time and place and some help if he got stuck. Specially because it was getting more difficult each year to get him to study. The high marks that he got due to his mother's hard work gave him a false confidence that he was intelligent enough to tackle anything at the last minute and get the same high marks. Her argument against what I suggested was "But then he won't do as well. What if he fails?" And my counter-argument would be "You can't go to college with him. The sooner he learns to study on his own, the better. Later it will only become more difficult for him". This year, she finally gave up and left him on his own. And it is difficult for him to study on his own suddenly.

My point is, while doing things for our kids, or laughing at their bad behaviour when they are babies, we forget that they will eventually grow up. And then they will need these skills which they won't have because we never gave them a chance to learn. They will need to learn that the universe doesn't revolve around them and it will come as a big shock. They will need those good manners to get along and be liked, or even respected, by their peers. It is our duty, as parents, to teach them to gradually stand up on their own. To learn self-discipline. To learn good manners. For if we don't teach them, who will?

Pay special attention to the word "gradually" in the previous paragraph. I am not advocating just leaving our kids on their own to eat or do their homework (or learn any other skill for that matter). I am talking about working on developing those skills by gentle persuation or by helping them initially and then slowly letting go. It is pretty much like teaching them how to ride a bicycle.

This, and other parenting startegies/beliefs of ours came under fire a number of times from parents and friends alike. For one, our parents and friends commented many times that we were very strict with S. Because we didn't give her any chocolate/candy until she was 2.5 years old. And we didn't let her watch much TV. We even made her go to bed early (by 7:00 pm). She had to eat whatever was cooked for dinner and I never cooked anything for her separately. I did cook food to cater to her requests but not right then. If the food was too spicey, she knew to eat it with a glass of milk or a bowl of yogurt. But I never, NEVER, cooked separately for her. For all this, and a few other things, we were told "we were ruining her childhood" (for not introducing the important food group - candy), "she will become extra stubborn as she grows up" and that we were being too harsh on her. Thankfully J and I were, and still are, a team where parenting is concerned and we stood by our parenting style. Sure, we had our differences, but we sorted them out in private and not in front of S. Because that would just give her the chance to "divide and rule" if you know what I mean. All kids are very good at that :D

Our strategy with "rules" has been to relax them a little as S grows older and shows us that she is capable and worthy of being given a little freedom. She understands that. When the time comes, we will let her do a few more things that she isn't allowed to do right now. Since she was about 5 years old, she understands that different families have different rules and even if some friend of hers is allowed to do something that she isn't, she cannot argue with us to get permission to do it. Our home. Our rules. That is a pretty tough task to teach a 5 year old, in my opinion.

So, coming back to the question "Art or science?". I think parenting is just plain common sense. Whaddya say??

The Sistahs!!

If Only

Blogging wasn't available when S was born. Even if it was, I didn't know about it. Had it been available (or had I known about it) life would have been so much easier. This is one thing I tell my husband over and over.

If I had a blog then, I would have written about my birthing experience. That would have been one big load off my chest. By God! It would have been ONE BIG RANT! I would have written how, despite telling my OB/GYN and discussing it with J before hand that I wanted HIM next to me at the time of delivery, my MIL was in there with me AGAINST MY WISHES. And she actively discouraged J from coming in even after I asked for him a number of times. In fact, he was kept busy on pretext of other errands so he couldn't come be with me. I would have written how the nurse who was helping me during labor had forced me to start pushing very early on even though the doctor had left strict instructions NOT to do so until she told me, and how my MIL coerced me into listening to that dumb-ass nurse. How S' heartrate went down because of this and when the doctor asked if I had been pushing and I said yes the nurse made me do so, the nurse lied point blank. I would have told you how weak I felt after a whole day of useless pushing - so much so that when it was time to really push, I had no strength left. I would have remembered to log how my BIL (who is an anaesthesiologist and was present during my C-section) came into the delivery room and yelled at me for not pushing hard enough. (He was concerned about the C-section the doctor said I must have, but still...)

I would definitely have written about how my MIL picked a fight with J during my hospital stay, IN FRONT OF ME about why he took three days off for our daughter's birth. "Wouldn't we have taken care of your wife?" she asked. I would have written how shocked I was at this - how can a man NOT take a few days off at his first child's birth? And I would have cried on this blog about the first time MIL snatched S from my hands because I was "making her cry". I would have written about the million other tussels that went on in our family over Baby S. I would have penned how I was sad that I didn't feel the elation of bringing home a baby that I should have. Or that I was only important until Baby S was delivered. After that no one cared about my comfort. No one even bothered to talk to me - they would just come and take Baby S away to play with her while I sat alone in my room. I didn't even have the excuse to have her with me for nursing since amid all this chaos I didn't lactate properly.

If I had a blog back then, you would have known all my struggles as a "single" parent when J came over to the US and I stayed back with his family for a couple more months. How, even though there were 4 more adults in the house with me, I sometimes had to take Baby S with me to the bathroom because I couldn't find two hands willing to hold her. How a NINE year old boy, who lived with us, could see that I was about to drop dead from exhaustion and offered to babysit S while I took a nap but none of the other adults noticed.

Oh, I would have SO MUCH to tell! IF I had a blog then. But I didn't. So, I couldn't.

Best Laid Plans

Mad Momma asked "Are you where you planned to be?" I've been thinking since. Not if I am where I planned to be. I know where I am. I've been thinking about doing this post ever since. When I first set up this blog, I chose my blogger ID "GettingThereNow" for certain reasons. And I planned on doing a post on why I chose it some time in the future. I think that time is now.

Well, I always knew I wanted to be financially independent and planned on getting a job as soon as I finished my Master's. Then when J and I decided to spend our lives together, he mentioned that his dad was dead against daughters in law working outside of home. Plan no. 1 crashed! I wasn't one to be held back so I decided if I couldn't just stay at home and I did want to marry J, then I could at least run my own business. J said that should be fine with his parents. (Well, he should have known better. :P)For two years after finishing my studies, I worked at a small coaching & software development institute because I figured I'd get experience in all aspects of running a business that way. And I did. When I got married and finally started my own coaching institute (even though I wanted to be in software development instead), everything was well in the beginning and I even got a lot of help from my MIL in balancing my work and home responsibilities. I guess my in-laws figured it was some temporary hobby of mine and once I tired of it, I would just go back to my "main" responsibilities i.e. house chores. When it became obvious that I took it seriously, MIL started to resent it even though I never neglected my duties towards the house and family. But stubborn that I am, I just persevered and kept going with my classes.

