Of respect in relationships

S and I are developing a routine where we go to the library every Monday. She is all showered and homeworked when I get home on Mondays. Then we have dinner and then head out to the library around 8. The library stays open late, until 9 pm, on Mondays. S gets two videos/dvds and a few books if she is done reading the current ones. I get a book, or not - depending on my mood and schedule.

Today while coming back from the library, we somehow started talking about relationships - as in boyfriends and husbands. S mentioned she hopes she'd find an Indian guy just like her daddy - who'd be as good a husband to her as her dad is to me (and that J is the best husband anyone could ever have is a fact). I grabbed that chance with both hands to talk to her about something I had been thinking of for a long time. Respect in a relationship. Specially, a husband's respect for his wife. Which, in my opinion, is more or less absent in many relationships I have seen around me. The husbands love their wives alright, care about them and for them too. But they don't hold respect for their wives' opinions on "serious" matters. Some, I have seen, don't even respect their wives - period. For them, respect flows from wife to husband, not the other way round. Sure, equal marriages are on the rise and I have many more friends who will jump in and say their marriage is an equal relationship. And I will agree with them. I am just talking about the relationships I have been observing at close quarters.

So, I got talking to S about respect in a relationship and how she should expect nothing less. This, I think, is what ALL parents need to teach their daughters. EXPECT respect from your partner. If you don't get it, the relationship isn't right for you. I also had this conversation with S because just today I and a few blogger friends were discussing why professionally competent women, beautiful women, successful women stay in abusive relationships. In my opinion it is directly related to their self-esteem and, in some cases, lack of support from parents. I want S to understand that no relationship is bigger than her self-esteem and happiness. That there is, and should always be, a way out from an abusive relationship. Sometimes I worry that she might end up in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical. It can be verbal and emotional too - and that is why I stressed on the "respect" aspect of a relationship. If your partner respects you, he/she will not abuse you in any way. That is my simplistic theory. And I hope S never has/needs to test it.

I have a cousin who is in an abusive marriage. Many family members agree on it - even though they probably wouldn't categorize it as "abusive". And that is not because it isn't so, but because the definition of an "abusive relationship" is very blurred and confusing. Coming back to the cousin - I asked her younger sister why she doesn't walk out on the marriage? Sister says because she wants to give her daughters stability and doesn't want to subject them to a broken home. Also, because she gets almost no support from her dad. Her dad, my uncle, tells her to "adjust". I feel there is only a certain limit to which a person can, and should, adjust. I also think this is the cruelest thing Indian parents (mostly) do to their daughters. Telling them to adjust. How can a person ignore what their daughter is going through and just issue a blanket dictate to "adjust"? My blood boils at it. Parents have the DUTY to cultivate enough self-confidence in their daughters so that they don't stay stuck in an abusive relationship. I, personally, wouldn't even depend on my parents to get me out of an abusive relationship (unless I needed their help in getting out safely). I would end a relationship the minute it started bordering on abuse. And go out and make a life for myself and my kids. Support from my parents would be welcome and appreciated but I wouldn't depend on it. I guess that kind of attitude depends on two factors - a person's temperament and their support system, namely parents and other close family members. If my parents brought me up in a traditional way, I might have had the same mind set. But then the same cousin's sister walked out of her home and declared she was going to report her in-laws to the police for abuse. She had been having issues at her in-law's place too. Just the declaration brought her in-laws (and husband) back to their senses and now she lives with them minus the issues. Real sisters, same parents, same (non-existent) support system. Two different outcomes. So, it really does depend on the person too. This is what I want S to understand. That she will have options. And she will have J's and my support.

I told J about this conversation when we got home (and after S had gone to bed). He agreed that he would encourage S to walk out of a relationship if it got abusive. That we will teach her to place her safety and peace of mind above everything else. I pray that S and M find partners who really love and respect them. Another thought springs into my mind with this sentence. At a recent party, a friend commented that she just hopes her sons (she has two) bring home Indian girls. She meant to say she isn't going to be particular about caste or religion. Another said she just hopes they bring home a girl (she has two sons too). She doesn't care about caste, religion OR nationality. My question is - what if your child comes home and tells you he/she is gay? Personally, I just hope that my daughters find a loving partner. Frankly I'll blow my top if one of my daughters told me she doesn't want to go to college but I won't blink an eye if she informed me that she is a lesbian. Really. I have given it serious thought and I know how I feel. Looking at all the unequal and/or unhappy marriages around me, all I want is for my daughters to find partners who truly care about them. Who would love them, respect them and be their support when I am gone.

And I hope somewhere, someone is teaching their sons (and daughters) about respecting their life-partner too.

While you are at it, don't breathe too hard either

Don't spit. Don't visit your neighbors in pajamas and slippers. Queue up politely. And whatever you do, DO NOT WEAR WHITE SOCKS WITH BLACK LEATHER SHOES!!!

This is what Beijing residents have been told by their government in preparations for the Olympic games. Another advice is "there shouldn't be more than three color groups in your clothes". WTF???? So now visitors will be offended by extremely colorful clothes? And white socks with black leather shoes? How about they tell everyone to stick to only three color group flowers in their garden, and color co-ordinate the flowers with those of their neighbors while they are at it. Don't grow red flowers next to purple - the two colors don't go that well togehter, you know!

I understand the efforts to make a place more beautiful, advising people to be gracious and courteous but this?? Isn't it taking things a little too far? If someone wants to visit my home, they better come prepared for the colors I like to wear. They better get used to whatever eccentricities I might have - as long as they are not harmful to others or extremely rude. If I like to wear red socks with white trousers and black shoes, so be it. If I like to take a round of my garden in my pajamas and slippers, I will. What kind of visitors will take exception to such things anyway?

There is such a thing as making a place more inviting for visitors. Asking people to behave graciously and courteously can be considered as an effort in that direction. Telling them not to spit and establishing laws against that kind of behaviour will be welcome. Cleaning the streets will make the place more inviting and appealing. But asking residents to change their wardrobe? Is that practical or even necessary? There's hospitality. And then there's pure ridiculosity (Yes that is a word).

Silly Numbers - again

Mitthi Mouse is 9 years and 9 months old today

Accomplishment of the week

I have been working on teaching M this for a long time.

I ask her "Where's the drama queen?", take her hand and pat it on her chest saying "this, this, this".

Two days ago I did this a few times and then put her in the car seat to drop her off at the daycare. While strapping her in I asked her "Where's the drama queen?" and she obliged by patting herself and giving me a big grin.

And once I asked her "You are the drama queen, yes?". She nodded with a big smile. I wish I had a video of the moment.

Last week (or maybe the week before that), Ms. Gina, her care provider at the daycare wrote this in her daily update that we get from the daycare - "... She is truly the queen of the room now." So we are in agreement - doesn't matter that they didn't write the word "drama". They sure think so!

Long overdue book tag

Amuser tagged me a LONG time ago to:

Pick up the nearest book.

Open to page 123.Find the fifth sentence.

Post the next three sentences.

Tag five people, and acknowledge the person who tagged you .

I have been reading the Cisco Exam Certification Guide. I thought I'd share the pain with you. These are the three sentences after the fifth sentence on page 123-

For example, consider 130.4.102.1, with mask 255.255.255.0. Because the third octet of the mask is not a 0 or 255, the third octet is where the interesting part of the shortcut takes place. You create a subnet chart, fill in the address and mask, and draw a box around the third octet as shown in Table 4-26.

There are many more such painful sentences in this book. In fact, the whole book is full of them! Truthfully though, this is my favorite chapter in the whole book. I love binary math. I love subnetting exercises. Because I know I can score a 100% in them. I wish the whole exam was based on just IP addressing and subnetting and route summarization :D But I wouldn't have missed NAT or PAT or Frame Relay and ISDN. Specially the latter two. The thing is, I can remember anything indefinitely once I do it. Just reading theory and memorizing is not my strength. That is why I never liked social sciences or literature. I am a "hands-on" gal. And I would definitely like to get my hands on the person who developed the concept of certification exams!

