Sibling revelry

When I was pregnant, S was very worried about the effect a new baby was going to have on her status in the family. She worried that we will get so busy with the baby that we won't pay any attention to her. She is a kid who internalizes all her worries so I am gald she spoke about them this time. I tried to answer all her fears but I also knew no matter how many times I answer her questions, she will only accept my answers once she sees me practising them when the baby arrives. I told her as much.

Her biggest fear was that the baby will be very mischievous and will blame her (S) for every mischief and as a result S will get punished by us. For that I told her two things. One - parents have a special sensor for when their kids are lying. So, if the baby tries this, he or she won't get away with it because we will immediately sense (s)he was lying. And that we would like to hear both sides of the story (Baby's and S') before deciding who was at fault (I don't believe in telling the older child to suck it up just because the younger one is small. Young or old, everyone faces the consequences of their actions in Kay household) Two - Haven't we taught S enough not to blame others for her mistakes and to take responsibility for her actions? (And she does that, believe me) What makes her think that we won't teach the younger one same things? She seemed to understand the answers.

Second thing she was worried about was the Baby becoming an instant favorite for us. To this I replied "Parents are not allowed to play favorites with their kids. It is a parent's duty to love all their children equally". This seemed a little hard to digest for her because, unfortunately, she has seen some parents play favorites. After hours and days of trying to convince her, I decided she was going to have to wait to see me practise it. I really do believe this. I know many parents don't. A friend categorically told me it is impossible for parents to love all kids equally. I think it might be hard to love all your kids equally for whatever reasons, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't. I have experienced, first hand, the hurt of favoritsm played by parents (IL's for J and his brother - matter for another post that shall remain unwritten) and I promised myself long ago that I won't put my kids throught that. Ever.

And we went over these two concerns of hers over and over and over. All through the remaining months of my pregnancy (we told her when I completed first trimester). Then I thought I saw a little bit of sibling rivalry building up. S would comment "Don't get this for the baby" if we bought her something small like a book. One day she said since the baby will be an American citizen (which S is not), we shouldn't apply for Indian citizenship for her because she (S) wanted that to be her special "thing". This completely infuriated me even though I knew it was just an 8 year old expressing her concerns in the only way she knew how. So I told S "You have to make up your mind right now and tell me if you even want this baby, otherwise I am going to give her up for adoption. I don't want her to come into a family where she isn't wanted. If she is going to have to face this every day of her life, she is better off growing up where she is wanted and loved". Harsh, I know. But surprisingly that did the trick. That made S realize that this type of behavior will not be tolerated and hopefully handling sibling rivalry will now be a little bit easier since she knows I will not take this nonsense at all. (Keeping my fingers crossed).

Then Baby M arrived. And all our fears, AND S' dissipated. We knew that she loved the baby very much and she saw that her position in the family was still the same - that of a much loved child. Baby M was loved too, but our love for her didn't affect our love for S in any way (of course!). So, my guess about things going back to normal after the baby's arrival was correct. S loves her to bits and is a BIG helper.

For now, it seems like we are just going to sail through all the sibling rivalry issues. But I know once M starts talking and crawling, she will start getting into S' stuff and then new issues might arise. I have already spoke a little about it with her telling her that she has to keep her stuff out of M's reach because we wouldn't be able to say "no" to her for every single thing she grabs. And that all small toys that M can easily put in her mouth have to be out of her reach otherwise they will be thrown out promptly. I know I am the parent from hell :P

S is so enamoured with M right now that sometimes it is on the verge of funny. Like the time when she "invited" her friend, who had come over for a playdate, to come watch mommy change the baby's diaper. My heart melts at how she proudly shows off her new sister. And how, at every tiny little whimper from M, she comes running to us and asks "Do you need any help?" or "Do you want me to sing to/hold her?" All my fears and concerns over the age difference between my two daughters have dissipated because I see S is going to fawn over M and hopefully M will bask in that attention.