I had big plans for this business of mine. I also wanted to get into the field of software development and the time was right because many small businesses were beginning to realize that they needed to computerize their systems. I told J I wanted to develop software more than teach so he tried to find a project for us to work on and did find one. A school wanted him to develop a software for them to maintain all their student records. J asked me if I wanted to do it and I jumped at the opportunity. But you can't develop software out of thin air. You have to gather requirements and for that you need to sit down with the client to get an idea about what they need and want out of the project. "Not so fast!" said FIL. No DIL of mine will ever step out of the house to go to a client's site. Plan 2 crashed.

I swallowed the bitter frustration and put all my energy into my classes. Now I figured I'd get government accreditation for a few courses and move my business to a proper site - till now I was running the business out of my home. We had set up one hall for classes with computers for lab work. Even though I was running the classes out of home, I tried to keep it as professional as I could. That meant I finished all house chores before classes started and never went in during the classes. I wanted it to be more professional than just some housewife giving tuitions to a bunch of kids. And it was. I had batches running from 7:30 in the morning till 5:30 in the evening with just three 15 minute breaks. Each batch had at least 4 and maximum 8 students. Students were coming to me just by word of mouth. I never had to advertise. Then J got an offer from a company that trained people and sent them to the US on projects. So my plan for a government accredited institute flew out the window.

Then we planned to have a baby before leaving for the US. I must say that was the only thing that went according to plan in all those years after getting married. And I thank God for that! S came into our lives within a year. I wanted very little age difference between my kids. 2.5 years at the most. Because I figured that way they'd grow up as best buddies. Plan number 4 went off-track this time. After this I stopped counting.

I was so depressed after having S that initially I put off the planning for second baby myself. I still think that was a smart decision. When S was about 3.5 years old, I decided I was well enough to try for another baby so we started trying. Nothing. 4 long years of nothing. That is another part of my life that I have already discussed in my earlier posts.

When S was a year old, I decided it was time for me to go back to work. That is how I and J had planned it - I'd stay at home for a year and then go back to work. I found a company that agreed to sponsor my H1B visa. Sent them all my papers in January of 2000. I kept following up with my account manager and he kept reassuring me that everything was going smoothly. Then, in April I called him to ask the status of my visa application and he informed that he had "forgotten" to file my application. That is one thing I still can't wrap my mind around - how can someone "forget" to do their job? Anyway, he filed my papers then and I finally got my work visa in October that year. I needed to get my papers stamped and since we were visiting India in November, I got them stamped at the Mumbai consulate. Came back in December, arranged for a daycare for S and by February beginning I was all set to start looking for a job. The IT bubble burst right around that time and there were no more jobs. Another plan goes poof! I kept looking for a job but after September 11th, I really gave up hope of ever finding a job until our green card came through because companies weren't hiring any H1B holders anymore.

In beginning of the next year (2003) I decided that if I ever wanted to return to the job market, it wasn't going to happen on my current skill set. So I decided to upgrade it. In fact, I decided to change fields completely. I switched from software development to Networking. Went back to school, earned a certification and found an internship through my college co-op in October 2004. In February/March 2005 my brother introduced me to blogging and I opened this blog. At that time, I had a part time job, our green-card processing was moving along at a good pace and I was beginning to feel that things were looking up again. I felt I was slowly getting where I wanted to be. Hence the blogger ID - Gettingtherenow.

I am still not where I want to be in my chosen profession. I have a long way to go. But I am sure I will get there. Even if I have to go back to college with my daughters :D It is like my wish list just reached God and he is fulfilling each wish one by one. Job - Check. House - Check. Baby - Check. Career advancement is next. I am finally getting there now.

Teaching an old dog old tricks

Yes. Pointless, isn't it? To teach the same tricks over and over to a dog? That is what it feels like people are (figuratively) trying to do ever since Baby M arrived. Trying to teach us parenting! Granted, S is almost 9 years old. But that doesn't mean that we have forgotten our parenting skills!

So we had a friend telling us (before Baby M arrived) that babies keep you up at night. Thankyou!! I had forgotten that. I didn't remember that when S was born, I had to wake up every 45 minutes - you could set your watch by the regularity of it - feedings every 1.5 hours and nappy changes every 1.5 hours, both equally spaced at 45 minute intervals of each other.

Another one's mom told me that they should be burped after every feed. Really?? No Kidding? So, you mean I cannot just feed her and then throw her down in her crib so she can go to sleep? And when she just won't burp even after 45 minutes of a feed and is sleeping soundly, do you mean to tell me that I should sit up with her the whole damn night until she burps???? Hot dang!! I didn't know that!

Yet another irritating friend tells me that I shouldn't make too many plans regarding nursing Baby M (and other things about bringing her up) because life doesn't always go according to plans. This happened when I had started to mention to her that I was planning on trying my best to nurse Baby M for as long as I can and for that I was going to buy a breast pump. Pat came the advice "You shouldn't set yourself up for disappointment because, you know, sometimes things don't go accroding to plan." I felt like saying - You sure?? 'Coz all my plans always came through - right from having a career, to running my own business to spacing my kids only 2 years apart to having at least 3 kids. Yup! And infertility? I planned that too. So I don't know a thing about plans not materializing.

The above mentioned friend went on to say that I must have forgotten half the things since S is already 8 (her own daughter is 9, so she remembers stuff from her early days... how???) And when I politely reminded her that I do remember quite a few things just like she does, she got offended and said she won't give me any more advice since I seem so much in control of things anyway. Thank you very much, I said. To her credit, true to her word, she has stopped sending unsolicited advice my way. We still see each other occasionally and get along pretty well. I am glad that was "amicably" sorted out :D

A well meaning friend mentioned that we should have more than one (read 4-5) of certain things (like nasal aspirators, thermometers etc.) because "you'll see, you will always keep them somewhere and won't be able to find them the next time". Really? 'Coz, I don't know about you but I like to keep things organized. I have a basket filled with all the stuff that we need for Baby M (ranging from her nail clipper to her diapers and diaper ointment) and we carry that around the house with us. Even if we don't carry it around, we know where to go look if we need diapers, or wipes or even a bib.