I am not tagging anyone as I am probably the last person doing this tag.

Life's little intricacies - User Manual 1

How to irritate

How to irritate a pre-teen
1. Start or end each sentence with "...(but) you know Pappu naach nai sakta. Bechara..."
2. Start saying it as soon as you pick the said pre-teen up from camp and keep saying it for 3 more hours.
3. When the said pre-teen comes and repeats the same thing to you, say "I know. Bechara Pappu!!" completely ruining the effect of her delivery.

How to irritate a toddler
1. Start weaning her from the bottle.
2. Run after her screaming "pakdo, pakdo, pakdo...".
3. Works especially well if she is tired or hungry.

How to irritate a tired husband
1. Irritate the pre-teen and the toddler, then disappear into the bathroom for half an hour, leaving him to deal with the irritated duo.


**EVIL CACKLE**

What's a few barbs between friends, right?

OK, now I feel like a top order meanie for ranting about my friend's comment regarding my weight :(

I received a reply from her today -

Oops! Look like maine Cee ma’m ka dil dukha diya! Since I saw your picture after M and u were looking terrific the way u used to look in college, I forgot about impact of IVFs,etc. But you are right. Hairs could be a big reason. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve succeeded to reduce my 4 month pregnant tummy to 2 months. I’m working on it to bring it back to size before I had kids but itne samay me jo boya hai usko katne me mahanat+time dono lagta hai. Response is very slow par I’ll keep trying. Umeed par hi to duniya tiki hai!!!!(Wah.Wah!!). My god this juggling is painful. Looks like entire life will go like this. Chalo have some energy and do your best.

This is what I wrote in reply -

Ah! Frankly? I did feel a little bad that you assumed I am doing nothing about my weight. And yes, the IVF was a real bi**h. Went through a whole lot to get this bundle of joy :P I am scared sh**less of needles. And I had to poke myself FOUR times each day for two-three weeks for each IVF cycle. The first time I did it, I broke down and cried - I was so scared :( I developed all sorts of health problems due to the medication too - PUPP, high blood pressure, depression etc. due to all the progesterone and estrogen etc. I am glad the second cycle was successful because I had made the decision to stop the treatment if the second cycle failed.

I have joined a fitness boot camp that has classes three days a week from 5:30 - 6:30 am. And I have replaced one meal with a HUGE salad :P Since I hate salads (for meals, not as side dishes) with all my might, that is something I am immensely proud of :)

I am at a point where I am not happy with my weight but not ashamed of it either. I don't suck in my belly before walking into a room full of people. It is what it is and I know I am working on it. J is a sweetheart and a huge help. He encourages without pressurizing - and that is what works for me. If he had pressurized me, one of us would be dead :D

I am growing my hair so I can donate it to an organization that makes wigs for kids who lose their hair to different medical conditions. For that I need to grow it to about 14 inches. It is about 6 inches long right now. So I have quite a bit of torture in store for me. If you remember, I hate long hair (on me). This idea came because S had lost almost all her hair to Alopecia Areata, but regained it luckily with homeopathy treatment. This is my way of saying thanks for the regained hair.

I am sorry for the "what's your excuse" barb. I know we have such a big struggle ahead of us - all the juggling between work and home and husbands and kids and then we are supposed to keep ourselves healthy too? Can't that come as a reward or something for doing so much?

So that is where we stand now. She is a college time friend and a really good one at that. Maybe I should have shown more understanding and patience? I am confused - I do think I am entitled to these frustrated feelings and I am also a bit ashamed for the knee-jerk reaction. OK - maybe I will find something else to jerk my knee about :) I read this article at Babble.....

Facing my demons

I recently started haunting visiting this site after reading a few articles linked by other bloggers. I liked what I read so I visit this site more often now. Today I read this and it just called out to me. I felt this urge to blog about it and that is strange because it is the most difficult topic for me to discuss at the moment.

I have mentioned my struggles with my weight a few times here. I can no longer take jokes about my weight lightly and get upset at J if he cracks jokes about it. Earlier, when I didn't have a "real" weight problem, it didn't bother me if someone made fun of how "the earth shook when I walked" or how "all oranges in Nagpur fell down from the trees because I jumped down from the train on to the platform in Indore". Yes, now I realize that these jokes were in bad taste even then, but they didn't bother me this much back then. Because I knew they were jokes, not facts.

Recently a friend wrote an email to me after seeing pictures of M's first birthday party. After the first few customary sentences about how pretty the girls were and how nice the house looked, she dropped the bomb. "You have really blown up", she said. She said she knows it is not that easy but I "should make some efforts to get back to normal". It really got my goat. First of all, she doesn't know that I put on a whopping 20+ pounds due to IVF alone. Second, she assumed I am doing nothing about it. And third, she implies I am not "normal" right now. She even had the gall to mention that even though she is not exactly slim and trim "par kahne me kya jaata hai?". Means because she is a bit lighter than me, she can give me any advice? Without going into the details of how and why? I don't know what a correct way of broaching this subject with a friend would be. Or IF there is one. But she could have politely enquired before offering advice.

I wrote back to her saying "As for blowing up, I have had multiple IUIs, two IVFs and a baby in the last two years. What is your excuse?". I think it might hurt her feelings. I hope it does. I am tired of being polite to insensitive people. Of explaining why I didn't breastfeed, why I went in for IVF, why I tried so hard for a second baby, why I couldn't have a normal delivery, why - even though I am obviously so fat - couldn't I breastfeed my daughter (this was back when I had S).... I am tired. And now I don't care if my answer hurts you or leaves you dissatisfied or dumbfounded. You know what? None of your effing business!

So this article that I have linked to, talks about how we pass on our weight issues to our kids. It is true. Not only about weight issues, but also about other health issues. A friend, whose husband is severely diabetic, watches her sons' diets closely - more closely than necessary. They are active, healthy kids. But only she can understand the terror she must have felt when her husband was first diagnosed with diabetes during her first pregnancy. So yes - the health issues that we face do affect how we deal with them in front of, or in context of, our children.

Recently, during the "confession bouts" that S was suffering from, she admitted that she feels embarrassed about my weight. Ashamed is a more correct word. I can't explain how that hit me in the gut. I could hardly speak. I couldn't even be upset at her. I didn't want to saddle her with my sob stories about the IVF and the stress and other things. But I wanted her to understand I was not sitting on my hands, doing nothing about my weight. I wanted her to understand that there is a healthy way to lose weight and an unhealthy way too. I wanted to get it across to her that no matter what weight I was at, I was still the same person inside. How do I get all this across to a 9 year old who was already hugely guilt ridden about this sentiment of hers? I didn't. I do intend to bring it up in conversations every now and then. I have already started doing so.

I have to admit I have, on more than one occasion, wondered about taking the easy route to losing weight - eat what I want and then chuck it all out in the bathroom. Believe me, at my weight, when I am worrying about diabetes, heart disease, cancer and early death, this thought is very easy to come across. And very tempting. But thankfully, MY mom drummed more sense into me regarding this than most moms in her times did. Thanks to her, I have understood from an early age, how important it is to get proper nutrition and to lose weight by exercising and not by starving. I remember the many conversations she had with me over this topic. Never judging or dictating - just listing facts, explaining concepts. I hope to pass on the same knowledge to my daughter. I just hope that I can make as lasting an impression on her as my mom did on me.

