Silly numbers...

Just realized that Mitthi mouse is 11 months, 1 week and 1 days into her 9th year and Ninni-the-Pooh is 4 months and 4 days old!

What a way to cheer up!

Over the weekend, somethings really dragged me down and I wasn't "feeling the love"! Then I ventured over to Rohini's blog while blog-surfing on Monday and what do I see??? She has awarded me the Rockin' Girl Blogger Award!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to thank her first for - for pulling me out of the dumps, for saying that I rock or for perpetuating the myth that I am still a girl? :D

And now I pass it on to -

Lumi: Even during times when she had a lot going on in her life, I never caught even a hint of the "why me?" bitterness.

Broom: The strength she has shown in the past months in recovering from a divorce amazes me.

Dotmom: Her husband had a heart attack recently but when I read her post recounting the event(s), I couldn't help but marvel at her strangth and composure.

Suki: I just started reading her blog and I like the conviction with which she writes.

Megha: I have been a long-time admirer of her sarcastic wit. I wish for my daughters to grow up to have the same wit and the strength to take on all and any trolls that they may come across in their lives.

Thanks Rohini! And I swing this one right back at ya! You rock, girl!!

Fog...

The weekend started out well. I got a good night's sleep, woke up and had a liesurely cup of tea (which is always good), did many loads of laundry through the day, even went to Walmart to get a mop (so now my hardwood floors will get a mopping of PineSol!). But somewhere along the way the fresh, light feeling disappeared and gloom took its place. I don't do well with discord around me. Even if it doesn't involve me (and this one doesn't). I was uneasy for the rest of the day. Still am, though it is slowly dissipating. Hope tomorrow will be a little better. I wish I could write about it but can't. Don't want to. Writing about it will make it more real than it already is for me. I don't want reality right now. I want Disney-peddled "Happily ever after" - for everyone around me.

Month 107..... or so

Note: I know I cheated. I changed the title of my post. It now says "Month 107 .. or so" instead of "Month 104...". Today when I was in the shower I realized I made a mistake in calculating the months. Anyway - these forehead smacking moments are happening in the Kay household (to Cee of course!) almost everyday these days :D

Been a long time since I wrote a post about S. A post on month 4 for Baby M is already coming up soon so I, in my eternal (yet futile) quest to be fair to both my daughters, decided to post an update about S too. A long overdue update.

I don't even know where to start from. I think I'll start from her fight with Alopecia Areata. She is still fighting it. She has gotten almost all her hair back but there are still a few very stubborn bald patches left on her scalp. Her strength amazes me. It is like she doesn't even care about them but I know that she does. She just doesn't speak about it. She acts all non-chalant but I know she is thrilled to have her hair back.

Before this started, I would often tell her that I wanted to cut her hair short and that she will have to learn to take care of her hair before I will let her grow it long. And then she lost all of it. I felt so guilty because at that time we didn't know if she will ever get her hair back. I felt guilty for not letting her enjoy something as simple as long hair. I felt guilty because in some way I thought I was guilty. I felt like my saying that I'd cut her hair short had made it fall out. I knew it wasn't true but guilt is an amazing thing. It makes you believe all sort of nonsense. I usually don't take guilt trips but this is one I never returned from.

S got into Norwalk's swim team last year. We were thrilled that she even considered trying. Initially she didn't want to but we convinced her to try out for the team. We told her that if she did get in, she didn't have to continue if she didn't like it. Turns out she does like it. So much that this year she made the decision to stop her tennis lessons and focus on swimming. I am just glad that she is thinking for herself.

I am seeing a confident, responsible S emerge from my baby S. We never have to remind her to do her homework (well, almost never). She remembers to take her library books back and even helps out at home a lot. Helps put away groceries, helps clean up the house, even helps take care of Baby M. Our mornings are finally calm and serene because I no longer have to yell "S! Hurry UP!" 1013 times. In fact, she gets ready and then helps me by loading all my stuff (my handbag, my lunch/book bag, my laptop bag and sometimes an odd file folder or so) in the car. Mornings are less rushed now and consist of sane conversations like "What are you going to do at school today?". We don't forget to send important permission slips to school anymore. We have time to say "Bye" to the baby FIVE times :D

S has been taking Piano lessons for over 2 years now and this is her second year taking Violin lessons. And I am glad to notice that she enjoys these. I would never want to push her into learning something that she doesn't enjoy. She LOVES reading. She is reading the fourth Harry Potter now. And she is writing in her "Reading Journal" (something they have to write in as homework) about these books. Initially I was apprehensive about letting her read beyond the first three Harry Potter books because I heard that they get a little too graphic beyond that (I haven't read them, so I don't know). But then, after seeing how keen she is to read them, I left it up to her school's librarian to decide if these books are appropriate for S. The librarian at S' school is this nice, tech-savvy lady who actually enjoys her library duties and takes them seriously! That includes assisting kids find age-appropriate books for reading. Besides, I grew up reading all sorts of books (even horrors, thrillers and chillers) at a young age and I am fine! If something scared me, I spent a few nights chanting the Gayatri Mantra under the covers - thats it! So maybe I should focus on teaching her the Gayatri Mantra to tide her through those scary nights instead :D

She is a patient child. Always has been. Before Baby M came along, I'd promised her I'd let her get her hair braided and nails done professionally (just ONCE) as a "BIG SISTER" gift for her. I am yet to get the necessary appointments. She has reminded me a number of times but I always forget. But she has never thrown a fit over that.

Coming back to her swimming abilities. Swimming is doing her more good than we could ever imagine. She has developed a good physique due to that. She has these nice, square, broad shoulders that look good in halter tops. The other day she mentioned at the bus stop that she was very worried about an upcoming physical fitness test at school. She said she thought she won't be able to pass it. In the evening, when I asked her how it went, she told me she was one of the few kids who went beyond the required number of sit-ups and curls in these tests. They were required to do 26 sit-ups, she did 40. They were told to do 18 curls, she did 30. I have seen that she always underestimates herself. I guess she is afraid of failing. I think I need to work on that with her. I want her to realize that more important than being on the top in everything is that you try your best.

