Art? Or Science?

Warning: This is probably going to be one of those posts with an assortment of thoughts just poured out. These thoughts have been bubbling in my mind for quite some time now and it is time they see the light of day or they would surely die in there and no one would ever know that I do get some coherent thoughts during my waking hours.

I have been thinking for quite some time now (Yes. I think.) - is parenting an Art? Or Science? How about a mix of both? Or something totally else? Sometimes I think parenting is a sport - a team sport where the parents have to present a united front to their kids and to the rest of the world.

Whatever it be, there is one thing that it is NOT. Easy. The decision to become a parent may come easy to some. I wasn't one of those lucky ones. In fact, when I and J decided to have children I told him I needed a few more months to get mentally prepared. I didn't want any children for atleast three years after getting married and when the time to make this decision came upon us, we had been married only for two. I wasn't ready. Due to the circumstances (being in a joint family with VERY controlling parents) we hadn't even had any chance to have fun yet! Plus, I had seen how interfering and controlling my in-laws were with the upbringing of my nephew, then 3 years old. I was determined NOT to have children and then be relegated to the background while someone else did the parenting. If I ever had children, I was going to be the parent goddammit!!

I have seen parents who have it all together. All figured out. They don't panic when the baby gets colicky or when sonny boy comes home from school with a note from teacher saying "he jumped off the monkey bars today and could you please talk to him about not banging his head on the wall when his wish is not fulfilled? At least not on the concrete wall?" And they know how to handle these situations. I have also seen self-professed "spreadsheet parents". These have spreadsheets for every possible if-then situation and have read every parenting book there is. Very unimaginative, in my opinion. Then there are some who just swing it. They have no preconceived ideas about how to tackle parenting issues. They just go with the flow. (Don't confuse it with just going along with whatever the kids say - that's not parenting. That is "raising Brats" in my opinion) What I mean by "going with the flow" is that these parents just tackle issues as they come up. They don't have it all charted out as to when will junior go to preschool, when will he start French lessons and when will the Piano lessons follow, which college will he go to and what career will he choose. OK - I know this is extreme but you know what I mean. I belong to this group. Trial-and-Error group. There is a lot of us out there!

No, there was no point to the previous discussion. I told you this is going to be an "assorted" post.

One thing I have noticed is the thankyou notes we get from kids whose birthday party S attends. Specifically Indian kids. The Thank You notes are written by the parents! Or typed and printed by them. They don't even make the kids sign the notes. Even if the kid just turned, say, 8. In my opinion, you won't get a better chance to teach your kids to be thankful for what they got. And to teach them how to say thanks. Or that they should. No wonder the kids today are growing up to feel that they are entitled to everything they get. Effort does not mean anything to them. Nor does gratitude. I think these parents are doing their kids a disservice by not teaching them the responsibility of writing the thankyou notes themselves. And I think this training should start early. When S turned 4, she had just learned how to write her name at the pre-school. After her birthday party was over, I wrote all the Thankyou notes but made her sign each one of them. And she did it excitedly because Wow! Thank you notes! Fun!! That is what I made it out to be. Next year, when she was in Kindergarten, I wrote out the Thankyou message on a sheet of paper, leaving the space for name of the gift blank and she copied the matter into each thankyou note adding the name of the friend and the gift they gave her from a list I had prepared. Of course we didn't do this in one day. It took her the better part of a week to finish all the notes. But I made her do it. Not because I am that cruel mommy who can't be bothered to do these small things on my child's behalf. But because I want her to learn these basic manners and skills. Because I want her to grow up to be an independent adult who takes responsibility for her own actions. And these small lessons go a long way, in my opinion. The next year, when she turned 6, she wrote out each message herself, only asking for my help with spelling. Last year she reminded me that she needed Thank You cards so she could send them to everyone who came to her birthday party. And she wrote out all the messages herself - modifying each one to fit the gift and the giver. She even reminded me that she needs to send thank you notes to people who got her "Big Sister" gifts in my Baby Shower.

A friend of mine argued that at least they are sending the thankyou notes. I agree. But the purpose of a thankyou note is for both, sender and receiver. It makes the receiver happy that their gift was appreciated and it makes the sender (read kids) aware that they are not the center of the universe and there are others who need appreciation as well.

Another thing that amazes me is how many Indian parents sit down and feed even their 5-6 year olds! I see the point if someone says they feed their 2 year old because at that age he/she doesn't know to finish their food. Kids that age (and younger) will just stop eating as soon as they are a little full. I fed my daughter till she was almost three. I would probably have continued (because it was more convenient than sitting at the dining table with her for one hour reminding her to finish her food) if she hadn't gone to pre-school. I took that as an opportunity to teach her to eat on her own. I figured she will learn faster if she saw other kids her age doing it too. I signed her up for the lunch program that the pre-school offered. They charged extra for it because it involved 2 extra hours of lunch and then some arts and craft. Unfortunately she didn't learn it right away. She routinely came back with her lunch box half full (I asked her teachers not to throw away the leftovers so I would know how much she ate). So we set up a rule. If she didn't eat her lunch on any day, she won't be able to watch TV that day (she was allowed to watch two half hour programs every other day). TV days fell on the same days as "school" days. That went well.