One thing is for sure - even though I am not happy with the weight I am at, I am not ashamed of it. For the first time in my life, I have stopped sucking in my belly before walking into a room full of people. I know I am making efforts. I know how tough it is to fit in exercise - specially with the kind of routine and lives we have. But I know I am doing something. I have even made peace with the fact that I might develop diabetes if I don't lose weight in time. You know what? If that happens, unfortunate as it might be, I will deal with it. I will manage it. In the meantime, I am making healthy efforts and am sure I will get there someday.

These days I worry about our upcoming (planned) trip to India. I try to imagine what different frinds and relatives will say to me about my weight. I am dreading our trip for that reason. I am preparing "comebacks". I know it will be mentioned how J and his brother don't ever get "fat" while the two DILs have piled on kilos. I had relatives asking me during my pregnancy how "fat" I'd become. Not "how much weight I'd put on" (not that THAT was any of their business either) but how FAT I had become. I have friends asking me "how much do you weigh now?" when we call them to wish them a happy diwali/holi/birthday/whatever. I really don't understand this excessive obsession Indians have with other people's weight. Here, every time I mention my frustration regarding my weight, my American colleagues reassure me that I will get to a healthy weight in time and not to lose sight of the fact that I did just deliver a baby. I wonder why no one in my family or friend circle realilzes that? I could use a little more support.

Well, I do have support. J fully supports and encourages me. He provides encouragement, not pressure. I am lucky to have that. Some women don't even have that. I have seen men pushing their wives to diet or berate them for their weight. Not J. I don't think I could deal with that. I think God gives us only what we can deal with. In my case I got a husband who understands and respects me. God knows I wouldn't have tolerated a man who didn't.

Update on Tough times never last

So, after having sufficiently freaked out people with my previous post, with what S said and what my job situation looks like, I decided to take a break from blogging. Well, not "decided" as such - a break was forced upon me. By circumstances and my busy schedule.

Anyhoo. I decided I owed all the wonderful people, who left me comments and who called/emailed me after reading the previous post, an update.

S is not grounded any more. After reading Vinita and Dotthought's comments, I forwarded them to my husband and we decided to go with Vinita's suggestion and imposed a "30 minute violin practice" consequence on her. Anon's (n!) comment also helped me put things in perspective from S' side. So the practice requirement was not conveyed as a punishment but more as the consequence she needed to face for her action, along with lots of reassurances that we were/are not upset with her. And I am taking a day off on Monday to spend with her as per Desigirl's suggestion. Will take her out to the movies and lunch.

S and I have been writing in the journal (almost) regularly. Both of us look forward for the other to write in it. I even catch myself thinking of something from my childhood to put in there. She is getting an idea that all kids behave the way she did sometime or the other. I have explained to her that the most important part is what you do after you realize you made a mistake. If, after making a mistake, you keep repeating it, you are no better off than when you made the mistake the first time. But if you rectify your mistake and make sure not to repeat it, you have learned something from it. She still sometimes tells me she feels bad about it and every time I remind her "It happened, it is in the past, done and over with". I think that kind of reassures her.

As for "feel like killing myself" bit - a huge reassurance came to me from my mother in the form of an email. She wrote this -

I came to know about Mitthi's disappointment through your blog. Seems that she is going through some hormonal changes which are responsible for such feelings .Its a transitory phase and will be over soon ,but she needs special attention from both of you at present which you are providing without any dearth.I remember when you were the same age once in the night when i was lying besides you and talking to you affectionately you suddenly told me "mummy some times i feel like jumping in front of a car when i go to school '.And how worried i felt inside need not mention. But instantly i caressed you ,and made you realize that this act of your will shatter me and if you feel like this again pl. think of your ma and pa who won't and can't live without you .And after that i kept a secret watch on you and expressed my love and concern frequently.Afterwards you never uttered or felt like doing it again. This is an experience of a mother who so strongly loves her kids !Your careful handling of the situation will definitely lessen Mitthi's tensions .

So peeps, it runs in the family! The girls in this family are over-dramatic and will go to any lengths to get their parents' attention :D

Tough times never last,...

...tough people do. I have always believed in that. But boy! This business of being tough people is not easy! The past few weeks (or has it been a month already?) have been tough in various ways at various times. I was sick. Very. Then I had to study for an exam. Which I couldn't. Flunked the exam. Not blaming anyone/anything for it. Not making any excuses either. Flunking the exam didn't make or break anything for me - it was a re-certification and I still have time. I am confident I can do it. Will reschedule the exam and this time I will definitely pass it. Or, I promise you, I won't write about flunking it ;)

A couple of weeks ago I learned that my company is probably preparing to lay me off/ fire me along with a few others. I think it is a business/financial reason. I am the kind of person who "hopes for the best and prepares for the worst". So this particular revelation has only helped me. I am not broken-hearted upon learning it though, truthfully, I was pissed in the beginning. I don't believe in doing the kind of petty things one of my former bosses did - he deleted a lot of information regarding his work from the company network before leaving. I don't think it caused any serious damage though it did cause major inconveniences. He left without telling us some major passwords and the company had to shell out some dough (and waste precious time) in getting those passwords reset. I am not that kind of person. So I am not deleting anything I have worked on. But this has left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I have had certain major issues but I have always refrained from blogging about them and will do the same even now. Moving on!

S has been having some emotional issues. Or, I should say, her emotional issues have been emerging lately. Turns out she did experience some sibling rivalry. Her way to get back at the baby? She mixed some regular Vicks Vaporub with the baby's. I and J had a good laugh at it :P For about 3 weeks now, she has been telling me "bad" things she has been doing. Like *GASP* not brushing her teeth properly! Or, eating some candy on the sly. She even didn't wash her hands after going to the bathroom a few times!! Frankly, I found most of her confessions funny. And I felt RELIEF!! Yes, I am not kidding. All these years I have been beating myself up that I have straitjacketed my daughter in rules so tightly that she has forgotten how to behave like a kid. Turns out she didn't. Only, she didn't tell us that she was being a kid :D But I do discuss every "confession" with her to see if she understands why she was required to do/ not do certain things in the first place. And then I let it go with "It's OK. It's done. It's in the past now".

One confession that did get her grounded (with suitable explanations which were completely understood by her) was that she had skipped most of her strings lessons at school to go to the gym. J and I had two issues with it. One - we pay FOUR frickin' HUNDRED dollars a year to rent that violin for her and if she isn't even using it, that's money down the drain. Two (more important) - it is a safety issue. Say, she skips strings class to go to the gym. Strings teacher thinks she isn't in the school. Gym teacher isn't expecting her in the gym. The school catches fire and needs to be evacuated. Will someone miss her and look for her? I know it is a far fetched reason, but please refer to the "hope for the best and prepare for the worst" statement above. So, she has been grounded with "no media, no play dates" for 2 weeks. Media includes TV (of course!), videos, DVDs/CD's, video games and Wii. She cannot fill the time left open by lack of media with books. She has to help around the house during that time. You can send her sympathies for the double-meanie parents she has and I promise I will convey the sympathies to her :D

Now, S says she is extremely sad. All these confessions have made her realize what a terrible kid she is (her words, not mine). Three nights ago she said she sometimes felt like killing herself - she feels that bad. Said she feels like going into the kitchen and stabbing herself with a knife. That wrenched my gut. And stabbed my heart with fear. I don't want to overreact, but I don't want to take it lightly either. I am thinking of talking to her doctor but am afraid of setting off some unnecessary alarm bells in the doctor's head. I asked S if I quit my job and stay at home and spend more time with her, would that make her feel better? She said my job is NOT the issue (again, her words, not mine). J and I are trying to get it across to her that all that she has done is not really terrible. It is just normal stuff that normal kids do. Any other ideas?