A friend of mine has been after me to talk to her teacher about getting her into the Academically Talented program at her school. Kids get into this program based on their test scores, teachers' recommendations and their "out-of-the-box" thinking. Well, I did talk to the teacher but I found out that the reason S didn't get into it is that her State standardized test score in reading is just at goal level. She has been placed at advanced levels in both, writing and math. Even though I think it is unfair that only scores in reading are given importance and thus kids achieving high scores in writing and math lose out, I am perfectly fine with the fact that S didn't get into AT program. It doesn't make or break anything, I told her. She will still be as intelligent as she is. And we are working at improving her reading skills. Not because I want her to get in the AT program, but because I think she can do much better. The reason her scores in reading have been lower than those in writing and math is that she just whizzes through the text she is reading and in her hurry sometimes misses the context or interprets it incorrectly.

So, this is how S is doing these days. I am just sad that she is growing up so fast. "Don't grow up so fast, Mamuni" I tell her. And she just smiles that patient little smile of hers and says "I can't help it mamma".

From a budding chef's kitchen

Lately there have been more updates about M than there have been about S and while that is natural, it isn't fair. So here is a tid-bit about S.

She created this snack ALL ON HER OWN!! She took foods that she likes - bread, butter, sugar, chocolate syrup, chocolate chips and bananas and put them together to create a yummy (her words, not mine) snack! I leave you with a mouth watering picture of the same. :D

For the record, I have tasted it sans the chocolate chips and chocolate syrup (did I ever tell you I HATE chocolate flavor - except in a cake??) and it indeed was very, very, very delicious. S is proud of the fact that this is a very healthy recipe because it has whole grain bread and a fruit! I really loved the look of pride on her face when she presented this snack to me and later when I photographed it.

Hope to keep this interest alive and maybe she will be competing on "Top Chef" one day.... :D

BO-ring!!

All the women I work with, are very nice to me. At least to my face. If they bitch about me behind my back, I don't know (and frankly, I don't care). Most of the men I work with are genuinely nice to me and the rest are cordial and no one is downright rude to me. My neighbors don't bother me and no one in our social circle is rude or mean or argues with us over anything.

SIGHHHHH!! Life is so boring! What do I blog about?

Caught in the act!!!

When in doubt...

...take a quiz! You scored as Peter Pan, Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up. Peter Pan 81% Goofy 75% The Beast 63% Donald Duck 56% Sleeping Beauty 50% Pinocchio 50% Ariel 44% Cinderella 25% Cruella De Ville 19% Snow White 19% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

I am SO glad that Snow White and Cinderella feature lower down the list. I would have preferred their names not appear on the list at all, but well...

And I LOVE the fact that Goofy is second from the top!! I love Goofy. I can act goofy! (Or should that be "goofily"? Is that even a word?)

Finally!!

Finally it happened! Something that I had been praying for and wondering if it would ever happen. This morning, when I went to say "bye" to Baby M (she was in her nani's arms), she stretched out her arms to come to me!! I thought she'd never do that. On occasions I have even felt a little bit of envy for my mom because anytime M sees her, she gets all excited and tries to go to her. I understand why she does that - my mom is her main caregiver these days. And I truly don't mind that at all (that M does this). To me, it means my mom is taking really good care of her. But when M showed no interest in coming to me a few days ago, it touched a raw nerve somewhere! All the things that my MIL once said to me about how S (who was a baby then) would have gotten excited and eager to come into my arms "if only I were nursing her" came to my mind. That is a mean thing to say to a new mom. And you can only imagine how mean when the said mom hears it over and over in her mind when she has another baby EIGHT f**king years later. Yes, I am still having lactation problems. BIG TIME. But I am trying my damndest to get every last drop of milk that I can squeeze out of me into the baby. Anyway, rant aside, that small moment really made my day! My baby recognizes me!! Its another matter that she still doesn't smile at me much :( She does smile readily at my dad when he (tries to) whistle in front of her. The first time he tried to do that, only a whoosh of air came out! Yes, my dad is one of those people who can't whistle :D So, yesterday when he tried again and was successful, we joked that M was smiling because he finally succeeded. LOL!

Krazy Kays & their Knack for Krazy Knicks

Heh! Couldn't think of a "kornier" title :D

I thought I was tagged by someone to list all the silly (and embarrassing, in our case) nick names that we have given to our kids but patrolled the blog sphere up and down three times and still couldn't find the "tagger". So I am taking up the tag on my own because I just loved the idea (of publicly embarrassing my children)!! But if there is someone who indeed tagged me for this, please own up and appropriate credits shall be given!

Mitthi (translated to Punjabi, means "sweet") and Ninni (means "sleep" in kidspeak and can be taken as a twisted form of "naani" meaning "little" in Gujarati) are their “official” nick names. Simple, sweet and harmless. Then I also call S “Sweetie Mitthi Pie” and Mitthi Mouse while Ninni gets called by the nick "Cheeni* Ninni Pie" and Ninni The Pooh (created by big sis). Their Kaka (dad's bro) calls them “Dudu” and dadi has reserved the name “Ghappoodi” :D

* Cheeni: Sugar

Other nick names I use for them are – “Koochie koo” and Chikoo which has now turned into “Chika Mika Pika”. Then there is Sweetums, Jhagdoo (someone who fights a lot), Jhagdoo-Magdoo (you can see my penchant for rhyming here, can’t you? :D Another rarely used but embarrassing name is “Susu-Potty Baba” which came from the fact that this is what they did most of the time during the first three months of their life :P The credit goes to their dad.