A cousin's wife (they live here in the US) mentioned that she had requested her son'd pre-school teacher to feed him because he didn't know how to eat on his own. That, instead of taking this opportunity to teach her son learn something new she just took the easy way out to maintain his current habit is what amazed me. And that the pre-school teacher agreed shocked me. My daughter's preschool teacher would have told me not to worry and that S will eventually learn to eat and wouldn't die of hunger. :D

Again, my issue is NOT with parents feeding their children. My main issue is with the parents' unwillingness to teach their children new skills. I have a friend who feeds her 6 year old son while he runs around playing with toys. She does make him sit down with other kids first but soon joins them and feeds him herself. And she is not the only one I have seen doing it.

This tendency to do everything for their kids, or to "help" them with everything, extends into other areas as well. Homework for example. When S started getting homework in first grade (Norwalk schools have no-homework policy for kindergarteners), she would sit at the dining table (or sometimes in the kitchen) and do her homework. She came to me, or called me, only if she needed help. I or J never hovered over her, or sat with her to help her do her homework. Homework is for reiterating skills learned at school. It is given with the child's grade level in mind. If they did it at school, they can easily do it at home unless they weren't paying attention in class. In that case, they should be made to work harder and should not receive any help in my opinion (Yes, I qualify for the "parent from hell" award). They have to learn to face the music. S had to. When she was in first grade, she once forgot to do her homework even after I reminded her 2-3 times. I didn't remind her after that. Next day her teacher called me at work to tell me that S hadn't done her homework. She thought there must have been a valid reason and in my opinion was looking for reasons to excuse S as she was one of her favorite students. I told the teacher to go right ahead and give her the punishment due someone who doesn't turn in their homework (which was missing the recess and completing their work then). Result? S never forgot to do her homework after that. Had I made an excuse for her or sat down with her the previous day to complete the homework, would she have learnt that responsibility? Nope.

For years my sister-in-law sat down everynight with her son to make him do his homework. During exam time she would study with him as if it were she who was appearing for the exams. If he had to miss classes due to some reason, she would go to his classmates' houses to get notes on what he missed. As a result he scored very good marks but never developed any self-discipline. For years I told her that it was his responsibility to study and finish his homework and hers only to provide him with a suitable environment, time and place and some help if he got stuck. Specially because it was getting more difficult each year to get him to study. The high marks that he got due to his mother's hard work gave him a false confidence that he was intelligent enough to tackle anything at the last minute and get the same high marks. Her argument against what I suggested was "But then he won't do as well. What if he fails?" And my counter-argument would be "You can't go to college with him. The sooner he learns to study on his own, the better. Later it will only become more difficult for him". This year, she finally gave up and left him on his own. And it is difficult for him to study on his own suddenly.

My point is, while doing things for our kids, or laughing at their bad behaviour when they are babies, we forget that they will eventually grow up. And then they will need these skills which they won't have because we never gave them a chance to learn. They will need to learn that the universe doesn't revolve around them and it will come as a big shock. They will need those good manners to get along and be liked, or even respected, by their peers. It is our duty, as parents, to teach them to gradually stand up on their own. To learn self-discipline. To learn good manners. For if we don't teach them, who will?

Pay special attention to the word "gradually" in the previous paragraph. I am not advocating just leaving our kids on their own to eat or do their homework (or learn any other skill for that matter). I am talking about working on developing those skills by gentle persuation or by helping them initially and then slowly letting go. It is pretty much like teaching them how to ride a bicycle.

This, and other parenting startegies/beliefs of ours came under fire a number of times from parents and friends alike. For one, our parents and friends commented many times that we were very strict with S. Because we didn't give her any chocolate/candy until she was 2.5 years old. And we didn't let her watch much TV. We even made her go to bed early (by 7:00 pm). She had to eat whatever was cooked for dinner and I never cooked anything for her separately. I did cook food to cater to her requests but not right then. If the food was too spicey, she knew to eat it with a glass of milk or a bowl of yogurt. But I never, NEVER, cooked separately for her. For all this, and a few other things, we were told "we were ruining her childhood" (for not introducing the important food group - candy), "she will become extra stubborn as she grows up" and that we were being too harsh on her. Thankfully J and I were, and still are, a team where parenting is concerned and we stood by our parenting style. Sure, we had our differences, but we sorted them out in private and not in front of S. Because that would just give her the chance to "divide and rule" if you know what I mean. All kids are very good at that :D

Our strategy with "rules" has been to relax them a little as S grows older and shows us that she is capable and worthy of being given a little freedom. She understands that. When the time comes, we will let her do a few more things that she isn't allowed to do right now. Since she was about 5 years old, she understands that different families have different rules and even if some friend of hers is allowed to do something that she isn't, she cannot argue with us to get permission to do it. Our home. Our rules. That is a pretty tough task to teach a 5 year old, in my opinion.

So, coming back to the question "Art or science?". I think parenting is just plain common sense. Whaddya say??