I have also borrowed an idea from her fourth grade teacher and implemented it. I have started a "Talk back Journal" with S in which we write letters to each other about random things. S' fourth grade teacher did that with all her students and I saw that those letters allowed kids to express feelings/thoughts that they were normally hesitant in expressing. We have each written about 2 letters to the other by now. In one of my letters I mentioned one goofy thing I did in my younger days. My intention was to tell her that ALL kids do it. I intend to write about a few other things I did that she might identify with. I and J have been continuously telling her that the mere fact that she came to us and owned up to all this has made us proud of her. How many kids do we know who would do something wrong and then go and fess up with their parents? None. Except her. It is a delicate balance we have to keep here - make her understand that all this is not as terrible as she thinks it is, and yet not to make her think that doing all this is OK as all kids do it. The rules were created for some reason, you know.

This, combined with the tension at work, is draining me out. To top it off, I have joined a fitness boot camp. Classes are form 5:30 to 6:30 AM, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. First class was yesterday. I have to wake up at 4:45 am now, to be able to get to the class by 5:20 am. Which means I have to get in bed by 9:30-10 pm. Which is almost impossible given that I get back home by 7 pm, spend some time with the girls (outdoors if the weather is nice, indoors otherwise), cook dinner, feed M (S eats by herself), give M her night-time bottle and put her to bed after J bathes her (J would do it gladly but I want that time with her), help S wash her hair if need be, put S to bed, eat dinner, pack lunches for next day and clean up and get a set of clothes ready for the next day. Doing all this in a short period of two and a half hours? Seems impossible. But I hope to pull it off - with some heavy duty help from J.

So, this is what has kept me from blogging for the past so many weeks. I know I have to write a "One Year" post, and one on the budday party, and another one is lined up about some gems from S. A lot to do. No time to do it :(

Pretend you didn't read this...

...because then we can pretend I didn't write this.

Gmail now has a feature called "Take a break". You click on it and your screen gets shrouded in blue grey with a message that they'll be back in 15 minutes. It is really good for emailoholics like me. I wish the whole internet had such a feature so I wouldn't be tempted to blog-surf or browse the news sites when I am supposed to be studying for my exam. Which has been (re)scheduled for Monday (June 16th). I was supposed to take it two weeks back but couldn't because I was very sick. Which means I shouldn't even be writing this post. Oops!!

Ta! See you on the other side of Monday!!

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger

It is a dialog in one of the greatest movies ever made - Steel Magnolias. I have watched it a hundred times. I am watching it right now. I cry every time I watch it. I understand M'Lynn's fear when she learns her daughter Shelby (who is severely diabetic) is pregnant. And I understand Shelby's desire to have a baby despite the risk a pregnancy would pose to her life. I think the movie affects you differently once you become a mother. What do you think?

**Insert evil laughter here**

S participated in an Olympic Torch Run held by her school yesterday. A very impressive event that I am planning a separate post on. Towards the end of the event, when all the kids were assembled in the field, she stumbled and fell, and sprained her foot. All evening yesterday was spent by mom and dad providing TLC to her and her foot. Cold compresses, followed by hot compresses, anti-inflammatory ointment massages.... We were hoping she'd be better by morning which turned out not to be the case. She went limping to the school. I hardened my heart and let her ride the bus, because I had a nagging suspicion that she was limping more for the effect than because of the hurt (Yeah - MBO. Meanie of the Biggest Order - that's me!).

I did leave a message for her classteacher that she be excused from lap running that they normally are required to do for their health class. I received a call from her a little while ago that I unfortunately missed. She left me a garbled (read whiny) message saying I should talk to Mrs. M and explain something (didn't quite understand what) to her. I sort of panicked thinking Mrs. M was probably trying to get her to run laps because she hadn't checked the voicemail I left her. So I called the school and left my cell phone number requesting to be called back. Mrs. M called and wanted to know what exactly could S do without aggravating her injury. Like jungle gym, swings, running on the field, playing four corners - what? I said nothing - I would rather she sit on a bench and not tax her foot.

Now here is where the evil laughter comes in. I called J right after this and told him about this incident. Then we got to talking about the possibility that S might get mad at not being able to play because, just maybe, she exaggerated the limp to get out of running laps :) I mean she might have thought that she'd get out of running laps but still get to have fun on the swings and the monkey bars. I know how a 9 year old's mind works. And we agreed that if her foot is really hurting then she needs to sit out of all activities. And if it is not really hurting then she REALLY needs to sit out of all the fun to learn that you can't always have your cake and eat it too.

Wot say?

MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

The best Mother's day, yet feeling a little unloved

This Mother's day was special - my first one with Baby M. And the first one when S remembered it on her own and prepared a card for me ALL BY HERSELF.

Got a lovely rose from M's daycare.

And a card that had her picture in the middle and hand prints on each side. And a beautiful finger-painted card from S. She had painted a bunch of purple grapes with her fingers and written "Love you a bunch" inside. (Don't have a picture to post). And she gifted me a few of her prized possessions - some beautiful colorful stones. These things made this day THE BEST for me.





Something else made me a little sad.





Nothing - NOTHING - from J. Not a card. Not a bunch of roses. He did remember to wish me a happy Mother's day right before he called his mom, and I say GOOD FOR HIM! If he can't remember the mother of is own children, then he deserves the whack on his head that he would have gotten if he'd forgotten. But not receiving a card from him hurt me more than I thought it would. Even though I got the most beautiful cards from the girls, and they are the ones who matter on this day, it did pinch a little that J didn't care enough to get me a card. On Mother's day, we went to a friend's place to celebrate his birthday, and on our way there we stopped at a store to buy a bouquet for him. Even then it didn't occur to J that he should at least get me some flowers too. I went in to buy the flowers and it sure was infuriating to buy those flowers when I knew J didn't remember to buy me anything.





Maybe I am making a huge deal out of nothing. He is a good father and a very good husband. But all through our marriage, there have been such occasions. On my first birthday after we got married, he said he didn't "feel like buying me roses or more than one card" when I asked him if he was getting me any. This from the man who would get me roses for no reason at all when we were dating.





Lately it has been "I didn't get the time". I don't buy that. If I can find the time to buy him a Father's day gift in advance ONE DAY before going to the hospital for my scheduled C-section, if I can drive in snow to buy him a Valentine's day card and gift, if I can take time out from a busy schedule to get him a birthday card and a gift - so can he. He just needs to plan it better. I have been trying to make him understand - and have failed. Even when we were living in Indore with his parents and I was completely dependent on him for shopping (wasn't allowed to go out alone - don't ask), I managed to get him a surprise bouquet of roses every damn year with a friend's help. Heck, I even managed to gift him a surprise bouquet when we came here even though I didn't drive at that time and there were no flower shops within a walking distance.





I know I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. He loves me more than anyone else in the world and that should be enough for me. I am not even mad about the damn roses or the gifts. In fact I asked him not to get me anything for my birthday this year because I want to buy a laptop next year. I am mad about the excuses. I am mad about how he makes it sound like he did remember but he is soooo busy that he couldn't step out to buy a card. It would be fine if he just accepted that he forgot/couldn't buy and said "sorry". That wouldn't be too hard now, would it? I would understand and maybe even laugh it off. But to say "You know how busy I am. How could I go?" insults me. You listening J?





Anyhoo. So, we fought over it and made up (Well, kinda. If we had truly made up, I wouldn't be writing this post, would I?). I decided that J WILL buy me flowers, whether he wanted to or not. So, on my next trip to the grocery store, I bought these for myself - from J.

And I coolly informed him that he is going to buy me flowers like this every 2 weeks. For ever. :)

For some reason, these flowers stank so bad that we spent a good half hour looking for a stinky diaper under the sofas and behind doors until it struck me that I had smelled that smell while I was grocery shopping too! Sure enough - we got a generous whiff of the "stinky diaper" smell when we performed a nasal investigation on the flowers!

It is time for me to go grocery shopping again. Will post a picture of the new flowers soon!

Hard at work!!

This should explain it better!