Now on to the reeeally embarrassing nick names. There is a story behind them so I will narrate it first. Without it, those nicks just won’t make sense. When we were newly married, one day I called J “Sadela Gubrela” (Rotten beetle). Now J has a knack for playing with words. He can transform the sweetest, most innocent word into something wacky and funny in an instant. So pat came the reply “Sadeli Goo Bhareli”. To those unfamiliar with the middle classy word, it means poop (literally) and the last word means “full of” in Gujarati. So “sadela Gubrela” became “Sadela Goo Bharela” and then we applied this nick name to S (Poor, poor kid! Now you understand why I am saving for her therapy?) She is a good sport and didn’t throw a fit when we explained the meaning to her when she was old enough to understand. When M came home from the hospital, S very generously decided to share that nick name with her. She said she will keep the first part (“Sadeli") for herself, and generously hand over the second part (Goo Bhareli) to her little sis. Only, she mistakenly said “Goo Dhareli” instead of “Goo Bhareli" thanks to her broken Hindi. Now, I might not have the knack for witty/wacky names, but I do have a knack for translating ones that don’t have an apparent meaning. So I translated the second one as “Sitting like a poop” ( I know, I know – this post shouldn’t even have seen the light of the day) as “Dhareli” in Gujarati can be loosely translated to “dumped” in some instances. So now we have a Goo Bhareli and a Goo Dhareli in our house. And S has now generously donated “Sadeli/Sadela” to her mom and dad.

Remind me to start a savings account for M’s therapy too, will you?

Edited to add: S has made up a song with the most embarrassing nick name for M. It goes like this -

Ninni, Ninni, Bahut Sadeli

Also known as Goo Dhareli

(Yup! She got the genes!!!)

The race to nowhere

I just saw a Leap Pad Learning System's commercial on the idiot box that talked about learning skills for pre-school. I went "WTF???" in my mind. Pre-school teaches kids skills necessary for Kindergarten. When did things get so screwed up that babies need to learn skills to get into pre-school? Here, in the US, even pre-school is optional for kids. Parents don't have to send them there if they don't want to. Of course, there are certain skills a child must have before he or she enters kindergarten - like they should know how to read and write the alphabet, count to 20, know how to write their first and last name, know their address and phone number. THAT'S IT!!! It isn't too hard for a child to learn that. And that is exactly what S knew when she entered kindergarten. She is doing great in school despite the fact that she didn't know anything else. In fact, she is among the top five students in her class. And I am being very conservative when I say "top five". She could very well be on the top but we wouldn't know because no ranks are assigned to kids here. And we couldn't care less.

Every year, just before the November Parent-teacher conferences (that's when parents meet their kids' teachers to learn how their kids are performing in school and get the first progress report), and later before the March conferences, S becomes this pensive, stressed-out mass of nerves. She asks us 10 times each day "What will you do if you find out that I am failing? That I am not getting good grades?". And each year my answer is the same - "If you were to get bad grades, it would mean you need more help with your studies and we would help you. We would help you figure out how to improve performance". I don't care about grades at all. Not in elementary school. Later, when grades do matter, I will see to it that she is putting in her 100% in studies and even then if she scores low grades then I'll accept that - however hard that might be for me to do. All I want is for my child to put in her best efforts. I don't want to compare her to others and drive myself nuts trying to see who reads better than her or who swims faster or who is better at math. All I care about is whether or not she is making a sincere effort at whatever she does.

A friend recently mentioned to me that she is thinking of holding her son back from school one year because she thinks he isn't ready for it yet. That, in my opinion, is the smartest, and the toughest, decision to make. Only a parent can know their child's capabilities and if one honestly feels that starting a year later will help their child, I admire their courage. I say "courage" because this friend said she is expecting a lot of resistance from her entire family including her husband. We Indians, for some reason, place so much importance on starting school early. It is beyond MY comprehension. We don't seem to care how much the child understands of what has been taught, yet we are very worried about how early he or she can say the ABCs and recite the nursery rhymes or how far he/she can count.

At the beginning of this rant I was going to add the note that people shouldn't take offence to what I am going to write because I am not judging anyone. But then I realized - Heck yeah! I DO judge people who push their kids too soon too far to acquire skills that they might as easily learn in due course of time without being pressurized. How does it matter if a child can say the ABCs before going to pre-school? He/She is going to learn it there anyway, right? So, why not let the child sit back and enjoy life without any pressures of formal learning? They do a lot of learning while playing anyway. I am not against teaching them the alphabet, colors or the numbers during play. I am against sitting them down to teach these explicitly. I am against teaching them stuff just so they are "one up" against other kids in a gathering. I am dead against formally teaching anything to a child under the age of 3 years. I know this might not have gone well with the way things are done in India and for that reason I am happy that I live in a place where I can practise what I believe.

We started sending S to KUMON just before she started Kindergarten (a little before she turned 5). Even then we worried we might be pushing her too much so we decided to give it a try and stop if we saw any signs that she was being overworked. Fortunately, the owner of the KUMON franchise that S goes to, has the same philosophy regarding teaching kids. In her opinion, learning is only fun if the child doesn't feel overburdened. So, on occasions when we saw S taking a long time in finishing her KUMON homework (more than 15 minutes), she cut back the number of pages that were given to S for homework. She suggested we always make sure that she gets only as much homework as can be completed within 15 minutes. That really helped. S never felt overwhelmed. And we let her take a break from KUMON for one week 2-3 times a year. This ensures that S does her KUMON work willingly without us having to ride her constantly. Every year her teachers ask us if she feels pressured by the extra work. We don't think she does. For one thing, KUMON helps her stay ahead of the rest of her class at school. She was very proud of her math skills in Grade 2 when her classmates dubbed her the "Math Wizard". Small things like that keep her motivated to do the extra work. And we do see it paying off. Last year, by the end of Grade 3, S was already doing Grade 5 math (division and fractions). If all this can be accomplished without pressuring and pushing a child, then I think we are on the right path.