Another cried out "Aise nahi pakadte hain!" (you shouldn't hold her like that) the moment J picked Baby M up to burp her after a feed. There was nothing wrong in the way J was holding M. He has more experience in holding and playing with very small babies than me. But just because he is the dad doesn't mean he doesn't know a thing about holding babies.

So, lactation problems, night time feedings, sleep-deprived haze, constant diapering and nursing and pumping are not enough for us. Bring on your redundant parenting advice too!

Note: I am not against advice that is really helpful or that I asked for in the first place. It is unsolicited advice about simple things that everyone must know that irritates me. And the "I-won't-stop-to-ask-you-if-you-already-know-this-and-won't-let-you-get-a-word-in-until-I-stop-for-a-breath-which-will-be-two-days-from-now-so-you-don't-hold-your-breath" kind of advice.

Reflections...

We got some more updates on the health of our friend S. He had been running a fever and met an accident while going to the ER to get that checked. That resulted in his spleen getting ruptured. He had to undergo an emergency operation for removal of his spleen, lost a lot of blood and was lucky to have gone to the ER when he did otherwise "anything could have happened" according to the surgeon who performed the surgery.

We visited him and his family on last Sunday. We couldn't do more but figured our presence might give them some comfort. S told J then that some cancerous cells had been found in his spleen when it was sent to pathology for further tests to figure out why was it swollen in the first place. His fever hadn't gone down either. Yesterday R, his wife, told us that chemotherapy has been started because he has lymphoma.

Needless to say, we are sad and shocked. Of course we have heard of people getting cancer before but it hits you harder when it is close to home. And we are numbed by the realization how close we came to losing S. His wife, a true optimist, said the accident was a blessing in disguise because otherwise they wouldn't have found out about the cancer. It seems the cancer is still in early stages. He is already on chemothrapy. It is making him sick and weak. He can barely talk because one of the side effects of one of the drugs is that it makes the patient short of breath. His dad is alone in India (mom is here) and doesn't know all this. He is diabetic and they haven't told him for the fear that he'll take it hard and might react badly. They don't want to take that risk since he is alone there.

Friends are rallying around them. But, no matter how many people visit, or stay with them or bring food and comfort, both of them have to go through their individual pain alone. He, of getting the devastating news that he has been struck by one of the most dreaded diseases. And she, of seeing someone she loves go through so much suffering, and facing the worst fears alone. On top of all this, they have to console their parents that everything is going to be alright. In a time like this, when you need all the support you can get, having to suck it up and saying to your parents "It's not a big deal. Look on the brighter side. Had I not been in that accident, we would never have caught this disease this early" takes a special kind of bravado. I don't think I could ever do that. I would just melt down in my own misery.

And they have small kids. Older son just turned 7 and the younger one is a year old. To face the possibility that they might have lost their father is so upsetting. I keep thinking how S and R must be feeling. We still don't know what his prognosis is. We are going to visit them again tomorrow - just to be with them. There is nothing more we can do except show them that we will always be there. We don't know what stage the cancer is in or if it is treatable or curable (yes, there is a difference). I wish I could ask the doctor all these questions myself until I get all the answers. I don't want to keep asking R because I don't want her to go through all this over and over. It must be upsetting to repeat all the details to all enquiring friends. S did say last time that people don't realize that he is sick and keep calling him incessantly to chat. Thankfully, we didn't make that mistake. We did try to call frequently, but we always called R and not S.

This kind of thing also makes you realize how frail life is. And that it could easily have been you. It makes you reflect and introspect and evaluate where do you stand. Will your family be able to survive such a blow? Will you fall apart or march along bravely facing everything life throws at you? Will you be alone or have friends by your side? What will happen to your kids? Your spouse? Will they miss you? How long? What about folks back home? Will you get a chance to say "Good Bye" and "I Love you"? What about your dreams and aspirations? To have a number put on the length of one's life is the cruelest thing that could happen to anyone. That is a sobering thought.

If you cannot go to the gym...

...make the gym come to you!

We bought this over the weekend. A treadmill! We had been contemplating buying one since I got gestational diabetes and didn't buy one just because we were unwilling to spend all that money. But now it was becoming apparent that I needed desparate help in shedding those pounds that I accumulated during my IVF treatments and then during the pregnancy. Even now I am at a weight that I have never been at even at the peak of my last pregnancy. A whopping 181 pounds!! There. I said it. I am kind of ashamed of my weight right now, though I don't know why. It wasn't as if I could avoid gaining it. I gained only 20 pounds during my pregnancy, and my OB/GYN and edocrinologist were very happy with that fact (and it took a lot of effort to limit the weight gain to 20, believe me) But I gained over 20 pounds in the year before I conceived and while I should have adopted an exercise regimen (rather, maintained the one I had), it was next to impossible with so many balls in the air to juggle. A full-time job, IVF treatments, a new home, in-laws (and the accompanying stress :D) and a family to take care of. The biggest one was my commitment to my daughter's school PTO - I was her school's rep for the Norwalk PTO committee and had to attend monthly meetings. As a rep I also had to attend vendor fairs and other events organized by the committe, report back to the school's PTO about what was discussed at the PTO committee, was part of her school's Technology committee, took an active part in voicing school-parents' concerns in front of the Board of ed and the superintendent, and also voiced our concerns at the town's budget hearings because they were thinking of making cuts to the school board's budget. Some of these meetings ran till 10 or 11 and I had one meeting every week on an average (sometimes more). All this went on practically till the end of school year (June) which means that I was doing all this almost till the end of my pregnancy.

Anyhoo. So here we are now - at 181 lbs. At least 50 pounds to lose. An added incentive is the endocrinologist's warning. If I don't lose the weight, my chances of getting diabetes are 50%. If I do manage to lose even some of the weight, my chances go down to 5%. Simple, isn't it?! Not quite. For now, between the constant feeding, nursing and pumping sessions, not to mention other house chores, I have to fit in an exercise program. And blogging :D And I am going back to work in 4 weeks. Sssssssscary!