Foto-Shoto - 1

She loves looking out the door!

Who, me?

Looking for hidden treasures under the nightstand.

Ah! Warmer weather means skirts!!

And frocks!

Ain't I a girly-girl?

Let's see. What did mommy sweep under the carpet?

I want to climb in dadda's lap too!

I love yougurt! You?

Hey you!

Didi and baby.

Didi.

Last week of May'08

• Walked about 4-5 feet - without stopping or plonking her ass down! (Friday, May 30).

• Offered bottle to dadda and didi.

• Wiped mama's nose.

• "Cleaned" herself on the leg while taking a bath.

• Took shrieking to new levels.

• Raced up the stairs in a record minute. Yup - all 13 stairs! Never stopped for a second. TWICE this week. Safety gates, here I come!

• Once upstairs, raced into didi's room and looked at/grabbed all the treasure in amazement.

• Ate pulao for the first time.

• Tried to put on a sock.

• Tried to comb her hair with a doll's hair brush.

• Found a new strategy to pull socks off. Stand with one foot in front of the other, heel on toe. Press down with heel, pull the other foot back, thus removing the sock. Repeat with the other foot in front.

• Climbed into her rocker by herself and sat there observing everything.

• Ate Chinese food - Egg fried rice. And preferred it over plain ol' bread 'n butter!

Yup, I did all this!

Dotmom's innocent little post on a book about a working woman's pregnancy triggered a lot of memories for me. Totally unrelated to the topic of being a working, pregnant woman. These memories were more about how any kind of activity on my part elicited a whole slew of patronizing responses from people around me. It irritated me no end. I was advised by many to just let go and do my own thing but I am incapable of letting go. NOT in my nature! If someone gives me a piece of their mind, I am tempted to give it right back to them, with a bigger piece of MY mind.

So, I didn't take it kindly when anyone suggested that I should sit down or eat more or not pick something up. I have countless such memories. And I am going to subject you to all of them :D (**evil laughter**)

I faced the most resistance during my first pregnancy. On the day that I declared my pregnancy, my MIL wanted me to shut down the coaching classes I was running. And I have to mention it here - I had the easiest and healthiest of pregnancy. No morning sickness, no food cravings. I was as active as I ever had been. Yes, I was more tired but that just meant I took more naps. But I still did all the work I had been doing before getting pregnant. That included cooking for a family of 6 adults, one teen house help (one teen can sometimes put away more food than 6 adults, believe me :P) and one toddler. Picky toddler. Not to mention 3 very picky adults. I washed all my clothes, including the towels and bedsheets with my HANDS. Not even a handkerchief left my room to be washed by the maid, much to the consternation of my MIL. About once or twice a week, I would swab the floor of my bedroom when I got disgusted with the level of un-cleanliness of the maid and the house help. I taught classes from 7:30 in the morning till 5:30 in the evening with just three 15 minute breaks in between. J would leave at 8:30 in the mornings for work those days. So I woke up at 5:30, cooked lunch for the whole family and would be ready for my classes by 7:30. Later, I moved one of my classes to 6:30 AM (!) so I could finish the course well in time for my maternity leave. This continued till the end of my pregnancy. I stopped lifting heavy buckets towards the end, but I still washed the clothes. I washed the kitchen and the counter tops and prepared things for the next morning the night I started getting labor pains. I didn't even notice the labor pains until after I'd taken a shower. I had been getting Braxton Hicks contractions for most of the third trimester so I didn't pay heed to the real contractions. When I finally timed them, they were 3 minutes apart.

OKAY! Back on track. During my first pregnancy, one gem of an advice that stands out in my memory came from my dear MIL. I was frying puris and placed about 10 of them on a steel plate and turned around to serve it to MIL and FIL who were having their lunch right then. MIL went "Itna sab mat utha!!" (Don't pick all that!!). Ticked me off no end. I guess I should have looked at the concern and felt good that she worried about me, right? But as I said - not in my nature :P Yup - I am a b***h of the first order.

Every morning I used to go downstairs (five floors down) with J to see him off to work. And I would then climb the stairs - all five floors. One auntyji who lived in our building commented to MIL that I probably shouldn't be doing that. I could understand it coming from an uneducated old lady but was most astonished when an OBGYN admonished me for taking two walks each day! Thankfully this wasn't my regular OBGYN otherwise I'd have switched doctors before you could say "Wha??". My own OBGYN was on the same page as me regarding activity levels during pregnancy. She even advised me to swab floors every day for a fit pregnancy. She said I could safely drive a two wheeler provided I didn't have to kick start it. So I zoomed around on a Kinetic Honda when I went to my parents' for two months during my second trimester. I even dragged J to a trip to Mount Abu because I desperately wanted one more trip with him without a baby. Someone in my mom's colony said I shouldn't walk so fast when pregnant. Someone else said I shouldn't sit cross legged. WTH???

The stupidest "honey don't do" was when I was told not to eat Jamuns. Apparently eating them makes the baby's skin darker. I foolishly gave in (because I didn't want any more battles than I could handle - definitely NOT because I believed in it too) and regret it till date. Now I don't think I will ever get to eat Jamuns as they are not available here in the US and I don't see a summer trip to India in our foreseeable future. I was also advised not to watch the horror shows and movies that I was so addicted to in those days. By none other than my dear FIL :P When I didn't budge, help was sought from J to make me understand. I still didn't budge and continued to watch those "comedy" shows ("Zee horror show", "Aahat" on Sony TV couldn't be anything but). Even watched "The Poltergeist" and some other Hollywood horror flicks. Everyone lived in terror believing the baby will be born deformed from all those ghastly images I was looking at. S was as beautiful as a baby could ever be - she sure showed them! And she had an even more beautiful temperament. So it really disproved the theory that the TV shows I was watching would affect the baby's appearance or personality. Oh, and I was asked not to drink tea the way I like it - tea leaves steeped in hot water for a minute and with sugar and a touch of milk (2 teaspoons EXACTLY measured). The baby would get a dark skin, it seemed. I was advised to drink tea with loads of milk in it. I opted for a darker skinned baby instead.

I was even asked to read Ramayan or BhagvadGita every day. Now, I am not against reading them but just because I was pregnant? In lieu of the murder mysteries and thrillers I was so hooked on? Thanks but no thanks! In retrospect I think I was the most difficult pregnant DIL to ever live with. I had a mind of my own and didn't hesitate in using it.

The second pregnancy was a bit better because we were here in the US, away from the meddling auntyjis and concerned relatives. But friends carried out some of the responsibilities dutifully. I invited some friends for dinner on Thanksgiving and that is when we declared that I was pregnant (I don't get the "we are pregnant" thing. We were expecting, but I was pregnant). As soon as I declared my pregnancy a friend started admonishing me for having cooked so much all by myself when I was pregnant. I humored her for a while but when it became too much to bear I snapped "I am pregnant, not an bedridden". That did the trick. I had no idea at that time how many times I would have to use this sentence in my entire pregnancy.

Friends kept insisting at gatherings that I should sit down and eat first and rest. I humored some, and blasted some. Then a friend threw me a baby shower. We planned it together and decided the shower would be a women-only shower. Since we had a friend coming in from NJ and another cousin of mine flying in from Chicago, I decided to have a post-baby-shower party at my place. I planned a simple menu that could be prepared with minimal efforts. Dahi Bade, Veg Biryani, Moong Dal Pakode, some other chaat items and a sweet dish (I forget what it was). I prepared everything before leaving for the shower in the afternoon so that I wouldn't have to do anything when I came back. We had about 5 or 6 families (including ours) gathered. When I got back from the baby shower, I found J in a foul mood. I immediately thought it was because we were late but he told me that he was ticked off because a friend had been insisting that we order food from outside. Even after J told him that all the food was ready. When we came back, this friend again started telling his wife to disregard what I was saying and order up some idli-dosa from a local restaurant. That's when I lost my cool and yelled "What about the food I have already cooked? And why are you treating me like an invalid?" This is a very dear friend and I really appreciate the concern he and his wife show for us all the time, but I guess I was completely fed up with the mollycoddling by then. He understood after that and backed off, I made a deal with his wife that I will let her serve the food and I'll "rest" and everything ended on a happier note after that. I did feel sorry (and still do) for having yelled at him but I believe he left me no choice.