Once when we were at KUMON (S doing her classwork and I waiting outside in waiting room), an Indian lady came in with her 3 year old daughter. She wanted to sign her up for Reading. Professor P, owner of the KUMON franchise, tested that girl to determine the level she would start from and told the parent that she will be starting the child from the level that taught letter recognition. The parent immediately took offence to that and informed Professor P that her daughter already recognized all letters, thankyou. Upon being told that the girl got confused between lower-case p and q, and lower case b and d, the mom was furious. At her daughter! She started scolding her right then and there, demanding to know how she could confuse p with q and b with d when at home she always recognized the letters correctly. Now, I know children do get confused between these letters quite often and I don't think it is a crime punishable by public humiliation. The lady could very well have signed the kid up for the recommended level and if the child indeed was very comfortable with letter recognition, she would have sailed right through that level in no time anyway. That is MY thinking. We never pressured S into completing a level fast. In fact, on occasions we have requested that she be allowed to repeat a level so that her concepts become clearer (when we feel she is still a little hazy on the concepts). On other occasions, Professor P has recommened that we have her repeat a level and we have happily accepted because if S isn't a 100% comfortable with concepts taught at one level then she WILL face difficulties in future levels even if she scores good on the test. We do have a "positive reinforcement policy" under which S gets to buy a new board game or a book if she completes one level at KUMON. We NEVER associate having to repeat a level with failure. As a result, while friends tell me that their kids stopped KUMON after a little while because it became too boring or challenging or whatever, S is well into her 5th year at KUMON and wants to continue. Our original goal in sending her there was two-fold. One, she would gain self-esteem if she found she was better at something than the rest of her peers and two, it would help her in the (waaay) long term with SATs. We were bang on with the first one and seems like we might be correct about the second one too.

I actually pity a child when his/her parents start telling us how they taught their kid X, Y or Z at an early age. Or when they start comparing their kid with other kids "just to see where they are at". I am all for buying age-appropriate learning games for kids. But this commercial about teaching kids skills to get into pre-school got me. And the "Baby Einstein" DVDs get me for the same reason. DVDs and videos for 6 month old babies??? Come on! One friend of mine proudly told me (a few years ago) how her 6 month old was hooked on "Baby Einstein" videos. So much so that he whined and screamed if someone blocked his view while he was watching one. I guess she took it as a sign that he was a genius. I definitely took it as a sign that she needed to use more common sense in her parenting. (Hey Cee Kay! Bitchy much??! :P)

I think this race to get their kids to the top is all in the parents' heads. The kids will take their own time getting where they want to get, if they want it. And staying at the top once they get there is another matter. One can push their kid to the top, but they cannot keep their kid there if the kid him/herself is not motivated. And most kids eventually catch up to grade level learning. One might be able to push a kid to the top at an early age, but we also have to keep asking ourselves two questions.

1. Is it really going to make a difference in their lives 20 years from now? Will learning the alphabet at age 2 help them when they are 20 and in college?

2. Are they having fun (while learning things to "get to the top")? THAT, in my opinion, is the most important question of all. In my opinion, learning that is done while having fun stays with us longer than learning done under compulsion.

Indian = Hindu?

I came across this article in TOI mentioning that a Hindu religious leader, Thillayvel Naidoo, in South Africa has said that poeple who have converted to Christianity lose their right to be an Indian. Well, my mind is pretty numb from sleep-deprivation so I wasn't outraged right away, but a reaction is slowly forming inside of me. I am beginning to get angry and sad at the same time.

The one line that I still remember from the pledge that we took everyday in school (Central schools had their students recite the national pledge every morning) is - "India is a secular country". I was, and still am very proud of that one fact about my country. When we gained independance, we chose secularity as a nation even though we had deep roots in religion. That shows maturity. I went to a Catholic school till 6th grade and read stories from the Bible. Believed in them. I was raised as a Hindu but my parents never forced "hindutva" on me. As a result I am very tolerant towards other religions but am proud of my religion too.

So, when I read the above-mentioned article today just one question formed in my mind - "WHY?" Why do people have to choose between nationality and religion? Pastor Deena Muthen was only doing an honourable thing when he urged his parishoners to maintain their language and culture even after converting to Christianity. In my opinion, nothing could be more patriotic than that - to remember your roots and culture no matter which religion you follow. To project this as a cheap tactic to get more people to convert to Christianity seems, in itself, to be a cheap political/religious stunt on Naidoo's part. This is one of the reasons I do not like practising an organized religion - there is too much fanaticism and politics.

Months Two and Three

Month two and three flew by and we didn't even notice! We were too busy dealing with a fussy infant who only wants to sleep. Even when she is hungry. So she keeps whining in her sleep but if we wake her up to feed her, she raises hell!! And I told you before - she can scream like no one's business :D A LOT happened in these two months and I didn't get a chance to write this long-overdue post for various reasons. So, I am combining the two updates in one post. Hope this doesn't become a trend in my blogging habits.

We were paid a visit by the Cradle Cap fairy too. Had the two month visit to the doctor's office and she got her first shots then. Boy, was she pissed!! THREE DAYS - thats how long it took the Royal Highness Baby M to calm down and be her regular self again :P

We also took Baby M to the temple for the first time. Sorry, no pics. We forgot to take the camera along. But I do have other pictures to share. Baby M also visisted a friend's home for the first time. This was her first long-distance trip. We managed fairly well, the baby and I with all the nursing-feeding-pumping routine even though it was a little tough.

Things were fairly quiet in the second month but when we crossed the two-month mark and stepped into the third month- that's when things began heating up. Mainly because momma had the eventuality of going back to work hanging over her head. The time just flew by and momma got lazier by the day!

