If Only

Blogging wasn't available when S was born. Even if it was, I didn't know about it. Had it been available (or had I known about it) life would have been so much easier. This is one thing I tell my husband over and over.

If I had a blog then, I would have written about my birthing experience. That would have been one big load off my chest. By God! It would have been ONE BIG RANT! I would have written how, despite telling my OB/GYN and discussing it with J before hand that I wanted HIM next to me at the time of delivery, my MIL was in there with me AGAINST MY WISHES. And she actively discouraged J from coming in even after I asked for him a number of times. In fact, he was kept busy on pretext of other errands so he couldn't come be with me. I would have written how the nurse who was helping me during labor had forced me to start pushing very early on even though the doctor had left strict instructions NOT to do so until she told me, and how my MIL coerced me into listening to that dumb-ass nurse. How S' heartrate went down because of this and when the doctor asked if I had been pushing and I said yes the nurse made me do so, the nurse lied point blank. I would have told you how weak I felt after a whole day of useless pushing - so much so that when it was time to really push, I had no strength left. I would have remembered to log how my BIL (who is an anaesthesiologist and was present during my C-section) came into the delivery room and yelled at me for not pushing hard enough. (He was concerned about the C-section the doctor said I must have, but still...)

I would definitely have written about how my MIL picked a fight with J during my hospital stay, IN FRONT OF ME about why he took three days off for our daughter's birth. "Wouldn't we have taken care of your wife?" she asked. I would have written how shocked I was at this - how can a man NOT take a few days off at his first child's birth? And I would have cried on this blog about the first time MIL snatched S from my hands because I was "making her cry". I would have written about the million other tussels that went on in our family over Baby S. I would have penned how I was sad that I didn't feel the elation of bringing home a baby that I should have. Or that I was only important until Baby S was delivered. After that no one cared about my comfort. No one even bothered to talk to me - they would just come and take Baby S away to play with her while I sat alone in my room. I didn't even have the excuse to have her with me for nursing since amid all this chaos I didn't lactate properly.

If I had a blog back then, you would have known all my struggles as a "single" parent when J came over to the US and I stayed back with his family for a couple more months. How, even though there were 4 more adults in the house with me, I sometimes had to take Baby S with me to the bathroom because I couldn't find two hands willing to hold her. How a NINE year old boy, who lived with us, could see that I was about to drop dead from exhaustion and offered to babysit S while I took a nap but none of the other adults noticed.

Oh, I would have SO MUCH to tell! IF I had a blog then. But I didn't. So, I couldn't.