I once mentioned to a colleague that I was still carrying computers and servers at my job to which I promptly received a concerned reprimand. I told her I was careful and did all the lifting with my arms (I have strong arms, back and shoulders from years of working out with weights and from carrying big water buckets to water plants during my younger days). I really was careful, but there was no way I was going to give all work up just because I was pregnant. I even stayed back at work till 3 AM for a phone server repair project during my last trimester. I liked the way my boss showed his concern. He didn't tell me not to do it. He kept calling me every hour after end of business until I left for home. His concern really touched me because he showed faith in my professional abilities yet showed his concern for my personal safety.

I even planted my vegetable garden during my last trimester, almost 8 months pregnant. It was Mother's Day weekend and I dug up the bed with a shovel, turned the soil and planted all the plants I'd gotten for the garden. J helped by dumping bags of soil in the bed, but after that I was on my own to spread it out and do the rest. This is what I love about J. He trusts my judgment. He never admonished me for anything I did during my pregnancy if I told him I was OK doing it. He showed a complete trust in my abilities. And maybe because of that trust I WAS able to do all that.

I had a grueling schedule all through my pregnancy. I changed my office time to 7:30 am to 4 pm. I would pick up S from after-school program and take her to all her after-school activities (at that time she had swim practice twice a week and was taking tennis lessons), came home, cooked dinner and even attended a zillion Board of Ed/ PTO council/ PTO/ Norwalk Budget meetings. I often came home from these meetings after 10 pm - at least 2 days a week. AND I managed to ride the stationary bike for at least 40 minutes each day to keep my blood sugar under control. I am sure I wouldn't have been able to do even half of it if we had my or J's parents living with us. They would have been too stressed out to let me do it.

The week leading to my delivery was a completely different story. I had a crisis at work, which required me to pull an allnighter (from home). As a result, I developed high blood pressure by next morning. Since I was already past the 36 week mark in my pregnancy, my OBGYN said he would prefer doing the c-section early than wait on pin and needles to make sure the baby wasn't harmed by the high blood pressure. So he rescheduled my c-section and upped it by one week. That gave me absolutely no time to rest, relax and reorganize as I had planned. But you've gotta do what you've gotta do. So I had the c-section on June 5th (instead of June 12th as planned) and the rest, as the cliche' goes, is history.

HUGE Milestone!

Saturday, May 24 2008: One step - towards mamma.
Wednesday, May 28 2008: TWO steps - towards daddy.
Wednesday, May 28 2008, a little while later: One step - towards mamma.

Woo Hoo!!!

Oh, and other accomplishments?

Sunday May 12 2008: Climbs DOWN 5 stairs (with daddy anxiously reaching out to prevent any falls).
Wednesday, May 28 2008: Climbs UP the stairs ALL THE WAY!!

Again - Woo Hoo!!!

One-one and one to one

This is month 11 for M and at the beginning of it she was one month away from being one year old. Howzzat for some math, huh?? :D I have been meaning to write since a long time but either I don't have the time or I don't have anything to write. I know many friends of mine will go "Wha?? You have a baby and you don't have anything to write about?" Well really, I am not the kind of parent to write about every single thing my daughter does. I just ain't. Though I would love to do that but when I sit down to write baby updates, my mind goes blank. Like it has now - why else do you think I am rambling? :)

Last week, M said her first "conscious" word that she picked up from us. I was brushing my teeth in the morning and Ms. M came cruising into the bathroom. She pulled herself up against the bathtub and then after looking in for a little while went "Na Na Na". Short for "nahai nahai" - which is baby speak for (roughly) "take a bath". So there! She spent almost all weekend singing "mama, mama" in a strong voice. When I try to get her to say "mama" she smiles and goes "papa papa". This one already knows how to push my buttons! She sings too - "la la la la la la la". And when I sing "la la la" back to her, she goes again! We do this on our way to her daycare after S takes the bus.

Her first pearly white made an appearance in this month. Right after that, 3 more teeth popped out. All at once. She has been crawling at super speeds and has lately been letting go and standing unsupported. I call her "spidey" because she crawls fast and sometimes looks like a spider darting from rock to rock. She got another ear infection before I went to India, but got better and since then has been OK. I took her to the ENT specialist who declared her ears fluid free and infection free. He also did a hearing test on her and declared her hearing top notch! She still likes to hear only selected things - so in that matter she seems to be taking after her dad :D

M has grown so much and so much has happened in the last month that I am having trouble remembering all of it. So it'll all come in bits and pieces. Oh yes! We have seen tantrums. And we continue to see them everyday. She decides she wants some thing, or HAS to be picked up RIGHT NOW and goes "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". If she is on the floor, all the more better! Then she can spread out on the floor and bang her legs. She even tried banging her head against the bathroom door when J went in to take a shower against Her Highness Ms. M's wishes. I guess that must have hurt because she didn't try it again. I sure didn't supply any sympathies :P We are getting used to these tantrums and most times just walk off. Other times I find it so damn funny that I start laughing in front of her and she feels insulted. Increases her efforts then :D

Speaking of head banging - she really banged her head yesterday. FOUR times, on different occasions. The first time it happened in the morning when she pulled herself up on a folded stool and then started shaking it. Fell, with the stool falling on the top of her head. Cried a bit but was quiet as soon as I picked her up. Then,after she came home from the daycare, S was playing with her on our bed. J had fallen asleep trying to get M to take a nap (poor thing!), M went to the edge of the bed, looked down cautiously, then looked up at the light (or fan, maybe) and lost her balance. Fell on her head. Later she was standing against an end table and when I called her, she let go, tried to sit down and hit her bum on the edge of the fireplace just behind her. That made her lose balance and fall over on her face. Yeah she cried but it WAS funny! Yup, heartless meanie I am! She fell one more time but I can't remember the details. So, with all this falling on her head, I am fully expecting her to turn out a little crazy. If that happens, remember you heard it here first!

M has started doing one thing that has made my life easier a whole lot. She holds the milk bottle on her own while drinking milk. And she drinks more if she holds it herself. With that our morning schedule has eased up a whole bunch as I just plop her in her high-chair, hand her the bottle and occasionally remind her "doodh pi lo!" (drink your milk) while packing lunches and preparing breakfasts. She even likes finger foods. Wants to eat by herself, and I ain't sayin' no! I try to give her as much finger food as I can. Sometimes it has to be spoon fed - like when it is dal-chawal or khichdi. M got introduced to mangoes this Saturday - May 24th. She loved the taste! That small mouth kept opening like a goldfish's to gobble those bite sized pieces up. We are currently in the process of switching her to whole milk from formula. Once we are done, she will also get a taste of mango milkshakes and I bet she'll love it! I have started giving her regular food with a little less spices. I want her to get used to the food that we eat so I am not taking out portions for her before adding spices. I just add less-than-normal spices and we are all eating the same food. S is definitely happy! M likes the taste of whole milk too - less fuss in drinking it. Keeping my fingers crossed.

She has suddenly developed a liking for pacifiers. Initially, if we tried to give her one, she'd spit it out in a rage. Last week, she found one in the basket that holds her nasal saline bottle, nasal aspirator and other random stuff. Popped it in her mouth and went cruisin'. Kept pushing it back in with the back of her wrist every time it dangled at her mouth, ready to fall off. But we aren't in a hurry to give her one if she has survived the year without them. Yes, we haven't thrown them out (we have at least 4 - none of them was bought by us. They were either given by the hospital or came free with some other stuff we bought) so she stumbles across one every now and then.