Maternal grandparents arrived on August 14th. things got more hectic but also more fun because now there were more people to share Baby M's antics with. Sometime this month we were blessed with that first smile. And Baby M discovered something just a few days ago - that she can use her leg - YES, LEG!!! - to kick the rattles hanging off the arm of her rocker. She smiled a little smile, kicked the rattles very tentatively at first, then a little more deliberately and then forgot about it! She hasn't repeated that ever since. I am glad I caught that the first time. She also discovered her hands - briefly. Just brought her fists close to her eyes, examined them for a few moments and then moved on to kicking her legs like that never happened. I had told S big stories about how, when M discovers her hands she will keep squinting at them for minutes at end again and again. Nothing of that sort happened. This girl just discovers things, takes a brief interest in them and when she has determined it is something "normal", she moves on.

She has started sucking on her fist, yes the entire fist, in this past month. No matter how many times we try to pry it out of her mouth, it is back in there as soon as our back is turned! The hungrier she is, or the more upset she gets, the harder she sucks. Then there are days when she doesn't put even a finger in her mouth. Maybe she is going to cut her first tooth soon? S cut her first tooth when she was 10 months old and I was hoping same would be the case with M becasue by then S' eating habits were pretty well-developed and we didn't go through the hunger-strike phase during the teething process. We'll see how it goes this time.

This month M caught the first infection. My! What a crappy milestone to reach!! Thankfully it wasn't that bad. She had a bad cough and was spitting up thick mucus. That too, on my first day back at work (September 4th)! There is this Universal Rule it seems - no mom can go back to work without something going wrong during the first 2 days. Even if the past three months have been pretty uneventful. We started M on homeopathy medicine immediately and within hours her temperature was down to 98.7 (from 100), coughing had reduced a lot and she wasn't spitting up mucus anymore. By the time I took her to the pediatrician's the next morning, she was a lot better. She is a lot better now, getting her appetite and her strength back. And she can scream again! For the past couple of days, when she cried, it was just a tired wail and I had started to miss her screaming! Now we are back in business :D

At the pediatrician's office, when the nurse came in to check her weight and to take the details about her condition, M kept flashing the nurse a BIG smile every few seconds. I have never seen her smile so much at us! In fact she NEVER (well, almost never) smiles at me or J. I think she figures we are stuck taking care of her anyways and she needs to smile only at those people who might come in useful someday :P Like the nurse - when it is time for the next shots. Maybe if M smiles at her enough, the nurse will jab the needle in mommy instead of M?? Hmmm....

She has begun liking her rides in the baby carrier now. J goes around with M in the baby carrier and she sits there, royally watching over the rest of us. When she was sick, she even took a nap in it when she had been very restless throughout the day and hadn't slept at all. We bought a sling for her first but she didn't like it from the beginning. I have carried her in it a total of one time when I put her in it, rocked her to sleep and went for a walk. As soon as she woke up, she screamed her head off to be let out of that prison! The sling lies in a corner now. Maybe I'll give it another try a little while later. Then we bought this and she seems to be happy with it.

Almost at the end of month three, I had a case of Mastitis. Talk about irony! Here I am, pumping like crazy to squeeze whatever amount of milk I can and I get clogged ducts! The lactation expert said it seems like my body was making more milk than I realized. Hmmmm, really?? 'Coz I didn't see it. Not even when I pumped and then hand-expressed that 1.25 ounces of milk from BOTH breasts. And expressing by hand gave me tendonitis in the right hand (that is what the pain my wrist was - just figured it out :D) It was so bad that I couldn't even bring my fingers and thumb together to eat food. Believe me, I have a new-found respect for the opposable thumb. And I am sure glad our ancestors developed them! Because I just found out how tough things are when you done't have one :P

S is enjoying her big-sister role more and more. Specially now because M has started responding to S' baby talk with smiles and coos. Yes, that is another little development. She coos. And when she sees a prospective "baby-carrier" she starts flailing her arms and legs in a frenzy as if asking to be picked up!

So, now I am back to work, and S is back to school. J's life is less crazy than before - just a "leetal" :D With the crazy woman that he has for a wife, it couldn't be completely normal, could it?

NOTE: I might add to this post if I remember something that I have left out of the updates. I am sure I forgot something.

Cutting the ties that bind

Raksha bandhan came and went. I missed my brother and I am sure he did too because he called me to chat on that day. He even fought with me (kinda!) that I didn't send him his favorite laddoos that I send him on Rakhi every year. He was in Hyderabad on Rakhi and I thought I'd send the laddoos later when he gets back home. We are very close and love each other deeply (NO sibling rivalry here, whatsoever) and this post is NOT about him. This post is about my other "brothers", whom I have been sending rakhis diligenlty every year.

In addition to sending rakhi for my brother, I also (used to) send rakhis to three cousins and a college friend whom I considered a brother. I have always believed in starting only what I can continue so I limited myself in creating "Rakhi Band Bhais".

Now, my parents always taught me to never expect anything in return for my rakhis. Not even "Rakhi-bandhai" (the gift a brother gives to his sister when she ties a rakhi on his wrist). Specially never from my brother since he is younger than me. As an older sister I believe it is my privilege to give and his to receive. So this rant isn't about not receiving that either.

This rant is basically about lack of manners on my so-called brothers' behalf. I never missed even one Rakshabandhan. I always sent them rakhis and a packet of sweets or chocolates EVERY SINGLE YEAR. I even went a little bit further for one of these cousins (N). For some reasons I don't have the time or inclination to enumerate, my husband's parents didn't want to have anything to do with this cousin or his family. Even under those circumstances, I told my husband I will not let go of my relations with my brother. He had been a pillar of support during my stay with his parents' when I was doing my Master's. Beginning of digression: As I fleetingly mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I tolerated shitty behaviour from his parents for THREE LONG YEARS just so I could complete my Master's. Why I didn't move into a hostel is another story in itself, which I might write about some day. End of digression. So, for three years, I and J would leave the house on some pretext on the day of Rakshabandhan and go to this cousin's house so I could tie rakhi on his wrist. When we came to the US, I no longer needed to lie to maintain this relationship. I still sent him rakhis every year along with a packet of sweets. It has been 8 years. Never once did I receive an email or phone call from him telling me that he received those rakhis and sweets. This year I said "enough is enough" and didn't send him any. His wife must have mentioned this to his mom (my mother's elder sister) who asked Ma if I forgot to send him rakhi. I am waiting for this question to be asked directly so I can tell them the reason.