One glimmer of hope - the arrival of my parents on August 16th. I am eagerly waiting for them. Hopefully their arrival will give me and J the much needed respite from our grueling schedules. Not that we are planning to dump all work on them. But we will have them to take care of Baby M if, say, we have to mow the lawn or trim the bushes (yup! we have to do that too!), or do one of the 1000 other jobs around the house that lie ignored right now. I am also looking forward to leaving the kids with them one night and going out for a quiet movie and a dinner with J. Been a long time since we did that. Almost a year - the last time we did that was when J's parents were visiting us last year. One thing that I am looking forward to the most is spending some time with my parents. The last time they visited us, I had school 4 nights of the week in addition to my full-time job. This time too I considered signing up for a class since they will be here to help but decided against it. The class will have to wait even though it does have the potential of giving my career a much-needed boost. This time, I'll get about 15 days with them at home before I go to work and this time around I am much more disciplined and efficient so I am hoping we will get more time together on week-nights and weekends.

So, now the treadmill awaits me! I am looking forward to making its acquaintence tonight. Which means I have to get off my big fat butt RIGHT NOW and prepare dinner while Baby M is sleeping. Ciao!

A memorable day - in more than one ways

This is what J gave me for my birthday - a gift card to this place. A spa, a spa, A SPA!! I am psyched! And have already decided what I'm getting done. A pedicure and a manicure!! I was always very particular about the state of my feet. I couldn't stand it if my feet got dirty even if it was "just dust". Lately, due to various responsibilities and our hectic schedule, I've become lax and don't take care of my feet as much as I would like to. Now is the chance! And once I have tried the place out (and the service) I might go back for an all-out facial. Really could do with five years off my face and some relaxation.

I need to get an appointment 2 weeks in advance though and picking up the phone for any reason is far from my thoughts right now. I find it highly bothersome to answer the phone on some days because I am too lazy!

Anyway, getting back to "the day". J gave me the first card and the gift at 12 am. S gave me a card the first thing in morning before she got ready and left for camp. Phone calls started coming in from 7:30 am. No. Actually, phone calls started coming in from the previous day. One of J's friends called at 11:30 pm the night before.

The day itself was mostly spent catering to a cranky Baby M. She got her first shots the day before and the second day was the most uncomfortable for her. At one point I got very irritated at her crankiness but then I remembered how I had given up all hopes of ever having a baby to hold and to cuddle. That changed my perspective and my day turned into the best birthday I ever had. Because on this birthday I had what I desired for the most in the last 5 years. By evening though, her crankiness had started rubbing off on me. Even though it was a week-night and S had camp the next day, we decided to go out for dinner.

This was Baby M's first night out for dinner. And she behaved gloriously! Never once did she cry or fuss or make a scene in general that we were so afraid she'd do. Specially because she was hopping mad when we put her in the car seat and took forever to calm down. She did wake up as soon as appetizers were served (those darned sensors of hers that warn her whenever mommy is about to eat/sleep/pee/pump/talk/relax!) I gave her the bottle and she went back to sleep peacefully and we had our dinner in peace after that. S was so tired that she could hardly finish her dinner (chicken tikka masala that she LOVES) and almost went to sleep on the table. But she hasn't been a fussy child anyway. We came back home by 10:30 or 11 (I don't remember), put both kids in bed, finished off our tasks (sterilizing bottles, carrying up all M's stuff that we would need during the night, putting away the doggie bags that we brought home) as fast as we could and were in bed before midnight and believe me you, it is a herculean task these days. No matter how hard I work during the day, or how beautifully I manage my rouitne throughout the day, or how much J helps out, I can never get in bed before 12:30 or even 1 (on good days).

S got a "coupon book for mommies" for my birthday and now gives me a coupon every now and then :) The last one promised I could take a day off and the one before that promised help with grocery shopping and putting away of all the stuff when we get home. Oh, and ALL the cards she got me were signed "From S and M". I have no tension about sibling rivalry at least for now.

We did forget one "tradition" of ours because we were so darned tired that day. On every special occasion (birthdays, anniversaries) we get Tiramisu from the local Shoprite store. They have the BEST Tiramisu we ever tasted. This time we plum forgot. But we remembered it later so J got it on Monday. And I never got roses this time :( But I didn't create a scene (Good girl!!) because I know how tired J gets and that he remembered to get me the gift shows how much he still thinks about me. Next year he is not getting off easy :D

This too shall (unfortunately) pass

For a kid living in the US, and one that mostly converses in english, S is pretty good at hindi too. Her hindi, though a little grammatically wrong and severely limited in vocabulary, is strong enough that she can hold a conversation in hindi interspersed with english words and wrong usage of grammar. I love that! These are the moments that remind me that my S is still a little girl. I cherish this broken hindi!

The other day I was taking S to the swim practice. She was in the back with Baby M and observing her quite intently. Baby M, it seems, was making funny faces (probably trying to push that "ball" of gas out :P) so S says "Aap ganda muh bana rahe ho - mamma se aapko BIG FAT daant milegi" (you are making "bad" face. You will get a big fat scolding from mommy). Then she says to me "Isko BIG FAT daant dena" (give her a BIG FAT scolding)!

My mom still remembers the time when S innocently asked her over the phone "आपके पास रात है? हम के पास दिन है" (She meant "Is it night at your end? Here it is day")

And she routinely gets confused between "Apan" (अपन) and "Hum" (हम). Today she was telling me "अपन कल बीच (beach) जायेंगे " when she actually meant " हम कल बीच जायेंगे ". I love this and am so sad that it is only here for a little while more. My little girl will grow up pretty soon.

Nothing is more irritating than...

... an 8 year old standing in front of the microwave, counting minutes (on its display) go by, while she is waiting for her friend to come over for a play-date :D

Bad, bad, BAD mommy!

Let the nurse poke poor little baby with a needle THREE times! Then pressed cold ice against the poor little baby's boo boo. Also let the doctor interrupt poor little baby's feeding session to poke and press and prod and pull. BAD MOMMY!

Oooooh! I just realized...

..my birthday is just 2 days away!!

Of friends, friendships and family

Some friendships develop fast and then fizzle out. Some people suddenly come through for you in some crisis and make you realize that they are more than "people" - they are your friends. Some friends take time to grow on you. That kind of friendship lasts through times and sometimes, generations.

A dear friend of ours is in the hospital today. He is the kind that irritates the heck out of you in the beginning and then you slowly realize that he is not so bad and then one day he is like family. Then whatever traits of his irritated you in the past either don't mean anything or just don't irritate you that much now. You realize that the irritating qualities were nothing but mere grains of sand in your shoes - not that important if you come to think of it. And the good qualities, mainly his ability to be a good friend and the way he cares about your whole family, is what matters the most.