There's a lot more stuff that happened but I don't remember. I will record it here as and when I remember it.

Her first budday is coming up. We were swinging between no party and a little get-together. Finally we decided upon inviting just close friends and family to a simple get together. A small bunch of friends and cousins will gather on June 8th and spend a happy day together. And by small I mean about 27 adults and 18 or so kids. Yes, the list could have been at least double its size if we hadn't done some heartless chopping of names off of it. We'll just invite those other friends over for lunch or dinner on some other pretext. The reason behind keeping it small is that the last time we had a big get together, we invited about 120 people (including 35+ kids), 80 accepted the invitation and only 68 (including 25 or so kids) showed up. We had planned to have the party on the deck, which is fairly large. And the backyard is big enough for 30 odd kids to run around like crazy. The weather went severely bad on us on the day of the party - high, chilly winds - forcing us to take the party indoors. That wasn't fun. Cramming so many bodies inside the house may have been fun if we were all teenagers. We are not. So it wasn't. So I have learnt my lesson - invite only as many people as your house can accommodate without bursting at the seams. People have more fun if they aren't constantly banging into others or stepping on toes.

So that's that. My little baby turns one on June 5th and I absolutely have no idea where time flew. I still remember the day I went in for embryo transfer with crystal clarity. I don't remember the last 10 months. Well, I do but I still wish for more.

Do I HAVE to fit the mould?

I have this mega grouse. People expect me to fit a mould of their expectations. They have some preconceived notions of how a woman should look, behave and think. And they want to stuff me in that mould. Even if I don't fit, even if I am much more than just how I look. Then some have another mould ready for me - that of a mother. Being one, I am expected to have certain feelings, behave certain way (again), do certain things. Some well-meaning souls have a set of criteria ready for my older daughter and in time will want to implement it on my younger one too. After all, girls/women/females need guidance, no? They are pretty incapable of thinking for themselves, making good decisions and tend to be foolish.

Just recently, a female coworker told me how I look much better these days - what with my growing hair and resultant feminine looks. Is that all I am? Hair and looks? So, if someone were to see me in short, SHORT hair (as I usually like to keep them), would I look less feminine? Is feminity associated only with long hair?? More importantly, is feminity that important? Suppose you worked with me. Would it change your professional opinion of me if I cut my hair short? Or grew them long?

Dictionary.com defines "feminine" as "having qualities traditionally ascribed to women, as sensitivity or gentleness". I have further issues with this. 1) How does having long hair relate to sensitivity or gentleness? OK - this is just in context of the co worker's comment. Dictionary.com doesn't say this. 2) WHY are they considered feminine traits? Can't men be sensitive or gentle? My man is. Does that mean he is not man enough? Does he have to be aggressive and insensitive to prove himself as a man?

A few months ago I had another argument with another coworker. Not related to the recent "feminine" grouse, but I have been thinking about it and meaning to write about it here. She says I need to be more feminine (wear dresses, wear makeup, wear jewelry) so that my girls can learn it from me. Again - two issues.

1. WHY do I need to do all this (especially since I don't like to) to teach my daughters how to dress beautifully or apply makeup. Granted I don't know how to apply makeup, but they can learn from friends, no? How many of us learnt it from our mothers? I can get them the resources, or maybe even learn along with them - hey, no skill is small.

2. Why do they HAVE to grow up feminine? (This is the argument my coworker gave - they won't grow up feminine if I don't do all this because they won't have a role model). I am perfectly happy - in fact MORE happy - if they grow up to be tomboys. With no hangups about their looks or dresses or tresses. Leads to a simpler and less complicated life methinks.

I wouldn't discourage their choices. I will try to teach them to think for themselves before taking anything up. But if one of my daughters decides she wants to look pretty and all dressed up, I'll be glad that there is at least one female in our family willing to do so. Me? I can't be bothered to try to look feminine. I try to dress well. I like wearing jewelry and makeup occasionally. If I end up looking feminine and pretty, well BONUS! But I have been known to walk out of the house without lipstick and mascara. Or I should say - I have been known to occasionally walk out with lipstick and mascara ON. I usually go without.

So. After all this meaningless rambling, my only question is - why is pseudo-feminity such a big deal? By pseudo-feminity I mean feminity associated ONLY to looks and not the behavioral traits associated with it. What does it matter to you if I have short hair and look like a boy? Isn't it enough that I am kind, gentle and witty (or trying to be) and good at what I do professionally?

Another thing I have often thought about is something I have heard some women say, including my MIL. A girl should be ready to make sacrifices for her brothers or father (or family). By sacrifices they mean small gestures like saving the last piece of a sweet for the brother, or giving the brother/father the best piece and saving the not-so-good or downright unpalatable piece for herself. Giving up the TV remote for them. Or the Sunday comics. Putting them first, not thinking about herself. Or bigger gestures - like not having a mind or opinion of their own. Doing what the father/brother/elders say. Marrying the guy of the family's choice. Or NOT marrying the guy of their own choice. Being "homely". Giving up their own comfort for the comfort of others.

Well, it sounds great and idealistic, innit? Raising selfless daughters so they will spread sunshine and happiness where ever they go. But I am sorry - I ain't gonna do it. I am going to teach my daughters to be selfish. Not selfish as in "I want this and the rest of the world may go to hell". But selfish as in "I feel this is right for me so I am going to stand up for myself even if it might upset someone". Maybe this isn't selfishness. Maybe "headstrong" is the word I am looking for? Or it is just self-respect. When you have it, you know that there are certain things you shouldn't/wouldn't compromise on even if they made someone else upset. THAT is what I want my daughters to learn. I don't want to turn them into doormats.

This thought first entered my mind years ago when I only had S. M hadn't even entered my mind i.e. I hadn't even started planning a second baby. We were going to India to visit with family. The year was 2003. I and J had decided that I and S would first go to Jodhpur, where my brother, his wife and parents were going to meet me. Then after spending a week there, I would head to Indore for two weeks. Then I would visit my parents for one week again, this time in Dhar, M.P. where my mom was then stationed. My parents and brother had agreed to come down to Jodhpur because I wanted to go there - no trip is complete without going to "mharo pyaaro Jodhpur" (My lovely Jodhpur). I thought this was a fair deal. I was spending equal amount of time with both sets of parents, not a day more or less at either place. But my FIL thought otherwise. And he let my parents know this. Then my dad started pressuring me into changing my plan to go to Indore first as I was a bahu first and a daughter second. To cut a long story short, I lost all interest in going to India. I couldn't understand why anyone would have any problems with our plan as

1) J and I agreed upon it completely. In my opinion, if we are in agreement, no one else's opinion matters in this case.

2) We agreed on this plan because this involved least amount of traveling within India which is what you want when you are visiting just for 4 weeks.

Anyway, finally I did what we had planned all along, though not without arguments, debates, anger flare-ups and taunts. During this planning phase I told my mom once - I promise you, I am going to bring my daughter up to be very selfish so she doesn't have to go through all this EVER! Even today, I intend to do that. Well, not raise her to be selfish, but to raise her to be a headstrong woman. Who would be fair but not compromise on things just to make others happy - especially if those compromises make HER unhappy. My sister-in-law - my brother's wife - is one such woman. She is a kind, gentle woman, yet so sure about what she wants. She is headstrong and confident. I told her (and my mother) I want her to be my daughters' role model. Tell me - is there a potion I could give my daughters so they would grow up to be like that?

Livin' it up!