I stopped sending rakhis to another cousin of mine (lets call him A) who is also in India and who is about 11 years younger to me. Every time I sent him rakhis, his sister (lets call her N) would write me an email telling me that the rakhi and sweets had been received. I even asked her to stop writing these emails and let A inform me. But N never stopped and A never wrote. Then 3 years back, I happened to call them just after Rakshabandhan and while talking to A (who sounded bored) over the phone, I asked him if he received the rakhis to which his reply was "Oh that? Yes I did." When I asked him why he didn't inform me of the receipt, he said "But my mom just told you!". That infuriated me - I don't know I might have over-reacted but right then I decided I was not sending rakhis to any "brothers" who didn't appreciate them. So I stopped sending rakhis to A and to this day he has never bothered to ask me why I stopped.

I still kept sending rakhis to my other cousin about whom I wrote earlier in this post but this year, I decided I didn't want to keep dragging another relationship singlehandedly so I didn't send him any rakhi/sweets this year. I don't think he is going to miss it either. And that hurts me. I never expected anything in return from these brothers of mine except a phone call or an email telling me that they had received my rakhis. They didn't have the time or feelings to do even that much. It has been painful cutting these ties - but I guess only for me.

Only my third cousin (D) cares enough to call me every Rakshabandhan and talk to me. And, as I said earlier - my brother. And the third "cousin" is not even a cousin. He is my dad's best friend's son. I call him my cousin because the way he cares for me sure feels like he is.

As for my friend from college whom I used to consider my brother - same sad story. He NEVER acknowledged the receipt of my rakhi. Even when we were living in the same city. And HE was the one who brought a rakhi for me to tie on his wrist for the first time, I wouldn't even have started the tradition until I was sure we both wanted it. He even disappeared on one rakhi even though he knew I was waiting for him at his home. His wife, who is also a dear friend from college days, would make excuses for him. That is another thing that grates on my nerves. In all these cases, a woman - a wife, a sister, a mother - covered for these grown-up "boys". No one ever thought about making them realize that it was their duty to atleast let me know they had received the rakhis. That irritates me no end. My cousins, A and N, were "precious boys" among a long line of girls (so was my brother for that matter, but he turned out differently because of our parents) and therefore were very spoiled. Matter for another post.

So now I am going to declare it openly - if you want my rakhis, you better be prepared to acknowledge the receipt. That is the least you can do. You should do.

Note: This year, since my mom is here, we sent rakhis on her behalf to my "mama" (her brother) and another cousin of hers. BOTH of them called to tell her that they had received the rakhi and mithai. My mom has been luckier than me where brothers are concerned. Hers care for her. :(

Up the wall. Losing my marbles. Going bonkers.

Disclaimer: This is a rant. A MAJOR rant. Against my parents. I love my parents very much and this rant shouldn’t be taken as a sign that I don’t. I just needed to vent.

Sometimes, people who love you and whom you love back can and do drive you crazy. This is one of those times. My parents are driving me up the wall. Absolutley. And it isn’t even a major issue. It is mainly my self-esteem and peace of mind at stake here. Over trivial matters. I said Trivial matters, and that is probably why they don’t realize my feelings are hurt. I don’t want to say anything to them because I can’t bear to hurt their feelings in return. But keeping mum is hard. Coz I do need an outlet. And that outlet comes in the form of a few tears shed in private or a rant in front of J. Poor chap already has the task of mediating between me and his parents. He shouldn’t have to mediate between me and MY parents as well.

The issue is my health and my home. First my health. I have already mentioned that I have a LOT of weight to lose. I am aware of the risk that I face if I don’t. I don’t need the fact that I am FAT rubbed in my face every single day. I certainly don’t want to hear how I should exercise when I complain of my wrist that hurts very much. I do not want to hear how I should lose weight when I ask someone to move their chair so I can pass. I do not owe anyone an explanation of “why I let my weight climb so high in the first place”. I know they are worried about my weight because that increases my risk of getting diabetes. I am worried too. But worrying never got anyone anywhere. I should know. I used to be a chronic worrier.

It is easier to say I should exercise. I know I should. I try. But when it comes to choosing between pumping milk and exercising, I choose pumping. When I finally get a few moments of rest and quiet after a night of only 4 hours of sleep and a long day of running around, exercising is NOT the first thing on my mind. Believe me. It wouldn’t be on your mind either under similar circumstances. And if it is, you are a better person than I am. What else can I say?

My home isn’t in the best of shapes right now either. Again, pumping beats cleaning any day. And exhaustion. How I have been dealing with lack of lactation is another post in itself but suffice it to say that even though I am enjoying my baby very much, this hasn’t been an easy time for me. And at this time, I need support and understanding, not criticism about how I keep my house. I know it is messy and it grates on my nerves too. But right now my priority is to get as much of my milk in my baby as I can, for one full year. I am in month three and I don’t know how, or if, I will ever continue pumping till M is a year old. She is already down from alternate feedings of breastmilk and formula to just one feed of breastmilk in a day – rest of it is formula. However little it is, I want to keep trying as I know that little bit is also going to help build her immunity.

On top of all this, my mom has been sick with viral. So, I have been cooking (my dad needs his meals on time as he is a diabetic), taking care of baby (dad helps – a lot – but there are certain things he can’t do yet) and pumping. In all this, guess what was relegated to the backseat? Yes, pumping. And I can’t function well when I am worried sick about my milk supply further dwindling because of lack of pumping. All this, and I have a badly hurting wrist. So much so that I almost dropped M today. And my ankle, that I sprained a couple of weeks ago, is still swollen and now the whole foot is tender because I didn’t get a chance to rest it. I may take my injuries lightly, but that doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.