J met him when he joined the company that sent him here on H1B visa. They were both trained on the same project and came to the US almost together. He settled down in New Jersey and we made Connecticut our home. Two years back, he purchased a townhouse and moved a little farther but distance couldn't douse this friendship. We still visit each other, even if less frequently, and are ALWAYS there on special occasions. I remember, I used to butt heads with him everytime we met. Slowly, I grew up and so did he :D Now I can't remember when was the last argument we had. Probably when he told me I shouldn't wear high heels during pregnancy (I was 8 months pregnant then). It was a very short argument - I said "Oh yeah? I don't think so!" and that was that!!

His wife called today. He had been running a fever since quite a few days. In fact, we just visited them last weekend for his son's birthday party. I was going to write a post on that because that was Baby M's first long distance trip. He was running a fever even then and didn't hold M for the fear of passing on his infection to her. Yesterday, he and his wife were going to the hospital for his checkup when they met an accident and his spleen ruptured. I don't know all the details of how it was diagnosed, but they came back home initially. Later they went back to the hospital and he was operated upon and his spleen removed. He is in the ICU and going to stay there till tomorrow. His BP is still on the low side - he lost a lot of blood. They took out 1.5 litres of blood from his stomach. They still don't know what caused the fever in the first place. More tests will be run once he is out of the ICU.

J rushed to New Jersey as soon as he learnt of all this. I wanted to go too but we decided against it because with M, I would probably be more of a burden than help. But I desparately want to be there. Tomorrow we will probably all go back (if J comes back tonight) and I can cook something to take with me so R, his wife, doesn't have to worry about that at least.

S wanted to know if she will miss camp and we said yes. She was a little disappointed but I explained to her that friends and family take precedence over everything else and he is definitely family. She understands.

Get well soon, S.

Fair is fair...

I like for things to be in a balance. Maybe it is another OCD of mine! I just did a post on judging others. Now I am going on the other side of the fence and writing down what I admire in others. I always try to find something to admire in everyone - even in people I dislike.

1. I admire people who can stand up for themselves. Over the past three years, I have had the chance to work with a few women who know how to demand respect and who stand up for themselves. I've learnt a lot from them.

2. I admire men who respect their wives for their capabilities. I admire men who treat women as their equals. It is sad that I have to admire men for being the way they should be anyways, but seeing as how few of them there are, I admire those who stand apart.

3. I admire parents who have more patience than I do :D

4. I admire people who can say "I was wrong. I am sorry". It takes a lot of courage to do that.

5. I admire people who stand up for others. It is very easy to defend your own rights but very difficult to stick your neck out for others.

6. I admire those who can conduct an argument without yelling or uttering obscenities. It takes a lot of restraint I think :)

7. I admire those who can stick to their convictions/opinions even if the whole world turns against them. It takes a special kind of perseverance.

8. I admire parents who can accept their mistakes in front of their kids. I admire parents who help their kids be independent even if it means making an occasional wrong choice. Being a parent I know how tough it is to watch your kids make mistakes but I also know how important it is to give them the chance to do so and learn life's important lessons through them.

Now I tag my fellow judges to come on to this side of the fence and write about the people/traits they admire. MadMomma, Gauri, Kiran, Rohini, Tharini, Kodi's Mom, SS, Grail, Lumi, MintChutney, OJ, Boo, Poppins, Trishna, Itchingtowrite, ArtNavy, SM, Anisha, Orchid, Broom and HiphopGMom - Tag! You're ALL "it". Anyone else who wants to pick it up - please do!

Judgment Day: The verdict is out!

I emotionally blackmailed MadMomma into tagging me for this. I am to confess how judgmental I am of other people. Broom started this tag and after reading her post I was forced to do some soul searching. I found out I am not as non-judgmental as I'd like to think. On the bright side though, I am less so now than before. I do have strong opinions on many matters but I think there is a fine line between "strong opinions" and "judging". So I deeply analyzed my beliefs and came up with this list. The rest of the things I criticize? Honey, I am just expressing a "strong opinion" then :P

1. I judge people who have different standards/expectations for boys and girls. I judge gender stereotyping. I have an opinion about dressing them in pink and blue but that I can live with. It’s the bigger issues like education, marriage, work that get my goat (and cow, and sheep and all other livestock!! :D) A friend once said (when his wife was pregnant with their first one) “If it is a girl, we will go back to India because girls need to stay close to family and learn about love and respect”. WTF?? Don’t boys need to learn that too? And who says you can only do that when you live close to them?

2. I judge people (and I have said that in my comment on Mad Momma’s post) who send their kids to India, or to another city if they themselves live in India, to be raised by grandparents. Having the grandparents help out temporarily might be fine (I am waaaaaaaay too judgmental on this, you can tell) but when you have gotten your act together, PLEASE go get your children back. I am not talking about people who do that out of necessity. I am talking about those who send their 2-3 year olds (even younger) to India because they don't want the American culture to influence them (I HAVE seen this!) or just so the wife can go out to work too (seen that too and much as I am an advocate of WOHMs, I draw the line at this. I would stay at home if I had no where to send my kids except to a different city/country to live with my parents) Kids should ALWAYS stay with their parent(s) (except in abusive relationships). No one can care for a child more than the parents. Just for the record – I love my parents deeply and get along very well with them. I know they will take good care of my daughters, but still I think only I can take better care of them. (overconfidence, I know!)

3. I judge men who don’t treat their wives with respect. Men who think their wives are capable of nothing except cooking and taking care of their homes. I judge men who treat women with disrespect just because they are women, and hence “lower in intelligence than them”. I judge women who think men are superior to them. I judge women who cannot stand up to their husbands’ atrocious behaviors. I judge women who cannot stand up for themselves. For some time, right after getting married, I was one of those women. So I judge myself – harshly. But I overcame that and learnt to stand up for myself. So can others.

4. I judge non-parents. These are parents who do not control/discipline their kids and let them run amok anywhere and everywhere. These non-parents don’t teach their kids to respect other people, their feelings or properties. These non-parents always say “What can I do? He/She doesn’t even listen to me!” I always say to them – remember who the parent is and parenting becomes easier.

5. I judge people who are not kind and polite to other people who might be lower in social status than them. Everyone knows how to be polite to their peers and superiors. It is people who are polite to even the disadvantaged around them who earn my respect. I judge people who are disrespectful towards their elders. If I see a kid under the age of 5 (because after that they should know better) being disrespectful, I judge their parents for not teaching them the right values.