This (not so) hot mama has been livin' it up today. Went bar hopping with a few colleagues today. Had a great time and got a super duper buzz with just two glasses of red wine :P Now I do know when to call it quits - so I did after those two glasses and came back home. But not before buying Creme Caramel Ice Cream cone with a girlfriend from work.

Reason I am so chirpy about the great time I had? This was the first time I went bar hopping. Heck, this was the first time I sat at the bar and ordered a drink! Obviously I have led an oversheltered and overprotected life till now. But not any more. I went to India alone last month, and went bar hopping today. Who knows? I might get to do another thing that's on my list - live in an apartment alone. I hope to be able to do it once the kids leave for college, or at least once the kids are a little older. I don't want to run away. Just want to live in a separate apartment and go out with J in the evenings on mock dates :P Ya think I am asking for too much?

Oh yes - we are so buying a couple of motorcycles once the kids are in college! That has been my "retirement plan" for a long time.

Mad. Hoppin' mad.

I am mad at S' teacher. Its been slowly building up but now I am at a point where I am ready to explode. When S first got assigned to her class, we were happy. We had heard good things about this teacher. On the day of parent orientation, she seemed attentive and courteous enough. She asked each parent what their social and academic goals for their child were and she actually wrote the answers down in a small notebook. I thought "Wow! Here is someone who is not just talk". She even gave us her home phone number and encouraged us to call her in the evenings if we wanted to discuss something with her. And to be fair, she does take calls when we call her, and talks to us.

Even now I am only mad at her for just one thing. Otherwise I think she is a good enough teacher. From what S tells me, she has a sarcastic tongue and rolls her eyes at kids and is too opinionated about certain things - but that I am willing to live with if my child is learning well in her class and isn't being traumatized with all the eye rolling. In fact, S seems to be one of her favorite students so I don't have anything to complain about there.

Now a little background on why I am mad. The Norwalk school system has an "Academically talented" program in which kids who are considered "gifted" or capable of taking more challenges than other kids are instructed on something above and beyond the curriculum. Frankly I never cared if S got in this program or not. I thought she would get in on her own merit if she was good enough. But a few friends convinced me to at least talk to the teacher about it saying sometimes teachers wait for the parents to bring it up. That seemed kind of strange to me because if you have a program that has certain criteria one has to meet in order to get in then one should get in if they met the criteria irrespective of whether their parents talked to the teacher or not. Right? Apparently not so.

Anyway. I talked to Mrs. Z, S' teacher. And she gushed about how academically advanced S is and how she cannot imagine why S isn't in the AT program already and how some other kids who have no business being in the program are in there and how she WILL recommend S for the program this year. I told her I was not looking to get my daughter in at all costs, but I was just asking her for her opinion. She asked to look at the standardized test results for S from last year and I sent her a copy. She looked at them and said S indeed had achieved advanced level in math and writing but was on (the upper side of) the goal level (range) for reading and that is why she didn't get in the AT program (a child needs to be placed in advanced level for reading to qualify for the program). I knew that already. I told her I thought that if S had the potential to be in that program, then I thought I owed it to her to help her try and achieve it. If, after trying, she still couldn't get into the program, I'd be OK with the decision - she would have at least tried. If a little help is all she needed to get from goal level to advanced level in reading then I thought I should give her that help. Mrs. Z said she will work with S on her reading skills and she was confident S will improve her reading skills enough to become eligible for the program. She even started working with S on her reading skills initially.

In March, during the parent-teacher conference, Mrs. Z raved about how S' comprehension skills were so much better than most of the other students and how she was the only one to have correctly answered a few questions based on a particular passage while the rest of the class got it completely wrong. She said she was definitely going to recommend S for the AT program. I reminded her again that I wanted S to go into that program only if she was eligible because I definitely don't want her to be in a program which is above her level as that would stress her out more.

So all year long, every time we talked to Mrs. Z, she raved and gushed about how S was doing so well and yes, she was "AT material". Then, when I thought the deadline for recommending students to the AT program much be approaching, I called her and left her a message. She called me back to tell me she was waiting for the standardized test results for this year before she recommends S as she wanted to make absolutely sure that S' grades justified the recommendation. That was the first time I felt a little odd - hadn't she been saying all along that she WILL recommend S for the program? And I knew the results wouldn't be out until May or June by which time the deadline would have gone by. She assured me we would still have time.

Now, two days ago, I learnt that the deadline has indeed passed. So now even if Mrs. Z wanted to, (I am questioning her intentions now) she wouldn't be able to recommend S for the program. I left her a message citing all this (our past conversations and her recent stance on waiting for the results) and asked her why did she lead us to believe that S would be recommended for the program when she didn't want to? She called our home number a couple of hours back (and I am sure she did it on purpose - to avoid talking to me, otherwise she would have called me on my cellphone like she has done in the past for other issues. And I left my cell phone number for her in my message. Its her bad luck that J is at home today and received the call) and told J that she didn't recommend S because "her test results from grade 2 weren't good enough and now it is too late anyway". We already knew that. I'd rather not go into my theory regarding why her results weren't as good as they could have been because that would need another lengthy post. And that IS why we asked her to assess S' performance during THIS year to determine if she could qualify for the program. There IS such a provision in the regulations for doing this so we weren't asking her to go out of her way to do this. We just asked her to follow procedure. Also, I did ask her about the deadline and at that time she said we had sufficient time.

So all this has pissed me off terribly. I am not mad because S didn't get into the program. I was ready for that result. And as I said earlier, if S doesn't qualify for the program, I don't want her to be in it as it will only stress her out. I am mad because the teacher raised false hopes. She should have been straightforward in her stance from the beginning and should have told us she didn't believe S should be in the program. We would have respected her decision. Maybe, she really believed initially that S should be in the program and as the year progressed, realized otherwise. But in that case, she should have told me so during our last conversation on this issue (during the March parent-teacher conference). But her review of S' performance in that parent teacher conference led me to believe that S had improved her reading comprehension skills considerably. I talked to another friend whose daughter is probably better in reading comprehension than S and I found out that Mrs. Z did the same thing to her. I feel cheated. I feel like an ass who has been walking for miles in hope of getting a bite out of that carrot dangling in front of its eyes. That's exactly how I feel.

Old news. Still True.

I came across this in an email forward. I had read it before but today I wanted to inflict the pain on share it with others.

Bill Gates gave a speech at Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, CA in 2004 about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Of gracious hosts and such

I recently went to India for a VERY short trip. 6 days, including 4 days of transit time. The purpose was to surprise my parents for my mother's retirement party. I had told them I couldn't make it as I didn't want to bring the kids along in such heat and leaving them behind would be impossible. It turned out that leaving the kids behind was not all that impossible - J volunteered to take care of them while I visited my parents. So off I went after some hectic planning and involving many nice people to help me in this project. Another post on that later. For now, I just want to thank MadMomma and the OA for their hospitality. MM made space for me in her calendar on a WEEKNIGHT, picked me up from the airport, fed me good food, gave me a very stimulating company, even let the maids take care of the Brat and the Bean so she could keep me company. The gracious OA gave us company occasionally, joined us for dinner and then he and MM drove me to the airport. On our way there, we lost the way and had to stop and ask for directions (due to the darn construction and no detour signs). Poor OA was more worried than I was, of missing the flight. But they did drop me off in time and I had no problems at all boarding my flight.

The kids. What can I write about the kids that everyone doesn't already know? :) They are the sweetest kids I have ever seen. Bean came so willingly into my arms, I was taken aback. She doesn't see the monster in me that most babies see?? And the Brat was cute beyond words! MM, I am not big on words, but please know that if I knew how to use them, I would sing praises of your entire family for ages to come!

Thank you MM and OA, for your gracious hospitality, stimulating conversations, bhookhe ko bhojan and everything else you did to make me feel comfortable. I know I have made friends for life.

The first stanza always makes me cry

One of my mostest favoritest songs