So yes, today I am very sad. Because the two people who should have been the first ones to understand my troubles fail to realize what I am going through. That I need kind words right now, and not subtle hints to “improve performance”. I may come off as lazy, but I have worked very hard for the last three years and took these three months to relax, not to keep working my butt off. Will someone please make them understand this????

Sibling revelry

When I was pregnant, S was very worried about the effect a new baby was going to have on her status in the family. She worried that we will get so busy with the baby that we won't pay any attention to her. She is a kid who internalizes all her worries so I am gald she spoke about them this time. I tried to answer all her fears but I also knew no matter how many times I answer her questions, she will only accept my answers once she sees me practising them when the baby arrives. I told her as much.

Her biggest fear was that the baby will be very mischievous and will blame her (S) for every mischief and as a result S will get punished by us. For that I told her two things. One - parents have a special sensor for when their kids are lying. So, if the baby tries this, he or she won't get away with it because we will immediately sense (s)he was lying. And that we would like to hear both sides of the story (Baby's and S') before deciding who was at fault (I don't believe in telling the older child to suck it up just because the younger one is small. Young or old, everyone faces the consequences of their actions in Kay household) Two - Haven't we taught S enough not to blame others for her mistakes and to take responsibility for her actions? (And she does that, believe me) What makes her think that we won't teach the younger one same things? She seemed to understand the answers.

Second thing she was worried about was the Baby becoming an instant favorite for us. To this I replied "Parents are not allowed to play favorites with their kids. It is a parent's duty to love all their children equally". This seemed a little hard to digest for her because, unfortunately, she has seen some parents play favorites. After hours and days of trying to convince her, I decided she was going to have to wait to see me practise it. I really do believe this. I know many parents don't. A friend categorically told me it is impossible for parents to love all kids equally. I think it might be hard to love all your kids equally for whatever reasons, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't. I have experienced, first hand, the hurt of favoritsm played by parents (IL's for J and his brother - matter for another post that shall remain unwritten) and I promised myself long ago that I won't put my kids throught that. Ever.

And we went over these two concerns of hers over and over and over. All through the remaining months of my pregnancy (we told her when I completed first trimester). Then I thought I saw a little bit of sibling rivalry building up. S would comment "Don't get this for the baby" if we bought her something small like a book. One day she said since the baby will be an American citizen (which S is not), we shouldn't apply for Indian citizenship for her because she (S) wanted that to be her special "thing". This completely infuriated me even though I knew it was just an 8 year old expressing her concerns in the only way she knew how. So I told S "You have to make up your mind right now and tell me if you even want this baby, otherwise I am going to give her up for adoption. I don't want her to come into a family where she isn't wanted. If she is going to have to face this every day of her life, she is better off growing up where she is wanted and loved". Harsh, I know. But surprisingly that did the trick. That made S realize that this type of behavior will not be tolerated and hopefully handling sibling rivalry will now be a little bit easier since she knows I will not take this nonsense at all. (Keeping my fingers crossed).

Then Baby M arrived. And all our fears, AND S' dissipated. We knew that she loved the baby very much and she saw that her position in the family was still the same - that of a much loved child. Baby M was loved too, but our love for her didn't affect our love for S in any way (of course!). So, my guess about things going back to normal after the baby's arrival was correct. S loves her to bits and is a BIG helper.

For now, it seems like we are just going to sail through all the sibling rivalry issues. But I know once M starts talking and crawling, she will start getting into S' stuff and then new issues might arise. I have already spoke a little about it with her telling her that she has to keep her stuff out of M's reach because we wouldn't be able to say "no" to her for every single thing she grabs. And that all small toys that M can easily put in her mouth have to be out of her reach otherwise they will be thrown out promptly. I know I am the parent from hell :P

S is so enamoured with M right now that sometimes it is on the verge of funny. Like the time when she "invited" her friend, who had come over for a playdate, to come watch mommy change the baby's diaper. My heart melts at how she proudly shows off her new sister. And how, at every tiny little whimper from M, she comes running to us and asks "Do you need any help?" or "Do you want me to sing to/hold her?" All my fears and concerns over the age difference between my two daughters have dissipated because I see S is going to fawn over M and hopefully M will bask in that attention.

Who woulda thunk??!!

Of handing out this kind of tag? Only MadMomma can! I love that woman. She is bringing out the uninhibited me!

Sue says dawn is the best time. MadMomma says you don't need fancy-shmancy lingerie or romantic dinners - you just need the "neeyat". I am not a prude in any way but I am an intensely private person and would never have dreamt of discussing it on my blog. But MadMomma tagged me to do a post on it so here I am. It is the toughest topic to write on because doesn't she know I went through IVF?? Why the heck does she think that happened? :D


I will NOT discuss the times when we didn't do it at all because I was so badly depressed I had no desire left. And J patiently stood by my side without any expectations or "demands", never once complaining that his needs went unmet for the longest period of time. We did it only when I wanted it. IF I wanted it. Thankfully, we are at the tail end of that phase.

But for me, it is the best in the middle of the night or very early in the morning when the day ahead seems fresh and full of promise. For me, more important than the act itself is what comes before it - the snuggling, the cuddling, the flirtatious glances, and accidental (and the not-so-accidental) brush against each other, the small kisses that are like "full stops" at the end of a sentence... When S was small, we used to joke that we should send her to the neighbors' when we were in the mood and that pretty soon the neighbors will figure out why she was at their place so often :D

Dang!! I was contemplating telling my parents about this blog! Now I'll wait until this post rolls down and out of the page into the archives before that happens. And forget telling my kids about the blog. EVER!

Pro-Choice: In a different sense

When it comes to a mother's working outside of home or staying at home, I am strictly pro-choice. I believe it should be the woman's choice, and hers alone. After all, it is she who will be juggling home and career and family more than anyone else in the family because, unfortunately, even today our social system is male friendly and doesn't put the responsibility for "balancing" things on men. But that is matter for another post. I shouldn't digress.