6. I judge managers who don’t treat their subordinates with respect. I have been that kind of manager and I judge myself harshly. I am a better person for it but I still regret ever having been like that.

7. I judge people who do not take any steps/actions to improve their status in life – spiritually or financially or any other way possible. I judge them when they complain about their lives but make no effort to improve it.

8. I judge people who don’t wash their hands. Yes! This one habit can protect you and those around you, from numerous colds and other infections. I judge those who don’t maintain hygiene. I don’t mind messy, but dirty I can’t stand.

9. I judge religious fanatics who try to impose their beliefs on others. I respect all religions and religious choices. But I want an equal respect for mine.

10. I judge those who cannot bear to see other people’s progress. Or their new house. Or the pool in their backyard :D I judge those who are so insecure that other people’s success irritates them. I judge people who, because of their insecurities, consider themselves better than others. Let’s face it – no one is better than others in ALL aspects. We all have our weaknesses and strengths.

11. I judge people who are not comfortable in their own skins.

12. I judge pessimists. People who only see the grey or black, or think only about why something shouldn’t be done or could fail. I am a glass-half-full kind of gal myself.

Now I tag my "judging peers" - Kiran, Grail, SS, Anumita, MintChutney, Anisha, Something To Say, Lumi, Ardra , Boo, and OJ. And everyone else who would like to do this tag.

How could I forget this???

In my last post I absolutely forgot the best part - how J proposed to me. I started writing the post because I wanted to share and record that and by the time I got to the end, it completely slipped my mind! Given my swiss chesse memory, its not surprising. A lot of post worthy ideas have been boiling in my mind but either I don't ge the time or by the time I sit down to blog, they vanish.

Lionel Richie's "Hello" is my favorite song. Why? Because....

In April'92 when J finally decided to propose again, this is what he did. He recorded an audio
cassette for me (we used to do that a lot - record audio cassettes for each other as gifts) and gave it to me with the explicit instruction of calling him once I'd listened to the first song. So I popped the cassette in the cassette player as soon as I got home and this is the song that played. "Hello". Even now, when I listen to this song, I get goose bumps. Especially when I get to the part "I can see it in your eyes... I can see it in your smile... You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide..."

I did call him as soon as the song finished. I don't remember what he asked or what my reply was but it must have been "yes" because its been over 15 years and we are still together. And still in love...

Updated: GGOP pointed out a huge mistake in my post - I was talking about the Lionel Richie song and put down the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's song. How embarassing is that? Especially when you have just proclaimed that song to be your favorite?! In my defense though - I am really messed up with sleep deprivation. Thanks GGOP!

Must have been the Fates*

Grail said "tell me your engagement story". Well this isn't exactly an engagement story, but this is what led to the engagement.

I always wanted to be a surgeon. A neuro-surgeon at that. And I was pretty serious about that. This was not just a childhood ambition, it was a much thought-out, family-supported, suits-my-temperament-and-talents kind of career choice. Then suddenly, in grade 12 just before finals, I changed my mind. Just like that. No questions, no explanations. Now I wanted to study Electronics/Computers. Go the MCA/MBA route to get a good degree and then a good job - fast. Luckily, my parents never forced their opinions or decisions on me. So even though they were convinced that I was making a mistake, they let me do this. And for this I am eternally grateful to them. I have seen way too many lives messed up because parents tried to live their lives through their kids by forcing their decision upon them. Anyway, I digress...

So, I made a choice and stuck to it. Opted for Mathematics, Electronics and Physics in B.Sc. Wasn't too motivated to study though - B.Sc. was just a necessary evil I had to put up with in order to do MCA or MBA, because both these courses required a bachelor's degree. I studied just enough to score a first division. Then, one day in Dec '89/Jan '90 something happened that would change the course of my life. We didn't get our regular English Newspaper (Times Of India) that day. Instead, the newspaper-wallah threw a copy of Hindustan Times on our porch. And thus started a twist in my fate which would otherwise not have happened.

A little before this, my mother had caught me skipping classes at college to go out with 3 of my friends one of whom was my boyfriend. We had recently had a tiff and were trying to sort that out - the other two friends acting as mediators (it was a big "tiff"). Mom didn't approve of me having a boyfriend, nor did she approve of this particular boyfriend. So, in the evening she had a lengthy discussion with me, during which I told her that I was sure of my choice and wouldn't budge. As I said earlier, my parents never forced their opinions or decisions on me. So Ma grudgingly accepted my decision on one condition - I wouldn't even think about marriage until I finished my studies and had a good job. This is exactly what I had in mind too, so I agreed.

As it happened, the day we received the copy of Hindustan Times, the newspaper ran an ad for a Master's program in Indore, run by Indore University. This was different from other MCA programs - this had both, computer and management subjects. The curriculum looked good. It was a Master's degree program and accredited by some government organization for technical courses. I looked at it and knew that I wanted to do this. There was only one problem - my dad would never let me go out of town, much less out of state, to study. He had always been overprotective of me. And it wasn't like my town had any dearth of good schools. It had reputed medical and engineering colleges. And an MBA program that people from all over the state, and even from other states came to attend. So I chucked the thought of going to Indore to do MCM (Master of Computer Management) out of my mind. Then one day my mom asked me if I had any plans for my future once I completed my Bachelor's. I was in the final year then. I mentioned the MCM program to her and said "Pa isn't going to let me go anyway". To my surprise she said she or my dad would never stop me from going anywhere if it were for further studies. So I applied for the program but never got an application form back from them. I assumed that either the admissions were closed or I had been disqualified. But my cousin, who lived in Indore, followed up with the university and they said I could still appear for the entrance exam because there has been some glitch in sending out the forms. This was barely 2 days before the exam. I took the exam without any preparations and, to my surprise, cleared it!! Then I was called for a group discussion which I cleared too and then for a personal interview. After so many hurdles, I finally got accepted into the program!

Classes started in July '90. On around tenth day, I saw a new face in the library. By then I had made myself comfortable in the department and was being my usual cheerful, loud self - even in the library! So when I saw this new, shy face outside the library, I invited him in saying "Consider this your own library. Come on in!!" Got a shy smile in return. A few days passed. I found out that the "new face" was in my class. His name was J. Gradually we started exchanging hellos. Then we became friends. Exchanged notes, sometimes did our labs together. By September of that year we had become very good friends. We studied together, exchanged notes, did our labs together, exchanged novels and poetry and even sat together in class.