Another thing - I never say "Working Moms" because I firmly believe ALL moms work (I have mentioned this in another post of mine - I think). I always say "Working Outside of Home Moms". That's just me :)

For me there never was a question. I grew up watching my mom balance work with home perfectly. I learnt from her that it is possible. And she brought me up believing that I MUST have a career. In our family it was a given that both, my brother and I will study, get a job and get married IN THAT ORDER. My parents taught me from the beginning that the most important thing for me to do was to be financially independent. If I ever showed signs of not taking my studies seriously, my mom would threaten me that she'd marry me off :D And it worked! I took my studies and persuit for a career seriously.

For reasons I have discussed in another post, my career stalled when I got married. But that didn't change my views on this matter. I still believed that a woman should work outside of home even after having children if she wanted to.

I have discussed my views on this in another post on the same debate. But that was in response to a post by MadMomma which, in turn, was in response to a comment of mine (and other similar comments). This time, I will just list my reasons for my choice without getting defensive or offensive. And my views in this matter are solely based on my personal experience and observations.

I work outside of home because I want to. And because I am not stay-at-home material. I believe a happy mother makes a happy family. For a long time I was not a happy mother. Because I had to stay at home. Not by choice. I have seen the effect a woman's unhappiness can have on her entire family - firsthand. I was that woman. There is a marked difference in my home's environment since I started working. But that is a choice that works for me and my family. My husband and I make it work. We work really hard at it so that my working outside of home affects S (and now M) in the least possible way. Because he knows how important it is for me.

I work for intellectual fulfillment. Yes. I need it. I want it. Nothing wrong in that. (I remember reading another post where the tone insinuated it is). When I was home with my daughter, I could feel my intellect stagnating. It doesn't happen to everyone. It happened to me because we were new to this country, with no friends. And later the friends that I did make were moms of my daughter's preschool buddies. We connected because our kids liked each other. There was no other reason. No other connection at an intellectual level. I am not saying that these moms weren't capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. They were. Many of them were very accomplished in their own fields. But when we met, our conversations revolved around our kids and their needs and our dreams for them and such. I wanted a break from that.

I wanted to work outside of home because I wanted to utilize my skills for something extra. I wasn't content just teaching my child math, and colors and alphabet. I didn't need the whole day to do that. I still teach her a million things in the time that I do get with her. I desparately wanted to be "needed" for my skills. And now, when I am on my maternity leave, I can tell from personal experience that it is a good feeling. When I get calls from my colleagues asking me to help them fix things that no one else can, I feel validated. I feel satisfied that I am making a difference that reaches far outside my home.

I wanted to work outside of home because I firmly believe that will make my daughters more confident and self-dependent. No - I take that back. I am not working to achieve this, but I am sure as a result of my working outside of home, this will happen. Working moms need every family member to pitch in to keep every thing going smoothly. The more things my daughters tackle in their day-to-day routine, the more independent they get, and confident too.

I work to bring in the extra paycheck. Because, like every other parent, I want to give my daughters a better life. I don't want them to have to take out loans to study. Granted it is easy to get student loans in this country but I am an old-fashioned Indian that way. I'll pay for my kids' education like my parents did for me. When I was in college, it was really a comfort to know that my parents would pay for my studies as long as I wanted to continue. On the other hand, J had to work full-time to put himself through graduate school. He would leave for work at 9:30 in the morning and return at 11 in night after classes. I believe he could have worked much harder at his studies if he didn't need to work full time to pay for it. And we are both sure we don't want to put our children through that kind of struggle.

I work outside of home because I worked very hard to get to this point. I didn't bear shitty behaviour from my uncle and aunt (yes I did) and still continue my studies for three long years to sit at home. I did it because I wanted to get somewhere. I went through that hardship to make a career for myself.

I don't believe that my kids will miss out on life if I work out of home. I don't think they will come to harm either. Of course, if I am going to work, I am going to make sure that I find good care for them. It will be criminal on my part if I don't do that. I will make sure that the care available to them is the best possible and will keep an eye on things to make sure everything remains the way I want it to.

I also work outside of home because I worry about the future. If something were to happen to J, I want to be able to provide for my kids without having to depend on anyone - even family. I have thought a lot about what I will do if worse came to worst. What if I cannot pay the mortgage on the house or save for the girls' future? I have even made plans in my mind(like moving to a low-cost-of-living state, or to a smaller house) and we are also looking into Life Insurance to make sure that the girls will be least affected should something happen to either or both of us. Recently a dear friend had emergency surgery and then later found out he has B-cell Lymphoma (cancer of the Lymphatic system). He has already been at home for a month. His wife had to take two weeks off to take care of him. His mom came here from India as soon as she heard about his surgery. This all involved expenses. If they didn't have any savings, they would have been in a serious jam right now. If his wife didn't work, she would have one more worry of finances on top of everything else that is going on. One has to be capable of and preapred for anything that life throws at them. It is easier to think that one can find a job if the need arises than to find an actual job. If, God forbid, the need arises there are going to be a lot of things clamoring for my attention and at that time looking for a job might be impossible for me even if my survival depended on it. In such a situation, I will have to accept the first job that comes my way instead of holding out for one that suits my qualifications and needs better. Of course, this is "galss half empty" kind of mentality but I always believed in hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

This is not a complete list of my reasons to work outside of home in any way. I have too many things going on right now to sit down and compile an exhaustive list. And the haze of sleep deprivation often obscures any rational thought I get in my mind. This is what came to my mind just as I was typing this post. I have been delaying the posting of it because I wanted to complete the list but now I can't think anymore. So... much... thinking... my... head... hurts...

Mama wraps a mean burrito!!

Month Two...

I know. I know. I know it is long overdue. Will post it soon.

:D