One day, J came in with a long face. Upon much prodding, he blurted out that other students in our class were gossiping about us and that he was very disturbed about it. He said he didn't want my name to be maligned by these gossip mongers so it was best we stopped talking to each other. I was furious! I wasn't going to let a good friend go just because some people couldn't imagine in their petty minds that a boy and a girl could be "just friends"! And besides, I already had a boyfriend. I had already told J about my boyfriend back home. (He wasn't actually "back home". He was in another city, studying engineering) So, we continued our friendship. By the end of that year, we had added 4 others to our group and we were all inseparable - Roopali, Ashish, Nandita, Nikhil, myself and J. By Valentine's day next year, I had a feeling that J, MAYBE, liked me. But I knew he knew about my boyfriend so didn't think much of it.

On April 1st 1991, J handed me a card when I got to college. In it he professed his love for me in the most beautiful words. I was speechless and heartbroken. Because I understood his pain. To love someone and not be reciprocated is the saddest thing. Then J handed me another card - an April Fool's card! And J made fun of me saying he didn't love me. He only said it as an April Fool's joke. We both laughed and our friendship continued as before.

In September, my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend started getting rocky. I finally realized that he didn't respect me or my career choice (he actually made fun of it because I wasn't studying engineering or medicine and isn't that what you're supposed to study if you are really sincere about your career?) So, I broke it off with him. Before doing that I confided in J (we were best friends after all) who tried hard to dissuade me from making this decision. I didn't listen to him. That break-up and its fall-out is in itself material for another post. Life went on as usual.

After about 3-4 months, Ashish - another dear friend of mine, took me aside and asked me if I was aware of J's feelings for me. I said I was. He asked what was keeping me from reciprocating those feelings openly because he knew I cared for him too. I told him I didn't want to make another relationship-mistake so I wanted to take my own time before making a decision. He said he'd wait for it. Some more time went by. By March '92 I was sure I cared deeply for J too and he must have sensed it because on April 7, 1992 he proposed again. This time, I accepted.

*Fates: Fates Greek & Roman Mythology. The three goddesses, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos, who control human destiny. Used with the.

Observation...

Wednesdays are bad days to have a headache. You have Thursday and Friday ahead of you. Not to mention, swim practice. For the older one. Who needs to be dropped off at the Y. And guess who's driving?

In fact, ANY day is a bad day to have a headache right now. Especially when the headache seems to be a migraine. And when the baby is screaming her head off in your ear.

Month One...

...went by pretty quickly. And there is so much I want to share. So much I want to record. Somewhere I feel bad that I didn't get to do this for S. But, blogging wasn't around at that time (or if it was, I wasn't aware of it) and I am not much of a scrapbook kind of person. I'll try and remember things about S when she was at a similar stage and record them here. Actually, I don't want to record just Baby M's milestones. I want to record OUR milestones together - as parents, as older sister, as the new baby in the family. I am too lazy, no make that BUSY, to record all these milestones separately.

Sometimes I look at Baby M and realize that I never got to see that stage of S just because when she was born in Indore, I would hardly get her. She was always in someone else's arms. And since I didn't nurse her much, I didn't have even that excuse to keep her with me. Some would call it the benefit of living in a joint family - that there were so many to take care of her. I and J think of it as a drawback. We never got to spend that precious time with our daughter. We wouldn't have minded sharing her, but sometimes I feel like we had to give her up. And the fact is that no one shared the responsibilities - they were all ours. We hardly got any help. Anyway, that's in the past. And material for another post. One that I don't feel inclined to write/revisit anyway.

The first thing we realized as new parents this time was that we were so relaxed. I mean, no relatives clamoring to hold your baby, no unsolicited advices (well, not entirely true - but that is material for another post - hopefully coming up soon), no one trying to implement their parenting techniques behind our backs and no one snatching Baby M from my arms when she cried saying "Give her to me - you are making her cry!". (Yup! That did happen when I had S)

I stayed in the hospital for four nights and was discharged on Saturday. Friday night, as every other night, I sent Baby M to the nursery after feeding her, but then somehow couldn't sleep and got this uneasiness in my chest. Somehow I was certain that Baby M was not doing very well and needed me. So I got out of my bed and went to the nursery just to check. There the nurse told me that her temperature had gone down so low that she had to be put under the warming lamps. She was doing fine by then. I brought her back and kept her with me all night after that - I think (somehow, I can't remember much of the time that I spent in the hospital)

Saturday, we came home and our life as a family of four started. Its been a fast month. Baby M has grown so much, and we have come to know how we have grown since we had S more than 8 years ago. Every day brings some new experiences. And as I was telling a friend of mine - each day also brings confirmation of which "system" of hers is now working :D For example, now we know she has strong lungs because she can scream. About two weeks back, when Baby M stopped crying upon hearing her big sister's voice, it was confirmed that her hearing is fine too! Then last week we knew her eyes are perfect when she started following us around the room with her eyes. Lungs - check. Ears - check. Eyes - check. Apetite - check. Will keep updating the "inventory" as time goes by :D

Baby M has the kind of hair that stands up ALL THE TIME - much like Mad Momma's Grouchy Max :D When I was in the hospital, I thought the nurses were just having some fun trying to shape her hair like a mohawk. But the first time I gave her a bath I realized that her hair does that on its own. Now, S lovingly shapes it into a Mohawk every day!

My first thought when I looked at Baby M was "Oh my Gosh!! I'd forgotten that they come so tiny!!" She was so tiny (6 lbs 6 oz at birth and 5lbs 11 oz when discharged from the hospital) that she would get lost even in Newborn sized clothing! And she just loved to pull her feet up and scrunch up like a ball which often resulted in tangled limbs inside body suits or a bunched up M with the feet of the body suit left hanging limply. And then she would scream at the top of her lungs to be freed from it! Now she has started filling up those newborn sized body suits better. And doesn't look like a "bodysuit on a hanger" anymore.

One thing in which she is exactly like S is that she loves the massages and bath time rituals. She cries her head off when I take the clothes off but once I start massaging or when I pour water on her she just gets quiet and looks around as if saying "Who? Me? No! I wasn't screaming!"

And like S, she likes a good night's sleep. Since the age of about 1 week, she hasn't taken more than one feed during the night. Of course, she goes to bed late at around 1 or 2 am, but she eats only every 4-5 hours which is VERY good for a newborn, I say. Her doctor did tell me not to let her sleep for more than 5 hours without eating but she regularly sleeps for 4-5 hours during night time. During the day she feeds more frequently - about every 2.5 - 3 hours or so. So all is good on that front. S did that too - started sleeping through the night pretty early but being a first-time parent then, I'd wake her up every 2-3 hours and feed her. Then her pediatrician yelled at me (sort of) saying "Moms all around the world are trying to get their babies to sleep longer and you are waking yours up??" :P Never made that mistake again :D

One area where M is different from S is swaddling. S loved it. So much so that she wouldn't go to sleep without being swaddled. It became so much of a problem later that I had to "train" her to sleep without swaddling at three months. But M dislikes it totally. So I let her sleep without swaddling during the day. But at night, when she is very tired but unable to sleep on her own (and keeps hitting herself in the face with her fist :D), I swaddle her tight. She hates it and strains against it to get free but I just hold her legs down gently for a few minutes until she falls asleep.

There is so much more to record - my birthing experience this time, my memories from the first time, the annoying advices and some friends' hospital visits, my on-going struggle with lactation, times when I got frustrated because of that, how we coped being alone at this time, how S is coping etc. So much to write, so little time! Hope I get around to it soon.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

I started a post. Was almost half-way through it.

I saved it as a draft.

I wanted to select all text so I placed the cursor at the beginning of the post and pressed Shift and down arrow together till I reached the end of the post. I pressed down arrow once more by mistake. ALL CONTENT DISAPPEARED! (Stupid, STUPID Blogger!!)

Blogger auto-saved my post (which was now blank) just that instant! (Again - STUPID Blogger!!!)

Blogger sometimes makes me want to tear my hair out!!

PS: And there is no option in the settings to disable the auto-save feature.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!

Information overload!!

Rohini tagged me. I am required to list 8 things about myself that you don't know. So here goes...

1. I didn't have any friends till 7th grade. I was incredibly shy but don't remember feeling lonely. In 7th grade, I morphed into this confident, sociable girl who was popular and had lots of friends. But even now, I am a little shy with new people and perfectly comfortable being alone.

2. I don't mind asking for help if I am stuck with something but I get extremely irritated if someone forces help on me. Not gracious in those moments at all!

3. I used to be very "obsessive compulsive" about a lot of things. Loading the dishes a particular way in the dishwasher, counting things (yes, counting!) like my daughter's building blocks etc. Yes, there was a time when I remembered exactly how many pieces EACH of her toys had! And she had MANY, believe me. Perks of being an only child. Folding laundry was another - it HAD to be folded a particular way or I would re-fold it. All this made it very difficult for J or S to help me out with household chores. Once I started working full time and realized that this behavior was stressing me out, I tried setting priorities and sticking to them. So, getting the dishwasher loaded was a priority, making sure that all the items were lined up by size was not! Well, my OCD hasn't gone away completely (I still like to sort out spoons, forks, knives and such before running the dishwasher :D) but is well under control!

4. A few more "eccentricities" that are borderline OCD - I don't like to keep pens without their caps. If I lose a pen's cap, I throw the pen away. I like full sets of things. So, if I lose say, one spoon out of a whole set of 64 utensils, I start thinking about buying another set. Thankfully, this (and the previously mentioned compulsion of counting things) also means that I rarely lose things. In my 8 years of housekeeping, I have lost one knife (I know where I lost it! It was hundreds of miles away from home in Pennsylvania, otherwise I'd have gone and picked it up from the trash can I accidentally threw it in:P) and one spoon (well - I haven't written that off yet. I am still hoping to find it buried under some stuff). Yes, I still have the set that knife belonged to but I AM buying a new one next year! And the cutlery set used to be the one I used for special occasions (when entertaining guests) but ever since I lost the spoon, I have taken it out for daily use and will be buying a new one soon. I am obsessive compulsive, but I am also VERY concious of our budget - so I plan for buying these things. (The knife set I am looking to buy is $200 and the cutlery set that I would like to buy is somewhere around $100).

5. I have ZERO interest in fashion. I could care less if the dress I am wearing is from 3 years ago and is no longer in style as long as I am comfortable in it and it looks good on me. Part of it is due to the fact that I DO NOT like to follow others. So, if everyone else is following a trend, guess what will I be doing? That's right! NOT following it :D The only part of my appearance that I am particular about is my hair "style". I like keeping my hair short - very short. If it starts touching my collar at the back of my neck, it is too long! And I am so particular about the cut that I drive 90+ miles to Piscataway, NJ to get my haircut from the owner of one particular salon. I know. C-R-A-Z-Y!!

6. I don't know how to apply make-up. ***GASP***!!!!!! Now the secret is out! The only "makeup" I indulge in is perfume. (I ***Heart*** "Opium" from St. Yves) I do know how to apply lipstick and mascara. But I prefer applying vaseline on my lips and the mascara always runs or I rub it out within two hours of applying it. I do own a few sticks/vials of lipgloss that I use occasionally. I apply nailpolish very occasionally and end up removing it before the week is out.

7. Dishwashing is a comforting activity for me. I like doing it specially when I need some time alone and need to think over something. The soap suds and the warm water soothe my senses and so does the realization that I am CLEANING something (there's another OCD for you!).

8. For all the technical knowledge I possess about computers and other related equipment, I still can't do TWO things online - shop and read a newspaper. I am a shopaholic and like the excitement of trying/touching/seeing things before buying them. And I HATE reading electronic versions of newspapers. Give me the traditional newspaper with a cup of tea please!

There! You know a lot more about me now. Feel better? :D

Here's a bonus tid-bit: I can wait years to buy something that I want if it doesn't fit our budget right then. But I will NEVER ever buy something cheaper just because I want it and can't afford the one I want. Take this fridge for example. I WANT it but am willing to wait another year or so before we buy it. Maybe by then there will be a better product in the market :)

Oh, and I am also required to tag 8 others. Since this tag has been doing the rounds for quite some time now, I don't know anyone who hasn't been tagged except Anurag and Anisha. So, Anu and Anisha? TAG - you're it!